DDD Disorder
by Fionavar
al Dara
The three original companions have decided to take a walk, to relive old times as such. And to find that box, of course, that got lost in all the fighting. Little do they know that they've been followed...
Zelgadis: What are we doing back here again?
Lina and Gourrigan look at each other and shrug.
Lina: Don't you just want to go back to the good old days? Before Amelia?
Zelgadis:(muttering) Every second of my life.
Lina: My point exactly.
Gourrigan: I still don't understand how this is going to do that.
Lina: I have a hunch. Remember that box?
Zelgadis: You mean that one you tripped over in the forest? Before you and Fionavar got in that fight and nearly blew the island up?
Gourrigan: Snicker. How could we forget?
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight...
Zelgadis: Whoa! We were kidding! You were saying, about the box?
Lina: Oh yeah. The box. I hid it before all hell broke loose last time.
Gourrigan: I didn't even see you do that.
Lina: It was when that Fionavar chick was yelling at Zel before she jumped in the ocean.
The "Fionavar Chick" comes out from behind the camera.
Fionavar: Who you calling a chick?
Gourrigan and Zel look at each other and groan.
Gourrigan: Not again.
Zel: What are you doing back her, Fionavar? I would have thought you had enough of an ass kicking last time.
Gourrigan: Yeah. Ass kicking.
Fionavar: Shut up, blondie, or you'll be the next one getting an ass kicking.
Lina: Don't threaten him!
Fionavar: Sorry.Lina?
Lina: What?
Fionavar: I want to appologize.
Lina: 'Kay. No hard feelings, Fionavar?
Fionavar: Nah. I had way to much fun!
Lina: (in Zel's ear) I had no idea swimming to Japan was so entertaining...
Zel: What was that Lina?
Lina: Uh...nevermind. I guess it was kind of fun...all the fighting I mean. Hey, wanna help us find that box?
Fionavar: What the hell? Helping the Queen with this episode was kind of a drag anyway. (She yells over her shoulder) No offense, or anything, Queen, but I'd rather be an actor.
QOS: No problem, Fionavar. But you forfeit your script writing power.
Fionavar shrugs.
Fionavar: Big deal. Let's go find that box.
Lina, Gourrigan, Zel, and Fionavar go looking for the box.
Lina: I hid it behind that rock...
Zel and Gourrigan look behind the rock. Gourrigan holds up a big box.
Lina: That's the one! The answer to all your problems with Amelia is in that box.
Zel rips the box open like a child on christmas morning. Gourrigan looks in.
Gourrigan: Uh, what is it?
Lina looks in and grins devilishly. She pulls out a small grey box with lots of buttons on it.
Lina: It's a dimentional distortion device.
Zel's eyes go wide.
Zelgadiss: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Lina: What!?
Zel tries to back out of the cave.
Zel: That thing is the devil!
Gourrigan: No, that Shabbydingo guy is.
Zel: No! Keep. That. Thing. Away. From. Me! Far far away!
Gourrigan: It's just a gizmo, Zel!
Zelgadis shudders.
Zel: No! That...that thing! Keep it away from Lina! Augh!
Zelgadiss takes off and runs into the jungle. Fionavar and Lina stare after him.
Fionavar: What's wrong with Zel?
The Sorceress shrugs.
Lina Don't know.
Lina takes the dimentional distortion device out of the box.
Lina: Let's see what this baby can do.
Lina fiddles with the buttons. Suddenly, everything seems to shrink then stretch out to infinity. There is a loud popping sound, and then everything seems to go back to normal. Well, sort of.
Fionavar: (looking down at herself) I'm dressed like Naga. Eew.
Lina: At least you look human!
Lina is wearing an animal costume.
Gourrigan: What am I?
Gourrigan is dressed in tight leather pants, a blousy blue silk shirt, and has a tie around his forehead.
Fionavar: I think you're supposed to be the Lord of the Dance.
Gourrigan: If you say so, Lina.
