Chick Fight by Fionavar al Dara
It's just another day on the
island. Another boring day. Another extremely boring day. The castaway's decide to take a
walk through the jungle, on a quest of sorts.
Lina: I hope we find some yummy food!
Gourrigan: Me too!
Amelia: I'm looking for a new and daring way to fight for justice!
Zelgadis: A cure for my chimera-ness.
Xellos: A new source of chaos and confusion!
Rezo: Chaos and confusion is good.
Naga: Hot springs and Bishounen!
Sylphiel: Cute and adorable animals to cuddle!
Filia: Well, I just hope we
find something to stave off the terrible boredom.
Suddenly, Lina trips over something.
Lina: What the?
Amelia: Ooh! A box!
It is a box. A box wrapped in shiny pink paper. In fact, it looks a lot like the box
the ACME plot device came in...
Lina: Oh joy. I hope this isn't another plot device.
Amelia picks up the box and shakes it.
Amelia: It doesn't sound like a plot device. In fact, it doesn't sound like much of anything.
Rezo: Let me see it.
Gourrigan: Rezzo, you're blind, remember?
Rezo: Let me listen to it for @#$%'s sake!
Amelia: Okay. But you gotta
admit, you walked right into that one.
Amelia hands the box to Rezzo.
Amelia: I hope you don't get blown up.
Rezo smiles sarcastically at Amelia. He gives the box a shake, and passes it to Xellos.
Xellos: What are you giving it to me for? I don't want to open it!
Xellos hands the box to Firia.
Xellos: You open it.
Filia: If Mazoku garbage like you won't open it, I'm not going to open it either!
Xellos looks slightly hurt about being called Mazoku garbage. Firia tosses the box to
Lina. Zelgadis takes it out of the air before it can get to her.
Lina: Hey! It was my turn to refuse to open the box!
Zelgadis looks at Lina and raises an eyebrow.
Zelgadis: There isn't any
point to this passing of the box. I'll open it now and save us a lot of time.
Rezo: Good for you, child.
Lina: I don't think you should call Zel 'child'. You are familiar with the Ra Tilt,
aren't you, Rezzo?
Rezo: Of course I am! What do you take me for? I'm a Wiseman, not a blind cave
rat...hey!
Gourrigan: You forgot again. You are blind!
Rezo: Would you knock it off with the blind jokes!
Lina: Not our fault! We've just reading the script.
Lina pulls out her copy and points to line 36.
Lina: See? Rezzo says "Of course I am! What do you take me for? I'm a
Wiseman, not a blind cave rat..." and Gourrigan says "You forgot again. You are
blind".
Rezo shakes his head.
Rezo: The Queen must be mad at me. She doesn't usually fall back on jokes about
my being blind.
Xellos: Or that horrible "Mazuko Garbage" phrase, either.
A pretty girl with auburn hair and sparkling green eyes steps out from behind a hut.
She has slightly pointed ears, a
pale complexion and high cheekbones (she's an elf, like Deedlit). Her clothing is only
slightly less revealing than Naga's. Xellos and Gourrigan stare at her. Rezo would be
staring too, but he's blind, remember?
Pretty Girl: That's 'cause the Queen didn't write the script for this episode.
I did.
The pretty girl notices Xellos and Gourrigan staring at her and shudders.
Pretty Girl: Would you please stop staring at me?
Rezo: Who's being stared at? Why?
Xellos: The pretty girl, and because she's gorgeous, you idiot!
Rezo: Gorgeous!? Quick, somebody describe her for me!
Pretty Girl: If you want my description, read your script.
Rezo: For the last time, I'm blind!
The pretty girl shrugs.
Pretty Girl: Not my fault. Now stop staring at me!
Zelgadis smiles at the pretty girl and goes over to her. Xellos and Gourrigan continue
to stare.
Zelgadis: Fio!
Pretty Girl: Zel!
Zel and the pretty girl hug. Xellos and Gourrigan stare at her some more. Amelia waves
a hand in front of Xellos' face. Xellos does not react.
Zelgadis: It's been a long time since I've seen you.
Pretty Girl: Well, I can't say the same for you. I watch you every week. Queen was
doing such a wonderful thing here that I couldn't help but join in.
Zelgadis: (to the rest of the guys) This is Fionavar. Fio, these are the guys.
Zel points out each of his friends in turn, including Xelloss and Gourrigan, who are
(you guessed it!) still staring.
Zelgadis: This is Rezo, Xellos, Naga, Amelia, Lina, Gourrigan, Sylphiel, &
Filia. And Zangulus and Martina, who are...
