Gourrigan's 5th
By Nathan Crews

Naga was hogging the spa to herself, not even letting Egaboo in, when the Man in the Black Hat showed up again.

Lina: You! Come to do the dirty work of your dear ol’ Inquisitor again?

MitBH: No.

Lina: Heh, so you’ve come to make us miserable on your own then?

MitBH: No.

Lina: Huh? Could you please start explaining things with more than a monosyllable?

MitBH: (Smiling sadly) Maybe.

Lina: Gaaagh! Enough already, just spill it.

MitBH: (Typing) Snow starts to fall

Gray clouds cover the skies and a light snowfall begins. Lina looks up for a moment, then looks back at the Man in the Black Hat quizzically.

Lina: Okay, so you still do that neat meteorological trick. So what?

MitBH: I quit.

Lina: What?!

MitBH: Oh come on, people. Two two- parters, and a trilogy later, I’m ready to hang it up. I’ve gotten more involved than I ever intended to. Sure, there were some bad times, but there was always a silver lining for every dark cloud. But I’m tired. It’s time for me to throw in the towel and let the Queen do the writing as only she can.

The Man in the Black Hat, now merely Nathan, pulls up a steamer chest from somewhere. Upon picking the lock, he throws open the lid to reveal over two hundred dollars worth of hard liquor and beer.

Lina: Whoa!

Nathan: Get the gang. I’m going out with a bang!

Within minutes, the whole Slayers gang is assembled on the beach and is partying their bums off. Even Naga has left the health spa for the temptations of Demon Rum. Everyone has something in their hand: Xellos holds a can of Guinness Dark, Rezo has opted for the Budweiser, Firia is having a Zima, Lina enjoys some Bacardi Light with a mixer, Amelia has a wine cooler, Zel got stuck with baby-sitting, so he just sits in a corner, looking glum and sipping his Absolut. Nathan can’t quite decide between the blackberry brandy and the lime twist gin. And Gourrigan has settled back for the long evening with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Gourrigan: Wow, I haven’t had a fifth of jack in a long time! Thanks!

Nathan: No problem.

Everyone’s attention is diverted for a moment as Naga and Egaboo have a minor spat over who gets the last bottle of 180% Mead. Naga tries to zap some sense into hubby with a few attack spells, which Egaboo easily counters with his vast array of clerical defense spells. Everyone laughs at the spectacle until Gourrigan cries out.

Gourrigan: Hey! Someone took my fifth!

Amelia: Gosh, who would play such a mean trick on Mr. Gourrigan?

All eyes turn to Xellos.

Xellos: It wasn’t me, I swear!

Nathan: (grinning slyly) A game then.

Typing at speeds unbelievable even to him, Nathan transforms the cast of Gourrigan’s Island into the cast of Scooby Doo. Gourrigan wears a long green T-shirt and baggy bellbottoms, Lina wears a purple blouse and matching miniskirt, Xellos is wearing an orange turtleneck and red pleated miniskirt, with glasses to boot. Egaboo wears a long sleeved, white butterfly collared shirt, orange scarf, and blue bellbottoms.

Amelia: Hey, what about the rest of us? Don’t we get to play? It’s very unjust to leave us out!

Nathan: You get to play the surprise guest characters. Isn’t that nice?

Amelia: Wow! I love surprises!

Nathan: I’ll just let you know what part you play and when you appear later on in the game.

Naga: Oh ho ho ho! Very well, but don’t keep me waiting forever!

Nathan: Wouldn’t dream of it.

Lina: Hey, pervert! Don’t you think this skirt’s just a little small?

Nathan: Nah, it’ll just make you the target of every hormone driven bishounen within a fifty-mile radius.

Gourrigan: Besides, that blouse really makes your breasts look bigger!

Lina: (Blushing) Thanks. Hey!

Lina starts pounding Gourrigan again.

Lina: Teach you to stare at my chest!

Gourrigan: Ow! Uncle, uncle!

