Fear And
Loathing On Gourrigan's Island
by Destructo Dustpan (aka: Shabby BigToe)
It was the infamous Zelgadis and disguised Xellos scene from Zelgadis on the couch.
Zelgadis walked toward the supposed nude Lara Sorez with a garfunkly look on his face.
Lina: Cut! Cut! Cut!
Zelgadis: What is it now Lina? I told you I want to get this over with as
soon as possible!
Lara Sorez pulls off her mask to reveal Xellos.
Xellos: Lina! This nude
Lara Sorez costume is much to hot! Lets have Gourry play her part I'm taking a coffee
break!
Lina: Quit whining Xellos! I'm going for realism in this movie and
your the guy for the part! And Zelgadis try to look enthusiastic about this! You havnt
found out it's Xellos yet!
Zelgadis: That's it! I quit!
Xellos: Me too Lina! I don't want the evil Zelgadis to rape me!
Zelgadis: Why you!!!!
Lina: We'll never make this movie if you two act like this!
Suddenly a large fireball rips apart the set to reveal the usual Gourrigans Island
scenery. Lina looks over to see a bizarre creature sprawled out on the beach where the
fireball hit. The four armed creature gets up. It has a horses main with horns going down
it's back and a metal dustpan with two eye holes cut through it on it's face. And it's
feat look like chicken legs.
Zelgadis: I've seen a lot
of weird things but this puts all of them to shame.
Destructo Dustpan: OHOHOHO! You dare challenge the great Destructo
dustpan! Son of Xelas Metallium and the monstrous Zoamal Gustar!
Lina: Wait! That thing sounds like Naga and it's the son of a dark lord
and Martinas imaginary friend? This isn't my day!
Martina: Your the son of ZoamalGustar sama? How's he been? Can I have his
autograph?
Zelgadis: Wait a minute I thought Zoamal Gustar wasn't real!
Destructo Dustpan: Oh it's you! You must be that annoying Martina person
dad is always grumbling about. He says you make him look like he's not real and he called
you poo head!
Martina: WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Lina! ZoamalGustar thinks I'm a poo head! I'm
so ashamed I'm going to jump off a cliff!
Destructo Dustpan: Just kidding!
Everyone falls on their faces.
Zelgadis: Lina get rid of
him! He's ten times more annoying then Xellos! Get rid of him!
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows,etc
Destructo Dustpan: Ooooh boy the dragon slave! Lay one on me right on the
face baby!
Lina: DRAGON SLAVE! Don't call me baby!
A large ball of fire and black magic hits him ground zero and blows away a large chunk of the island. But when the dust clears....
Destructo Dustpan: Oooh
boy that smarts!
Lina: Oh no it didn't work! I'm betting everything on the Raguna blade!
Lina conjures up the Raguna blade and jumps at Destructo dustpan who does that ninja trick and catches it in his hands before it touches his face.
Destructo Dustpan:
Yoowwweee this things hot! Lina there's a slug on your back!
Lina: EEEEEEEEEK!
Destructo Dustpan trips her and the Raguna blade fly's out of her hand and chops a large
boulder in half sending shards of rock flying everywhere!
Destructo Dustpan: Hey you
guys scene Michael the red priest? He owes me money!
Zelgadis: I don't know where he is! I'll find him if you'll just leave!
Martina: Don't talk that way to him! He's the son of ZoamalGustar sama!
Xellos: Hey ShabbyBigtoe!
Destructo Dustpan grabs Xellos's face.
Destructo Dustpan: None of
you guys heard what he just said ?
Gourrigan:Your names Shabranigdo?
Everyone falls over!
Lina: Gourry how did you
learn to say that name correctly?
Xellos: No his names ShabbyBigtoe! Destructo Dustpan is his nick name
sorta like how chaos dragon for Gaav or Hellmaster for Phibrizzo. His real name is
ShabbyBigtoe!
Destructo Dustpan grabs Xellos by the neck.
Destructo Dustpan: Why do
you always tell that to people? You were always moms favorite! Always picking on me!
Waaaaaaaaah! It's so sad!
Xellos: You big baby! You call yourself a dark lord!
Destructo Dustpan: That's it Xellos prepare to die!
Lina sneaks up and pulls off his dustpan. There's another one underneath. She pulls it of again and again and again until there's a pile of dustpans on the floor.
Destructo Dustpan: Are you through? Only Mozoko can remove my dustpan!
Xellos try's to sneak up but Destructo dustpan pokes his fake Lara Sorez boob and water sprays out all over Zelgadis.
Xellos: That was mean! I
spent all day trying to make this look authentic! What's that under your arm?