Fionavar cuts Zel off.
Fionavar: I don't want to know.
Zelgadis: Exactly.
Rezo grabs Xellos by the sleeve, breaking his staring trance.
Xellos: Wha-what!?
Rezo: It's impolite to stare. Now will you come on already?
The two of them walk up to Fionavar and glare at her.
Rezo: How come you write such horrible jokes? Being blind is nothing to laugh
at!
Xellos stares some more as he gets closer to Fionavar.
Fionavar: Why are you staring at me? Naga dresses like this all the time.
Rezo: (in Fio's ear) Yeah, but you're a lot prettier.
Naga: Hey! I think I heard that! Ah ha ha ha!
Xellos: Wow. You're cute...
Rezo whacks Xellos over the head with his staff.
Rezo: You and your damn libido! She called you Mazoku garbage, remember?
Xellos: Oh yeah! I don't appreciate being called Mazoku garbage. Only the Queen can
call me that! (mutters) And Filia...
Filia: Hmm?
Xellos: 'Cause you might eat me and I couldn't do anything about it...Not unless I
can find a way to become poisonous to dragons...
Filia grins evily at Xellos
Filia: If I ate Mazoku garbage like you, I'd get indigestion.
Xellos: Augh! There's that horrible phrase again! Fionavar!
Fio shrugs. The movement distracts Gourrigan and he stops staring.
Gourrigan: You're cute...
Fionavar: (to Gourrigan) Deal with it. (To the others) I cleared the scripts with
the Queen. She was okay with it.
Lina: I think you're lying. The Queen wouldn't be okay with calling Xelloss 'Mazoku
trash'. I mean, they have a thing...
Xellos looks at Lina.
Xellos: How many times do I have to tell you guys? We're just friends who
occasionally satisfy each other's...
Filia interupts Xellos.
Filia: We know! And we still think it's sick. Sick sick sick!
Xellos shrugs.
Xellos: When was the last time you got any?
Rezo: Good one!
Rezo and Xellos high five the way guys always do when someone says some smart ass
coment. Filia's eyes widen. She looks very close to morphing into dragon form. Sylphiel
grabs Firia's arm.
Sylphiel: (in Filia's ear) Don't. That Mazoku garbage isn't worth it.
Lina hears Sylphiel's whisper and starts to laugh uncontrolably.
Sylphiel: What are you laughing at?
Lina: You called Xelloss 'Mazoku garbage'! I've never heard you say anything mean
before.
Sylphiel: Oh yeah? You should hear what I call you behind your back!
Sylphiel smiles and Lina's laughs, certain she's only kidding. Gourrigan scratches his
head.
Gourrigan: What was that name again, Sylphiel? Flat chested little witch? Isn't
that what you call her?
Sylphiel cringes. Lina gets mad and loses her temper.
Lina: Spirits of the air, bestow your power in my unworthy hand! Fire Ball!
Lina's fireball makes crispy critters out of Sylphiel, and Gourrigan, who was standing
next
to her.
Rezo: Lina Inverse, that was a very nasty thing to do.
Lina: Yeah, that's great coming from you, Mister Woo-Hoo I'm so great I'm gonna
ressurect the dark lord Shabranigdo just because I can and I'm so selfish I'm gonna
destroy the world just so I can see blah blah blah yaddi yaddi yadda.
Rezo: You...you...you...
Unable to think of a snappy comeback, Rezzo stalks off to sulk.
Lina: That was fun. Who can I terrorize now?
Sylphiel, looking very much like
a crispy critter, steps up to Lina.
Sylphiel: I'm sorry, Miss Lina, but I have to do this. Flare Arrow!
Syhphiel's spell backfires (like it would actually work) and blasts Zelgadis instead.
Zel is unharmed,but Amelia freaks.
Amelia: You have harmed my one true love! I must avenge this injustice!
Xellos: Shut up, Amelia, or Ill blow your ass off of this island!
Amelia's eyes widen but she shuts her mouth.
Xellos: That's better. Now, where were we? Miss Justice over there made me lose
track...
Filia: Sylphiel tried to blow up Lina with her wimpy little flare carrot.
Xellos: Oh yeah.
Fionavar grabs Lina by the arm and pulls her aside.
Fionavar: Are things always like this?
Lina: Things were going good until you showed your ugly face.
Fionavar: Ugly face? I have the power to fire you, Lina Inverse.
Lina: Yeah, right! Only the Queen can do that!
Fionavar: Yeah? Well guess what! You're fired!
Lina: Am I? Guess what!
Fionavar: What, smartass?
