Curiosity George 2
By Nathan Crews

When last we left Gourrigan's Island, Amelia was trapped in the insidious clutches of curiosity george, fell servant of the man in the black hat.

What horrible fate lies in store for our plucky heroine?

<Crunch!slurp!>

MitBH: That answered that.

Lina: You jerk! That zombie slave of yours just ate Amelia!

Gourrigan: What kind of monster are you, letting your zombies slaves just go eating anyone they want to?

Zelgadis: I feel really bad. I never even returned her hammer..

Lina: Whoa! I thought you hated her!

Zelgadis: Oh, please. It's not that I hate her-she just annoys the hell out of me sometimes, that's all.

Gourrigan: What do we do now, Lina?

Lina: The only thing we can do; we're gonna fry that monkey! Then, Sylphiel can cast a Restore spell on Amelia and,

MitBH: Won't work.

Lina: Huh?

MitBH: once someone becomes the zombie's victim, they too, become pawns of the mojo who created the zombie. Normally, this wouldn't cause a problem, but seeing as how George is out of control<urk!>

Lina:(shaking Nathan by the collar)Listen! Amelia's DEAD and it's all your fault! If Sylphiel here can't bring her back, then you'd better find a way or..

MitBH: Okay! Okay! There might be a spell in the Necronomicon, but it's risky.One wrong word and we could all become mindless, undead ghouls.

Gourrigan: Okay, so where's this necrophiliac at?

MitBH: Necronomicon. I'm sure Rezo has a copy, don't you?

Rezo: Why yes, so I do. Would you like to use it?

Lina: Of course he would! (staring daggers in Nathan's direction.)Wouldn't you?

Rezo: How unfortunate. I lost it somewhere on the island and simply haven't been able to find it.

Lina: (pounding absent-minded Red Priest) You WHAT?!

So begins the quest for the necronomicon, forbidden tome of unhallowed knowledge.

Dum de dum..

(Three hours later,)

Lina: Aggh! This is going nowhere! Are you sure you don't remember where it is, Rezo?

Rezo: Quite certain. It gives off an aura of palpable evil, easily detected by a wizard of my standing. Much like my robe.

Lina: That's it!

Gourrigan: Uh, what's it, Lina?

Lina: The book must be in Rezo's robe!

Rezo: I hadn't thought of that.

Horrible scene ensues, lina trying to denude rezo, rezo blasting lina with mono bolt, gourrigan shaving rezo's goatee with the sword of light(hey, no razors on that three hour tour), then, shaving his own.Xellos finaly goosing Rezo and taking the Necronomicon.

Rezo: That was totally unnecessary, you fruity little..

Xellos: Now, now Rezo, would you rather I had let Lina take it?

Rezo: Hmm, you might have a point. At least this way I have some dignity left.

Lina: Alright, we got the book, now let's bring Amelia back to life!

MitBH: What's the hurry?

Lina: Look, if we finish up this episode early, we can all go play in the snow;and I haven't had a good snowball fight since this series began!

Gourrigan: Hey! Who's that guy in red over there?

Lina: You idiot! That's Rezo! Have you forgotton again?

Gourrigan: No! Not that guy in red, the one over there in the red hat.

Xellos: I love his outfit, it's soo sinister.

Lina: Who are you anyway?!

Inquisitor: I am the Inquisitor.

Sylphiel: I sense great evil from this man.

Inquisitor: Oh go smoke your crack pipe. In fact I have one right here.

Sylphiel: I've never touched a...

Inquisitor lights pipe

Sylphiel: Suddenly I feel a great urge to do something. Consciousness fading.. fading.. GIVE ME THAT PIPE RIGHT NOW!!!!

Inquisitor: Now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to business. I would like to explain myself.

MitBH: This could take awhile..

Inquisitor: Don't pay any attention to the man behind the curtain, er, in the black hat. Sorry, a flashback to an earlier work of mine. Anyway

Lina grabs Man in black hat's typewriter.

Lina: (interrupting) Hey! You don't appear anywhere in this script!

Lina's mouth suddenly disappears.

Everybody: Yahoo!!

Gourrigan: I thought Sylphiel said you were evil.

Mute Lina begins pounding Gourrigan soundly.

Xellos: Everyone knows that evil is only a certain point of view.

Suddenly Xellos is struck by lightning and trapped in a sand storm that turns to glass around him. Then the Inquisitor draws crucifixes all around the glass to contain him.

