"I see they finally let you bathe and put on clean clothes," Urlich grunted as he heaved a gargantuan leather briefcase onto a table that he’d convinced Lina’s jailers to put into her cell. He’d also convinced them to treat her like a human being, which included things like bathing, exchanging her blood-stained clothes for clean ones (purchased by Urlich’s ever-thoughtful paralegal, Princess Amelia), and finding someplace other than the wall to hook her chains to during his visits. Furthermore, Url had been able to arrange screens for privacy whilst Lina used the chamber pot (she had to have a female guard with her, but both lawyer and client viewed that as an improvement over just getting the male guards to turn around).
        "I understand I have you to thank for that," Lina replied with a grateful nod as the guards unhooked her chains from the wall and attached them to the newly-installed floor rings by the table. She sat down and folded her hands on the table, grimacing as the manacles chafed her sore wrists. "They could’ve padded these things."
        "Probably would have interfered with the spell," Urlich suggested with a shrug and sat down across from her. "So, how’re those screens working out?"
        "Better than being the star of a peep show," Lina snorted with an icy glare for the guards, who were just leaving the area to give them some privacy.
        "What’s there to peep at?" One of the guards snickered over his shoulder. "I thought you were a guy until you sat down to take a leak!"
        Lina’s eyes flared and she started to get up with an angry growl, but Urlich stopped her with two firm hands on her forearms. "No magic, remember?"
        "What magic?" Lina snarled back. "I was gonna tear up these chains and wrap ‘em around his puny throat!"
        "Lina…"
        The guards just laughed, then closed the door behind them. Two of them would be posted just outside of it, able to hear the discussion through small holes drilled through the rock walls. They didn’t think Urlich and Lina knew about the holes. They were wrong. Url used to use them, himself, to listen in on the opposition’s conferences with their clients back when he worked as a prosecutor in Rratsnek. A surreptitious check had shown the holes to still be open, though coupled with the listening spells that were very much in evidence, Url thought the holes were overkill.
        Urlich sighed and waited for his client to simmer down, amusing himself with pulling files out of his briefcase while he waited. Ordinarily, this would be the paralegal’s job, but damned if Urlich was going to let Her Royal Nutcase touch his files. He’d sent her off on some bogus fact-finding mission, guaranteed to keep her out of his hair long enough for him to finish his consultation with Lina while still keeping her out of trouble. Ok, he hoped she’d stay out of trouble, but from what experience he’d had with Amelia, he wasn’t holding his breath and suspected he might shortly find himself defending her, as well. If the Rratsnekians did their homework (and heaven knew they always did), Url figured it was just a matter of time before Gourry, and possibly even Naga, came under scrutiny for their previous associations with Lina. Maybe he should get them out of town…? No, they’d never go while Lina was still a prisoner. Those two needed to learn a few selfish hide-saving skills. At least Zelgadis wasn’t around to get himself charged with something, too. Now there was a man who had saving his own neck down to a science, in Url’s humble opinion. A tiny ember of guilt flickered in his conscience for a moment as he remembered how ready and willing Zelgadis had been to charge off to Rratsnek to rescue Lina. Hm. Maybe not entirely selfish but still a royal pain in the ass. Url just hoped Zelgadis would keep his word to Sylph and not come to Rratsnek, as Princess Amelia seemed convinced he would.
        "What?" Lina asked worriedly and tapped the back of Url’s hand. "What’s wrong?"
        "Huh?" Urlich blinked at her for a second, then gave her a tight-lipped smile. "Nothing. I was thinking about something else." He sighed and rubbed his temples, then sat back to regard her with an even stare. "You should know my motion for change of venue has been denied, though I was able to get your trial date moved, as you’ve probably already noticed, since you’re here this morning and not in a court room."
        "So when is it?"
        "Tomorrow morning," Urlich sighed. "I know, I know. That’s not much better, but it’s all I could get."
        Lina’s shoulders drooped, and her gaze dropped to the tabletop. Just one day. How could Url and Amelia put together a solid case for her in one, lousy day? Eh? What’s this? Lina finally noticed the piece of paper Urlich had shoved under her fingers.
        "Princess Amelia is researching certain things for me," he said with a meaningful look to encourage her to carry on a conversation while reading his note. "I asked Lita to go with her."
        "What? Those two all by themselves?" Lina laughed. "I hope Gourry went with them, at least."
