Firia: It's morning. Firia staggers out of the girls' hut...

She continues reading aloud quietly to herself until her walking takes her to the wreckage of the Noonsa. She stops reading and looks up in surprise.

Firia: ...of the Noonsa. She stops reading and looks up in surprise. Oh!

Firia: Hm...purple looks good on him...and he's up marauding about at this hour...we should call him...I know! The Violet Vagabond!

She seats herself in the sand next to him.

Firia: Good morning, Rezo!

Rezo: Good morning.

Firia: Why do you have the binoculars around your neck?

Rezo: At first, I didn't know what they were. I thought that someone had finally gotten the good idea of hooking two beer bottles together and putting a strap around them for easy transport.

Firia: That is a good idea.

Rezo: But I realized my mistake. I was spared the indignity of trying to drink out of some binoculars.

Firia nods silently. Sparing her from making more small talk, the Queen comes down from the huts and joins them.

QoS: Anyone seen my script? Is that it?

Firia: Yes. Here it is back.

QoS thumbs through to page three and begins reading aloud.

QoS: ...reading aloud. Then Firia gets her attention by saying...

Firia: What's that?

QoS: What's what?

Firia: That speck on the horizon. Let me borrow those.

She grabs the binoculars. They're still around Rezo's neck, though.

Rezo: Ack! Gapth!

QoS: What do you see, Firia?

Firia: It's a boat, the "T-S-W-I-T-T-O-L-P-S-N-U". Does that mean anything to you?

QoS flips the binoculars right side up. Rezo now has his face mashed up against Firia's shoulder.

Firia: Oh, that's much better. It's the "UNS Plot Twist."--AAAA!

Firia switches into dragon form, and is about to take to the skies when she remembers she still has the binoculars, and with them, Rezo. QoS tries to set her at ease.

QoS: Don't worry, Firia, I've been expecting this for a while now. Stay calm, at least until they land.

No longer frenzied, Firia sets herself on the beach again. Rezo, finally, is able to breathe again.

QoS: You know who you remind me of sometimes, Rezo?

Rezo: *gasp* Who?

QoS: Marlon Brando.

A few minutes later the skiff has landed beside the wreckage of the Noonsa. Out jump a young man, a hat, a woman and a penguin. The young man is dressed in black denim jeans and a tie-dyed shirt with the Gunnm kanji ironed on to it. The hat has a yellow and blue Cal Berkeley pin on the left side of her crown. The woman is wearing a white lab coat over a yellow floral print bikini. The penguin is wearing a red fedora and a LINUX T-shirt.

Rezo: LINUX? LINUX is my favorite flavor of UNIX!

Pen-pen: Squawk.

QoS: Hey, that's my joke.

Sun: Sorry, it can't be helped.

Firia: Who're you?

Sun: How do you do, I'm Sungazer. I'm the guest director for this episode, and I brought the cast of Neon Genesis Evangelion with me for a mixer. This is my hat, Fiona.

QoS and Rezo: Swell!

Fiona: Hullo.

Sun: This is Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, who'll be assisting me, and this is Pen-Pen. He's a hot springs penguin.

Ritsuko: How do you do.

Pen-Pen: Squark!

Firia: Is that all he does? Squawk and provide comic relief?

Sun: He eats fish, too. And drinks beer sometimes.

QoS: Sort of like Amelia, only less beer.

Sun: [rubs palms together, tries to crack knuckles] OK, let's get this started. First of all, this sand is way too silica rich. [Ritsuko starts taking notes on a pad] If it was derived from a volcanic source, it'd have much more feldspar and pyroxene. Better bulldoze the beach and start over.

QoS, Firia and Rezo: WHAT?

Sun: Don't worry, I'll put it back when we're done.

Ritsuko: He's a stickler for realism. Like Spielberg.

Rezo: Only without the money.

QoS: Or the beard.

Sun: Second, we're gonna have to move the _Fructus funkii_ vines out of the line of sight.

Firia: NOOOO! Not the Funky Fruit vines!

Sun: Sponsor's orders. We can plant them on the other side of the island for one night.

There is much grumbling from the regular cast.

QoS: You going to order anything else from us?