Destructo Dustpan: Oh I almost forgot! It's a box of lucky plot device
charms! Their magically suspicious!
Lina: Plot devices? Wait you aren't a guest writer?
Destructo Dustpan: Well sort of I guess...
Lina: Unnnngh! Shoot me! just shoot me! Well, get on with the story!
Destructo Dustpan: Err right! Xellos and Gourry eat these.
Xellos resists while Gourry digs in.
Destructo Dustpan force feeds Xellos. Suddenly the two of them get all blurry and fuse
together! Everyone watches as a new horror is born! The amalgamated Xellos and Gourrry has
pink hair as long as Gourrys and squinty eyes like Xellos.
Xourry: Oh wow Lina! Shabadoogeyo made me get pink hair! How did it get
pink? That must be a secret!
Destructo Dustpan: By fusing them I've multiplied they're most annoying
quality's ten fold! Have a nice day I'm going to go find Michael the red priest and let
the story write itself!
Lina: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ive never met such an irresponsible guest writer!
Gourry was my boyfriend (well, sort of)! We've got to change him back! Anyone know how to
change him back?
Xourry: I do but that's a secret!
Lina: Tell me! Or else it's dragon slave time!
Xourry: But if you dragonslave me I might die and there wont be any point
to finding the cure. Maybe it'll cure Zalguildos. I'm hungry! I'm going to go eat
everything in out our food supply. If you need something in it you might want to get it
now.
Zelgadis: Lina we need to find the cure very quickly! If we don't we'll
starve and our names we'll be forever mispronounced and the reason their mispronounced
will be a secret!
Amelia walks onto the scene.
Amelia: Miss Lina who's
that?
Xourry: That's either a secret or I forgot who I am.
Lina: Amelia some weird monster came on the Island and fused Gourry and
Xellos with a plot device!
Amelia: How very unjust! We must find this monster and punish him in the
name of Justice!
Suddenly a poof is heard and a map falls
out of the sky. It's a map of the island. In the jungle is an X marked cure! Something's
written under the map: "Lina the cure is at the X on the island. Only Zelgadis can
find the cure. The reason why only Zelgadis can find the cure is a secret. Only one female
person may accompany Zelgadis and Xourry on this quest. The reason for that
is also a secret. You must battle pass all the obstacles and perform the spell for the
cure before seven tonight or Xourry will remain fused. Also Zelgadis will find his head
magically fused onto Nagas body if the curse isn't revered by seven tonight."
Zelgadis: What are you
people waiting for? Lets get going!
Lina: Agreed but something seams strange....
Zelgadis: Who cares! I don't want to be Naga! Come along Xourry we need
to find your cure!
Amelia: Yes! I Amelia Wil Telsa of Serun shall accompany you in the name
of Justice! We shall smite evil and save Mr. Xourry!
Lina: Sorry Amelia but your staying! I'm going with Zelgadis and Xourry
because I have allot of cool attack spells and all you have are justice rants!
Amelia: BUT MISS LINNNNAAAA!!!!!
Lina: And stop calling me miss Lina! Lets go!
Narrator: And so our brave but disgruntled heroes set out to find the
magical cure before it's to late! But it's already 5:00! Will they make it in time!
Lina: Fireball!
Narrator: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!
Lina: Those stupid narrators get on my nerves!
Xourry: Mr. Zequadis, what will you do if you get fused on Naga?
Zelgadis: Shut up!
Xourry: But Mr. Zangulus! Your life will be ruined! You'll need to shop
for girlie underwear and it'll ...
Zelgadis tries to throw a punch at Xourry but he uses Xellos's disappearing power and appears in front of Zelgadis!
Xourry: And you wont even
get to say it's a secret!
Lina: Come on you guys lets just find the cure and get it over with!
They come to a clearing in the jungle. Lina looks at the map.
Lina: Hmmmm it should be
around here somewhere! Now where's that X?
Xourry: That's a mfshos--
Zelgadis puts his hand over Xourrys mouth.
Xourry: I'm hungry!
(chomp)! Owwww!
Zelgadis: Gee I'll have to thank Rezo for the skin when we get back.
Lina starts to dig by an X that Zelgadis stepped on but then something runs out at her! It's Yogi bear but he's a zombie! Flesh is rotting off his bones.
Yogi: Give me your picnic
basket of give me your souls!
Lina: DIL BRANDO!
Xourry: DIL PICKLES!
