Amelia sits at the table in the middle of the Castaways’ village, reading manga. Periodically, she heaves a gigantic sigh and pauses for a little daydreaming before returning to the story.

Amelia: Sailor Moon is so romantic…Princess Serenity and Prince Endymion’s eternal love, even through reincarnation, is so inspiring! And Sailor Moon’s dedication to the cause of justice makes my righteous heart pound with a mighty love for—

Xellos: What’s that you’re reading, Princess? Hmmmm…Sailor Moon…

Xellos pulls the manga closer as he sits down next to Amelia, who is blushing like crazy. The Trickster Priest flips through a few pages, looks up thoughtfully, flips through the manga some more, contemplates Amelia, frowns. Finally, he returns the book to its owner and leaves without another word.

Amelia: What?! Xellos! Come back here and tell me what you’re thinking, you tricky fruitcake!

Xellos keeps walking towards the jungle. Amelia jumps up onto the table and strikes a pose.

Amelia: Never mind, foul demon! I know exactly what you’re thinking!

Xellos pauses just inside the foliage and turns to give Amelia a wicked smirk. She gags in mid-speech, suddenly wishing she’d just let him leave.

Xellos: Oh? And just what am I thinking this time…*dramatic pause*… SAILOR JUSTICE?!

Amelia chokes again, her heart pounding excitedly in her chest. Yes! Yes! That’s it exactly! Her true destiny! Oh, why hadn’t she seen it before? True warriors of justice didn’t just wear white—they wore modified sailor fukus, carried magic pens and got fabulous new outfits and powers just by shouting something like—

Amelia: PEACE AND JUSTICE FOR ALL MANKIND MAKE-UP!

Amelia waits for the fireworks. Xellos waits for the fireworks. Both of them are disappointed.

Amelia: Well, crap.

She crosses her arms and taps her foot impatiently.

Amelia: You’d think the universe would recognize that I’m a true warrior of justice and bestow upon me amazing magical powers and a really cool wardrobe on demand! How am I supposed to fight wicked villains in the same old outfit all the time?!

She stomps her foot.

Amelia: DAMMIT! I DESERVE A COOL WARDROBE AND AN INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC BACKSTORY!

She chews a fingernail as she regards the bemused Xellos, who has returned to the table to watch her throw a temper tantrum. Gourrigan and Lina emerge from their respective huts to see what all the commotion is about. Soon, Amelia’s speech-making table is ringed by her fellow castaways, who can’t believe she’s actually found a new angle for her justice rants.

Lina: There is no justice. If there were, she wouldn’t be able find new things to rant about.

Gourrigan: Yeah, you’d think she’d have run out of material by now.

Sylphiel: But…when you think about it, she’d make a pretty good Magical Girl, don’t you think , Gourrigan-dearest?

Amelia: OH, HOW RIGHT YOUR ARE, SYLPHIEL, DEAREST AND MOST OBSERVANT FRIEND!

All: YIPES!

Xellos: Giggle.

Amelia: Let’s try this again, shall we?

Amelia points a finger to the heavens and revs up for a really good rant. She takes a deep breath and…

Amelia: JUSTICE AND PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND MAKE UP!

Crickets chirp, a tumbleweed blows through the clearing.

Xellos: I think I see your problem.

Amelia: You do?

Martina: She’s a freak…

Zangulus: A weirdo…

Firia: An obsessive-compulsive lunatic…

Zelgadis: Don’t forget delusional. She’s definitely delusion—

Amelia: IT IS YOU WHO ARE DELUSIONAL, MY BELOVED ZELGADIS, PRINCE OF THE EARTH! OUR LOVE IS FROM OF OLD (you just haven’t remembered that yet) AND SHALL NEVER DIE!

Blink-blink-blink.

Rezo: I think she means it this time, Grandson.

With an evil grin, he throws back his cloak and declares loudly and with the sort of really impressive drama only a truly great anime bad guy can muster:

Rezo: Yes, my beloved Grandson! Here is your one, true love, your Princess, with whom you had a grand romance but just forgot because you got reincarnated as my grandson and turned into a chimera and sent on a big quest for the Philosopher’s Stone (which you screwed up), then wound up with a homicidal maniac sorceress and her idiot swordsman friend. BUT FEAR NOT!

