BANG! DRAG…DRAG…SCUFF…THUMP!

Gourrigan: OW! Zel, that’s on my foot!

Zelgadis: Sorry. OOF! Ok, move your foot!

Gourrigan: CLEAR!

WHAM! Smack-smack-smack.

Firia: Great! Thanks, guys! We’re almost done. Just set up the guest chairs, and we’re all finished.

Zangulus: Did someone call for chairs?

Firia: Zangulus! Great! Put them right here.

Lina scratches her head and wonders what’s going on outside the girl’s hut and why it has to be happening at such a silly hour of the morning. They’d all had a late night last night, sitting up, chowing on nachos and watching old Saturday Night Live reruns, thanks to the satellite dish Michael the Red Priest arranged as a suck-up gift to the Queen of Swords for that photon cannon incident. Lina knows she’ll regret it but decides to investigate, anyway. So she wanders out of the sack and out of the hut to find the table setup like a desk with one chair behind it. Three more chairs are lined up to its left. Sitting behind the desk in a twin-set sweater suit and glasses and having her hair done up in a bun by Amelia is Firia. Lina groans and starts to go back inside the hut when she’s hailed by Firia.

Firia: Lina! Great! You can be my first guest! We’re still setting up, so come back in about five minutes, ok?

Lina: That’s not enough time for breakfast, and I just woke up. Get somebody else.

Amelia: Don’t be such a party pooper, Miss Lina! It’ll be fun! PLEEEEEZE?!

Lina really knows she’ll regret this. Really, really regret this, but…

Lina: Ok. Fine. Five minutes. But I’ll be a cranky guest because I won’t have had a decent breakfast!

Firia: Thank you, Lina! Thank you!

Amelia: You’re a real sport, Miss Lina!

Lina: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Lina trundles back into the hut, thinking if she goes back to sleep, Firia will forget about her and pick on somebody else.

Firia: And don’t even THINK about going back to sleep!

Amelia: ‘Cause we’ll send Xellos in to wake you up!

Lina sighs.

Lina: Ok! Ok! Fine!

She goes into the hut to await her cue, wishing she’d taken the Queen up on her invitation to hang out in the Universe of the Four Gods for the day. That Tasuki guy sounded like he needed a little of the Lina Inverse Special Bandit Treatment. Heh. Very special bandit treatment.

Firia: Just nail that on the front, there, Zelgadis.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Amelia: That’s perfect! Thanks, Mr. Zelgadis!

Filia: Go round up the rest of the gang, please.

Amelia: RIGHT!

Lina thinks to herself that this promises to be a very bad day, a day whose sole purpose is to annoy her. No matter. She couldn’t help but notice that the table and chairs were made of combustible materials…

A short time later, Sylphiel, Naga, Rezo, Xellos, Zelgadis, Zangulus and Martina are sitting on palm fronds in front of the table, which has a sign hanging off the front of it that says "Shrine Chat". Firia sits behind the desk in her prim-and-proper outfit and uptight hairdo. Amelia stands off to the right of the desk with a collection of small signs at her feet. Lina stands in the doorway to the girl’s hut, waiting for Firia to introduce her. Amelia holds up a sign that says "Applause", and everybody claps. Firia frowns and looks up to the heavens.

Firia: Queen! I need more people if I’m to have a proper audience!

Clouds gather overhead, lightning flashes, then the clouds part to emit a golden glow, and in the center is the Queen of Swords with a crown on her head and a sword in her hand.

Queen: Arthur! King of the Britains!

Firia: Wrong spoof, Queen! It’s me, Firia—

Queen: Arthur! Find the Holy Grail…fill it with Guinness and bring it to me!

Firia: Excuse me? Queen? Gourrigan’s Island?

The Queen blinks down at Firia. Suddenly the lights fade, the clouds disappear, and the Queen stands next to Firia behind the desk. She has shed her crown, but hangs onto the sword (just in case a guest writer shows up).

Queen: Geez, Firia, after I let you stay married to Michael the Red Priest for all those episodes, the least you could do is humor me for once! What are you griping about this time?

