Two-Part
Premier Episode:
The Isle of Bishounen!
Open with a shot of the wrecked Noonza, as if looking through the eyes of someone arriving on the island, then track up the beach and along a path through the jungle. Sounds of leaves rustling as if from the passage of several people. We hear male voices but can’t make out discernable words. Back to the beach: Three outrigger canoes have been pulled up onto the sand and there are lots of footprints leading from them.
Go to the castaways’ excuse for a "village", a collection of huts they’ve built for themselves and all that unnecessary luggage they brought with them for a "three hour sail", though (oddly) they always wear the same outfits, anyway. At the table in the common area sit Gourrigan, Rezo and Xellos. Xellos is showing off his latest invention, which he’s sure will get them rescued.
Xellos: I cannibalized the radio from the boat, hooked it up to these coconuts and made an antenna out of a palm frond and some of Firia’s bobby pins.
Gourrigan: What’re the coconuts for?
Xellos: Not a clue, but they make it look like I used native materials in an impossibly clever way to create this radio-thingy. Anyway, I figure we can send a signal using this, and get rescued by the first ship that picks up our transmission! Pretty clever, huh?
Rezo: We’d have better luck tying the coconuts to a Swallow and sending the bird to look for a rescue ship!
Xellos: Would that be an African Swallow or a European Swallow?
Rezo: What? I don’t know!
There’s a great, big explosion and a flash of light, and Rezo goes flying over the trees and out of sight.
Gourrigan: Cool! Think we can pull that one on Amelia?
In another clearing, a group of incredibly handsome men has gathered to plot their next move. They have established there are other people on the island, not just by virtue of the recently-wrecked boat on the beach, but also because a tall man in red robes just crash landed in their midst.
Rezo: Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark.
Tasuki: Lekka Shien!
Flames fly from a metal fan in his hand and roast Rezo to a crisp.
Tasuki: #$%@-ing reflexes. Sorry.
Rezo: "Sorry" this, pretty boy!
Rezo hauls back with a fire spell, but the "pretty boys" in question pile on and pin him to the ground.
Rezo: Let me go, you fairies!
Hotohori: Who’s a fairy?
Tasuki: You wanna fry again, buddy?!
Suddenly, Rezo stops struggling as he realizes in just whose midst he’s landed.
Rezo: Wait a minute! You guys aren’t…no, it can’t be! The Isle of Bishounen is just a fable told by old maids who got stood up at the prom and never recovered! You can’t be—
Chichiri: Bishounen? An astute observation, na da!
Nuriko: We are, indeed, from the mythical Isle of Bishounen. But who are you, and who did such a dreadful thing to your hair?
Rezo bristles at yet another crack about his hair but chooses to let it pass since there are more of them then there are of him and the redhead still has his flame- throwing fan handy.
Rezo: I am Rezo, the Red Priest, Captain of the S.S. Noonza, which was wrecked upon this island in a storm.
Nuriko: Perhaps if you cut it very short, like Chichiri’s—
Rezo: Enough about my hair already!
Nuriko: --or grew it extremely long, so the weight of it would pull it straight—
Rezo: Will you give it a rest?!
Nuriko: Hmmm…yes, long hair, I think. Very flattering. You have such a lovely face, incredible skin—like ivory. (sigh) How do you keep it so fair?
Rezo: (pointing to Tasuki’s fan) Can I borrow that for a second?
Tasuki snatches his fan out of Rezo’s reach.
Tasuki: Get your own!
Nuriko: Ashram, darling, what do you think?
Ashram: I think if you call me "darling" one more time, you’re a dead Seishi.
Rezo: What are you people doing here, anyway?
Hotohori: Looking for brides. You see, there are only men on our island—
Tasuki: Unless you count Nuriko and Tomo…
Hotohori: Technically, they are men, but your point is noted. Where was I? Oh, right: Brides. We’re looking for some. Were women wrecked on this island with you, as well?
Rezo: None that you’d want, but if you get us back to Japan, I can hook you guys up with all kinds of beautiful girls!
Skepticism.
Rezo: No, really. I know lots of babes! Tons of ‘em! Single, nubile, willing women, who’d love to live on the fabled Isle of Bishounen!
Nuriko: Not with that hair and those clothes, you don’t! Please!
Rezo: That’s it! Gimme the #$%@-ing fan!
Tasuki: No way! Hey! Get off me, you #$%@-head! Let go of that! #$%@!
