A normal day was going by on Gourrigan’s Island; the natives were as always, restless, the guest writers brought new surprises to be constantly dealt with, and of course, they had to try and get along with each other without killing anybody. Yep, dull as can be.

Gourrigan: Hmm, let’s see this week’s script. Lina, Amelia, Zelgadis, Rezo, Xellos, Filia, and me. Well, that’s the regular cast. Zangulus, Martina, Sylphiel, Naga, waitaminute ! The baby? Egaboo?!

Egaboo: Ah, at last, a worthy convert who shouts my name to the heavens! Allow me to join my voice with yours in praise ! (Raises shield)

Siren: EGABOO!

Naga: OH HO HO! Boo, darling, I thought you agreed not to do that unless it became necessary.

Egaboo: But my sweet, he was hailing the great name of Egaboo, the Magnificent!

Naga: (Leering at Egaboo) Come on back to our little pad, and I’ll hail your name, you magnificent thing, you! Oh ho ho ho!

Egaboo: Yesss!

Soon the sounds of marital bliss coming from Paladin’s Palace synchronize with those coming from Zangulus and Martina’s love den. Gourrigan shrugs this off, and looks for something to do.

Gourrigan: I wonder if there’s any more Funky Fruit. That could be fun, at least if I could get Lina to eat some ! Heh heh!

MitBH: Not in the least curious as to why your least favorite guest star is back?

Gourrigan: Nah, she’d just laugh at me for being dense, or throw a fit, and besides, her tits aren’t big enough to make the half naked gyrating interesting.

MitBH: Oblivious as usual, I see; Strange, Lina hasn’t come to kill you for that comment you just made.

Gourrigan: Oh, hi! You haven’t been around in a while. What are you doing here?

MitBH: Oh, I just came by to make things interesting.

Gourrigan: Uh, not interesting like the Inquisitor, I hope?

MitBH: No. But I have a problem.

Gourrigan: Really? Do you want to talk about it?

MitBH: Not so much a psychological problem, though that’s arguable, as much as an editorial dilemma.

Gourrigan: I see. Can you explain your problem?

MitBH: Certainly. You see, I promised not to write anymore scripts for this show, but I really wanted to write one. So I decided to let someone else write the script.

Gourrigan: Great ! Who’s writing by the way?

MitBH: That’s the problem; I haven’t decided who should write yet. Hey, would you like to write the script?

Gourrigan: Sure !

Gourrigan sits down in front of the typewriter, stares blankly for a minute, then looks up at the Man in the Black Hat.

Gourrigan: Oh yeah, I forgot. I don’t know how to write. Hey, if you really feel like writing, why don’t you just do it?

MitBH: Maybe I will..(Wicked gleam enters Nathan’s eye)

Before he can reclaim his typewriter, however, Xellos seizes it.

Xellos: Ha ha ha ! At last, I shall have my revenge !

Xellos begins typing, and all the previous guest writers who snubbed, maimed, or otherwise annoyed him appear hanging upside down from crucifixes, while being slowly roasted alive. Even the Inquisitor is there, suffering the same fate as the others, but he’s smiling in a disturbing fashion.

Xellos: Mind telling me what’s soo darn funny?

Inquisitor: Not at all (Snaps fingers)

The guest writers are released from their horrible torment, and disappear, all except for the Inquisitor.

Xellos: Gulp.

Inquisitor: Normally, I reserve punitive action for those who stand in the way of my goals. This time, however, it’s personal.

The Inquisitor snaps his fingers again. This time, it’s Xellos who is crucified, While multiple clones of Barney dance around him, singing songs of love and happiness.

Xellos: Make it stop ! For all the gods I don’t worship sakes’ make it stop!!

The Inquisitor walks away, his face expressionless, his eyes the same freezing pools of darkness as when he arrived.

MitBH: Back to OZ, I guess?

Inquisitor: There is no profit to be had here.

MitBH: Oh well, one man’s trash..

Xellos: AUGHHHH!

Gourrigan: Ouch. That’s harsh.

MitBH: Maybe I should release him. But this is kind of fun !

QoS: If you don’t get him out, you’ll be seeing me in court.

