Rezo's Discount Brain Augmentation Clinic--The Musical!
by Daniel Snyder

Blah blah blah otherwise innocuous day on Gourrigan's Island blah blah blah Fun-kee Froot blah blah blah hillarious hijinx ensue.

Sungazer straightened Fiona on top of his head and tried again.

Sungazer scratched some of the more socially acceptable parts of his body, stretched and gave it another shot.

Sungazer sighed deeply, then groaned through his teeth.

Sungazer: Maybe I'm just going about this wrong.

It was an absolutely awful night on Gourrigan's Island. It was the middle of typhoon season, and even though there hadn't been a tropical storm in more than forty episodes, the law of averages was about to catch up with the cast and crew. Four typhoons, each one coming from a different direction, were causing some beautiful erosion and alphasol formation up on the volcano, but weren't doing much in the way of cheering the castaways. The wind was blowing, the rain was coming in sideways, the surf was pounding the beach.

Everyone, in twos and threes, had scrambled into the sturdiest shelters on the island. Poor Gourrigan had ended up in the supply hut with Xellos and only a Chinese Checkers set to pass the time. And in short order, he had discovered that there was one thing worse than being stuck in the middle of a storm playing Chinese Checkers with a Trickster Priest.

Xellos: Jump, jump, jump, I win! Take off your boots!
Gourrigan: Doggonnit. How did I get suckered into strip Chinese Checkers anyway?
Xellos: It's a secret!
Gourrigan: How come I can never remember when jumping means you keep them and when jumping means you don't do anything? And--and how come I can't ever keep the colors straight? Why is that?
Xellos: Well, that's a secret also. But, just for you, I'll tell you.
Gourrigan: Really? Why is it?
Xellos: It's because you're stupid, that's why.

There was a moment of eerie calm, and then a large chunk of basalt fell through the roof onto Gourrigan's head.

Xellos: Oh my antithesis of God! Gourrigan, are you all right?
Gourrigan: Yeah. It just struck me...Xellos, you're right.
Xellos: Um. I'm glad you agree with me, Gourrigan. Fortunately, I have just the solution.
Gourrigan: Get a solution? From YOU? Xellos, how dumb do you think I am?
Xellos: Well, you can fool some of the people some of the time...all right, yes, I was planning on misleading you and sowing chaos and misery. But if you prefer, you can go next door and talk with Rezo and Firia about it.
Gourrigan: Gee! Yeah, I sure could! Thanks a bunch, Xellos! See you tomorrow morning!

Innocent of the nervous giggling going on behind him, Gourrigan waltzed to the door of the supply hut, opened it and stepped out into 140 km/hr winds blowing from four directions simultaneously. He blithely walked over to the laboratory/Ingenous Contraption storage shed and knocked on the door.

Rezo: Gourrigan? Is that you?
Gourrigan: Yep, it's me, Skipper! How'd you guess?
Rezo: You're the only idiot on the whole island who'd be out walking in this weather. Come on in.

From across the way, Xellos stared dumbstruck at Gourrigan.

Xellos: I don't understand...he could stand up in this wind...it didn't even look like he got wet...what's up with that boy? Could it be that his dumb luck is correlated with his dumbness? Or is it his upstanding righteous behavior is rewarded by divine intervention?

Xellos thoughtfully closed the door. The door fell off of its hinges, and the wind and rain swooshed into the room, blowing off all four walls and leaving the roof to collapse. Xellos was blown off into the jungle with the doorknob still clutched in his hand.

Xellos: Not my night, is it.

Rezo and Firia had been playing speed and drinking coconut milkshakes all evening. The warm candlelight caught the glint of dirtied glassware and threw shadows across Firia's face as she shuffled the deck of cards.

Firia: Good evening, Gourrigan.
Gourrigan: Hi, Firia. Good evening.

Rezo: So what brings you over, little buddy?
Gourrigan: Hey! I ain't so little.
Rezo: You're not my buddy, either, but I'm sticking to the idiom as best I can. What's going on?
Gourrigan: It's...well, I feel kind of awkward about this. Xellos was saying how stuipd I was...
Firia: Aw. Poor Gourrigan.
Gourrigan: But I got to thinking, he's right, gosh darn it! I am stupid, I does stupid as stupid is, or whatever that Gum in the Forest guy says. I'm tired of being stupid. I want to be smarter.
Rezo: Hm. Maybe I can do something about it.
Gourrigan: Really? You could?
Rezo: Well, I have sighted the blind, strengthened the weak, enriched the disenfranchized and done my best with Bob Saggett. I wonder if making you smart isn't something similar.

The Firia played the ukelele while they all sang the Brain Song.

Rezo: Well, the swordsman of light came to me, all in a stew!
His mind was all blank, and he knew--not what to do!

