It's A Secret
by Bluefox

QOS's Office

Bluefox: I would like your permission to take my vacation on your island.

The business world can get so tiresome.

QOS: Speaking of business, I still have not been compensated for Firia's wedding ring.

Bluefox: Well, aaahh, how about we make a deal?

QOS: What kind of deal?

Bluefox: How about I give you this Xellos plushie and we call it even?

QOS: I've already got one. ( she pulls out her Xellos plushie and gives it a squeeze )

Bluefox: But not like this one. ( he pokes the plushie )

Xellos Plushy: "Now that is a secret"

QOS: Oh, for cute! Gimmee. ( she squeezes both plushies ) "Now that is a secret"

Bluefox: So, do we have a deal?

QOS: Tell you what, write the next episode while you're here and you've got a deal.

Bluefox: Done.

*****

LATER THAT DAY ON THE BEACH

Xellos: Why do I have to gather coconuts, I wasn't the one who wanted those stupid coconut bars. Amelia should be out here.

He spots an umbrella sticking out of the sand next to a fold out chair.

Xellos (very sarcastically): Well, well, well. And who do we have here? Yet another visitor to our primitive island, who will inevitably lead us into another wacky adventure?

Bluefox: Nah, I'm just on vacation.

Xellos: Good. One more wacky adventure and I'm gonna sick up.

PAK!

Xellos jumps back from a small explosion at his feet

Xellos: What was that?

Bluefox: It's a mini-PAK. My own design. It's a marble sized firecracker.

Xellos: Explosives, may I have a look at those?

Bluefox: Here you go. (hands the bag to Xellos) Knock yourself out.

Xellos: This is going to be fun.

Bluefox: And just what are you planning to do with those?

Xellos: Now that is a secret. (Xellos teleports away)

Bluefox (with a mischievous grin): We'll see about that.

MEANWHILE

It is a warm, slightly cloudy day with a 70% chance of chaos.All of the girls are gathered around a table sipping at coconut tea. They are also all wearing clothing covered in bows.

Lina: This is stupid.

Amelia: C'mon Lina, don't ruin my tea party. If only Xellos would get here with those bars.

Lina: OK OK, but these bows look ridiculous.

Naga (who has apparently traded her costume in for a few well placed black bows): That's just because you don't know how to wear them. Someday your fashion sense will develop past that drab outfit of yours.

Lina: And start dressing like you? Sure, and then I'll just stick the sun in a little bottle while I'm at it. Not Likely.

Amelia: Sorry Lina, I just wanted it to seem authentic.

Voice from the shrubs: Hey Lina, is this your new look? It's definitely you.

Lina: That's it! FIREBALL

The bushes turn to ash revealing Rezo and Zelgadis.

Rezo: aaaaahh, he double-dared me to say it. Pay up Zelgadis, that's one funky fruit you owe me.

Zelgadis: No way. You told, the deal's off.

Rezo: Now that makes a grandfather/great grandfather proud, just to know that his offspring can weasel with the best of them.

Zelgadis: Uhh, maybe we should run.

Rezo: Right. (they dash into the foliage)

Lina: FLARE ARROW Yeah, and don't break a leg on the way out...grumble,grumble.....

Sylphiel: Lina, that wasn't very nice. What if you broke your leg?

Lina: And just how would I do that?

Martina: Well, your chair could break and trap your leg underneath it.

Lina (bouncing on her chair): No way. This chair is as sturdy as a....

KRACK

The chair breaks and traps Lina's leg underneath it.

Lina: Owww, It hurts.

Martina: I told you it could hap...

Lina: You did this, didn't you? You maniacal little...

Martina: No. No. It wasn't me, I swear. Please don't hurt me.

Amelia (examining Lina's leg): I think it's broken. (she pokes Lina's leg)

Lina: Ooowwww. (through clenched teeth) If it's broken, then why did you poke it?

Amelia: Just to make sure.

Lina: great, could this day get any worse?

