Coup de Fionavar
by Fionavar al Dara

Miss Fionavar al'Dara is reading scripts and sipping iced caupichino in her office down on the beach. Or rather a two room bamboo hut consisting of a couch (Mulder doesn't need a bed, why do I?) a desk, a cheap eighties PC, a refrigerator, a cd player, and a phone made of a coconut and a palm frond, whichXellos cooked up for her. Oh yes, and an iced capachino machine. The whole thing is powered by a generator that runs on fermented funky fruit juice...yes, it has other uses, but what a waste!

Fionavar is sitting at her desk, re-reading Daniel Synder's last fic for about the zillionth time.

Fionavar: I cannot believe that Snyder guy! Form fitting wet suit my ass!

The Trickster pokes his head in the window.

Xellos: I heard someone mention the word ass. You called?

Fionavar: Not particularly.

The Trickster Priest pouts.

Xellos: I still can't belive you went on a date with that damn chimera.

Fionavar: Yeah, well, my sister fixed it up for me.

Xellos: After everything we shared!

Fionavar: You're just jealous because you only get a few mentions in "The Inverse Chronicles: Slayers Never Give Up".

Xellos: Yeah? Well, I didn't want to be in your crummy fic anyway! My goddess, the Queen of Swords, writes better fics that you could ever manage!

The Author flicks the Trickster with her script writing power and goes back to work. She looks at her watch, or actually, Zel's watch, which she confiscated on their date.

Fio: Hmmm...About time for this weeks entertainment to arrive.

The Author peeks out the window. Yes, there it is. A Naboo transport just landed on the beach. Out steps the ever gorgeous Obi-Wan Kenobi. As he aproaches, the Author bows.

Fionavar: Welcome back to Gourrigan's Island, Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: I apreciate your welcome, Miss Fionavar.

The Jedi Knight looks around nervously.

Obi-Wan: The big breasted wench isn't around, is she?

The Authors grins. She almost does the Xellos-thing (tm), then thinks better of it.

Fio: I took the liberty of sending her to the hotsprings.

The Jedi Knight breathes a sigh of relief.

Obi-Wan: Thank god.

Fionavar: You're welcome. Now, you know what I'm looking for, yes?

Obi-Wan: I think so. You want to cause mischief and general chaos?

The Trickster reappears.

Xellos: I heard someone mention the word chaos. You called?

Fionavar: No, Xellos! (She turns to the Jedi Knight) If you were anybody else, Kenobi, you'd get
a mouthfull of sand. I prefer the term 'entertainment'.

Obi-Wan: If you prefer.

Fio: Good. Now, if you'll look at this list...

Obi-Wan: What is this?

Fio: It's my hate list.

The Trickster looks at the list carefully.

Xellos: Hey! This is Richard Nixon's hate list! You just crossed off his name and wrote yours!

The Author glares at the Trickster.

Obi-Wan: He's right, Fionavar.

The Author glares at both of them. She conjures up a pen and adds "Obi-Wan Kenobi" and "Xellos Metalium" to the end of the list in clear green ink.

Xellos: Hey!

The Jedi Knight notices other names that Nixon certainly didn't put on that list...names written in what looks like elven blood with a big black "AT LAST WE SHALL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" scribbled above them. The Jedi looks at her with a raised eyebrow.

Obi-Wan: You going Dark-side-Sith-Lord on me?

Fionavar: Do I look like a lord to you? Just do as I say and you'll get along fine. Now, I need your help to zap up some revenge... uh, 'entertainment' for these fine individuals.

The Author taps the list.

Obi-Wan: This wasn't in my contract...

The Author glares at the Jedi.

Fionavar: What contract?

Obi-Wan: Women...it doesn't seem fair that not even Jedi can understand them...

Xellos: Don't worry. Mazoku can't understand them either.

The Trickster and the Jedi Knight start chatting about women in general and why they were put on the planet.

Xellos: To make our lives hell! That's the only reason.

Obi-Wan: I'm starting to agree with you.

The Author fumes.

Fionavar: Gentlemen? I suggest you stop your line of thinking right there.

Xellos: Fio, do you mind? We're bonding here!

Fio: Darkness beyond twilight...

Obi-Wan: Whoa! You don't need to go summoning your Dark lords, okay? I've got enough of them as it is.

Fio: Get on with your job, Kenobi!

The Jedi Knight sighs and uses his lovely Jedi powers and zaps up some entertainment. A very strange looking man appears. He's covered in black and red tatoos, and his head is adorned with horns.

