How Mysterious
By Nathan Crews

The Man in the Black Hat was enjoying his day off, dreading the eminent return to work that every Monday brought, when something mysterious happened.

MitBH: How did I end up back on Gourrigan's Island? This better not involve that pod racer. I'd die if anyone found out I spiked the punch with Funky Fruit.

Inquisitor: Ah, Funky Fruit- almost as low in my book as rye. I prefer wheat myself.

MitBH: How'd you wind up back here?

Inquisitor: I came to direct my research assistants in collecting data on the magical powers these islanders have. You can see them hard at work now.

Indeed, many flying monkeys in miniature lab coats are poking, prodding, and running diagnostic checks on the castaways.

Lina: Hey, you mad scientist reject! Keep your paws offa me! Ooh, I've had it up to here with monkeys!

Amelia: No, I don't know how I draw power from the astral plane, I just do! Just! That's it! My strong sense of justice must have convinced the powers that be to aid me in my quest for righteousness and good!

Inquisitor: I think not. Now, answer the question, please.

Amelia: B-but I..

MitBH: No use arguing with him, once he sets his mind on something, he doesn't give up easily. Besides, if justice motivated them, why would they help Lina or Naga?

Lina: Don't say her name! It's bad luck!

Off camera Voice: OH HO HO HOHO!

Lina: NOO!

The camera pans out to show Naga and her husband, Egaboo. They both look a little older (for cartoons), and Naga is wearing a modest one-piece-well, modest by her standards.

Naga: Greetings, Lina Inverse! At last, we meet again Oh hohoho!

Egaboo: Hello once again, gentle folk of this ‘boo-forsaken isle. Have you missed me?

Lina: Like a toothache. Hey, Naga, when did you start wearing clothes?

Naga: Oh hoho, the wild days of my youth are behind me, Lina. I’ve become a mature and responsible woman since I married this man of mine. (Holds up ring.)

Cast: (Turning green.) Don’t remind us!

Gourrigan: Hey, you look different since you left. What happened?

Egaboo: It is a long story, which I am sure you would love to hear from me, the Great Egaboo.

Gourrigan: Well, not really..

Zelgadis: I’d rather make love to Amelia than hear it.

Amelia: (Eyes shining) Really?!

Zelgadis: Not when you put it like that.

Amelia: Shoot.

Egaboo: We were sailing the ocean blue, my bride to be and I, when bad weather came up. We were forced to ground on the Isle of Bishounen, where the unfriendly natives thought to steal away my love, but I, the Mighty Egaboo, vanquished the lot of them.

Naga: Now, now, dear, I believe you are forgetting that I was the one who defeated them?

Egaboo: But honey, I was telling the sto..

Naga: Tut, tut; I will have none of you’re fish stories!

Egaboo: Fish stories! In nine years, when have I, the Veritable Egaboo, ever told a stretcher?

Naga: I can think of a few occasions.

Lina: Whoa! Nine years! You’ve only been gone three months!

Naga: Lina, Lina! If you would simply listen to our tale, you would understand completely!

Egaboo: As I was saying, after the defeat of the pretty boy Bishounen, Naga and I, the Intrepid Egaboo, got a ride back to Japan, where we were married in all pomp and ceremony.

Cast: (Turning green.) Please don’t remind us!

Inquisitor: Are you enjoying your product Egaboo? I hope it lives up to your standards. Though I’m not sure what you intend to do with it.

Lina: You’ve been doing business with him?!

Inquisitor: I do business with anyone able to pay, especially when he has money.

Lina: Grrrr..

(as monkeys continue to prod her)

Egaboo: But I digress. After a lovely honeymoon..

Cast: (Turning green, some passing out) ewww!

Egaboo: ..My wife and I traveled the world in search of adventures. Climbing the Himalayas, exploring the jungles of Ecuador, and of course the greatest adventure of all,

Naga: Raising our two beautiful children, Peek-a-boo and Bugaboo.

Cast: Children! Nooo! Aggh!

Zelgadis: Oh well, it was a nice planet.

MitBH: It still is.

Naga: But alas, we left them in the care of the Father-Attending at the Silver Palace where honeybunch here teaches. (Elbowing Egaboo in the stomach.)

Egaboo: <gaff! > That was just before our trip to the Florida Keys..

Naga: Where we ended up in the Bermuda Triangle..

Egaboo: ..And wound up here and now.

Lina: OK, so you went to Bishounen Island, terrified them into giving you a lift back to Japan, explored the world, had kids, got lost in a space/time anomaly, and now you’re here, right?

Egaboo and Naga: That’s right!

Lina: Figures. Ow! Somebody stop that damned monkey!

MitBH: I still fit in those leiderhosen.

Lina: heh heh, never mind.

MitBH: Couldn’t afford it, anyway.

Muffled Voice: Wha abo’ meef?

Everyone except MitBH and Inquisitor: Huh?

Xellos: (Popping out of Egaboo’s suitcase.) Whew! Finally managed to pull myself together.

Firia: I thought you got rid of that Mazoku garbage!

Xellos: (Casting Mute spell on Firia) Actually, he recycles.

Inquisitor: Recycling saves money. Plus, you get more consumers because they think you’re environmentally friendly.

Martina: Hey, is there even a plot to all of this?

MitBH: Not unless someone else is writing.

Inquisitor: You could always buy one you know.

Lina: No way! Who knows what you’d have us doing next.

Inquisitor: That just might be the plot.

Gourrigan: I think we’d better quit while we’re ahead.

Xellos: I’ll make you pay for letting people cut me up!

Inquisitor: Look, I sold you twice, both times as something else. I thought you’d admire my beautiful duplicity.

Egaboo: You mean it’s not a Picasso?

Inquisitor: Actually the physician that cut him up was named Picasso.

