ANIME BANDSTAND!
by
The Queen of Swords
NOTE: This is a parody and is in no way intended to harm Dick Clark's (or anyone else's) character or reputation. Personally, I think very highly of the man and American Bandstand was a happy part of my childhood. I'm pretty confident that Dick has a sense of humor. *wink*
The Queen of Swords leans casually against a palm tree on the set of Gourrigan’s Island. She’s dressed up (something she only does for weddings, funerals and job interviews) in a black and white mini dress, one black boot and one white boot, and big, sixties hair. Also, she’s wearing make-up. This, too, is unusual for the Queen of Scruffiness—er, Swords. Dick Clark is in the castaway’s "village" with The Gang, who are also rather dressed up. The girls are in micro-minis, except Firia, who’s wearing orange hot pants with a matching, belly-revealing fringed vest and go-go boots. Gourrigan’s in a blue Nehru suit with love beads, Zelgadis has chosen a lavender velvet suit with a lacy white ascot, Rezo’s dressed up like Elvis (tall, rhinestone-studded collars, slicked back hair and all), and Xellos, who’s feeling hot tonight is wearing black leather pants and a black silk shirt unbuttoned down to his navel. Oh, and icky gold medallions. Everybody’s lookin’ mod and quite Austin Powers, indeed. Yeah, baby, yeah!
QOS: Hi, kids! Queen of Swords, here! Well, I almost convinced Dick Clark to produce Gourrigan’s Island for me—
(in the background, Lina makes Dick Clark dance to a volley of Giga Bolts)
Lina: C’mon, Dickie! It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it!
Amelia: I give it a five, Dick!
Xellos: Woo-hoo! Shake your groove thing, Dickie!
QOS: --but our lawyers couldn’t come to any kind of agreement on that. However, to make up for messing with my production schedule and costing me and the unions I deal with a lot of money, he has agreed to revive his long-running, incredibly popular show American Bandstand for one evening of fun, frolic and funk (at the expense of his production company, not mine) for all and sundry anime and manga characters who can squeeze themselves into their boogie clothes and show up. Yup. You guessed it: It’s another BIG CROSSOVER! Also, it’s my opportunity to watch certain bishounen shake their booties. It’s good to be the Queen! Maybe I’ll have that MTV dance show next…you know, the one where everybody’s on the beach, gyrating around, half-naked—
Gourrigan: Hey! Did you just say "gyrating around half-naked"?
Zelgadis: *snicker* You, Queen?
QOS: Keep dreaming, Stone Boy. This white girl can’t dance.
Zelgadis: (in Gourrigan’s ear) Nothing a little Funky Fruit can’t help…
Gourrigan: *giggle*
QOS: …or whiskey sours…*cough*
Pause. Blink-blink.
Gourrigan: I’ll get the blender.
Zelgadis: Hey, Xellos! Where’d you hide your mixers?
Xellos: It’s a secret!
Mutter-mutter-mutter.
Xellos: Ok! I’ll go get the booze!
Dick Clark: Not on my show! This is a wholesome, family program! You bring mind-altering substances into this, Queen, and the deal’s off!
The Queen of Swords makes a slashing motion across her throat at Xellos.
QOS: Ix-nay on the Ooze-bay!
Lina: "Wholesome, family entertainment" my ass! It’s teenagers in tight clothes gyrating! Underaged teenagers, I might add!
Amelia: Oh, Miss Lina, that’s so kinky!
Lina: Yeah…
Dick Clark: Now wait just one minute, young lady! Are you trying to defame my character?
Naga appears out of nowhere in black hot pants, bikini top and go-go boots.
Naga: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Sounds like lawyer-talk to me, Lina!
Lina: Damn! He’ll sue anybody!
Xellos: Even I bow to the evil incarnate of the legal community. Frivolous lawsuits…ah! Such magnificent wickedness, such a waste of taxpayers’ dollars and the court system’s time and money! The impenetrable, maze-like, circular logic of Legalese…I tremble with joy at the very thought of it!
Gourrigan: Dude. Go to law school, or something!
Xellos: *sniffle* Alas! I wasn’t worthy of the Bar! I—I—they said I…*sniffle* I couldn’t keep a secret! WAAAAAA!
All: Whoa.
QOS: Heavy…
Dick Clark: Who are you people? You look like cartoons.
Firia: So do you.
Lina: What’s your point, Dick?
Dick Clark: I give up. Let’s just do this show, so I can go home!
Martina: (whispers to Amelia) To his lawyers!
Amelia: Yeah! *giggle*
Dick Clark stalks off to the jungle’s edge to await his cue.
QOS: RIGHT! Let’s get the rest of the cast in here!
