Fight! It's Fio vs. Harrison in,
Sword and Sorcery!
by Fionavar al'Dara and Harrison Barber

Well, it's another day on Gourrigan's Island. Except for the fact that Fionavar is here, with her idiot son, and her idiot son's idiot father. Oh yes, and there's a duel scheduled for high noon, except it's 12:04, and Fionavar's fuming.

  "Gods! Where is that Harrison?" Fio exclaims.
  "I don't know," Lina says. "I haven't seen him since the last time he was here."
  "You're real helpful," Fio mutters.
  "I haven't seen him either," Gourrigan puts in.
  "I haven't seen anything," Rezo grumbles.
  Fionavar stamps her foot in frustration. "He's late! If there is one thing I cannot abide, it's people who aren't punctual!"
  "Mother, your blood pressure?" Bastian says.
  "I'm not in character at the moment, Bastian," Fio says, "but thanks for reminding me." She counts silently to ten. 1--2--3--4--5--6--7--8--9--10. "Okay, better."
  "Good," says James. "It would not be good if you suddenly exploded on us."
  Fio puts a hand up to silence him. "Sssh. I hear something."
  Everyone strains their ears, but they can't hear a thing.
  "She's lost it," Lina mutters.
  "Sssh!" Fio hisses. With her sensitive elven ears, she has detected the whine of a high speed jetboat motor. She scans the horizon. "Look!" she exclaims triumphantly, pointing wildly.
  Everyone follows her finger and see a tiny speck on the horizon.
  "What is that?" Gourrigan asks dumbly.
  "A high speed jetboat, if I didn't miss my guess entirely," says James.
  Fio gives him a kiss on the cheek. "That's right," she laughs. "Harrison must think to make a suprise attack from that boat."
  "Genius, love," James says.
  "I'm out of character, James," she says. Then she laughs maniacally. "Harrison Barber isn't going to outsmart Fionavar al'Dara!" She looks around for something to use as a weapon...and her eyes fix on Bastian's spellbook.
  "I don't think, Fionavar." Bastian tightens the chain that keeps the book around his waste.
  "Oh, but I do think so." She snaps the chain easily with her telenetic powers and snatches the book. "Yoink!"
  "Aw crap," Bastian muters.
  "Don't say 'crap' in front of your mother," James says.
  "She's out of character!" Lina and Rezo snap.
  "You don't need to bite my head off!" James snaps back.
  "Quit it!" Fio says irritably. "I'm trying to work here!" She flips through the spellbook, looking for the spell she wants. "Aw ha!" she exclaims triumphantly. "Now we're getting somewhere."
  "Not a chance, Fionavar!" Bastian cries. "You can't control that spell out of character!"
  Fionavar face faults. "You're right," she says. "I have to get IC!" She closes her eyes and moves her hand across her face. Instantly, her hunter green string bikini and lavender celtic-knot thing wrap around dissapear, to be replaced by a long blue gown and lavender brocade cloak. Her auburn hair becomes a long think braid flipped over her left shoulder, and a sky blue stone hangs on her forhead, suspended by a golden chain. She looks every bit the Keldyn empress.
  Bastian smiles and gives her a big hug. "I missed you, mom," he says.
  Fionavar smiles. "You're crowding me, son," she says. "I think your daddy wants to say hello too."
  James gives her a long kiss, then holds her tightly. "You have to get to work, love," he says.
  "Of course," she replies. She cracks her fingers over her head and starts her recitation. "Source of all power that shines within me come forth here and now and bring me the waters! Tsunami crash!"
  A huge wall of water rushes out from her fingers and races towards the jetboat, which has grown quite a bit larger on the horizon by now.
  Xellos comes out of a hut. "What's going on out...what the hell?"
  "Hello, Xellos," Fionavar says with a smile. "I'm making some Mazuko-like mischief."
  "Without me? Fio, I'm hurt." Xellos goes back in his hut to pout.
  "Holy-look-at-that!" Rezo exclaims.
  "What?" Lina and Gourrigan exclaim.
  "Nothing. I can't see, remember?"
  But they looked anyway, and saw the tsumani swamp the jetboat.
