Sword and Sorcery Round 2!
by Fionavar al'Dara and Harrison Barber

      Fionavar spends the next two days asleep in her office on the beach, with James and Bastian standing guard, except when they're sitting.
  On the morning of the third day, Amelia wanders up holding a tray with two glasses and a pitcher of what appears to be iced tea. She hands it to them and looks to be about to make a short speech, but at the last minute she changes her mind and hands James an index card that says "Unjust to be forced to stand guard. Drinks help."
  "Why, thank you," says Bastian, and takes a glass of iced tea. James sips his in a refined manner. They both gag.
  "What the- how much sugar did you put in this!?" James sputters.
  Suddenly, Amelia lunges forward, knocking into James and Bastian and pouring their glasses of excessively sweet iced tea down their throats. "Now, you'll be way too hyper to be able to aim, and probably too hyper to really fight." She smiles. "You can come out now, sir!"
  Harrison walks out from behind a tree much too thin to be able to hide behind. He pats Amelia on the head. "Good girl."   Amelia looks at James and Bastien, who are starting to vibrate. "I don't know, sir. Poisoned drinks... it's..."
  "It's not poison," says Harrison. "It's sugar. Nothing wrong with sugar." He takes the pitcher and drinks it all in two gulps. "Grr. Not QUITE sweet enough." He turns back to Amelia and sees that she is still ambivalent. "Look, you know how everyone here treats you, right?"
  Amelia nods. "They're all so mean to me... especially Zelgadis..." she begins to sniffle. "And all the writers hate me and make fun of me... except Alex... but Xellos keeps trying to scare him away..."
  Harrison nods in sympathy. "It's so unjust for you to be the target of all that abuse. The whole concept of a slapstick comic relief character is cruel and unusual." He strikes a pose. "This whole setup is just... wrong!" he declares. Then he calms down and asks, "How would you like me to write a fic with you as the main character? And all the 'real' main characters in minor supporting roles, if even that?"
  Amelia stares at him. "You'd do that?" Harrison nods. "Wow..."
  Suddenly Harrison straightens up. "I hear something from the hut... you'd better hide..." Amelia nods and runs off into the forest. Harrison pauses, and feels a single moment of remorse at cruelly tricking an impressionable little girl like that. Then he shakes his head, and grins. "But back to business." He steps over James and Bastian, who are now spasming on the ground, tosses a Banana Bomb (Worms 2) into Fionavar's hut, and runs like hell. When Banana Bombs blow up, they blow up biiiiiiiig.
***
  Fionavar yawns and casts about for her regular outfit, since she's still too tired to attempt the transformation to IC. She slips into her usual hunter green string bikini and orange/lavender celtic knot thing wrap around. "James?" she calls groggily. She strains her ears, but hears only insane giggling from outside. Suddenly, there is a crash as something hits the floor of her office. "What the hell?" It looks like a banana.
  Fio yawns. "It's too early for this kind of thing." She snaps her fingers and makes the IC transformation. "I wonder what that is, anyway?" she muses, pointing to the banana. Then she hears an odd clicking, a sound too minute to be detected by anyone other than an elf. "Hmmm...sounds like a bomb...a bomb!? Eeep!" She quickly conjures a magic box around the banana and transports it out of the room. Just in time, too. As soon as the box dissolves, the banana explodes, sending out five more banana shaped bombs, which then procede to blow up half of the beach.
  Fionavar looks out the window and blinks. "That was...stressing." Then she notices that 90% of the beach has been melted into shiny glass by the excessive heat. She groans. "What am I going to tell the Queen of Swords?" 
  She leaves her office, pausH?†8?†  There is only a chilling silence.
  "Some protector," she mutters. She looks around, then gasps. "Oh good lord!"
  James and Bastian are staring blank eyed, suffering from sugar induced catatonia.
