Funky Fairy Tale Fruit
by The Queen of Swords

Although she has vowed never to eat the Queen of Swords cooking again, Lina Inverse had some more of the Queen’s nachos and pizza for dinner. Her dreams are rather vivid…

QOS: Once upon a time in a faraway land there was a beautiful princess named Lina, who was being forced by her wicked sister to marry the evil Lord Xellos. Now Xellos was a mighty sorcerer-king from across the sea, who promised Luna, Lina’s sister and Queen of the Land of Giga, that he wouldn’t attack her homeland if she would give him the hand of her lovely sister in marriage. To save her country from being obliterated, Luna agreed, and the wedding date was set. Nobody bothered to ask Lina because that simply wasn’t done in those days when people married for convenience, rather than love. But Lina was a romantic and had long ago decided that she would only marry for love. Therefore, as soon as the marriage was announced, Lina ran away and hid in the forests of Giga. After hours and hours of running, the beautiful princess could run no more and fell asleep under a giant oak tree, where she was found the next morning by a merry band of dwarves on their way out to the mines where all these really fantastic jewels were, for you see, the dwarves were very greedy and very, very bad dressers.

Naga 1: Oh, lookie-lookie! It’s a skinny, flat chested girl with no taste in clothes!

Naga 2: Poor thing! If only she had our beauty, she wouldn’t be stuck out here in the woods all by herself!

Naga 3: She’d have a handsome prince with her! AH-HA-HA-HA-HAA!

Lina awoke with a big yawn, then she saw the itty-bitty women in tiny bikinis and giggled.

Lina: What funny little women you are! Would you like to be my sidekicks? See, I’m running away so I don’t have to marry the evil Lord Xellos, and since I’ve been studying magic I figure I can make a living doing that! But it’d be super cool to have some sidekicks!

Nagas: What?! Us, be sidekicks for a skinny, flat chested girl like you?! AH-HA-HA-HA-HAA! You can be our sidekick instead!

Lina: (muttering) Whatever. I’m hungry, do you have anything to eat?

QOS: The Nagas took the poor, lost princess back to their cottage, which was chock full of good food and lots of booze, upon which the Nagas got the princess really blotto. They spent the rest of the day singing silly songs and boasting about what powerful sorceresses they were, then they stumbled outside because it sounded like a good idea at the time and passed out. In the morning, the Nagas got up and marched off to the mine to dig up some really expensive jewels, leaving the princess to sleep it off. Whilst the princess slept, a handsome prince with long golden hair, big blue eyes and a powerful white charger rode up to the Nagas’ cottage. He saw the princess passed out on the grass and instantly fell in love with her.

Gourrigan: Oh, fair maiden! At last I’ve found you, my one true love! Let me take you to my castle so we can get married and live happily ever after in the lap of luxury!

QOS: He put the still unconscious princess on his horse and rode away to his kingdom, where they got married, had scads of beautiful children and lived happily ever after, wallowing in riches and really fantastic food. In gratitude for showing her a good time (and because princesses are generous like that), Lina invited the Nagas to live with her at the castle and share in her wealth and happiness. Meanwhile, the evil Lord Xellos was pretty pissed that his intended had run off with a pretty boy and got married, so he sacked the land of Giga and took Luna back to his homeland as his bride, instead.

The End.

Lina wakes up in her hut, realizes it had been just a dream and weeps very, very loudly, waking up everybody else on the island, who get really mad at her and scream in her face until she shuts up and goes back to sleep.

Lina: But I was a princess! WAAAA!

Sylphiel: Big deal! Go to sleep!

Amelia: I already am a Princess, so there! Now go to sleep!

Naga: Princesses aren’t flat chested! AH-ha-ha-ha—OOF!

Lina: I was a beautiful princess who got carried off by a handsome prince on a white horse, who married me and we lived happily ever after, but I woke up to you guys! That sucks! WAAAAA!

All: GO TO SLEEP!

Whack! Whack! Whack!

Lina: Sniffle.

Amelia: Go. To. Sleep.

Meanwhile, a lone outrigger canoe lands on the beach. A tall, blonde-haired man jumps out and pulls the canoe ashore, then heads into the jungle toward the group of huts, following a tip from an old buddy of his, who stopped for directions there a few days ago. Rarely did he leave the Isle of Bishounen, but Van had given him a tip about there being some hot babes on this island, so Allen Shezar, Knight of Astoria, decided to take his chances with some of the lovely ladies (since he’d already seduced damn near every other chick in the South Pacific). Time for some fresh meat.