  Fio chuckles. "Well, I suppose I win."
  Bastian tugs on her sleeve. "Uh, mom?"
  "Yes, love?"
  "What if Harrison wasn't on that boat?"
  "Whatever do you mean, son?"
  He points up. Everyone follows his finger, and see Harrison Barber, floating on a flying carpet and grinning nonchalantly at them.
  Fionavar sweardrops. "It's just not my day." She snaps her fingers and reverts to her out of character form.

***

  "Ah, diversions." says Harrison happily. "Diversions, diversions, diversions." Suddenly, he looks puzzled. "Diversions?" He thinks for a moment, then nods to himself. "Diversions." And then there are ten Harrisons conga-ing around Fionavar and family, three more doing a Cossack dance near the huts, one playing paper, rock, scissors with Lina, one still on the flying carpet playing a Game Boy, and one on the beach trying, apparently, to meditate. Fionavar spins around, trying to detect which is the real one. She hears a noise behind her and spins around again - one of the Harrisons has fired a force bolt at her. She can't tell which one, but...

*** 

  Fionavar reacts quickly, snapping into her IC form.The force bolt crashes harmlessly off a shield spell Bastian threw around his mother the second Harrison appeared.
  "Mom, are you alright?" Bastian asks, concerned.
  Fionavar seems dazed; she stares incredulously at the dancing Harriosn clones. Her eyes narrow when she sees Lina and one of the clones playing Ro-Sham-Bo, but the simple solution to the problem eludes her. She fumes, stamps her foot, and throws a very uncharacteristic temper tantrum.
  "Not fair!" she shrieks, jumping up and down in fury.
  Bastian and James stare at her in shock, as does the rest of the cast. Except Lina, who is still Ro-Sham-Bo'ing the clone.
  "She's an Empress?" Amelia asks in amazement.
  "Empress of Fools, maybe," Xellos remarks with a giggle. "Empress of Fool Land...Ha ha. Empress of...oof!"
  Bastian removes his elbow from the Trickster's midsection, gives him a menacing look, then turns to James. "Dad, you'd better do something before she has collective apoplexy," he observes.
  James grimaces, then sets to work trying to calm the shrieking Empress.
  "Rock!" Lina exclaims suddenly. "I win...Hey! Where did he go?" She looks around, but the clone has dissapeared.
  Fio looks up and stop her shrieking, the solution coming to her in a flash of divine intervention. "Bastian, James!" she cries. "Ro-Sham-Bo them! Quick!"
  Within minutes, all the clones have dissapeared, except for the gameboy-playing Harrison still on the flying carpet. Above them, he starts to sweat.
  "Clever, Harry," Fio comments, her voice dripping with honey, her eyes like sharp agates. "But not nearly clever enough."
  "The balls in your court, love," James states.
  "Really? I hadn't noticed...How about an Elmekia Lance?"
  The spell knocks the carpet and its rider out of the sky, landing with a resounding thud behind the guys hut.
  Fionavar blows on her little finger. "I am hot today!" she declares.
  "Decorum, my lady," James reminds her gently.
  "What?...Oh, right." She composes herself quickly, smoothing her blue silk gown over her knees. "Harrison!" she commands with imperial gusto. "Present yourself at my feet at once."
***
  Harrison, who is in a fighting game mood, appears kneeling before Fionavar. He kneels for two seconds, then presses up and heavy kick, Flash-Kicking her backwards. He then pulls a large double-barreled shotgun and a large pistol out from under his bathrobe and does Vermillion's ground Desperation move from Toshinden 2.
  The shield spell keeps the flying lead from touching her, but the rapid barragle of bullets causes Bastian to pour a large portion of his concentration into the barrier around his mother. Harrison, who has dismissed duplication tricks as being far too cheap, finishes his Desperation and throws the shotgun at Bastian. It bounces off his head and he collapses.
  Harrison turns to Fionavar and grins. "You really shouldn't bring family to such a place."
