ACME
by The Queen of Swords

The box sits innocently on the table. It’s baby blue with a frilly pink ribbon tied around it and an equally frilly lavender bow on top. Tied to the bow is a tag and on the tag are the words: To the Castaways from The Queen. No one will touch the box, though it’s addressed to all of them collectively. They just stand around the table, suspicious looks on their faces. Finally, Lina says:

Lina: Well, somebody’s gotta open this thing sooner or later.

Gourrigan: I don’t trust it. It’s from…her.

Amelia: Yeah. She’s like a female Xellos.

Xellos: What a sweet thing to say, Princess! Remind me to beat you senseless later.

Zelgadis: So…what do you think it is?

Sylphiel: A bomb?

Naga: Ahhh ha ha! Fake boobs for Lina!

SMACK!

Lina: Shut up! I’ll bet it’s something weird, like that Funky Fruit.

Zangulus: Just what is this Funky Fruit you guys are always talking about?

Martina: Yeah. You’re not holding out on us, are you?

The original Castaways exchange knowing glances. As soon as the matter of the Queen’s gift is resolved, it’s time to show the newbies the way of the Funky Fruit. Damn fine comedy, that. Maybe Naga will get half-naked and gyrate. Oh wait, she’s always half-naked, and bouncing is pretty close to gyrating. The Funky Fruit plan is scrapped.

Rezo: It’s all gone, anyway, so just forget the fruit.

Firia: So, um, who’s gonna open the box?

They look from one to the other, then Amelia says:

Amelia: I know! Xellos can open it! We don’t like him, anyway, so who cares if he gets blown up!

Xellos: On second thought, I think I can remember to beat you senseless on my own.

Zelgadis: Nobody likes Rezo, either.

Lina: Great! They can open it together! Go for it, guys!

Rezo: Oh no, Lina, you’re always the leader in these shows. You open it.

Lina: Uh…well…er…Gourrigan’s a hero! That’s right, a brave, loyal, sword-slinging, ally-defending hero! He can open it! That’s what heroes do, right? Plunge bravely into peril?

Gourrigan: Hero this!

He flips her the bird. Lina gasps in horror. Gourrigan grins at her.

Gourrigan: I think Zangulus should do it, if you’re looking for a hero to plunge bravely into peril! Make us proud, Zang!

Martina: That was so transparent. Don’t make a move, honey. He’s trying to trick you into opening the present and getting blown to smithereens!

Zangulus: I can see that! Geez, I’m not dense, Martina! Let’s have Firia open it. She’s a dragon, so she’s tougher than the rest of us.

Firia: No way! That’s why Xellos should do it! He’s practically indestructible! Open the present, Mozoku garbage!

Xellos: Why, oh why, did I spare some of you? Whatever could I have been thinking?

Firia: It was a moment of sanity. Now open the present.

Xellos: No.

Firia: Coward.

Xellos: I don’t see you reaching for the ribbon, my brave little dragon maiden.

Rezo: Fine. You are all obviously a bunch of sniveling cowards, so I shall simply have to produce the perfect solution: Zelgadis, you open it. Surely your stone hide can take whatever that thing’ll throw at us! Don’t disgrace our family, boy.

Zelgadis: Why bother. You already did. And as I recall, we’ve already killed you twice, anyway. Go for it, grampaw. We’re rootin’ for ya!

Nobody moves, except for Rezo who hurts himself smacking Zelgadis upside the head for being insolent.

Amelia: I still think Xellos should do it. The Queen wouldn’t hurt him, would she? I mean, they’re an item, right?

Xellos: We’re friends. How many times do I have to—

Zelgadis: Friends who occasionally satisfy each other’s *cough* needs. I believe you told me something to that effect a few episodes ago.

Xellos: Whatever. I’m not opening the box.

Lina: Wait a sec. What if it’s that…that thing! That, um, whatchamicallit! Oooh!

Lina dives upon the present, rips of the bow, then the ribbon then the lid. Everybody cringes, but no explosion seems forthcoming, so they gather around and peer cautiously into the box. Inside is a small machine, about the size of a softball, with a dull gray military paint job. On it, in bright red important-looking letters, is stenciled the words ACME PLOT DEVICE. The original castaways sigh in admiration, the newbies are confused.

Martina: Plot device? What does she think we’ll do with that.

