It was a normal day on the island for our castaways. Rezo and Xellos were getting their daily dose of UV’s. Gourrigan was busy shining up his Sword of Light (as if light needs cleaning) while Zangulus was brushing up on his sword skills. Zel was wandering around the island as usual, and the girls, well the girls figured they needed to relax in the island’s hot springs, which is where this little fan fic begins:

Martina: Man o’ man! I forgot how relaxing these hot springs are. Zangulus and I should really should get out of that hut more often.

Lina: Say Martina, what made you guys leave the hut anyway?

Martina: Eh, we were tired of making out.

Naga: OH HO HO! There’s a first!

Martina nails Naga on her head with a rock that was laying near the edge of the hot springs. Everyone (except Naga) started laughing, that is of course, till they heard the distinct noise of rustling bushes.

Firia: Did you hear that?

Lina: Yeah, it’s probably a cat or something.

Firia: Since when have you seen a cat on the island?

Lina: Hmm... Good point.

Another rustling sound is then heard, along with what sounds like a voice.

Unknown Voice: I think this is the right place. It should be right behind these bushes I think.

Amelia: ACK! It’s a peeping tom!

All: EEEEK!

Lina: FIREBALL!!!

Lina lunges the fireball in the general direction of the noise blasting a hole through the thick foliage. Martina sees a figure dashing away through the smoke.

Martina: Hey there he goes!

Lina (making another fireball): I see him, I see him!

Sylphiel: Hey, isn’t that a red cloak?

Amelia: You know, I think you’re right, Slyphiel. Was that Rezo?

Lina: Why that demented, red-clad pervert! What the hell was he doing spying on us?

Sylphiel: Um, Lina?

Lina (still very much annoyed): What!?

Sylphiel: Rezo can’t spy on us, he’s blind, remember?

Martina: And for crying out loud, power down that fireball before it overloads and you end up roasting us all!

Lina: Whoops. Sorry. ^_^

Lina powers down the fireball, and gets back to thinking of what he was doing back there in the foliage.

Lina: He may be blind... but he can still listen in on our little girl chats, and use anything he hears to hurt us later on. And just for trying to do that, he’s gonna get his ass whooped. Are you with me girls?

All: Yeah!

And so the girls start heading for the village, chanting as they march along.

All: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD! KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!

Meanwhile, at the village, the guys are wondering what the hell that explosion was all about.

Rezo: So which one of them do you think threw the fireball?

Xellos: I’d put my money on Lina.

Gourrigan: Same here.

Zangulus: Hey I’ll take that bet. Five funky fruits says she didn’t throw the fireball.

The other guys look at each other, then smile wickedly.

Rezo, Xellos, Gourrigan: Okay.

Zelgadis came running into the village at demon speed to find out what was going on.

Zelgadis: I heard an explosion. Did Lina just throw a fireball?

Gourrigan: Yeah, but the sword slinger here doesn’t believe it. In fact, he’s betting 5 funky fruits it wasn’t her.

Zelgadis: Really? I want in on this bet. Put me down for Lina.

The guys then start hearing the death chants of the girls.

Girls: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!

Rezo: Hmm... They sound rather pissed off.

Zelgadis: That’s obvious. But about what?

Rezo: I guess we’ll find out now.

The group of angry girls come into the village, and stop right in front of Rezo. All have looks of hate and rage on their faces. Their weapons have been drawn, not a good a sign. Rezo started to shudder once he noticed Firia had her mace in hand. Lina is the first to speak (as always).

Lina: What the hell were you doing spying on us?!?!

Rezo: I beg your pardon? Spying on you? Oh please Lina, I wouldn’t spy on you. I’m blind remember?

Lina: Oh stop with the innocent blind man bit and tell us all the truth!

Rezo: I AM. Besides , I wouldn’t spy on you even if I could see. There really is nothing attractive attached to that body of yours that is worth looking at.

Lina: WHAT? YOU BASTARD! FIREBALL!!!

After the smoke clears, Rezo is still standing, but he’s quite dazed and rather charred. Lina doesn’t stop with just the fireball. She then jumps on him and starts pummeling him to a pulp.

Rezo: Someone get this crazy bitch off me! Zel! Zel! Help your old grandfather/great-grandfather and get her off me!

Zelgadis: You expect me to get between you and a bloodthirsty Lina Inverse? HAH! Don’t hold your breath gramps.

The commotion was halted by a rather eerie laugh. A laugh that made even Naga and Xellos’ hair stand on end.

Xellos: What was that?

Naga: I don’t know, but that was creepy.

Lina looks around to see where it was coming from. Nothing. She was just getting ready to continue her pummeling on a now unconscious Rezo, when a small flare arrow whizzed past her and made her stop what she was doing. She then heard an unfamiliar voice that was directed to her.

Man in Red: I wouldn’t try to beat him up again Ms. Inverse, otherwise I will make sure that the next flare arrow is on target.