Knock-knock.

Lina rolls over in her hammock, still unable to sleep but just as sure that it’s just Gourrigan knocking on the door to see if she’s sleeping yet, the big doofus.

Knock-knock.

Allen: Excuse me? Is anyone home? I seem to be lost and was wondering if there was anyone who might be able to give me directions to—AH!

The door flies open to reveal Lina Inverse in her nighty, big eyes a-sparkle and grinning happily.

Lina: Oooh! I knew you’d come! My handsome prince!

Allen: Knight, actually—

Lina: Whatever! This is so cool!

Firia: Omigosh it’s another bishounen! Oooh!

Amelia: Who’s he?!

Sylphiel: Wow…

Naga: Hubba-hubba! Don’t waste your time with her, Sir Knight! Ah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

Naga grabs Lina and jerks her back into the hut. Amelia does the same to Naga, then Sylphiel does the same to Amelia, then Firia does it to Sylphiel. By now everybody else is awake and out of their huts wondering what all the commotion is about this time. Lina jerks Firia out of the way, then pushes Allen out of the hut and into the clearing and wraps her arms around his middle possessively.

Lina: My name’s Lina, what’s yours?

Gourrigan: Lina! What are you doing? Let go of him!

Lina: No way! Get your own!

Gourrigan: Yuck! He’s a guy!

Naga: No, Gourrigan, he’s a MAN! Out of my way, Lina dear!

Naga dislodges Lina and throws her over her shoulder, then wraps herself around Sir Allen and bats her eyes at him prettily. Allen is really digging all this female attention, but he’s a knight and a gentleman, so he plays it cool.

Allen: And what might your name be, My Lady?
Naga: He called me "My Lady"! Oooh! *giggle* I’m Naga the White Serpent, lovely and powerful sorceress! Lina there is my sidekick.

Lina: Sidekick?! Why you… Fireball!

Naga gets roasted, but Lina’s expertise is such that Allen isn’t even singed, though he’s a bit startled by the use of sorcery. Van didn’t mention that part. Figures. Anything to keep him away from Hitomi. Lina is about to hug Allen again, but Amelia and Sylphiel get into a minor catfight over the privilege, soon drawing Lina, Firia and Naga into it. The other lady appears to be attached to a tall man with a large sword, so Allen chooses to ignore her, even if she is making eyes at him. Then there’s this guy with stone skin, who looks quite relieved over something, and two tall men with staffs, who are just amused. The big blonde chap, however, looks to be spoiling for a fight. And he has a sword. Goodie, a chance to show off for the ladies! Allen hopes the man draws, and as luck would have it, Gourrigan does.

Gourrigan: I dunno who you are or where you came from, pal, but Lina’s my girl, so get your hands off her and draw your sword!

Lina: I’m your what?!

Gourrigan: Shut up, Lina, this is between us guys!

Lina: Shut up? Did you just tell me to shut up?

Allen: That’s no way to speak to a lady, sir.

Gourrigan: Yeah, well she’s no lady, either, SIR!

Lina: *gape* Ex-SKUZE me?!

Gourrigan: She’s Lina Inverse, the mightiest sorceress ever to walk the earth! Slayer of Dark Lords and bandits!

Lina: Well, uh, yeah, but—

Allen: You’ve insulted a lady and a mighty sorceress, Sir! I am bound by the laws of chivalry to defend her honor! Stand and fight!

Lina: Now wait just a damn minute, you two! I can defend—YIKES!

Gourrigan and Allen start circling each other. Xellos and Rezo grin and run to get the table out of the way to give the combatants room to maneuver. This is the best entertainment they’ve had since Amelia found the Funky Fruit! Everybody backs away as far as they can, while the two big blondes go at it with their shiny phallic symbols, shouting really manly things at each other about honor and chivalry and kicking each others asses. Lina is mentioned once or twice, but is pretty much forgotten in favor of overblown male posturing. However, they all admit the two swordsmen are quite brilliant and evenly matched. Zangulus calls out that he’s gets to fight whoever wins. Lina says she won’t have anything to do with whoever wins, since they’re both being buttheads. Both she and Zangulus are ignored.