Sun: No, that'll be about it. We'll bring the Tiki Torches...

It's afternoon, just at the point where things have gotten done heating up and baking and are settling about cooling off a little. The regular and introduced cast is all present and accounted for. Even Martina and Zangulus. They must've found a cold shower somewhere on the island. There are banners flapping from the palm trees saying, "NGE-Slayers Mixer/Sponsored by FFARE--Funky Fruit Abuse Resistance and Education."

Lina: How come the Lizard couldn't get National Organization for the Relaxation of Funky Fruit Laws?

Sun: 'Cause I didn't think many people would get a NORFFL joke.

Presently, the Evangelion cast members arrive in a flurry of boat and mecha landings. A stereo starts playing a mix of reggae and dub. Somebody trundles out a keg. Dead animal parts appear on a spit over the fire pit.

Fiona: [through a loudspeaker, from on top of Eva-01] Greetings, everyone. I'd like to welcome you all to our party, an excuse to write a bunch of silly crossover fan fiction and let the characters cut loose. [cheering] We'll skip formal introductions and let you introduce yourselves. Thank you!

Naga, beer in hand, glances around for someone to tell what a wonderful person she is. The nearest people seem to be Misato Katsuragi, E-cup, and Ryouji Kaji, Y-chromosome. Target acquired, Naga insinuates herself in front of them, chest aflutter.

Naga: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Are you enjoying yourselves?

Kaji: [Eyes googling] Oh! Quite.

Misato: [inflates chest, juts boobs] 'Til you arrived. Got a beer?

Naga: Why, yes.

Misato: Go get yourself another one.

Naga summons another beer into her hand out of thin air. Before she can do anything with it, Misato yanks it out of her fingers, opens it with her teeth, and chugs it.

Misato: EeeeeeEEEEHAAAA!

Naga: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Misato crushes the can against her forehead. Kaji smiles. It's going to be THAT kind of party. On another part of the beach, Shinji Ikari is pointing out people to the Queen and Zelgadis.

Shinji: I pilot the big purple one. Asuka, she's talking with the woman in magenta...

QoS: Lina.

Shinji: Thanks. Asuka's Eva is the big red one. Rei [he points to a girl standing by herself watching the party going on around her] pilots the blue one. Touji, he's over there with Kensuke and the sword guy...

QoS: Gourry.

Shinji: Gourry. Touji used to be a pilot, but now he just makes appearances in these fan fics.

Zel: What's Rei's problem?

Shinji: I don't know. She doesn't really form attachments with anyone, and I think she feels ambivalent about even being alive. Touji hates himself because I almost killed his sister piloting the Eva, then he blamed me for it, and now he pilots. Asuka is staggeringly self-centered as a cover for her vulnerability. And I'm only doing this to please my father, the Commander.

He points to a bearded man seated at a folding chair with his fingers steepled. Beside him is an older gent standing respectful and alert. Beside this second man is Rezo, dressed as before.

QoS: So basically, to be a pilot you have to have a major psychological hang-up.

Shinji: Right. Or two or three, even.

Zel: Sounds like I'd fit right in.

QoS: Hey, look over there. Who're those guys?

Shinji: Um, those are the control room operators. Hyuga, Maya, and...uh, the other guy.

The two boys are holding TV cameras while Maya thrusts a microphone in Firia's face. Firia is in human form again, dressed in white.

Firia: Basically, it's good to breathe fire, yes.

Maya: Would you do a smoke ring for us?

Firia: ...OK. Just one.

She blows out two smoke rings in quick succession. One spreads out into an open heart shape. The other rises up through it and forms an arrow.

Maya: Wow! That's pretty good.

Firia: Boys seem to like it a lot.

QoS: [thinking aloud] Hm, Sungazer seems to be spending a lot of time focused on Firia. You suppose he has a thing for her?

Shinji: Maybe he's feeling sympathetic because she hasn't had a lot to do in the past few episodes.

Zel: Maybe so, but then he'd also be spending time with Sylphiel.

Syl is contentedly operating the stereo, accompanied by a very large drink in a big glass with a crazy straw, an umbrella and a lot of parsley coming out of the top.

Zel: What's his reason? What's his rationale?

