The Queen of Swords has yet to get her obnoxiousness back, so she continues to find guest writers who fill in for her until it does. Our fan fic begins in the office of the Queen herself...

Queen of Swords: I like this. I really do. But it’s too cute for a site like mine. I also fear that Rezo and Xellos would try and take advantage of you or something, or even put you in danger. I’m sorry, I can’t give you the job. You do understand don’t you?

Chibi-Chibi Usa: *sniffle* Yes ma’am.

Queen of Swords: Okay. NEXT!

The door to the office opens, and we a silhouette of a tall figure holding a staff. The silhouette walks over and sits down in the empty chair in front of the Queen. The figure has a bandage wrapped around their head.

Queen of Swords: You again???

Michael the Red Priest: Hello my queen. I understand you have a position open for scriptwriters?

Queen of Swords: For scriptwriters yes, for you, HELL NO.

Michael: C’mon Queen. You can’t possibly still be mad at me for last time.

Queen of Swords: Yes, I’m still very mad. Let’s recap and see why. You nearly destroyed my cast and island, you shot me with a photon cannon--

Michael: I explained that to you already--

Queen of Swords: I’m not finished! Besides all that, you never finished writing the fan fic.

Michael: I most certainly did finish it!

Queen of Swords: You forgot to edit it.

Michael: Whoops.

Queen of Swords: Whoops is right.. I’m not giving you the job Michael, and there’s nothing you can do that can convince me otherwise.

Michael: What if I bribe you with a Xellos plushie?

Queen of Swords: You have a Xellos plushie?

Michael reaches into his robes and pulls out the plushie. It’s about twelve inches high, and is in SD form. The Queen reaches for it, but Michael pulls the plushie away from the Queen’s reach, and waves his index finger.

Michael: Not so fast. You give me the job, and I give you the plushie.

Queen of Swords: That’s low.

Michael: Hey, I do what I must.

Queen of Swords: Yes I know. You know what Michael? You’ve got skills that can get you through this business, I can see that clearly. All right, I’ll give you the job. You have two weeks to get this thing done. I’m sure the castaways won’t mind letting you borrow a hut or something for the time being. NOW GIMME THAT PLUSHIE!

She snatches the plushie away from Michael.

Michael: Really? I got the job? Oh, thank you Queen! You won’t regret this, I promise!

Michael runs out of the room, leaving the Queen alone to cuddle with her precious little plushie.

Queen of Swords (to the plushie): You are soooo cute.

We change scenes to the Island where the castaways dwell. The sun is rising, as well as one of our cast members. Lina Inverse gets up, rubs the sleep out of her eyes and--

Lina: AAAHHHHH!

Firia: Lina what’s wrong?

Lina: What’s wrong? Just look around you!

Firia looks around.

Firia: All I see is the beach. Wait a sec, what are we doing out here? We didn’t have funky fruit last night did we?

Lina: No. The guys have all that’s left of the harvest after winning their bet against Zangulus.

Firia: So then how did we end up here?

Lina: That’s what we’re going to find out.

Lina starts waking up the rest of the girls, who catch on to the situation immediately. They then wake up the guys, and soon all are assembled in front of the girls’ hut.

Rezo: You think you guys were thrown out of the hut?

Lina: It looks like that. But the real question here is who and why?

Gourrigan: Why don’t we just open the door and find out?

Lina: Okay.

Lina charges up a fireball and Gourrigan kicks the door down. The room has been stripped completely. All that’s left is a Queen-sized bed, a coat hanger, and desk, which was occupied at the moment. The person at the desk is working at a laptop. All he has on are red boxers and a pair of socks. His staff is leaning next to him. Lina recognizes the face.

Lina: Michael the Red Priest!

Michael: Hello Ms. Inverse.

Lina: What did you do to our room? Furthermore, what did you do with our stuff?!

Michael: I’m sorry about the temporary inconvenience Ms. Inverse, but I was in a rush to set up shop, and I did not wish to disturb you girls. I assure though, your stuff is safe. In fact, if you follow me, I’ll show it to you.

