Midday sun pours down on Gourrigan's Island. The breeze blows through the palm trees'  leaves. Birds twitter and tweet as they flit hither and yon. The fruit bats munch on  berries in the darkness of the forest primeval. The plankton float merrily on the waves.  

For once, though, there is someone on the island who is more depressed than Zelgadis.  Sylphiel is sitting on the beach watching the waves lazily roll in. A frown is on her face  and a furrow is in her eyebrows.     

Syl: *sigh*   

(swell music)     

Syl: Gosh, how long have I been cast away on this island? Five episodes? Six? And  it's sad, but it's getting to me. This isolation...I want to feel...different. Special.  Not like just another one of the crowd. All that conformity. All that image. All that sex.  All that casual, stress-releiving sex. All that rabid, orgiastic sex. All that slutty,  shameful, voyeuristic sex where you know they're watching you and you can feel them  tracing every curve with their eyes, but you go on grinding pelvis to pelvis and let them  know you feel the pain and the pleasure, and you don't care anymore, and you dig your  fingers into his broad, firm, muscular shoulders and you feel his moist 

*THIS FANFIC PAUSES WHILE THE AUTHOR TAKES A COLD SHOWER*

   *WE NOW CONTINUE WITH THE STORY*

Syl: I want a puppy.

Back at the castaway's village, Amelia is giving haircuts.     

Amelia: Snip-a-dee-doo-dah, snip-a-dee-ay...
Lina: (seated in a deck chair) Just a trim. Hey, Amelia, what made you study to be  a hairdresser anyway?
Amelia: It was Daddy's backup plan.
Lina: Backup plan?
Amelia: Don't move your head. Backup plan. Daddy said that, in case a person with a  strong sense of justice and a large army came and pacifically took over, we'd need jobs to  fall back on. So I took a couple of summer classes at the Philonel Royal Academy of  Beauty.
Lina: So what was his backup?
Amelia: Mime, I think. Or drag racing. I can't remember which.
Gourrigan: (seated in the deck chair next to Lina, with a Marge Simpson beehive,  reading a magazine) Yeah! I get those two mixed up all the time.
Lina: What's that you're reading, Gourry?
Gourrigan: It's an article about the presidential campaign and a dark horse  Democrat. It sounds like he has a good chance of getting the nomination.
Amelia: Who's this?
Gourrigan: Um...guy by the name of Gary Hart.   

Lina facefaults.   

Amelia: Keep your head still, please.
Lina: Amelia, what is a decade-and-a-half-old copy of Time doing lying around here?
Amelia: I thought it'd add a note of authenticity to the beauty parlor.    

Sylphiel walks up to the deck chairs, in a stew, burdened with her thoughts.     

Amelia: Hi, Sylphiel!
Gourrigan: You seem like you're in a stew.
Lina: Burdened with your thoughts, perhaps?
Syl: (to herself) Who writes this crud? (aloud) Yeah, I guess. Nice haircut,  Gourry. Are you giving everyone cuts?
Amelia: If you want. You can get in line.   

She points to an empty deck chair at the end of a line of Zelgadis, Martina and  Zangulus (who does NOT look happy being there). Sylphiel looks at Gourrigan, looks at  Amelia, and gets an idea.     

Syl: Let me take your clippings, Amelia. I'll...go throw them away. It's only fair  that I make it up to you.   

Amelia's eyes bulge; then she hops up onto Lina's shoulders, from there to the top of  Gourrigan's beehive, and starts a speech.   

Amelia: My friend Sylphiel! You are indeed a true friend, with a big heart full  of love and justice! Although I would never charge for the services I perform for joy  alone, and the love of my friends is all I need to go on, I gratefully accept your offer!
Syl: Um...OK.
Amelia: Let me just finish Lina...   

She attacks Lina's hair with furious abandon, then thrusts a mirror into Lina's face.     

Amelia: Whaddaya think?
Lina: Sweet!   

She now has a shoulder-length ponytail in a braid. Amelia tosses a sack, ostensibly  filled with hair, to Sylphiel. 

Amelia: All right, Zelgadis, you're next!
Zel: (leaning back in chair) I hope you remember that my hair isn't made of keratin  anymore.
Amelia: Thought of that. (she brings out a hammer and chisel) Bryl-creem! A little  dab'll do ya! Bryl-creem!...     