Sungazer and Xellos, who just happen to be walking by, do the Xellos Thing (tm).

Sun + Xel: It's a secret!

QoS: Whoa, we walked into that one.

Apropos of that very remark, a conga line passes by. In front are Martina and Zangulus. Behind them is Naga, who is waggling her bottom much more than necessary. Behind her, with his hands more on her pelvis than on her waist, is Kaji. His pelvis, in turn, is being similarly grasped by Misato. Xellos, Ritsuko and Sungazer join in and bring up the rear.The conga line passes by where the meat is cooking. Waiting in the wings are Touji, Kensuke and Gourry in one group, and Lina, Amelia, Hikari and Asuka in another. Kensuke is videotaping as Touji interviews Gourry.

Touji: So what did you do to the first bandit?

Gourry: I cut him into pieces with my sword.

Kensuke: Cool! Way cool!

Touji: Then what did you do to the next bandit?

Gourry: I cut him into pieces with my sword!

Kensuke: That is SO COOL!

It's pretty obvious that this is going to go on for a long time, and none of the participants will be losing interest. The girls are watching them go at it.

Asuka: How could anybody be attracted to an idiot like him?

Hikari and Lina: Hey!

Both blush.

Asuka: You! You're Lina Inverse! Bandit-Killer! Shabradingo-slayer! Fireball-tosser! And the man that a cliche has hooked you up with is dumber than a pile of rocks!

Lina: Yeah, I know, but...he's kind, usually, and he's sincere, and he's faithful.

Hikari: And his butt looks great in tights.

Amelia: And if you kiss him goodbye, you kiss the Sword of Light goodbye.

Lina: [cracks knuckles] OK! It's thrashing time! Which one of you twerps is first?

Touji: Then what did you do to the next pile of rocks?

Gourry: I attacked it with my sword, but it out-witted me.

Kensuke: No way! That's cold!

Meanwhile, about as far away as you can get from the stereo and still be considered part of the party, is a folding table. Commander Ikari is seated behind it, wearing his usual uniform. At his side is Subcommander Fuyutsuki. Next to him is Rezo, still in purple.

Rezo: Subcommander.

Fuyu: Yes?

Rezo: I'd like a beer. Could you lead me over to the cooler?

Fuyu: Um, certainly. I--hey! Why are you grabbing my arm?

Rezo: So I can follow you.

Fuyu: With both hands?

Rezo: I don't want to fall over or trip. Do you mind?

Fuyu: No, it's just strikes me as rather...er...unusual.

Rezo: Peculiar?

Ikari: Queer.

Rezo + Fuyu: Hmph!

They turn up their noses and walk off, arm in arm. Ikari nods sagely and adjusts his glasses. Rei Ayanami, standing alone by the bonfire, is watching the party going on all around her. She thinks.

Rei: [VO] They find happiness in being together. I am together. I am alone.

Somewhere in space and time, water drops.

Rei: Old friends. New friends. What are these words? Friends. Enemies. New. Old.

There are a whole bunch of Ayanamis in plug suits, all in a row.

Rei: Does "friend" and "enemy" change, like "old" and "new"? Can I change "old" and "new" as surely as "friend" and "enemy"? Old means one thing, and new another, until we change our reference.

Somewhere, a blue flame flickers.

Rei: Does reference change for "friend" and "enemy"? Can it be that "happiness" is our reference? Who's that standing right in front of me?

Rei jolts back to reality, such as it is.

Rei: Greywers.

Zelgadis is standing right in front of Rei, beside the bonfire. "Stand By Me" is playing in the background.

Zel: I'm bored, too. Wanna dance?

Rei: OK.

They clasp hands and start to cha-cha. Zel is awkward, Rei is simply mechanical. Watching them from her seat on a log a ways away is Amelia.

Amelia: Zelgadis! NOOOO!

While she's distracted, Asuka and Lina start going after the cheese and crackers on Amelia's plate. Trapped between her heart and her tummy, Amelia is forced to stay put.

Later that evening, the party's going strong. People are a bit more mixed than before. Fiona is giving out an interview to both camera crews.

Fiona: Basically, it's good to be on top of someone's head, yes.

