Day of the Coyote
by Teresa Cain

It’s an all too perfect day on the island: the sun is shining brightly, a cool breeze blows, the water is warm and welcoming, and, most importantly, the Funky Fruit is in season again. Yet our brave castaways sit in a circle on the beach, looking around as if expecting a meteor to hit them any time now.

Zelgadis: It’s too damn quiet. You know what that means.

The group nods in agreement. Well, all but Gourrigan, who only looks puzzled.

Gourrigan: I don’t. What does it mean?

Everyone groans, and Lina elbows him in the head, driving his face several inches into the sand.

Lina: Idiot. When it’s this quiet and perfect, that means the worst of all possibilities!

Gourrigan: (raising his head and spitting sand) Y-you don’t mean...!

Everyone nods sharply and begin to search the sands again, leaving Gourrigan to stare blankly into the sky. Of course, their searching is only half-hearted at this point. They’re waiting, waiting...

Gourrigan: I still don’t get it.

Facefaults all around. Lina proceeds to get Gourrigan in his daily headlock while the others recover. Suddenly, Amelia frowns and cups a hand around her ear.

Amelia: Do you guys hear that?

Everyone pauses and listens intently, even Lina and Gourrigan (who’s still in the headlock) stop and cock an ear. Sure enough, everyone can hear a faint sound growing in volume, as if something far off is getting nearer...

Sound: i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-T!!!!!!

WHAM!!! An unidentified something falls from the sky, landing right on top of Xelloss. Everyone stares into the crater the something caused, and a collective groan is raised.

Zelgadis: I knew it. It’s another damn guest writer.

Amelia: I suppose it was too much to hope that we might be wrong.

Lina: She’s off to a good start, though. She just killed Xelloss.

Rezo: Hel-lo! Blind priest here. What the hell’s going on?

Slowly, the enigma in question raises her head and rubs it, a rueful smile on her lips. Her ink black hair is in short pigtails, with strands shorter still framing her pointed face. Pointy ears, golden eyes (whose pupils aren’t slitted, but they ain’t quite round, either), slender nut-brown body dressed in a sleeveless white midriff and jeans...with a bushy tail hanging out in back. She looks around at the people staring at her, and grins widely, showing delicate little fangs.

Stranger: Mental note. When Tess is gushing about having lost weight, do not tell her to turn around ‘cause you just found it. She doesn’t appreciate it. Okay, where the hell am I and why am I surrounded by the main and supporting cast of The Slayers?

Lina: You’re on a deserted island where we’re stranded until the Queen and every other fan fic writer gets bored with us.

Stranger: Oh. Yeah, right--I’ve read those. Does this mean I’m the guest writer this time around?

Zelgadis: Looks like.

Stranger: (throwing her fists into the air) Whoo-hoo! I’m on a deserted island miles away from nowhere with my FAVORITE trickster in the whole wide world at my beck and call...hey, where is Xelloss, anyway?

Lina: Er, you’re sitting on him.

Stranger: (looking under her and grinning widely) I always did want to sit on him...although this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Amelia: (covering her eyes and whimpering) L-Sama! The visuals, the visuals! I’m too young for this kind of trauma!!

Stranger: This from a girl who’s tried everything short of knocking Zel out cold and tying him to a bed to get in his pants? Puh-leese.

Amelia "hmms" and looks at Zelgadis thoughtfully. Zelgadis sweatdrops and shuffles nonchalantly behind Lina. Meanwhile, Lina regards the bushy-tailed newcomer thoughtfully as she helps Xelloss to his feet, gushing and brushing the sand from his clothes. Just who is this new writer, anyway?

Lina: Well, are you gonna introduce yourself or not?

Stranger: (pausing in her dusting) Huh? Oh, right. Silly me. Name’s Coyote Moon, the lovely, brilliant, and talented daughter of that great trickster spirit of the Native American world, OLD MAN COYOTE!! Mortals, cower in fear lest you gain my attention! Humans are my playtoys, to be manipulated and jerked around until you no longer amuse me. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Wait, did I say that out loud?

Sweatdrops all around, except for Xelloss, who actually opens his eyes and peers interestedly at the coyote demi-goddess. Another trickster on the island, eh? And the guest writer as well? Things were looking up.

Lina: She talks like Nahga. But the laugh isn’t quite as annoying.

CM: (setting hands on hips and huffing) Ex-cuse me? Did I just hear someone compare the great trickster demi-goddess to Lil’ Miss Beachball Boobs? Oh, just for that--I was gonna be nice, you know, give you all a break from the usual terror the guest writers inflict, but now you’ve gone and made me mad. Now I’m gonna have to do the most terrible, horrible thing in the whole of the Slayers universe.

Zelgadis: You’re going to make Prince Phil a regular?

Amelia, who has retrieved the Hammer of Justice back from Zel, pounds the chimera.

