As it so often happened, this story started on the beach neighboring the castaways' huts. Everybody was lazily enjoying the warm sunshine, spread like lizards on the mats they wove with palm leaves, or on reclining chairs made of the same material plus branches. Seems like they had finally found a use for Xellos' constructing mania...Naga was enjoying her sunbath sprawled on her belly with her top off and every male eye (except Rezo's) constantly strayed in that vicinity. Amelia and Lina were both lying on the high-backed chairs, hands behind their head, sunglasses and wide smile on. Martina and Zangulus were, for a change, visible and decent, too busy trying to get a suntan to do anything else that might end up with strange untanned areas...Gourrigan and Rezo were sitting on mats in their swimsuits, playing some memory card game, and oddly (or not...), Rezo was winning easily. Sylph had put on a purple one-piece swimsuit, to the utter disappointment of the male cast and was having fun all by herself in the warm sea water, giggling at everything to achieve this perfect airhead effect she mastered so well. As for Zel, despite his inability to get a tan, the sun's light wasn't completely wasted on him...He put out an arm to touch gingerly his bare chest and yelled.

Zelgadis: "Guys! I think it's hot enough now!"

Lina & Gourrigan: "Alright!"

Lina, Gourrigan, Amelia and Naga (still boobs to the breeze) rushed over to Zel.

Lina: "Now is the time of truth. Stand back, everyone!"

With deliberate moves, she took out a small rounded egg swiped from a local bird's nest and cracked it open on one of Zel's most protruding rock chips, then she skillfully spread the inside on top of his belly. The egg began to sizzle, giving off an appetizing smell.

Lina, eyes filled with stars: "It worked...now we can cook food on him without worrying about finding firewood and building a stove when we're in the middle of our suntan session!"

Gourrigan, Amelia & Naga: "Great!"

Zelgadis sulked silently, offended at being used as a cooking utensil, but too hungry and lazy himself to protest.

Soon other eggs were put there to roast and they were all looking with large hungry eyes at the dripping meal. Zel was beginning to feel pretty uncomfortable being for once the center of attention, and having a topless Naga nearby never helped anyone.

Zelgadis: "Naga....please....can you put on your clothes or do you enjoy flashing everyone like that?"

Naga: "A-ha! I see you are not indifferent to my charms, dear little stone boy!"

Zelgadis: "No, I'm just worried one could detach itself and drop onto me, not only crushing me in the process, but also ruining everybody's meal..."

Lina gasped and yelled: "Naga put on your top this second!!"

Naga: "Fine, fine, Lina, but I know it's just because you are conscious this very incident will never happen to you, O-HOHOHOHOHO!"

It took all the strength of Gourrigan, Amelia and Zel's nearest hand to restrain Lina from going after Naga's jiggling figure and making ashes out of her.

Suddenly, from somewhere to their left came a voice: "Calm down Lina, see the bright side, at least something like that will never happen to ruin your meal..."

All fighting stopped at the sound of the voice and they turned around to see FeatherFall comfortably resting on a long chair in a spot that was empty not 10 seconds ago. Her wings were drooping almost lifelessly in the sand at her feet, like giant hands trailing in the smooth watery surface of a lake. her tail was coiling and uncoiling itself under the chair, apparently trying to build a little sandcastle and, quite frankly, having no success whatsoever. She had traded her usual purple kimono for a white swimsuit decorated with delicate cherry blossoms and covered with japanese calligraphy. She even had sunglasses on and looked almost sexy.

Lina: "I WAS wondering who the next author was gonna be......we haven't had anything to do in weeks..."

FeatherFall: "Yeah, well, I was struck with a burst of inspiration while vacuuming the floor and just had to write it down."

Lina & Amelia, muttering: "And in the same vein take a little sunbath instead of finishing your chores, right?"

"Shut up..." FeatherFall muttered back.

Xellos: "Say, where's Valgarv? Shouldn't he be somewhere near where your hands are?"

FeatherFall: "Har-har. Get this, Val left me to play a cheerleader in a fanfic my friend wrote called Sailor Gaav."

Everybody: "S..."

Amelia: "Sailor Gaav?!"