        Urlich shrugged. "I left it up to them. They’re being watched, so I think they’ll stay out of trouble."
        Lina nodded. "Let’s hope so." Meanwhile, she read the note, which offered jailbreak as an option, should things not go well in the courtroom. Urlich suspected they’d go horribly, and so did Lina. Her reputation was well-earned, to be sure. Urlich pushed a pen under her fingers so she could respond, and she wrote: "Make sure everybody gets out," and underlined "everybody" several times to make sure Url understood that she wouldn’t go unless all her friends escaped, as well. Then she wrote: "Show me the plan before you try anything."
        Urlich took the paper back, read it, then burned it with a small fire spell, lighting his cigarette with it in the same motion, just in case anybody asked about his use of magic.
        Lina waved the smoke away with a disgusted grimace. "I hate those things, Url! Why don’t you quit?"
        He gave her a withering look and blew smoke over his shoulder, away from her face. "It relaxes me. Here’s what I’ve got so far." He opened a file folder and pushed it toward her, then settled into explaining his plans for her case.

        In another, more attractive part of Rratsnek, Princess Amelia and Lita Sorez were failing to stay out of trouble. Actually, it wasn’t their fault those guys hanging around outside the public library found them desirable. Nor that those same guys wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was, however, entirely Princess Amelia’s fault that the one who groped her breast got roasted in a very gratifying fireball. Unfortunately, the only witnesses were the guy’s buddies and Lita, all of whom had one kind of bias or another and were not taken seriously by the police who showed up in response to the fireballed guy’s screams of terror and agony (which Amelia thought were a bit overdone to have been entirely genuine). The only thing for it was to arrest all parties involved and allow them to file their separate assault charges, except for the gent who got fried. He filed his charges from a hospital bed.
        Fortunately, Naga and Gourry had enough money between them to post Amelia’s and Lita’s bail without having to bug Urlich about it. Unfortunately, somebody thought Urlich should know his paralegal was charged with assault for tossing fireballs around in the city limits. If Amelia thought arguing with Lina after screwing up was frustrating, she learned a whole new dimension of infuriation dealing with Urlich.
        "I turn my back on you for one second, and you fuck up!" Url screamed in Amelia’s face. "I knew this was gonna happen! Somebody must’ve slipped something in my morning coffee to make me think trusting you with something as simple as going to the library was a good idea!"
        "He grabbed my breast!" Amelia shot back defiantly.
        "And you thought fireballing him was a good solution to that problem?!"
        "What was I supposed to do? Thank him?!" The Princess sobbed. She looked to Lita for help, but her unwitting partner in crime just bit her lip and sniffled. Great.
        Urlich ran a hand through his hair, yanking most of it out of its ribbon. "Ok," he said, holding his hands up between himself and Amelia, who looked like she was going to explode, "ok, right. Sorry. He grabbed your tit, I don’t expect you to be grateful, but I do expect you to use your head, Princess! Scream ‘rape’ or something next time."
        "NEXT TIME?!"
        Url jumped out of the way of her swinging fist and hurried to amend his statement with an angry sneer. "You’re right. There won’t be a next time. You’re not cute enough for that!"
        "You creep!" Amelia wailed. "How can you say that to a girl, Mr. Urlich?! That’s so mean! I hate you!"
        "Likewise. Does this mean you’ll stop helping me with Lina’s—"
        "Nice try, Mr. Urlich," Amelia interrupted with a nasty snarl as she scrubbed her face with her fists. "I just feel sorry for Miss Lina, having to depend on a jerk like you for help. I can’t believe a nice person like Miss Sylph actually saw any redeeming qualities in you. I think she was smart to leave you! So there!"
        "Oh, that was just so mature," Urlich snorted and turned his back on her with a perturbed huff.
        Lita came out of her haze of mortification to note meekly: "Well, it really wasn’t very mature of you to insult her like you did. I think Princess Amelia is very pretty."
        Amelia blushed at Lita, then turned a triumphant smirk on Urlich’s back. "Thank you, Miss Lita!"
        "But I also think it was cruel of you to say that to him about Sylph," Lita added with more courage in her voice. "I’m sure Sylph was in love with Urlich…and I know she still cares about him. I’ve seen it. So, she must have found something…you know, wonderful about him. Don’t you think?"
