One Good Deed
By Nathan Crews

On a day when the waves were calm, the breezes gentle, and the mood subdued on Gourrigan’s Island, Amelia was trying to teach her infant son the importance of justice.

Amelia: J! U! S! T! I! C! E! JUSTICE! Got it?

Baby: Heh he he eh heh! { I’ve got it, mother.}

Amelia: Justice is the reason that good will always triumph over evil! Justice is the burning flame of hope that drives us onward! Justice is!

Just then, the Man in the Black Hat walked by. But, he was dressed so oddly that Amelia didn’t recognize him at first. Instead of his usual jeans, black hat and long-sleeved shirt (which would’ve been unbearable in the tropical heat.), he wore a green gi and a headband with the symbols "ran dou sen sei" written on it.

Amelia: Mr. Nathan! What are you doing here?

Baby: Mu mu reglabuu he he he! { She finally shut up! That’s what I call justice!}

Nathan: (in artificial, emotionless voice) I have come to do one good deed…

Amelia: Bravo!

Nathan: And offset it with three evil deeds.

Amelia: What?! No villain can so blatantly scheme to do evil without fear of the Hammer of Justice!

Nathan: (Picks up baby) Hullo, you seem to have put on weight since I last saw you.

Amelia: He is a growing child, you know.

Nathan: Not him, you, you bloated, naive, sophomoric nincompoop! Geez it’s no wonder Zelgadis hates your guts and hopes you’ll wither and die!

Amelia: (On the verge of tears) Th-that’s not true! Take it back!

Nathan: Oh, no. You see, you’re just the comic relief around here. Even if you try to oppose me, you’ll only wind up looking dumb. And Zelgadis could never love a dumb, rude, uncoordinated little girl like you.

Amelia completely loses it, and breaks down sobbing.

Nathan: Come on, runt, let’s go see the rest of the gang.

Amelia: I’m <sniff> not going anywhere with you! <sniff>

Nathan: Not you, the baby.

Nathan walks off, muttering to himself.

Nathan: One down, two to go.

Nathan enters the village and looks around for signs of life. Just then, he spots Rezo and Xelloss playing shogi (after they both realized the other was cheating at chess)

Xelloss: (on his knees) Please! Let me do over!

Rezo: (Holding up sign) "No do overs"

Xelloss: Please!

Rezo: (Flipping sign around) "No means NO!

Nathan: Great, without proper supervision, they regress into even more childish characters. Well, let’s have some fun, ne?

Nathan puts the baby down, pulls up his typewriter, and begins typing. Suddenly, a bus filled with screaming nuns falls on top of the unsuspecting shogi players, then dramatically bursts into flame.

Nathan: HA ha ha ha! Evil enough for ya?

Baby: Ooh gagoodadoo! {Damn, this guy’s the best role model a kid could have!}

Lina, Gourrigan, Martina, Zangulus, Naga, Egaboo, and Zelgadis come running into the clearing. Firia and Michael the Red priest simply teleport in.

Zelgadis: What the Hell?!

Firia: How did this happen? Mike, what’s wrong?

Mike: I sense a great evil at work here.

Nathan: HA ha ha! Correct! Nothing more wicked than a guest writer with no agendas!

Michael: Who the hell are you?!

Nathan: Oh, you probably didn’t recognize me without the black hat. Sorry.

Michael: Nathan?! Why are you doing this? You’ve never done anything this, this..

Nathan: Evil? Insane?

Xelloss: (Pulling himself and Rezo out from under six tons of twisted wreckage and charred nuns.) Weird?

Zangulus: Have you lost your mind? What gives?

Nathan: I’ll answer that question if you meet my challenge, LI-Na INVERSE! Mu hu ha ha ha!

Lina: Oh, I get it. You’re supposed to be an anime villain.

Nathan: (looking a tad deflated) Oh, you figured it out.

Lina: Look, just tell us what the hell you’re up to, and we won’t have to get violent, okay?

Nathan: (Pouting, as best a grown man can) But I thought you’d like my challenge..

