Irie Rasta Candidate Mon
by The Queen of Swords

Zelgadis brushes palm branches aside as he makes his way through the jungle to the beach of Gourrigan’s Island in search of Xellos. He finds the Trickster Priest sitting in the sand, legs stretched out before him, crossed at the ankles. He’s wearing long, baggy khaki shorts and one of those cheesy Hawaiian tourist shirts that were so popular in the 50’s and 60’s, unbuttoned to reveal his hairless chest. His hair is in dreadlocks and hangs past his armpits (hair extensions or magic, Zelgadis can’t tell, but Xellos’ bangs are missing, too) and he has conjured for himself a scruffy 5-o’clock shadow. To his left is a CD player emitting reggae music, to his right, stuck in the sand to keep it from getting accidentally knocked over, is a half-empty (half-full?) bottle of Dos Equis with a sliver of lime stuffed in its mouth.

Zelgadis: What are you doing, fruitcake?

Xellos: Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville, searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.

Zelgadis: Yyyyyeah… Anyway, the Queen told me to get everybody together so we can shoot this episode. Holiday’s over.

Xellos: Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know it’s my own damn fault.

Zelgadis: You know, you get weirder every time I talk to you.

Still not opening his eyes (like he ever does when tormenting Zelgadis), Xellos gives Zelgadis his trademark happy grin. Zelgadis leans against a palm tree across from him.

Zelgadis: Do I want to know what you’re listening to?

Xellos: Marley.

He tosses Zel the CD case. Zel looks at the front, then flips it over to read the names of the songs, as if he’d actually recognize any of them. He tosses it back.

Zelgadis: "Exodus"? Is that the group or the title?

Xellos: Title. Bob Marley and the Walers is the group, mon.

Zelgadis: What’s with the goofy accent? And what in the hell is up with that hair?!

Xellos: Don’t dis me dreads, mon. Now run along so I can finish me brew.

Zelgadis raises a stone eyebrow, looks from the bottle of Mexican beer to the very relaxed Trickster Priest.

Zelgadis: So what are you supposed to be, anyway?

Xellos: I be an irie rasta mon!

Zelgadis: Yeah. And this would be your Presidential "look", Mr. Irie Rasta Mon?

Xellos opens his eyes and grins his other trademark grin, the evil one.

Xellos: Now, now, you know the answer to that. Didn’t I wear a suit for that entertaining little interview you and Valgarv did with me? I’m doing this to amuse the Queen, who, as you know, has been a bit down since breaking her wrist.

Zelgadis: And you as an irie rasta mon cheers her up, does it?

Xellos: I amuse her. So does Marley. How is her wrist, anyway?

Zelgadis: The cast is off, you idiot, why else would we be shooting a new episode. I thought you guys were dating?

Xellos: We had a date, yes. Now we’re very good friends.

Zelgadis: I see.

Xellos: Who occasionally satisfy each other’s—

Zelgadis: I get the idea! Some things make great secrets, ok?

Xellos: Giggle.

Zelgadis listens to Marley for a few minutes and decides reggae is pretty groovin’ stuff. However, he refrains from asking Xellos to summon him a brewski.

Zelgadis: So, we better get back to the clearing.

Xellos: Lemme finish me brew, mon.

Zelgadis: Dig your own grave, fruitcake.

Xellos: That’s "irie rasta mon" to you, Stone Boy.

Zelgadis: Yeah, well, irie your rasta over to the clearing, mon, before the Queen comes looking for you. She’s a little cranky over some of that stuff you said in your interview.

Xellos: Like…?

Zelgadis: Just don’t bring it up with her, ok?

This, of course, is Xellos’ cue to bring it up at the first possible opportunity, which is exactly what Zelgadis had in mind when he mentioned it. Feeling extremely pleased with himself, Zelgadis retreats into the jungle, leaving the irie rasta trickster priest mon to finish his Dos Equis and dig on some more Marley.

Back at the Castaways’ village, everybody but Xellos is gathered, waiting to begin the shoot. The Queen of Swords is in cutoffs, a red, yellow and green striped T-shirt with Bob Marley’s face on it and her usual pair of Birkenstock sandals. A tan splint affair is on her her left forearm. She gives Zelgadis an impatient look when he returns without the Trickster Priest.

QOS: Don’t tell me, let me guess: He’s diggin’ on Marley and suckin’ on Dos Equis, right? What have I done?

Zelgadis: Actually, he said something about Margaritaville, looking for his missing salt shaker and blaming a woman even though it’s his own damn fault.