Lina: "IdontwannaknowIdontwannaknow....."

FeatherFall: "I can't wait till he sees that the life of a Sailor Senshi isn't all it's cracked up to be..."

Amelia, recalling her short-lived career as Sailor Justice, shuddered: "Yeah, you can say that again..."

Lina, eager to change the subject and take the extremely unpleasant idea of Gaav in a Sailor fuku out of her mind, snapped impatiently: "So, what is the plot this time? Nothing really happened so far, did it? Can it stay that way for a while longer? We were about to eat, you see, and we've grown pretty used to not doing anything..."

FeatherFall: "I suggest you eat those eggs now, Lina, before a) they burn, b) something happens."

Lina didn't need to be told twice and gobbled down everything on Zel's belly, including the eggs that were supposed to be for the others...

Lina: "Ok, now what?"

Suddenly, something happened.

Lina: "Whew, just in time!"

Then a minute passed, then another, then another....

Lina: "Uhm, Feather?"

FeatherFall, sleepily: "Hmmwhat?"

Lina: "Something just happened. What is it? You're the author, it's your job to make this story interesting!"

FeatherFall: "Sorry, sorry, ok, let's say that, uhmmm....a giant golem in the shape of David Moo appeared on the northern side of the island and is currently thrashing stuff there."

Everyone turned around to see the said golem appear and goose-step around roaring unconvincingly.

Gourrigan: "Uhm...I hate to ask this but...Who is David Moo?"

FeatherFall growled: "Xellos's dub voice..."

Xellos, cringing and shuddering: "Oh yeah...HIM...."

Lina: "Ok, so now that the plot twist happened, time to do something about it!"

Rezo, who had opted for the horizontal position after his easy victory: "I move that we don't do a thing at all and go on with the suntan thing."

Lina: "You would, you and your carebears swimming trunks!"

Rezo jolted upright: "Carebears?? Oh crud.....I was certain I'd put on the Teletubbies one....I'll get you for this, Xellos!"

Xellos: "Actually, I didn't do it this time, but if you recall, you're blind."

Rezo: "I don't get your point..."

Xellos, sighing: "Nevermind, just sleep over there while we get rid of this golem."

Lina: "That shouldn't be too long, just one Dragon Slave and it's gonna be back its original model kit state."

Gourrigan, raised an eyebrow in surprise and stared at the golem again: "How do you know it's a model kit?"

Lina, in her most teacherly voice: "Easy, three clues: one, that thing over there *she pointed to the indignant FeatherFall* seems to buy everything in pieces first..."

FeatherFall emitted a forced chuckle and tried to hide her wings and tail as best as possible from those who didn't know the story yet.

Lina: "Second, you can see glue sticking out all over the seams."

FeatherFall tried to hide herself behind the chair.

Lina: "Third, if you'll look to your right, some 30 feet from here is a giant model kit box with the instructions sticking out from the half-open lid, a box on which is clearly written "Do-it-yourself David Moo Golem! For children 7 and up."

Everyone turned around to stare at the author, curled up at the bottom of a deep hole she had dug for herself a few seconds earlier.

Naga burst out in a rock-splitting cackle: "O-HOHOHOHO! Now that has to be the cheapest author we've ever had!"

FeatherFall, muttering: "Shut up, you guys have cable and a whole island to laze about and I'm just a miserably poor and unemployed university student..."

Amelia, tearing up: "Oh, how dreadful! Miss Lina, we have to do something!"

Lina: "Yes we have, but about that golem!"

FeatherFall suddenly had an idea and crawled out of her hole, grinning.

FeatherFall: "I must tell you this first, this golem is made of pure orihalcon and will resist all shamanist and black magic spells, hahaha! See, I can still do fearsome creatures out of cheap stuff!"

All groaned dejectedly.

Xellos: "Where is that useless dragon maiden when you need her?"

FeatherFall: "Hey! I'm right here, you gimp! And I resent being called useless!"

Xellos backed off quickly recalling the last time she roasted him for insulting her: "I was talking about Filia, I swear!"

FeatherFall, somewhat placated: "Oh. In that case I don't know...she flew away when she learned Michael the Red Priest was only 15 and hasn't been back since..."