Xellos: But where’s Scooby?

Nathan: (Pointing behind him) Right there.

Xellos and indeed, everyone, turn to look behind Xellos. Standing there, bound and gagged, is a very angry Inu-Yasha. He also happens to be sporting Scooby’s collar and dog tags around his neck.

Inu-Yasha: Laugh while you can, Black Hat Boy, when I get loose, I’ll tear you apart!

Nathan: Many have tried and failed, Droopy. I’ve got a needle full of novocaine right here, so cooperate, or I’ll make you into Scooby Numb.

Freddyboo: Okay, gang, let’s split up and find Gourrigan’s fifth! Daphlina, Vellos, you come with me! Shagourry, you and Scooby Inu go that way!

Shagourry: Right!

Scooby Inu: Yeah, right!

As the gang explores the dark, forbidding Jungle Island, what fate will befall them? Will ghouls feast on their flesh? Will native headhunters shrink their noggins? Or will they luck out and find Gourrigan’s Fifth and end this madness?

Nathan: Probably.

All: Huh?

Shagourry and Scooby Inu walk through a particularly dense span of undergrowth. Denser than Gourry! We’re talkin’ dense here!

Shagourry: Gee, Scooby, this sure is scary!

Scooby Inu: Whatever.

Suddenly, native headhunters spring out to kill our intrepid heroes.

Shagourry and Scooby Inu: Zoinks!

Scooby Inu jumps into Shagourry’s arms as both tremble in fear. Shagourry drops Scooby and draws his sword of light. Scooby uses a little puppy power, and in seconds, the headhunters are dead or fled.

Shagourry: What was that all about?

Scooby Inu: Hell if I know.

Freddyboo, Daphlina, and Vellos are similarly engaged in investigating a part of the island for Gourrigan’s fifth. In this case, a small, unexplored cave, tunneling deep into the earth, filled with a wet oozy smell.

Daphlina: Lay off the innuendo, pervert!

Nathan: Tut, tut. I never mentioned anything personal. I merely chose..creative adjectives to describe your location. Now how is that perverse?

Vellos: The fact that we’re here all alone with Freddyboo?

Nathan: Point taken. Just be glad it’s not Homer Han.

All: Who?

Nathan: You don’t want to know. And it’s too late to introduce him anyway.

Freddyboo: Look, a clue!

On the ground is a newspaper clipping of a boat show. Two people stand out to our clever crime fighters; Namely, Naga and Egaboo!

Vellos: Jinkies! Freddyboo, you and Naga were behind this the whole time?

Freddyboo: No, I swear it! Neither my lovely wife nor I would steal alcohol from an infantile twit like Gourrigan! So swears Egaboo the Veracitous!

Vellos and Daphlina turn a shade of green at the words "lovely wife", and are further sickened by the rest of Freddyboo’s long-winded self-praise.

Meanwhile, Shagouury and Scooby Inu have had a run in with special investigator Amelia Seyruun, hot on the heels of an unscrupulous drug smuggler.

Amelia: I swear, justice shall be brought to this foul wrongdoer! No more innocent minds shall be polluted by his vile poisons!

Nathan: But Amelia, you use Funky Fruit regularly. Moreover, don’t you think it’s obscene to go around swearing?

Amelia: Oh no! He’s right, I’m just as evil as my quarry! Maybe I should turn myself in to the authorities. No, wait! Who’d take care of my baby?! Who’d be there to right wrongs for people in need?! And besides, it’d break daddy’s heart to see me in jail! I must stay free and right this wrong!

Nathan: Okay, just renounce your drug experimentation and everything will be hunky-dory.

Amelia: Hmm, I don’t know..

Nathan: Oh come on, it’s not like I asked you to Bow to me faith-full-y, bow to me dut-I-full-y.

Giant Funky Fruit explode from the ground, awash in flame, naked, horny, and stoned-off-his ass Zelgadis frolics around her, tempting her with a ripe, succulent Funky Fruit.