Gasp!

Rezo: Soon your memories will return and you and your beloved Sailor Justice will live happily ever after in the Moon Kingdom—er…wait a minute. That’s not right. AH! You will live happily ever after in the Seyruun Kingdom!

Lina leans in close to Gourrigan and whispers:

Lina: I think Rezo’s flipped.

Gourrigan: Oh, I dunno…I think Amelia and Zel are cute to—OOF!

Zelgadis withdraws his elbow from Gourrigan’s gut with a terrible scowl, daring anybody else to follow through on Rezo’s joke. Xellos is first to step up to the plate.

Xellos: As I was saying: I see your problem, Princess.

He pulls a big, purple pen with lots of sparklies on it and a big heart on the cap out of his cloak and hands it to Amelia, who accepts it with a squeal of delight.

Xellos: You need a magic wand! Now, try that make up thing again.

Amelia holds the pen aloft and cries:

Amelia: JUSTICE AND PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND—

Firia: Don’t forget dragonkind.

Lina: And womankind. It wouldn’t be just to leave anybody out.

Gourrigan: Hey! What about swordsman kind?!

Zangulus: Yeah!

Martina: And married people-kind!

Rezo: And physically-challenged people-kind! You can’t leave out disabled people just because we’re different than you! That certainly wouldn’t be just.

Xellos: What about us monsters? Aren’t we entitled to the services of a Magical Girl, too?

Sylphiel: Hmph! Some champion of justice you turned out to be!

Amelia: DO YOU MIND?! I’M TRYING TO MORPH, HERE!

All: Sorry.

Amelia straightens her tunic, holds the pen aloft and gives it another go. She starts to shout, pauses to glare at her cohorts, who look sheepishly at their feet, then goes back at it.

Amelia: JUSTICE AND PEACE FOR EVERYBODY MAKE UP!

Suddenly Amelia’s engulfed in sparkling, golden light. As she slowly turns, her clothes disappear (just long enough to titillate her audience), then upon her body appears…

Amelia: What the--?

Xellos: Giggle!

Lina: She’s a—a—

Naga: AH-HA-HA-HA-HAAA! A Telatubbie!

Firia: Sailor Tinkie-Winkie?

Martina: How…annoying…

Rezo elbows Xellos.

Rezo: You are so good.

Xellos: Actually, I was shooting for Barney, but this is much better.

Before them stands a Telatubbie in a micro-mini sailor fuku, glittering tiara, goofy hair buns and magic wand. Only, the Telatubbie has Amelia’s face. She bursts into tears.

Amelia: WAAAAAA! I’m so embarrassed! I was supposed to turn into a Sailor Scout—a beautiful, romantic Sailor Scout! A sexy warrior of justice! Not a—a—an insipid, British children’s TV show char—Who are they?

Amelia points toward the huts, and everybody turns around to see what’s got her attention. In front of the girls hut stand three men and two women. One of the women has pink hair and big, round glasses, the other wears a mini skirt. Of the men: One is tall, blonde and built like a brick; the second is tall and lean with long, dark hair and white robes; the third is…um…well…glomed onto Naga at the moment.

Carrot: Hey, baby, let’s go on a date!

Naga: AH-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!

Carrot faints in the face of Naga’s terrifying cackle.

Tira: Hm. That’s new.

Chocolate: Darling! Darling, get up!

She runs to Carrot’s side, checks his vitals, then gets up and decks Naga, laying the mighty sorceress out flat.

Chocolate: You hurt Darling!

Naga: ah-ha-ha-ha-choke

Blink-blink-blink.

Gateau: Say…isn’t that a--?

Marron: Telatubbie.

Tira:    Is that the forbidden magic Big Mamma was talking about? I thought she said we were supposed to destroy the evil Lina Inverse, world-devouring—

Gateau: Flat-chested—

Chocolate: Fireball-slinging—

Marron: Sorceress Supreme. I believe that’s Lina over there, winding up to fry us to a crisp with one of her signature fireball spells.