  Fionavar snaps her fingers and transforms again, this time into an irate silver phoenix. She lifts from the ground with one stroke of powerful wings and takes off into the air, in search of Sylphiel, or Harrison, whichever she finds first.
  Luckily for Harrison, Fionavar calms down considerably while she flies, and also fortunate, she spies Sylphiel first.
  Fionavar lands, scoops up the startled Shrine Maiden, and flies off again, back to the beach.
  Sylphiel seems to be in shock when they land again. "Oh god, save me..." she moans.
  "Stop that!" Fio commands as she shimmers back into Empress form. "Look what Harrison did!" She points to James and Bastian.
  "Sugar shock," Sylphiel says. "Amelia had a hand in this."
  "What!?"
  "Only Amelia would use the islands entire sugar shock in one sitting."
  "Do something, Sylphiel!" Fionavar falls to her knees and cradles Bastian's head in her lap. He stares up at her blankly.
  "Alright..." Sylphiel begins to chant. "Oh blessed humble hand of god. Hear my prayer and deliver us. Recovery!"
  The powerful Recovery washes over the entire island...repairing all sorts of damage, and reviving Fionavar's familiy.
  Fionavar hugs Bastian tightly. "You should go home, love," she whispers into his hair. "It isn't safe for you here." She looks up at James. "You either."
  "We aren't going anywhere," James replies.
  Bastian, of course, isn't paying attention. He's staring at Sylphiel with a vapid expression. "Wow."
  "Bastian!" Fio exclaims. "Harrison could come back at any time!"
  Bastian blinks. "What? Oh, you're right." He straightens his suit. "Thank you, Miss Sylphiel."
  Sylphiel blushes. "You're welcome, Mr. Bastian."
  Bastian takes her hand and leads her down the once again sandy beach.
  Fionavar facefaults. "So much for his help. It's just you and me now, James." She looks up at the sky. "Now it's personal. Nobody hurts Fionavar al'Dara's family and lives to tell about it."
***
  From his vantage point up in a tree, Harrison sighs. "Well, I've already pissed her off royally... might as well go all the way!" He checks his inventory. Bastian and Sylphiel are down on the beach... a most inviting target. Harrison sets a cluster bomb for a one-second fuse, and prepares to air-burst the two... then stops.
  "Curses," he thinks, "I'm still not allowed to kill Gourrigan's characters." He puts away the cluster bomb and checks his inventory again. Sheep, Nuclear Bomb, Mail Strike... nothing that would harm ONLY Bastian. "Well. So much for the Worms 2 stratagy."
  He ponders and ponders, then his eyes fall on Fionavar and James, who appear to be having a semi-intimite moment. Harrison grins. "PDA? Inexcusable!" He fires an Oh My Goddess-style force bolt, causing the two to jump backwards (in opposite directions) to dodge.
  Harrison takes a flying leap from the tree and lands between his two opponants. Quickly, he 'Shun Goku Satsu's James, knocking him unconscious. Then, he leaps over Fionavar and in the air drops a "Webster's New Unabridged Dictionary/Thesaurus - 5th edition" on her head.
***
  "Ow!" Fionavar shrieks. She does a quick check to make sure she's actually in character, then snaps her fingers. The Imperial frippery melts away, revealing a form fitting wetsuit, courtesy of Daniel Snyder, and a nasty looking laser weapon in one hand. She rubs at her head with the other. "I thought I told you not to mess with my family!" she shrieks angrilly. She casts about to make sure James is alright...then fixes an angry glare at Harrison. "I think you need some lessons in courtesy. Try this on for size. Source of all souls which dwell within the eternal and infinite, everlasting flame of blue! May the power within my soul be called forth here and now from the infinite! RA..."
  Her spell is interupted by several gunshots. She swallows the energy and turns to look."What the..."
  A grinning elf maiden, clad all in clinging white silk and holding an AK-47 walks up the beach. "Hiyas Fionavar!" She looks critically at the Empress of Keldria and the unconscious James. "You don't seem to be holding out to well, huh?"