Gourrigan: "For all we know she's probably with Valgarv at the moment, hehe, she's always had a thing for-OW!"

He didn't finish as both FeatherFall and Xellos bapped him over the head at the same time.

"No she's not" they said in unison.

Sylphiel, finally noticing the huge golem doing little constructions with the trees he uprooted on the north side of the island came to stand next to Gourrigan and do one of her typical lines.

Sylph: "Ohh! It's so cute and doing cute stuff! Can we keep him as a pet?"

FeatherFall smiled contentedly: "You're doing a great job living up to your reputation, Sylph, keep up the good work!"

Sylph just blushed and giggled.

Lina was growing grey hairs and doing a full-body twitch: "Can we seriously discuss about what to do with a giant David Moo golem building little treehouses on the other side of the island??"

Gourrigan: "I say we leave him be, we could use the treehouses after he's done and do treehouses wars!"

*silence* *pummel wallop bang*

Lina: "Anyone else has a similar idea?"

Sylph blushed self-consciously and dropped back a step.

Amelia: "Don't worry Miss Lina! We've been able to beat huge spell-resistant golems before! Just watch!"

She took a deep breath, ran to the large cardboard box, climbed on the lid and struck a pose.

Amelia: "This is a job for--!"

Voice: "SAILOR GAAV!"

All: "Huh?"

A spotlight suddenly lit itself somewhere in the surroundings, shining brightly on a platform (made of several cardboard boxes stacked and taped on top of another). On a background of fanfare, a huge, giant of a man was standing there posing proudly, blue pleated skirt flapping in the wind over big hairy legs, long red hair whipping its large marron ribbon about. On his right was standing a small black-haired kid in pink sailor fuku, brandishing threateningly his small wand in front of him, and at the bottom of the platform, waving a long purple "Gaav-sama Banzai!" banner was Valgarv, in schoolboy outfit.

Amelia stopped in mid-speech and glared in pure horror at the newcomers who had stolen her spotlight and her job. Pretty much everyone else was blueish green.

Lina: "I SAID I didn't want to know about it!!"

Gaav chuckled smugly, then let out a booming: "It is I! Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Gaav! And nevermind about bishoujo being for girls only, it's my title and I stick by it!"

Then the kid in pink shouted in his small feminine voice: "And I am Sailor Chibi Hellmaster!"

Then Gaav added in an undertone: "You can stop the fanfare now, Feather, I've already appeared."

All turned to the dragon maiden in time to see her spirit away a small tape recorder, from where the tinny sounding music was coming.

Lina: "Cheap as always..."

FeatherFall, unenthusiastically: "Go get 'im Sailor Gaav, we're all counting on you..."

Gaav: "Very well!"

He dropped heavily to the floor, his skirt momentarily revealing his undies. There, he struck another pose, failing to notice all the males including Xellos were writhing on the sand, throwing up everything they'd eaten during the past week thanks to that little unintentional moon. Lina herself was clinging to an equally nauseous Sylph, begging her sister to come kill her and save her from her misery. Then, unexpectedly, Naga clasped her hands and took a few steps forward.

Naga: "My hero! Such a dreamy figure! Nothing else would be more worthy of me!"

Gaav grinned and posed some more.

Naga: "Please, let me be your faithful fan!"

More retching ensued. Amelia and Martina had fainted dead away. Zangulus was feeling quite faint himself. Lina muttered something about Gaav being just tasteless enough to be perfect for Naga.

Suddenly, the Queen of Swords strolled in, this week's script rolled and held tightly in her right hand. Without even looking at the sailor suited monstrosity, she strided right over to the cowering FeatherFall and whacked her soundly with the script.

QOS: "Bad FeatherFall! How dare you bring people from another fanfic into my series and have them wreak such havoc onto my cast? It'll take me weeks to bring them back to health! You probably scarred them for life with that hairy horror!"

FeatherFall: "Eep! Sorrysorrysorry! *playing with her indexes* I just thought that since they were Slayers characters they could just make a teensy little cameo here to liven things up and help beat the David Moo golem..."

QOS: "...Who is currently sleeping blissfully and being no threat whatsoever if anything more than a mere annoyance."

