Amelia's Baby
By Nathan Crews
It’s been three months, and life hasn’t really calmed down for the Castaways. Amelia is still missing, Zelgadis is still upset over the costly cure he turned down, and worst of all, the Dysfunctional Duo of Naga and Egaboo have returned to make everyone’s life a living hell.
Naga: Oh ho ho ho!
Gourrigan: Great. Now we have Martina and Zangulus in Stereo. What the heck are we going to do now?
Rezo: I don’t have a clue. Check.
Xellos: It’s a secret. Check.
Gourrigan: Wow. You two are in classic denial. You’ve made yourselves completely oblivious to the situation around you by engaging in a nonstop chess marathon, which I might add, neither of you seem likely to win.
Rezo: Am not! Freeze Arrow!
Xellos: Are so! Flare Arrow!
As Gourrigan is first flash frozen, then quick thawed his mind wanders to other topics, like food.
Rezo: Wait, why are you siding with him?
Xellos: Don’t know. Seemed like fun. Checkmate.
Rezo: You are disturbed.
Xellos: Just because I don’t agree with you?
Rezo: No, because you didn’t say ‘It’s a secret’ like you always do.
Xellos: Oh, that. Well, there’s a perfectly good explanation.
Rezo: Really?
Xellos: It’s a secret.
Zelgadis charges onscreen and batters Xellos’ head to a bloody pulp with the much-abused Hammer of Justice.
Zel: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! <huffhuffhuff>
Glaring like a feral beast, Zelgadis runs back into the jungle, giggling.
Gourrigan: I don’t know, coconut cream pie, or coconut cake?
Lina: Hey, Gourrigan.
Gourrigan: Yeah, Lina?
Lina: Have you noticed Zel acting odd lately?
Gourrigan: If you mean his irrational outbursts, mood swings, and occasional acts of violence, then yes.
Lina: What is wrong with him?
Gourrigan: I really don’t know. It could be depression from the fact that the cure he sought for so long would turn out to be a double-edged sword that he simply couldn’t live with. That, or he’s suffering withdrawal from all that Funky Fruit he’s been snarfing.
Lina: <yawn! > I’m bored. Let’s go irritate Naga.
Gourrigan: Uh, I think she and Egaboo are kinda, well you know, busy.
Lina: Ugh, good point. Hey! Let’s go help Zel!
At that moment, the madman in discussion is sitting on the ground, talking to hand puppets.
Zel: At last I’m free, Socko! Free! Hee heeh eh hee!
Socko: <hand puppet noises> Squeak.
Zel: She’s gone! I’ll never see her again! Whee! Oh god, no. What am I saying? It’s wrong to want her gone, isn’t it? She’s my friend. Friends don’t wish friends would go away forever, do they Socko?
Socko: Squeak, squeak.
Zel launches into a sick parody of Amelia’s justice speech that I will not put into print, then laughs at himself. Cut back to Lina and Gourrigan.
Lina: After that last scene, forget it. He’s completely lost it.
On the horizon, two flying monkeys appear with Amelia in tow. They land and deposit her pale, limp form on the beach. Zelgadis is the first to find her.
Zel: You! Why weren’t you here?! You know I can’t be perfectly miserable unless you’re here! You know how I love to be miserable! Why, Amelia, why?!
Amelia: (Grabbing Hammer of Justice) Pacifist Crush! Honestly, Mr. Zelgadis, you need to calm down!
Zel: (Holding head) Owwww. You’ve actually managed to help me out, for once. Thank you, Amelia.
Amelia: Anything for you, my dear Zelgadis.
Zel: Now don’t start that again, I’ll begin to regret thanking you in the first place.
The other cast members gather ‘round to see their lost comrade.
Lina: Amelia! Where have you been?!
Gourrigan: Where did she go, again?
Lina: (Smacking Gourrigan in head) She was kidnapped by flying monkeys and that sicko, the Inquisitor.
Xellos: You’ve got to love that outfit, though.
Amelia: Well, the flying monkeys took me to a faraway land, toward a city made entirely of emerald-uh oh.
Lina: (Eyes shining) Emerald? Where is this place, huh huh, tell me!
From the sky comes a voice
Inq.: If you want to go there you have only to ask.
Everyone: (sans MitBH, who’s used to this strangeness.) AAAAH!
Lina: GO away! Shoo, don’t even think of sending those monkeys back!
Inq.: You think they’re the only means at my disposal? I hear you love golden chariots pulled by the finest stallions. You want a great castle with the servants included? All could be yours if you only bow down and worm for me.
MitBH: Bow to him faith-full-y, bow to him dut-I-fully.