  "I do not need your help, Huntress. Run along."
  "But your Imperial Highness," the Huntress croons. "I did so want to meet the man who could drop a dictionary on you without your noticing."
  Fionavar jerks a finger in Harrison's general direction. "That's him. Amuse him, while I tend to James, would you?"
  Huntress grins. She puts her fingers to her lips and whistles sharply. Two more elf maidens, all carrying large machine guns and clad in clinging silk, stroll up the beach. 
  Fionavar groans. "I should have guessed. Huntress, Trueblood, and Fairchild, the menace of Keldria."
  "We aren't a menace!" exclaims Trueblood.
  "We aren't?" queries Fairchild.
  "Of coure not!" Huntress replies.
  Fionavar smacks the three upside the head. "Do I have to make an imperial command, ladies?"
  Trueblood grins, revealing her vampire teeth. "No, my empress."
  The three of the them slide over to Harrison. He stares at them.
  Fionavar, meanwhile, checks on James. He seems to be alive, but quite unconscious. Fionavar seals him inside a shield then raywings it to the other side of the island, hopefully out of reach of any more of Harrison's tricks.
  Suddenly, Trueblood's laughter cuts through the silence. "Us? Go out with you? Are you nuts? We are silphs, imortal vampiric elves. Imagine that, a silph dating a mere mortal!"
  Huntress adds her laughter. "What could we possibly want with you, except maybe to kill you and drain your weak little human body of all it's blood."
  "I say we kill him now," Trueblood laughs.
  "Wait!" Fairchild exclaims. "I think he's kinda....cute."
  "Well," Trueblood says, "so do I, but he's really not our type. I mean, he's going to die, after all."
  "So let's have a little fun with him before he does," Fairchild pleads.
  Fionavar looks at them and groans. "Who's idea was it to bring you three to the island?"
  Huntress scratches her chin in thought. "Prince Bastian's, I think."
  Fairchild stares at Harrison. "You are kinda cute, you know?"
  Harrison collapses onto the sand in shock.
  "Well," says Fairchild. "I didn't know mortals were so...delicate."
***
  Harrison pulls himself to his feet. He doesn't look happy.
  "Toy with me, will you?" he growls, glaring at the three silfs. "Vampires." He looks from one to the other. "Vampires..." He grins. It's time, he thinks, for some John Woo vampire killing action. >From under his bathrobe he pulls two guns - they look like large pistols, except that they have huge clips stuck in the top, and the barrels are flared at the end, like old-style muskets. Lightning-fast, he empties one gun into Huntress, the closest vampire elf.
  Instead of bullets, short wooden stakes come out of the barrel and all lodge in the general area of Huntress' heart. She stands there, it not yet having occured to her to fall down and die, and Harrison darts behind her, keeping her between himself and the other two. From over her shoulder, he fires a stake directly into the heart of Fairchild, who was lunging at him and thus an easy target. Trueblood opens fire with her AK, but there are two dead elves between her and her target, and anyway, Harrison's bathrobe is made of Riding Bean-style Kevlar. He stakes her with no trouble.
  Harrison puts away the stakers and rummages in his bathrobe again. This time he pulls out his Sacred Soaker 3000, with which he hoses down the three vampires until they disolve. (In case you hadn't guessed, the Sacred Soaker is full of holy water.) The whole thing only took about fifteen seconds. Harrison puts away the Sacred Soaker and turns to face Fionavar.
  Fionavar is staring at him, looking confused. "But... but..." she says, "but vampire ELVES aren't vulnerable to stakes and holy water!"
  "They aren't?" Harrison asks, then turns around and comes face-to-face with three highly irate vampire elves. "Neep." he says. Quickly, he rummages in his bathrobe and pulls out... a Mr. Coffee! Moving at high speed, he pours three mugs of steaming hot black coffee. "Here you go, fresh coffee imported direct from the mystical land of Valdez."