Hours later, they’re still going at it. The sun rises, everybody else eats breakfast, they’re still fighting. Noon, lunch, still fighting, though looking a bit tired now. Another hour passes, and Lina gets an idea. She pulls Amelia over and whispers in her ear. The Princess giggles and dashes off to her hut. In a minute, she returns with a small, cloth-wrapped bundle and a knife. She unwraps the bundle and slices off two big chunks of it, then hands what’s left to Lina. Amelia puts herself between the two swordsmen, who immediately stop fighting. She grins and shoves the juicy red fruit into their mouths, then retreats to the sidelines to wait for the fun to begin.

Allen: Mmm! This is delicious! Thank you, Princess—ooh…hullo…wow…

Gourrigan: You are so dead, Amelia! Where’d you get more Funky Fruity—ootie—hee-hee! Fruity Funk, baby! Give up the funk! Yeah! Heh.

Allen: Hee-hee-hee! Ziss iz great schtuff, man! Wut izzit?

Gourrigan: Funky Fruit, baby! Yeah! Iz funky!

Lina turns to her friends and smiles a beatific smile.

Lina: You know, I’m glad he showed up. Things were getting pretty dull around here, you know?

Amelia: Think he’s from that Isle of Bishounen?

Lina: Probably.

Naga: There really is a whole island of beautiful boys like him? Ah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

Lina: Naga, where are you going?

Naga: *cackle*

Naga disappears through the jungle, heading for the beach, where she hides herself in Sir Allen’s outrigger. Meanwhile, back at the village…

Allen: An’ she leff me for dat King Van kid, man!

Gourrigan: Whoa, dude! I know him! He’z lozd, dude! King Lozd of Fanny!

Allen: Bffffssss! King of Fanny! Woooo! Good one, man!

They try to high five each other but miss and wind up flat on their backs, still giggling over King Van of Fanny.

Firia: I can’t believe you still have some Funky Fruit, Amelia. Where are you getting it anymore? I thought the trees were bare?

Amelia: Not anymore! It’s growing season again! Cool, huh?

Firia: If you’re into that sort of thing…

Lina: Oh, like you weren’t! You big hypocrite!

Firia: Hey! I gave it up! I’m straight now!

Amelia: Yeah, right.

She stuffs a piece of fruit into Firia’s mouth, but Firia just spits it out again and grinds it into the dust.

Firia: That was mean, Amelia!

Amelia: ACK! I can’t believe you just did that!

Lina: Firia! That was low!

Firia: Fruit Heads.

Sylphiel: What’s Funky Fruit?

Firia: You don’t want to know, Sylphiel, believe me!

Amelia: Here! Try some!

She stuffs a piece into Sylfiel’s mouth and within moments, the shrine priestess is telling them all about her teddy bear and her dolls and asking if they want to have a tea party.

Lina: She’s boring.

Amelia: Yeah. Let’s get Zelgadis stoned again—he does a great Keith Richards when he’s wasted!

Zelgadis: Not today, girls, I have a headache. Bye!

Zel retreats to his hut, followed by Firia, who has had enough drug humor for one afternoon and goes back to her own hut to sleep for the rest of the day. Bored, Xellos and Rezo go to bed, too, then Zangulus and Martina yawn their way back to bed, as well, leaving Lina and Amelia to watch Sylphiel try to have a tea party with Allen and Gourrigan, who are still getting off on the King of Fanny thing. Lina yawns. So much for handsome princes.

Lina: C’mon, Amelia. I’m beat.

Amelia: Yeah, this is boring.

She stops and looks down upon Gourrigan and Sir Allen and makes a rather startling realization.

Amelia: They look kind of alike, don’t they?

Lina: Nah. It’s just the hair and eyes. Their faces are totally different. Anyway, Allen seemed kind of smart till he started being a macho butthead.

Amelia: I guess you’re right. Geez, these men are all alike, aren’t they?

Lina: Yeah. I guess handsome princes on white horses only exist in fairy tales. Oh well. At least I can dream about them, right?

Amelia: Right! Think some Funky Fruit would help?

Lina: Nah. I’d just dream about Xellos, or something equally weird.

They enter their hut, curl up in their hammocks and go to sleep. Back in the clearing…

Gourrigan: King of Fanny! The Fanny King!

Allen: King Butt! Huh. Huh-huh.

Gourrigan: You said "butt". Huh-huh-huh.

Sylphiel: Cream and sugar, Sir Fanny? Hee-hee!

Gourrigan: Allen, Knight of Fanny! Wooo!

Allen: Thaz Astor—uh, Ass—uh. Huh-huh. Knight of Ass! Hee-hee!

Gourrigan: BWA-HA-HA-HAAA! Good one! Yeah!