Amelia snickers wickedly.

Amelia: Pick it up and toss it here, Martina. It’s obviously not a bomb, so there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Martina narrows her eyes at Amelia, knowing a trick when she hears one.

Martina: You pick it up.

Amelia: Ok.

The Princess reaches into the box and pulls out the little plot device. She tosses it up and down a few times, her cohorts cringing every time it hits her palm, then she snickers again and tosses it at Martina, who reaches out to catch it on pure reflex. The moment it touches her hands, she disappears and the plot device drops onto the sand at Zangulus’ feet. He hurries to pick it up and disappears. Sylphiel and Naga exchange glances, then Sylphiel picks up the plot device and she disappears, too. Naga, however, has no intention of leaving.

Lina: Pick up the plot device, Naga.

Naga: And leave you without your greatest, most beautiful rival! Ah-ha-ha! I think not!

Gourrigan: Pick it up. Now.

He draws his sword and points it at the well-endowed sidekick. Not that he isn’t a well-endowed sidekick, just that—oh, never mind.

Gourrigan: Pick it up, Naga.

Zelgadis adds his sword to Gourrigans, then Lina does the same.

Zelgadis: Pick it up.

Lina: Do it now, Naga.

Naga: AH-HA-HA! You can’t kill me! I’m your greatest—

Lina: Dead rival, if you don’t pick up the damn plot device now!

Naga: You pick it up.

Lina: It only works on you new guys! Fine. I’ll pick it up.

Lina picks it up and throws it at Naga as Amelia did with Martina, but Naga’s too smart for that. She just jumps back and lets it fall at her feet.

Naga: Did you think you could fool the great genius sorceress Naga the White Serpent?! Lina, Lina! This is why I am the sorceress and you are the side—

POOF!

While Naga babbled, Amelia kicked the plot device against her foot, causing the "genius sorceress" to disappear. Lina, Zelgadis and Gourrigan sheath their swords.

Lina: Thank you, Amelia.

Xellos: Don’t pat yourselves on the back just yet. Look at this.

They turn around and gasp in horror at the sight which lies before them. On the table, sitting next to each other like the best of buddies are Naga, Zangulus, Sylphiel and Martina, only—

Firia: THEY’RE PLUSHIES!

Lina: No way!

Gourrigan: That’s…really twisted.

Zelgadis: Oh, the humanity! They’ve become promotional items! The Queen is one very, very sick woman! She could have at least turned them into resin dolls, or keychains, maybe. But plushies! To be cuddled and coddled by obsessed Otaku, maybe even dressed up in funny outfits! Or become doggie toys by accident! Thrown into the washer and dryer! Lina, we have to save them!

Lina: We do?

Gourrigan: *sigh* I guess it’s kind of our obligation. You know, to the Otaku. They really love us, after all.

Lina: So you want to be a plushie?!

Gourrigan: Not as such.

Amelia: I think they’re cute! But…Gourrigan’s right, we can’t just leave them like this. It wouldn’t be right.

Rezo: You’re making me sick. I say leave ‘em like this.

Xellos: Seconded!

Lina: Ok, all in favor of doing the right thing raise your hands.

Amelia, Gourrigan and Firia raise their hands, after a moment Zelgadis does, too.

Lina: All in favor of being insensitive jerks?

Xellos: You could have put that another way, you know.

Firia: Oh, like you’re sensitive.

Lina: Vote, please!

Rezo and Xellos raise their hands.

Rezo: What about you, Lina?

Lina: I was going to be the tie-breaker if needed, but I have to agree with the do the right thing people. We really shouldn’t leave them like this.

Zelgadis: Ok, so how do we change them back?

All: Hmmm…

They think about it for a while, then Firia gets an idea.

Firia: Why don’t we try touching them with the plot device again? Maybe that’s the key!

Lina: Good thinking, Firia!

Lina picks up the plot device and touches it to the Naga plushie, which disappears with a pop and is replaced by a tiny SD resin version of Naga. Then she tries Martina, who turns into a keychain. Zangulus turns into six-inch resin figure with stand, detachable Howling Sword and SD Martina figure included. Sylphiel becomes an idol card. Lina goes back to Naga and touches her with the plot device again. Now Naga is a six-inch resin figure with nothing to detach and a tiny Lina SD figure and stand.