Amelia: Don’t say mean things about my daddy!

Everyone sweatdrops while Zelgadis twitches. Meanwhile, Coyote Moon has pulled a laptop out of a pouch (that is in no way big enough to have carried it), dropped down into the sand and is typing furiously. Xelloss reads over her shoulder, his usual grin widening as he sees what she types.

Xelloss: THAT’S JUST WRONG!!! I like it.

Lina: (not hearing him) And just what the hell is a Native American demi-goddess doing here as a guest writer?? That’s about as far away from anything anime as I’ve seen yet! Except for the misogynist purple fruitcake in the thong that showed up during "Anime Bandstand", that is.

Amelia: Uhhh...does anyone else hear that?

Considering what happened the last time asked that question, all eyes turn to the sky--except Xelloss, strangely enough, who should have been the most paranoid one in the group. Coyote Moon just giggles maniacally and hits the period button with finality. Lina turns pale as a computer nerd’s bum (trust me, that’s pale) when it suddenly dawns on her what the noise could possibly be. She rounds on the guest writer with wide, terrified eyes.

Lina: Y-you wouldn’t.

CM: I would.

Lina: You couldn’t!

CM: I could.

Lina: You didn’t!

CM: I would, I could, and I did, Ms. Needs-to-Know-When-Not-to-Insult-a-Trickster-Goddess Inverse.

Just then it dawns on the rest of the group. I-It’s Nahga’s laugh! But it’s Nahga’s laugh even louder and more obnoxious than usual, with a strange multiple echo about it. Then the terror runs onto the beach, causing everyone to scream and clutch at each for support...all but Rezo, who still has no idea what’s going on.

CM: (staring casually at her nails and smiling slightly) I mean, hasn’t anybody wondered what happened to those Nahga clones from Slayers: Dragon Slave? My vote’s that somebody finally got tired of all that laughing and shipped their multiple butts to the first deserted island they could find. And since I’m writing this, my vote’s the only one that counts.

The Whole Cast: YOU INHUMAN MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! It’s the laughing Nahga clones! But even worse, it’s the laughing, drunk and bare-breasted Nahga clones! Oh, the humanity! Lina has her usual reaction to multiple Nahgas and gratefully passes out, dead to the world and envied greatly by her fellow castaways.

CM: I mean, weren’t the guys wishing for gyrating, half-naked native girls a while back? And since this is a DESERTED island, after all, those are the only native girls there are. Hey, Coyote Moon lives to please.

Rezo: I am suddenly very, VERY glad to be blind...now if only I could be deaf as well...

Multiple Nahgas: OH-HOHOHOHOHO (hic) HO!

Gourrigan: (scooping the unconscious Lina into his arms) Don’t worry, guys! I know just what to do!

Zelgadis: Run?

Gourrigan: You got it.

And so the castaways run for the safety of the huts, closely followed by the obscenely bouncy, drunk and above all LOUD Nahgas. Coyote Moon just grins and lets out a healthy and evil laugh of her own.

CM: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! This is great! I should’ve taken up fanfic YEARS ago! (composing herself) Now where’s that funky fruit....?

****************************

The castaways huddle miserably inside Rezo’s hut, wondering just what the hell they could have done this time to make the Queen mad enough to let that lunatic write this week’s story. Outside could be heard the sound of the clones wrecking drunken havoc on the rest of the huts, probably just by using the nearly physical sound of that godawful laugh. Lina was conscious again, but was keeping her fingers in her ears to stay that way. It wasn’t helping.

Amelia: What did we do bad enough to make the Queen let that loonie guest write? See, told you so. Anyway, all eyes turn to Xelloss, who just shrugs and smiles.

Xelloss: Don’t look at me. I’ve been doing my best to keep the Queen a happy girl.

Zelgadis: Somehow, that doesn’t encourage me. Look, there’s gotta be some way to get rid of those Nahga’s before they wreck the place altogether.

Amelia: Couldn’t Lina just Dragon Slave them?

Lina: I would, except that coyote trickster added a predictable little plot twist.

Amelia: (groaning) Oh, no...you mean?

Xelloss: (grinning) Oh! Is it that time of the month again, Lina?

Lina knocks the trickster priest backwards with one powerful blow of her fist.

Zelgadis: You know, these guest writers really like that. It’s getting to be more like that time of the WEEK.

Amelia: Except for the ones that LIKE the fireballs and Dragon Slaves.

Stranger: It’s funny, but Moon usually LIKES things blowing up. I thought when she got around to doing this, she’d have Lina starting World War III, but hey, what do I know...you guys must have really pissed her off.

Entire Cast: (jumping as one) WHAAAAAAAAAA!

Appearing in their midst from seemingly nowhere is yet another strange girl, this one having ankle-length red hair, wide green eyes, and tall, perfect body dressed in a low-cut, billowy-sleeved silk shirt, leather corset, tight black pants and thigh-high leather boots. She also has pointy ears and fangs. Many pointy-eared, fanged people on the island today, eh?

