Big Red
Funky Fruit
by The Queen of Swords
It’s just another night of coconut milk, coconut porridge and coconut pie for the castaways, who try to make the best of their situation, since complaining will only offend the cook. And nobody wants to be the one responsible for setting off another of Princess Amelia’s speeches. So they all smile and chat amiably and try not be sick from eating so much coconut all in one sitting.
Amelia: Ok, you guys, give it up. I know you don’t like my cooking, so quit pretending you do.
Gourrigan: It’s not that we don’t like your cooking, Amelia—you’re a really good cook! It’s just that…well…aren’t there things on this island to eat other than coconuts?
Amelia: How should I know? Xellos gathers the food, I just cook it.
Everybody looks at Xellos, who holds up his hands defensively and grins.
Xellos: If anyone else thinks they can tell what’s safe to eat and what isn’t, I’ll gladly give up foraging duty!
The castaways look from one to the other, then Amelia speaks up. All eyes roll skyward as Miss Justice jumps up onto the table, trips on her own plate, falls flat on her face into a coconut pie, springs back onto her feet and wipes her face with her cloak, points a finger to the heavens and:
Amelia: Fear not, my brave fellow castaways! For I, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, will find you something better to eat than just coconuts! This I swear!
Tears stream down her face. Her companions groan.
Amelia: If there is food to be had on this island, I will find it! It’s unjust that you should suffer coconuts at every meal—and only coconuts! No fruit! No vegetables! No meat! Not even some lovely mint-flavored chocolate covered grasshoppers with cute, little paper umbrellas stuck in them!
Firia: Umbrellas?
Amelia weeps more emphatically, balling her fists at her breasts. The others sweatdrop.
Amelia: Nary a Piņa Colada, nor a Long Island Tea to quench your thirst or make your evenings one, big drunken orgy!
Firia: Amelia! That’s so…perverted.
Gourrigan: This is starting to sound good!
Amelia: (kicks him in the head) Shut up! I’m talking, here!
Gourrigan: Sorry.
Amelia: Not even a—a—um…oh crap. Thanks a lot, Mister Gourry! Now I’ve lost my train of thought!
Firia: Thank the gods for little blessings…
Rezo: …drunken orgies…
Amelia: Right! With half-naked native dancing girls gyrating on the table for your sick, drunken, male pleasure! Twisting and jiggling and gyrating and…hoo! Is it getting hot out here, or is it just me?
Lina: It’s all that speech-making.
Zelgadis: Passionate speech-making.
Lina: Right. Passionate speech-making. Makes you work up a sweat.
Amelia: Oh, how right you are, Miss Lina! But how can my speeches not be empassioned, fired by my lust for justice!
Zelgadis: (in Lina’s ear) And for gyrating native dancing girls.
Lina: *giggle*
Firia: Sick, I tell you. Sick, sick, sick.
Amelia: Oh, Zelgadis, my one, true love—
Zelgadis: Damn! Here we go!
Amelia: --to hear the word "passionate" coming from your hot, moist, sexy lips…the word dripping from your tongue into my ears! Oh, Zelgadis!
Firia: Your tongue is dripping into her ear? That is so icky.
Zelgadis: What happened to the gyrating native dancing girls?
Gourrigan: Yeah, I was really looking forward to those.
Rezo: Beats hell out of coconut porridge and Zelgadis’ dripping tongue.
Xellos: Right on! Let’s get back to the drunken orgy with gyrating native dancing girls on the table!
Lina: Let’s…not.
Firia: I’ve lost my appetite…
Amelia: I’M TALKING HERE!
Zelgadis: Well, quit talking and go find us this food, drink and entertainment you’re babbling about!
Xellos: Right. We’re all counting on you, Amelia.
Lina: Absolutely!
Rezo: You just go, girl! We’ll wait here in our misery and boredom with nothing but our coconut cuisine to keep us amused.
Amelia: Um…YES! Oh, my dear friends! I shall not fail you! I go now to find better food, better drink and—and—uh…
Zelgadis: Gyrating native dancing girls.
Firia: Pervert.
Amelia: Zeh-ell! Waaaa!