Firia: Well, I suppose it could be raining.

Lightening flashes across the sky, clouds gather and it starts to rain.

Lina: Crap, when it rains, it pours.

The rain thickens to a downpour.

Lina: Just what the hell is going on here?!?

Just then Xellos appears with a tray of coconut bars.

Xellos: Here are the bars you wanted Amelia.

Firia: you let HIM cook the bars.

Amelia: Surprisingly enough, he makes good coconut bars.

Firia: He probably put Ex-lax in them or something.

Xellos: I would never do anything like that. I only put mini firecrackers in them.

Amelia: You WHAT!?!

Xellos: Oh dear, did I just say that?

Girls: Yeah.

Xellos: NNNnnnooooooo!!!!!!! (this is done in one of those funky shots where the camera zooms out in a spiral around the person until he is just a little dot in the middle. Then it snaps back in) That was supposed to be a secret. No, no, no, no, no, I didn't just tell a secret, no, I couldn't. ( he drops to his knees, sobbing )

On the beach, Bluefox looks up from his laptop and giggles.

*****

SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST

Zelgadis and Rezo come out of the foliage with splints on their left legs.

Zelgadis: What are the chances that we'd both trip and break a leg in the same episode? I mean, I can see how you could do it, running through the forest blind and all, but my skin is made from stone.

Rezo: There does seem to be a strange power exerting itself on events today.

Zelgadis: Do you think, ...maybe...

Rezo: Oh no, not another guest writer!

Zelgadis and Rezo, in unison: AAAAaaaahhhh!!!!

-dramatic pause-

Zelgadis: Um, Rezo?

Rezo: Yeah?

Zelgadis: Why did we just scream?

Rezo: For dramatic effect, of course.

Zelgadis: oh.

-more silence-

Zelgadis: Um, Rezo?

Rezo: What now?

Zelgadis: You're a priest, right?

Rezo: Yeah.

Zelgadis: Then why are we walking in splints when you could heal us with your magic?

Rezo: That's a very good question.

They limp back to their huts.

*****

BACK AT THE HUTS

GONG GONG GONG

Zangulus: Can I have my sword back, Lina?

Lina: In a minute.

She continues to bang the sword on a big cooking kettle.

GONG GONG GONG

Zangulus: Hey! Stop that!

Gourri runs in wearing a fireman's outfit and carrying a bucket of water. He then throws the bucket onto the fire that Lina was using to roast their supper.

Lina: What are you doing?!?

Gourri: Gourrigan's Island volunteer fire department. Don't worry ma'am, the fire's out.

Lina grabs his coat and pulls him down to her height.

Lina: You're just lucky that coconuts aren't ruined by water.

She pushes him over.

Lina: Gather around everyone. Something weird is going on.

Rezo: We know. I think it's another guest writer.

Everyone: AAAAaaaahhhh!!!!

Zelgadis: Now that's out of the way, has anyone seen anybody weird on the island?

Rezo: Michael, are you writing again?

Michael: It's not me. Hey! Why are you all glaring at me? C'mon! This isn't funny!

A short while later, Michael is bound head to foot in ropes.

Firia: Please let him go Lina.

Lina: There, now that that's done...

Xellos starts sobbing.

Zelgadis: What's his problem?

Amelia: He told one of his secrets.

Everyone starts to giggle.

Xellos: If only someone would get me off this stupid island...

Xellos' body goes transparent and glitters like a golden snow globe. Then he is gone.

Rezo: Whatever was going on before is still going on.

Firia: I told you it wasn't Michael.

Lina: Then who? Gourri have you seen... Gourri?

Zangulus and Gourri are knelt over a small plastic boxing arena, rapidly pushing buttons. On the arena, two plastic robots are taking jabs at one another.

Zangulus: I've got you this time, Gourri, you can't avoid my...

Gourri's robot lands a blow to the chin of Zangulus' robot and it's plastic head bounces up.

Zangulus: Oh, crap! I'll get you next time!