FOOMPH!
The clearing is now full of well-baked, yet still incredibly handsome, men.
Tasuki: You are so #$%@-ing dead!
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, Bishounen Scouting Party #2 is working its way inward from the beach and has happened upon Lina Inverse taking a bath in one of the island’s many idyllic springs. Heaven help them. The self-proclaimed sorceress supreme is singing a happy song whilst scrubbing herself with some coconut milk soap Xellos concocted to show off his skill at making useful stuff from native materials.
Lina: Who’s that whisperin’ in the trees? It’s two sailors and they’re on leave--
Inuyasha lays his ears back to block out the horrific sound and clenches his claws, thinking how he’d rather shred her hide than bring her back to Bishounen Island as a bride. However, he has a mission, a mission that if completed successfully will earn him full demon status. All he has to do is help kidnap a few babes so some of the guys can get married and he’s a full demon. Piece of cake. He motions for the rest of the scouting party to join him in the thick foliage at the edge of the spring. The twins Makoto Mizuhara and Keiichi Morisato (well, they look like twins to me, darn it) pull up to either side of him.
Makoto: I wish she’d stop singing!
Keiichi: No kidding! I’m used to goddesses voices! This girl is no goddess!
Inuyasha: Will you two shut up! She’ll hear you! And what are you doing here, anyway, Morisato? You have three goddesses in your stable—
Makoto: Which he won’t share…
Inuyasha: Feh! Selfish mortal!
Keiichi: Hey, can I help it if they want to stay with me?
Makoto: Go figure…
Inuyasha: Shhh! Right. Mizuhara, you circle around that way; Morisato, you come at her from the other side. I’ll grab her if she tries to cut this way through the spring. Ready?
M & K: Ready.
Inuyasha: Go!
Lina: Zoot suit riot! RIOT! Throw back a bottle of--eh?
The guys freeze where they stand. Lina strains her ears for a while, then decides she was imagining things and goes back to her bath.
Lina: A’ zoo-zayaaaa! A zoo-zah-zoo-zay! Zay-a-MRF!
Makoto stuffs a rag in Lina’s mouth and Keiichi thumps her on the head and knocks her out. The men wrap her in a blanket, then turn her over to Inuyasha, who, being the strongest of the trio, tosses her over his shoulder and leads the way back to the beach and the temporary holding pen where the prospective brides are to be kept until it’s time to go back to the Isle of Bishounen. Mission almost accomplished.
In a mango grove in yet another part of the island, Amelia is picking fruit for that evening’s dessert (does she make the perfect Mary Ann, or what?). As she picks, she sings a forlorn little tune that’s really very timely, considering the kidnappers sneaking up on her at that moment.
Amelia: Some day my prince will come! Sooooome day my prince will come! La-la-laaaa…
Hiding in the shrubbery, the kidnappers are somewhat taken aback by her singing voice.
Parn: She’s a...baritone?!
Ryoga: Who knew?
Ambioshi: But, she’s so…tiny…
Tamahome: Will you guys forget about her voice? Let’s just grab her and get out of here!
Amelia: (shifting gears) …tea for two and two for tea and tea for you and tea for me and…(she bobs her head merrily back and forth)
Suboshi: Scary.
Ambioshi: Very.
Tamahome: Get. Her. Now!
Parn: Ok! Ok! Ryoga? On three…One…Two…THREE!
Parn and Ryoga charge out of the bushes, across the clearing and snatch Amelia in mid-note, sending fruit flying everywhere. The strap on her canteen breaks and it goes flying, its cap coming free and dumping cold water on Ryoga, who promptly becomes a tiny pot-bellied pig with a bandana.
Ryoga: KWEEEE!?
Parn: Oh, great. That’s just great. Will somebody come get P-Chan?
Tamahome dashes out, scoops up the little pig, then high tails it back into the bushes, leading the way back to the beach and the afore-mentioned holding pen. Two down, one to go.
Scouting party #4 has made it as far inland as the hut complex. Nakago, evil hunk supreme, has forged ahead of the rest of his group and is peering around the broad trunk of a coconut tree at the two men arguing over a coconut-palm frond-radio contraption between them. One of them is waving around a staff with a red crystal in it, the other appears to have stone skin. A third man is staring disinterestedly into space while twirling his long, blonde hair around his pinky. Nakago is about to give up and order his crew to search elsewhere when Firia emerges from one of the huts and starts off down a path on the other side of the clearing from him. Nakago smirks to himself and ducks back into the underbrush where the rest of his party is waiting for his report.