***
  "Bastian!" Fionavar cries. She flashes a look at Harrision cold enough to freeze the grin off his face. "Leave my family out of this." She picks herself off the ground, rubs at the various places she has bruises, then summons her staff, Skywing, into her hand. Skywing, a slender rod of whitewood, with carved wings at the top which hold a skystone to match the one on Fionavar's forehead, seems to glow with an unearthly light.
  Suddenly James has his Walter PPK out and aimed right at Harrison's head. "That was my son, you bastard," he says in an icy voice.
  Fionavar gently takes the gun from James. "Stay out of this. It's my war to fight." She looks critically at James' gun. "Besides, I prefer to use my own weapons." She levels  Skywing at Harrison's head. Her skystones begin to charge with solar energy, and the air crackles with electrical power.
  Bastian, meanwhile, opens his eyes. "What hit me..?"
  "A shotgun, love," Fionavar mutters. "Lend me your spellbook, Bastian." She reaches out and takes it from him.
  "Aw, mom!"
  "Don't complain, Bastian." She flips through the pages, looking for the right spell. "Here it is." She slams her staff down into the ground three times. "Source of all power, fire of the heavens! Come down from on high and channel your power through me and this whitewood staff that I hold! Lightning Fire!"
  Tongues of lightning touch down all over the island, torching trees. Bolts flash around Harrison, sending him dancing out of the way.
  "How about some more, Harry?" Fionavar taunts. "Or maybe a little fire attack? Alright!" She raises her hands again. "East winds that blow have you as their source, deliver into my hands all of your force. Flare Arrow!"
  The lightning bolts are still touching down, and now Harrison has to worry about avoiding flare arrows. Fionavar stands back and laughs her head off.
  Bastian snatches his spellbook back from his mother. "No more spells for you!" he shouts. "You'll use all of your magical energy."
  Fionavar stares blankly at her son. "What?"
  "Just don't do anymore!"
  "I have him where I want him!" Fionavar cries. "I have to finish him off. Now!" She prepares another spell. "Darkness beyond twilight. Crimson blood that flows. Burried in the flow of time is where your power grows. I pledge myself to conquer all the foes that stand before the mighty power bestowed in my unworthy hand. Dragon Slave!"
  Lina shrieks. "The Dragon Slave? From that third rate elf? No way!"
***
  Third-rate elf or not, Fionavar manages a Dragon Slave. Not a terribly powerful one, by most standards, but even the weakest Dragon Slave packs a wallop.
  Harrison bilocates, each one running in a different direction. The Dragon Slave goes between them, flying harmlessly off into the distance. Minutes later, it hits California, causing all sorts of fun.
  Meanwhile, Harrison pulls himselves together. "I know I said no clone tricks," Harrison says, to no one in particular. "Bilocating isn't a clone trick. It's only usefull for dodging things." He turns to Fionavar. "So you like staffs, eh? I like staffs too. I'd like to show you my staff." He reaches into his bathrobe and somehow produces... the Staff of Moses! "I didn't get a chance to use this on Michael," says Harrison. "I've been looking forward to this for weeks..." Suddenly, his eyes bulge. A vein begins to throb in his forehead. His hair stands up. He stares at Fionavar, a mad gleam in his bug eyes.
  Everything freezes.
  Then, Harrison leaps through the air and lands directly in front of Fionavar. He brings the staff up and nearly catches her under the chin - only her sudden jump back saves her from a broken jaw.
  Harrison grins. "Sinnawhat?" he asks. Spinning the staff over his head, he lunges at her. The Staff of Moses catches her in the leg, then the stomach, then the side of her head.
  Dazed, she staggers back.
  Harrison hits her in the stomach with the knob on the end of the Staff and lifts her up with it. If he could grin any wider, the top of his head would fall off. 
  "Into the sea with ye, bitches!" he yells (This is a Moses catchphrase - please don't be offended.) and swings the Staff, hurtling Fionavar off into the ocean. The vein on his head ceases to throb and his eyes resume their normal place in his head. He looks at the staff. "Hoo boy, NOW I remember why I don't usually use this thing." He tucks it back into his bathrobe and pulls out some binoculars. He studies the ocean. "Jeez, I hope that didn't kill her..."