Lina: You're fired!
Fionavar: You can't fire me! I'm the director and writer for this episode!
Lina: I can fire you if I want. Fire Ball!
The fireball explodes at Fio's feet, causing the ground to collapse into crater.
Fionavar falls into it and bonks her head on a rock.
Lina: No one fires Lina Inverse. Except maybe the Queen.
Zel looks at Lina with an angry look. He slides down into the crater and helps Fionavar
off the ground.
Zelgadis: (to Lina) I can't believe you just did that!
Fionavar is looking a little shaky.
Fionavar: (in Zel's ear) I think she's got PMS. At the very least, she's
probably jealous of my assets.
Xellos: And very nice assets they are.
Fionavar: Quiet you!
Gourrigan is looking confused.
Gourigan: What assets? You mean the pretty girl's chest?
Gourrigan looks from Fionavar to Lina, then back to Lina.
Gourigan: Oh yeah. She's jealous.
Lina: I heard that!
Lina mutters another incantation.
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight. Crimson beyond blood that flows. Burried in the
flow of time. May the fools who stand before me be destroyed by the power I posses!
Filia: Uh oh. Here it comes!
Naga: Ah ha ha! Lina's got quite a temper.
Gourrigan: Oh no! Not the...
Lina: Dragon Slave!
The spell leaves an even bigger crater where Zel and Fionavar were standing. Amelia
looks ready to launch another of her justice speeches, but a look from Xellos shuts her up
again. The dust clears away and everyone can see Zel kneeling by Fionavar. She is very
still. Zelgadis looks up at Lina.
Zelgadis: You killed her! I cannot believe you killed her.
Lina's eyes go wide.
Sylphiel: The Queen is going to sue you for everything you've got, Miss Lina.
You killed a guest director!
Naga: Ah ha ha! I always knew your temper would get the better of you! With your
reputation ruined, you'll have to be my sidekick! Ah ha ha!
Lina: You better shut up, Naga, or you're the next person I'm going to kill!
Naga: Ah ha ha! I'm truly frightened. Imagine that, Naga the White Serpent, afraid
of a flat chested little witch.
Lina: Naga, you're dead! Dragon Slave!
Naga ends up in a crater.
Xellos: Alright!
Firia, Amelia, and Sylphiel start to cheer.
F, A, & S: Naga's blown to bits! Naga's blown to bits! Naga's blown to
bits!
Zel doesn't even crack a smile at Naga's apparent destruction. He is much too worried
about his pretty friend. Much to everyone's suprise, especially Zel's, Fionavar gets up.
Fionavar: Lina Inverse, this time you've gone too far! I can understand your
malice towards me, but Zelgadis didn't do anything! That's horrible! Just for that, I'm
going to make this episode yaoi!
Lina: Yeah? Hey! Yaoi could be interesting! Ya' wanna know why Zel almost didn't
get this part?
Fionavar: Do I care?
Lina: You should!
Fionavar: Fine! Why didn't he almost not get the part?
Lina: 'Cause the Queen was worried the stupid chimera would be having his way with
me, Amelia,
Filia and Xellos!
Fionavar's eyes go wide.
Fionavar: (yelling at Zel) You never told me you were gay! Sick! I can't believe
I almost slept with you! I can't belive I actually kissed you! Oh my
God!!
Zelgadis: Oh, hell.
Fionavar runs towards the ocean, jumps in and starts swimming in the direction of
Japan.
Xellos: You had a chance to sleep with her and you didn't!? What the hell is
wrong with you!?
Zel shrugs, then stares at Lina, who appears to be hiding something behind a rock.
Zelgadis:You are one sick little sorceress...
Lina: Pardon?
Zelgadis: You weren't serious, were you?
Lina: Oh, yeah. The Queen really thought you WOULD be having your way with me,
Amelia, Filia,
and Xellos.
Zel thinks about what a Ra Tilt would do to the Queen's hut...Nah. He'd get fired on
the spot.
But he's thinking about it...
Filia: Sick. Very sick. Sick sick sick!
Naga climbs out of the crater left by Lina's second dragon slave.
Naga: Hey! Why wasn't I in that list?
Amelia: Damn it! Naga isn't blown to bits after all.
Naga: I said, why wasn't I in that list?
Xellos: That's a secret.
All: Groan. Not this again.
Xellos: You're not special! Ha!
Naga: Ah ha ha ha! And you are?
Xellos thinks for a moment. Then his eyes widen in horror and disgust.
Xellos: Sick! What the hell was I thinking when I slept with that perverted
Queen?