Gourrigan: I said Doctor, please listen--my heart, it's in such pain!
I'm as dumb as a post and I think that I need a new brain!

Firia, Gourrigan and Rezo: Your brain is in the dumper,
You couldn't think, even if you wanted to!
Your brain is in the dumper,
You couldn't think, even if you wanted to!

Gourrigan: Help me out, Mr. Priest!

Firia: Gourry Gabriev, sword-slinger cried!

Rezo: I would never refuse such a task!

Firia: Rezo Red Priest replied!
As for me, I will be a good nurse, and I'll help at your side!

Rezo: But you'd better take care

Gourrigan: If you want to hang on to your hide!

Firia, Gourrigan and Rezo: Your brain is in the dumper,
You couldn't think, even if you wanted to!
Your brain is in the dumper,
You couldn't think, even if you wanted to!

Rezo: Now, the only question is, how are we going to do it?
Gourrigan: Dunno.
Firia: Couldn't you just try putting your hands on him? Like you were healing him?
Rezo: I suppose. There's no guarantee that it would work, however.
Gourrigan: Well, it's worth a try!
Rezo: The other thing is, it might take some time before it shows up. When I was giving people sight, they would often just see a gray blur for a day or two before full sight returned. Still, it's worth a try.
Gourrigan: OK!
Firia: What would you like me to do, Skipper?
Rezo: The patient...ah. The patient is only wearing a pair of tights at the moment. Better find him something warmer to wear. You were playing strip Chinese Checkers with Xellos, weren't you?
Gourrigan: Yeah, I--WAITAMINNIT! I've been sitting around in my skivvies for three pages of dialogue and nobody pointed it out to me? What's the matter with you two? Rezo I can sort of understand, because he's blind, but why didn't you say anything, Firia?
Firia: Good girls don't point out the immodesty of their guests, that's why. Here, try this on.
Gourrigan: Oh! The Cardinals! And it even goes with my tights. Thanks, Firia!
Rezo: Now lie down on your back, Gourrigan. Clear your mind, relax...that's it...

And with that, the neat magic light and sound effects began.

Xellos had had an awkward night of sleep. It had all started when, for no real reason, a coconut tree fell over onto him and knocked him out. He immediately fell into deep REM sleep. It was the end of the world as he knew it, and he felt fine. People in the corner, people in the spotlight were losing their religion. Everybody hurt. And then, near wild heaven, there were shining happy people holding hands. Xellos jolted awake.

Xellos: Huh. I sense a bout of foreshadowing.

He leaned upright and looked down the beach. From where he sat he could see Zelgadis and Gourrigan. There was a book open between them. Xellos pricked up his ears and listened to what they were reading.

Gourrigan: "In...the...extra..."
Zelgadis: One syllable at a time.
Gourrigan: Gotcha, man. "Ex...tro..vert...ed...'extroverted'! In the extroverted... transcendent...experience...the self is...ec-stat-ic-alley...oh, 'ecstatically'...fuzzed..."
Zelgadis: "Fused".
Gourrigan: Gotta remember that one too, man. "Fuuuused". Weird word, huh?
Zelgadis: I suppose.
Xellos: Hee hee hee...Gourrigan's trying to learn to read again! This should be fun, driving him crazy trying to learn and then taunting him as he fails. Though I have to hand it to him, he does seem to be picking something up this time. I guess Rezo's treatment worked.

Xellos was taken aback to see that the Red Priest himself, with Firia at his side, were walking up the beach at that very moment.

Firia: Good morning, Gourrigan! Good morning, Zelgadis!
Zelgadis: Good morning, Firia.
Gourrigan: Hey, man. It's cool.

Gourrigan had turned his head to look at Firia and Rezo, and Xellos was startled by the change in his appearance.

Xellos: That's odd. Most mornings Gourrigan shaves, but he's looking kind of shaggy today. And I never thought of him as the type to wear John Lennon sunglasses. Something's amiss.

Rezo, of course, didn't see anything.

Rezo: How are you feeling this morning, Gourrigan?
Gourrigan: Dunno, man. OK. I don't, like, feel much smarter or nothin'. But don't wig out.
Rezo: Zelgadis, has he been talking like this all morning?
Zelgadis: Yes...he came into my hut this morning with that book, asking me if, quote, "teachin' me to read was a groovy thing", unquote, by me. I said yes. He said, quote, "Dig it", unquote.
Rezo: This is odd. Gourrigan, do you feel...er...hip, this morning?
Zelgadis: Hip?
Rezo: Central to the concept of "hipness" is "digging". To "dig".
Firia: What does it mean, to "dig"?
Gourrigan: Well, you know, like when you dig something.
Rezo: In other words, you are saying, "I am hip."
Gourrigan: Dig it.
Rezo: Now tell me nice and slowly, Gourrigan, "my man", what is it that you're "grooving" on at the moment?
Gourrigan: Timothy Leary, man! Uh, " Using LSD to Imprint the Tibetan-Buddhist Experience"!
Rezo: My hypothesis is correct. I didn't really improve your mind, Gourrigan, I just expanded it.
Firia: ....meaning?
Rezo: I've turned him into a hippie.