Rezo: Good one. You made her cry again. Thanks a lot.
Xellos: Amelia, I’m sure you’ll feel much better once you start looking for those dancing gi—I mean, all that good food for us, your dear friends! Right, guys?
All: RIGHT!
Lina: We’re counting on you, Amelia, so don’t let us down!
Amelia: *sniffle* I won’t! I shall return by sunrise!
Amelia leaps from the table, trips on something, falls on her face, leaps up and runs into the jungle with a triumphant shout.
Zelgadis: I still think we should have pinned her down about that dancing girl thing.
Off in the jungle, the intrepid explorer Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun thinks she might have found something good to eat that isn’t a coconut. However, Xellos’ words about finding food that’s safe to eat ring in her head, so she proceeds with caution toward the plump, red fruit, hanging so enticingly beneath waxy, green leaves. The grotto is beautiful, formed by a pool of crystal water, fed by a towering waterfall. All around it are brightly-colored flowers and equally-colorful birds. And this gorgeous red fruit that Amelia just can’t take her eyes off of. It’s big, it’s red, it’s plump, it looks juicy…exciting…inviting her to pluck it from its bough and sink her teeth into its succulent flesh.
Amelia: Hmmm! Bet it’s poisonous, then. Everything on this stupid island that looks good is "hands off"--*sigh* Like Zelgadis!
The Princess sighs again and lets her hand drop back to her side. Then she remembers that all her friends are counting on her, that they can’t bear another day of eating nothing but variations on the coconut, and her hand darts out to yank the precious fruit from its stem. She sniffs it (it smells good), then licks its skin (yummy), then, all a-tremble, Amelia takes a deep breath and then a bite out of the fruit.
Amelia: It’s delicious! Ooh. But I better sit here for a while and see if anything bad happens to me for eating it. If nothing does, then I’ll bring some home!
Amelia sits down on a rock by the pool to wait to either die, or collect more fruit. As she waits, she thinks about Zelgadis saying the word "passionate", only he’s referring to what he feels toward her, rather than describing her speeches. She closes her eyes and starts to get that familiar warm, tingly feeling just below her tummy.
Amelia: Oh, Zelgadis! I know you love me—you’re just afraid to show it in front of the others! But never fear! My love for you will never die, even if you can never show your feelings for me!
The warm, tingly feeling gets a lot stronger, then becomes overwhelming. Then the world starts to spin really fast, and all the colors in the grotto seem so much brighter than before.
Amelia: Red. Pretty…
She decides she really needs a nice, cold dip in the pool, throws off her clothes and dives in. Doesn’t help. So she does what any red-blooded female does with those feelings: She indulges herself in a nice fantasy about the man of her dreams and feels just soooo much better afterwards. Then it occurs to her that she doesn’t usually get so spacey, or feel so…horny. After all, she’s a nice girl, and nice girls don’t get like that. She picks another of the pretty red fruit and holds it before her eyes for close scrutiny. Then it hits her.
Amelia: I’ll bet this is that passion fruit! *giggle*
Amelia thinks about her friends eating the fruit. She thinks about Zelgadis eating the fruit. Hmmm…She’d have to make sure he did that with no one but her around, lest he get funny ideas about Lina or Firia. Come to think of it, Firia and Lina could use a little passion in their lives! And this fruit was just the thing to pry those great big sticks out of their butts! Amelia giggled, then her giggles turned into loud, evil laughter that echoed throughout the little grotto. If nothing else, this would be mighty fine comedy! Amelia fills her cloak with the red fruit, then, still giggling maniacally, trots back to camp.
Meanwhile…
Gourrigan: Hey, did you guys just hear maniacal laughter?
Xellos: It wasn’t me. Your move, Rezo.
Rezo: Knight to bishop 10.
Xellos: Check mate!
Rezo: No way!
Xellos: Way.
Rezo examines the chessboard, but it looks like Xellos has beaten him again. Somehow.
Rezo: You cheated.
Xellos: Did not.
Rezo: You’re a Trickster Priest, you moron, of course you cheated! It’d ruin your reputation if you didn’t cheat.
Xellos: I’m a scientist in this picture, not a Trickster Priest, so, no, I didn’t cheat.