QOS: Jimmy Buffett.

Zelgadis: Eh?

QOS: It’s song lyrics. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett. (sings) Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville…searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.

Zelgadis: I see. I’d say you’ve created a monster, but he already was one.

Giggles all around.

Lina: I say we bring him back by force! All in favor?

All: AYE!

QOS: I’ll wait here.

She waves her left arm around to remind them of her inability to lift Trickster Priests, then sends them off on their mission with a cheerful "good luck". Zelgadis stays behind, since he’s already done his bit toward retrieving Xellos.

Zelgadis: Boy are they in for a surprise.

QOS: What? Didn’t you like the dreads? I thought it was a good look for him.

Zelgadis: Have you always been this weird, or did you suffer some bizarre trauma in your childhood that you’ve just never recovered from?

QOS: You’re just mad ‘cause I’m making you ride around in Amelia’s body in Zelgadis On The Couch.

Zelgadis: I read those Poison Elves issues you loaned me and I still don’t think the concept is funny. I mean, Amelia? Thanks a lot, Queen! Lina, I could take, but Amelia? How have I offended you?

QOS: Zel! You’re too hard on her! (realizes her pun) Heh. Heh-heh. Ooh, that’s a good one. BWA-HA-HAAA!

Zelgadis: I’ll be in make-up if you need me.

On the beach, the Xellos Recovery Team has the irie rasta mon surrounded. Firia confiscates his beer, Amelia grabs the CD player and case, while Gourry, Rezo, Lina, Naga, Martina and Syphiel hoist Xellos into the air and head back to the village, the title cut from "Exodus" providing an ironic soundtrack.

Marley: Exodus. Movement of ja people!

The group chugs along in time to the reggae beat, Firia tossing back what’s left of the Dos Equis with every other step and Amelia in the lead, CD player on her shoulder, doing dance moves she picked up at a Grateful Dead show before Jerry Garcia died (or that’s what it looks like, anyway; could’ve been a Phish show, though). Xellos just lays back with a happy smirk on his face, dreads swaying in the breeze between Sylphiel and Martina, and lets himself be carried. The Queen spies them coming through the foliage and announces mockingly:

QOS: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next President of the United States of America Xellos Metallium! Let’s here it for the irie rasta President! Woo-hoo!

Xellos: (doing Elvis) Thank yew! Thank yew very much!

The gang sets Xellos down on his feet and his irie rasta mon look is instantly replaced by a more conservative one: Khaki pants, red polo shirt with a little Republican elephant logo over his heart, a pair of loafers and his old hair do. The Queen takes one look at him a turns ever so slightly green.

QOS: Republican? You’re a Republican?! *shiver* I can’t believe I boffed a Republican! Furthermore, I can’t believe a Republican boffed me.

Xellos: Why, my dear, I had no idea you were a Democrat!

QOS: I’m an independent, thank you very much! Don’t insult me!

Xellos: Zelgadis told me you didn’t like that nice interview I did with him and Valgarv, my dear, whatever didn’t you like?

The Queen glares at Zelgadis as he steps from the make-up hut. Zel spins on his heel and heads back into the hut, an innocent look on his face.

QOS: He is so dead…

Xellos: What didn’t you like?

QOS: You? A peacemaker? HELLO?! You’re a world-devouring Mozuko—and what was that bullshit about Mozuko being some long-dead tribe of your grandmother’s?! Geez, Xel, you are so full of it, you’re—well, hell. I guess you do make the perfect little Republican, don’t you? Hmph! I can’t believe you got into politics—no, wait. Yes I can. It’s almost as big an opportunity for being evil as becoming a lawyer. And "happily single", are we? The better to mess around with White House interns, my dear?

Xellos: And I wouldn’t be betraying anyone! I certainly wouldn’t lie about it.

QOS: Oh no, you’d just say it was a secret!

Xellos: Not to the Grand Jury! And Republicans don’t mess around with interns.

QOS: Like hell. They just don’t get caught. My bubble is burst, Xel. My esteem for you has plummeted. Doesn’t that matter to you at all?

Xellos: So what you’re telling me is you won’t be my friend because of my political affiliations?

QOS: That’s not it! I don’t bloody care about your affiliations, political or otherwise, it’s all this…this…LYING that’s getting to me! Do you think you could’ve come up with any more corny, evasive answers?! GAH! That is so politician!

Xellos: Precisely.

The Queen fumes. She fumes some more. Xellos grins at her. She smacks him, which makes him grin even wider.

Xellos: Are you getting as turned on as I am?