Zelgadis grabbed his Stratocaster, Firia grabbed her stand-up bass, Gourrigan helped Rezo behind the castaway's Hammond organ and they sang the Hippie Song.

Gourrigan: Well I'm a peace-lovin' guy.
Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: He's a peace-lovin' guy.
Gourrigan: And I stand so tall, I can walk-walk-walk 'cross the sky.
I'm love-lovin' guy.
Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: He's a love-lovin' guy.
Gourrigan: Let me into your heart, baby, don't you walk on by.

Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: He's a HIPPIE!
HE'S A HIPPIE!
Gourrigan: There's a world all around, a world of harmony!
Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: He's a HIPPIE!
HE'S A HIPPIE!
Gourrigan: There's a world all around, girl, a world for you and me.
Well there is only one world.
Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: There is only one world.
Gourrigan: And it's full as can be, with little boys and little girls.
And I will give them my heart.
Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: I will give them my heart.
Gourrigan: But you love me the best, so I'll save you your own little part.

Zelgadis, Firia and Rezo: He's a HIPPIE!
HE'S A HIPPIE!
Gourrigan: There's a world all around, a world of--
Speaker: *FWARP!*

The quartet stared at Princess AmeliaWil Telsa of Seyruun, who was glaring at them and holding a live speaker cable.

Amelia: It...is...unjust...to...wake...princesses...from...their...beauty...sleep... at...this...early...hour.
Gourrigan: Aw, man, your Highness, I've totally lost my groove now.
Amelia: I don't care about your blinkety-blank groove--oh, good morning, Mister Zelgadis! How are you this morning?
Zelgadis: Fine, thank you, your Highness. I am "hip" this morning.
Amelia: Hip? Oh, as in, cool? Or, do you mean, pelvis? Pelvis...makes me think of...sigh
Firia: Thanks, Zel. While she's distracted, let's pack up and--
Zangulus: FIGHT ME, GOURRIGAN!

By that point, the cast had assembled on the beach--except Xellos, who was still hidden in the bushes. Zangulus had grabbed his customary spot up on the most dramatic point availabe to him, which was the storage hut's roof.

Zangulus: FIGHT ME, GOURRIGAN!

Gourrigan was still behind the microphone with the book up under one arm. Firia, Zelgadis and Rezo were frozen in the midst of getting away from their instruments. By a miracle, Amelia's warm ooey-gooey thoughts hadn't caused her to electrocute herself with the speaker wire. Everyone else was staring through bleary eyes up at Zangulus.

Zangulus: All right! Knock it off this instant! I've said it twice, and both times I've been cut off by the stupid narration! Now, for the last time, FIGHT ME GOURRIGAN!
Gourrigan: C'mon, man. What does violence really solve, anyway? Nothin'! One of us'll win, and then the other guy'll be, like, "I wanna get back at him," and that's such a jive!
Zangulus: Uh-oh. My primary competition on the island has turned into a hippie. Rezo, this is your fault, isn't it?
Rezo: Yes, it was an accident. But how did you know it was me?
Zangulus: Xellos would try to create chaos and not pacifism, Sylphiel wouldn't be able to do it, Zelgadis doesn't have that much of a sense of humor, Amelia would turn him into a paladin of justice, Naga would turn him into a Glomp-o-Matic hormone machine and Lina would turn him into a gourmet chef. That leaves you.
Sylphiel: sigh He's right.
Lina: So Gourrigan's a hippie, now? A lovie-dovie peacenik?
Zelgadis: So it would seem.
Lina: Well...you won't be needing the Sword of Light now, will you, Gourrigan? You believe in 'Make Love Not War', right?
Gourrigan: Yeah!
Lina: All right then! Give it to me! MMMPh! Gourrigan, you--! Wait. I see the flaw in my MMMph! Maybe I'd better MMMMmmmmm^MMMMMMmmm! Actually, this is pretty nice! I've never felt so utterly inhibition free...I feel so much less desire to express my negativity through senseless violence than to work it out of my mind through constructive, nurturing intimacy!
Gourrigan: Groovy!

In the bushes, a certain Mazokou was seeing a little itsy-bitsy-teensy-weensy cloud on the horizon.

Xellos: Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop it! This is dangerous! Hello? Where did everyone go all of a sudden, Zel?
Zelgadis: Beats me. John Lennon and Yoko Ono started sailing the Yellow Submarine, and then everyone took off. Naga went that way, Rezo went that way, Amelia...where did her Highness go?
Amelia: (breathy) Oh, Zel--ga--dis!