Firia: Fine! *ahem* Oh, Lord! I am unworthy to undertake—

Queen: Forget it. The joke’s over. I’ll use some other cast for my Holy Grail spoof.

A cheer goes up from those assembled, but it’s quickly stifled by a stern look from the Queen of Swords, who now holds two swords, one in each hand.

Zangulus: What are you? Musashi now?

Five rings appear over the Queen’s head and whiz around, making soft, humming sounds. She brandishes the two swords, while making badly-dubbed-martial-arts-movie grunts.

Xellos: Looks like someone has been watching Samurai movies again.

Rezo: No, I think that’s early Jackie Chan.

The Queen stumbles and falls on her ass.

Rezo: Oh, yeah. Definitely Chan. That’s "Drunken Master", or I’m Shabranigdo.

Xellos: If you really wanna nit-pick, Rezo, you ARE Shabranigdo.

Rezo: Oh, right. Well, it’s still "Drunken Master".

Xellos giggles.

Zelgadis: Think anybody got the Five Rings joke?

Gourry:        Four calling birds…

Zangulus: Three French Hens…

Martina:    Two Turtle Doves…

All: And a Partridge in a pear tree!

Queen: NOT THOSE FIVE RINGS, YOU IDIOTS! Context! Context!

Gourry: I thought Partridges rode around in an old bus with a funky paint job and tried to make love, money and music in spite of their greedy manager.

All: Come on, get happy!

Xellos: Danny! Get that spoon out of your nose!

Firia: Do you people mind?! I’m trying to do a spoof, here!

Gourry: I wanna be Keith!

Zangulus: Your pants aren’t tight enough!

Martina: And you can’t sing.

Amelia: David Cassidy is so dreamy!

Firia: Just stick to holding up signs, ok? AND CAN WE GET SERIOUS FOR A SECOND?!

Rezo and Xellos exchange looks:

R&X: No.

Zelgadis: Sorry, it’s a spoof. No seriousness allowed.

Xellos: A spoof, within a spoof, within a spoof…cosmic…

Lina: Are we doing a talk show, or not? ‘Cause if we’re not, I’m gonna go get me some breakfast.

Gourry: Breakfast! What a great idea, Lina! I’m in!

Martina: I’m hungry, too. I’ll have an Egg McMuffin, hashbrowns—

Lina: Oh, like we have a McDonald’s on this island!

Zelgadis: Did somebody say "McDonald’s"?

Queen: What was that you wanted again, Firia?

Firia: A bigger audience—and smarter than these morons!

Queen: For a spoof? I dunno…

Firia: Just…get…me…an audience!

The Queen raises her swords, and the Five Rings spin faster around her head.

Rezo: I think the rings joke is over.

The rings disappear.

Queen: You have an audience.

Firia: I want a BIGGER audience.

The Queen snaps her fingers, and suddenly everybody but Firia and Amelia are ten feet tall.

Firia: ACK! What—what—

Amelia: Hmmm…they might be giants…

Rezo: Or you might just be really small…

Queen: If they were They Might Be Giants, I’d be enjoying this episode a lot more.

The Queen snaps her fingers and they turn back to their normal sizes.

Queen: Ok, enough screwing around. You want an audience, you got it!

The Queen weaves her hands around in front of her and starts to chant. Soon, she’s surrounded by a whirlwind that sweeps her hair up over her head and whips palm fronds around the clearing.

Xellos: I think she’s serious…

Rezo: I have a bad feeling about this!

Lina stops on her way out of the clearing as she senses something terrible in the Queen’s spell. Something very unsettling indeed…and eerily familiar. She turns to watch the Queen dance around and chant and tries to remember what kind of spell it is.

Queen:
                Schmaltz beyond tastefulness
                Neon lights that glow
                Buried in the flow of TV bullshit
                May the fools who interview with us
                Be cross-dressers, strippers and cheats

Lina: No…NOT THAT SPELL!

Queen: DAYTIME…TALKSHOW!

Lina: NOOOOOOOO!