  Huntress, Fairchild, and Trueblood eagerly take the coffee, indicate that there are no hard feelings over the stakes and holy water thing, go sit in a circle on what's left of the beach, and play bongos and recite free-verse poetry.
  "What... the... HELL was that about?" asks Fionavar.
  Harrison grins. "In Simon Hawke's 'Reluctant Sorcerer' books, we learn the only thing vampire elves like more than blood is poetry over coffee." He pauses to think for a few seconds. "Anyway..."
  Harrison shuts one eye and holds his thumb and forefinger about a centimeter apart in front of the other eye. He looks at Fionavar through the centimeter gap. "I'm squishing your head." he says, and squeezes his thumb and forefinger together.   Suddenly, Fionavar feels immense pressure in her head. It's quite uncomfortable. Soon, her head will, indeed, be squished.
***
  "Ow!" Fionavar shrieks, her hands flying to either side of her head. The concentration that keeps her various forms in check starts to waver, and she accidentally reverts to real life form: a short teenage looking girl dressed in ratty jeans and a shirt that reads "My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing."
  Harrison laughs. "Nice shirt."
  Fionavar fixes a half hearted glare on him. "You're hurting me! Let go...you monster!"
  Suddenly Xellos appears. "I heard somebody mention a monster. You called?"
  "Aw, Xellos," Harrison says with an evil grin, which is chillingly like one of Xellos'. "Just the person I was hoping to see."
  "Uh...yeah," Xellos replies. "What are you doing to the chick?"
  "I am squishing her head."
  "Uh huh."
  "It's really quite...oof!" While the pompous co-writer was babbling, he didn't quite notice Fionavar's dear chimera friend sneak up behind him and knock him down with a flying kick to the head.
  The pressure on Fionavar's skull releases, and she shimmers back into her elven form. She has a nasty looking laser weapon in her hand, which she presses to Harrison's head while he tries to recover from being hit in the head with the equivalent of a ten pound bag of cement.
  "You are really pissing me off, you realize?" she says.
  "Of course," he replies. "That's the premise of these little duels."
  "You divert my subjects with coffee...that I can understand, they did want to drain your body of blood of course, but you tried to kill me What's up with that?"
  Harrison narrows his eyes in thought. "I'm not sure..."
  "You'd better give me a damn good answer, quick, before I blow your freakin' head off." A second laser weapon materializes in Zelgadis's hand. "Zel, darling, demonstrate, will you?"
  Zelgadis takes aim and fires at a rather huge rock down the beach. It super heats, and vaporizes.
  "Think what this little toy could do to your brain, hmmm?"
***
   "Hmmm..." says Harrison, standing up. Fionavar and Zel keep their guns trained on his head. "An interesting question..." He turns to face them. His bathrobe has turned black and under it he is now wearing a suit. He's also now wearing sunglasses and an earpiece. He grins slightly, and does his best Agent Smith impression. "But... I really... don't think... you'll... be able to... hit me... with... those."
  Fionavar and Zelgadis fire at the same time, but Harrison does the Matrix-style dodge, splitting into three ghost images that dance around the laser bolts. When the smoke clears, Harrison's clothing is back to normal, and he swiftly cuts both guns in half with a katana he produced from under his bathrobe.
  "Amelia, need some help here..." he subvocalizes. Amelia comes flying out of the bushes, lands on Zel, and glomps. Zel runs away screaming, with Amelia still clinging to his neck.
  "Well, that's got rid of him." Harrison turns back to Fionavar. He throws away the katana and cracks his knuckles. "Only one thing to do now... HISSOU BURAI KEN!" he yells, as he executes the most devastating attack in all of Street Fighter... Dan's Certain-Victory- Relying-On-No-One-But-Myself-Fist!!
***
  Fionavar darts backwards several feet, also relying on Matrix-style moves. She chuckles as Harrison lands face down in the sand. "That was...so Amelia. She been teaching you moves?"
