The next morning, Harrison bursts into the castaways' village. They are
gathered, bleary-eyed, around the table, having stayed up all night,
thinking Harrison might attack while he thought that they thought that he
was asleep.
"All right you bums!" Harrison yells. "I've gotten some good, restful
sleep and... " he stifles a yawn, "Okay so I didn't get MUCH sleep... my
roommate had his girlfriend over... they stayed up till late... then they
went back to her room... at three in the morning... lucky bastard... I had
to get up at six... that's three hours of sleep..." He shakes his head, to
clear it. "ANYWAY, the point IS... I'm back!" He turns to Michael. "And the
first order of business is... oh dear, what's that stuff coming out of the
end of your staff?"
Michael looks at the stuff oozing out onto the ground. He unscrews the
battery case and groans.
Harrison gets a mock-sympathetic look on his face. "Oh no... The battey
leaked. Gosh. I guess you can't use that ol' protective barrier anymore!
Gee, that's terrible!" He straightens up. "Well, time to get working!" He
jumps onto his magic carpet and drifts off into the trees, pausing only to
cause all their chairs to collapse.
*****
"Shit," says Mike,"This will take forever to clean out! Damn him and
his computer!!" Michael throws the staff at Harrison. You see it fly a
good distance, and land on Harrison's head. The carpet and it's rider fall.
Michael chuckles. "Okay guys, we need to get ready for his next strike, so
here's what we're going to do." Mike and the castaways huddle into a group
so that a certain co-writer doesn't hear. The group then gets ready.
Michael turns on his laptop, and gets on to the trusty Wackyworld server,
home of Tribes. Michael purchases three laser turrets, as well as three
rocket turrets, and six chaingun turrets. He also bought Juggernaut armor
for everyone.
"Your move Harry."
*****
From out in the trees where Harrison fell comes a frustrated scream:
"DON'T CALL ME HARRY!"
A second later, in a slightly calmer voice, Harrison continued, "You
know, I really didn't want to do this so soon in the fight, but... you
notice how the tide has just been getting lower and lower?"
A quick glance down to the beach shows that, during the night, the tide
had receded almost a half mile.
"That's weird." says Gourrigan.
"Do you know what tides like that often MEAN in the Pacific Ocean?"
asked Harrison's voice. "Let me tell you what they mean. They mean a
tsunami's a'comin! What can your chainguns and armor do against a tidal
wave, eh?"
*****
Michael fumes at the sudden realization of how useless all these
defenses are going to be against nature. Michael sits down in deep thought,
trying to plan his next move. "Well," says Lina "What's the plan?"
"I can't think of any except for one, which may only be a hunch."
"Well what is it?"
"When Dathon was on the island doing his conquering thing, did he send
any squads underwater?"
"Actually, yes."
"Perfect." Michael pulls out the standard issue Queen of Swords
communicator, and calls Protoss Executor Dathon. "Dathon, I have a question
for you,"
"Fire away"
"Did you install antigrav platforms under the island?" Dathon
hesitates.
"Um, no."
"Dathon, it's imperative that you answer this question, or the island
and it's residents are gonners, and we lose our jobs. I won't tell the
Queen unless I have to."
"Alright, alright. I did install them. At the time the Terrans were
pushing close to Earth, and I felt it was best to take the battle away from
the planet surface."
"Do you still have the controls?"
"Yes"
"Send them down, fast" A small remote control materializes next to the
Red Priest, who quickly turns on the platforms. The earth beneath them
shudders, and the island begins to float out of the ocean. Soon the island
is a good quarter mile above the ground, and all cheer as their homes have
now been sends. Michael looks at Harrison. "Now that the danger has been
averted," says Mike, "It's time for you to run for your life."
"Huh?" All the turrets around the village spring to life and target
the carpet which Harrison floats upon. All fire simultaneously.
*****
Harrison laughs as sparks suddenly fly from the main control panel for
the turrets. With the aiming system suddenly shorting out, (the sudden
increase of air pressure from the altitude shift, you see) all the shots go
wild, slaughtering many innocent trees and forest creatures and not even
singing their actual target.
"You know," says Harrison. "I told some StarCraft-playing friends of
mine to keep an eye out for Dathon on battle.net. Now I REALLY hope they
find him. I gave them very precise instructions on what to do to him if they
see him. Four-on-one isn't very good odds. I shouldn't think our Protoss
friend would have much of a chance.
"And those antigrav plates... they haven't been used in a while, have
they? I hate to use the same trick twice in the same turn, but... I think
something's gone wrong with them, too."