Michael walks out of the hut, and all follow.

Michael: The Queen was nice enough to give me a second chance, as well as an office. I knew some of you would not be happy with the fact that I’d be throwing fellow members out of the hut, so I stopped over in Japan. I talked to renowned mad scientist, Washuu, and she was nice enough to build you girls a dimensional gateway to your own personal suites.

He stops in front of a pentagram-shaped hoop. A pinkish energy filled the middle of it.

Michael: All your stuff is in there. Do not be afraid to step through the hoop. I assure you, it’s safe.

Lina shows a sign of doubt, but goes through the hoop anyway.

Lina: WOW! This place is awesome!

Gourrigan’s curiosity get the best of him, and he starts running to the hoop.

Gourrigan: Hey Lina, wait up for me!

Michael: Gourrigan, I wouldn’t do--

Gourrigan runs through the hoop, but instead of being transported, he gets a jolt of electricity from the hoop. He passes out and falls to the floor.

Michael: I tried to warn him. Washuu installed a security system to keep boys out. I never wanted her to, but I couldn’t reason with her once she installed it.

The guys have looks of sorrow on their faces, but Xellos’ expression changes to a goofy grin, and he starts laughing like mad.

Xellos: HA HA HA! Yes! I’m the only guy who can get through the gateway!

Zelgadis: What makes you so sure of that?

Xellos: Because I’m the only one who can change genders! HA HA HA!

Blink-Blink.

Xellos morphs into his feminine form and makes a run for the hoop. He too gets shocked.

Xellos: Ow. What the hell gives? I’m a girl now, I should be through.

Michael: I did however, ask Washuu to install a system that would react to a certain Mazoku Trickster Priest.

Xellos: Why on earth would you do that?

Michael: I didn’t want you putting you filthy hands on the girls’ stuff. You have a knack for ruining people’s lives and property.

Xellos: Thanks for recognizing my handy work. *snicker*

Firia pulls out her mace and bashes the trickster on the head, knocking him out this time.

Sylphiel: Um, gee, thanks Mike.

Michael: No sweat. Well, I gotta get back to writing. You girls enjoy your new rooms.

Lina: Thanks Michael.

Guys: Thanks a lot.

Michael: I almost forgot. I know you guys have been begging for half-naked gyrating dancing girls, but this is the best I could do on such short notice.

He points to a crate near the hoop. Zelgadis opens it. Its full of Frederick’s of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret catalogs, and a twelve-pack of Corona beer.

Zelgadis: I’m in heaven.

The guys begin to gather around the crate, and Michael heads back to the hut.

A couple of hours later, Firia goes to Michael’s hut. She opens the door quietly. His red robes and shoulder armor are still hung up on the hanger. She sees him still typing at the laptop. He was wearing Tan pants and a red shirt, as well as a pair of glasses. Hm, she thought, he looks even cuter with the glasses. Michael senses that someone is in his room, and quickly turns around to see who it is.

Michael: Hi Firia, what can I do ya for?

Firia: Um, oh nothing really. I just came by to thank you for the new rooms...And the security system.

Michael: You’re welcome. I read up on what Xellos I capable of, and I didn’t want him to have you and the power of the gateway in his hands.

Firia: What did you say?

Michael: Me? Um, I said, I said I didn’t want him to have you girls and the power of the gateway in his hands. (nervous look) Yeah, that’s what I said.

Firia (smirking): Oh, okay Mr. Red Priest. I’ll see you at dinner.

Firia closes the door on the dumbstruck writer, sighs, and walks to the gateway. Meanwhile, Xellos was watching from a tree, and watched everything that had happened. His fist is clenched tight enough to turn a lump of coal into a diamond.

Xellos: I knew it. Trying to come between me and the dragon maiden? (evil grin) Well, we’ll just see about that.

Xellos waves his hand, and the laptop in Mike’s room goes haywire.

