The Newbie
by Metamia

The Queen of Swords is sitting behind a massive desk cluttered with paper. From the look on her face, it has not been a good day. Her massive writer’s block for Gourrigan’s Island has yet to disappear. So she’s been reduced to this….

QOS: NEXT!!

A cute oriental girl walks through the door. QOS looks at her pasted on too-happy smile with skepticism.

QOS: Name please.
Girl: Hi! Queenie! My name is Metamia!
QOS: All right, so why are you-

Metamia jumps over the desk and frantically shakes QOS’s hand.

Metamia: Oh! Queenie! It’s such an honor to meet you! I love your fanfics! I think you’re the greatest!!

QOS’s teeth rattles in her skull. She desperately pries away Metamia’s hand.

QOS: OKAY! OKAY! ENOUGH ALREADY!! CAN YOU CALM DOWN SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE INTERVIEW!?!?

Metamia meekly sits down on her chair. QOS breathes a sigh of relief.

QOS: Okay…as you know, I’ve been having difficulty writing some of my fanfics. So I have no choice but to ask other writers for help. Since you’ve so graciously volunteered for the job…tell me why I should give it to you.
Metamia: I know Xellos’ secret. ^_^
QOS: WHAT!?

Metamia whispers the secret into Queen’s ears. Slowly, a gigantic grin spread across her face.

QOS: Snicker. That’s his secret? How pathetic!! HA! HA! HA!

QOS slaps Metamia on the back.

QOS: You got the job, Metamia! I’m sure you can handle it. Now here are some necessities…

QOS goes into a back room and brings a gigantic box.

Metamia: What’s all that?
QOS: All the things you need to survive on Gourrigan’s Island…mace (in case there are any hentai around), spare underwear (AKA G-string), Xellos repellent (a must), funky fruit (in case of boredom), a manual to identifying lost mechas (darn those Nerv/Escaflowne people), a big mallet (just in case Gourry gets TOO stupid), ear plugs (so you won’t die from Naga’s laugh), yadda, yadda, etc.

Metamia sweatdrops.

Metamia: Wow…there are so many dangerous things on Gourrigan’s Island…I wonder if I can handle this job…
QOS: Are you kidding? It’s a piece of cake! Just remember my motto!

QOS takes a dramatic pose and points to the sky.

QOS: NO MATTER WHAT THE OBSTACLES, YOU CAN ALWAYS PERSEVERE! AND REMEMBER! IF IT GETS THAT DESPERATELY BORING, YOU CAN ALWAYS SCREW ZELGADIS!!!

Metamia stares in shock.

QOS: Umm…omit the last part. Why did I just make that ridiculous speech…Amelia’s rubbing off on me…

Metamia gets up from her chair.

Metamia: You’re right, Queenie! I can do this! I can write a good fanfic! I’ll start right away!

Metamia runs out of the office in Warp 9.

QOS: And remember! Take no prisoners!!

Then QOS starts smiling evilly…it seems Xellos has been rubbing off on her as well…in more ways than one…

QOS: Hmm…I wonder if it’s wise for me to let loose a hormonal female otaku on to the island…oh, well…I’m sure nothing THAT terrible will happen.

The QOS didn’t realize she just made a serious mistake. By thinking nothing that terrible will happen, she’s automatically jinxed the whole Slayers cast into disaster…

Let the madness ensue…

*************************

Metamia walks through the foliage until she reaches the pathetic excuse for a home the Slayers gang are occupying. She watches quietly as Rezo and Xellos speak.

Rezo: It’s been pretty normal so far, hasn’t it? Now that the QOS has that gigantic writer’s block, our lives have been much more peaceful.
Xellos: Yes! And it was all due to me. I slipped in a "Writer’s Block" spell while we were doing it on the-
Rezo: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!
Xellos: Oh come on…It’s really quite interesting. You’ll never look at carbonated water and a plush Ryo-ohki the same again.
Rezo: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!

Metamia continues to watch as Rezo runs off and Xellos follows to tell him all the illicit details.

Metamia: Hmm…so that’s why Queenie has been unable to write anything…Xellos slipped her a spell while they were…ugh…I don’t think I want to know…

Metamia continues to watch as the Slayers women walks into her view. (If you can call Lina, Amelia, and Firia "women")

Amelia: I’m getting really nervous. It’s been too quiet around here.
Firia: Yes. Like the calm before a storm…
Martina: And who knows what dreadful things will happen to us…

They looked at each other with horror and panic.

Lina: What’s the worst thing that could happen to us?
Firia: Being married to Xellos.
Amelia: Zelgadis hating me.
Martina: Lina getting a better figure than me.
Shilfiel: Lina getting Gourry.
Naga: HO! HO! HO! Nothing possibly bad could happen to me! I am Naga! The White Serpent!!
Lina: Don’t you mean Gold Fish Feces?
Naga: Sweatdrops. Of course not!!
Lina: Well, I just hope the Queen doesn’t get back her obnoxiousness any time soon.

They walk off.

Metamia: They don’t suspect a thing! They have no idea that Xellos put that spell on her and I’ve been assigned to write in her place! Well…it’ll just make things a little more interesting…

Metamia watches the crew for a bit longer. All they did was act like lazy Anime extras and get drunk.

Metamia: I have to remedy this. Time to write!!

Metamia pulls out a keyboard out of nowhere and starts typing.

Metamia: Now what would a hormonal female otaku do to a cast of unsuspecting Anime characters…MATCHMAKING OF COURSE!!! Now who should I torture, I mean, please first?

The Slayers cast continues to procrastinate in their hut. Suddenly, their peaceful atmosphere is interrupted by the arrival of a guest.

