It has been said that if you lock ten thousand monkeys in a room with ten thousand typewriters, eventually they'll write Hamlet. So, being utterly museless and therefore unable to write, I decided to try a little experiment. Having no monkeys handy, I took the next best thing--Saiyans--and locked them in a room, each with his (and in Bra's case, her) own laptop computer, and told them they wouldn't be allowed out of the room until they produced a fanfic. The fic had to contain the following elements:

A royal family, assassination, incest, a ghost, a vengeful prince (who may or may not be insane), his best friend, and his girlfriend.

As a reward, I told them that if they were successful, they would be allowed to fight en masse until only one of them was left standing. That one would be my fanfiction bitch until such time as I grew weary of a bragging muscleman who can't dress, has silly hair, argues with my every command and eats me out of house and home. Here's what the little warrior monkeys came up with.

THE TALE OF GOKU

Once upon a time there was a royal family who all slept together, except the grandpa who was a ghost. The prince was out to get his best friend because his friend was more powerful than he was, even though he was from a poor family. His friend was a really nice guy about it and didn't brag or anything, but the prince still wanted to kill him. The prince's girlfriend tried to stop him, because the friend was such a nice guy and really handsome, but the prince wouldn't listen and kept trying to get his friend to fight him, so he could kill him. In the end, the prince's friend blew himself up, so the prince went insane because his friend was cooler than he was, and everybody liked him better anyway. The friend was happy to be dead and wouldn't come back to life when his friends tried to wish him back because he thought the prince was way too obsessed with him and he hated being called "Kakarrott". The End.

THE TALE OF VEGETA

There was once a proud and honorable prince from a noble warrior family, whose rightful place in the universe was stolen from him by some low-born, inbred clown who kept wanting to be "friends". The clown was friends with the prince's girlfriend, but the prince was too smart to trust such an idiot as much as she did. By some freak chance, some completely unlikely set of circumstances that were probably some kind of conspiracy, the clown became more powerful than the prince. Naturally, the prince didn't allow this to deter him, but just as it seemed glory was within his grasp, the clown blew himself up, causing the other fools to admire him more than the prince. Again. Then one day the clown came back to the world, though he was dead, and the prince at last got his chance to show his innate superiority. He beat the clown using trickery, though he could easily have beaten him without it, then blew himself up in some sort of bizarre, heroic mental hiccup which, being completely out of character, would never happen again. Furthermore, contrary to what his friend obviously thought, the prince was not obsessed with him and only called him "Kakarrott" because that was his name. Those distasteful fusions they did served a single, limited purpose, then ended…and good riddance. The End.

THE TALE OF GOHAN

Once upon a time there was a prince who had a beautiful girlfriend, a loyal friend, and a family that liked to sleep together. The prince was often visited by the ghost of his great-grandfather, who was assassinated by a monster. His great-grandfather told him how bad it was to sleep with his family like that, so the prince stopped doing that, and lived happily ever after with his girlfriend and his friend. But only slept with his girlfriend, since he didn't like guys that way. The End. (I'm a lot better at math. Can we do some kind of Algebra problem next time?)

THE TALE OF GOTEN AND TRUNKS
(Typed by Trunks because Goten uses the one finger method and would take forever and couldn't come up with a story on his own and so had to cooperate with someone who isn't a total, though adorable, airhead.)

Once upon a time there was a prince and his best friend. They liked to fuse together a lot, which would be a lot like incest if they were related, which they're not. I thought the friend could also be the prince's girlfriend, but Goten said he didn't want to be my girlfriend, which really pissed me off, since we've been fusing for years, and I know he likes it. I think he's just in the closet, which would make him the insane one, so maybe he's the prince, and I'm his friend who's his girlfriend, only not a "girl" in the traditional sense. Anyway, I was checking out our dads' stories, and I think they're missing the obvious parallel between their desire to fight each other and their desire to, shall we say, fuse for fun, rather than just for a specific, world-saving purpose. My father in particular seems unnaturally obsessed with "Kakarrott". Personally, I think what he really wants has nothing to do with fighting, but I could just be projecting my own feelings for Goten onto him. I digress.

Once upon a time there was a prince whose best friend was not his girlfriend but should have been. This drove the prince insane with desire to the point that he married an actual girl in a last-ditch effort to inspire jealousy in his friend. He failed and is now stuck with a shrew and living for those brief moments of fusion with his friend whom the prince is convinced is in denial. Occasionally the prince's friend is visited by his dead father (which will have to suffice as our "ghost"), who really should be telling him to come out of the closet and give in to his true, carnal feelings for the prince, just as the friend's father should give in to his own feelings for the prince's father. However, it is unlikely that the prince's friend will ever have either girl or boyfriend since his shrew of a mother (there's your incest) won't let him, making the issue of closets moot. The End.

THE TALE OF BRA

This is stupid. I don't even like fighting. If I, like, buy you something really expensive will you, like, let me off the hook? I can't, like, take all the testosterone in this room, not to mention my brother's insistence that, like, every guy in the room but him is, like, so in the closet and needs to be having some kind of, like, wild, gay orgy or something. He, like, used to be so damned macho, now he just neglects his wife and, like, moons over Goten, who's such a freaking airhead he doesn't even notice my brother's been, like, madly in love with him since, like, the cradle or something. I mean, Goten's cute and everything, but, like, so stupid. My mom says his dad was a total airhead, too, which explains a lot. His mom's, like, a total bitch, so he's probably, like, an emotional eunuch, or something. I can't believe she, like, let Gohan get married, but then again, she did, like, make them still live with her. I can't believe they, like, had a kid with Chi Chi the Über Bitch in the house.

I can't believe I have to do this. I'm not, like, a Saiyan warrior, or anything. Ok, fine, like, there's a prince whose family sleeps together, his best friend who's in the closet, and his girlfriend who's, like, just a prop so people don't know he's, like, gay. And then there's his friend's dad, who's, like, dead, so he's a ghost, but, like, with a body. Since he's dead, somebody killed him, so that's, like, an assassination, but he actually killed himself, so whatever. Ok, I'm done. The End. Can I go shopping now?

In just a few hours, they all finished their little stories, such as they were, and were allowed to fight each other, which I thought they'd be really jonesing to do. I was wrong. Goku felt he was completely unqualified to be a muse of any ilk, Gohan insisted he had no writing talent, Goten asked me for the umpteenth time how he could be a "bitch" when he was a guy, and Bra insisted upon opting out to go shopping. Vegeta claimed in a snit that he had better things to do and had only taken part in the exercise because Kakarrott had. That left Trunks, who only agreed to act as my muse after I promised to allow him to write as many yaoi and/or lemon fics involving himself and Goten as he liked. That brought Vegeta back in a rage, just as he was leaving the room, to find out if that offer to beat up on the other writers was still open. He then laid into his son, who apparently hadn't come Out to Daddy. In the end, I was left with Vegeta, who just sort of glared at me in a condescending fashion and told me that if I allowed his son to indulge his--quoting him, here--"sick fantasies" in writing or otherwise, he'd personally kick my lazy ass. He then confiscated the picture Gigi drew of me having a bubble bath with Trunks and, taking his battered son by the scruff, stomped out of the room in a homophobic huff.

HOME