Baby Blues
By Nathan Crews

Well, Amelia’s baby is due, and everyone is anxious to see what the baby will look like. Except Zelgadis, who is barely concerned, unless he might have to baby-sit.

Firia: Oh, I can’t wait to see the baby, Amelia! I’ve missed little Valgarv ever since we got stuck here.

Amelia: Yeah, I know! I’m so excited! It’s been tough sometimes, but I really want to see my baby, I want to hold it in my arms and rock it to sleep.

Naga: Oh ho ho! You have such maternal instincts Amelia!

MitBH: Agghh! Is this show on Lifetime or something?! Let’s cut the crap and get to the plot!

A few hours later and Amelia is in labor, and really not feeling too excited. Xellos has decided to pace and smoke cigarettes, but is still wearing that silly grin of his. Lina is a bit worried about Amelia’s health, but with Sylphiel on the job, and with Naga’s advice, Amelia comes through just fine.

Sylphiel: It’s over, everyone.

Lina: Is Amelia okay? How about the baby?

Sylphiel: Well, Amelia’s fine, and the baby..well, it’s okay too.

Gourrigan: Hey, is it a boy or a girl, Sylphiel?

Sylphiel: Well, it’s a, it’s a..well..

Naga: Oh HO HOHO! It’s a chimera!

Zelgadis’ eyes bulge, then he faints dead away.

Lina: (slapping Zel) Wake up! I said wake UP!

Zel: Aye yai yai! I’m awake already!

Lina: You’ve got a little explaining to do, don’t you think?

Zel: What about?

Lina: Oh, nothing, except WHY AMELIA’S BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU! Honestly, it’d be one thing if you admitted you liked her, but you kept going around snubbing her in front of everyone, and all the while, you two were making little rendezvous’!

Gourrigan: Gee, I thought they were just making babies.

Zel shrieks in horror and outrage, screen goes to a far shot of the island, and the theme from ‘Planet of the Apes’ plays.

Zel: No! I refuse to believe that this child is mine! There must be some mistake!

Amelia: Why can’t you accept that this child was born of our eternal, undying love Zelgadis?

Zel: Because our "eternal, undying love" is only one way, and it’s all coming from your direction!

Lina: So you’re saying that the two of you didn’t

Zel: No! We didn’t!

Amelia: (Looking glum) We sure didn’t, Miss Lina.

Lina: Okay, then it must be the Inquisitor’s doing.

Gourrigan: But he doesn’t look a bit like Zel.

Lina: That’s not what I meant!

MitBH: Perhaps he took a skin sample from Zelgadis, or he might even have engineered the embryo and implanted it into Amelia’s body. That would fit his style, but why would he do that?

Voice: You there, young lady! That child in your arms, be it yours?

Amelia: Huh? Oh, yes it is Mr. Goblin.

Goblin: Well, not anymore! That child is promised to me by contract!

Amelia: What! No! I’ll never give you my baby!

Goblin: The only way you can keep your baby is to guess my name!

Lina: What contract?

Goblin: My contract with the Inquisitor! In exchange for spinning straw to gold, he promised me his firstborn child! This woman is its mother, he told me so himself!

Lina: So it is his doing!

Amelia: Help Miss Lina! I don’t want to lose my baby to an ugly goblin!

Goblin: Ugly?! I’ll have you know the lady goblins find me quite attractive, so there!

Lina: Okay, is your name Jack?

Goblin: No.

Lina: Is it Fred?

Goblin: No.

Lina: Is it BRAM BLAZER?!

Goblin: What? Noooo!

The nameless goblin is disintegrated in a blue-white burst of light.

Lina: Well that’s that. Now to deal with the Inquisitor.

Inquisitor’s Voice: (Off camera) Well done, you’ve solved my problem just as I hoped you would, Amelia, though I confess, you’ve certainly found a unique solution.

Lina: You! How dare you use Amelia like that?! It’s not only despicable, it’s patently illegal!!

Inq.: How so? I performed the operation within the borders of my own country, which is governed by a different set of laws than yours, moreover, Amelia agreed to it.

Amelia: What?! I never agreed to bear your children!

Inq.: But you did agree to help me, without even asking what it would require of you.

Amelia: But you said you needed my help so badly, it would have been so unjust to not help someone in need like that.

Inq.: Yes, but you never even thought to ask what help I needed.

Amelia: Oh no, he’s right! Wahh! Mr. Zelgadis, I’m so sorry, I never meant to betray you!

Zelgadis: It doesn’t matter to me, Amelia.

Amelia: You mean you’ll forgive my infidelity?

Zel: No, I mean I just don’t care.

Amelia: Wahh!

Baby: Wahh!

MitBH: This is getting out of hand! Too bad, I really wanted to get old school on somebody.

Egaboo: Ah, Amelia, let me give my nephew my holy blessing.

Amelia: Oh, sure Mr. Egaboo.

Egaboo: I now bless this child in the name of Egaboo, Magnificent Priest of the Silver Palace, Protector of the innocent, Defender of peace, Destroyer of evil,

MitBH: Ahh, you’ll do!

Egaboo: Huh?

Suddenly, the Man in the Black Hat and Egaboo are in fighting ring, referee Mills Lane presiding.

Mills: Okay, you both know the rules: I want a tough, clean fight. Now let’s get it on!

Egaboo: Huh? Where am I?

MitBH: Rarrgh!

Egaboo: So! You would fight with the Mighty Ega <hoogh! >boo.

The Man in the Black Hat begins pounding the Pompous Priest with inhuman glee.

MitBH: How’s this for mighty?! Nyar!

Egaboo: (Swinging hammer) No one assaults the Great Egaboo!

MitBH: (Dodging hammer) Yeah right! They killed you once already!

The entire Slayers cast is in the audience, some cheer for one opponent, some cheer for the other.

Naga: Boo darling! Kick his ass! Oh ho ho ho!

Lina: Give ‘im one for all of us!

Gourrigan looks confused for thirty seconds, then heads to the concessionaire’s for some food. Amelia is cheering for justice to be triumphant, while her baby chuckles in that adorable baby fashion. Rezo looks bored and Xellos is wearing a t-shirt that reads " MitBH 3:16 ". Firia has a foam rubber mace, which she uses to hit Xellos. Much fighting takes place inside the squared circle, The Man in the Black Hat putting Egaboo in a headlock, only to have it reversed and get thrown into a hammerlock/wrist takedown. He gets back up, punches Egaboo in the stomach, throws him to the ropes, and is about to clothesline him when, as they say, reality snaps like a taut rubber band.

MitBH: Whew! That was fun!

Lina: What just happened?

MitBH: Basically, I realized that the story was over for all intents and purposes, but I hadn’t included enough violent footage to satisfy my bloodlust, so I threw in a pro wrestling scene to kill time and entertain. Hope you liked it.

Egaboo: Feh! Your cheap, Illusionist’s tricks did not deceive the Great Egaboo!

MitBH: I don’t care, it didn’t have to, it just needed to take up a paragraph.

The End