Michael and the others spend a few moments looking around in a blind
panic, before realizing that the island is not, in fact, falling.
Harrison grins smugly. "Just kidding." But then his expression becomes
serious. "However. I don't like to think about what might happen to the
geologic stability of the island if we stay up here much longer. Besides the
fact that your friends require a certain amount of oxygen to remain
conscious, which is hard to get at this altitude." He grins again. "That's
my counterattack - isn't it clever? You have to undo what you just did, or
risk breaking the island and giving your friends brain damage." He chuckles
a bit at his own ingenuity and pulls a sparkler from his backpack. "I won
these in Calculus class today for getting the most Extra Credit answers
right on our last test. I just feel like bragging, don't mind me." He tries
to light one, but the thinner atmosphere prevents it from catching. He sighs
and puts it away, then glances at Michael. "Well? Bring us down."
*****
Michael sees no other option but to lower the island to a reasonable
height, and brings it down 500 feet above sea level. Michael calmly
whispers in Xellos' ear, and then walks over to his laptop. Xellos
disappears, and Michael starts typing. A flash of light blinds everyone,
and when it dims, Michael is back in his priest robes again, thus signifying
his old talents are back. He just stands there smiling. "I don't why I
didn't think of this sooner," says Mike "I think it's time to cut off the
head of the snake."
"Ixnay on the blood and gore, this is a family program you know."
"I didn't mean cutting you to pieces. Xellos now!" In a blink of eye,
Xellos teleports in front of Harrison, grabs his computer, and then
teleports next to Michael. Michael smiles and yells "PULL!" Xellos
responds by tossing the computer into the air, and Michael further responds
by firing a Ki blast at the computer, reducing it to ashes. He laughs
evily, looks at Harrison, and says, "Now for the rest of the snake."
*****
Harrison stares in horror as the cinders float down around him.
"Boris..." he says, softly. "My half-finshed book... my collection of
anime mp3s... my massive collection of cat-girl pictures... my rare Genesis
roms..." Tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. "My Sprite Soft games... my
bookmarks of near-impossible-to- find-again web sites... And my insurance
won't pay for another laptop... I just got Boris two months ago after my
first one vanished..." The tears stop. "Of course, it's not really
destroyed," he says in a more reasonable voice. He turns to Michael. "But
still, you just blew up the most valuable virtual thing I own." He grins.
"It doesn't matter. I don't need a fake laptop." His grin broadens. "I feel
like taunting you some more."
Suddenly, he jumps off the carpet. He's behind Firia in an instant,
shoving a time bomb into her hands and sealing her in a stasis field. "Now
here's my puzzle for you, Michael." he says. "This bomb has 1/1000 of a
second left on the clock. This stasis field seals its occupants outside of
time. Nothing can penetrate it. (And if you pull that "Well then let's
penetrate it with 'nothing' and save the day" trick then I swear to God I
will kill you.) 1/1000 of a second after you break the stasis field, the
bomb will go off. You could try to teleport the bomb away when the stasis
field breaks but it'll go off in transit on the way to wherever it's
teleported to, and that'll kill us all. You can teleport all of us away when
the field breaks, but the bomb will go off before we're fully teleported,
and what rematerializes won't even be recognizable as having once been
organic matter." He grins. "Now, I've thought of a marvellously simple
solution, which, from what I've seen of your technique so far, I don't think
will occur to you. But I'm extremely interested in what you'll come up with.
Although, if you can't think of an answer, I'll be more than happy to
discuss it with you. I don't want to see Firia vaporized any more than you
do, actually."
He leans against the stasis field, lights his sparkler, and grins some
more.
*****
Michael's fists clench tight as his power aura begins to strengthen,
causing the ground under him to slightly cave in and the ocean below to
swell and stir. "Oh shit," says Lina, "He's beyond pissed. Now you did
it."
"Did what?"
"Haven't you read what happens when some of his sister's goons
over-step the line?" Harrison stares at Lina in puzzlement, then Lina
realizes what she had just said. "Silly me, I just remembered the Queen
hasn't posted up that episode. Just forget about it." Harrison looks at
Michael, whose eyes were now glowing with absolute rage. Harrison starts to
panic, and asks, "What happens? Tell me!" All the castaways make a series
of gestures involving cracking knuckles, explosions, and a the slit throat
motion. Harrison begins to take a few steps backward, keeping an eye on the
other writer, who was now making a massive fireball.