Fio: Now this is more like it! Hiya, Darth Maul!

The Sith looks around, confused as hell.

Darth-Maul: What the f***? Where did Amidala go? Kenobi! What the f*** is going on here?

Obi-Wan: If I knew, I'd tell you. (He turns to the Author) Are you happy now, Fionavar?

The Author smiles.

Fionavar: Of course. (She turns to the Trickster) Xellos darling, I'd like you to meet Darth Maul, Dark Lord of the Sith.

The Trickster and the Sith look at each other, both sizing up the competition.

Xellos: Nice horns, Maul. Get 'em at Wal-Mart?

Darth Maul: Nice staff. You get it at Value Village?

The Trickster does the Xellos thing (tm).

Xellos: That's a secret. (He turns to Fionavar) I like this guy.

Fio: You would. Get lost, Xellos.

Xellos: Will do.

The Trickster grins, giggles, and dissapears into the trees.

Obi-Wan: That guy has some major problems. Could I suggest a therapist?

Fio: Xellos is just...oh I give up. Let's just get to work, okay?

The Author snaps her fingers and conjures up some servants, all bishounen in skimpy beach attire.

Fio: Somebody get Sithie boy some clothing! I'm not interested in finding out what's under that towel!

One of the bish runs off in search of clothing that will fit Darth Maul.

Fio: Get your ass out of that robe, Kenobi, before you die of heatstroke! Damn fool jedi...

The Jedi obdiently removes his robe and attempts to hand it to one of the bishounen.

Fio: Get your own!

The Jedi shakes his head and looks skyward as if to say 'why did I get involved?' The Author answers his unspoken question.

Fio: 'Cause you'er a sucker for a pretty elven face.

The Jedi ignores her comment.

Obi-Wan: Where exactly do I get my 'own'?

The Author cups her hands around her mouth and yells very loudly.

Fionavar: NAGA! LINA! FILIA! MARTINA!

The White Serpent, the Sorceress, the Gold Dragon Maiden, and the Tramp come flying out of thejungle.

Naga: I saw him first!

Lina: I did, you big breasted wench!

Filia: He's mine, I tell you! Mine!

Martina: Mine mine mine!

The Jedi looks at the four screaming girls then flips his middle finger at the Author. She smiles sweetly at him.

Fio: I'm going to pretend I didn't see that. (She turns to the scrap fight which has erupted on the sand) Alright, you three. Stop fighting right now. You all get to be Obi-Wan's runners. Anything he needs, you get for him. Got it?

The Sorceress doesn't look too happy.

Fio: You got a problem, Lina?

Lina: I don't want to share with Naga and Martina!

Fio: Fine. Naga, Martina, you will assist Darth Maul.

Naga: Oh ho ho ho ho! I've always loved evil men.

Martina: Me too!

The White Serpant and the Tramp shimmy up to the Sith.

Martina: Why, hello.

Naga: Yes. Hello, sexy.

Darth Maul: Well, you're no Amidalas, but you'll do.

Naga, Martina, and the Sith sit down on the sand and start talking. Meanwhile, Filia and Lina are staring at Obi-Wan with blank adoration.

Filia: We are at your beck and call, Master Kenobi.

Lina: Yes. If you need anything, just ask.

Obi-Wan: I can't believe I'm doing this.

The Jedi hands his robe to Filia.

Obi-Wan: Put this is Fionavar's office. If you can call it an office...

The Author ignores him. She zaps up a a tan bishounen in a speedo to hold a tray of drinks.

Obi-Wan: What is it with you? The next I'll know, you'll stick me in one of those things too.

Fionavar: Be careful what you wish for...

Darth Maul: Hey! What about me?

Fionavar: Well, Valas should have been back with some clothing for you by now...

On cue, the speedo wearing bishounen appears, carrying spandex bicycle shorts and a nasty looking
hawaiien shirt.

Martina: Ooh! Spandex!

Darth Maul: I am not wearing that!

Fio: Quiet you!

Obi-Wan: It's better if you just do what she says.

Fio: Okay, that's it! I've had enough of your lip!

The Author zaps the Jedi into a speedo, much to the delight of Filia, Lina, Martina, and Naga.

Obi-Wan: I don't have to take this.

Fio: Yes you do. Sit down!

Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this. There's no place to keep my light sabre.

The Sith raises an eyebrow at Obi-Wan and Fionavar.

Darth Maul: You let her push you around?

