Zelgadis
Gets 'Pic'ed!
by Fionavar al Dara
It's a typical day on the island. Except for the fact that's it +50 degrees celsius, and everyone's in the shade in different parts of the island.
At the village...
The Red Priest comes out of a hut, dressed in blue jean cutoffs and a funky hawaiien print top. He looks (?) around, a Xellos-like grin on his face.
Rezo: Well, I'm off to spy on Naga and Sylphiel.
Amelia sighs: It is so hot. I don't know Martina and Zangulus can stand to be so close together when it's this damn hot out!
Xellos: You're just jealous, princess.
Amelia: Shut up, Mazoku Trash!
Xellos: Well, you are. Why don't you just give up on Zelgadis? We both know he wants the elf chic. (sniffle) I should turn him into something nasty...
The Red Priest makes a remark as he leaves the village.
Rezo: He is something nasty.
Xellos: True.
Amelia: Hey! I told you to shut up!
Filia: Will you please BOTH be quiet!? I'm trying to sleep here!
On the other side of the island...
Gourrigan: Why is it so hot?
Lina: We're on a tropical island, doofus.
Zelgadis: I think the water's warming. El Nino or some such Spanish named thing.
The Jellyfish Brain gapes at the Chimera
Gourrigan: Huh?
Zel: Nevermind.
Deep in the jungle...
Naga: OH HO HO HO HO!!! I see you behind that bush, Rezo!
The Red Priest claps his hands to his ears and comes out of his hiding place
Rezo: Don't you ever shut up, Naga?
Naga: Oh ho ho. Not on your life, red boy.
Sylphiel: Miss Naga, did you ever think that if maybe you were quieter and more lady like, men would like you?
Naga: OH HO HO HO!! Who asked you anyway, Miss-Oh-I'm-so-in-love-with-Gourrigan!
The Shrine Maiden blushes.
Sylphiel: Take that back, Miss Naga!
Back in the village...
Amelia: I am SO bored. You still have that copy machine, Xellos?
Xellos: Yeah. What, Princess? You want to copy a loved one? Giggle.
The Gold Dragon has given up trying to sleep.
Filia: You are such a moron, Xellos.
Xellos: Yes, but I'm a happy moron. Who do you want a copy of, Amelia?
The Princess sighs dreamily.
Amelia: Zelgadis.
The Trickster facefaults.
Xellos: I should have guessed. Alright, but it'll cost ya.
Amelia: How much?
Filia: Don't do it, Amelia. He'll probably make you do something sick and perverted.
Xellos: I'll deal with you later, Miss Gold Dragon.
The Gold Dragon shudders.
Xellos: Now Amelia, what are you willing to pay for a Zelgadis copy?
Amelia: What wouldn't I pay?
Xellos: Deal. Rub my feet.
Amelia and Filia: GROSS!
Xellos: Do it or no copy Zelgadis!
The Princess grumbles a bit, but rubs the trickster's feet. Suprisingly, they don't smell too bad.
Xellos: Okay. Now, we're going to need some hair...
On the other side of the island again...
Gourrigan: Can I borrow a toothpic, Zelgadis?
The Chimera rolls his eyes skyward.
Zelgadis: I don't exactly carry toothpics, Gourrigan.
Gourrigan: Oh, okay.
The Jellyfish Brain reaches over and pulls a strand of hair from the Chimera's head.
Zel: Ouch! What the hell did you do that for?
Gourrigan: Well, there's this piece of cocconut stuck between my teeth and it's really bugging me. He procedes to pick his teeth with Zel's hair.
The Chimera shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
Zelgadis: Lina, why did you ever agree to let him go with you to Atlas City?
The Sorceress shrugs.
Lina: I didn't exactly let him, Zel. He kind of followed me.
Gourrigan: Where's Atlas City?
The Jellyfish Brain gets hit over the head with a coconut.
Deep in the jungle once more...
Naga: They're real! I swear!