Amelia: Wahh! That’s not fair, Mr. Nathan!

Nathan: True, but I had to give Zelgadis a scene or two.

Soon as fleas find a dog, Amelia has glommed onto Zel, delirious with pent up sexual fervor.

Zel: Ahh! Get.Her.Off.Of.Me.Now!

Nathan: Hey, Amelia. If Zel’s here, then where’s the baby?

Amelia: What?! Oh no! I’ve got to find my baby!

Zel: Back at the village, safe and sound.

Amelia rushes off to find her miscreant offspring, leaving the guys to ponder what to do next.

Zel: This is only a temporary solution, you realize.

Nathan: I know. So put your clothes on already!

Shagourry: What’s with stuff exploding up from the ground so much recently, anyway?

Nathan: Another of my parlor tricks: Instant Temptation. It’s set off by the code sequence, "bow to me faith-full-y, bow to me dut-I-full-y"

Suddenly, Naked Everything begins frolicking around them. Chipmunks, Funky Fruit, worms, even Shaburanigdo pop out of the ground, awash in flames.

Shaburanigdo: Raaar!

Nathan: See?

Shagourry: Oh yeah.

In an instant, it all disappears.

Nathan: It’s just for effect, and I’m afraid I overused it a bit these past few times, but this is my big finale, so I wanted to see it one more time.

Scooby: You’re messed up.

Nathan: Thanks. In appreciation of your compliment, I’ll tell Kagome to make you Sit, instead of Playing Dead.

Scooby: Uh, yeah. Right.

Cutting this long tale short, the gang gets back together, set a trap for the monster (which Shag and Scoob screw up, per usual), and catch the villain/villainess, in this case, Naga (she was shipping the Funky Fruit off to the States).

Naga: And I would’ve got away with it, too, if it weren’t for these meddling kids and their cuute, little puppy. Oh ho ho ho!

Scooby: Cut that out! You’re killing my ears!

Freddyboo: Well, I, the Great Egaboo, will not simply hand my wife over without a lawyer present.

Amelia: Fear not! Even for criminals, justice will be done! I will postpone the arrest until a lawyer is found to defend Naga!

Nathan: That will be sometime. Anyway, it’s just a game, no one really broke any laws.

Everyone reverts back to Gourrigan’s Island gear, and a heavily chained Inu-Yasha is returned to Bishounen Island.

Gourrigan: But I never got my fifth back!

Queen of Swords: Sorry, I borrowed it for a couple o’ Whiskey Sours. <hic!>

Obviously, the Queen has had more than a "couple" of whiskey sours, as she is stumbling around the set, to the amusement of a few cameramen.

Xellos: Oh dear, do you need some help getting to bed?

Queen: (Leering at him) For you, anytime.

Xellos scoops up the Queen, and they both start giggling as they head for Naga and Egaboo’s hut. They’re so happy, they don’t even care that it’s painted to Naga’s taste.

Nathan: Well, sorry about your fifth, Gourrigan. Hey, I’ve got another in here!

Gourrigan: Thanks!

Nathan: Oh, by the way, anybody feel like a show?

All: Sure!

Nathan: Then, "bow to me faith-full-y, bow to me dut-I-fully"!

Naked bishounen explode from the ground, awash in flame (provided by Hiei) as naked bishoujyo frolic around the guys. They all begin swaying and dancing, as the sun sets, and long into the night. Funky Fruit is passed around freely, and a great time is had by all, even prudish Lina and depressed Zelgadis.

Rezo: Well, this is something of a first for you.

Nathan: It is?

Rezo: You’ve managed to write a story with a happy ending.

Nathan: You got that right!

Well, that concludes this episode of Gourrigan’s Island. No one got rescued, all original cast present and accounted for, even a few cast extras to provide new story angles. The Queen and her court satisfied, my play is complete, but if, in the immortal words of the Bard, "our play hast offended, then think it naught more than a dream, and we, it’s principal players". Bye bye!

The End. No, really!