Maya: Do you have a social life?

Fiona: Not much of one, no. There isn't a large hat community in Berkeley, or anywhere else I've lived. I don't mind.

Meanwhile, Lina is giving anyone who'll listen a lecture on island geology.

Lina: As the magma rises up from the core-mantle boundary, it forms a tall pillar that extends thousands of kilometers to the crust. When it bursts through the crust, it creates what's known as a "hot spot", a site of volcanic activity that isn't related to a plate boundary.

Amelia, her captive audience, keeps glancing over to Eva-00. That's the one Rei pilots, and it's where she and Zelgadis were walking when she saw them a few minutes ago.

Lina: These hot spots can have incredibly long lives, on the order of millions of years!

Amelia: Uh-huh.

Meanwhile, up on top of her Eva, Rei is showing Zelgadis around. She doesn't have any idea what else she should be doing.

Rei: This is the head.

Zel: Uh huh.

Rei: That's the entry plug where I sit.

Zel: Uh huh.

Rei: That's a "Megadeth" sticker somebody put there.

Zel: Oh. Megadeth. Interesting.

Rei: This is the inside of the entry plug.

Back outside, Shinji and Asuka are standing by the barbecue grill. They have just made an unpleasant discovery.

Asuka: Idiot! What do you mean, you forgot the onions?

Shinji: It just slipped my mind, I guess. I don't like onions on my burgers.

Asuka: I just can't believe it, what have you done? You've gone and spoiled all my fun. He didn't bring the onions when we left our home...

Sylph: I've got two turn tables and a microphone!

QoS + Sun: WHERE IT'S AT!

Sylph: I've got two turn tables and a microphone!

QoS + Sun: WHERE IT'S AT!

Shinji starts bopping to the beat as Asuka glowers at them all. Gourry's trying his best to think.

Gourry: Hm...that Asuka girl. Who does she remind me of...

Xellos: It's a secret!

Ritsuko: No it isn't.

Firia: It's Lina.

Gourry: Oh, yeah. They even look alike.

Xellos' grin is still frozen on his face. He tries to recover.

Xellos: I didn't say it was much of a secret!

Asuka is fuming as she loads up a conspicuously onionless burger. She is just about to bite into it when the ground starts shaking and the trees start waving.

All: AAAAAH!

Lina tries to stand, then a moment later lets out a fiendish scream.

Lina: Oh, no! I'm missing dinner!

QoS: Chill out. What's going on?

The control room operators have set down their cameras and, with Kensuke looking on gooey-eyed, are setting up portable computers and other instruments.

Hyuga: Tough to say. If we're lucky, it'll just be an earthquake. Otherwise...

Pen-Pen looks up excitedly from a Cray he seems to have pulled out of nowhere.

Pen-Pen: Squawk!

All: Uh-oh.

Xel: Oh, no! Look over there!

Everyone looks. A moment later, they begin blushing, coughing and turning away.

Xel: No! Look over _there_!

Everyone redirects their attention to the volcano. Out of the top of the volcano is appearing a huge, rectangular object. It is brown all over. Its edges are smoothly curved. Its top is rounded.

Ikari: It is Romanmiel, Angel of Bread.

A few screams and shouts of terror come from the crowd.

Amelia: Miss Lina! Can't you use the Dragon Slave spell and blast it into smithereens?

Lina: No. An Angel is immune to those kinds of magical attacks.

Ritsuko: You don't know that, do you?

Lina: Er, well...

Everyone else: It's that time of the month again.

Lina: Yeah. Just don't rub it in.

Ikari: There's no time to lose. Shinji, get in your Eva and prepare for battle.

Shinji: Yes, Father. Wait. Where did it go?

There is a conspicuous empty spot where the big purple Eva was a minute ago. As if seeking enlightenment, everyone looks around. Eyes start to fall on Xellos.

Xel: Now, wait a minute...

QoS: Listen!

A silence, all the more strange in the face of the impending battle, falls; and the only sounds that can be heard are a deep distant beat harmonizing a screechy ululation. Amelia is up on top of Unit 02. She had been getting ready to deliver a speech for the benefit of the Angel, but is distracted at the moment.