Several dozen anime and manga characters in mod outfits zip in from the jungle, including two women in a classic Mustang Cobra and two more who come charging out of a spaceship that lands on the beach. The Queen’s eyes bug and she sweat drops. She thinks worriedly:
QOS: Urk! The Dirty Pair and the Gunsmith Cats! Oh, man, where they go, trouble follows! And I was hoping for a nice, peaceful, fun, little dance show! Shit! Oh well, maybe things’ll go ok? Heh-heh. Yeah, that’s it. I’m just overreacting. I hope they don’t blow up my island…
Aloud, she shouts stage directions:
QOS: OK! Light that Bandstand sign!
A neon sign that says "Anime Bandstand" flickers to life.
QOS: Cue the music!
The old American Bandstand music fires up, only it’s been updated with a funk back beat. Everybody starts dancing. The camera pans to Dick Clark.
Dick Clark: Welcome to this American Bandstand special: Anime Bandstand! I’m Dick Clark, with my co-host for the evening, the Queen of Swords!
QOS: Thanks, Dick! Hi folks! We’ve got a great night of music and dancing lined up, so don’t touch that web browser! Let’s get this shindig started with NINE INCH NAILS!
Dick Clark: Ha-ha! Good one. You can’t dance to that! She means, the latest from Garbage: Paranoid!
The camera goes to the crowd of dancers, some on the table, some on the roofs of the huts, others just swaying in the branches of the palm trees like disco monkeys.
QOS: Party pooper.
Dick Clark: Are you dancing tonight, or what?
QOS: I will if you will…
Dick Clark: Never mind.
Lots of dancing ensues until the song ends and the camera goes back to Dick and the Queen. Nameless boogie music continues to play so the dancers can keep gyrating.
Dick Clark: We’re on the set of Gourrigan’s Island, an anime spoof of the classic TV show Gilligan’s Island, but featuring the characters from the hit Japanese animation "Slayers"! You can catch Gourrigan’s Island every Monday on the Queen of Swords Webpage of Rather Silly Things!
QOS: Righty-o, Dick! Thanks for bringing back the Bandstand for just this one night! I gotta tell ya, I grew up with that show and you, Dick. You’re a part of my American childhood.
Dick Clark: Thanks, Queen—
QOS: So were Johnny Quest, Speed Racer and Ultraman!
Dick Clark: Is that where your love of J-Pop began?
QOS: I think so. Then I got into stuff like Voltron, Thunder Cats and Macross, which we in the States know as Robotech. Great stuff, that. But I really prefer the Dungeons and Dragons type anime, like "Slayers", and dark, supernatural Ninja and Samurai dramas like "Yotoden" and "Ninja Scroll".
Dick Clark: So, what’s your favorite anime of all time?
QOS: Hmm…I don’t think I have one. I really like "Slayers" (obviously), but there’s just so much great stuff out there! I can’t decide. How ‘bout you, Dick?
Dick Clark: I always loved Speed Racer. There he is now!
QOS: Wow, he still looks the same! Go, Speed Racer, go!
Dick Clark: Time for our first band to take the stage! I understand this group is a personal favorite of yours, Queen (that we can actually dance to), so why don’t you introduce them?
QOS: My pleasure, Dick! This band’s been around a while and was a Bandstand favorite in the 70’s and 80’s! Everybody welcome…THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!
Loud cheers as the lights hit the door to the guys’ hut and The Village People emerge (dancing, of course) to "YMCA". Some of the dancers in the crowd, it is discovered upon camera pans, are dressed up as Village People: Nakago from Fushigi Yuugi is the Cop, Makoto from El Hazard is the Construction Worker and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho is the Indian. Everybody spells out YMCA on cue and boogies their bums off.
Village People:…you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal…you can do what your bod-dee feels! Y-M-C-A! It’s fun to play at the Y-M-C-A!
Meanwhile, on the south beach, a group of nefarious characters is landing in a wicked-looking spaceship. They pour out of their ship, notice the "Lovely Angel" parked nearby and grin evilly. They strap on a nasty-looking variety of high-powered, futuristic implements of mass destruction, then sneak off into the jungle, cackling.
On the north beach, a similar landing is taking place involving a speedboat and a group of 20th Century baddies in dark clothes and darker glasses. They carry automatic weapons and an assortment of small explosives. Hopping out of the boat as it rams ashore, the baddies dash into the jungle without cackling, or anything.
On the west beach, a tall, red-haired man and what appears to be a little boy materialize and take stock of their surroundings. Seeing no one, but hearing disco music coming from the center of the island, they disappear again.
On the east beach, a young man in a school uniform arrives on shore in a bug-shaped ship loaded with giant bugs. Beside him is a pink-haired woman with wispy antennae and filmy wings. The young man cackles loudly, then shouts:
Jinnai: Onward, my loyal servants! Into the jungle!