Carrot comes to and sits up, rubbing his head. He spies Lina just as she’s revving up a really good attack spell for that flat-chested comment of Gateau’s. His eyes sparkle and he begins to drool. Jumping to his feet, he clasps Lina’s hands, forcing her to abort the spell.

Carrot: (in a deep, sexy voice) My darling Lina, you are so beautiful.

Lina: *sputter*

Carrot: Is there someplace where we can be alone, my little fireball of love?

Gourrigan: "Fireball of love"? Hey! Get your hands off her!

Lina: Shut up, Gourrigan! *ahem* You were saying…?

Carrot: Your eyes are like sparkling rubies, your hair the fire that burns in my heart, your fair skin the milk of the gods…

Martina (to Zangulus): Shouldn’t you be taking notes?

Zangulus: Uh…

Marron: Well, this is certainly anticlimactic.

Gateau: Yeah, we didn’t even get to do that "your evil is ended because the Sorcerer Hunters are here" thing we always do.

Everything stops, except for Carrot, who keeps blathering on about Lina’s attributes, and Chocolate, who’s whining something about how her darling should be admiring her attributes. More specifically, Sailor Tinkie-Winkie is getting really bent out of shape now that she’s no longer the center of attention, but before she can say anything, Zelgadis speaks up.

Zelgadis: Did you say Sorcerer Hunters?

Tira: Uh-huh. That’s us!

Zelgadis motions for the other sorcerers to gather round for a huddle. He has to bonk Carrot on the head and drag Lina into the circle by force. The levity of the situation is severely impaired by the giant Telatubbie in their midst, but Zel soldiers on.

Zel:    Sorcerer hunters, you guys. This is bad.

Firia: How come? They’re just after Lina.

Lina: Thanks a lot!

Rezo: Yes, but once they’re through with Lina…

Naga: They’ll come after us! AH-HA—OOF!

All: SHHHH!

A shaggy dark-haired head pokes into the huddle between Sylphiel’s legs.

Carrot: La Pumpkin? What are you doing?

Xellos nudges Lina.

Xellos: I think he means you, La Pumpkin.

Lina: Shut up.

A tap on her back pulls Lina out of the huddle and turns her about to face the unhappy chick in a mini skirt.

Lina: Yeah, what?

Chocolate: You’ve hurt my darling’s feelings…and that pisses me off.

Lina: Whatever.

Lina goes back into the huddle. Behind her, Chocolate whips off her coat in a flash of blinding light. Carrot grabs Lina’s hand and drags her out of the huddle and away from the transforming Chocolate, toward the jungle. Chocolate is now a sexy, pseudo-French biker chick with a big needle on a long, mean-looking metal chord. She runs the chord through her teeth and purrs:

Chocolate: No one hurts my darling and gets away with it!

The Castaways gulp in unison.

Zelgadis: This is not good…

Chocolate whips her needle thing at Lina, who only just barely dodges it, leaving it quivering in a tree trunk. The Castaways watch it quiver.

Zelgadis: Suggestions?

Lina rubs her hands together and lines up the shot.

Lina: How ‘bout a…FLARE ARROW!

Gourrigan: HIT THE DECK!

Everybody plasters themselves to the ground as the island is rocked as if by a mighty earthquake. When the smoke clears, the only people standing are Lina, Chocolate and Carrot, who used his body to block the flare arrow. Suddenly he begins to shake, his body contorts, distorts and grows fur, fangs and claws.

Carrot: ROOOOAAARRRR!

Lina: Eep!

Zelgadis: Definitely not good. Definitely.

Amelia: JUSTICE AND PEACE FOR ALL—mrf-urf! Zelgadiff!

The Castaways pile on top of Sailor Tinkie-Winkie to keep her from transforming into something really scary. Meanwhile, Tira is transforming into something really scary: A sexy, pink-haired chick in yellow hotpants. In her hands is a great, big bullwhip. She snaps it with an evil chuckle.

Tira:    Carrot…time to take your medicine…

Carrot: Roar? EEK!

While Tira whips Carrot-monster, the Castaways return to their huddle.

Gourrigan: These people are weird!

Zangulus: Yeah, well at least they can morph right!