***
  Fionavar, quite unconscious, sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Fortunately, that shield spell is still around her, so at least she'll be able to breath down there. Unfortunately, back on the island, James and Bastian are completely unaware of this.
  "That was uncalled for," James says. He reaches for his Walter PPK, and finds nothing but air...Oh yeah, cause Fionavar relieved him of it earlier. "Well, this is an unfortunate turn of events." He fiddles with his watch..."Good thing Q installed that high performace laser..."
  "No problem, Dad," Bastian says. He snaps his fingers and his clothes change from a princely doublet into a suit similar to his father's; the ensemble of the gentleman spy. He draws his own Walter PPK and aims for Harrison's head. "Shall we?"
  "Excellent idea, Bastian," James replies.
  Harrison, still holding that blasted Staff of Moses, looks at them and laughs."And what are you going to do to me?" he says.
  "Oh, I'd say about nothing," Bastian says. He shoots his gun off into the air, emptying the clip.
  "Bastian, what are you doing?" James demands.
  "Signaling to mother," Bastian replies.
  Suddenly, a rather pissed off looking Fionavar rises out of the ocean and raywings back towards the island. She is now attired in full battle gear, a longsword has replaced her staff, and her hair is coiled around her head in something to put Queen Amidala to shame.
  She lands gracefully. "If this is the game you want to play, Barber," she growls, "then we'll play it." She walks up until she is three feet from Harrison, then launches into a series of spinning heel kicks to his head, catching the unsuspecting, Staff-of-Moses bearing, carpet-flying, Game Boy playing, anime freak unawares.
  "How's that for physical?" she mutters.
***
   "Urgle. Woop. Zonk." says Harrison, watching the little birdies spin around his head. He focuses on the one playing the tuba. After a few seconds, they fly away and annoy Xellos. Harrison staggers to his feet. He stares at the heavily-armored elf for a few moments. "Nuvi?" he asks, then shakes his head sharply, to clear it. "Right," he says. "I think I'll be literary for a while."
  He raises his hands above his head, and cries, "I summon thee, character, ally, and servant, Francis Macomber!" One dramatic flash of light later, Francis Macomber, from the short story "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber" by either Ernest Hemmingway or O. Henry (I forget which) appears. He is dressed in expensive safari clothing and looks completely clueless.
  Macomber looks around. "I say, where is this? Wasn't I going hunting today? I've been quite looking forwards to shooting something."
  Harrison slaps his forehead. "No, no, no, not the git from the beginning of the story! I meant Francis Macomber at the END of the story!" He gestures, and suddenly Francis Macomber is laying on the ground with a brand new bullet hole. Harrison sighs. "No, no, no, not THAT far into the story! After he shoots the animal and BEFORE he dies... oh, never mind. Forget literature." Macomber's corpse vanishes.
  Harrison turns to look at James. "Can't belive I didn't notice earlier," he says, disgusted. "Well, there's only one thing to do with you two." He then presses the button on his watch that opens the trapdoor and drops James and Bastian into the piranha tank. Then he turns to Fionavar. "That won't hold them for long. They'll use some clever trick involving lasers or magnets or such and be out of there mere seconds before the piranhas get them. Meanwhile, there's no one to protect you here."
  He studies her armor. There's rather a lot of it. He can't see any obvious chinks. It looks as though it ought to be heavy, but it's no doubt some mysterious magic elven metal. Or, he notices, just shatterproof plexiglass painted to look like metal. He remembers seeing a documentary where the makers of the stuff hired a SWAT team to break one pane of it. It took two hours of concentrated shooting, bashing, and hacking to even make a slit in it.
  Of course, no SWAT team on Earth has Harrison's incredibly cheap weaponary. His fingers begin to form a complicated gesture. "Yah!" he says, and his hands assume another gesture. "Retsu!" Antoher gesture. "Boh!" Anohter gesture. As he always does, Harrison forgets the rest of the sequence and just fills in with random syllables that always end up spelling the names of Maison Ikkoku characters, thus: "Yot! Su! Yah! Yu! Sah! Koh! Goh! Dai!" with a new gesture between each syllable. But he also forgets the gestures and ends up doing "This is the church, this is the steeple." But since this isn't really Peacock King, it works anyway. He fires a bolt of green energy at Fionavar.