Sylphiel walks away from the village, through the dense jungle until she comes to  the beach again. There is a stand there, a la Lucy's from "Peanuts". It reads,  "Trickster Priest--5 cents. The Trickster is IN!" Xellos is seated behind the  counter with his feet up and his smile on his face.     

Syl: Hi, Xellos. How's business?
Xel: Slow. It seems to be picking up. What can I do ya for?
Syl: Well, I was wondering...could you...do you have a duplication machine?
Xel: Not handy. But I could probably throw one together in a pinch. Need  duplicating done?
Syl: Yeah, I'd like a copy of...er...   

She whispers in Xellos' ear.     

Xel: (shouting) GOURRIGAN?
Syl: Eep! Keep it down, will you? It's a secret.
Xel: That's my line. And that's what you get for horning in on my territory.
Syl: Harrumph.
Xel: Normally, I'd insist on two free hits on the arm, but this is business. Now,  an exact duplication, was that?
Syl: Uh...no. I want him super-deformed, but not so that he'd disappear like when  he and Amelia and Lina and Zel and I did the duplication.
Xel: Hm. Tricky. But it _can_ be done!
Syl: (sighs with relief)
Xel: First, I'll need 5 cents. Thank you very much. Now, bring me three coconuts, a  palm frond, a long hairpin or the radio antenna from the Noonza, as big a spring as you  can find, a tumbler glass, and a Squeegee.
Syl: OK! I'll be back in a few minutes.
Xel: Aren't you going to ask me what all that's for?
Syl: I'm assuming it's a secret.
Xel: I thought it was pretty obvious, actually. The Squeegee, for instance, is to  clean the glass after we're done.
Syl: Oh. So...what's the spring for?
Xel: If you can't figure it out, it must be a secret!
Syl: (trudging off) I don't know WHY I even bother...   

In the castaway's village, the cast members are struggling to get Zangulus' hat off his  head. Zelgadis, now with a DA, albeit a stone DA, is with Amelia at one side. Gourrigan  has a death grip on the top of Zangulus' hat and one foot crunched down on his shoulder.  Lina and a cueball-bald Martina are pulling at Zangulus' ankles. Zangulus is howling with  pain. Nobody notices Syl sneak past with an armful of stuff.     

Zel: Maybe we should just try to chisel the thing off...   

Syl drops her armload unceremoniously in front of Xellos, who has been picking hairs  out of the hair pile. She looks over his shoulder, but since Gourrigan's the only blonde  on the island, his hair color is obvious--Xellos doesn't seem to be sneaking anyone else's  hair in.     

Syl: OK, here you go. Now what're you going to do with it all?   

Xellos wiggles his finger and the palm frond, hair pin, glass and spring turn into the  exact same three-story duplication machine Syl had seen before.     

Syl: (awestruck) Thank God the law of Conservation of Matter doesn't apply.
Xel: No kidding. (slides open a hatch and drops the coconuts in) I think there  should be enough sucrose in these coconuts to power a super-deformed-permanent-temporal  duplication..
Syl: And if there isn't?
Xel: That's a secret! (giggles for the next fifteen seconds)   

Blackout caption: 2 1/2 HOURS LATER   

Xellos is still absently giggling. Sylphiel is sitting on the sand drumming her  fingers. A beep comes from the machine.     

Xel: That wasn't so bad a wait, was it? C'mon, let's see what happened.    

They open the front doors of the machine. Smoke pours out. There's a Chibi-Gourrigan  dressed in a wrap, standing about eight inches tall.   

Chibi: Ohayo!   

Sylphiel squeals with delight and snatches him up in her arms.   

Syl: Oh, Xellos, this is wonderful! He's perfect! Thank you so much! You're  brilliant!
Xel: Quite. But not too loud, now, or everyone will want one.   

Sylphiel and Chibi-Gourrigan wave bye-bye and disappear for home. Xellos does The  Xellos Thing (tm) as a goodbye salute and watches them go.   

Xel: Or everyone will want one...famous last words.   

He puts on his Scary Guy Smirk (tm) and watches as a small mountain of Chibi-Gourrigans  pour out onto the beach.     

Xel: Now, she didn't SAY she didn't want more than one, did she? Hee hee hee hee  hee hee...go, agents of chaos! Go forth and wreck havoc upon this island! Teach the  castaways to--hey! That's my staff! You twerps bring that back here!    