Lina: Geez! Okay, what’s the stupid challenge?

Nathan: Ah ha! I challenge you to NOT eat these delicious fudge brownies!

Lina: (mouth watering) Fudge..brownies…yum!

Naga: OH HO HO! Lina, Lina, it’s a trick, can’t you see he’s trying to use your own gluttony against you?

Sylphiel: (Walking into clearing with Amelia in tow) No Lina! He’ll do something awful to you!

Lina: Like I didn’t already know that! All right, fine. I won’t eat ‘em.

Nathan: Good. Then I’ll tell you what’s up. To offset the good deed I intend to do at the end of this episode, I must perform three evil deeds. I’ve already blown Amelia’s self esteem to smithereens, and dropped a bus load of burning nuns on Rezo and Xelloss, now I have one evil deed left.

Everyone tenses, expecting just about anything from the deranged guest writer.

Gourrigan: (taking the plate of brownies) Yum! Dese are pre’y goo’!

Gourrigan falls over and convulses.

Sylphiel: Gourrigan dear!

Lina: (Look of Death in her eyes) What did you do to him?!

Nathan: Oh, those were hash brownies. He should be all right, so long as he doesn’t have more than three. Otherwise, it’s sayonara, sword slinger.

Michael: (Stepping up to Nathan, battle aura streaming.) Undo this. Now!

Nathan: Party pooper. (Typing) Gourrigan recovers from his overdose, and gains two IQ points.

Gourrigan: Gee, I feel kinda weird. Hey Sylphiel, would you cook dinner for me?

Sylphiel: Of course, Gourrigan dear.

Gourrigan: Hey, waitaminute. You’ve got a thing for me, don’t you, Sylphiel?

Gasps from the entire cast.

Sylphiel: Why, yes I do Gourrigan dear.

Gourrigan: I thought so. Hey, Lina!

Lina: Yeah, Gourrigan?

Gourrigan: You’d just pound me if I told you I liked you, so I think I’ll take Sylphiel instead.

Sylphiel: Gourrigan dear!

Gourrigan: Sylphiel!

The two run toward each other and embrace, surrounded by that hazy yellow and purple light.

Lina: (Standing there, slack jawed) B-but I’m the star! I’m supposed to be with the leading man! This isn’t fair! (Everything goes black except for a single spotlight on Lina, as the camera spins to show her at different angles) This can’t be happening! I don’t believe it, I won’t!

Zelgadis: Uh-oh, looks like she’s losing it.

Martina: You don’t mean,..

Zelagdis: Yup, here come the water works.

Lina bawls uncontrollably.

Suddenly, everything blacks out. Fade in of Lina, sleeping in the girls’ hut. She is awakened by a piece of paper falling on her face.

Lina: Huh? <yawn!> What’s this? (reads) "Dear Lina, this may come as quite a shock, but my one good deed was never coming to the island to make this episode. As none of you will remember my three deeds of unspeakable iniquity, I feel no need to apologize. Sincerely, Nathan the Man in the Black Hat." What the heck is he talking about? Waitaminute! That weird dream! That must’ve been what he meant! ‘No need to apologize,’ my ass! When I get my hands on him, I’ll wring his neck!

Amelia: <yawn!> It’s too early, Miss Lina. Go back to<sigh> bed. Zzz.

Lina: (Thinking to herself) How dare he make me look like a fool?! Next time he’s here, I’ll make him pay!

The next morning, as Lina walked down to the beach, she saw an unusual sight; Gourrigan, sitting in the sand, listening to the surf, eating..brownies?!

Lina: Gourrigan! No!!

Gourrigan: Huh? Hey Lina, you’re up early!

Lina: Don’t eat those brownies!

Gourrigan: Why not?

Lina: Hey, you don’t feel weird or anything, do you?

Gourrigan: No.

Lina: Then gimme those brownies!

Gourrigan: Huh? Hey, those are my brownies!

And so this chapter in the Gourrigan’s Island saga ends, with Lina and Gourrigan stuffing themselves silly on brownies.

The Ridiculous End.