Gourrigan: Gee, Lina, you’re cute when you’re SD.

Lina: Thanks a lot, Gourrigan.

She touches Martina, who becomes a pencil board with her image on it.

Lina: On the one hand, if I keep doing this we’ll eventually find out what all’s available in the way of Slayers merchandise. On the other hand, we’re not helping them any. Suggestions?

Amelia: Um, find the Queen?

Xellos: But this is so much fun!

Zelgadis: Yee-haw.

Firia: Amelia’s right. We should find the Queen and make her fix them!

Gourrigan: Yeah, but can she? What if she thought this thing would just send them away and didn’t know it would turn them into merchandise? And what’s ACME, anyway?

Rezo: Probably a mail order company of some sort. If so, then Gourrigan could be right. Perhaps the catalog didn’t say anything about the plot device turning people into promotional merchandise.

Xellos: Or maybe it did, and our Queen is just as charmingly sick and twisted as I always knew she could be! What a woman!

Lina: Fruitcake.

Firia: Mozoku garbage.

Zelgadis: Jerk.

Amelia: Spot on, though.

Lina: You’re just mad ‘cause you don’t get any lines in Zelgadis On The Couch till they get Zelgadis out of you.

Zelgadis: I’d rather you not bring that up.

Amelia: Me, neither! Although that part about Zelgadis being in me is—

Zelgadis: Enough already! Let’s just find the fruit loop and make her turn them back!

Xellos: Aw, be nice, Zel. It’s the closest she’s ever gonna get to having you—OOF!

Zelgadis removes his fist from Xellos’ tummy, picks up the plot device and holds it over his head. In a terrible shout, he cries out to the universe in general:

Zelgadis: QUEEN OF SWORDS! I SUMMON YOU TO ME! AND YOU BETTER SHOW UP, YOU FRUITY LITTLE BI—

QOS: Ah-ah-ahhh! Remember, Zelly Boy, I’m the one with the power over your destiny. Call me a bitch, and I shack you up with Amelia so fast it’ll make your head spin. You’ll be disappointed, though, Princess: He’s awful in bed.

Zelgadis: How would you know?!

QOS: I wrote it that way. Heh.

Zelgadis: What did I ever do to you? Huh?

QOS: Relax, Rocky, I wouldn’t do that to you really. Geez. You’re so gullible! And you can always change my mind about that performance thing, you know… *wink-wink nudge-nudge*

Zelgadis: I really need an antacid. Lina, take it from here.

Zelgadis toddles off to the guys’ hut to fetch an antacid. Amelia balls her fists and growls at the Queen, who has just ruined sex with Zelgadis for her. Like she’s ever gonna get it, anyway. Xellos is wildly amused, as is Rezo.

Lina: You are certainly in a mood today, Queen. What gives? That time of the month, maybe?

QOS: I don’t wanna talk about it. What do you guys want now?

Gourrigan: Definitely that time of the month.

Rezo: So it would seem. Can I get you a Midol, Queen?

Xellos: Oh dear, and I was going to ask you out tonight.

QOS: No sex, no date? Is that it, you demonic little Republican creep?! See if I help you guys after that! I’m outta here!

Firia: No wait! They’re just upset about the plushie thing! Really. And Zel and Amelia are mad about Zelgadis On The Couch. And…and…Rezo’s just trying to be helpful!

QOS: Like he was helpful to Zelgadis?

Firia: Er, no, just helpful this time.

QOS: I thought the merchandise thing would be funny.

Lina: Don’t write comedy when it’s that time of the month, ok?

Gourrigan: Or buy from this ACME place.

QOS: But that’s where all the great comedic cartoon mecha comes from! It’s where Wiley Coyote gets all that stuff he uses against the Road Runner! And where Marvin the Martian gets his stuff! Even Wacko Warner uses ACME stuff! It’s just the thing to do!

Rezo: You don’t know how to turn them back, do you?

QOS: I could order something to turn them back. Would that make you happy?

Xellos: Not "happy", exactly, but if that’s what it takes, then order it.

Lina: I, um, don’t suppose we could get one of those catalogs…?

QOS: After making fun of me for having my period? I think not.

Firia: So how long until we get the, um, whatever it is that’ll turn them back?

QOS: Who knows. Who cares.

Amelia: Queen…

QOS: They’ll be ok for next week’s episode. I think Naga is cute as a plushie.