Xelloss stalks off to think about his terible mistake. [HEY! SLEEPING WITH ME ISN'T
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!
YOU TAKE THAT BACK, FIONAVAR! ~qos]
Lina: (yelling after Xelloss) Why don't you go find her and ask? You'll probably
end up boffing her anyway!
Xellos looks back at Lina, thinks about doing something nasty to her, then changes his
mind and walks away.
Lina: Aw, would you looks at that! I scared the trickster priest away!
Lina looks extremely pleased with herself. Zelgadis thinks of something suddenly.
Zelgadis: What would be the fun in 'having my way' with you anyway, Naga?
Anybody can have their way with you.
Naga looks extremely pissed off.
Naga: Fire Ball!
The fire ball explodes harmlessly off Zel's shield spell.
Lina: Hey! That's my spell!
Naga: I had it first!
Lina: No, I had it first!
Naga: Well, I said it first!
Filia tries to get between the two fighting sorceresses, but ends up getting
fireballed.
Filia: That's it!
Filia morphs into dragon form and hovers overhead, out of range of more fireballs.
Sylphiel looks at Amelia and Gourrigan.
Sylphiel: Why aren't either of you doing anything about this?
Gourrigan: It's better not to get involved.
Sylphiel: Well, I'm not going to put up with anymore of this!
Sylphiel grabs Naga by the ear with one hand and Lina by the ear with the other hand.
Lina: Ow! Ow ow ow! That hurts!
Naga: Owie! You're hurting me! Let go!
Sylphiel: I'm not letting
you go until you say you're sorry!
Lina: You're sorry! Fireball!
Sylphiel gets fireballed for the second time in less than twenty minutes.
Naga: You're sorry! Fireball!
Sylphiel gets fireballed again.
Sylphiel: Enough is enough!
Lina: No, enough is never enough. Fireball!
Sylphiel gets fireballed once again. She looks over to Amelia, and gets a very nasty
idea...
Sylphiel: Hey Amelia! Lina and Naga just told me that they were with Zel on the
beach last night. In the dark. Alone.
Amelia's eyes widen in horror. Zel raises an eyebrow.
Amelia: How dare you try to seduce my love! Zelgadis loves me and only me!
Source of all souls which dwell within the Eternal and the Infinite. Everlasting flame of
blue! May the power hidden with my soul be called forth from the Infinite. Ra Tilt!
Lina: Dragon Slave!
Naga: Demona Crystal!
The insults and spells fly back and forth for several hours. Zel and Gourrigan are
sitting on the sand watching Lina, Naga, Amelia, and Sylphiel blasting spells at each
other. Filia flies above them in dragon form, diving at the every so often. Finally,
Gourrigan can't take it anymore. He looks at Zel.
Gourrigan: I think it's about time I ended this, don't you think?
Zelgadis: Hey, it's your funeral. But it's so entertaining. We should go get Rezo
and Xellos so they can come watch. This is almost as good as Funky Fruit!
Gourrigan thinks for a minute.
Gourrigan: The Queen will make the next episode yaoi if this doesn't end soon.
Zelgadis: Good point.
Gourrigan steps into the seething fight and draws his sword.
Gourrigan: Light come forth!
Gourrigan swings the sword about, neatly splitting the girls apart.
Gourrigan: Enough already! It's dinner time! You do remember food, don't you?
Lina: FOOD!
Amelia: FOOD!
Naga: FOOD!
Sylphiel: FOOD!
Firia flies down and changes back into girl form.
Firia: Coconuts. Yuck.
Lina: Good point.
But the seven of them start the walk back to the Castaway's village anyway. They see
Zangulas and Martina on the beach, doing their usual.
Lina: Hey you naked pervs! Get off the beach.
Martina lifts her head. (From where, we don't want to know.) [Hey, this is a family
program! ~qos]
Martina: Who are you calling pervs?
Lina: You, you perv!
Martina: You flat chested little witch! I don't see you getting any!
Amelia: She has a point,
Lina.
Lina glares at Ameila. She'll deal with little Miss Justice later. She turns back to
Martina.
Lina: Who are you calling a flat chested little witch? Fireball!
Gourrigan: Here they go again.
Zelgadis: Hey, whatever happened to that box from Bluefox?
Gourrigan shrugs.
Gourrigan: Does it really matter? Hey, speaking of that, whatever happened to
those half naked gyrating native dancing girls thatAmelia promised us?
Zelgadis: Don't know. Wanna break up the fight and ask her?
Zel and Gourrigan look at each other, then to the fight, then back to each other.
Zel & Goury: Nah!
