Rezo's Discount Brain Augmentation Clinic--The Musical!
Part Two
by Daniel Snyder

Daylight found many of the castaways slumbering on the beach. None were hung over or unusually sticky on various parts of their person, which for fanfics like this was kind of an odd thing. In fact, the night before had been one you could have had your grandmother at, as long as your grandmother's vision wasn't good enough to discern a pair of nipples in firelight. But aside from Naga's unconventional party attire, it had been a harmonious night full of talking deeply about the nature of reality and peace, and getting down with some group sing-a-longs. Which had led to the inevitable jam session. Which had spiraled down to almost nothing by dawn.

Sylphiel: Change chord....change chord...
Naga: How does it FEEL...to be on your OWN...a complete unKNOWN...like a rolling BOULDER...
Sylphiel: I don't think that's how Bob Dylan wrote it.
Naga: Keep it cool. I'm trying to find my own groove here.OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!
Lina: Incredible...after just one night of hanging out with her, that laugh isn't getting on my nerves.
Sylphiel: Love is a wonderful thing!

Something had caught Lina's eye, and she leaned up off the beach to try and find it. It had begun as a glint, or a glimmer, at a point her eyes couldn't quite focus on. But soon it was growing brighter and brighter, and it took on a form she could recognize.

Lina: Hey, look! It's Xellos!
Sylphiel: Yes! He's walking backwards towards us!
Naga: Whoa, man! And he's not falling over or anything!

It was only when he had actually sat down on the sand that they could see what had become of Xellos. A huge number of tiny mirrors were in his face, supported by long metal struts from a single collar around his neck. They were providing him with a very good view of what was going on behind his head--which, at that particular instant, was nothing at all.

Xellos: Good morning, ladies!
Lina: Hey, man. What'cha got going on there on your front?
Xellos: Glad you asked! Start the music.

And the "Personal Rear-View Mirror" music began to play from a brass band that was conveniently off camera.

Xellos: When I wander 'round the island, see, I'd really like to know
What's going on behind me, when I come and when I go.
And if I'm being pestered by a pranking sir or miss,
My personal rear-view mirror helps me when I must resist!

If I'm walking through the forest, I'm surround by the trees.
That's sylvian and dandy, but I'd rather, if you please,
Not worry when a fruit or nut falls down towards my spine.
With my personal rear-view mirror I will know my back is fine!

Oh, the personal rear-view mirror!
A fine and great creation!
The perfect thing to monitor what's after your behind!
Oh, the personal rear-view mirror!
The nation's new sensation!
The perfect thing for people who will keep their mind in mind!

Sylphiel: So when I eat some split pea soup and crackers for my lunch,
Might it come loose and twirl around, and mirror I shall munch?
Xellos: Why, not at all. The struts inside the collar keep it pert,
And also let it swing around so nobody gets hurt.

Lina: But if that's so, then wouldn't it slip down from where it's put?
Xellos: You needn't fear. Just prop it so, and tighten up the strut.
Naga: I love it! I can see myself, my hair, my skin, my face,
It goes with all my clothes and I can cinch it any place!

Xellos, Sylphiel, Lina and Naga: Oh, the personal rear-view mirror!
A fine and great creation!
The perfect thing to monitor what's after your behind!
Oh, the personal rear-view mirror!
The nation's new sensation!
The perfect thing for people who will keep their mind in mind!

Sylphiel: So how can I get one too?
Lina: Wait your turn. So how can I get one too?
Naga: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Lina, aren't you forgetting something?
Lina: What?
Naga: That I come before you when we line up for anything. So how can I get one too?
Xellos: Girls, girls, please calm down! I think you'd all look really good with these mirrors on. The problem is that there isn't any silver on the island for plating...

Sungazer looked up from the keyboard.

Sungazer: He's right. There wouldn't be any in the kind of island volcanic setting. MAYBE in the parts per billion level, but certainly none that could be extracted on a commercial scale. And ore bodies are RIGHT OUT.

Xellos: As I was saying. The problem is that there isn't any silver on the island for plating, so I have to import that. Then I have to have them manufactured elsewhere because of the strict environmental regulations on the island. Plus, I have to pay all the serfs, I mean, workers a decent living wage, as well as maintain the factory, and there's shipping from here to there and back again. My point is that all this adds up and up over time.
Naga: So what are you trying to say?
Xellos: What I'm saying is that I think it's only fair that you do something for me in exchange for these. I mean, hey, if it was lunch, you know I'd do it for you guys. But this is an expensive piece of precision equipment here! Countless hours were put into determining the exact shape of the mirror, how reflective the surface should be, quality control on the flatness, whoo boy, it gives me the willies just remembering it all.
Sylphiel: Well, when you put it like that...sure, I don't mind doing a little work for you. What do you need?
Xellos: Glad you asked!