FeatherFall quickly jumped on that idea: "But an annoyance nonetheless! Think of what David Moo did to Xellos! Of all the poor Xellos fans who have no choice but to hear that dreadful dub voice and of all those who never had the chance to hear his splendid japanese voice and will grow to hate him because of that! We can't let that go unpunished!"

Xellos, moaning on the ground: "I second that."

QOS gave him a pitying look.

QOS: "Catch me by my feelings why don't you...Anyway, do we need those 3 freaks to do it?"

Gaav merely snorted in an affected manner, Phibrizo squeaked in outrage and Val glowered at the Queen, not daring to do anything more.

"Oh, most definitely!" FeatherFall replied glibly.

Queen sighed and rolled her eyes: "Alright, but hurry up so we can get rid of them. All that leg hair is gonna make me go blind!"

Gaav erupted in booming laughter: "HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Naga, eyes wide with unlimited admiration flung herself on him and joined in with one of her best cackles until the only persons left conscious on the island were the Queen, FeatherFall, Lina and Gaav's little group and leech.

Queen, took her fingers out of her ears with a *pop*

"Get rid of that golem now or I'll make a yaoi out of you and Phibrizo!" she yelled venomously at Gaav.

Gaav, still grinning broadly: "So?"

Lina happily gave up consciousness.

FeatherFall, ruefully: "Here goes another one..."

Some 15 minutes later, the Queen, Feather, Gaav and his sidekicks were standing before the softly snoring David Moo golem.  Naga had been told to stay on the beach and try to find how they put the caramel inside the caramilk and that this was of crucial importance to their mission.

Gaav, taking a deep breath: "Forcing thousands of people to listen to an inferior version of Xellos, how twisted and fiendish! For ruining a great character, in the name of Ruby-Eye-sama, I will punish you!"

The golem stirred and opened a confused eye.

Golem: "Hmmmgoway....*snore*"

Gaav: "It...talked..."

FeatherFall & QOS, hands on their ears: "We noticed! Hurry!"

Gaav: "Alrighty then! Face my Fist of Justice! GAAV FLARE!!"

A humongous red ball of fire shot forth from his gauntlet-covered hands and crashed onto the sleeping form...not even scratching it...

QOS, grabbed Feather by the scruff of her neck and brandished the rolled Script of Doom above her head, smiling in a most evil and fanged way: "I thought you said they were needed to defeat that giant golem?!"

FeatherFall, sweating profusely: "Dahaha, I forgot I said this golem was resistant to black and shamanist magic, whoops...."

*whack whack whack*

FeatherFall: "Ow! Don't worry Queenie I--ow!--I'm sure we'll think of--ouch!--something to get rid of him before he--yow! that hurt!--makes us all go deaf and crazy!"

Oblivious to the whacking session going on, Gaav was firing Gaav Flare after Gaav Flare at the slightly amused golem, with the same (lack of) result.

Gaav: "Don't worry guys, it'll be vanquished in a short while, I can feel it slowly yielding to my attacks!"

Phibrizo: "I'll help too! Pink Sugar Laguna Blast!"

A pink stream of sugar shot forth towards the now-sitting golem. Between two yawns, he somehow found a way to conjure up a cup of coffee and let the sugar pour in it gratefully, muttering something about the coffee being too bitter anyway.

Valgarv: "Oh no! He is resisting all of our attacks! What will you do, Sailor Gaav, against such a powerful opponent?"

Gaav: "Uhm, let's see...Tuxedo Dynast?"

A tall man with short brown hair and almond-shaped eyes appeared from out of nowhere and stood casually in the shade of the nearby trees, while some exotic string music started playing.

QOS, confiscating FeatherFall's tape recorder: "Hey! I'm scolding you here!"

FeatherFall, meekly: "I know, but it's my job to make sure characters have an impressive entrance..."

Gaav: "Tuxedo Dynast-sama! I'm sort of stuck, what do I do?"

Dynast: "How should I know? You're the superhero, I'm only there to create diversions, you know...All I can do is throw Dynast Brases..."

Gaav: "Well, that's a lot already, why don't you try one?"