Gourrigan: Excuse me?! Hello?! I said, did anybody hear—
Rezo/Xellos: NO!
Gourrigan: Well you don’t have to bite my head off!
Just then, Amelia leaps out of the shrubbery, trips and falls flat, scattering lots of big, juicy-looking red fruit all over the clearing. She jumps up, realizes she’s spilled the fruit, gets mad, stomps her foot—which lands on a stick that rolls, so she falls flat again. Jumping up, she brushes herself off and strikes a heroic pose. Not sure what else to do, the men applaud. Amelia blushes, bows, then starts gathering up the fruit.
Gourrigan: Whatcha got there, Amelia?
Rezo: Fruit, you idiot, what’s it look like?
Gourrigan: Doy, it’s fruit! What kind of fruit?
Xellos: It’s a secret.
Rezo: Oh, for crying out loud! Not this again!
Xellos: Hey, scientists have secrets! Go with it!
Zelgadis emerges from his hut just then, spies Amelia and tries to beat a hasty retreat, but he’s been spotted.
Amelia: Oh, Zelgadis, look what—whoops!
SPLAT. Amelia falls face down into one of her fruits, getting red pulp and juice all over her face and into her mouth. Soon, the warm, tingly feeling starts again, but Amelia decides she’s going to be strong this time and—and—and—
Amelia: Ya gotta try thish shtuff, Zel!
Everybody blinks at Amelia for a few moments as they watch her bob and weave her way over to Zelgadis, one of the fruits in her outstretched hand.
Amelia: Iz fants—fantaz—duhlishuss! Here.
Amelia trips, sending the fruit flying. Zelgadis catches it and turns it over in his hand thoughtfully. He looks at Amelia, who is all twisted up on the ground, her legs crossed very, very firmly, then back to the innocent-looking fruit in his hand. Then back to Amelia. He meets Rezo’s and Xellos’ eyes, and they all come to the same realization at the same time, then get the same idea at the same time. Zelgadis tosses Rezo the fruit, then starts collecting the rest of them.
Zelgadis: I think Amelia has found our entertainment.
Rezo: I’m not eating it.
Xellos: Me, neither. Not unless the girls eat some, too.
Rezo: Heh. Oh yeah. Good one.
Zelgadis: You guys want Lina, Firia and Amelia all over you?
Xellos and Rezo exchange glances, then shrug.
Xellos: Unless you can find those gyrating native dancing girls…
Rezo: …they’re all we’ve got.
Gourrigan: I thought you guys were priests?
Rezo: Do we look Catholic to you?!
Xellos: Right. Let’s slice up the bait—I mean, fruit, and get the girls out here to share it with us!
Xellos rubs his hands together excitedly as Rezo pulls a knife out of his belt and starts slicing, chuckling wickedly all the while. Zelgadis considers partaking, but one glance at the moaning contortionist Princess changes his mind. He’ll just watch, thank you very much.
Amelia: Zel! Eat! Yum!
Zelgadis: Ameli—mrf! Omf shiff!
In a flash of movement, Amelia stuffs a fistful of fruit into Zelgadis’ mouth, then clamps his jaw shut with both her hands until he swallows. Giggling happily, Amelia pops fruit into her own mouth and waits in hot and bothered anticipation for it to take effect on Zelgadis. Zelgadis meanwhile is starting to feel pretty funky, particularly below the belt. Oh, this is not good, thinks he, as the world gets a sexy sort of a glow to it and even Xellos’ voice starts to sound pretty groovy. From somewhere in the back of his mind, Zel can hear Jimmy Hendrix asking him if he’s experienced…not really stoned, but beautiful.
Zelgadis: Wow…
Amelia: Oh, Zelgadish…my luv—oops! Hee-hee!
Amelia stumbles and catches herself with two fistfuls of Zelgadis’ shirt. The shirt tears, baring his stone chest and sending Amelia slithering down his front side until she is once again face down in the dirt.
Zelgadis: Far out…
Amelia: Tee-hee!
Amelia rolls over and looks up at Zelgadis from the ground between his feet. From this vantage point, he looks like a giant. A wobbly, psychedelic giant.