Stranger: Sorry, did I startle you? My bad. Name’s Lady Reaper...or at least that’s what my subordinates call me. But you all can call me Bonnie.

Amelia: Where did you come from?

Bonnie: Oh, just passing through on my way to the Poison Elves universe. Really, I don’t know what’s gotten into everyone lately. First of all my daughter buggers off to the PE universe to wart Paratachin, and now Moon’s over here causing mass destruction with over-inflated drunk bimbos! Geez! Anyway, thought I’d pop in to help.

Gourrigan: Do you know how to get rid of the clones?

Bonnie: Oh yeah, hey, no prob.

Amelia: But how do we know we can trust you? After all, if Coyote Moon is the one writing this story, shouldn’t you be just another puppet in her machinations?

Bonnie: Machinations? Yep, this is one of Moon’s fics, all right. Her and those damn big words...Look, do you want to hear how to get rid of the Nahgas or not?

Entire Cast: YES!!!!

Bonnie: It’s easy. Coyote Moon’s a trickster demi-goddess, right? Well, what do you do to appease a goddess?

Rezo: Sacrifice a virgin?

Everyone looks at him incredulously, including Bonnie.

Bonnie: What the hell kind of priest are you? Aztec? No, I was thinking along the lines of some kind of offering.

Amelia: We could offer a basket of Funky Fruit.

Everyone pictures the already nuts demi-goddess wasted on Funky Fruit and shake their heads quickly.

Lina: I think that’s the last thing we want to try.

Zelgadis: We could offer her Xelloss.

Xelloss: Excuse me?

Zelgadis: Yeah, that way we get rid of the both of them. Two birds with one stone.

Lina: Yeah, but the Queen’d be pissed if we gave away her favorite.

Everyone falls silent and tries to think. Just what do they have on the island other than Funky Fruit and Xelloss that the trickster demi-goddess would be interested in?

Bonnie: Or...

Lina: Or?

Bonnie: Well, you could try for more drastic measures.

Zelgadis: Such as?

Bonnie: Lina could apologize.

Gourrigan: We’re doomed.

Lina: Hey!

Bonnie: It’s probably your only hope. Else she might do worse than the Nahga clones next. Remember Lina’s shadow double?

Zelgadis: We’re doomed.

Lina: Are you guys saying I’m incapable of apologizing?

Bonnie: Let’s find out. Lina, say the ‘S’ word.

Lina: Okay, fine! S-s-s-s-s, uh, s-s-o-o-...aw, shit.

Bonnie: (grinning) Wrong ‘S’ word, Red. Anyway, I’ll tell you what. You work on forcing out that nasty ‘S’ word, and I’ll go get rid of the Nahgas, ‘kay?

Bonnie ventures outside, and the rest of the cast are sure they will never hear from her again. Suddenly, Bonnie’s voice rings out.

Bonnie: Hey!! Mystical Island of Bishoumen eight miles northeast!

There is a pause in that obnoxious laughter, but it starts up again even louder than before. However, it begins to die out, as if they are quickly moving away. The castaways poke their heads out and see neither Nahgas nor the strange redhead.

Amelia: That was a cruel thing to do to the Bishounen.

Rezo: Should they actually get there. They’ll have to swim.

Bonnie’s Voice: (ringing out from above) You think they’ll actually sink with those built-in floatation devices? Heh. Good luck with Moon. And just remember...if you can’t apologize, get ‘er drunk. Works just as well. Later, guys!

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the castaways as yet, the wonderful and brilliant writer of all things Slayer fic is on the beach, soaking up the rays. On one side is a pile of Funky Fruit; on the other is a battery-operated blender and bottle of Bacardi rum, evidence that the author has been enjoying a Funky Fruit daquiri or two. Or ten. Now she’s kicked back in a beach chair, a 7 Eleven Big Gulp cup in her hand, filled to the brim with her new favorite drink, watching glowing neon dolphins play in the waves

CM: HoOo YeAh...nArcOtiC frUit aNd alCohOl...deFinitEly tHe waY tO fLy...

Deciding it was too hard to type speech when wasted, she quickly sobered up her speech, if nothing else. Ahhh, yes. Much better. Moon was feeling mellowed and cool with the world at large, now that she was in her favorite state: totally blitzed. She was so mellowed, in fact, that she had already arranged for a passing deaf whale to swallow the Nahga clones (no need for unnecessary animal cruelty, now is there?) so it would be that much harder for the other guest writers to use them. She was also singing "The Yellow Submarine" at the top of her voice.

CM: "We all live...(yeah)...in the yellow submarine (hic)..." Damn, I’m gone...bad me--bad, BAD me...I just had to go get wasted while I’m supposed to be writing a resposi--responsibble--aw, screw it. I gotta be nicer in this fic. Yeah, that’s it...