Michael: NO! Don’t do this to me now! I gotta finish this fan fic!

Xellos (still grinning): Having computer troubles Mike?

Michael: Um, yeah.

Xellos: You don’t mind if I take a look at it?

Michael: You can fix it?

Xellos: The Queen taught me how to trouble-shoot computers. I might be able to find out what’s wrong. [QOS: Heaven help ya if I taught him...]

Michael gets up and offers his seat to Xellos. Xellos sits down and examines the computer.

Xellos: Here’s the problem. The hard drive looks like it’s been through the wringer. We need to replace it.

Michael: I don’t carry spares with me.

Xellos: Not to worry my friend. I might have one in my collection of junk from previous cross-overs. I’ll go check.

Xellos walks over to the guys hut and walks over to his hammock. Under it, there is a gothic-looking trunk. Xellos pulls it out. It reads “Xellos’ Trunk o’ Tricks” (how original). He opens it up and looks for a hard drive. He finds two.

Xellos: Wow, I’ve got a lot more junk than I thought. (Holds up both drives) Let’s see, this one is the one that is working, and this is the one that will blast that laptop to the stone age.

Xellos grins. The plan is simple and fool-proof. He gives Mike the lousy hard drive, and the computer stops working. He won’t be able to finish the fic, and the Queen will fire him. And Xellos will be a happy Mazoku again. It isn’t his best plan, but he cannot stand for this a minute longer. He then notices something in the trunk that sparks his interest.

Xellos: Well now, what have we here?

Xellos pulls out two things from the trunk: The ACME plot device, and the Dimensional Distortion Device.

Xellos: This would be even more interesting.

He ditches the crappy hard drive and starts looking for a couple more things: A radar dish, a lawn-mower engine, and the other hard drive. He picks up all the junk and heads back to the hut.

Xellos: This will be even more fun than funky fruit.

We change scenes over to the girls’ new "hut". Each have their own room, which are double the size of their old hut. Their rooms all join at a large living area, with exercise equipment, hot tubs, and a bunch of bean bag chairs. We find the girls here (minus a lounging Naga), trying to console a distraught Firia.

Lina: Firia, we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.

Firia: I just don’t wish to talk about. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Sylphiel: We promise not to laugh.

Firia: Oh, all right. I think Michael likes me.

Lina: You’re kidding! Him?

Firia: Yeah.

Lina: So how are you planning to handle this? Are you gonna turn him down?

Firia: Why, no. (grinning) The thing is, I like him.

Amelia, Lina, Sylphiel: WHAT??!!

Firia: What’s wrong with that?

Lina: Everything! You hardly even know this guy. All you know is that he likes red. Do you even know his age?

Fira: No. But I can find it out, can’t I?

Lina: True. But you also have to remember that he’s a fan fic writer working for the Queen. You know she will not allow something like this to happen.

Firia: But she sleeps with Xellos all the time, and she’s a writer too.

Lina: Point taken. sigh Firia, are you sure you wanna do this?

Firia nods.

Lina: All right. C’mon girls, it’s makeover time.

Meanwhile, back at Michael’s office/room...

Xellos: There! It’s finished. Hey Mike, come check out the computer.

Michael walks into the hut, and stops dead in his tracks.

Michael: What the hell is that?

Xellos: It’s your computer. I know it looks a little different, but I had very little to work with.

He wasn’t kidding. The computer is two times bigger, and has a bunch of junk hard-wired to it.

Michael: The purpose of it being a portable computer has lost all it’s meaning.

Xellos: Quit complaining. At least it’s working now.

Michael: You’re right. Thanks Xellos.

Xellos: Don’t mention it. It’s the least I could do after you bestowed us with such grand entertainment.

Gourrigan: Hey guys! Dinner is ready.

Xellos: I’ll be right on over, I just need to shut the computer down.

Michael: Okay.

Michael slips on his robes, takes his staff, and leaves. The trickster waits a moment, then flashes the trademark evil grin again.