Too late! There’s a great, big explosion of light and an ear-splintering KABOOM! Everybody screams and hits the deck. When the dust settles, the Queen is dressed up like Vanna White, and her swords have been replaced by a microphone. The huts are gone and in their place are bleachers packed with cheering people—mostly women with big hair and peacock blue eyeshadow. The table has been replaced by a walnut desk, and the cheesy handmade sign by a glittering neon one over the desk. Amelia has a headset on her head, and her signs are now one, big electric one that she operates by remote control. There’s a band, stage right, that appeared in the middle of playing "Jesus is Just Alright" by the Doobie Brothers. Martina and Zangulus are operating cameras, and Gourry is standing off to the side, counting down on his fingers: 5-4-3-2---

Amelia turns on the applause sign and the audience goes nuts.

Queen: What time is it?!

Crowd: SHRINE TIME!

Queen: I can’t heeeear you!

Crowd: SHRINE TIME!

Queen: Yes! It’s time for Shrine Chat, with the one and only, headed-for-eternal-bliss, holier-far-than-thou…

Crowd: SHRINE LADY! WOOOOOO!

Amelia does the applause sign thing, and the crowd goes wild. Firia jogs in from stage left, pumping her fists, does a few boxing moves at the audience, which goes nuts, then bows a few times.

Firia: Thank you! Thank you, everybody! And welcome to Shrine Chat! I’m your host, the Shrine Lady, Firia ul Copt!

Crowd goes wild.

Firia: We’ve got a great show lined up for you today! Shamanist, cold-hearted swordsman and angst-machine…Zelgadis Greywers!

Wild applause and cheers.

Firia: Great Wise Man of the Age and host of Shabranigdo…Rezo the Red Priest!

More cheers.

Firia: And my special guest…Black Magic Sorceress, master of the Dragon Slave, Bandit Killer, Dragon Spooker, monster slayer! LIIIIIIIINNNNAAAAAA INVERSE!

The crowd goes positively orgasmic with glee. Hiding behind Gourry, Lina wonders if maybe this would be a good time to see if she can swim to Japan. Firia does a few more boxing moves at the audience and basks in their adoration.

Firia: Ok, everybody, let’s get busy! Woop! Woop! Woop!

She jogs around behind the desk and plops into the chair while the crowd all but wets itself in its euphoria and pumps its collective fists in the air.

Crowd: WOOP! WOOP! WOOP!

Firia: Let’s bring out my first guest! He just wanted to be strong—a noble aspiration!--but he was betrayed by his own grandfather/great-grandfather and turned into a chimera! Now he’s on a mission to get his old body back! Let’s have a big Shrine Chat welcome for…ZELGADIS GREYWERS!

Amelia clicks the sign, and the crowd goes wild. Zelgadis has to be pushed onto the set and into a guest chair by Zangulus and Gourry. He doesn’t look happy.

Zelgadis: I don’t recall agreeing to do this, Firia.

Firia: It’s not like you have anything to hide…is it? Or do you?! You with your always-hard stone body…like a big, hard rock! Sitting there with your bulgy arms crossed and your chiseled face set in a bitter scowl. I wonder what your problem is, hmmmm? Oh, let me see…could it be…XELLOS?!

Zelgadis: I’m sure he’s part of the problem. What’s your point?

Firia: Well! I know you worked with the Evil One on many occasions!

Zelgadis: So did you, remember? We were saving the world.

Firia: Saving the world. Well! Isn’t that special! And the Evil One helped you save the world? He can’t! He’s evil! It’s not nice to lie to the Shrine Lady! Hmm…who makes us lie? Let me see…could it be…XELLOS?!

Zelgadis: This bites. I’m outta here. Pick on Rezo.

Zelgadis stalks off the set, leaving Firia sitting behind her desk, looking like she just scored a major victory. The crowd boos Zelgadis, who gives them the finger.

Firia: Well! Wasn’t that special? Let’s bring out our next guest, shall we? He was once the greatest wise man of the age, but he had a little secret! Let’s welcome Rezo the Red Priest!