In the castaway's village, it's suppertime. Sylphiel and Xellos are absent. Firia's  hair has been shaved and waxed into an enormous mohawk, while Rezo is sporting an Afro the  size of a beach ball. Zangulus, sans hat, has a Beatles mop.     

He doesn't look happy about it.     

Martina: There, there. I think it looks good. It's fab.
Zang: I wanted an Afro too.   

Amelia skips in with a covered platter.     

Amelia: Dinner time! We've got tuna stuffed with coconut and berries with coconut  milk.
Lina: Yum!   

Gourrigan starts panting and pounding his silverware on the table, and Firia and Rezo  lean forward expectantly. Amelia uncovers it, letting off a cloud of steam. It dissipates  in a moment, and...the platter has vanished. Naga has materialized on the table. Her hair  is in an entire cluster of small braids, each tied up with a black bow.
 
Naga: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! You thought you could sneak in your dinner behind the back of  Naga the White Serpent! For this indignity I'll just...eh?   

She has pulled a Chibi-Gourrigan from off the tray and was dangling him by his ankle  over her mouth. There is an entire coconut in Chibi's mouth. He swallows it.     

Gourrigan: Copycat!
Firia: What's that?
Rezo: Where did it come from?
Lina: How did it get here?
Zel: Where's Xellos?
Amelia: (draws her knife) Right now?   

She takes a dramatic step forward and trips over a different Chibi-Gourrigan.    

Chibi: Oopsie.
Gourrigan: Sorry, Amelia!
Lina: Believe it or not, Gourrigan, this isn't you. (she snatches yet another  Chibi-Gourrigan up to make her point) This appears to be a pint-sized duplicate of  yourself.
Rezo: Hm, some muthafucka seems to have duplicated my duplicating machine.
Firia: What was that?
Rezo: Someone seems to have duplicated my duplicating machine...a machine that can  make an identical copy of something else.
Zel: We used one a long time ago to make duplicates of Lina and Gourrigan. Now,  someone has made three copies...
Martina: (one in each hand) Five copies.
Zang: (two under each arm) Nine copies.
Gourrigan: (staring at one at arm's length) Um.
Rezo: (feels in Afro for a moment, then) Eleven li'l muthafuckas.
Lina: Rezo, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SOUNDING LIKE SHAFT?
Rezo: Keep it cool, sista. I don't know about all that shit, no'um sayin'?
Naga: I think his hair has gone to his head! Oh-ho-ho-ho--  

(Lina knocks her senseless with a frying pan)    

Lina: God, that was an awful joke. Amelia, I want you, Zelgadis and Gourrigan to go  find Sylphiel and Xellos, they're our prime suspects. Rezo, you stay here with the frying  pan and hammer Naga when she wakes up.
Rezo: Aw, yeah.
Lina: Firia, you and I will patrol the island and try to corral the  Chibi-Gourrigans to the beach. Hopefully, they'll be easier to spot from the air.
Firia: I understand, Ms. Lina...!   

She hitches up her skirts to knee height, revealing a crowd of close-packed  Chibi-Gourrigans staring at her tail.     

Chibis: Ooh la la.   

Shrieking, Firia whips out her mace and swats the whole crowd off into the jungle.     

Zel: (concerned) Oh my gosh...FORE!   

We mix through groups of Chibi-Gourrigans splashing playfully in the lake, gorging  themselves on berries, and wandering around stoned on Funky Fruit, finally centering on  Xellos as he wanders through the jungle.   

Xel: Hey! Where is that staff? It's mine, you losers! What're you going to do  with it, eat it? No, I'd better not give them any ideas.   

He pushes aside a cluster of fern fronds and discovers the episode's guest  star--dressed in tattered rags and long, unkempt hair, Xellos recognizes...    

Xel: Gary Hart?
Gary: Xellos Metallium? Xel baby! Long time no...
Xel: Sh! Sh! Sh! (clamps his hand onto Gary's mouth) Uh, hi. Not that I'm not happy  to see you or anything, it's just that, well, I'm a little bit busy right now.
Gary: Oh, sure. I understand. What are you doing here?
Xel: Well, at the moment, I'm looking for my staff..um, I mean...
Gary: (eyes gleaming) Hey, do you need a vice president? Or a secretary of state?    

In the sky over the island, Firia and Lina are scanning the ground for  Chibi-Gourrigans.     

Lina: Drat! This wasn't so good an idea. With the tree cover I can't see anything.
Firia: I'm not seeing much in the infrared spectrum. The trouble is that they look  a lot like birds from up here.
Lina: Well, we should find Xellos and get back to the villiage. I wonder if the  others were able to find Sylphiel?   