Faster than the speed of light, faster even than the speed of Lina to the dinner table, Xellos had gotten hold of a huge pile of paperwork.

Xellos: Make you a deal. I give you the mirror now, and you fill out this paperwork for me. Sound fair to you?
Sylphiel: Ah...
Xellos: Great, I knew you would. You're a chum, Sylphiel. Now, let's get this collar on you.
Sylphiel: GACK!
Xellos: Oh, yeah, almost forgot. That's the standard Rawhide Leather model. Get through the stack and we'll talk about fitting you with a padded neckpiece.
Naga: What is all this stuff, anyway?
Xellos: Nothing, really. Just some stuff...
Naga: GACK!
Xellos: ...that the Lord of Nightmares wanted to look over. It should be self-explanatory.
Lina: Hm. "The classical results found for a forced van der Pol oscillator are summarized in section 10.2. In section 10.3 a mathematical interpretation of the classical results, which was elaborated by..." GACK!
Xellos: Now, now, you don't actually have to read it, just glance over it and make sure everything's in order. Oh, and Ms. Serpent, your bosoms are drooping onto where you'll need to sign, do you think you could put on some more formal working attire?

Xellos' scheme had worked brilliantly. Soon the three were very hard at work indeed, and still under the impression that they should be happy.

Lina: Psst, Naga...your mirror working out for you?
Naga: Just fine! I can clearly see that there's nobody behind me...
Amelia: My dear sister!
Naga: ...but the view on the top of my head isn't so swell. sigh
Amelia: Here you are, trapped doing mindless paperwork on a beautiful day, when all is bright and full of joy! Who has coerced you into such a terrible fate?
Naga: Well, to be fair, he didn't MAKE me do anything. I did get this.
Amelia: Oh! Why, that must be a personal rear-view mirror! I know all about those!
Sylphiel: What! How could you? Mister Xellos must've invented them just last night.
Amelia: Could be. I was just reading the advertisements.

She pointed down the beach where Zangulus and Martina were hammering something other than each other. Still with one eye on her paperwork, Lina walked up and read the billboard they were setting up.

Lina: "Wear a personal rear view mirror! Or risk going sterile!" I don't believe that for an instant!
Martina: Read the fine print.
Lina: Let's see..."If you can't see behind you, how can you know if a terrible Golden Dragon is sneaking up to munch on your crotch?" WHAT! How dare he put that in there! Does Firia know about this?
Firia: *sigh* Yes, I do.

Firia was staggering past in her dragon form, carrying a truly huge pile of paper in her forepaws.

Firia: I tried to sue for defamation of character, but I forgot that Xellos was the only lawyer on the island. I have to do this to pay for my legal bill to sue him.
Amelia: Miss...*gack*...Firia...*gack*...can't you...*gack*...get a public...*gack*...defender? This...*gack*...seems so...*gack*...
Martina: Unjust?
Amelia: Well...*gack*...asphyxiating...*gack*...why's the collar...*gack*...so tight?
Martina: Maybe it's got something to do with his being all bent over about Zelgadis on the Road?
Amelia: *gack!*

She bent at the waist and fell over.

Martina: Sorry, bad choice of words.
Zangulus: Still, the things do work. Nail, please.

Without turning his head, he effortlessly plucked a nail from Martina's hand.

Lina: I think I'm cracking. This has gone WAY too far! We have to do something to stop Xellos before...
Rezo: I've just been sent over here to ask you all to come inside the new office building.
Lina: What's that?
Rezo: The new office building. Zelgadis had to build it to pay for his personal rear-view mirror. He was trying one on, and his hair scratched up the surface, so of course Xellos is making him pay for it by conjuring a 14-story building for everyone to work in.
Martina: Everyone's been drawn in by these things! I mean, even you, Rezo! You're blind, and YOU'RE WEARING ONE!
Rezo: I know!

He buried his face in his hands and started crying as Zangulus set up his turntables.

Rezo: I'm such a slave to fashion. I always let other people pick out what robes I wear, and what directions my life will take. It didn't have to be this way. I could have gone some other direction with my life, maybe be an insurance adjustor or a disk jockey. But

The Man was all the player
He gave it to me square
Said, "You're fool if you don't take 'em up,
The deal's all fair:
The Priesthood of Red
It's harder than hard
You take what they give you
And live your life large
You're gonna be a Red Priest
And like I just said, priest,
You do it for yourself right now so you don't be a dead Priest..."