Rezo strides onto the set and plants himself in the guest chair Zel abandoned with a dramatic sweep of his red robes. He lays his staff across his knees, as the crowd goes nutters.

Firia: Thank you for being here, Mr. Red Priest!

Rezo: Thank you for having me here, Shrine Lady. As a fellow Holy Person, I must say this is a great honor.

Firia: Well! How sweet! *pats her hair* Flattering the Shrine Lady! So, Mr. Red Priest, with your long, phallic staff…you call yourself a "Holy Person" but Shrine Lady knows that you secretly are the host for the king of all Dark Lords, Shabranigdo!

Rezo: *smirk* And who is known for secrets, Shrine Lady?

Firia: Hm? Let me see…could it be…XELLOS?!

Rezo: And you knowing secrets makes me wonder if you’re in league with…THE EVIL ONE!

Big gasp from the crowd. Off stage, Lina applauds Rezo’s skill at twisting the self-righteous Shrine Lady’s words. She whispers to Zelgadis:

Lina: Guess you didn’t get his way with words, eh, Zel?

Zelgadis: Bite me.

Meanwhile, Shrine Lady is struggling to recover from Rezo’s gift of gab, while the Red Priest smirks at the crowd, which, thanks to Amelia’s sign, is booing and hissing him.

Firia: The Shrine Lady would never be in league with the Evil One! Unlike you, who are really…SHABRANIGDO!

Crowd: Boo-hiss! Boo-hiss!

Rezo: *shrugs* Well, ya got me there, Shrine Lady. I leave your show in shame and repent of ever having been born.

Firia: Well! Isn’t that—

Rezo: NOT!

He stalks off stage to the sounds of loud boo’s and hisses but feels pretty proud of himself for having put Shrine Lady off her game for a few moments. Lina and Zelgadis pat him on the back as he joins them off-stage.

Lina: Nice job, Rezo!

Zelgadis: Should’ve used that long, phallic staff on her.

Rezo bops Zelgadis on the head with his long, phallic staff and cruises off to find the Evil One and plot some big-time anti-Shrine Lady mischief.

Firia: My final guest is one of the most powerful Black Magic Sorcerers in the world and has channeled…GOD! Please welcome Lina Inverse!

Lina decides to make the best of it and runs on stage like a quarterback being introduced before the Super Bowl. She dances around, makes some muscles, does some poses, then finally sits down next to Shrine Lady with a great, big smirk.

Lina: You know, Shrine Lady, I can’t help but notice how much credit you give Xellos. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were actually a big fan of his, to be throwing his name around all the time. Maybe the Shrine Lady has a little crush on the Evil One!

Firia: Hmph! I would expect you to say that, Lina the Dragon Spooker! If anyone has a little crush on the Evil One, it’s his favorite mortal! You! Lina Inverse!

Lina: *flips her hair* Well, who can blame him? I’m not just a powerful sorceress, I’m a LOVELY powerful sorceress!

Firia: Hm. Vanity! Isn’t that special? Vanity is evil! And who was it that gave you such a big, conceited head? Hm? Could it be…XELLOS?!

Lina: Nope. It’s just the truth. I am the lovely and powerful Lina Inverse!

Lina jumps up and strikes a pose, batting her eyelashes at the audience, who boos her on cue.

Lina: Look at this long, silky red hair! Cute, perfect, petit little figure!

Gourry: "Little" is right!

Lina: I heard that, Gourry! You want a fireball, Mister?!

Firia: Oh my, what a temper.

Lina: And I suppose tempers are Xellos’ fault, too?!

Firia: He’s the Evil One! Tempers are evil! Of course it’s…XELLOS!

Lina: You know, I liked the Blues Brother sketch a lot better, Firia.

Firia: You just can’t face the truth…that you’re really Xellos’ evil human lover!

Zelgadis: Well! Isn’t that special?

Xellos: My lover?

Queen: Don’t even think about it, Monster Boy!

Suddenly Firia jabs an accusing finger at the Queen.