MitBH: Alright. (Typing) Xellos is released, and the Barneys disappear.

As words are written, so do deeds follow.

Xellos: Whew! I thought I was doomed for a minute there !

MitBH: Maa, Oni-san, hidoi desu nee.

Inquisitor’s Voice: What is done is done. A cruelty for a cruelty.

MitBH: Oh well, so much for the blood curdling violence. Now it’s time for some fluff.

The Man in the Black Hat begins typing, and Chibi Youko Kurama appears.

Martina: He’s adorable !

Lina: Yeah, but why’s he only six?

Gourrigan: Hey, when did you two arrive?

Lina: I came to see what the commotion was.

Martina: All that noise was ruining the mood for Zangulus and I, so I came to hex whoever was responsible.

Lina and Gourrigan look disgusted for ten seconds, then recover. After all, it’s only Zangulus and Martina !

Chibi Youko: Wai ! Hey, Mr. Black Hat Guy, where am I?

MitBH: You’re on Gourrigan’s Island, a small, uncharted volcanic island off the coast of Japan that surprisingly hasn’t been used by the Chinese, or the Americans for nuclear tests.

Chibi Youko: Oh. OK!

Sylphiel walks by, talking to Amelia. Amelia is lugging around her baby, matronly warrior of Justice that she is, when suddenly..

Sylphiel: My! He’s so cute!

Baby: ha heh! Jubjubsmoo {Curse this insufferable woman! How am I to maim anyone trapped here in her death grip?}

Chibi Youko: (Snatching baby from Amelia) Wai wai! I stole the baby!

Amelia: Hey ! Give my baby back this instant, foul kidnapper, or face justice at the hands of Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun!

Chibi Youko runs as fast as his stunted youkai legs will carry him, while Amelia gives chase.

Chibi Youko: Wai! <Pant, wheeze! > Wai! Wai!

MitBH: Oh well, this isn’t as amusing as I’d hoped.

Amelia: Mr. Nathan! I demand that you make that law-breaking little boy return my baby this instant!

Chibi Youko: Wai! Wai! Wai!

MitBH: Why? They’re having so much fun! And besides, it keeps him from stealing anything valuable.

Rezo: Who is that insolent waif who stole my staff, and what’s to keep me from blowing him to bits?!

Lina: Rezo?!

MitBH: He’s Chibi Youko Kurama, and his incredible speed could probably take him out of harm’s way. Besides, he’s got Amelia’s baby; blast him and you’ll probably be on the receiving end of numerous Bram Blazers, Elmekia Lances, and a few Diem Wings.

Xellos: Hey! The ruby in my staff is missing!

Lina: My gems!

Gourrigan: My sword!

MitBH: Hmm, this is serious. I need to have a talk with that boy, if he ever stops running long enough to listen.

By now Chibi Youko is in the village, still fleeing the incensed Amelia (he threw a solid gold censer at her to try to stop her)

Chibi Youko: Wai! Wai! <Blump! >

Naga: OH HO HO HO! Who’s this adorable little boy, and why is he buried in my chest?

Chibi Youko: (straining to extract himself) <squeak-pop! > Gah! I nearly suffocated! Who are you? Why are you dressed like that?

Naga: I’m Naga, the great and powerful White Serpent, and who are you, little boy?

Chibi Youko: I’m Youko Kurama.

Naga: Really? I thought you were older.

Chibi Youko: Minor problem.

The rest of the cast has taken the moment’s respite to catch up to the mischievous bandit.

Chibi Youko: Gah! Major problem! Here, hold this baby for me, will ya?

Chibi-san leaves Naga holding the baby while he hightails it to the other side of the island. Unfortunately for him, a bamboo trap awaits him (similar to the one that captured Kuronue)

Chibi Youko: Ow! I scratched my knee! Wahh! Let me out! Hey! Where is everybody?! I’m scared..

A very confused, frightened, and repentant Youko Kurama sits in his cage until help arrives in the form of Sylphiel.

Sylphiel: Oh dear, you’re hurt. Let me help you.

Sylphiel casts a healing spell on Chibi Youko and the gaping wound..er, skinned knee, is instantly healed.