They all disembark and dash into the jungle.
Jinnai: Misuhara! At last, I shall have my revenge on my lifelong rival! Ah-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
He is reduced to mad chortling as he follows his troops into the jungle.
Back at the Bandstand, the Queen of Swords gets a very bad feeling in her gut and wonders if her script really is being followed this time. The Village People wrap their set, then Dick introduces Save Ferris’ "The World is New", and everybody gets down that good ol’ ska music, while that chill in the Queen’s belly gets worse. She decides to get help and gyrates her way over to where Lina has Gourrigan hypnotized by her dance moves.
QOS: Lina! I just got this nasty feeling that something bad’s about to happen!
Lina: Yeah, it’s about time for something to happen. I can’t believe you forgot the rules of anime adventures! Something "bad" has to happen whenever everybody’s feeling good or having fun. Like now.
Zelgadis moonwalks over and starts dancing with Lina.
Zelgadis: ‘Bout that time, wouldn’t you say, Lina?
Lina: Yup. We were just talking about that. So, whaddaya think it’ll be?
Speed Racer: Won’t be any of my guys: I’m not in a race. Though, I couldn’t help but notice that great Cobra when I parked the Mach 5.
QOS: Rally Vincent and Minnie Mae. The Gunsmith Cats. They have this cop drama set in Chicago. Minnie Mae likes to blow things up. Rally likes to shoot people. That’s her Cobra.
Lina: So…gangsters?
The Queen points out the characters in question: Two ordinary-looking young women, except one of them is packing a major piece and the other seems to be hiding small, round somethings (that aren’t breasts) under her clothes. They’re dancing with a couple of guys from Fushigi Yuugi. Naga shimmies over, almost causing Gourrigan to faint at the sight of all that jiggling cleavage.
Naga: *cackle* I saw a couple of spaceships land.
QOS: I know one of them is the "Lovely Angel", Yuri and Kei’s ship. They’re known as the Dirty Pair because wherever they go, stuff gets blown up and lots of people die. I dunno about the other ship. Probably some of their bad guys.
The Queen points out two girls in silver bikinis dancing with Dark Schneider from Bastard!!(in leather pants and a trench coat with no shirt under it) and Inu-Yasha (wearing just the pants to his outfit and chunky, gold chain necklaces with big, ugly medallions). The Queen notices Dick Clark waving at her, then motioning to one of the cameras just as the music is ending. Great. The Queen puts on a big, fake smile.
QOS: One of my favorite bands: Save Ferris! That was "The World Is New"! Okay, time to get down and get real funky! It’s Parliament Funkadelic with "Flashlight"!
The camera pans away.
Lina: You are just all about flashbacks, aren’t you?
QOS: Well Dickie-boy won’t let me play any of my hard-core stuff! Am I the only one who thinks you can dance to Rage Against the Machine?
Zelgadis: I thought you said you can’t dance?
QOS: *blush* Oh, yeah.
Amelia boogies over with her dancing partner, Prince Philonel, who looks very much the lounge lizard in a bright green polyester leisure suit and platform shoes. Amelia’s pretty in pink.
Amelia: Hey, you guys, shouldn’t something terrible be happening right about now?
Phileonel: That’s my little girl! Always right on top of things!
Amelia: Thanks, daddy!
QOS: You’re not helping my ulcer any, you guys realize that, don’t you?
Lina: 5…4…3…2…
Suddenly all of the baddies crash into the clearing with a shout. The ones from Dirty Pair and Gunsmith Cats, guns blazing. Jinnai’s Bugrum start picking up dancers and throwing them into the trees while their boss cackles loudly. Phibrizio and Garv fire attack spells at everything that moves. Yuri and Kei scream a battle cry and throw explosives. Minnie Mae takes that has her cue to throw grenades. Rally pulls her gun and fires back at the 20th Century bad guys. Kurama from YYH has summoned his Rose Whip and is, well, whipping it, while his buddy Yusuke is Rei Gunning baddies. Swords appear, spells are cast, guns fire, lasers shoot, bugs throw, Dick Clark hides inside a protection spell the thoughtful Sylphiel has erected to protect those who can’t just be re-drawn when this is all over. The Queen lets out a mighty roar and uses her power of script writing to give herself a truly terrifying ultimate weapon: A giant bazooka-type gun with laser sights and great, big, purple projectiles that say "SUE THIS!" on them. She’s about to fire when a shout from the roof of the girls’ hut gets her (and lots of other people’s) attention. A man in a purple g-string, cape, mask and jaunty hat poses heroically and points an accusing, gauntleted, finger at the crowd. The fighting peters out as he makes his speech.