Amelia: Blue…
Zelgadis: Blue moon…you leff me standing…alone…wiffout a dream in my—hee-hee! Bah-bah-bah-bah…thbbffsss…a ding-a-dong-ding…hee-hee!
Xellos and Rezo decide this is far to entertaining to keep to themselves, so Gourrigan is dispatched to the girls’ hut to fetch Lina and Firia. They reemerge in time to discover Zelgadis knows all the words to Jumpin’ Jack Flash and is trying out some jumpin’ over Amelia, who keeps saying "blue" at him and giggling.
Zelgadis: Izza gash, gash, gash! Dat-daaa! Whooo! Keeff Risharzz, ladish and jezzlemen! Whooo!
Amelia: Blue…rock…man…
Zelgadis: Rockit man! Whennerya gonna come down…whennerya goin’ ta lann…
Amelia: Giggle. Rockit blue moon man! Groovy!
Unable to stand, Amelia rolls over and over until she bumps up against the legs of Xellos’ chair and just stares at him with stars in her eyes and says:
Amelia: You’re cute, baby. Yeah. Hee-hee! Blue.
Her face twists up in thought, then she changes her mind about the color scheme.
Amelia: Yeh-low…
Zelgadis: Day call me meyyow lellow! Daz right, sligck!
Lina, Firia and Gourrigan join Xellos and Rezo at the table, Lina pausing to wave a hand in front of Zelgadis’ way-too-happy face. He blinks at it stupidly, tries to catch it, misses, then looks like he might fall over, catches himself and starts singing Yellow Submarine.
Lina: What happened to them?
Firia: Is it poison?
Xellos: Nope. Just narcotic. It’ll wear off in a few minutes if they stop eating it. Want some?
He offers the fruit to Lina and Firia, who take another good look at Zelgadis (who, having forgotten the words to Yellow Submarine is now singing Purple Haze) and Amelia (who is still lying in the dirt at Xellos’ feet, only now she keeps saying "purple").
Rezo: So, what kind of fruit is this, anyway?
Xellos: Not a clue. But it’s damn good comedy, eh?
Lina: If you’re into drug humor, I guess.
Firia: Well, I’m not! I think you guys are si—oof! Mrf! Xeffoff, you jerfk!
Lina: Rezo! What are you—hey, get away from me with that stuff! I’ll fireball you, Rezo! I swear—heads will—RFFF! Meeff! Reffo!
Gourrigan: Hee-hee! Lina, you’re gonna be so—MRF! Leeffa!
Lina: That’ll teach you to…to…heh. You’re cute! *giggle*
Gourrigan: Yeah…I am…
Much later…
Lina: …and sheez buy-eye-ing duh shtairway to heh-eh-vun…
Firia: Thaz boofull, sister! Groovy!
Zelgadis: And az we windon downduh roaz! (air guitars) Our shadoze…hee-hee!
Amelia: Blue…
Gourrigan: Blue…velvitt…wah-wah-wah…boo-er dan velvitt wuzzer eyez…
Rezo: (clinks his coconut mug to Xellos’) You’re a genius, Xellos, have I ever told you that?
Xellos: No, but don’t let me stop you.
Rezo: You know, I have just one regret about all this.
Xellos: What’s that?
Rezo: They’re all too stoned to do any half-naked gyrating for us on the table.
Xellos: Bummer. Oh well, I never wanted to see that much of Zelgadis, anyway.
Rezo: Xel?
Xellos: Yo. MRF! REFFO YOU AFFOLE! OH, SHIFF!
Rezo: Hee-hee-hee—Hey, what are you planning to do wi—VELLOFF! DAMMIFF! YOU MUFFER FUFFER!
Zelgadis: Hee-hee-hee! Muffer fuffer! Fuffer muffer! Fuffy-wuffy-fuffer-wuffer!
Amelia: FUFFER! Woo-hooo!
Lina: Rock’n’rollll!
Firia: Yeah, bav-vy, yeah!
Gourrigan: Wooooo-hoooooo!
Rezo: Cat scratch feev-vuh! Duh-duh-duh!
Xellos: Whoooo! The Nuge! Whoo-hooo!