Firia: And you! The Queen of Swords! Queen of phallic symbols! Manipulator of helpless anime and manga characters! Cooping us up on this island for your sick pleasure, then setting those guest writers upon us—

Queen: One of whom, you willingly married…

Firia: Yes! Marriage is a sacred institution—

Queen: Which you entered into at the drop of a hat…

Firia: *sputter*

Queen: And then proceeded to run around in an obscene little outfit! With a man you’d only just met! Then MARRIED HIM! Shrine Lady! I’m shocked! Nay, disillusioned!

The Queen presses her hand to her brow in horror and sobs. A spotlight beams down from the heavens as the Queen collapses to her knees and wails:

Queen: Oh what are we to do when our paragon of purity is soiled? When our holy lamp is fallen into darkness!

The band does a horror movie glissando, and the queen weeps harder.

Queen: Rhett! Rhett! Wherevah will Ah go? Whatevah will Ah do?

Firia: Oh, I am ruined! Soiled, sullied, exposed as a hypocrite!

Lina: I recommend ritual suicide.

Queen: Firia ul Copt! You must be purified!

The sound of flapping wings is heard over the dramatic soap opera music, and everyone looks up into the heavens to see a green-haired man with a horn coming out of his head slowly descending. His black-feathered wings beat gracefully, wafting a gentle breeze upon the crowd, which ooh’s and ah’s without being told to do so.

Firia: Valgarv?! But you’re an egg now! How can you be here in this form?!

Valgarv: Rezo’s here, and he died—twice. Gourry still has the Sword of Light, which got taken off to another world. And you want to know how I can be here in this form?!

Lina: That’s right! Spoofs don’t have to obey the laws of continuity!

Queen: Continuity, schmontinuity! I don’t need no stinkin’ continuity! I’m the Queen!

Dramatic crescendo. The spotlight flashes colored light like a disco ball, and the Queen jumps up to strike a pose.

Queen: Valgarv! Purify Shrine Lady of the evil and darkness within her! I, the Queen of Swords, decree that it be so!

Thunderbolts and lightning!

Amelia: Very, very frightening!

Zelgadis: Galileo!

Rezo: Galileo!

Gourry: Galileo!

Xellos: Aristotle!

All: ARISTOTLE?!

Martina: Get with the program, Xellos!

Xellos: Sorry, too traumatic since Freddy Mercury died.

Zangulus: Freddy Mercury’s…DEAD?!

Queen: Never mind that now! Valgarv has work to do!

Valgarv: I don’t wanna.

Firia: Oh but you must! I’ve been a naughty Shrine Lady! You must spank me!

Amelia: And me!

Sylphiel:And me!

Martina: And me!

Naga: OH-HOHOHOHOHOOO! And me!

Valgarv: No, really, I must be going. I’m on a quest, you see…

Firia: First the spanking! Then…the oral sex!

Valgarv: Well, maybe I could stay just a little while…

Suddenly Gourry charges onto the stage, sword in hand, grabs Valgarv and backs away, stage left, waving the sword at the girls in a threatening fashion.

Gourry: Get out of here, Valgarv! I shall save you from the peril!

Valgarv: I think I should be allowed to handle the peril myself!

Gourry: No! Much too perilous!

Valgarv: No it’s not!

Gourry: Yes it is! Much, much too perilous!

Valgarv: Oh, just a little peril? Please?

Gourry: Too perilous.

Valgarv: You’re gay, aren’t you?

Gourry: Like hell, I’m gay! EW!

Lina: I knew she’d get Python in here again somehow. So who am I?

Queen: Brave, brave Sir Robin! Sir Robin ran away!

Lina glares.

Queen: Ok…you’re…THE WIZARD TIM!

Rezo: I want to be Tim!

Queen: Ok, then Lina is the ferocious man-eating rabbit!

Zelgadis: How fitting.

Valgarv: Can we get back to the peril?

All: NO!

Valgarv: But I want spankings and oral—

Lina: Ok! End of show! Thank you for coming, everybody!

Valgarv: Just a little peril? Please? Hello? Um…where’d everybody go?