PM: NYAR!
QOS: Holy poop! It’s the Purple Marauder! How’d he get in here?! Poison Elves isn’t a manga!
PM: HO! THE PURPLE MARUADER IS APPALLED AND SICKENED BY THIS DECADENT DISPLAY OF SEX AND VIOLENCE PRETENDING TO BE WHOLESOME, FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT!
Dick Clark: Actually, the violence wasn’t my—
PM: YOU! THE PURPLE MARAUDER’S SPHINCTER CLENCHES IN DISGUST! EVEN THY NAME BESPEAKS SEXUAL PERVERSION! DICK! NAMED FOR MALE GENITALIA, INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO THE UGLY BEAVER TACKED BETWEEN THE LEGS OF SINISTER BITCHES LIKE THESE!
Lina: Hey! Who’re you calling ‘sinister’?!
PM: THE PURPLE MARAUDER LOOKS UPON THE END OF THE WORLD: WOMEN IN SEDUCTIVE CLOTHING! MEN IN WOMAN-LURING, CHEST-BEARING OUTFITS, LOOKING TO GET A PIECE OF SNATCH! BIG-ASS BUGS! AND PHALLIC SWORDS AND GUNS! AND THE WORST OFFENDER OF THEM ALL, HER MIND TWISTED WITH LUST AND REALLY SICK FANFIC IDEAS: THE QUEEN OF SWORDS—THY NAME SPEAKS OF PENIS ENVY! OF MAN-CONTROL! YOU, WITH YOUR GIANT PHALLUS-WEAPON POINTED AT THE PURPLE MARAUDER, READY TO LAUNCH A—eep! THE PURPLE MARAUDER GALLANTLY LEAPS OUT OF THE PATH OF THE DEADLY—yikes!
The Purple Marauder falls, smoking, from the rooftop and just lays on the ground and twitches.
PM: …the purple marauder reconsiders the hero business…
There’s a brief pause, then the fighting starts up again. Sylphiel raywings Dick Clark to the safety of his waiting private jet, while the crew flees to the safety of the beaches. The Queen (who secretly always wanted to be a super hero) stays behind to kick some serious ass.
Many hours later, as the sun rises and the smoke clears…
Zelgadis: You enjoy this sort of thing way too much.
QOS: You gonna cast that healing spell any time soon?
Zelgadis: Ok! Ok! I’m casting! I’m casting! You don’t have to bite my head off!
Lina: I gotta get me some of those guns!
Terrified pause.
Amelia: Uh…Miss Lina? I don’t think that’s such a good idea…
Lina: Why not? If Gourry won’t let me have the Sword of Light—
Gourry: Never!
Lina: Damn! I gotta have more power!
Rezo: Did someone say they wanted more power?
Lina: Urk! Uh….ha-ha! Just kidding!
All: Whew!
QOS: Well, at least Dick Clark’s lawyers and my lawyers think they can settle this thing out of court. I mean, how do you sue ‘toons? You don’t. So, you sue people like me, right? Like I have money coming out of my ass, or something! Maybe I should go on a treasure hunt? You know, like, in a dungeon…
Lina: You don’t wanna do that.
Zelgadis: Yeah. Stick to fanfics, Queen. It’s better for your health.
Xellos: Easy for you to say: You always get laid in her fics.
Amelia: Not with me. You don’t like me, do you, Queen.
QOS: I’m not in the mood for this…
Gourry: Here’s that Alka Seltzer you wanted. You don’t look so good.
QOS: *glug-glug* I never "look so good"! I’m scruffy, remember? And I’ve had better days. OH CRAP!
All: What?!
QOS: I got dates to write for people! Damn! Chichiri didn’t get killed, did he?
Amelia: …um…is one of the dates with me this time?
QOS: Yeah, Alex wants to go out with you again. There, you see, I do nice things for you.
Amelia dashes off to prepare for her date. Zelgadis finishes healing the Queen of Swords, who chugs the rest of her Alka-Seltzer. The island is in ruins but still exists, so there’ll be an episode next week. The Purple Marauder is trussed up like a Thanksgiving Turkey, waiting to be turned over to Lusipher and Jace, who may or may not let him live. Speed Racer and Rally Vincent are best friends now and have even swapped vehicles for a few days, just for the fun of it. Minnie Mae wants to be a Trouble Consultant and has shipped off with the Dirty Pair to points unknown for special training. By promising him more (un)coverage on her Beefcake! page, the Queen has managed to talk Dark Schneider into buying her dinner but was unable to talk him out of that great trench coat he was wearing. She also failed to get her hands on Tasuki’s coat, which means she’ll just have to go buy one herself (the ones that smell like men are sooo much better, though).