Xellos: I'm sorry, everyone, but it's strictly against company policy to be rapping on business time in a public area, there's, you know, noise regulations, and I'm NOT AT ALL sure that that turntable you've got there is properly grounded. And on top of all that we're at least three minutes behind schedule on the staff meeting that's scheduled for now, so if you could all come with me to conference room A, and I'm afraid you'll have to convert back into human form or use the service entrance, madam.

Lina spent the next 45 minutes stuck in too small a room with air conditioning that was making the nitrogen in the air freeze, while Xellos droned on and on to them all. In the end, they were forced to continue the meeting Tuesday at 9, when they would revisit every single topic "they" (only Xellos had spoken) had covered--which was that getting rid of the brown M&Ms was a bad idea.

Slumped over with the cares of the world, Lina trudged to her cubicle. Her "In" box was jam-packed, her "Out" box had two measely forms in it. She looked from one to the other, and back, then grabbed a pen from her desk and threw it in the general direction of the water cooler.

Lina: Oopsie! Dropped my pen!

She scurried over to the water cooler and snuck a drink for herself. She lingered, looking out the window. Naturally, as just a first-level intern, she didn't get her own window, so getting to look out of one was something of a treat for her. Outside were the golden sands of the beach, the verdant forest of the island, and in the middle of it all, Gourrigan (still looking pretty shaggy) was doing cartwheels.

Lina: Gourrigan? What on earth's gotten into him? He should be at work, there's plenty of rear-view mirrors for him to be getting. I'd better go straighten him out.

She slipped out the fire exit and caught up to him while he was stopping to brush the sand out of his hair.

Lina: Gourrigan Gabriev! Get back inside the offices! We need you to get your butt to work if ANY of us are going to get our personal rear-view mirrors. How do you expect me to get any more if I don't make it through that mound of paperwork that's on my desk right now? Well? Thought of that yet?
Gourrigan: Take it easy, man. There's more to life than materialist culture.
Lina: Oh, fine. I'm sure that perfecting your cartwheel is more important than being PRODUCTIVE with your life. Get a clue, Gourrigan, ANYBODY can do a cartwheel! Watch. GAPTH! ACKTHOWPTH! PTHWETH! Who put that sand dune there?!?
Goury: Hey dude, I want to tell you, it's cool and everything, but you sure looked funny!
Lina: Shut up! I just lost my balance for a moment. Now, observe. I plant my hand and hmmmmmph.
Gourrigan: Lina! Dude! Can you breathe?
Lina: HMMMPH! No, Gourrigan, being suddenly shoulders-deep in sand doesn't do it for me. All right, I see your point, there's more to this than just going floop and over. Let me watch you.
Gourrigan: Sure thing, man. Bend, plantkickcomedown, there! You see that?
Lina: OK, I think I got it.
Gourrigan: Now you try. No, wait! Keep your back straighter.
Lina: Like this?
Gourrigan: No, move like this.
Lina: Gourrigan, you know that was my butt.
Gourrigan: C'mon, man! Be proud of your body, don't be inhibited and stuff!
Lina: All right...THERE! I DID IT! YAHOO!
Gourrigan: Dig it, man!

The curtains came down, and then the whole cast (sans Firia) came out to do the final number.

Cast (sans Firia):

Rezo's Discount Brain Augmentation Clinic,
We hope you have enjoyed the show.
Rezo's Discount Brain Augmentation Clinic,
We're sorry but it's time to go.
Rezo's Discount Brain Aug--
Rezo's Discount Brain Aug--

Firia walked on to the stage doing a variation on the Funky Chicken. Both of her feet were in the pots that she'd been selling herbal teas in.

Naga: Firia, what's the matter with your feet?
Firia: I'm tripping on pot, man!

Cast: *groan*

Sungazer leaned back from the keyboard proudly.

Sungazer: Now THAT'S an episode!

What would you do if I wrote out a spoof
And nobody laughed at all?
If we looked up above to a bright flash of light
And large drops of rain were to fall?
Oo, I get by with a little help from my hat.
Oo, I stay dry with a little help from my hat.

Fiona:

How do you feel when the wind starts to blow?
I could sail off into the air.
I'm all alone sitting up in the room
There's no one to comfort me there.
Oo, I get by with a little help from his head.
Oo, I get high with a little help from his head.

Both:

Do we neeeed somebody?
We need somebody to post.
Do we neeeed somebody?
We get by with a little help from the Queen.

THANK YOU KATHY, FOR PUTTING UP WITH SO MUCH TO GET SO MUCH DONE!

The skit "How to Dig" is not my own original material, but was adapted from a radio ad I heard in Seattle several years ago. Likewise, Lina's quote is from a paper by K. Tomita, "Periodically Forced Nonlinear Oscillators", on p. 213 of the book "Chaos", edited by A.V. Holden, published in 1986 by Manchester University Press.