The zombified yogi bear gets blown up and pickles rain down on his corpse which Xourry eats!More Zombified Hanna Barbara characters appear. Lina finishes digging out a box and they run inside a spooky looking mansion that conveniently appeared. The Zombies are all outside led by Michael Jackson himself! Lina runs up the stairs with Zelgadis and Xourry. At the top room they find a man who looks suspiciously like Charleton Heston has the door locked. Heston lets them in. Lina looksout the window to see the zombies trying to get in. Heston turned on some lights on his house and the zombies backed off.
Michael Jackson shouts: Come out Neville!
Zelgadis had a thought.
Zelgadis: Lina... I think
that dustpan monster is trying to parody the movie Omega man. It had Charleton Heston
fighting zombies...
Lina: Not now Zelgadis it's 6:55! We need to cast the spell now!
Xourry: But I'm hungry! Why don't you and Mr. Zack just leave me like
this!
Lina: Were casting the spell whether you like it or not!
Lina takes something out of the box. There
is a book of songs from Urusei Yatsura and two tiger striped bikinis! The instructions say
"To reverse the fused condition to of the fused persons friends must put on these
magical bikinis and sing the Urusei Yatsura song from the end of movie 5."
Lina hands one to Zelgadis.
Lina: Put it on!
Zelgadis: NO! Anything but that!
Lina: If you don't do it You'll be wearing this sort of thing for the
rest of your life! Is that what you want?
Zelgadis: All right but if anyone hears about this whoever tells will
have hell to pay!
Xourry: All right it's a secret Mr. Zoogegadis!
Zelgadis: All right lets do this!
They both dress up in the bikinis. The Hanna Barbara zombies break in.
Zelgadis shouts: What are
you people looking at? Fireball!" KA-BOOM! Lina: Man Zelgadis dressing up in a bikini
makes you act like me! Lets start singing!
Nevil and the remaining zombies watch in amazement as they start singing!
(Subtitles Japanese language)
I climbed onto the roof : Okujoo ni nobotte
and was looking down on Saturday: doyoobi no hodoo ga
The patchwork on this roads keep on going :Tsugihagi no hodoo ga
just like a gameboard. :gameban mitai ni tsuzuku yo.
Don't laugh it just messes me up: Warawanaide ne mune mo doko ka ga
the rhythm in some part of my heart:rythm o midashiteiru dake.
To a girl who can see no-no-no—Mieru ko ni wa no-no-no-
There are things that can be scene :mieru koto ga aru yo.
If I threw popcorn into the blue sky :Aozora ni popcorn nagete
and made it snow, yuki o furasetara
Oh would you think it was wonderful ? :kitto oh kimi ga suteki do to omou
I wonder if I can say : Minna suki kirai
if I like something or not ? :iya na koto wa iya to ieru ka na?
I laid my cheek on the icey rail :Hiekitta tesuri ni
and held my breath. :hoo o tsuke iki o tometa.
The buildings all look aslant : Tachinarabu buitachi
as if their sleeping : neteru yoo ni mieru yo naname ni.
It'll be a different world once you wipe your tears: Namida fuitara chigau sekai ne.
Wait for me in the middle of your smile.: Egao no tochuu de mattete
To a girl who understands no-no-no-:Wakaru ko ni wa no no no
there are things to be understood :Wakaru koto ga aru yo
Hey tomarow must be : Nee ashita nante
just a continuation of now :kitto ima no tsuzuki da ne.
Oh, the clouds must become rain someday :Kumo ga oh itsuka ame ni naru dake sa
There are times when you just do what you can: Minna suki kirai
whether you like it or not. :yareru toki wa yareru sore wa dake sa
Even in such a high place as this : Konna takai basho datte
the stars all number the same. :hoshi no kazu nara onaji da yo.
Lina: Man that song was long but we finished just in time!
Zelgadis: Lina I haven't been this humiliated since chapter four of
Zelgadis on the couch!
Xellos: Oh don't be so hard on yourself! You did very well Zelgadis!
Zelgadis: If you tell anyone about this I'll do everything in my power to
make you pay!
They had forgotten about the Hanna Barbara zombies and were now surrounded. Magilla
Gorilla jumped at Zelgadis who chopped his head off with his sword, spewing blood all
over!
Lina: Get back everyone it's dragonslave time! Darkness beyond twilight crimson beyond blood that flows etc... Dragonslave!!!!!!!
Lina blows away all the zombies! The flaming head of Scrappy doo crashes through the roof of Amelias hut, landing in front of a naked Amelia.
Amelia: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Later on Lina, Zelgadis and company show up by the huts.
Xellos: I know a secret
about Zelgadis everyone!
Zelgadis: Shut up!!!!!!!!!