Dynast: "You didn't hear what the feathered goof over there said? This golem will resist all black and shamanism magic attacks. A Dynast Bras is black magic, in case you forgot."

Gaav: "Right right, sorry, got any white magic spells then?"

Dynast looked a him in a most funny way: "I'm one of the five Mazoku lords under Shabranigdo, do you really think I know white magic spells?"

Gaav: "Ok, silly question, ok, I'll try to find something to do, just keep the golem under control in the meantime."

But the golem was doing a good job keeping itself under control anyway, leisurely sipping its coffee.

QOS: "Damn those useless fools! Guess I'll have to do everything by myself again!"

The Queen suddenly pulled on a string that appeared next to her, sending a shower of cold water straight on the golem.

Golem: "Gah! You ruined my coffee!"

QOS, snickering: "I ruined a lot more that than..."

FeatherFall looked at the golem, uncomprehending; and then she saw that the golem was starting to come apart at the seams and dropping bits everywhere.

FeatherFall and the others: "What in the name of L-sama/Ruby-Eye-sama...?"

The golem barely had the time to let out a last "Curses! Foiled again!" before quickly falling into pieces on the forest ground.

QOS gave FeatherFall a pat on the back that nearly sent her sprawling head first.

QOS: "Good thing you used cheap glue too, eh?"

FeatherFall, red as a beet: "Uhm, yeahhh...."

And this is how the terror of the Dub Golem came to an end. But the story wasn't ended yet...

It had to end with a sumptuous banquet in order to make Lina regain consciousness and to prevent everyone from retaining psychological scars. Even Gaav was forced into wearing his usual trenchcoat by a Queen of Swords armed with a deadly Script of Doom and knowing how to use it. Phibrizo was wearing the same schoolboy uniform as Valgarv and sitting next to Gaav, looking as usual angelic and innocent. FeatherFall was sitting next to Val and chatting idly with him.

FeatherFall: "So, enjoying your new job?"

Valgarv: "Yeah, this way I get to show my devotion to Gaav-sama without having to wear one of those horrid suits.  Are you sure you don't want to tag along? I could use some help with the soprano part of Gaav-sama's theme song..."

FeatherFall stared at him in silence for a moment, trying to see if he was joking or not, and decided with some uneasiness he wasn't.

FeatherFall: "I'll see about it...I enjoy this island a lot...warm sunshine, beaches, hot springs, the sea, bishounen..."

"Especially bishounen, I bet?" Val shot back.

FeatherFall: "Well, yeah, hehe.."

After the dinner was over, Gaav got up as if to make a speech.

Gaav: "Now my friends I must leave you in search of other wrongs to right, but fear not, I shall be be back at the slightest hint of trouble!"

QOS: "Don't you threaten me! And don't forget to take those suits with you on the way out..."

Gaav: "I wouldn't dream of forgetting them! Come, my faithful sidekicks, time for us to get on the road again!"

FeatherFall, seized with sudden inspiration, jumped after them: "I'll come too! *she glances briefly at the Queen's still sour face* I think it will be healthier for me to go fight for justice and sing the praises of an egotistical hairy okama lumberjack than staying here where the hand of the Queen can still reach....so, see ya!"

And in a puff of smoke they were gone.

QOS: "Now see kids, this is what will happen in the future when you piss me off, I will force you to go follow Sailor Gaav around and sing his anthem."

Everybody sing along now! "Sailor Gaav, Sailor Gaav, he's the best in the world Sailor Gaav, where there's crime, he fights it, he's 300 pounds of beefy sh*t, oh yeah, here comes the Sailor Gaav, watch out for Sailor Gaav, he's your hero he's Gaav! *high pitched voice: Gaaaaav!"

Author's notes: Sailor Gaav and all its wacky characters and attacks was invented by my friend Chrissy, who really knows how to make a sick fanfic, hehe...just kidding...Okama Lumberjack is my buddy Frank's nickname for Gaav from Monty Python's Lumberjack song and everybody's favorite okama, Nuriko. The "a minute passed" bit is also from Monty Python, but I'm sure you recognized that already. And to David Moo, before you sue my tail off, three words: good-natured humor ^_^