Lina gets up and turns around to face the newcomer.

Lina: Listen bud, I don’t know who you think your dealing with here, so I suggest you--

Lina stops speaking when she notices what our unknown friend in wearing.

Lina: Hey wait a sec, you’re wearing red too!

Man in Red: That’s a rather astute observation Ms. Inverse. Would you care to make another?

Lina: It wasn’t Rezo who was spying on us, it was you!

Man in Red: Spying? I wasn’t spying, I assure you. If you just give me a minute to-

Lina: This will teach you not to spy on girls, you pervert!

Gourrigan: There she goes again, shooting first and asking questions later.

Lina: FIREBALL! HA HA HA!

The fireball was right on target when it struck the mysterious man in red. The flames engulfed his general area completely.

Zelgadis: Holy shit!

Xellos: There’s no way that he could cast that spell so quickly, she’s too close for him to pull that off.

Lina: What the hell are you guys--huh?

All stand in awe as the see the mysterious man in red still standing, unharmed, with a protective barrier encircling him.

Lina: Gods! How did he manage to do that so quickly? What are you, some kind of Dark Lord?

Xellos: He isn’t. I would have recognized him.

Everyone now had a good view of what he looked like now that the dust cleared. He was about as tall as Rezo, and his complexion was slightly dark. His hair was jet black and cut short, and he had mismatched eyes which were brown and gold, kinda like copy Rezo. It looked like he wore the same clothes as well, but the staff was different. The staff itself appeared to be made of wood, and the head of it had a bluish orb encased between strips of gold.

Firia leaned over and whispered into Martina’s ear.

Firia: Hey, he looks kinda cute.

Martina: I’ll say.

Xellos: Eh, he’s so-so. I like Alex a lot more.

Blink-Blink

Everyone including the Man in Red look at Xellos. Xellos simply smiles and giggles like a schoolgirl.

Man in Red: Fruitcake.

The Man in Red redirects his attention back to Lina, who still seems to be upset.

Man in Red: Look Ms. Inverse, I’m terribly sorry about that mishap earlier. I got lost trying to find this village. The directions that the Queen gave me were terrible. I thought I had found it that time. Boy, was I wrong.

Lina: Wait a sec, are you telling me that you’re the one writing this fan fic?

Man in Red: You got it.

The Man in Red takes a polite bow.

Man in Red: Michael the Red Priest, at your service.

Lina: How do you know the Queen? I’ve never known her to hire perverts.

Michael: I’ll let that one slide. The answer to your question is I met her through a contact.

Lina: Who exactly is this contact?

Michael: My contact was the one you so kindly fireballed. (gesuring to Rezo) Rezo here is a friend of mine. He introduced me to the Queen. Which reminds me, aren’t you going to heal him?

Lina: Huh?

Michael: I would have healed him already, but my specialties are black and shamanist magic, not white.

Lina: Oh yeah! Almost forgot about him. ^_^

Lina puts her magic to work until the priest starts to moan and stir a little bit, which was a good sign that Lina hadn’t killed him (again).

Lina: Well, he should come to any minute now. Now about that barrier.... I thought you couldn’t do white magic spells. How could you project that?

Michael: This? This thing emits from my orb here which can be activated by this switch. See?

The blue barrier disappears.

Lina: That is an interesting device.

Gourrigan: I could sure use one of those.

Zangulus: Why? So you can protect yourself when my blade finally hits a vulnerable spot?

Gourrigan: I’m not really worried about that. It’s so I can protect myself from Lina.

Lina: Protect this you numbskull!

Lina pounces Gourrigan and starts pummeling him.

Michael: ahem Could we stop goofing around here! I’ve got a fan fic to write!

Sylphiel: Hey Mike, Rezo is waking up!

Rezo gets up, stretches, and starts looking around. Then he starts laughing like madman.

Sylphiel: Rezo what’s wrong?

Rezo: Omigosh! I can see!!

Sylphiel: Really?

Rezo: Naw, just kidding. Bwah Ha Ha!

Sylphiel: FLARE CARROT!

Rezo: Wha--

Rezo gets stunned by Sylphiel’s dreaded flare carrot. He continues to laugh.

Firia: Playing jokes on those who are emotionally sensitive. Well, at least we know he’s still his normal self.

Rezo then stops laughing. In fact, he gets rather angry.

Rezo: That....that power....where have I sensed it before? Lina, is there someone else on the island that I’m not aware of yet?

Lina: Well actually, yes. Our guest writer is here. Says his name is Michael the Red Priest, and that he’s your buddy. I didn’t know you had friends Rezo.

Rezo: I had one, but he betrayed me. This is no friend of mine.

Lina: Are you sure? He said you introduced him to the Queen of Swords.

Rezo: I did. But then he got Eris to make a copy of me, and have it try to discredit me further with Queenie. What’s worse, it’s the same copy that absorbed Zanifar.

Lina: Is that true?