He gives Sailor Tinkie-Winkie a meaningful glare. Amelia in turn glares at Xellos.

Amelia: And whose fault is that?!

Xellos: Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to accept magical pens from strangers?

Amelia: You’re not a stranger.

Firia: No, he’s just strange.

Lina: HELLO?! We’re a little off the subject, people! YEOWCH!

Having finished with Carrot, Tira turns her whip on the sorceress she’s been sent to destroy. Lina spins on her with a fireball cupped in her hands.

Lina: Why you---

CRACK!

Lina: OW!

CRACK!

Lina: Cut it out!

CRACK!

Lina: Somebody make her stop!

Xellos: Sorry! Not my day to rescue you!

Rezo: Not mine, either! Sorry!

CRACK!

Lina: FIREBA—OUCH! FIRE—OUCH! This isn’t funny, you guys!

Amelia: JUSTICE FOR ALL MANKIND MAKE UP!

Zelgadis: Uh-oh…

Naga: Ah-ha-ha! She never learns! Eh?

Big flash of light, Amelia gets naked then gets a new outfit. When it’s all over, she’s…

Amelia: SAILOR KENNY!

Xellos exchanges a meaningful look with Rezo.

Xellos: Go ahead.

Rezo: Oh, no, I couldn’t. This is your game.

Xellos: Are you quite sure?

Rezo: Please. Be my guest.

Xellos: Thank you.

Rezo: Don’t mention it.

Xellos rolls up his sleeves, but before he can zap Sailor Kenny, Chocolate launches her needle-thing at Lina. Lina ducks, and the needle-thing hits a coconut, setting off a wildly improbably chain reaction involving the table, Gourrigan’s sword, Naga’s bra and Firia’s headgear, which hits Sailor Kenny in the head, decapitating her in an overdone spray of blood and gore.

Sylphiel: Oh my gosh! They killed Sailor Kenny!

Lina: Those bastards!

Rats appear out of nowhere to munch on Sailor Kenny’s head, while everybody else grosses out.

Gateau: I can’t deal with this.

Marron: They’ll destroy themselves eventually, with or without our help. So I suppose we can consider this mission accomplished, more or less.

Pause.

Gateau: Works for me. This island has some pretty nice beaches. Up for a swim, girls?

Tira and Chocolate return to their less "intimidating" forms with shrieks of delight and, pulling Carrot along by the hair, follow Gateau and Marron through the jungle to the nearest beach.

Back in the clearing…

Zelgadis: On the one hand, this solves one of my more annoying problems. On the other hand…she’s starting to stink.

Naga: But those rats are so cute! AH-HA-HA-HAAAA!

Firia: They’re icky!

Sylphiel: We can’t leave her like this! Xellos, change her back right now!

Xellos: Can’t. Sorry.

Rezo: Giggle.

Lina: Xellos…

Gourrigan spears a rat with the Sword of Light.

Gourrigan: Sylphiel’s right, Xellos. We can’t leave Amelia like this. What happens when she runs out of rats? This is fun!

He spears another one. Zangulus draws his sword and joins him.

Firia: That was low, Gourrigan.

Lina: Xellos, change her back.

Xellos sighs.

Xellos: Oh, very well.

He waves his hand and Sailor Kenny becomes Amelia, only she’s still a decapitated haven for rats.

Lina: Put her head back on.

Xellos: Sorry—

Lina: Darkness beyond twilight…crimson blood that flows…

Xellos: OK! OK!

He puts Amelia back together, and the rats disappear.

Lina: She’s still dead, Xellos…

Xellos: Nothing I do ever makes you happy, does it? Always some nit picky little thing that’s wrong!

Lina: …buried in the flow of time…

Xellos: OK! OK!

Amelia, now fully restored, does the first thing that comes to mind: She hops up onto the table, raises her magic wand aloft and cries:

Amelia: JUSTICE AND MERCY FOR ALL—

And gets tackled, bound, gagged and thrown into her hut by her so-called friends. Lina brushes off her hands and beams:

Lina: So! What say we introduce our guests to the joys of Funky Fruit? All in favor?

All:        AYE!

Lina: Zel? Get the fruit.