Inquisitor: Sometimes I love this profession.

Martina: (cooing seductively) How many more of us are you planning to destroy,Mr. Inquisitor?

MitBH: That won't work on HIM.

Zangulus: Don't you dare touch my precious!

Inquisitor: Gee, do you own a ring? You really should. It might give you great powers. Like this!

Suddenly Zangulus disappears.

Martina: Where are you, honeybunch?

Zangulus: I'm right here!

Martina: Right where?

Inquisitor: Don't get him close to any mountains or he'll get really irritable.

meanwhile, on the other side of the island, the man in the black hat is busy reciting from the necronomicon with the only useful cast member left-zelgadis.

MitBH: Or is he just the only useful cast member at all?

Zelgadis: What?

MitBH: Never mind. Now, I believe I've found the incantation.Let us begin.

OoWeeUmOoo,OoWeeUmOoo,Staltach,Minicrom,Oliebrachan..

Suddenly,firia,who was flying over the island in dragon form,catches a fly up her nose.

Firia: Ah-ahhh-achoo!

MitBH: Noooo! Do you have any idea what you've just done?!

cast extras killed in previous episodes begin to rise from their shallow graves,irs agents seeking flesh,rather than finances, papparazi hungering for entrails instead of details.somewhere amidst the ghoulish gang, amelia staggers, searching for a bite to eat.

Amelia: Brains! More brains! Justice!More..aah screw it! Brains!Brains,dammit!

Lina: ..,you goofball! You're gonna wish..Hey, I can talk again!

Inquisitor: Of course. Sylphiel was right when she said she sensed great evil eminating from me. I was going to say that I'm not evil just rapacious, but everyone kept interrupting me. I've now rescinded all my spells.

Gourrigan: But Xellos is still in glass.

Inquisitor: I take exception to makaijin. They have a disturbing tendency to grow tentacles, and well, I'm just not going to have that while I'm here!

Gourrigan: Oh.

Xellos: I'll be good!<whimper>

Inquisitor: The word good and makaijin do not go together in the same sentence without some interceding negative particle, such as NOT! Therefore you stay in the glass.

Inquisitor casts mute spell on ensconced Xellos.

Inquisitor: I love that word!

Martina: Zangulus my love! You're back!

Zangulus: I never left!

as soon as everyone sufficiently recovers they notice a low moaning sound coming in their general direction.

Gourrigan: Zangulus, are you decent?

Zangulus: Of course I am,dolt! Why do you ask?

Gourrigan: Well if that's not you and Martina, then who is it?

suddenly, the undead horde meander into view, arms outstretched,ready to feast upon our unsuspecting heroes!

Gourrigan: Hey, you just warned us! How can we be unsuspecting?

MitBH: (Fading out)Feel free to argue about the script later! If you're still alive,that is.

Gourrigan: (Absent-mindedly decapitating zombie) Now what did he mean by that?

the whole gang turns against this new threat,but with little success; lina's spells have little effect on the zombies, and while Gourrigan and zangulus both dismember the fiends as fast as they can, the hideous creatures rise anew every few seconds hungering for.. well you know.

Zombies: Brains! Brains!!

MitBH: Exactly!

Lina: Damn! This is getting us nowhere! There's gotta be another way..

Zelgadis:(Finishing up counterspell) Amzada!

the zombies screech in rage as gale force winds blow them towards a spinning vortex in the sky, leaving only the cast, a dead folk singer, amelia, and a monkey-a very baaad monkey!

Martina: What do we do now?

MitBH: (Reappearing in leiderhosen with an organ grinder) Ho-kay, leetle monkey, hit's time to DANCE!

Lina: Noo! Make it stop!

Sylphiel: My..what..hairy..legs..you..have.

Gourrigan: The humanity! It's awful!

Heedless of the terror he inspires, the man in the black hat continues dancing and turning the wurlitzer's crank-not to mention a few stomachs!

George: OoohoohahAHH!

MitBH: zat's eet leetle monkey, dance over here to your dread master!

like a moth drawn to flame, so is george inexorably drawn to the man in the black hat. finally, he dances at the feet of his creator.

MitBH: (grabbing George by the neck and tossing him into the wurlitzer's inner workings) Gotcha!

turning the crank with sadistic glee, the man in the black hat turns an organ grinder into a meat grinder! disgusting,to say the least.

George:AHHAHHH!

MitBH: DIE leetle monkey! DIE! muhahaha!