***
   Harrison picks himself up and spits out a few mouthfulls of sand. "Feh." he says. "And now I shall summon a hench to do my dirty work. Amelia!"
  Amelia runs up. "Wha?"
  Harrison points at Fionavar. "Keep her busy for a while."
  Amelia's eyes get very big and her pupils get very small. "What?"
  "Look, I've got something big planned but it'll take a while to prepare. Keep her busy for a few minutes while I get it ready!"   Amelia stares at Fionavar, terrified. "But... but..."
  Harrison pats her on the shoulder. "Don't worry. She's not allowed to kill you." Then Harrison pulls his trusty flying carpet out of his bathrobe and sails off. Amelia turns to face Fionavar.
  "You don't want to side with HIM, do you?" Fionavar asks, using the stereotypical look-let's-talk-this-over voice, the one that also says things like "Now why don't you come off the ledge and lets talk this over." or "So if you'll just release the hostages we'll talk this over."
  "And why shouldn't I?" growls Amelia. "You all hate me. Especially you. Plus, Harrison gave me a bunch of stuff from video games to increase my magic power." She smiles. "Won't he be surprised when he comes back and I've already finished you off." She holds up her right hand. On her palm is a strange symbol. It looks like a stylised picture of a person wielding a scythe. "Soul Eater!" Amelia cries. "Deadly Fingertips!"
***
  Fionavar looks at Amelia and laughs her head off. "Is that the best you can do?"
  Amelia being Amelia, she begins to cry her head off. "You hate me! You all hate me!!!! WAAAAAH!!"
  Problem number one solved, Fionavar thinks. Now to deal with that bath robe wearing fruit cake. "Bastian!" she shrieks. "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"
  There is cursing from behind a sand dune and Bastian appears, looking a little sheepish.
  "Don't go thinking that you get to act like your father the second I'm not around, buddy."
  "I wasn't....."
  "Yeah, bullshit. You're the crown prince of Keldria and you have responsibilities! Now unless you want to make Sylphiel the crown princess, keep your hands off her. Got it?"
  "Yes mother."
  "Go find that freak Harrison and spy on him."
  "What? How do you suppose I do that?"
  "You're a spy! You're supposed to figure that out! Now get out my sight! And don't take her with you!" She jerks a thumb at Sylphiel, who is doing a full body blush.
  Of course, Harrison has been watching this little exchange, and he starts to get an excellent idea...
***
  "AARGH! Why didn't the Deadly Fingertips work on Fionavar?!" growls Harrison. "Oh, of course... instant-kill spells never work on boss-level enemies. Why oh why didn't Amelia cast Judgement? Oh, she doesn't have it. I guess she hasn't had enough family members die. I knew I should have offed Prince Phil when I had the chance. And Zelgadis. That should get her up to Judgement level." He sighs. Amelia's fallen apart again. "Buck up!" he subvocalizes. "You've got more than enough firepower to take out Fionavar! Just stop using instant-kills! Try Vanish-Doom! Or use Lufa's Legendary Lightning Cane!"
  Amelia pulls herself together and produces a short staff with a blue gem on the end. She faces Fionavar...
  ...as Harrison tails Bastian, who thinks he's tailing Harrison. Using his Metal Gear Solid-learned stealth skills, Harrison sneaks right up behind Bastian and plants a genuine Solid Snake 4-megaton "Kick Me" sign on his back.
  Meanwhile, Fionavar realizes that the thing Amelia is holding has some serious power in it. It's far too dangerous for that idiotic princess to use, Fionavar decides. So she grabs it telekinetically from Amelia, then points it at her. "Now have a taste of your own medicine!" Fionavar declares, as she activates Lufa's Legendary Lightning Cane.
  Of course, as anyone who's seen Dragon Half knows, Lufa's Lightning Cane always, ALWAYS backfires.