Zelgadis and Xellos goggled at the sight of Amelia in the doorway of the girls' hut, behind a newly-strung bead curtain. She had a headband tied around her forhead. Around her neck were a half-dozen strings of love beads. She had on an earth-tone midriff t-shirt and white denim bell-bottoms that started below her bikini line on her hips and ended just high enough to show she had an anklet on her left ankle.

Amelia: (very, very breathy) Would you like to talk about "Free Love", Zelgadis?
Xellos: (sweat drop)
Zelgadis: Free Love. Ahem. Free Love. Love that is free. Hence, free love. I think I'm getting it. All right. I'm "digging" it today. "Dig it", he says. "Dig". Ahem. OK. Dig. Right. (roll shoulders) Digging. I am now "hip".

Still trying to pin down exactly what Amelia was thinking, and what he was thinking himself, and why he felt more warm and squishy than he had in years, Zelgadis let himself be led into the girls' hut. By the time he was able to recover from the shock, Xellos was alone except for a few puffs of incense. He was aghast. Zelgadis Greywers, one of his most dependable sources of neurotic angst, was actually trying to deal with his problems! Xellos picked up his accoustic guitar, played an arpeggio and mournfully sang "I'm a Lonesome Mazokou":

Xellos: I'm a lonesome Mazokou cast away on an island
I should have all that I need to feed,
But instead of depression, or aggression, or angst,
These mortals have discovered harmony!

You would think that these people just couldn't get along
(Without a cause for them to try),
But they're not just fornicating, they're really making love
If they don't tense up quick , my ass will fry!

How can Mazokou make a living, if everyone is happy?
From where will I obtain my snack of shame?
I'm a lonesome Mazokou cast away on an island
And I've only peace and happiness to blame!

Still with a lot more choruses to go, Xellos lost interest. He didn't have enough hands to do the flute solo and play the guitar at the same time. What was worse was that as soon as he had started to think about it, he had gotten hungry. Visions of roasted egos with garlic and chives danced before his eyes, while from the neighboring hut came indications that Lina had discovered a new erogenous zone on a part of Gourrigan he didn't know he had.

Xellos: Erg...must...go...find...misery...

He ran lickety-split up the beach, only to be stopped by Firia. She was setting up a row of small pots on a set of shelves next to a kiln.

Xellos: Firia, what in blazes are you doing?
Firia: I'm doing my own thing, man! I'm going to sell natural teas in hand-made jars, maybe potpourri, too. I figure I can make a few bucks doing what I like...
Xellos: Augh!

He ran away back through the castaway's villiage...

Zelgadis: POWER!
Amelia: JUSTICE!
Zelgadis: POWER!
Amelia: JUSTICE! YES! JUSTICE! JUSTIFY MY LOVE, YOU HUMONGOUS PILE-DRIVER OF THE GODS!

...to the other end of the beach, where he was stopped by Sylphiel and Rezo.

Rezo: Hey, man. You want to help us flyer and stuff? It'd be real cool of you.
Xellos: What's that?
Sylphiel: We're trying to raise people's awareness about our physically disabled brothers and sisters! I'm helping Rezo with his campaign to make all shrines accessable to the handicapped. Like the leaflets?
Xellos: They're blank.
Rezo: They're printed in Braille. C'mon, let's march!
Sylphiel and Rezo:

1-2-3-4--How will I get in the door?
4-3-2-1--Open shrines for everyone!

Xellos: Bollocks!

He quickly turned tail and tried to make it to the forest. But he tripped over a large sign as he went through the castaway's villiage.

Xellos: Ow! My shin! What's this say? "Love-in Today to Protest the Milosevic Regime in Yugoslavia." Eh?
Martina: Hey!
Zangulus: Hey!
Martina: Ho!
Zangulus: Ho!
Martina and Zangulus: SLOBODAN HAS GOT TO GO!
Xellos: Cut it out, you two! You're just boffing, and you know it!
Martina: No way, man! This is more political, you dig it?
Zangulus: And the more noise we make, the better! We're letting The Man know he can't decrease the peace!
Martina and Zangulus: INCREASE THE PEACE! INCREASE THE PEACE!
Xellos: Urk!

Finally, he was able to stagger into the forest depths. But even there, he found that the spirit of love and happiness had spread.

Xellos: Something's wrong...I smell...something burning...like, flesh...or animal hide...
Voice off in the forest: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO! I am free! Free of patriarchal standards of beauty and puritanical standards of modesty! I, Naga the White Serpent, am free to decide for myself what I stand for, to see my own inner beauty, and...
Xellos: Yoiks!

The author has better taste than to describe what Xellos witnessed when he stepped into the small clearing with the fire pit. But the reader can probably guess.

Part Two