In the village, Gourrigan scurries to one side of the girls' hut's door, and Zelgadis  (armed with Firia's mace) takes the other side. Amelia takes point and succeeds in kicking  down the door in one try. The hinges and frame were bamboo, anyway, so it's not like it's  going to be hard to repair. Amelia storms in and Gourrigan and Zel follow her. Inside,  looking a mite sheepish, is Sylphiel. Her Chibi-Gourrigan is dressed up in a sequined  Ken-doll-esque jogging suit and doing a little dance on her lap.     

Amelia: Could we please have a word with you outside, Ms. Sylphiel?    

Fade out on Gourrigan and Zel brandishing their weapons. Fade in on the beach. Xellos  is dressed in a suit and tie, and is speaking from behind a table.     

Xel: Your Honor, Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen. Our colleague Sylphiel has  been brought before this court, by writ of Habius Corpus, Lex Talonis, Magna Carta, E  Pluribus Unnum, Annuit Coeptis, Yaddaus Yaddaus Yaddaus, for the high crime  and/or/nor/xnor misdemeanor of being a naughty person. Yesterday she did willingly and  knowingly conspire with blah blah blah to fabricate clones in such a fashion as to have a  negative impact on the island's biogeography and generally piss the rest of us off. It is  now our duty, nay, our moral obligation, to whop the kaffuffle out of her in a true and  just manner. Thank you.   

He sits down. In the jury box Lina, Gourrigan, Rezo, Zelgadis, Martina, Zangulus and  Firia applaud, and Amelia wipes a tear from the corner of her eye. Naga, dressed in very  low-cut legal robes, nods sagely from her podium. Sylphiel is gagged and tied up head to  toe, hanging by her ankles from a convenient palm tree.     

Naga: If that has been entered into the record...I believe that it is only  appropriate--Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!--that the punishment fit the crime, yes?
Jurors: YES!
Naga: And Sylphiel's crime was in abandoning casual sex for a long-term, rewarding  relationship, yes?
Jurors: YES!
Everyone: (to Sylphiel) OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!
Syl: (voice over) NOOOOOO!   

The voice over is laid over a photo of Sylphiel, in a wet T-shirt and floss bikini,  siting on Gary Hart's lap with the stern of the Noonza in the background, a la the  "Monkey Business" photo.   

Later in the afternoon, Lina (face up) Gourrigan (face up) and Rezo (face down) are  catching rays. Lina is in that red bikini, Gourrigan and Rezo are in Speedos.     

Lina: Maybe we were a little harsh on her.
Gourrigan: Oh, don't worry about it. Think about Xellos. We had to make him be a  lawyer.
Lina: I see your point.
Rezo: So lay it to me straight one time...whassup with all the little homeboys, ya  know?
Lina: (shrugs) I don't know. We haven't seen any of them today. Gourrigan...if you  suddenly became eight inches tall and irresistibly cute, what would you do?
Gourrigan: Um, leave, I guess.
Lina: OK. For where?   

We zoom out very fast then pan over to pick up the Legendary Isle of Bishoujo--which,  because it's got a lot of sodium-rich granite and the soil lacks certain crucial  micronutrients, looks like a big pink heart from above.   

Cut to Deedlit and Princess Kahm cheerfully working on a sandcastle together. They are  interrupted as C-ko staggers up to them.     

C-ko: Daiiiii...Daiiiiii...Daiiiii...
Deedlit: C-ko-chan! What's the matter?
Kahm: I think she's delirious!   

She bends WAY over and splashes some sea water onto C-ko's face. It's enough to bring  the girl back to the verge of reality. 

C-ko: Men...blond...eight inches...headed this way...

Before the words are quite out of her mouth Deedlit and Kahm have torn up the island to  the highest cliff on the island, which looks very dramatic and took the girls years to  carve because it never would have formed that way by natural erosion. Both conjure  telescopes and look in the direction that C-ko came from. They see a dozen tiny dugout  canoes, each with nine Chibi-Gourrigans at them.     

Eight operate the oars in double time as the ninth, the drummers, beat out an  inspirational rhythm:

All: Girls!
Drummers: 'Cause all I really want is...
All: Girls!
Drummers: And in the morning...
Deedlit: Oh! They're so cuuuute!
Kahm: Yeah, but what a letdown.