Nakago: Female. Twelve o’clock. Heading west. Let’s go.
Ranma: You call that a female? She had a tail!
Mousse: Yes, a dragon’s tail.
Nakago: (slaps Mousse) You couldn’t see the side of a barn if you’re nose was smashed into it! I didn’t see any tail. We’re wasting time!
Mitsukake: She has a tail, Nakago.
Nakago: So she has a tail. Big deal! She’s still a female, so let’s go get her!
Ranma: Yeah, but a female what?
Nakago: (jabs a finger in Ranma’s face) One more word out of you, and I get out the cold water and take you home as a bride!
Ranma: Not if you wanna live long enough to get home!
Mitsukake: Gentlemen, please! Let’s go get the girl, hm?
Nakago: That’s what I’ve been trying to—
Ranma: We know!
Nakago: Brrrr! Cold water! Brrrr!
Ranma: Shut up, man!
Mousse: She’s getting away!
Nakago: WELL GO GET HER!
They all dive on Nakago to shut him up, but it’s too late. The guys at the table heard the shout and are on their feet and headed straight for the Bishounen in the bushes (say that 10 times, fast).
Nakago: #$%@!
Mousse: RUN!
Xellos: Get ‘em!
Zelgadis: They’re getting away! Earth below me, submit to my will!
Gourrigan: NOT HERE!
Xellos: WE’RE ON AN ISLAND, YOU IDIOT!
Zelgadis: STONE SPIKER!
All but Zel: #$%@! RUN FOR IT!
Rumble, rumble, rumble—CRASH! Huge spikes of rock jut out of the earth, followed by sprays of seawater, plant material, coconuts and fish. At the pinnacle of each spike is a gorgeous, very cross-looking guy. From his vantage point, Zelgadis can see all around the island, including the holding pen wherein are being held the unconscious Lina and Amelia.
Zelgadis: Our women are in a cage on the south side of the island!
He turns to the nearest stranger.
Zelgadis: I don’t suppose you know anything about that?
Nakago: The island is sinking because of your stupid spell, and you’re worried about that?!
Zelgadis: They’re my friends—
Ranma: (now girl-type from being sea-sprayed) Big deal! We’re all gonna drown thanks to you, stone-boy!
Xellos: Yeah! Nice going, Zel! Waitaminit! Weren’t you a man--?
Ranma: Get over it!
Zelgadis: Hey, you said you wanted to get off this island!
Gourrigan: I think she was a guy! Hey, Zel, does your stone spiker usually turn guys into girls?
Ranma: It wasn’t the spell, you dummy! When I get splashed with cold water, I turn into a girl, and Mousse turns into a duck.
Mousse: Quack!
Gourrigan: Bummer…
Xellos: Fascinating!
Nakago: We are going to drown--
Zelgadis: (rolls his eyes) The island won’t sink because it’s got a few holes in it, so you’re not going to drown. Now, about our women…?
The other men (woman and duck) look at each other sheepishly, realizing that, indeed, the island is in no danger of sinking any time soon. Xellos, Gourrigan and Zelgadis fix the newcomers with evil glares and prepare to leap onto the other guys’ spikes to fight them, but the Bishounen are way ahead of them.
Nakago: Retreat!
He and his crew leap from their spikes and make a run for the south beach, the castaways hot on their heels. Mousse takes off with a loud "quack" and flies after them.
Gourrigan: Come back here, you cowards!
Xellos: Girl-nappers!
Zelgadis: Bastards! Come back and fight like men!
Firia, hearing all the commotion, becomes horribly distressed, loses control, morphs into dragon form and takes to the skies. From her aerial vantage point, she can see the southbound chase through the jungle and Lina and Amelia conked out in a bamboo cage on the beach, as well as the results of Zelgadis’ little temper tantrum. She swoops low and scoops up the cage with her claws, then heads back inland in search of a safe place to release her friends. Below her, drop-dead gorgeous men pitch fits and curse at her colorfully, especially a red-haired one with a fan, which he uses to throw flames at her. Firia easily dodges the fire and is soon out of range. As she flies away, she notices a group of outrigger canoes sailing fast toward the island. In them are scads of beautiful women in skimpy battle gear.
Firia: Can it be? I thought the Isle of Bishoujo was just a myth! Yes! Allies! Those bishounen will pay for trying to kidnap us! Hah!