Valgarv: Hey!!!
Slayers Cast: Valgarv???
Firia: What are you doing here?
Valgarv: I’m here for one reason and one reason only…

Valgarv stares at Xellos intently. Xellos gulps.

Xellos: Pointing at himself. ME??

Valgarv smirks evilly and slowly approaches Xellos.

Xellos: Ahem, Val-chan. Surely you’re not mad at me because I kicked your ass before? You realize I had my orders from Zellas. Come on, no hard feelings.
Valgarv: That feeble excuse won’t work, you sick, twisted, Mazoku bastard. I’ve been waiting a long time to do this.

Then Valgarv grabs Xellos and kisses him full on the mouth.

Slayers Cast: HUH?
Xellos: Dazed and Confused. That was kinda nice…
Valgarv: Well, what the hell are we waiting for? Let’s go boogie!
Lina: WAIT!!

The cast swing their buggy eyes from Xellos and Valgarv to the sorceress genius.

Lina: I want to do a threesome!

The three run off to boogie.

Zelgadis: Eyes twitching. What the hell is going on here?
Naga: Oh Zelgadis…

Zelgadis turns and come face to face with Naga’s colossal breasts.

Naga: Running a finger down Zel’s face. Did I ever tell you how I find stone SO sexy?
Zelgadis: ^(&#$%&^%&%#*(&$%^*^

Naga grabs Zelgadis (AKA Sex Slave Boy) and goes to rob him of his virginity.

Amelia: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Shilfiel: Don’t despair, sweet Amelia. You have me!
Amelia: Shi-Shi-Shilfiel?
Shilfiel: Holding Amelia’s hand. Do you know how torturing it was? Traveling with you for all those weeks and never telling you how I felt?

Shilfiel jumps on Amelia and proceeds to show her how she felt.

Martina: I don’t know what kind of magic this is but it won’t affect our love! Right, sweetheart?

She turns to her hubby, Zangalus. But he is too busy eyeing Gourry.

Zangalus: You know, Gourry…I’ve always loved your sword. It’s so SHINY and BIG and OBEDIENT!! You just scream "Hikari O" and it comes out like an erect-
Martina: AAAHHHH!!!!
Gourry: Why thank you, Zangalus! I like your sword too. Every time I hear your sword howl, it makes me want to get wild like a wolf and slam into your-
Martina: AAAHHHH!!!!
Firia: Calm down, Martina. We must stay calm and not succumb to this.
Martina: Why is this happening? Did the Queen get back her obnoxiousness?
Firia: No, this isn’t her style. It’s the work of somebody more insidious…someone like-

They turn to see who comes through the door.

Firia: Shabrinigdo?
Shabrinigdo: Flashing a V sign. Shabby #5 at your service.

Shabrinigdo grabs Firia into a passionate embrace.

Shabrinigdo: Come my Firia. We shall leave this island and go to my penthouse suite to make sweet love.
Firia: But-but-you’re a Mazoku Dark Lord and I’m a Golden Dragon Shrine Maiden!! We can’t make out like rabbits!!
Shabrinigdo: Love transcends all boundaries, my lovely Dragon. I’m tired of endlessly destroying worlds and enslaving mankind. I need some Tender-Loving-Care!!

With that, Shabby #5 (AKA Love Sick Puppy) and Firia disappears.

Martina: What about me? I don’t get to screw anybody?
Phibrizo: Of course you do.
Martina: HELLMASTER PHIBRIZO!!!
Phibrizo: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
Martina: But I’m not into little kids…
Phibrizo: Don’t worry, this is just a disguise. Snaps finger and changes into a hunky bishounen. This is what I really look like.
Martina: Checking out Hellmaster. Whoa, what a babe!

Phibrizo offers his arm.

Phibrizo: Shall we?
Martina: Oh yeah!

So the cast of Slayers happily humps their brains out thanks to Metamia. She watches the ensuing make outs with satisfaction.

Metamia: This is how it should be. ^_^

Suddenly, the QOS makes an appearance.

QOS: What the hell is going on here?
Metamia: Ano…Queenie? What are you doing here?
QOS: I wanted to see how you’re doing.

QOS scans the island. She sees Xellos, Valgarv and Lina going at it with handcuffs and whips. She spots Amelia and Shilfiel doing things that they are WAY too young to do. She sweatdrops as Zelgadis and Naga play horsey. Firia is nowhere to be seen and Martina is learning a few new moves from the Hellmaster. Her eyes bug out as Gourry and Zangalus test out their…um…swords…um…yeah…

QOS: I see you’ve been productive. Glare.
Metamia: Give me a break, Queenie! I couldn’t help myself!
QOS: Sigh. I guess I brought this on to myself. Hey, wait a minute…where’s Rezo?
Metamia: Points. He’s over there.
QOS: What’s he doing? Is that…Noonsa?
Metamia: Yup. I guess he never told you about his fish fetish.
QOS: I don’t know what to say…
Metamia: Then don’t say anything. ^_~***
QOS: Fuming. YOU’VE REDUCED MY PEACEFUL ISLAND INTO A SHAGGING PIT FOR SEX-CRAZED NYMPHOMANIACS, INTRODUCED NEW AND DANGEROUS CHARACTERS, AND MADE A MOCKERY OF MY FIC SERIES!!!!!
Metamia: Squeak.
QOS: Good job.

Metamia facefaults.

Metamia: So you’re not mad?
QOS: Nope.
Metamia: ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!

So the cast of Slayers merrily enjoys their day while the QOS and Metamia sit back to watch the show.

QOS: I didn’t know you can do that with bananas.