Amelia sits at the table with headphones on her head, grooving her head back and forth on her neck and quietly singing along with the music on the CD.

Amelia: Won’t you take me to…Funky Town! *do-do-do* Won’t you take me to…Funky Town!"

She’s flipping through one of the catalogs Naga brought with her when she came to the island for the big Anime Bandstand party and just sort of stayed, in spite of the ACME Plot Device. The CD is Naga’s, too: Greatest Disco Hits of All Time.

Amelia: Ooh! Bet this would change Zel’s mind about me! "Red lace Miracle Bra™ with matching g-string panty." I’ve never worn red before. I wonder if it’s a good color for me?

Suddenly the man himself plops down next to her, scaring her half to death. She tries to hide the catalog, but Zel slams his hand down onto it, pinning it between his palm and the table.

Zelgadis: Whatcha got there, Amelia? I thought Rezo was the only one with reading material on the island.

He pulls it close while Amelia blushes herself silly. Zel reads the title, sees the scantily clad, well-endowed, extremely lovely super models on the cover, his eyes bug and he does a full-body blush. Then he notices the stack of catalogs at Amelia’s elbow and makes a dive for those, too, using his demon speed to get to them before she can and stuff them into his tunic.

Zelgadis: I know these aren’t Rezo’s. Whose are they?

Amelia: You bonehead! They’re Naga’s! Duh!

Zelgadis: So why are you reading them? It’s not like we have a phone, so you can order any of this stuff!

He points at the super models on the cover of the first catalog he snatched. Amelia makes a grab for it, but Zel’s too fast for her again.

Amelia: Well, a girl can dream, can’t she, you big, stupid, stone-faced jerk! I hate you!

Amelia bursts into tears and runs to her hut in an advanced stage of mortification. Zelgadis watches her go in astonishment and sweats for a few seconds, then returns his attention to her fascinating reading material. Page after page of super models in lingerie pass before his post-adolescent, at-his-sexual-peak eyes. He finishes the first one, then whips out another from its hiding place in his tunic. This is better than Funky Fruit! Ooh, catalog number two is a bit racier than its predecessor. Zel checks the cover: Different company.

Zelgadis: Fredericks of Hollywood, huh? Hmmm… lots of leather in here…

Gourrigan: Wow! Check out those hooters!

Zelgadis: Yeah—urk! Gourrigan! Don’t sneak up on me like that!

Gourrigan sits down next to Zel and grabs catalog number one.

Gourrigan: Victoria’s Secret. I wonder if one them is Victoria?

He points at the super models. Zel shrugs.

Zelgadis: Well, she sure isn’t keeping much a secret!

They cackle lewdly over that little joke, then get back to more interesting things, like super models in lingerie.

Gourrigan: Hey! Your girls have bigger breasts! What’re you reading?

Xellos reaches over Zelgadis’ shoulder and snatches the catalog out of his hand.

Xellos: Ooh! Frederick’s of Hollywood! Zelgadis, wherever did you get this?

Zelgadis: Amelia.

Gourrigan: No way.

Zelgadis: She said they’re Naga’s.

Xellos: Well, that makes more sense. How’d you convince Miss Justice to part with them?

Zelgadis: What ‘convince’? I confiscated them. Demon speed can come in pretty handy sometimes.

Rezo: See? I knew you’d thank me someday. Got any more of those, grandson of mine?

Zelgadis pulls the rest of his stash out of his tunic and hands them out to the other guys, including Zangulus, who was right on Rezo’s heels. You see, this is one of those basic laws of the universe: Men just know when there’s a girlie magazine around and they congregate around it like flies on shi—er, poop. Right now, Zel’s the most popular guy on the island, sort of like the fratboy who somehow convinces a bunch of drunken sorority girls to come to his House’s party. Rezo picks up the headphones Amelia left behind and puts them on his head. He soon rips them off again in disgust.

Rezo: What is that girl listening to?

Xellos gets curious and puts the headphones on. Like Amelia, he starts singing along.

Xellos: That’s the way *uh-huh, uh-huh* I like it *uh-huh, uh-huh*!

He takes off the headphones and makes a sour face.

Xellos: Nasty! Must belong to Naga. She’s the most tasteless person on the island.

Zelgadis tries the ‘phones on for size. He pushes the "next track" button.

Zelgadis: Get down…boogie-oogie-oogie! Get down—Ew! This sucks! Gourrigan, check this out!

He tosses Gourrigan the headphones and hits the "next track" button for him.

Gourrigan: MacArthur Park is melting…in the dark…of a sweet dream—GAH!

He throws the headphones at Zangulus, thinking to torment his nemesis a little. Zel hits the button again. Much to everyone’s astonishment and disgust, Zangulus gets up then gets down, spinning around, shaking his bootie and singing in a high-pitched voice:

Zangulus: I just want your…kiss! Ooh!