Asuka: Hey! Get off my Eva! You'll leave footprints!

QoS: Amelia, can you see anything up there?

Amelia: [slowly] You guys are NOT gonna believe this...

A moment later, Naga raywings past, clutching Kaji in her arms. Hot on her heels is Eva-01, with Misato perched on the top, shouting epithets at Naga. Nobody can believe it. Even the Angel stops the Menacing routine, flabbergasted.

Ritsuko: [to Ikari] I told you that that Dummy Plug AI system was a boneheaded idea.

Ikari: [straightens glasses] Moot point. Princess, please get down off of the Evangelion so Langley-chan can get up there and pilot it.

Amelia is frozen with fear, looking down from 60 meters up. She is quaking in her boots and has her fingers pressed to her mouth.

Lina: [impatient] C'mon, Amelia! Why don't you clumsily faceplant off like you always do?

Obediently, Amelia tries to fall off. Every time, she trips over herself and just lands, face down, on the head.

Sylph: [scratches head] Hm. Maybe she can only do it unintentionally.

Ikari: Where is Ayanami, then?

People glance around.

Touji: Maybe she got bored and went back to her Eva.

The control room bunnies open a Heads-Up Display to Eva-00's cockpit. In perfect timing, Zelgadis rolls off of Rei.

Rei: Hi.

Zel: Hi.

Rei: Hi.

Zel: Hi there!

Rei: Goodbye.

The HUD screen disappears. Amelia starts crying. Lina and Asuka try to comfort her while Touji, Kensuke, Shinji and Gourry whistle. The Commander opens a new HUD.

Ikari: Rei, we need you to pilot the Eva. An Angel is attacking.

Rei: I want to smooch.

Zel: Me too. Goodbye.

The HUD disappears again. Amelia starts having hysterics.

Hyuga: Daaaamn!

Other Guy: What a hot couple!

Pen-Pen: SQUAWK! WAAAK!

Ritsuko: Not to spoil the voyeuristic afterglow here, everyone, but we've got an Angel coming straight at us.

This is true. Romanmiel is trundling its way down the mountain at a fast clip, generally wrecking havoc on innocent trees. The cast looks at it with dread.

Firia: Wait! I've got an idea!

ENDING ONE--HAPPY END

Everyone looks at Firia, except Sungazer, who is in the middle of a giggle fit.

Firia: Shut up. You three guys, start flooding LCL into the entry plug.

Maya: Yes ma'am!

She does so. A moment later, an HUD pops up, with a distraught Rei and a startled Zelgadis front and center.

Rei: What's the big idea?

Firia: Zelgadis--don't even pretend, I know you're not in the mood anymore. I want you to Raywing up to the Angel. Rei, you're going to engage it using Gourry's sword.

Rei: But it's so little.

Gourry: Oh, don't worry. I can make it much much bigger.

Kensuke: And it even starts to glow!

Out of nowhere, Naga and Misato appear. Kaji, of course, has been forgotten.

Firia: I'll handle the rest. Are you guys ready?

Zel + Rei: Yes!

Firia: Gourry! Summon the Sword of Light and give it to them!

One summoning and handoff later, Eva-00 is front and center with the Angel. It tries to put up an A T Field forcefield, but to no avail. Rei cuts through it like butter. Behind them, Firia in dragon form flies up.

Firia: Rei! Go for the kill!

Rei slices the Angel into thirty parallel pieces.

Firia: You're toast! LITERALLY!

With that, she breathes fire on the pieces of Angel, and they all fall into the jungle, crushing trees that, frankly, weren't having so good a day anyway.

ENDING 2--SAD ENDING

Before Firia can say what's on her mind, the Angel lashes out at Eva-02, knocking it over right onto Firia.

Sun: Shit! The script's gone out of control!

Gourry and Lina: NO! FIRIA!

Amelia: She's dead! And it's all my fault!

She runs crying off into the jungle. The Angel lashes out at Eva-01, which just happens to be running by again. It sprawls forward and smacks it into Naga, who drops Kaji, who breaks his neck when he hits the ground head-first going at top speed.

Naga: Oh, my God! I've killed Kaji!

Misato: You bastard!