***
  Oh yes, of course anyone who's seen Dragon Half knows that Lufa's Lightning Cane always ALWAYS backfires. But then again, as Fionavar hasn't even heard of Dragon Half, let alone seen it, the device works properly. At least how Fionavar imagines is properly. (It's the law of Acme. For example, if you don't know that you've run off a cliff, you won't fall until you realize there's no solid ground underneath you.)
  Amelia eeps. "Noooo!!!"
  Fionavar looks critically at the Lightning Cane. "This toy seems to have been corrupted," she says. "It doesn't work."
  "No fair!!!!!!" Amelia shrieks. "Miss Fionavar! You are the meanest, nastiest person I have ever met!"
  "What? Who told you that?"
  "You stole Zelgadis from me! All he ever talks about is Fionavar this, Fionavar that."
  "Look, Amelia, you need to get over him! He's obviously not deserving of your attention if all he ever talks about is me! Look, I don't even like him that much."
  "You don't?"
  "Well, he's cute and everything, but I don't think about him that way, you know? You can have him. In fact, you can have him completely." She sighs, as Amelia looks unconvinced.
  "Why would you do that, Miss Fionavar? You hate me! Everyone hates me."
  "I don't hate you. Look, in real life I'm just an eighteen year old junior in university. I don't have any hatred towards you what so ever. To prove I don't hate you, I'll give you this charm." She concentrates, doing all sorts of sorcery looking motions with her hands. In the air in front of Amelia, a six inch resin figure of Zelgadis appears.
  "What's this?"
  "This is a one time use spell to get Zelgadis to like you." Fionavar holds up her hand warningly. "It only works once, so use it wisely, okay?"
  "How does it work?"
  "You just have to hold it in front of Zelgadis and say 'Hi there, Zelgadis!'. He has to like you!"
  "Wow! Thank you Miss Fionavar!"
  "Now will you knock it off with the freaky attacks? You realize you're being very unjust, your highness."
  "Oh, of course!" She skips off to find Zelgadis, who dissapeared while Fionavar was yelling at Bastian.
  Fionavar slaps herself in the head. "Oh no! Bastian's been in danger for, like, five minutes, and I haven't even tried to warn him. I'm an unfit mother." She looks up at the sky and shouts: "Harrison! You'd beter not touch one hair on my son's head! If you do, I'll castrate you!" She holds up a rather nasty looking pair of eagle-beak metal cutters. "I'm serious!"
***
  "Now, now," says Harrison, waggling a finger at Fionavar. "You don't want to startle me while I'm holding a detonator, now do you?" He holds up his other hand - in it is the detonator for the C4 stuck to Bastien's back. "Bring those clippers anywhere near me and I might tense up... my hands clench involuntarily... and you can guess the result."
  Fionavar stands there and stews angrily. Harrison grins. "Let me introduce you to some friends of mine. This is Sagara Sanosuke," he says, pointing to a guy holding a gigantic Zanba sword. "This is Vash the Stampede," pointing to a blonde-haired guy with wire-rimmed glasses and red trenchcoat.
  "Who are they?" asks Fionavar.
  "This is Natsuki," Harrison continues, pointing to a cute little cat-girl in a police-esque uniform holding a gun and a short sword, "This is Lt. Zechs," pointing to a tall guy with long white hair and a helmet/mask over his eyes.
  "Who?" asks Fionavar.
  "This is Hamel," pointing to a guy with a gigantic violin and a pointed hat. "This is Nubei," pointing to a guy whose left hand is all ugly and Gigeresque.
  "Who are these people?" Fionavar yells, twitching.
  "This is Multi," Harrison continues, pointing to a green-haired schoolgirl with metal things sticking out of her ears.
  "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?" screams Fionavar, veins throbbing in her forehead.
  "Gee, Fionavar," says Harrison innocently. "Don't burst a blood vessel. Anyway, this is Alpha," he adds, pointing to another green-haired girl.
  "AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

To be continued...