Destructo dustpan sits out on the beach and he has a psychiatry couch with him. On the couch was an action figure of EVA unit one.
Martina: Dustpan sama!
what are you doing with that couch?
Destructo Dustpan: I'm analyzing Hellmasters psychology. A peice of him
got stuck in my unit one action figure. So Hellmaster how do you feel about your mother
the Lord of Nightmares?
Hellmaster: She scares me!
Destructo dustpan: Is that why you scream like a little wussy whenever
shes around?
Hellmaster: What kind of psychologist are you? Your just making fun of
me!
Destructo Dustpan: That's because your what Shinji Ikari would be like if
he was an all powerful Dark Lord and that's why your my least favorite slayers character
and that's why I'm tormenting you Muhahahaha!
Hellmaster: Hey you wanna fight?
Destructo Dustpan womps him over the head with one of his dustpans.
Destructo Dustpan: But
your such a tiny piece you cant hurt me Nyah nyah!
Suddenly Xelas Metalium and the Lord of Nightmare pop out of nowhere.
Hellmaster:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! It's her! I'm scared EEEEEEEEEEEK!
DestructoDustpan: Stop screaming in my ear you wussy boy! (wham!)
Hellmaster: Unnnggh
L-sama: Oh hello there dustpan. Xelas and I were having revealing photos
taken of us for Dark lords illustrated down on the other side of the beach and I lost the
keys to my Ford. Have you scene them around?
DestructoDustpan: Nope haven't scene them!
L-sama walks over and starts playing with the action figure whos screaming like a little girlie man. Martina runs up to Xelas.
Martina: You know Zoamal
Gustar sama?
Xelas makes a funny face.
Xelas: ShabbyBigtoe! I told you never to tell anyone about that!
The rest of the slayers cast comes out to see what's going on.
Lina: Hey I've been
meaning to ask you some questions Xelas....
A man who looks just like Ryoji Kaji comes up and puts his hands over Xelas's eyes.
Xelas: What the?.... who
dares put their hands on the face of the great beast?
Zoamal Gustar: It's been a long time Xelas!
Xelas: No not you!!!! Zoamal Gustar!
Everyone else falls over and Lina gets up.
Lina: Wait... your Zoamal
Gustar? I always thought Martina made you up!
Zoamal Gustar: No Lina as you can see I'm quite real! Remember the mecha
golem Martina had witch you blew up? I was trapped inside of there! I was able send
telepathic messages to influence Martina but she wasn't smart enough to figure out how to
let me out.
Martina: Now wait a just a second...
Zoamal Gustar: In any case Lina if you hadn't released me I never would
of met Xelas honey and I would of been trapped forever! I owe it all to you!
Xelas: Zoamal Gustar! Going out with you was the biggest mistake in my
life! Lina I'll get you for this! I will have my Revenge!
Zoamal Gustar: Oh I didn't notice you over there Xellos! I hear good
things about you!
Xellos: Well ummmm....
Zoamal Gustar: So tell me Is Xelas still wild in bed?
Everyone contorts into a weird freaked out position and Xelas turns bright red.
Xelas: This isn't happening! It's a nightmare!
Xellos starts to answer but Xelas covers his mouth.
Xelas: Xellos cant you keep a secret?
One day later
Zelgadis: Hey dustpan! Why are you still here? You aren't planning to
dress me up again? Because if you are...
Destructo Dustpan: That's a secret! No actually it isn't. The reason I'm
still here is this story hasn't ended yet!
Zelgadis(deadpan): what?........
Zangulus is listening in and grabs Zelgadis
by the arm pulling him behind a tree.
Zangulus: Zelgadis I'm worried about Martina.... Ever since yesterday
she's been acting strangely. She Wouldn't sleep with me last night and she keeps on
talking about Lina.
Zelgadis (deadpan): what?......... She wouldnt sleep with you? Now I'm
scared!
Lina walks out to go get something to eat and suddenly Martina pops out of the bushes with
some burgers. She's dressed like Lina.
Martina: Lina sama! I got
you your lunch!
Lina: Errrr..... thanks Martina... Why the generosity? You didn't
put something in these burgers? And why are you dressed like me?
Martina: Of course I didn't put anything in the burgers! Lina now that I
know you rescued Zoamal Gustar Sama I'm going to be your ally, protector, protege
and all around best friend from now on! I'll never leave your side Lina sama!
Xellos is following DestructoDustpan around trying to pull of his mask.
Xellos: Come on cant you
give a guy a break? I just wanna see if you got wrinkles!
DestructoDustpan: If you give a guy a break you'll end up broken! (pow!)
Xellos gets knocked down the beach.
To be continued...............................