***
  This is not good, Fionavar thinks. Time to get out of this plexiglass death trap.... She brings her hands up over her face, leading Harrision to think she's performing some sort of complicated spell involving annoying hand gestures. It really is too bad about all that limitation crap...She snaps her fingers and the armour dissolves, right before the green energy bolt hits her full in the chest. She goes flying backwards into a palm tree, leaving a Fionavar-sized dent in the trunk.
  Harrision laughs his head off over by the piranha tank..."That's gotta sting!" he crows.
  Fionavar nods weakly. "A little bit...but of course, you just made two mistakes today. Number one, you've just really pissed me off. Number two, that bolt of whatever-it-is was just the right frequency to recharge my magical energies, which would have taken nearly twenty four hours to recover. For that, I thank you." She smiles sweetly. "Of course, that means you'll have to face me with all of my magic,  Sky Wing, and..." She looks at her watch. "5-4-3-2-1."
  The trapdoor of the piranha tank explodes outward. Harrision yelps as a piece of white hot shrapnel burns across his face.
  James and Bastian jump out of the trapdoor frame. James executes a perfect landing...while Bastian sort of lands on his head.
  "Damn piranha almost took my leg off!" Bastian yells, and then starts to curse.
  Fionavar, her eyes never leaving Harrison, says absently: "Bastian, don't curse at me." She ponders, wondering what to do...
*THIS DUEL NOW PAUSES AS FIONAVAR DOES SOME ANIME RESEARCH.*
*THIS FIC MAY NOW CONTINUE*
  Fionavar smiles. "Well, this a new trick. You Ki, hmm?" She makes some complicated gestures, snaps her fingers, and reverts to her Empress form.
  Harrison laughs at the long blue dress and lavender brocade cloak. "You're going to fight me in that?"
  "Oh, my dear Harrision," Fionavar chuckles. "I'm not going to fight you at all." She makes some more complicated gestures... then begins to chant in a low voice. "En-Satsu-Koku-Ryu-Ha!" A wave of black dragon fire, similiar in appearance to the Dragon Slave, shoots from her hands. The strange energy completely misses Harrision, but since that's what she wanted, Fionavar lets it pass.
  The wave continues on until it crashes into the side of the volcano. Seismic tremors begin to shake the island.
  "You idiot!" Lina yells. "What the hell are you doing?"
  Harrison gapes at Fionavar.
  She grins. "Liquid hot magma, Mr. Barber." She does the Dr. Evil Thing (tm), then smiles her sweet smile again. "You were expecting something else?"
***
  "Dr. Evil?!" growls Harrison. "DR. EVIL?!?! How DARE you profane my presense with AUSTIN POWERS!!!!"
  He hops on his magic carpet and flies off in a huff, leaving Fionavar to contend with her own lava flow. See, that's the problem with narrator's duels: you start to expect your opponant to stop whatever you throw at them, so you do things that could easily hurt you as well.
  Fionavar stares at the lava oozing very quickly towards her. "Oh dear."
  Of course, stopping a volcano is no problem at all.
***
  Oh, of course. Stopping a volcano is easy...if you happen to have a 49th level Keldyn archmage handy.
  Fionavar facefaults, since she is NOT a 49th level archmage, and the spell she needs might just kill her. She chants the spell anyway. "Time which has passed be called back once more." 
  The entire island seems to undergo a rewind function, going back to an instant before Fionavar cast the Black Dragon Wave.
**********************************************************************************************
  Fionavar smiles. "Well, this a new trick. You Ki, hmm?" She makes some complicated gestures, snaps her fingers, and reverts to her Empress form.
  Harrison laughs at the long blue dress and lavender brocade cloak. "You're going to fight me in that?"
  "Oh, my dear Harrision," Fionavar chuckles. "I'm not going to fight you at all." She starts the Black Dragon Wave again, then thinks better of it. "Phew. That spell sure takes a lot out of you. Harrison, darling, can we have a short break?"
***
  Harrison agrees, and the pair decide the duel will continue in three days time...

On to Round 2!