Giant worms with smiley faces pop up from the ground, awash in flame, Xellos, Gourrigan, Rezo, and Zelgadis frolic naked around her, moments later, she fireballs all of it.
Lina: What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Worm?!!
Inq: I’ll let the MitBH explain.
MitBH: Ooh, leave me the dirty work, huh? Fine, by ‘bow down and worm for me’, he means that you must not only grovel before him, you have to crawl away on your belly. No work involved, just humiliation. How Maoist.
Inq.: Hmm, interesting but not quite what I had in mind. Actually I wanted to convert you into a worm, and collect the water of life from you. It’s such a tasty weekend treat.
Lina: Huh?
MitBH: Hadn’t thought of that angle. I’ll try that sometime.
Everyone stares incredulously at the Man in the Black Hat.
MitBH: Just kidding, I think.
Gourrigan: Somehow, I think he wants to suck your tiny breasts but he realizes they’re wayy tooo smalll.
Lina: (cooing seductively) Gourrriigannn.
Gourrigan: (Blushing, trembling from fear) Y-yes Lina?
Lina: DIE!DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!!!
Lina begins pounding the life out of Gourrigan. Eventually, he dies. Lina is so shocked that when everyone accuses her of murder, she can’t even speak. In the end, she realizes how much she actually cared about Gourrigan, and hangs herself. The rest of the cast slowly descends into madness over the next ten years, until finally, having no further need for them, the Inquisitor burns them all at the stake.
Now, back to today’s episode of "Gourrigan’s Island"
Gourrigan: Owwwwwwwwwwwww.
Lina: Serves you right.
Zelgadis: Not that anyone will pay attention for very long, but go ahead and finish your story, Amelia.
Amelia: Well, the Inquisitor was there, and he was really scary looking, but he was much nicer than usual, and held a feast in my honor, -stop drooling Miss Lina! You too, Mr. Gourrigan! Anyway, I got very sleepy, and he had these funny little people called Munchkins take me to a really nice bedroom, and I got to sleep in a big comfy bed. When I woke up, The Inquisitor asked me if I would help him. At first, I was nervous because of how he used Mr. Zelgadis, but he said he really needed my help, and it would’ve been unjust to abandon someone in need, so I, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, agreed to help the poor, downtrodden,
MitBH: Lord of all he surveys.
Zelgadis: What? Never mind. Finish your story, Amelia, and this time, don’t launch into a justice speech.
Amelia: Sorry. Anyway, I agreed to help him, so he took me to a lab where they hooked me up to a machine to test my magic powers. It was a little scary, at first, but I calmed down when the munchkins assured me it was safe. That Mr. Inquisitor sure is nice to his subjects. Later, I went to a ball and danced the night away! I had the strangest dreams that night, and I felt kinda funny. When I woke up, the Inquisitor thanked me for all of my help, and told me how to get back here. But I kept feeling sick on the way here, and I would get so weak sometimes that I nearly collapsed, so he sent two of his flying monkeys to carry me back, and here I am!
Gourrigan: You really must’ve eaten a lot at that feast, Amelia.
Amelia: Why do you say that?
Gourrigan: You seem to have put on weight.
Lina: Gourrigan! That’s really rude to say to someone! Although, it is true.
Amelia: I never really noticed. I ate so much good food on the way back, I must’ve put on a few pounds.
MitBH: That or you’re pregnant.
Everyone (sans Inq. Voice): WHAT!
Naga walks into view, looking for someone to awe with her presence. Unfortunately for her, no one is ever awed by her. Unfortunately for everyone else, she never notices. She does notice Amelia’s pale complexion, plump belly, and apparent fatigue, however and asks..
Naga: OH ho ho ho! Who’s the proud papa?
Amelia: What?! Oh no, how can this be?! I would never, ever, ever sleep with anyone besides Mr. Zelgadis!
Zelgadis: Get used to sleeping alone, then.
Lina prepares to accuse the Inquisitor of uncomely behaviour toward the princess, but no reply comes from the sky, informing the islanders that he has more important people to siphon money out of.
MitBH: Before you ask me, I don’t spend any time in the Inquisitor’s lands. I have no clue whose child she’s carrying. Furthermore, from what I know of him, he wouldn’t impregnate an unsuspecting woman and just let her waltz out of his enlightened despotism.
Amelia: Could it be? The eternal love of Mr. Zelgadis and I somehow manifested itself as this child in my womb?
Zelgadis: Ah, the Inaccurate Conception.
MitBH: Well, this is a mystery to me. The Inquisitor’s not telling just yet, so we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?