Xellos: Sucker.

He sits down in front of the computer, cracks his knuckles, and starts typing.

The dinner table is almost full. Naga, Amelia, Rezo, Gourrigan, and Zelgadis are already sitting down. Sylphiel is setting down the entrees when Firia and Lina walk over to the table. Gourrigan nearly chokes on a piece of coconut at the sight.

Gourrigan: *gag* F-Firia!

Zelgadis: Whoa. Firia you, you look so, so--

Lina: Different? Yep, thanks to me and the girls.

Firia is no longer wearing her usual pink dress with white cloak. Instead, she wears a pink mid-driff with white shorts. Amelia had cut her hair neck length, and her face glowed like the sun, thanks to the make-up Lina had applied. Michael enters, and is also stunned by Firia’s new look.

Michael: Wow. Firia, you-you look gorgeous.

Firia: You think so?

Michael: Yeah. (looks at Sylphiel) So Sylphiel, what’s for dinner tonight?

Sylphiel: Well, its--

Chorus: ESCA-FLOWNE!!!

Gourrigan panics, and hides under the table.

Gourrigan: AHH!!! They’re back! Keep those monsters away from me! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!

Naga: Where did they come from?

Rezo: I have no clue, but they’re REALLY starting to get on my nerves. Michael, would you care to join me in a little chorus smashing?

Michael: I’d be delighted.

Michael, Rezo: FIREBALL!!!

The chorus is reduced to ashes, and their is much rejoicing. The two priest in red sit down, and prepare to eat.

Zelgadis: That was weird.

Michael: Not as weird as this.

He points to a little man climbing up his staff. He looks an awful lot like Gourrigan in a jogging suit. When he reaches the top of the staff, he tries to get his mouth around the orb so that he could swallow it.

Michael: HEY! Knock that off!

He prepares to backhand it, when Sylphiel pries the little thing off the orb. She then starts to cuddle it.

Sylphiel (in a caring voice): Hello there little fella. How did you get here?

Lina: Sylphiel! We told you to get rid of that little pest!

Sylphiel: I did, I have no idea how he ended up back here.

Lina: Something funny is going on here.

Amelia: Hey, where’s Xellos?

Everyone realizes that the Trickster Priest is nowhere to be found.

Michael: I saw him 5 minutes ago. He was fixing my computer, and he said he’d shut...it...down...for...me. Aw shit! You don’t think he’s doing this with the computer?

Zelgadis: We’ll have to find out. Either way, I’m gonna kick that piece of Mazoku garbage’s ass in.

Xellos: Tsk, tsk Zelgadis. Now you’ll have to pay for that remark.

Xellos turns of the ACME plot device, and turns on the Dimensional Distortion Device.

Xellos: Let’s see how you like this Chimera-boy.

The environment around the castaways begins to stretch and distort, then a popping noise heard. The group is now in the Chapel of Seyruun. The guys are wearing Black tuxes with carnations (except for the red priests who always wear red), and the girls are in white dresses. Zelgadis is standing in the center, next to a priest.

Zelgadis: What on earth is this all about?

Cue the organ, which is playing wedding music.

Zelgadis: Oh no.

The doors at the front of the Chapel open up, and Amelia and her father, Prince Phil, walk down the aisle, both with tears of joy.

Zelgadis: Someone shoot me.

Back in Michael’s hut, Xellos is on the floor, busting a gut at Zelgadis’ misfortune.

Xellos: Well, in couple of hours, at least one of us will know if what Martina says is true. BWAH HA HA!

Queen of Swords: Xellos what the hell are you doing?

Xellos: Eep! Well hello, Queen. Um, Fancy meeting you here. Speaking of which, why are you here anyway?

Queen of Swords: I came to check up on Michael’s progress. Funny how I should find all the cast members missing, and you here. Where are they?

Xellos: It’s a secret.

The Queen give Xellos a sour look.

Queen of Swords: The truth, Xellos.