Zelgadis: Scary.

Zangulus: It’s Prince, you guys! Prince is cool!

Rezo: He’s this scrawny little sex fiend who dances better in high heels than Tina Turner! And he isn’t Prince anymore. He’s this…symbol thing. Symbol Man.

Gourrigan: The artist formerly known as Prince.

Zelgadis: Yeah, well, Zang’s gonna be the swordsman formerly known as a living human being if he doesn’t quit singing.

Zangulus takes off the headphones and sits down. With a petulant little pout, he goes back to ogling those big-breasted, leather clad models in Naga’s Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog.

Gourrigan: Whoa. Zel, dig this: Think they’re fake?

Zelgadis: Damn! Those are huge!

The other guys gather ‘round to have a look at the breasts in question.

Rezo: Wish I could see that!

Xellos: Those can’t be natural. No way.

Zangulus: If they’re not, then Naga’s aren’t, either. And neither are Martina’s—and believe me, Martina’s are very real. Oh, yeah!

Zelgadis: That’s more than I wanted to know.

Zangulus: Well it’s true!

Gourrigan: So you think Naga’s are fake?

Xellos: One way to find out…

Much grimacing and turning of unnatural colors. They go back to their catalogs for a long time, then simultaneously look up again.

All: NAH!

Then go back to their super models in lingerie. Then look up at each other again.

Gourrigan: They are much too big to be real!

Zelgadis: What’re you gonna do? Touch ‘em?

Gourrigan: Naga?! Yuck! No way! Though…those are some industrial strength hooters, gentlemen!

The guys high five and do that male bonding laugh that so annoys any woman who hears it. In the girls’ hut, the owner of the breasts which "can’t be real" and her fellow females are watching and listening to these goings on and getting pretty ticked off.

Naga: If they wanna know if they’re real, I’ll show ‘em! Ah-ha-ha!

Naga starts to leave, but Amelia and Sylfiel stop her.

Sylfiel: You can’t do that! If you let them feel you up, then they’ll expect it from the rest of us, too! I don’t mind Gourrigan, but…Rezo?!

Firia: Or Xellos! *shiver*

Martina: Well, Zangulus will slice anyone who touches my breasts to ribbons!

Lina: What we need is to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Amelia: Like how? It’s not like they have catalogs like that with gorgeous male super models wearing tiny g-strings! And even if they do, we don’t have any on the island.

Martina: I got it! Here’s the plan…

Whisper, whisper, whisper. Gasp! Whisper, whisper, whisper.

Firia: That’s so vulgar, Martina! And yet, so apropos.

Amelia: Waitaminit! I see a flaw in this plan!

Whisper, whisper, whisper!

Lina: Well, it’s a risk we’ll have to take. I think we can humiliate them before they start down that line of thinking. Good point, though, Amelia. We must be careful.

The girls get close to the window (which—big duh—has no glass in it) and laugh very loudly.

Lina: Good one, Amelia! Giving them skin magazines was so genius!

Amelia: Well, it was the only way to get them—you know—without having to actually touch any of those losers!

Martina: Well, you could just ask me about Zangulus, you know.

Sylfiel: Yeah, but your love makes you biased! You might not be honest with us about him.

Out at the table, the boys’ ears prick up, though they try not to look like they’re eavesdropping.

Naga: Ah-ha-ha! You poor girls, stuck on an island all alone with such a poor selection! I’ve seen bigger johnsons on hamsters!

Martina: Well, maybe love does cloud my judgment a bit…But it’s not as if I have any super models to compare him to! There’s just…them. And by comparison…well, need I say more?

The boys are turning quite red. Zelgadis drums his fingers on the table. Zangulus isn’t feeling too confident about his marriage anymore. Gourrigan is on to the girls’ plan, though. It’s that psychoanalytical training he had before becoming a super sword slinger.

Gourrigan: They’re mad about the hooters thing, guys. They’re just trying to get revenge. Ignore them!

Zelgadis: I—I can’t! They’re insulting my manhood!

Gourrigan: Be strong, Zel! Be a man!

Zelgadis: No! It’s too much! I can’t take it! I think I’m shrinking!

Xellos: Look at the magazine! Just focus on the magazine! Beautiful, half-naked women…and they’re smiling at you…

Rezo: You can do it! Get back in the zone, Zel!

Back in the hut…

Amelia: I think Zelgadis’ thing got lost in the transition when Rezo zapped him. I mean, there’s no…you know…bulge.

Zelgadis is melting…melting!

Rezo: It’s a lie! I took nothing away! I swear! C’mon, Zel, think of the last time you peed!

Zelgadis: AUGH!

Zangulus: We’re losing him! Xellos—get him some beer, stat! Gourrigan, talk sports! Do it!

Xellos: No beer on the island!