Xellos: I told you!

Naga: How avant garde!

Egaboo: Anything for you dear!

Lina: (Grabbing front of MitBH’s shirt) Please! Tell me they’re not staying! Tell me they are not staying!

MitBH: Okay, they’re not staying. Did telling you that make you feel better?

Lina: Yes, it did. Now when are they leaving?

MitBH: Probably never.

Lina: WHAT! You just said..

MitBH: I just said what you asked me to. That doesn’t automatically make it true.

Firia: Where’s my video?

Inquisitor: Right here.

Firia: I need a VCR and a TV to see this.

Inq: (grinning) I’ll sell you one.

Firia: Okay, I’m game. What do I have to do?

Inq: Dragons hoard treasure so two tons of gold bullion and a 640 carat diamond.

Firia: What?! I don’t hoard treasure!

Inq.: Surely in all your years you’ve met some dragon who does.

Firia: Sure but they won’t just give me treasure.

Inq.: Use your feminine charms.

Firia strikes at Inquisitor with mallet. Inquisitor’s monkey flies over and grabs mallet just before it strikes.

Firia: Hey! Not fair.

Inq.: Hmm, no magic on it. Hmm, I’ll just have to use it for something. I know.

Inquisitor whispers into monkey’s ear. Monkey grimaces then flies away.

Lina: What’s he up to?

Zel: I don’t know but it probably isn’t good.

Inq: By the way Zel I’ve got a special cream for skin that should make those stones just melt away.

Zel: What??!!!!!

MitBH: Ooh, that’s gonna be expensive.

Inq: Just bow down and work for me.

MitBH: Bow to him faith-full-y, bow to him dut-i-fully.

Demonic chipmunks rise up out of the sand, awash in flames as naked women frolic around Zel, tempting him to "work" for the Inquisitor. Suddenly, Zel makes his decision and it all disappears.

Zel: I’ll do it.

Lina: Are you crazy?! You’ve got no idea what he’ll do to you once you ‘work’ for him. And what’s with those chipmunks and nude pin-ups?

Inq: Pin-ups were for temptation and I owed the chipmunks a favor. They wanted to ogle the pin-ups. The chipmunks occasionally do vocals for me.

Zel: Enough talk. Now give me the cream.

Inquisitor tosses tube of cream to Zelgadis. Zelgadis puts cream on his skin and it instantly turns into regular skin except that it’s still blue.

Amelia’s eyes turn into hearts.

Amelia: You’re more dreamy than ever!!

Zel: I thought this stuff was supposed to cure me.

Inq: I just said it would get rid of the stones. Now for your first job.

Inquisitor takes Zelgadis aside and begins speaking in a low tone. Suddenly Zel screams and then begins crying. He hands the cream back to the Inquisitor and shuffles away as his skin begins to become scaly and then returns to its stony complexion.

Lina: What could have been so awful to do that he’d give up his cure?

Gourrigan: I don’t know but it looks like he’s walking into the lagoon to drown himself.

Lina: You fiend, you just wanted to see if stones could float!?

Inq: He’s completely overreacting.

Inquisitor snaps his fingers. Suddenly a strange ooze in the lagoon surrounds Zel and returns him to shore.

Zel: (tearfully) Are you still going to make me do it?

Inq: Seeing as you forsook the cure you are no longer required to do my will. But there is the matter of breach of contract so do this.

Inquisitor hands letter to Zel. Zel covers his face with his hands then marches over to Amelia, grabs her and passionately kisses her. Amelia completely loses it and begins trying to rip off Zel’s clothes. Flying monkeys grab her at that point and fly away with her.

Xellos: Well, those henchmen sure are convenient.

Lina: You know what he’s up to?!

Xellos: Of course I do.

Everyone: Well?!

Xellos: It’s a secret.

Lina: (Grabbing Xellos by collar) Well this is one secret you’re not keeping or.. Darkness Beyond Twilight, Crimson Blood Which Flows..

Xellos: Now now, no need for hostilities.

Lina: Buried in the Flow of Time..

Inq.: That’s completely unnecessary considering I’ll be very happy to tell what I’ve done.

Lina: While you’re at it tell us what you asked Zel to do that was so horrible he gave up his cure.

Inq: With pleasure. First, my plans for Amelia: since she never could tell me what I wanted to know, I simply had to motivate her. Since her magical powers tend to increase when she’s excited, I simply needed something to entice the secret out of her. Zelgadis was the obvious choice, but I had to motivate him. So, a favor for a favor.

Gourrigan: I don’t quite get your meaning.

Lina: Well I do! You pervert!

Inq.: How am I perverse? I simply asked him to do one job for me in return for a partial cure. Since he broke the contract, though, I couldn’t force him to seduce her. But I still needed the data. So I had him perform a lesser task; as it turned out, the reaction was quite sufficient. I now have the information I require to draw power from the astral planes without sacrificing my soul. But I will require Amelia for further study, which answers both of your questions.

Firia: I still want to know what you’re planning to do with my mallet.

Inq.: I don’t want to divulge that just yet.

Xellos: In other words, it’s a SECRET!

Rezo: Am I even in this episode?

MitBH: I don’t think so. Hey, we’ve got three priests and an Inquisitor. Anyone up for a revival?

Xellos: Depends on what we’re reviving.

MitBH: Forget I asked. I need a vacation from this. Maybe I should go to work.

Nah!

As the sun sets on Gourrigan’s Island, Naga and Egaboo try to get Xellos to build them a hut-unsuccessfully. The Inquisitor departs, leaving everyone a little more nervous that he’ll come for them next. And the Man in the Black Hat? He goes on to a successful career-that he hate! But the money’s good, so who cares?!

"Good night everybody"-Yakko Warner.

THE END.