The Jedi nods.

Obi-Wan: She's worse than Lucas if I don't do what I'm told.

The Author whacks him with a stick.

Obi-Wan: See what I mean?

Darth Maul: I see. Good thing she's riddiculously attatched to you and not me-ooof!

Fionavar removes the blunt end of a fan boy's fan from Darth Maul's midsection. The Sith pulls out
his double bladed light sabre.

Maul: You might be able to push Kenobi around, but I won't be taking orders from you, got it, little
elf?

The Author chars Darth Maul throughouly and takes his light sabre. She holds it up menacingly.

Fio: Quiet, cereal box boy! Anybody else have any complaints?

The Bishonen, the Jedi, the Tramp, the White Serpent, the Gold Dragon Maiden, and the Sorceress all shake their heads. The Jedi sighs in exasperation. Fionavar gives Darth Maul's lightsabre back.

Obi-Wan: You would never make it as a Jedi Knight...

The Author fireballs him nonchalantly.

Many healing spells later...

Fio: God! I didn't think it would be so damn hot!!

Obi-Wan: Your...attendants fainted from the heat.

Fio: God damnit!

She conjures up a canopy for them to rest under.

Fio: Get up you lazy bishounen!

The bishounen get up and start fanning again.

Valas: It's too hot!

Gravestone: Yeah.

Dural: I'm agreeing with my colleagues.

Fio: Why don't you whine some more?

Obi-Wan: It is rather hot, Fionavar...

Darth Maul: Damn right!

Fionavar: Stop complaning! This is a tropical island!

The Sith pulls out his lightsabre again.

Darth Maul: It is too hot to work! I demand you give us a rest!

Fionavar: I don't have to. I am God! I am L-Sama!

She laughs maniacally.

Obi-Wan: Scary.

Darth Maul: Very.

Fionavar opens one eye and glares at them all. She takes Darth Maul's light sabre and gives it to Obi-Wan. He looks at her with a raised eyebrow, but takes it all the same.

Obi-Wan: Always wanted one of these...

Fio: Okay, listen up! I've decided that we will attack our primary targets in the village. Filia, is Micheal around?

Filia: Somewhere.

Fio: Good.

Filia: You promised you wouldn't hurt him!

Fio: We're not going to hurt him...we're just going to make him pay a little bit.

Filia: Oh...I guess I'm okay with that.

Fio: Naga, Martina, your primary duty is to distract Gourrigan and Zangulus.

Naga: Oh ho ho ho! No man can resist me!

Martina: I have Zangulus wrapped around my little finger.

Obi-Wan: What do I do?

Fionavar: You sit around and look pretty.

There is a loud laugh from Darth Maul. Obi-Wan looks at Fio to administer quick retribution to the big mouthed Sith, but she is too busy giggling with her pretty boys.

Fionavar imitates Naga to perfection, curdling the blood of everyone gathered on the beach, including
the Sith.

Fionavar: Oh ho ho ho ho ho! It's time to wreak some havoc!

Five hours later....

Fionavar is sitting in her office. She's changed into a hunter green string bikini and a fringed wrap-a-round skirt in a red and lavender Celtic knot thing. She's re-reading Daniel Synder's fic for the zillionth and one time.

Fio: Form fitting wet suit...

The Chimera peers in the window

Zelgadis: Uh, Fionavar?

Fio: Yuh huh?

Zelgadis: The girls are looking for you.

Fionavar goes outside. Filia immedeately pounces on her.

Filia: I've changed my mind! You can't hurt Micheal!

Lina: Yeah. We don't want to have anything to do with your jealous revenge.

Martina and Naga look at Fionavar.

Martina: Same for me.

Naga: And me. Oh ho ho ho ho!

Fionavar: Hey! This is mutiny!

Lina: So what?

With that the girls walk off, leaving Zelgadis standing on the beach with Fionavar.

Fio: So.

Zel: So.

Darth Maul appears from the jungle, breaking the awkward moment.

Fio: Well, that was convenient.

Maul: Fionavar, I'm leaving.

Zelgadis: Who is this?

Fionavar: You're kidding me, right? Where have you been all summer? Stuck on a desserted island in the South Pacific...

Zelgadis: Uh...

Fio: Don't answer that. This ismy friends. Zelgadis, I'd like you to meet Darth Maul. (She turns to the Sith) This is Zelgadis Greywers.

Zelgadis and Maul shake hands.

Fio: So, Maul? You ready to take on the fruitiest, most annoying person on this island?