Sylphiel: No way.
Rezo: I'm going with Sylphiel on this one...
Naga: Do I have to prove it?
The White Serpent pulls off her top.
Sylphiel: Naga! Put that back on this minute! I'm going blind here!
Rezo: Do I ever wish I could see that...
The White Serpent reluctantly puts her top back on.
Sylphiel: Thank god...I believe you, Naga.
Rezo: Yeah, well I don't. I need some hands on evidence.
The White Serpent prepares to make a run for it.
Naga: I'll see you later...
Zoom in on Zangulus and Martina...who suprisingly aren't doing anything. They are staring at each other...not doing anything!!
Zangulus: This is getting boring.
Martina: Yeah.
Zangulus: Maybe we should see other people or something.
Martina: Hey! We're married! We can't just 'see' other people!
Zangulus: Wait! I've got an idea.
The Swordsman whispers wildly into the Tramp's ear. She squeals in delight.
Martina: Ooh! Good idea, lover.
The Swordsman jumps up.
Zangulus: I'll go find him.
The Swordsman runs out of the clearing.
Flick back to Zel, Lina, and Gourrigan.
Lina: I am sooo hungry. Do any of you have any food?
The Chimera and the Jellyfish Brain shake their heads.
Lina: Damn! Hmmm...
The Sorceress pulls out another strand of the Chimera's hair.
Zel: Why do you guys keep doing that!?
The Sorceress shrugs and pulls out several strands of her own hair. She ties the Chimera's hair to her hair and ties all the hair to a stick, and uses it for a fishing rod. The Chimera facefaults.
Zelgadis: I hate my life.
Suddenly the Swordsman runs up and stops, panting, in front of the Chimera.
Zangulus: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Zelgadis: What do you want?
The Swordsman whispers wildly in the Chimera's ear.
Zel: I didn't need to hear that.
The Swordsman pulls out a clump of the Chimera's hair and takes off in the direction that he came...he yells over his shoulder.
Zangulus: Thanks Zelgadis!
The Chimera shudders.
Zel: I really didn't want to be involved in that.
The Princess walks in.
Zel: Damn. Here we go.
Amelia: Can I have some of your hair, Zelgadis?
Zel: What do you want it for?
Amelia: Um...uh...a..er...a sewing needle!
Zel: Fine. Just take it and leave me alone!
The Princess pulls out a single strand.
Amelia: Thanks awfully, Zelgadis.
The Princess runs off.
Zel: What is this? Torture Zelgadis day?
Enter the White Serpent, the Shrine Maiden, and the Red Priest..
Naga: Oh ho ho! My breasts are as real as the blindness in your eyes, you red rat!
Rezo: Sorry, I don't believe you.
The Shrine Maiden shudders.
Sylphiel: Believe her.
The Shrine Maiden cringes and sits down.
Rezo: There has to be a way to solve this once and for all!
Sylphiel: Maybe poke them with something. If they deflate, they're fake. If they don't, well...
Rezo: That's a great idea!
Naga: Now wait just one minute! Not just anyone is poking my breasts!
The Red Priest looks (?) around. He spies the Chimera and rips out a strand of his hair.
Zel: Augh! You stupid old blind bastard!
Lina: Is that anyway to talk to your grandfather?
Gourrigan: Or your great grandfather?
The Red Priest hands the piece of hair to the White Serpent.
Rezo: So who gets to poke you?
The White Serpent thinks for a moment, then gives the hair back to the Redp Priest.
Naga: Go ahead you blind bastard! But touch me
anywhere else and I will kick your priestly ass back to
Japan!
The Rep Priest giggles and does the Xellos thing (tm)
Rezo: Will do.
The Red Priest pokes first her left breast than her right breast. Nothing happens.
Rezo: Damn! They are real.
Sylphiel: Told you so.
Lina: How would you know, Sylphiel?
Sylphiel: Well, how would YOU know, Miss Lina? At least I HAVE breasts.