Gourrigan: Whoa, dude, how ‘bout that Mark McGuire guy, huh? 70 homers in a season! That guy made baseball great again, eh, Zel?

Zangulus: It’s not working! Try cars!

Gourrigan: I can’t drive!

Zangulus: SHIT! Rezo!

Rezo: I’m on it. Zel! Zel, listen to me! You are still a man! Nothing any woman in the universe can say can change that! They’re just mad about that fake breast thing! C’mon, Zel!

In the girls’ hut…

Lina: I think Gourrigan stuffs…

Back outside, Gourrigan weeps. Zelgadis is looking down his own pants with encouragement from Rezo, who has one arm around his grandson’s shoulders and is giving his stony chest a sympathetic pat with the other.

Rezo: I can zap you with more prowess, Zel, just say the word!

Zelgadis: No way! You’ll turn it into a Boa Constrictor, or something! I’ll never trust you again, after you turned me to stone!

Rezo: But Boa Constrictors are HUGE, Zel!

Zelgadis: You freak! Get away from me with that staff!

Zangulus dashes about like a mother hen, alternately bestowing encouragement and tough love upon his fellow men. But he’s fighting a losing battle, for the girls launch sorties against Xellos and Rezo.

Firia: Well, I know for a fact that Mozoku have no gender. They may look like men and women, but they don’t have any…plumbing to go with it! So, Xellos definitely stuffs!

Naga: And that Rezo! You know what they say about men who wear robes, don’t you? Ah-ha-ha-ha! They can’t wear pants because everybody would see there’s nothing down there!

Out at the table, Zangulus alone can still move, he’s still in the male bonding zone, if only barely. The other guys are weeping bitterly. Zelgadis, being the only teenager in the bunch, has passed out from the humiliation. Zangulus mumbles to himself:

Zangulus: Lost Rezo, lost Xellos—our two oldest and most powerful males. Gone. And poor Zelgadis…self-esteem blown to bits. He’s just a kid! And a virgin! They came out of nowhere—razor sharp tongues—lies, all lies! Gourrigan, The Big Guy…oh, how did they get through your vanity?! I’m the only one left…but I don’t know how long I can hold out. Even Martina, love of my life, has gone over to The Enemy. If anyone can hear me…send testosterone! Budweiser! The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! NASCAR! I dunno—ESPN! *gasp*

Suddenly the clearing is filled with a dazzling light. A heavenly chorus fills the air. Zangulus looks up to see what looks like a stack of magazines floating gently out of the clouds, down, down until it’s within his reach. Reverently, he takes hold of the magazines with both hands and sets them on the table. The glow and angelic music instantly disappear. Zangulus looks down at the cover of the top magazine and with tears streaming down his face, reads the title aloud.

Zangulus: Sports Illustrated! Swimsuit issue!

He looks to the sky and praises the powers that be.

Zangulus: You guys! Wake up! It’s the S.I. Swimsuit issue!

He shoves one under each humiliated nose and shakes their heads until they open their eyes and look upon the loveliness before them (except for Rezo, but he can sense the babes). They open the magazines and read the articles. Mugs of beer and a keg materialize out of nowhere. Then Rezo picks up the headphones and gets a beatific look on his face. He passes them to Xellos, who hands them to Zelgadis, who passes them to Gourrigan, who passes them at last to Zangulus, who puts them on his head and weeps even harder with joy.

Zangulus: The Rolling Stones! Honky Tonk Woman!

He takes out the CD and finds the title has changed. No longer is it The Greatest Disco Hits of All Time, oh no! Now it’s Music For Real Men. He hops up and starts doing his Mick Jagger impersonation, but this time his buddies just let him go.

Zangulus: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! A honky tonk girl!

In the hut…

Lina: We’re losing ground!

Naga: Ah-ha-ha! We’ve lost the war, Lina! There’s more male bonding paraphernalia out there than in an entire season of Monday Night Football!

Martina: Do you think he’ll forgive me? I was really hoping for some romance tonight.

Amelia throws her arm around Martina’s shoulder.

Amelia: Don’t worry. He’s a guy. All you have to do is wait till he drops his pants, then act all impressed.

Naga: That’s right! All you have to do is get naked, and all is forgiven! Ah-ha-ha-haaa!

Firia: Romance is dead, isn’t it?

Lina makes a dive-bomber noise while illustrating a crash-and-burn with her hand, then makes an explosion noise.

Sylfiel: Almost makes you wanna be gay…

Pause.

All: NAH!

Naga: They’d enjoy that too much.

Amelia: This is all your fault, you know. They’re your catalogs.

Naga cackles. Outside, the boys are diggin’ on Metallica, Budweiser and oiled up super models—and feelin’ really male!

Rezo: I can still do that Boa Constrictor thing, Zel. I mean it. Just say the word and you’re—

Zelgadis: Rezo? Get a life.