George:(reconnecting his messy mass) oohoohahhAHH!

MitBH: Well, that didn't work. Maybe the Inquisitor,here has a plan,hmm?

Lina: You'd better you costumed freak!

Inquisitor: Just for that I'm going to charge you extra.

Gourrigan: But there's no money on this island.

Zelgadis: By the smug smirk on his face I would guess that the charge is not going to be monetary.

Inquisitor: I-KA-NI-MO!

Martina: I knew I could influence him!

Inquisitor: Not quite.

Lina: Well then, what DO you want?!

Inquisitor: You see I'm in the business of mass production but I had saturated the market with existing products while employing stupid little people; gee I wish I could still call those fools munchkins!

Zelgadis: What does that have to do with us?

Inquisitor: Product development. I've seen you people harness remarkable power from the astral plane without so much as selling your eternal souls. I mean, how can a simple set of mantras and tantras allow you the power without the consequences?

Rezo: No consequences?

Inquisitor: Well you screwed up and overdid it. Any way, after this is over I'm going to send over some interesting fellows to study your techniques. I plan to eventually drain the power from those astral figures without so much as a single "I vow this, that , or anything." Just pure, unadulterated power for the adept. I think I'll start a school or maybe sell cheezy home videos called "how to take out irritating neighbors."

Rezo: I for one will not cooperate.

Inquisitor: You can't do it right anyway! Besides you're just jealous you didn't think of it yourself... and because I can SEEE!!!

Rezo: Lay off, okay?

Lina: Allright! Allright! Whatever you say!

Zelgadis: I have some reser..

Suddenly Lina grabs the Hammer of Justice and pounds Zel good.

Lina: Of course he'll cooperate, won't you Zel?

Zelgadis: When you put it that way.

Inquisitor: Do the rest of you solemnly swear to burn at the stake for noncooperation?

Everyone: Huh? (pause) Sure!

Inquisitor: That was a blood oath so crossing your fingers behind your back reinforces the oath rather than negating it. Thanks for your cooperation.

Lina: Hey!

Inquisitor: Tough luck. I also want Xellos so I can sell him for an alien autopsy.

Firia: Only if I get a copy of the video.

Inquisitor: Done.

Lina: Well, get on with it.

The Inquisitor holds up an object in his hand.

Gourrigan: Whoa! A banana! Gimmie!

Lina: No! I think I see where he's going with this.

Inquisitor: Note that it's a mummified banana Gourrigan. It wouldn't taste good to you anyway.

Curiosity George suddenly swings by on a vine and grabs the banana.. and the Inqusiitor's hand! He gulps both down instantly.

Lina: Ha! Ha! Ha! That didn't go as planned, did it Inquisitor?

Inquisitor: (Grinning) On the contrary.

Curiosity George squeals and suddenly is torn to shreds from within. The monkey tries to re-materialize several times but is torn to shreds each time until finally nothing is left of him. Inquisitor recovers the hand, mumbles over it and sticks it into a hole cut into a bible.

Gourrigan: Uh, what was that thing anyway?

Inquisitor: Just a little something I picked up on vacation in Cancun.

MitBH: Well, I guess I'll just have to use this undead folk singer to do my bidding from now on.

Folk singer: Uhhn.

MitBH: That's "Uhhn,Master" . Zombies today, no respect at all.

Gourrigan: Well, that's settled, but what about Amelia?

Lina: Yeah, you promised results. Instead, you nearly killed us all with your zombies, grossed us out with that leiderhosen gig, and to top it off, we're indebted to that Inquisitor guy!

MitBH: Hmm, why didn't I think of this before?

The man in the black hat produces his typewriter from under a tree and types these bold words.

MitBH: (typing) Amelia's zombification suddenly wears off.

Amelia: Huh? Where am I? Wha-?

Lina: Hey Amelia, great to have you back!

Amelia: Oh, I remember now, I was running from a terrible monkey-mummy thing, and it jumped on my back, and it all seemed terribly unjust..

Lina: Yes,yes, but everything's ok now,so

Amelia: And then I had this terrible urge to eat brains,and I hate brains, they're slimy and icky

Lina: Can you turn her back?

MitBH: No, but the Inquisitor can probably sell you some earplugs-for a price.

And so, peace was at last restored to gourrigan's island.

The islanders were free to relax, enjoying naga-free health spas, fun in the snow, and the company of one another. And in the end, aren't these the best of things to have?

Lina: No! Now shut up already, Amelia!

the end.