The Sorceress fumes.
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight...
The Jellyfish Brain has a moment of brilliance. He claps a hand over the Sorceress's mouth.
Gourrigan: I think we'll be going now. Ta ta.
The Jellyfish Brain grabs Lina and runs away with her under his arm.
In the jungle...
Xellos: Okay, Princess. You can have your copy now.
The Princess gushes, falling to her knees and kissing the Trickster's feet.
Amelia: Oh thank you thank you thank you!
Xellos: Shut up already! And get off me!
The Trickster opens the copy machine and hands a twelve inch tall copy of the Chimera to the Princess.
Chibi Zel: Am I cute or what?
Amelia: Yes you are. You're so cute I good eat you up!
Chibi Zel: Noooo! Don't eat me 'cause I'm beautiful!
Amelia: He's sooo cute!
The Princess runs off to the village with her new toy. When she is gone, the Trickster points his staff into the copy machine.
Xellos: You chibis think you're getting out this time? I don't think so!
The Trickster blasts the other chibis into oblivion.
Xellos: The world ain't big enough for me and fifty thousand chibi Zels.Well, maybe in the world of ZOTR...giggle. I don't think Amelia's going to like her copy very much, since I did, after all, slip a piece of my hair into the copy machine...bwah hah hah!
The Trickster looks at the camera and does the Xellos thing (tm).
Xellos: Oh come, you didn't really think I'd pass up an oppurtunity like that, do you?
The Trickster giggles maniacally for half an hour.
Later...
The Chimera is sitting under a tree when the Trickster walks by. The Trickster is still giggling.
Xellos: Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?
Zelgadis: What? You want some of my hair? Fine! They've already used it as a toothpic, a fishing hook, a sex toy, a breast deflater for Naga and a sewing needle!
Xellos: I was just going to ask you about Amelia, but since you mentioned it, I'll give you five bucks for that sex toy thing. I bet that elf chic would be into that...
Zelgadis: Stay away from Fionavar, Xellos!
Xellos: Okay okay! Don't stick hair in my eyes. Get it? Hair- needles? Hair? Giggle...Auh, nevermind.
Zelgadis: Xellos?
Xellos: Yeah, Zel baby?
Zelgadis: Get a life!
The Author steps out from behind the camera.
Fionavar: Zel's hair is too damn sharp to use as anything but a sadomasochism thing, and I'm not into that stuff, Xellos. Sorry.
The Trickster slinks away, purposely not mentioning the chibi Zels.
Xellos: Too bad, elf-lady. We could have had some fun.
The Trickster disapears into the trees.
Zel: How are you Fionavar?
The Author shrugs.
Fio: I don't know how exactly to put this, but there will shortly be fity thousand chibis of you running all over the island.
Zel: Damn that Xellos!
The Trickster's laugher can be heard as he disapears into the jungle. The Chimera beats his head against a tree.
Zelgadis: Okay, this is not MY fault.
The Author shrugs again.
Fio: I don't have to deal with it...that's the problem of the next Guest Writer...
Zelgadis: Fix it, now!
Fio: Now you listen to me, stone-boy! If I
could control this situation, believe me, I would! Since I can't do a thing
about it...
Zel: Fionavar...
Fionavar: All right already!
The Author cracks her fingers and starts to wave them around in the air.
Fionavar: Oh great spirits of fire and air. Bestow your powers upon me...blah blah blah...and give me your righteous might...yaddi yaddi yadda...and remove all the chibis from the island.
POOF! POOF! POOF! All over the island,
copies start to dissapear.
Down at the beach...
The Princess is teaching Chibi Zelgadis how to swim.
Amelia: Okay, Zelie. Stick your head under the water...
POOF!
Amelia: Hey! Where did my Zelgadis go? WAAAH!
The Princess shakes her fist at the sky.
Amelia: Damn you, cruel world! DAMN YOU!!
THE END