Gourri: Why don't you just give up?

Lina (shouting): Hey! Either of you two hormone infestations seen anybody odd on the island?

Gourri: No Lina. Hey, you wanna go get some ice cream?

Lina: And just where would... Oh, never mind.

*****

MEANWHILE ABOARD THE ENTERPRISE

Scotty: Captain, the transporter beams just activated all by themselves.

Kirk: Don't worry, Scotty, I've got my favorite phaser.

Scotty: Ya doona mean...

Kirk: That's right, Scotty, 'Ole Bessy.' She hasn't let me down, yet.

Xellos appears on the transporter pad.

Dr. McCoy: It's energy readings are off the scale.

Spock: Captain, I don't think it's human.

Xellos: Boy, you guys are sharp.

Kirk: Why did you board our ship?

Xellos: I'm really not sure, but as long as I'm here, I might as well promote some chaos.

Kirk (pointing 'Ole Bessy'): There will be no chaos on my ship.

Xellos: Well this should be interesting. Here's a little trick I learned from my friend in black.

He holds out his hand and 'Ole Bessy' floats over to Xellos. He aims the phaser at ensign Kramer and pulls the trigger.

-ZAP-

Kramer turns a transparent blue, and dissolves.

Kirk: Damn! He's armed! Scotty, 'Ole Bessy' was set on "Kill." Get him off my ship!

Scotty: Aye, Captain.

Xellos is beamed back to the island.

Kirk: Damn! We didn't even send the away team down yet, and the Ensign is already dead.

Spock: I guess that's all for today's episode, unless we can find another ensign.

Kirk: I think that was the last one.

Spock: Well maybe we can recruit one.

*****

BACK AT THE VILLIAGE

Xellos beams back down on top of the table.

Zelgadis: And where did Mr. Happy here go, hmm?

Xellos sets 'Ole Bessy' on stun.

-ZAP-

Zelgadis slumps over into Amelia's lap.

Amelia: I've always dreamed of this, but he's starting to get heavy.

Lina: At least he didn't break your leg.

Amelia's chair collapses under the weight, and Amelia breaks her leg.

Amelia: You said that on purpose, didn't you Lina?

Lina: Hey, Xellos.

Xellos (again sarcastically): And what can I possably do for you, lina?

Lina: Have you seen anyone besides us on the island today?

Xellos: Only Bluefox, he's vacationing on the beach.

Rezo: You idiot, he's the one writing this episode.

Xellos: He is? Then he's the one who made me tell my secret.

Zelgadis: Let's go have a talk with our little canine friend, Eh?

*****

ON THE BEACH

As the day nears its end, the dusky horizon is lit with a yellow glow. Over the rise comes the entire cast of Gourrigan's Island. They are brandishing torches and they look pissed.

Lina: What the Hell do you think you're doing.

Bluefox: Taking my vacation, of course.

Lina: No, I mean with all of the broken legs and the odd weather and stuff.

Xellos: And my secret, you've psychologically scarred me for life.

Gourri: You're a Mazoku, right? How long do you live?

Xellos: Gourri?

Gourri: Yeah?

-ZAP-

Gourri falls unconscious as Xellos puts 'Ole Bessie' away.

Zelgadis: It seems you have some explaining to do.

Bluefox: I was just trying to teach Mr. secrets here, that it isn't possible to keep secrets from a guest writer.

Lina: What about the broken legs? Hmmmm?

Bluefox: That wasn't my doing.

Lina: Then who did it?

Bluefox: Just a second, I'll check my notes. Ah, here it is. It seems these incidents are all Rezo's fault.

Rezo: He's lying, I never...

Bluefox: Have you ever heard of a vocal actualizer?

Rezo: Yeah, I had one once, but it broke and started acting crazy.

Lina: So what did you do with it?

Rezo: I got rid of it. I sent it off to a small deserted Is..land..... Um, hehe, oops.

Zangulus: We have to find this thing before it starts raining, um let's say Victoria secret catalogs.

