The
Candy Coated Zel and Amelia Files
Part One: Tongue's the word
by
Tya Heart
Well, it's another night of coconut related meals on Gourrigan's Island. Except for the fact that Amelia seems to have forgotten something.
Lina: What do you mean there's no pie!?
Zelgadis: No pie!?
Xellos: No pie! Okay?
Lina: Xellos, get your mazuko ass back in that kitchen and make me some pie!
Xellos: I don't do pie, okay Cartman!?
Zelgadis: Cartman?
Lina: Not okay! Where's Amelia!? I want some pie, damnit!
Xellos, shrugs: I don't know.
Lina grabs Xelloss by the robe and holds him over her head, snarling. (She's suddenly grown fangs.)
Lina: WHERE IS AMELIA!?
Xellos: Please don't hurt me! I'll tell you everything I know!
Zelgadis: That'll take about a minute and a half.
Lina: WHERE IS SHE!?
Xellos: She's in the cook hut, crying, per usual. Please don't hurt me!
Zel, looks at his snazy new watch: That took less than a minute.
Lina drops Xellos on his rump and stomps over to the cook hut.
Xellos: Run! For the love of God, run! She's in a dragon-slaving-mazuko killing mood!
Lina fireballs the trickster priest.
Xellos: Augh! I'm on fire!
Zelgadis throws him into the ocean and lets the Trickster swim back to shore.
Zel: Serves him right.
Lina: AMELIA!!
Amelia comes out, tears streaming down her face. She throws her apron into the mud and begins jumping on it.
Amelia: *sob-stomp-stomp* You can *stomp-sniff-stomp* do your own *stomp-snort* cooking *sob-stomp* from now *sniff-stomp* on!
She stops stomping and runs to the girl's hut, still crying.
Zelgadis: Not to state the blatently obvious, but she seemed upset.
Lina, glaring at Zel: Somebody do something!
Xellos, dripping from his swim: Not me!
He backs away fast, hands in the air as if to protect himself from the flat chested wrath of Lina Inverse. Lina looks at Zel expectantly.
Zel: Why me?
Lina: She likes you.
Zel walks away, grumbling about a pushy flat-chested sorceress and how he only does what she says because she'll sick L-sama on him...again...He opens the door to the girl's hut.
Zel: Hi, Amelia.
Amelia grabs a pottery cup from the table beside her bed and throws it at him. Zel slams the door before it can hit him. (Like it would hurt him anyway.)
Zel, muttering: Thank god for demon speed.
He opens the door again, scanning carefully for more projectiles.
Zel: Amelia?
Amelia: Leave me alone!
Zel: It's a free country...I mean island.
Amelia: Go away!
Zel: I'm not leaving, Amelia.
Amelia: Fine! I'll leave. I'll swim all the way back to Japan if I have to!
Amelia jump's up to leave. Zel grabs her arm and kisses her full on the mouth,tongue and all.
Amelia: Eeep!
Amelia faints.
Zel: Aw crap.
Zel comes back out.
Lina: Is she going to make me a pie?
Zel: Well, not exactly.
Lina: What-do-you-mean not exactly!?
Zel: She fainted.
Lina: What? Why?
Zel, wiping his mouth: Yuck. I can't believe I did that.
Lina: Huh? Did what?
Zel: I can't believe I kissed her.
Lina: WHO!?
Zel: Amelia! That whiney, justice freak, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Sairune! Happy?
Lina: ...
Zel: On the mouth. Tongue and all.
Lina: Tongue!?
Zel: She was going to leave, okay!?
Lina: Ha ha. Nice save.
Zel: You tell anyone, I'll kick your but.
There is utter silence.
Zel: I'm think I'm going to be sick.
Zel runs for the trees. Lina giggles, then looks in on Amelia.
Lina, grinning: Oh yeah. He kissed her.
Amelia is smiling.
Lina: That Zel...
She leaves the hut. Filia appears outside.
Filia: What's up?
Lina whispers in Filia's ear: Don't tell anyone, but... Zelgadis kissed Amelia.
Filia: ZELGADIS KISSED AMELIA!?
Lina: Shut up!
Filia: Oh. Sorry. He didn't!
Lina: He did! And she fainted.
Filia giggles and runs off.
Sometime later...
Zelgadis runs up and slams down the door of the guy's hut, where Lina is reading Gourigan's Star Wars Manga.
Zelgadis: Who did you tell!?
Lina: I only told Filia. I swear!
Zel: Great! Everyone knows, except the Queen! And if she finds out, she'll shack me up with that justice freak so fast it'll make demon speed look like a snail's pace! Thank god she doesn't know.
Lina: She won't not know for long, Zel. Look.
She points out the window. Filia has invited the Queen of Swords over to the dining table.
Zelgadis: You're dead, Lina!
Lina: I'm sorry!
The Queen and Filia come over and stare at the broken down door.
QOS: What have you been doing, my little stone friend?
Zel, a little too quickly: Nothing!
QOS: You lie... (in Zel's ear) I know.
Zel glares at Lina, then at Filia, then at Lina again.
Lina: Hey! If Filia wouldn't have told her, Amelia would have!
QOS: In fact, it WAS Amelia who told me.
Lina and Zel: What!?
Lina: But she's in her hut!
QOS: No she isn't. She's with Gourrigan and Zangulus, who are building a new hut. Just for the two of you.
Zel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Zel runs into the jungle, yelling at the top of his lungs.
Zel: Somebody please kill me!
Xellos sticks his head out a window and does a Nelson (a la the Simpsons) impresion.
Xellos: Ha ha!
Two days later...
Amelia: Zelgadis dear! Dinner's ready!
Zelgadis: Somebody please take my life.
From nowhere, the author, none other than Tya Heart herself, floats down in a parachute.
Tya Heart: Now what is the problem, my stone friend?
Zel: You're the problem, you Amelia freak! The Queen of Swords at least had the decency *not* to shack me up with Amelia! You..you...you coerced me!
Tya Heart: I'll make it up to you. I promise.
Zel: You'd better have something damn good planned.
Tya: How would you like to score with that hot elf guest writer?
Zel: Eh.
Tya: Eh? What the hell does 'eh' mean?
Zel: She thinks I'm gay.
Tya: No problem. I'll take care of it in the press release.
Zel: Huh?
Tya: Nevermind. So, how 'bout it?
Zel, thinking for a moment: Alright. But you'd better get me out of the hut with Amelia.
Tya: Deal.
She spits into her palm and holds it out to Zel. He looks at her with a raised eyebrow.
Zel: ...
Tya: Uh, nevermind.
She wipes her hand on Zel's tunic, then does a Mr. Burns (a la the Simpsons) impression.
Tya: Excellent. (She cackles like Naga.) Oh ho ho ho ho! She'll never know what hit her.
Zelgadis: Fionavar?
Tya: No you stone-faced freak! Amelia!
To be continued...