Michael (grinning wickedly): I won’t deny it.

Lina: You’re kidding! Why would you do something like that?

Michael: It was just a joke. Is it a crime to be funny once in a while?

Rezo: What the hell kinda joke was that?! I almost lost my job because of you!

Michael: Well if you had stopped making me look bad around girls, I wouldn’t have done it.

Rezo: You screwed up on your own.

Michael: Oh don’t give me that! You were always using that blasted seduction spell on anything with a skirt. You were always afraid to pick them up the old fashioned way.

Rezo: Oh yeah right, and like you didn’t use that prostrate enhancement spell to pick that chick Sally up?

Michael: Oh Gods that’s disgusting! I never needed any those damn spells to begin with! I’ve just about had enough of this shit! FLARE ARROW!

Michael let loose a flare arrow, but Rezo was able to out-maneuver it.

Rezo: Still a little slow I see? DIL BRANDO!

The protective barrier came up around Michael in an instant to deflect the spell.

Michael: And to think that I was going to apologize to you. What the hell was I thinking?

Both drop to the ground and start muttering under their breath. Lina strains to listen to what they were saying, then her eyes grew wide and the expression on her face changes drastically.

Lina: OH SHIT!!! EVERY ONE DROP!

Zelgadis: What's going on?

Lina: They’re both gonna do the Dragon Slave!

Zelgadis: Are they mad? They’ll kill us all!

The two were poised to finish themselves and the castaways once and for all. The crimson balls of energy were just begging to be fired. The moment of truth was at hand.

Michael, Rezo: DRAGON--

Queen of Swords: HOLD IT!

Both stop the spells instantly, and stare at the Queen of Swords. They try to cast their "Who me?" faces on themselves as best as they can.

Queen of Swords: What the hell are you trying to do!

Rezo (grinning): Oh, nothing. We’re just trying to settle our little differences, that’s all.

Queen of Swords: Settling your differences does not include blowing up my island and cast! I don't want either of you Dragon Slaving anything on this island to oblivion, do you understand me??? And that goes for Giga Slaves too!

Michael, Rezo: Yes ma’am.

Queen of Swords (pointing at Michael): Now apologize to Rezo for being such an ass.

Michael: But--

Queen of Swords: DO IT!

Michael: Okay. Grr...Rezo...I’m...I’m...Damn, this is harder than I thought. Rezo...I’m...sorry.

Rezo: Apology accepted.

Queen of Swords: There now. I assume you feel a lot better now?

Michael: Not really. Say Queenie...

Queen of Swords: Yes?

Michael: There are absolutely no Dragon or Giga Slaves allowed on the island, right?

Queen of Swords: That’s right.

Michael: But everything else is fine?

Queen of Swords: Yep.

Michael (grinning wickedly): Okay.

Michael reaches into his robe and pulls out a small black cylinder with a red button on top of it. He pushes the button.

Lina: What was that you just did?

Michael (still grinning): Oh, nothing.

A blue ball of photon energy goes flying by and nails Rezo dead on.

Michael: this doo-hickey is the trigger mechanism for a photon cannon. Rezo knows what it is. Isn’t that right Rezo?

Rezo (now roasted again): All *cough* too well unfortunately. *cough* Where did you *choke* get that?

Michael: I bought it off of Queenie’s Protoss friend Dathon. He was rather eager to sell it. He said something about needing money to buy troops to fight the Terran onslaught or something, so I took it off his hands. I didn’t really think I would need it. I was actually planning to give it away. [Dathon: No, it was for repairs to my ship after that damn party!]

Gourrigan: I’ll take it!

Lina: The hell you will!

Lina pounces Gourrigan again and starts pummeling him.

Michael: You know, pushing this button is pretty fun. I think I’ll do it again. Tee Hee!

Rezo: Oh shit.....

Another photon ball comes flying in, but it misses Rezo. Michael’s giddy expression changes to sour displeasure, then his eyes get as big as saucers when the photon ball finally hits a target-- which was unfortunately the Queen.

Michael: Oh shit, I’m f***ed

Queen of Swords: *cough* Damn straight you are! When I get my hands on you......

Michael darts off in the other direction, with the Queen close behind him, carrying Firia’s mace in her hand.

Zangulus: Well, that’s over. So what do we do now?

Martina: Hey Zangulus. Why don’t you come with me to the hot springs? We’ll have REALLY good time.

Zangulus: Okay.

The married couple rushes off to the hot springs, giggling as they went along.

Lina: Aw shit! Now we’ll never get to go back to the hot springs again.

Zelgadis: Who’d want to after the two of them have been in it?

Lina: Good point.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island....

Michael: C’mon Queenie, give me a break! It was an accident! I’m sorry, really I am!

Queen of Swords: Apologizing isn’t gonna solve this one Mike. The only thing that will satisfy me is my foot standing triumphantly on top of your head!!! NOW HOLD STILL!!!

Michael: YIPE!