Overhead, a plane explodes and said catalogs start falling onto the beach.

Zelgadis: Way to go Zangulus! Too bad there couldn't have been a keg on that plane.

-Whump-

A keg embeds itself into the beach right next to Lina.

Lina: Man, this thing could be more dangerous than I thought. Bluefox, so where did this thing land?

Bluefox: It's in that tree up there

Lina: I'll get it down. Xellos, go get your trunk.

The men are all gathered around the keg ogling the magazines.

Lina: Firia, go get Xellos' trunk.

A short time passes.

Lina: Where is she?

Amelia: It's been a while, I hope she didn't hurt herself.

Firia (from just over the hill): OWW!!

Amelia: Um, sorry.

Firia limps back to the beach with the trunk. She glares at everyone and Martina points at Amelia. Firia nods and drops the trunk on Amelia's foot.

Firia: Here's the trunk, Lina.

Lina: Let's throw this thing in there then.

The actualizer disappears into the plot hole.

Lina: There, now there is just one more thing that needs fixing. Xellos.

Amelia: Yeah, believe it or not, I prefer the fruity Xellos to the whiny moping Xellos.

Bluefox: I may have a solution for that.

*****

-Scene change- Inside the men's hut everything has been pushed off to one side of the room. There is only a black leather sofa, a coffee table, and a chair in which sits Gourri with a big fake beard on his chin. Outside the door, Amelia is sitting in a chair, filing her nails.

Amelia: Xellos Matellium, the doctor will see you now.

Xellos: Is this really necessary?

Amelia: Your deposit is non-refundable.

Xellos: Damn.

Gourri: Cum in, cum in. Von't you have a zeet?

Xellos: Hey, wait. What's he doing in here?

The door slams behind him.

Gourri: I vill be your psychoanalyst for ze eveningt. No von vanted zu listen zu your problems, zo vee drew straws. Rezo helt up eleven ret straws, unt vun blue vun. I drew ze blue vun.

Xellos: Yours wasn't the last straw, was it?

Gourri: No, it vasn't. How dit zu know?

Xellos: That is a secret.

Gourri: Ahh, zere is a start. Zu fint out vhy you tolt your zecret, vee must first dizcover vhy you keep zees zecrets from ozers.

Zangulus (busting through the door): Gourri, I'm finally ready to defeat you! I challenge you to a dual!

Zangulus draws his sword.

Gourri: Excuse me, but I am vit a patient.

Zangulus: Huh?

Gourri: My zat iz a big zvord you have zere. It iz a compensatory device, unless I miss my guess. You should make an appointment vit my zecretary.

Amelia: I said, the doctor was busy!

She grabs Zangulus by the collar, and drags him from the "office."

Gourri: Now, vare vere vee?

Xellos: You wanted to know why I keep secrets.

Gourri: Oh, ves, vhy iz zat?

Xellos: Well it all started with my mother.

Gourri: It alvays does. Go on.

Xellos: She always believed she was a giant pineapple. She would even go so far as to dress the part. My father told me to keep this weirdness on my mother's part a secret. He told me never to tell anyone.

Gourri: But you told, didn't you?

Xellos: Yes, (sobbing) I told, but it was only my friend Talcum.

Gourri: Zo vut happent?

Xellos: Well, somehow word got afoot, and it spread like a bad case of toe fungus. The next day, at the Festival of the Wasted Priestess, the townsfolk used her to make the world's largest (he is now bawling) Pina... Pina Colada.

Gourri: I zee, zis explains everyzing.

Xellos: What? It does?!

Gourri: Yes, ze reason you act like you do, iz becuz you are a fruit, just like your mozer.

Xellos: Gourri, you're right! I really am a fruit! It's all so clear now. How can I ever thank you?

Gourri: Actually, paying your bill vill be zanks enough.

Xellos: Oh, by the way Gourri, where did you ever get that silly accent?

Gourri: Vut aczent?

Xellos: Aah, never mind.