Gourrigan starts dancing. Fionavar and Lina join in and the three form a chorus line and start doing the can-can.
Lina: Can-can-can you do the can-can? Can you do the can-can? Can you do the can-can-can-can-can-can?
Fionavar: Yes I can-can do the can-can. I can do the can-can. I can do the can-can-can-can-can.
Lina tears herself from the dancing and fiddles with the device some more. Xellos appears from the bushes just as Lina presses the buttons, and he gets got in the weird temporal distortion.
Weird Law & Order theme music: Doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo.
Lina, in suit and tie, starts laughing. Xelloss is wearing black judicial robes and one of those curled wigs. Fionavar is on the stand, dressed like Naga. Gourrigan is the prosecutor...except he's dressed like a girl.
Lina: Gourrigan's a crossdressing lawyer! Hehe.
Fionavar: I swear to God I didn't do it intentionaly your honor!He seduced me!
Judge (which is Xellos): In the name of Holy Justice! You're an out and out lawyer, I mean liar!
Gourrigan smooths his skirt over his knees.
Gourrigan: Objection, your honor!
Judge Xellos: Overruled.
Lina pushes some more buttons. This time, the temporal distortion sucks the Queen of Swords into the scene.
Lina: Yikes!
Lina and Fionavar grab Gourrigan and jumps out of the shifting reality. When everything settles, Lina, Fionavar, and Gourrigan can see Xelloss and the Queen as if on a television set.
Gourrigan: Cool.
The Oval Orifice, uh er, office that is. 3:07 PM
The President pushes a button on his intercom.
Xellos: Send in that sexy new aldulteress, er uh, Intern from downstairs.
Secretary: Right away, Mr. President.
Door opens. Enter Monica, er, Queen of Swords dressed in navy blue dress and ugly beret.
QOS: Yes, Mr. President?
The President eyes her with bad intent.
Xellos: I've been dying to eat you. Er uh, meet you. Yes. Meet you.
The Queen pulls up her dress, revealing a sexy black garter belt.
QOS: Do you want me now, or later?
Lina shudders and turns the device off.
Lina: That one was just gross. What was so distorted about that?
Fionavar: The fact that Xelloss was the President.
Lina nods.
Lina: That would make sense.
Zel creeps back from the jungle.
Zel:Are you done with it?
Lina hands the device to Zelgadiss.
Lina: Knock yourself out. I'm done with it. You, Fionavar?
Fionavar: I saw more than I wanted to.
She shudders.
Lina: Yeah. That beret so clashed with that dress.
Fionavar: Yeah. Icky.
Zel: You guys got off easy. You didn't get tossed in with (shudder) Amelia.
Lina: Well, let's go back, you guys.
Fionavar: Can I come too? I know where we can get some funky fruit. We'll force feed it to Xelloss and Filia, and see what happens.
Lina gets an evil look in her eyes.
Lina: Don't forget Rezo!
Fionavar: Ooh! Threesome!
Lina and Fionavar laugh maniacally and head in the direction of the Castaway's village. Gourrigan, looking confused (but what else it new), follows them.
Zelgadis: Good ridance!
Zel throws the dimensional distortation device into the bushes. But the buttons got pushed, and Zel finds himself holding a very naked Princess Amelia against his stoney blue self. And not minding too much either.
Zel: This is moderately unpleasant...
In walks Prince Philionel.
Prince Phil: Amelia Wil Tesla Sairune!! What are you doing!?
Amelia: Don't worry, daddy. We're getting married!
Prince Phil: Hurray! My daughter, getting married!
Zel: Please shoot me now.
Prince Phil: Well, get the party planners! We've got a wedding to plan!
Zel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fionavar appears from nowhere. She shuts off the DDD, and comforts a shaking Zelgadis.
Fio: Ssssh now. It's all right. It was only a distorted dimension. It's not real. Doesn't that make you feel better?
Zel: I hate you.