SLAYERS 3:16!!!
by Fionavar al Dara
Well, it's another typical day on the Island. Well, almost. It just happens to be 45 degrees celsius, and it's damn hot! And to make matters worse, Micheal the Red Priest is still on the island and that elf Aleyann is poking around out in the jungle somewhere.
Amelia: I'm so hot!
Xellos: That's nice, princess.
Zangulus: Why don't you go swimming or something?
Martina: Or something sounds like a lovely idea, darling. Let's go.
The Swordsman and the Tramp jump up and dash into the jungle.
Amelia: Gross.
Xellos: Hmmm...
The Red Priest comes out of the guy's hut. Despite the heat he's in full attire, heavy red robe and all.
Amelia: God! How can you stand to be wearing that in this heat?
Rezo: Heat? Is it hot out?
The Trickster throws a coconut at the Red Priest.
Rezo: What the hell was that for?
The Trickster shrugs.
Xellos: Just being my typical self.
The Red Priest sticks his tongue out at the Trickster in an imature manner.
Xellos: Put that tongue back in your mouth unless you intend to use it.
Amelia: These guys are scaring me.
The Sorceress, the Gold Dragon, and the Priestess come into the village, wearing their swimsuits and carrying towels.
Lina: Damn! Who'd have guessed that on the hottest day of the year the damn beach would be covered in STINGING JELLYFISH!!!
Filia: I'll bet Naga had something to do with that...
Sylphiel: Probably.
From the beach comes a hideous cackle.
Naga: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! My jellyfish friends have come at last!
The Sorceress, the Gold Dragon, and Priestess facefault.
Sylphiel: If it wasn't so gosh darn hot I'd hurt her. Sigh.
Lina: I'm with you.
Filia: Me too. Sigh. Let's go find some shade.
The Gold Dragon heads for the jungle.
Lina: Good idea. You coming Amelia?
Amelia: What? No. I'll stay here with the rat and the Mazuko. The Sorceress shrugs.
Lina: Your funeral.
Xelos: I thought you said we were scaring you.
Amelia: The thought of Zangulus and Martina out there in that jungle somewhere is enough to keep me here, thank you very much.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island...
Gourrigan: Hmmm. About time for something unsual to happen.
The Jellyfish Brain's prophecy comes true. There is a brilliant flash of light, and suddenly, standing in front of him, is a pretty chic, dressed all in red and holding a big scythe, who looks a lot like Lina. Only better endowed.
Chic: Where is she!?
Gourrigan: Um, who?
Chic: Xelas Mettalium!
Gourrigan: Xelas Mettalium? That name sounds sort of familiar...I bet Lina would know who Xelas Mettalium is.
Chic: Lina? Lina Inverse!?
Gourrigan: Uh, yeah.
Chic: Where is she?
Gourrigan: In the village?
Chic: Where is this village?
Gourrigan: I'll show you. By the way, who are you!?
Chic: What? Oh sorry. I'm Luna.
Gourrigan: Nice to meet you, Luna. I'm Gourrigan.
Back at the village...
Rezo: I'm freezing.
The Red Priest shivers.
Rezo: Brrr.
Xellos: Rezo?
Rezo: Umm?
WHACK! The Trickster hits the Red Priest with a stick.
Rezo: What the hell was that for!?
Another shrug from the Trickster.
Xellos: Amelia?
Amelia: Umm?
Xellos: Would you pick up that cocconut for me?
The Princess smiles very sweetly.
Amelia: No, Xellos. I will not.
Xellos: And why is that, princess?
Amelia: Because you are a lazy piece of Mazoku garbage and I wouldn't pick anything up for you if you were the last person...er...Mazoku on the planet! I would rather kill Zelgadis then do anything nice for you. Or have you already forgotten the incidents from 'Zelgadis on the Road'?
The Trickster holds his hands up defensively.
Xellos: Okay! Don't bite my head off! How about if I say please?
Amelia: Pick up your own coconut!
Suddenly, a cigarette smoking chic appears in the middle of the village. The Trickster falls down on his knees.
Xellos: Mistress!
Chic: Be quiet, Xellos!
Xellos: Yes, Mistress.
Amelia: Eep! Now we've got two Mazoku! God help us!
The Author appears in the middle of the throng, wearing a form fitting wet suit, courtesy of Daniel Snyder. She smiles sweetly.
Fio: You called? Xellos, I think you're loyalties are conflicting here. I thought Queenie was your mistress.
Xellos: Ex-nay on the Eeenie-quay, ay-o-kay?
The Author suddenly disappears. The Beast Master whacks the Trickster over the head.
Xelas: What's this?
The Trickster pulls out a keyboard and types / ignore Xelas.
Xellos: Thank you so much for teaching me how to do that, Aleyann.
Xelas: I asked you a question, Xellos!
Amelia: Uh, Xellos?
Xellos: Yeah?
Amelia: Xelas is talking to you.
Xellos: Xelas who?