"Yipe" squeals Harrison. Michael revs up his fireball and as he's just
about to fire, Harrison is spared--that is of course, you consider getting
thwomped around by two large guys in legal attire and briefcases being
spared. Michael dissipates his fireball, and stands at attention. "What
the hell is going on," says Harrison, "Where did the suits come from? And
what's with you and the salute?" A voice from above answered, "Let's just
call it 'divine' intervention."
"You don't mean--"
"Yep, me, in the flesh!" The Queen of Swords picks up Harrison from
the ground and then walks over to the dinner table in the center of the
village.
"Harrison. Sit."
He sits. "I'm sorry for the rude interruption, but you caught my
attention when you locked Firia up in the stasis field with a bomb."
"Caught your attention in what way?"
"You've breeched your contract."
"Huh?"
"The contract you signed when you came to my office. Rocko," One of
the big guys opens up his brief case, and hands Harrison a copy of the
contract while the Queen continues speaking, "Page 4, Paragraph 6, Lines
1-8: No character can be killed (which is what you seem to be attempting)
or hauled off the island without consent of the Queen of Swords, that's me.
To acquire proper consent from the Queen of Swords, please sign on the
dotted line below. Oops! You forgot to. Sorry about that Harry. Now
where was I, oh yes, failure to comply with this document shall result
in...." The Queen trails off and lets Harrison read the rest. His jaw
drops.
"You can't be serious."
"Oh I am."
"Dammit."
"Now you have two choices: either blow her to oblivion and suffer the
consequences, or, you can release her and save yourself the trouble."
"Oh, all right." Harrison turns off the bomb with a remote, and then
turns off the stasis field. The Queen stands up, and parts.
"Remember you two, I'm watching." Michael smiles at Harrison, who
camly smiles back.
"What does the rest of that contract say? What's the penalty?" begs
Amelia. Both Michael and Harrison answer, "You DON'T want to know."
*****
Harrison sighs, then turns to the audience. "Now, some of you may be
wondering how I could deactivate that bomb when I quite clearly stated
earlier that NOTHING could penetrate the stasis field. There's a quite
simple solution. I noticed that Michael didn't seem to like to rely on
coincidence or luck to save him, so I didn't think the possibility that the
bomb was defective would occur to him. Nevertheless, the bomb was defective.
And why? Because I, as a narrator, said it was. Michael could have done the
same thing and avoided involving the Queen and those lawyers (who, since the
bomb was a dud and Firia was in no danger, had NO REASON to come and
THREATEN me like that) but he just doesn't think like that."
Now that the Queen had left, Michael goes back to doing his DBZ
charge-up. "Not only do you assult my wife..." he growls. "You insult my
writing..."
He flings his massive fireball at Harrison, who just grins as it hits
him. When the smoke clears, all that is left is a charred skeleton standing
in a crater.
Michael relaxes. "I guess that's the end of it."
"Not by a long shot," says the skeleton, as it starts to bubble and
swell. Within moments, Harrison stands, re-formed. (As opposed to
'reformed', which would imply that he'd stop bothering our heros.)
Harrison grins. (He does that a lot, doesn't he? Well, he's a pretty
calm guy in real life. He doesn't often get a chance to cut loose like this,
and boy is he enjoying it) "Allow me to show you my ultimate weapon." He
digs in his backpack and, cartoon-like, pulls out a wooden staff as tall as
he is. It's an ordinary, polished wooden staff with a curly knob on the end.
"This," he says, "is the Staff of Moses.
"Perhaps you've heard the story that, when it came time for Moses to
die, the Angel of Death made a personal appearence, out of respect for the
old prophet. When Death tried to take Moses's soul, Moses beat the bastard
down so hard that the Grim Reaper went blind. This is the staff that he did
it with. It is imbued with his rage and his invincible will to live. You
cannot defeat the one who holds it, and you can never best them in
hand-to-hand combat."
Harrison assumes a fighting stance. "Now, let's stop these silly
writer's tricks, and have at it!"
Michael laughs. "You must be joking."
Harrison nods. "Yup, I sure am."
Then, the ground, weakened by Michael's display of power, chooses that
moment to give way, dropping the entire village through and 500 feet down to
strike the ocean.
Harrison lands on his flying carpet, then remembers the Queen's
warning. "Don't worry, Your Majesty, I'll fix it when we're done." he
whispers. An unusually strong freak updraft from the antigrav plates catches
the Slayers cast and carries them safely to the edge of the hole. Michael is
not so lucky.
"Wait..." says Harrison. "Does Michael count as one of the characters
I'm not supposed to kill? God, I hope not." He pulls out his copy of the
contract and reads through it as Michael plummets towards the deep, blue
sea.
To be continued...