Xellos: Um, I don’t know really. I think he and the gang went out for Chinese or some--grk!

The Queen wraps her hand around Xellos’ trachea and squeezes.

Queen of Swords: Wrong answer honey. Now I’ll ask this again: WHERE ARE THEY?

Xellos: gack! Okay! grk! I’ll talk! Just let choke me go!

She lets go.

Xellos (annoyed): gasp You’re certainly in a feisty mood today. I used the Dimensional Distortion Device that I attached to Michael’s computer, and put all of them in a dimension where Zelgadis is about to marry the leech er, I mean Amelia.

Queen of Swords: snicker That’s a pretty good gag Xellos. But I have not decided to have Zel and Amelia get married....yet. Now turn that thing off.

Xellos: But--

Queen of Swords: DO IT.

Xellos turns of the machine, and everything returns to normal.

Amelia: WAHH!!! I was so close. Ooo, that Xellos is gonna pay for this.

Amelia pulls out a knife from her blouse and run towards Michael’s hut, but the guys tackle and restrain her. Then the Queen comes out of the hut, with a mallet in one hand, and an unconscious Xellos in the other.

Michael: Well, at least that’s over.

Queen of Swords: Not yet.

Michael: Huh?

Queen of Swords: There is one more thing we must do.

The next day, we find all the cast members (except Martina and Zangulus) sitting down in chairs, and the Queen and Michael sitting in a raised platform. The Queen is in judicial robes, and Xellos is in a suit.

Xellos: Your honor, our friend Michael the Red Priest is brought her today by writ of all that legal bullshit I said last time. He has been charged with being an idiot, and allowing me to use plot devices that incited mass hysteria on the island.

Michael: What the hell kinda court is this? How was I supposed to know that Xellos had attached dangerous equipment to my computer? He’s the one that did it, he should be the one up here being punished.

Queen of Swords: He is being punished. He has to be the lawyer again. (redirects her attention to Xellos) Continue, Xellos dear.

Michael: Oh Gods this is a bunch of %$^@!

Queen of Swords: Oh my! Such language shall not be tolerated in this courtroom. Bailiff!

Rezo pulls his eyes away from the Victoria’s Secret catalog he was reading.

Rezo: Yes Queen?

Queen of Swords: Silenced the accused. Stuff his mouth with something.

Rezo: Okay.

Rezo pulls out a piece of funky fruit from his robes and stuffs it in Michael’s mouth, which he ends up swallowing.

Queen of Swords: You idiot!

Rezo: What? I did what you told me too. I stuffed his mouth.

Queen of Swords: But did you have to stuff narcotic fruit in it?

Rezo: Oops.

Firia stands up from her spot on the jury box. Her face is red with anger.

Firia: Oops? All you can say is oops? You people make me sick! Sick, sick, sick! How dare you mistreat him like this! He--

Rezo: Put a sock in it Firia.

He flings another piece of funky fruit at Firia’s open mouth, and she too, ends up swallowing it.

Queen of Swords: Oh great! Now we have two stoned-out people.

Firia staggers out of the jury box and walks over to Michael. She grabs him and gives him a very passionate kiss.

Michael: Whoa. You have a tail?

Firia: Yeah. You wanna see what else I got?

Blink-Blink.

Zelgadis: Oh Gods, this is disgusting! We cannot possibly just sit here and watch them do this.

Xellos: Speak for yourself Stony, I’m enjoying this.

The Queen grabs Xellos by the ear.

Queen of Swords: Oh no you won’t, and that goes for the rest of you too. Go back to the village and let’s leave this two alone. (points at Xellos) And as for you--

Xellos: I’m going over to your place?

Queen of Swords: as pleasing as that sounds, NO. I want you to rebuild that computer to the way it originally was.

Xellos: Yes ma’am.

The two begin to walk away, but Xellos stops when he sees a transform Firia flying away with Michael on her back.

Xellos: I got a bad feeling about this...