Zelgadis: Xellos?

Fio: Fruitier even than Xellos!

The Trickster yells from the jungle's edge.

Xellos: Hey! Who dares to usurp my reputation?

Fionavar: None other than Micheal the Red Priest!

Darth Maul: Whoa! You wait just one second, you sneaky little elf!

Fionavar: Who are you calling sneaky!?

Darth Maul: You didn't say anything about getting that Red Priest twerp! I'm outta here. That guy is
more annoying then C-3PO.

He stalks off to find Kenobi so the Jedi can send the Sith back to wherever he was before Kenobi snatched him...and whatever he was doing with Queen Amidala, god forbid we want to know.

Fio: Hey! Get back here! I pay your salary, god damn it!!! (she runs after him and falls on her face in the
sand, shrieking.)

The Sith does not return. Xellos appears from the trees and helps Fionavar up. She clings to the trickster, wailing. Zelgadis doesn't like the look of that so he goes to get the others.

Xellos: Hmmm...could this somehow be twisted into an advantage for me? Maybe I can use her to get to Zelgadis...and then I can crush Amelia... (his brain starts whirling in a Mazoku-garbage like way)...and Lina....Gourrigan...hmmm.....I can rule this island with just by exploiting one little elf...and from there, who knows? The world!

He grabs the strings of her bikini in one hand and scratches his chin with the other.

Suddenly, Obi Wan Kenobi comes crashing out of the jungle. Lina, Gourrigan, Zelgadis, Amelia, Firia,
Sylphiel and the Red Priests are with him. Weapons are drawn and spell chants are on everyone's lips.

Lina: I knew you were slimy, Xellos, but not that slimy! We could hear you playing the five degrees of Slayers Bacon all the way back at the village, you fruitcake! Let go of Fionavar!

Micheal: I think we should leave her there, personally...

Firia: Um...I agree with him.

Zelgadis: Okay, so we're leaving the helpless elf in the clutches of the evil Mazoku.

The Slayers shrug and start to dispearse. Kenobi stares at them.

Obi-Wan: What is wrong with you people?

The Sorceress shrugs

Lina: You saw what she was going to do Micheal. I say we leave her there. Who's up for a ten course chicken dinner?

Everyone throws their arms up in the air.

All: Yeah!

Zel: Yeah.

Obi-Wan shakes his head. He draws his light sabre and neatly slices the strings the Trickster is holding. This shocks Fionavar out of her crying spell.

Fionavar: What the hell are you doing to my bikini, you freak!? This thing cost me seventy-five dollars! You pervert!

Obi-Wan: Yeah, that's right. The story of my life! Save the pretty little queen and the little brat gets her in the end! Save the pretty elf and you get yelled at! I'm sick and tired of being a damn Jedi! There is NO reward to this job! (He looks down the beach, where Maul is getting ready to leave) Hey! Darth Maul!

The Sith glides back on his glider thingie.

Maul: Yeah? What do you want?

Obi-Wan: Darth Sideous needs a new apprentice, right? I mean, considering you're dead at my hand and all...

Maul: Yeah, Darth Sideous does need a new apprentice. But you'd better hurry before that little brat you mentioned gets there...

Obi-Wan: You leaving soon?

Maul (looks at Sith Watch): Right away.

Obi-Wan: I'm going with you. Maybe the Dark Side is a little more rewarding.

Darth Maul: Well, other than the fact that everyone wants to kill you, it's pretty sweet...

They walk off down the beach, discussing the benefits of the Dark Side.

Fionavar: Get back here you lazy sons of...

Enter the Queen with a pocketful of cheap NBC censors, all with menacing looks on their faces.

QOS: Don't you DARE say that on my show!

Fionavar: Sorry.

QOS: Yeah, well don't do it again.

Exit the cheap NBC censors, but it's too late. The Naboo ship blasts off and disappears into the sky.

Fionavar: NOOOO! My revenge plans!

QOS: Well, if you think you can plot a revenge without ME you've got another thing coming! Now get off my island!

Fionavar: Huh?

QOS: Get off my island! There will no coups this week!

Fionavar: Damn. How about next week?

QOS: No good.

Fionavar: The week after that?

QOS: I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you.

Fionavar: So I can have my revenge?

QOS: Yeah. Just not this week!

Fionavar: Eh, good enough for me!

The Queen turns to Xellos.

QOS: And I'll deal with YOU later.

She stalks off.

Xellos: Eeep.

The End!