By now the castaways have figured out that Coyote Moon is probably where every other guest writer hangs out--on the beach--and have headed off in this direction. They easily find the wasted demi-goddess, and most are quite surprised to find her sunnin’ in her itsty-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka dot bikini...well, the bottom part of it anyway. Though it was hard to notice.

Gourrigan: Geez, Lina! She’s as small as you are!

Lina: (after bashing the idiot’s head a foot in the sand, leaving him looking like a very strange ostrich) Ohh, pay no attention. He’s an idiot.

CM: Du-uh...hey, uh...*snicker* really sorry about the Nahga thing...that was an naughty, naughty thing to do. Funny as hell, mind you, but naughty...*giggle* Anybody wanna give the coyote demi-goddess a spanking?

Rezo and Xelloss eagerly move forward, but a warning glare from the girls stop them in their tracks. Well, it stops Xelloss. Rezo, being blind and completely unaware of the danger that awaited him, keeps going until Lina’s fist gets the message through. Coyote Moon looks slightly disappointed, but the giggling starts again and she forgets.

CM: No, I don’t! *giggle* Dammit, I *snort* wanted a spanking! Quit teasing me!

Hey, who’s telling this story: me or you? As I was saying, the giggling demi-goddess, whose wasted eyes see the castaways more or less as the cast from H.R. Puffnstuff--

CM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not that! Anything but that!!

Lina: (completely confused) What the hell is going on?

Amelia: Isn’t she writing this fic? Why is she arguing with herself?

CM: I can’t help it! I’m just a character self created so the author could be in the story. Ever try arguing with a third person omniscient point of view, especially one that’s taken on a life of its own? You can’t!

Hey, quit giving away things here. Don’t make me start a cross-over!

CM: See? This always happens. I’m sitting here, trying to enjoy myself, sucking back a couple of narcotic daquiris, then I start treating my fictional self like CRAP! Sometimes it sucks being a self-created character...y’just can’t relax, otherwise weird shit starts happening because you give yourself ideas! I mean, if I start singing "The Yellow Submarine", the bloody thing’ll probably show up. Wanna see? Jes watch. "We all live in the Ye--urk!"

Zelgadis, who has no desire to see the Beatles make an appearance in this already deranged piece of fanfic, slaps a hand over her mouth. But it’s too late! The guest writer loves the idea! Yeah, let that psychedelic sub show up in the waves, that’d be great. The others look on in horror as the water begins to bubble, as if some horrible beast is trying to rise from the depths, and the girls open their mouths to scream as 88lu63 u89l6 8UL...

**********************

No, no, it’s all gotten too silly. It started out all right, what with the guest writer flying out of the air and landing on Xelloss, and the Nahga clones were enjoyable, but when it comes to the Yellow Submarine showing up in an anime spoof, you know it’s all gone too far.

And now for something completely different...

**********************

Bonnie tosses aside Coyote Moon’s now mummy-like wrapped body and watches in satisfaction as she wiggles and bounches angrily in the sand.

Bonnie: All seemed hopeless for the Slayers castaways...when suddenly, the guest writer suffered a fatal heart attack. The fanfic peril was no more...

Zelgadis: Oh, god...another Python fan...

Amelia: Heart attack?

Bonnie: Heart attack...strangulation into unconsciousness--same thing. At any rate, I took over this fanfic. You guys owe me big.

Amelia: Yeah, thanks! How can we ever thank you?

Bonnie: Well...two ways, actually. One, I want this week’s crop of Funky Fruit.

Entire Cast: Awwww....

Bonnie: ...and two, I want a couple of hours with Rezo.

Facefaults all around, except for Rezo, who starts to smile happily.

Rezo: You mean I’m finally gonna get some?

Lina: (raising her face from the sand) REZO?????

Bonnie: Yeah, Rezo. I’m a sucker for pretty eyelashes. Well, that and...the robes. I mean, look at ‘em! They don’t show anything! Not a hint! Do you know how long I’ve wondered just what’s under those things?

Entire Cast: WE DON’T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT!!!!

Rezo: Hey!

Bonnie: So, can I have ‘em?

The others shove the Red Priest at her, smiling hugely.

Rezo: I think I’m insulted.

Bonnie: Eh, ignore ‘em. Come on, I’ve got a little chalet in Switzerland we can adjourn to. And for those cracks, I’m leaving them a little something to remember me by.

Lina: (suspiciously) And just what would that be?

Suddenly, big eyes shining brightly with all the love and joy in her big humanitarian heart, SHE appears behind the castaways with hands clasped to her small bosom.

Shadow Double Lina: Aowwwww, Miss Lina! I’m so happy to have found you again!

Entire Cast: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Bonnie: (giggling) Suckers...