QOS: More.

Xellos: Shall we adjourn to a hut?

QOS: Nope. Got an episode to shoot. Later! And don’t be wearing that when I get back.

She trots off to the make-up hut to make Zelgadis’ life a little less rosy, leaving Xellos to giggle and make everybody else really uncomfortable.

Amelia: I think this is a good look for you.

Martina: You would.

Much later…

The gang is enjoying a nice day at the beach, their bathing suits having been amongst the week’s worth of clothes they’d packed for a three hour tour, including some spares for the new additions to the cast, Martina, Sylphiel and Naga. Even Rezo has a Speedo® and all of the girls are in teeny weeny bikinis in order to boost ratings after this show’s long hiatus. Rezo and Zelgadis lounge on the beach, watching the girls play volleyball, which maximizes the Baywatch Bounce Factor, especially on Naga’s part. Gourry is surfing, while Xellos floats on a raft he made from hollow coconuts. Periodically, Naga’s bikini top falls off (again, for ratings), which causes Gourry to fall off his surfboard. Unbeknownst to the Castaways, they will very soon have a visitor. But lets watch them frolic in their tiny swimwear for a while longer before we bring the visitor onto the stage, shall we? Ok, that’s enough titillation (I’m trying to compete with the President’s Grand Jury testimony, without actually having anybody give anybody else a blow job while talking on the phone to Yassir Arafat). Suddenly, there’s a loud rustling in the jungle beyond the beach, then an even louder shout as the visitor shows himself!

Zangulus: Gourry Gabriev! At last I’ve found you again! Did you think you could escape our little duels by hiding on this deserted island?! Oh, hi, Martina.

Martina: "Oh, hi, Martina"?! That’s all you have to say to your wife? Not "oh, my darling, where have you been, I’ve been going insane with worry about you?" No running into my arms, sweeping me off my—MRF! Mmmmm…that’s more like it.

Martina and Zangulus kiss for a really long time. Really passionately. Sexy. Titillating. Ratings-thing, sorry. Gourry falls off his surfboard again, and Naga’s bikini top pops off. The other guys stand up and make a really obvious show out of picking their teeny Speedos® out of their butts, then otherwise adjusting them. Xellos gets up and his Speedo® falls straight off and gets lost in the surf, so he makes due by holding a coconut over himself whilst he disappears to the village to find another Speedo®. Finally, Gourry washes ashore, and Zangulus finishes kissing Martina.

Zangulus: Ah ha! Draw your sword, Gourry! Fight me!

Despite the fact that he’s wearing a Speedo®, Zangulus still has his sword strapped to his hip. Gourry strides manfully up the beach and plucks the Sword of Light out of the sand. He flexes his muscles while waving his sword around, then does some nice stretches which show off his thigh muscles and his tight butt. Zelgadis flexes his back and shoulder muscles as he reaches for another coconut milk. Rezo bends over to pick up the novel he’d been reading (without bending his knees), sending his Speedo® into his bum again, so he has to pick it out and adjust the whole thing. Meanwhile, Naga has located her bikini top and replaced it on her body, but Sylphiel and Firia have decided a nice topless splash in the ocean would be fun, so Naga flings off her top again and bounces in after them. Amelia yawns, and her bikini top pops up over her breasts, but she quickly pulls it down again.

Zangulus: I can’t fight under these conditions. What exactly is plot for this episode, anyway?

Gourry: Uh, I don’t think there is one.

Lina: Oh, great. A PWP! This isn’t going to turn yaoi, is it? ‘Cause if it does, I’m outta here!

Gourry: Only ‘cause you always get hooked up with Amelia or Naga!

Lina: Yeah, well the Queen’s already hooked you up with Zangulus! Maybe this is Zangulus and Gourry part two—only you like it this time!

Zangulus: Now wait just a second! I’m a married man!

Lina: I noticed you didn’t say "happily" married man…

Glare. Lina’s bikini top pops off and drapes itself over the hilt of the Sword of Light. Zangulus’ Speedo® drops around his ankles, so he has to bend over to pull it back up. Camera shot of his bum just as it gets covered again.

Lina: This is really getting out of hand.

Xellos reappears and hands Lina her bikini top.

Xellos: Blame the current administration!

Gourry: On this show?

Xellos: No, my good man, in the White House!

Gourry: "my good man"? What’s with you lately, anyway?

Zangulus: You sound like you should be playing Cricket, or something.

Zelgadis: It’s an improvement. He used to be an irie rasta mon.

Lina: Oh, I don’t know. I kind of liked that persona. It was fun.