The Trickster stuffs his hands in his pockets and whistles innocently. The Beast Master hits him again. He ignores her.
Xelas: I think I need to have a talk with this Aleyann person.
The Elf comes out of the jungle, pulling a traumatized Sorceress, Priestess, and Gold Dragon Maiden.
Aleyann: Someone call me? (He takes a good look at Xelas) You're an ugly one, aren't you...
Xelas: WHAT!? You are SO dead!
Aleyann: Eeep.
The Beast Master is about to blast the Elf with a nasty and deadly spell when the Author reappears with two anime characters, one a smallish blonde chic dressed in red hot pants, and the other a tall, brown haired man in a high collared blue button-up-the-front coat. Both are carrying laser weapons. The chic fires a blast at a rock to prove the weapon's affectiveness. The rock explodes.
Xelas: What the hell?
Fio: You seem to have violated your script contract, Mis Metalium. My friends are here to fix that. Xelas, I'd like to meet Naomi Armitage and Ross Sylibus.
Armitage: The pleasure's all mine. And don't try to charge me for that rock!
The Author groans. The Elf breathes a sigh of relief.
Aleyann: I thought I was a goner for a second.
Ross: Don't give up that line of thinking yet. Here comes some more trouble.
Sylibus points down the beach at two figures, one a tall looking Jellyfish Brain, the other a shorter purple haired chic.
Lina: Luna!
Fionavar: Aw crap! I forgot about her!
The Cephied Knight comes tearing into the village.
Xelas: Hey! You didn't tell me about her! I'm out of here!
Luna: I don't think so, Mettalium! Time to die! Fireball!
Xelas: Eeep.
The Beast Master gets fried, but that merely fuels her anger more.
Xelas: You are SO dead! Garv Flare!
The Cephied Knight gets fried too.
Luna: Hey! You destroyed my hairdo! I payed twelve bucks for that! You go'n die, bitch!
The Author steps in.
Fionavar: Whoa, watch the language, Luna.
The Cephied Knight bitchslaps the Author.
Luna: You watch that, elf.
The Cephied Knight continues to slap the Author around. Beast Master joins in, and so do the Trickster and the Elf.
Armitage: ENOUGH!
The posse of bitch slappers stop and look at her.
Armitage: The next person to make a sound is going to get it!
The Chimera comes out of the guy's hut.
Zel: What's all the racket?
Armitage: That's it!
Armitage shoots the Chimera with her gun. The Chimera looks up to the sky, muttering.
Zelgadis: Saw that one coming.
The Chimera falls to the ground. The Princess runs to him and checks for a pulse.
Amelia: Oh my God! You killed Zelgadis!
Filia: You bastard!
Micheal the Red Priest peeks out of his and the Gold Dragon's hut.
Micheal: Would you people shut up!? I'm trying to get some sleep here!
Micheal gets blasted by Armitage as well.
Filia: Okay, now it's personal!
The Gold Dragon morphs into dragon form and bites Armitage's head off.
Ross: Hey!
He blasts Filia. This starts a general riot, with Lina, Luna, Aleyann, Amelia, and Gourrigan paired off against Xelas, Xellos, Rezo, Naga, and Ross. They start out with some name calling, then some remarks about parental lineage, and then the sitaution dissolves entirely. Sylphiel stands off to one side with Fionavar, and together they watch the carnage.
Sylphiel: Miss Fionavar?
Fio: Uhm?
Sylphiel: The Queen of Swords is going to be mad.
The Author shrugs.
Fio: She's been mad at me before.
Suddenly, Queenie herself appears in the middle of the riot. She's got the L-Sama thing going, and she's surrounded by a nimbus of glowing white light.
QOS: Okay, this time you go to far, al'Dara! Why is it that every time you come back to guest write, my island ends up in chaos!?
Fio: It seems to happen with everyone else too, Queenie.
QOS: Don't call me Queenie!
Fio: Whoa! Somebody's got PMS!
The Queen bitchslaps Fio. This time, everyone joins in.
Many slappings (and numerous bruises to Fionavar) later, the Queen sits on the beach with everyone. Sylphiel was kind enough to heal everyone who got spellblasted, or bitten in Armitage's case, and then ordered Mexican take-out from Bluefox's new Titanic 2 mini-mall. Bluefox was also kind enough to bring a dozen cases of Corona and that funky fruit slurpee machine.
Queen: Pass those enchiladas down here, would ya' Xelas?
Xelas: Sure. Xellos?
The Trickster grumbles in his waiter outfit but carries the platter to the Queen anyway.
Lina: This is the life.
The Sorceress laughs. Fionavar is tied by her heels to a palm tree with a thick piece of bungee cord while Bluefox, Aleyann, and Michael the Red Priest beat on her with a stick.
Fionavar: For the last time! I'm not a pinata!
The Queen sits back and laughs.
QOS: Just another perfect ending.
Entire cast, singing: Here on Gourrigan's Isle!
The End