Chibi Youko: Thanks lady! <Sniff! >

Sylphiel: Oh, why are you so sad?

Chibi Youko: <sniff, sniff! > I wanna go back home! I want my mommy!

Sylphiel: (cradling Chibi Youko in her arms) There there. Everything’s going to be all right.

As Sylphiel begins rocking Chibi-kun to sleep, all his misappropriated loot falls to the ground.

Chibi Youko: Zzzzz.

Sylphiel: (picking up a pair of her unmentionables) Oh my, wherever did he get these?!

Happosai: (Grabbing it) What a haul! What a haul!

Sylphiel decides to stop the old pervert with that Shadow Snap spell Lina so thoughtfully taught her a few days back. Unfortunately, her aim is off, and she skewers the geezer. Coughing up his lifeblood, the Evil Master looks his last upon the world, and returns to the dust from which we all came. About then, the Slayers gang catches up. Upon seeing their stolen property lying on the ground, Everyone makes a mad scramble to take as much as they can.

Gourrigan: Hey! You know the Sword of Light Belongs to me, Lina!

Lina: Finders keepers, losers’ weepers! Nyahh! (Sticks out her tongue)

Xellos: Ooh, does that mean I can keep these lovely gems I just found?

Lina: Now wait a darn minute!

Nathan: No honor, even among thieves.

Lina: Who are you callin’ a thief!

Gourrigan: (examining script) I thought you were the MitBH in this story.

Nathan: Funny, I thought you were illiterate.

Gourrigan: Nah, I can read, I just don’t write.

Nathan: Oh well, to tell the truth, my hat has gone on to a better place.

Amelia: You mean?..

Zelgadis: The big haberdashery in the sky?

Nathan: No, the Indian restaurant. It’s probably running my tab through the roof. Anyway, I’ll get another and be back to my old self in no time.

In the meantime, a gaunt man dressed in black, wearing a tattered cape watches from a tree

Shadow: Hmm, the kid’s got talent. All that loot, though, got to do something about that.

Descending from the waving palms, he moves at unbelievable speed, snatching everyone’s loot.

Shadow: Suckers!

Lina: That crook! Fireball!

Shadow nimbly avoids the spell, doubles back, and uses Gourrigan’s hand to spank Lina before either of them realizes what’s going on.

Lina: Gourry!

Gourrigan: It wasn’t me! I mean, it was, but I didn’t mean it!

Suddenly, the reek of alcohol overcomes everyone.

Martina: Eww, what is that?!

MitBH: Uh oh.

All: Uh-oh?!

Yes, it’s a full scale MERCY invasion, as Homer Han comes crashing through the trees.

MitBH: All I can say is, use combined spell attacks and physical assaults on Han. Bribe Chibi-san and maybe he can stop Shadow. All else fails, bring out Egaboo, he’ll drive ‘em both nuts, and they’ll leave. Which is what I plan to do right now. (Shimmers and disappears.)

Homer Han: (Spotting Martina) Woman!

Zangulus moves to intercept the lusty warrior in mid-charge, Howling Sword at ready. His challenge is answered in less than a heartbeat.

Xellos: The Handsome young cowboy lay dead on the floor.

MitBH: Normally I’d have George eat you for singing Western Warble, but this once, I forgive.

Homer Han: (Nearly overpowering Zangulus’ sword stance with his war-hammer and breath) Bat-tle!!

Zangulus: Damn, he’s strong! Gourrigan, I need a hand here!

Gourrigan: Ugh, I can smell him over here.

Gourrigan joins the fray, but both combatants are brushed aside in one mighty swoop of Homer Han’s Hammer of Id. Lina charges up a spell, distracting the Foolhardy Fighter.

Homer Han: Wo-man?

Lina: Damn straight, I’m a woman, pal, and you’re toast! Mmph!

Lina is engaged in full liplock by the id driven Han, while his hands go several places they shouldn’t in a family show. The Queen taps him on the shoulder, waits for it, waits for it, BOOM! Homer Han suffers the Money Shot the second he turns around. Naga appears on the scene with Egaboo in tow; both are clearly drunk, Naga with half full bottle in hand.