Her top pops off and lands in Xellos’ hands. He gives it back to her just as dozens of flashing lights go off at the jungle’s edge. Suddenly, helicopters appear overhead, and more lights flash from them. Speedboats materialize and there are more flashing lights. Several dozen scruffy people with microphones, cameras and tape recorders converge on the little group and shove their microphones into Xellos’ face.

Reporters: Mr. Metallium! We just photographed you taking off that girl’s bikini top! What do you have to say for yourself?

Lina: He wasn’t—

Xellos: It came off by itself. I merely caught it and was returning it to her, which is the decent thing to do. If you were watching, you saw this is really what happened.

Reporters: You seem to be in the company of a lot of half-naked women, Mr. Metallium! Is this a habit of yours?

Xellos: These are my friends. We’re having a beach party. It’s all part of the script. This is a tv program, as I’m sure you know. The director is over there trying to figure out how she can sue you.

The reporters zip over to the Queen of Swords and accuse her of making a porno film. Then they zip back over to Xellos and accuse him of starring in a porno film. Then they find out Amelia isn’t even 18 yet and accuse Xellos and the Queen of making a kiddy porn film, then zip over to Amelia to accuse her of starring in a kiddy porn film. Naga tells them all she’d love to be in a porno movie and makes up a story about how they’d all been involved in an orgy with Mr. Metallium earlier while listening to his Bob Marley CD and getting drunk on Dos Equis. The others condemn her as a liar, including Xellos, who insists he’s celibate.

Reporters: Celibate with who, Mr. Metallium? Who’s the girl?!

Naga: Why do you think it’s a girl? Ha-ha-ha-ha-haa!

Reporters: Mr. Metallium, have you just be Outted?

Lina:        He’s not gay!

Reporters: Are you Mr. Metallium’s girlfriend, miss…uh…?

Lina:    No! We’re just friends!

Meanwhile, the Queen is on the horn to her lawyer, looking for an angle. While on hold, she tells a nearby cameraman, loudly, how Princess Diana’s death was obviously the fault of just such paparazzi and how such paparazzi have no journalistic skills or integrity and report nothing but lies, rumors and innuendo, none of which serve the public interest or need to know. Then she gets taken off hold.

Reporters: Mr. Metallium, is it true you had an affair with the director of this show? Did she force you to sleep with her to get this part?

Xellos: That is a secret.

Reporters: You mean "yes"!

Xellos: I mean it’s a secret.

His Speedo® drops to his ankles, and the reporters accuse him of flashing them and call him a sick pervert if he thinks any of them is going to give him a blow job just because he bares himself to them, even though Xellos never said a word. Meanwhile, the Queen has finished her talk with her lawyer and has come up with an nifty plan to deal with the immediate situation. She calls for some Trouble Consultants to handle it. Soon the "Lovely Angel" lands on pontoons in the ocean, lets out a tiny speedboat, which zooms up to the beach and spills out two women in tight swimwear and lots of weapons.

Yuri:     This is this only warning you’ll get! We’re Trouble Consultants Yuri and Kei from the Worlds Welfare Work association! All paparazzi are to leave this island immediately, or we will evict you by force! You have two minutes to comply!

Many large, extremely gratifying explosions later, the Castaways, Queen of Swords, Gourrigans Island crew and Dirty Pair—

Kei:     That’s Lovely Angels!

--Lovely Angels are diggin’ on Marley and suckin’ on Dos Equis in the Castaway’s village. Everybody but Yuri and Kei are in normal (read: Covering) clothes, since bikinis are Yuri’s and Kei’s uniforms.

Amelia: What if they print all those lies, Xellos? Won’t your candidacy be ruined?

Xellos: *grin*

Lina:         Not if he handles it right. I mean, it’s all obviously lies. We were there! We can vouch for him!

Zelgadis: But do we want to?

Lina:         Oh, don’t be a jerk, Zel, sure we do. After all, it’s our reputations on the line in this case, too.

Zangulus: I didn’t even get to do a sword fight.

Martina: Yeah, but we got to do an incredibly romantic on-screen kiss! *sigh*

All:         Awwwww!

QOS: Well, if they make me look bad with their lies, I’ll sue ‘em for libel.

Rezo: You’ll just sue anything that moves, won’t you?

QOS: Not so! Only those who deserve it. And you have to admit they deserve it.

Silence for a while, then Xellos starts humming along to Marley and is soon joined by everybody else, who’d rather just put their little adventure with the paparazzi behind them and sing along with Bob Marley about peace and love.