Lina: Just order the thingy! …er, please?

QOS: Fine. I’ll order it today.

Pause.

QOS: Wasn’t it even a little bit funny?

Xellos: I was amused.

Firia: You would be!

Lina: Well, I guess it was kind of funny *giggle*, especially when they kept turning into different kinds of merchandise.

Gourrigan: Zangulus as a plushie was kind of funny.

Amelia: It wasn’t funny at all, you guys! You’re mean! What if it turned you into merchandise? Huh?

Amelia snatches up the device and tosses it at the Queen, who catches it and immediately turns into a plushie.

Amelia: Oh no! How can she order the thingy if she’s a plushie?!

Xellos: She’s so cute!

He picks up the Queen plushie and cuddles it, tiny stars dancing in his eyes. He is surrounded by that pink, purple and yellow glowy stuff that always appears whenever Lina feels all mushy. But only for a second. It is Xellos, after all.

Xellos: You’re mine now, Queen! We’re going to be good fr—Hey! Give her back!

Amelia holds the Queen plushie with great care on the reasoning that if she’s nice to the Queen, she’ll get speaking parts in Zelagidis On The Couch sooner, or possibly shacked up with Zelgadis.

Amelia: You leave her alone! C’mon, Queen, I know you’re just kidding around! Turn back now, ok?

The plushie looks at her with big, kawaii plushie eyes and does nothing.

Amelia:   Well, crap. Now what?

Gourrigan:  What’s this?

He holds up a piece of paper that had been lying on the bottom of the box that had contained the plot device. Lina snatches it out of his hands and scans it.

Lina:         It’s the directions! Hmm…hmmm…Ah! Here! "To reverse the effects of the ACME Plot Device™, depress red button on bottom". What red button? I didn’t see any red button!

She picks up the plot device and turns it over and over in her hand. She doesn’t find a red button, but does find what appears to be a tiny red dot. So, on a lark and having nothing to lose, she presses it, then touches the Queen with the plot device. The plushie is instantly replaced by a key chain. Lina screams at the plot device.

Lina:         Hey! What’s the deal! I depressed the red button! Reverse the effects!

Xellos: I think I see the problem, Lina. You pressed the button. You didn’t depress it. I think we need to bum out the button.

Lina:        You must be joking.

Amelia: You stupid red button! You can’t even act like a real button should! People press on you and nothing happens! You’re a sorry excuse for a button!

Firia: Yeah! You couldn’t be a button if—if somebody gave you directions!

Rezo: And you’re not even a good shade of red. I should know: I’m the Red Priest. I know a good red when I see one, and you are definitely not it.

Xellos: Worthless. Absolutely worthless. You’re an embarrassment to all button kind! You should be ashamed!

Gourrigan: Yeah! I wouldn’t want you as one of my buttons! I’d press you and nothing would happen! You can’t do anything right!

From the button comes a soft sniffling sound, which quickly becomes a loud wail of despair.

Button: You all hate me! I’m worthless! I don’t even deserve to call myself a button! And I’m ugly! Waaaaa! I’m so depressed!

Amelia: Lina! Now!

Lina touches the Queen, Naga, Martina, Sylphiel and Zangulus in rapid succession and in an instant they’re all back to normal, or at least as normal as these people can ever claim to be. The plot device, so upset over its button’s worthlessness, self destructs.

Lina: No more catalog shopping for you, Queen, ok?

Gourrigan: And stay away from military surplus stores, too.

Amelia: And the Warner Brothers store.

Naga: Ah-ha-ha! So you’re the one who put all those WB references into the dub of my little movie! Those were really awful!

QOS: That’s why I got the subtitled version. And, no, I had nothing to do with those references in the dub. Although…hmmm…Dub…Dubba-yew-bee?

Rezo: Now I need an antacid. Anybody else?

Lina:         Make mine a double.

Gourrigan: Triple.

Amelia: Just shoot me.

Sylfiel: I don’t get it. What’s a dubba-yew-bee?

Martina: It’s a famous cartoon company in North America. When they did the dub version of Slayers Perfect, which they renamed Slayers the Motion Picture for no apparent reason, they thought an American audience would be able to relate to it better with familiar references. The WB is the Warner Brothers TV network and it’s mascot is this singing, dancing frog…