The Candy Coated Zel and Amelia Files
Part Two: The Perfect Man
by Tya Heart

All's well in a universe smart enough to contain Zelgadis Greywers.

Zelgadiss walks up, dressed in a snazzy looking suit, smiles, pulls a hair from his head and uses it as......a toothpick.

Lina: (dripping with sarcasm) Lookin' sharp, Zelly boy.

Gourrigan: What?

Xellos: Hot date tonight?

Gourrigan: What!?

Zel: Yeah.

Xellos: Ah ha! Who?

Zel: Fionavar.

Lina: What!?

Gourrigan: Now I get it!

Rezo: Get what?

Xellos: That's a secret.

Rezo: Not this shit again.

Sylphiel: What, Gourrigan dear?

Gourrigan: This.

Gourrigan holds up a chinese finger trap. Both of his fingers are stuck inside.

Sylphiel: Come with me, Gourrigan dear. I'll help you.

They walk off. Amelia, too shocked to even cry by Zel's choice of date, stares at him blankly.

Amelia: Waah! I hate you, Zelgadis!

Lina: That elf chic? She's rancid, baby! Yeah.

Xellos: You are so baked.

Rezo: Even I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole.

Lina: You don't HAVE a ten foot pole, dumb ass.

Xellos sudenly has a realization.

Xellos: Hey! I thought I had an exclusive deal with that Fionavar chic.

Lina: Must not be as exclusive as you thought. She's going on a date with Zel, you dip.

Amelia is shocked, staring into space.

Amelia: I don't like this!

Lina: Don't like what?

Amelia: Any of this! That Tya is mean and nasty! Last time, she put me and Zelgadis together! And now she's tearing us apart!

Zel: Are we talking about the same Tya here? I like her.

Amelia: Waah! You would!

She jumps up and runs away, tears streaming.

Xellos: Good one, Zel. You made her cry.

Zel: Hey! At least she left!

Xellos: Good point. Hey Rezo, wanna play some chess?

Rezo: No way! You cheat!

Xellos: Checkers?

Rezo: You're on.

Xellos: Cool.

The 'freaks' head towards the village, leaving Lina and Zel standing on the beach.

Lina: Well.

Zelgadis: Well.

Lina: So you really like her, hmmm?

Zel: Amelia!?

Lina: NO! Fionavar, you freak!

Zel: I like her. She's odd, but she's nice.

Lina: Uh, Zel? She thinks you're gay!

Zel does a very Xellos like evil grin: Not anymore...

Lina: I don't think I want to know.

There is an awkward silence until Zel's sensitive ears detect the sound of a motorized water craft. Seconds later, a small jetboat appears on the horizon.

Zel: That must be her. I'll think I'll suprise her. (He mutters a spell incantation) Ray wing!

Zelgadis flies off towards the boat.

Lina: Later, Zel. (A lightbulb suddenly goes on in her head.) Hey! He left the island! That's a breach of contract. I'm telling Queenie...

She's about to dash of to find the Queen of Swords when Amelia comes back, just in time to see Zel leaving.

Amelia: Zelgadis! Wait!

But he doesn't hear her. Either that, or he ignores her, per usual.

Amelia: That Zelgadis can be such a jerk! (sigh) But he's still the best in the world. Aww.

Lina: Okay, bye.

Zoom. Lina is gone, faster than a bat out of hell, running down the beach to the village. All thoughts of ratting on Zelgadis have vanished, replaced by the desire to escape Amelia's mushy phase. She slows down, and sees Gourrigan and Sylphiel, fiddling with the chinese finger trap.

Sylphiel: Okay, I've got this one. Hold still while I get your other finger out...oh great. Now I'm stuck in it too.

Gourrigan: Let's try this.

Sylphiel:Oh great! Now both my hands are stuck in here!

Lina grabs both of them and pushes the finger trap in, freeing them. Sylphiel pockets the novelty, thinking it may come in handy later.

Lina: Stay away from Amelia! She's on another one of those Zel- is-the-best-guy-in-the-universe kicks!

Later that evening...

Lina: So how did your date go with Fionavar?

Zel smiles and does the Xelloss thing (tm).

Zelgadis: That's a...

Lina: Don't even go there!

Suddenly, Amelia appears.

Amelia: Zelgadis!

Lina: Run! Save yourself! She's a nut! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Lina takes off into the jungle.

Amelia: I'm going with Xellos on this one. She is so baked.

Zelgadis: You are too, Amelia. Do you know how baked you are?

Amelia grabs Zel's arm.

Amelia: Nope, and I don't care as long as I have you.

Zel wrenches his arm from her grip, then runs off after Lina, yelling at the top of his lungs.

Zel: Somebody please kill me! Anybody!

Tya Hart appears from nowhere, like a grinning chesire cat on LSD.

Tya: Now, now, Zelgadis.

Zelgadis, glares at Tya: You promised to get Amelia off my case!

Tya: I did no such thing, you freak! I promised to get you out of her hut in return for a date with Fionavar.

Amelia: WHAT!?

Tya: I suppose I shouldn't have said that...

Fionavar slips in through the classic ACME hole.

Fionavar: Damn right you shouldn't have said that! You BRIBED Zelgadis into going on a date with me? How could you sis?

Zelgadis: Hey! YOU wanted a date with me? Why didn't you just ask?

Amelia stares at the three of them, speechless: You and Tya are sisters?

Tya: Well, yeah.

Xellos: Okay, I've got a bone to pick with you, Fionavar!

Fionavar sweatdrops: Um, I've gotta go. Could you write me a way out, sis?

Tya: Yeppers.

She tries to type on her Think Pad (tm) but Zelgadis snatches it. He hands it to Gourrigan for safe keeping. Gourrigan stares at it, trying to rub the words off the screen with his finger.

Tya: You are all dead if he breaks that. Give it back! We have to leave, now!

Zelgadis: Neither of you are going anywhere until you explain this! Got it?

Lina: You two had better get explaining. Once Zel gets set on something...

Zel: Zip it, Lina.

Lina: What did you say to...

Zel: Zi-ip it.

Lina: What...

Zel: Zip it. What part of that don't you understand?

Lina: Okay, that's it! FIREBALL!

Zelgadis: Erk.

Lina hands the Think Pad (tm) back to Tya.

Lina: Get out of here! Quick! Before he comes to!

Filia: For the love of God, run!

Xellos: Oh no you don't!

He attempts to snatch the pad again, but Sylphiel slaps the Chinese finger trap on him.

Sylphiel: Yoink!

Xellos: What the hell?

Sylphiel: Run!

Tya types rapidly and clicks 'send'. Seconds later, Dathon's Starcraft star craft appears over head. His face appears on a vid-window.

Dathon: You called?

Tya: Yeah, sugar. Get us out of here!

Dathon: Will do.

Fionavar snaps her fingers and both she and Tya dissapear. Their heads reappear beside Dathon's on the vid.

Fionavar: Bye bye, Xellos!

Xellos: Aw crap!

The star craft zips off.

Xellos: Why won't that elf answer any of my questions!?

Everyone grins wickedly.

All: That's a secret!

That's All Folks!