The Angel lashes out at Eva-00, sending it flying far, far out to sea.

QoS: Uh oh. That can't be good.

Shinji: Is there any hope of recovering it?

Ikari: No, I'm afraid not. Over the next eight hours, Ayanami and her friend are going to slowly suffocate and die inside the Eva's entry plug.

Amelia: [from somewhere off in the forest] And I'll just bet they'll spend the whole time smooching! I hate you all!

Lina: Dammit! We're in for it now!

The Angel is hovering right overhead.

Angel: Good evening, ladies and germs. Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom. Tonight we're going to have a few tuneful tunes to set your thoughts skyward, but first, a popular song from yesteryear. "Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars, let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars..."

Hikari: AAAAAA!

Xel: Hell. We're stuck forever on a desert island with a gigantic homicidal lounge singer.

Touji: Why can't you write a better ending than this?

Sun: Never fear! Watch...

ENDING 3--ROMANTIC ENDING

Rezo and Fuyutsuki are lying on top of each other, with the remains of a funky fruit salad by them. Their hands are in very interesting places.

Both: ...hey lill ting lemme laicher candle cuz a momma am a shur hard to hanna yah, yessa am...

Rezo: Duh, nuh nuh..

Fuyu: Haad to hanna yah ha ha ha ha!

Rezo: Duh, duh, duh duh duh duuuuuuh, duh duh duh duuuuuh...

Fuyu: Ha ha ha! Hee hee! Aw, shit! Ha ha!

Rezo: Duhhhh...oh.....ah...oik! Aha hah ha ha!

Everyone is looking askance at them while they try to follow Ritsuko's interview with the Angel.

Angel: Basically, it's good to be an inexplicable manifestation of supreme power on the temporal plane, yes.

Ritsuko: And your stand on contraception in the military?

Angel: Well, obviously, attaching it as a rider to any federal funding bill...

Rezo: YES YES YES YUUUUUH....

The Angel lets out a long sigh. It's gonna be a tough interview.

ENDING 4--PLAGARIZED ENDING

With a crazed zeal in his eyes, Touji sneaks up on Rezo and slices him up like so much meatloaf with the Sword of Light.

Rezo: The horror! The horror!

Touji takes Kensuke by the hand and leads him out from the motley throng to the NERV boat. A few minutes later, Firia flies by and napalms the beach.

Jim Morrison: This is the end, my only friend, the end...

ENDING 5--BUBBLE BOBBLE ENDING

Bub, the Chartreuse Dinosaur, blows a bubble in the direction of his buddy, Bob the Teal Dinosaur. Bob pops the bubble, flinching as he does so. A bolt of lightning flies out and zaps Grumble Grommit, who becomes trapped in a bubble.

Bob: Pop him, Bub!

Bub: Gotcha!

With a bop of his scaly head Bub pops Grumble's bubble, bursting him into oblivion and netting them 60,000 points. With that, the curse is broken and their girlfriends are freed.

Bub and Bob: Bab! Bib!

Bab and Bib: Bub! Bob!

They hug.

Bub: Doggonnit, why didn't you guys bring traveler's cheques instead of cash?

Bob: None of this would've happened if you had just stopped by the bank before we left.

Bab: We're so sorry, boys!

Bib: You're not angry with us, are you?

Bub and Bob: ...nah!

Bab and Bib: Yay!

Rise up on the Slayers and NGE casts, super-deformed, singing the Bubble Bobble theme song under the banner:

THE END

THIS HAS BEEN A SUNGAZER PRESENTATION OF A HASSINGER/SNYDER/HAT PRODUCTION

All: ...dum dum dum dum, dum dum, dum dum...dum dum, dum, dum dum dum dum! Dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dum dah-dah-dah dah! Dum.

Pause for five seconds, then switch to Fiona, Zangulus' hat, and Misato's beret on a couch in someone's basement.

Fiona: You see? That's the kind of ending we should have. A tear in your eye, a smile on your face, something the whole family can appreciate.

Hat: I'm not impressed.

Beret: You're fired.

Fiona: Gordon Bennet! Well, if you can't appreciate art when it bites you on the bloody arse, I've nothing more to say to you.

FIN