Homer Han: WIFE!

Egaboo: Pompous fool! I, the Incomparable Egaboo, have claimed the fair Naga; Thou must needs defeat me ‘ere you steal my love away!

Naga is practically drooling over the two muscle-bound men fighting over her. Homer Han does the Pec Wigglie, while Egaboo strips off his robes to reveal the wrestling gear he showed off a few episodes back, as well as too much body oil. They circle each other, each sizing the other up for potential weaknesses, finding none. Homer Han charges into battle, punching Egaboo with a well-placed Wight’s Touch, barely registering what it is he’s doing. Egaboo weakens slightly, seeming to shrink in mass almost, his hair becoming a little gray at the temples.

Lina: Whoa! He can cast spells?!

MitBH: (Reappearing a safe distance from the fighting) Actually, he has more spells than you. He just doesn’t know it.

Lina: How?

MitBH: Every deity in Mercy fears Homer Han will choose their temple to patronize. In his case, defilement is more the word. So they bless him with unlimited spell power to keep him away, as well as that never-miss attack of his. If he had more than one working brain cell, he’d be a threat to life as we know it. Now help me toss this keg of ale into the fight to distract him.

Lina and Nathan barely manage to launch the unwieldy silver plated barrel of Falstaffe amidst the fighters, before Egaboo loses any more years from his life.

MitBH: I got one heck of an idea just now. Lina, how’re you at illusion spells?

Lina: Rezo’s department.

MitBH: Okay, Rezo, I need an illusion of a raft floating out to sea, filled with kegs like that one.

Rezo: Why?

MitBH: Han only registers three things: Battle, booze, or women. He’ll swim after the raft and out of our hair.

Rezo casts the illusion, and Homer Han falls for it. Lina and Zelgadis have to hold Gourrigan back, lest he swim out to the raft-illusion as well.

MitBH: Which only leaves Shadow.

Lina: Lemme at him! I’ll tear out his lungs!

MitBH: You’d have to catch him, and he’s more than humanly fast. Zel, it’s up to you.

Zelgadis: Fine with me.

Zelgadis uses every ounce of demonic speed to catch up to Shadow, but that’s about all he can do. Chibi Youko shows up and steals something from the master thief, distracting him momentarily.

Zelgadis: (drawing sword) Now I’ve got you!

Shadow barely avoids being skewered, then does his infamous Sword Dance around Zel, only to be surprised when he doesn’t fall into 72 messy pieces.

Zelgadis: Hmph.

Rezo: Won’t even acknowledge his debt to me for making him so strong. Ingrate.

Shadow: You’re more trouble than you’re worth Stone-Boy. Later!

He tries to escape by literally running across the ocean, but SD Hiei teleports in front of him and punches him back to the island.

Shadow: (Propped against palm tree, bleeding around the mouth) Damn, he’s fast.

Hiei: Hn.

Chibi Youko: Hiei-kun! Sugoi!

Shadow: Might as well cut my losses. ( Jumps over Hiei and begins running over the waves again)

Lina: Hey! Stop him! He’s still got our loot!

Hiei: You mean this? (Holds out the stolen goods)

Lina: Mine!

Hiei: Trade ya.

Lina: Grrr.

Hiei: (Eyes narrowing, fangs beginning to show) GRRRRR.

Gourrigan: What would you want anyway?

Hiei: Some Funky fruit would do nicely. Genkai’s all out of mescaline.

The trade off is made, and all stolen merchandise and characters are put back in their proper places. Chibi Youko reverts to his full-grown Bishounen form, and amuses the ladies by sticking around for the afternoon, flexing and posing on the beach. Not to be outdone, the guys from the regular cast strut their stuff as well. Too much beefcake is being shown for the Man in the Black Hat’s comfort, so he settles down in a hammock back at the village with a bottle of gin and a Key Lime Pie. The Queen decides not to sue him, on account of all the bishounen and beefcake he helped provide. The Inquisitor puts his plans for the island on the back burner while concentrating on conquering other kingdoms, and all’s well that can be expected.

The End, unless something else comes up.

(QOS: Can I keep the bishounen?)