        Urlich came out of his snit to cast a sneaky glance at her out of the corner of his eye. "You’re in trouble, too, you know," he told her in a kinder voice than the one he’d used on Amelia.
        The Princess looked from Lita to Urlich, then back again. Oh-ho, so that’s how it was. Barely a day on the road together, and already Urlich and Lita were bonding. Well, wasn’t that special? "I thought you were still in love with Sylph!" She accused Urlich.
        He turned around very slowly and glared at her hard enough to make her take a step backward. "What makes you think I'm not?"
        By way of response, Amelia stared meaningfully at Lita, who turned bright red and shook her head emphatically. "Princess, I don’t know why you think…um, I mean, not that Urlich isn’t…but he, um…um…"
        Url struggled to keep the smirk off his face and failed, embarrassing Lita even worse. "Lita, I had no idea you felt that way…"
        "I don’t!" She squeaked.
        Amelia giggled. "You can do better, Miss Lita. I mean, he’s still in love with somebody else, so…it’s sort of hopeless, don’t you think?"
        Lita glared her feet and muttered: "I said I didn’t feel that way…"
        Urlich pouted. "Why, Lita, I’m hurt. You don’t find me attractive."
        "Jerk," Amelia grumbled and stuck her tongue out at him.
        He grinned and wagged his finger at her. "Don’t stick that out unless you intend to use it."
        GASP! "Mr. Urlich, that’s disgusting!"
        Urlich chuckled and went over to pat Lita on the shoulder. She looked up at him with a startled blush, then hastily looked away. "Don’t let her get to you, Lita."
        "Don’t let ME get to her?!" Amelia sputtered, then, for lack of anything more articulate to say, she called him a jerk again.
        Url chuckled again and went to the dressing table to fix his hair. "I guess you’ll want me to defend you, too, Ladies?"
        "Not if you were the last lawyer in the world!" Amelia snapped.
        Lita put it more politely. "I think you should concentrate on Lina’s case, though if you think you can help us, as well…"
        Urlich grinned at her in the mirror, and Lita was suddenly sorry she asked. "I don’t think you have a choice, unless you want the Public Defender."
        "I’ll send to Seyruun for a lawyer, thank you very much!" Amelia told him with a pert flip of her hair.
        "I’m sure Prince Phileonel will just love to hear the details," Url sneered back casually as he ran a brush through his long, purplish hair. "Especially since this raping thing seems to be a bit of a habit with you lately. I’ll bet he’ll want his little girl to go back to Seyruun for safe keeping. Of course, she’ll still have to come back here to face the music…recount the natty details of her groping…"
        Amelia grabbed the brush out of his hand and whacked him upside the head with it. "I know you hate my guts, Mr. Urlich, but that’s going too far! You’re a man, so you can never understand how I feel! And it was your own father, who—who—" Amelia collapsed onto the floor in tears, the hairbrush still clutched in her hands.
        Urlich sighed and rubbed the lump on his head as he crouched down onto the floor with the Princess. "Your Highness, I’m sorry," he told her sincerely. "That was out of line." He reached out to touch her shoulder, hesitated, then went ahead and did it. "I am truly sorry. Please believe me."
        Amelia gave a loud sob, then collapsed into his arms in hysterical tears. "What am I going to do, Mr. Urlich? Miss Lina needs me, and now I’m in trouble, too! She’s gonna yell a me and…and…she’ll be so mad!"
        Urlich looked at Lita and asked: "Where’s Gourry?"
        She shrugged. "They posted our bail, then said something about lunch. Princess Amelia is supposed to stay here as a condition of her bail, and I said I’d stay and keep her company, so Gourry and Naga went to lunch by themselves."
        "Didn’t happen to mention where they were going, did they?" Urlich asked, not really expecting an affirmative answer. He wasn’t disappointed.
        Lita shook her head. "Sorry. I think they were just going to walk around until they found someplace that smelled good."
        "Great."
        "Do you want me to help you look for them?"
        "No. Stay here and wait for them to get back," Url told her firmly. "I’ll ask around and see if I can find them."
        Well, this was just simply fabulous, Urlich thought in supreme disgust. As if Lina being on trial wasn’t bad enough, now Amelia was charged with assault, and she’d convinced Lita to bring charges against the guys who’d groped the Princess. Worse, word that the Crown Princess of Seyruun had been involved in a scuffle in Rratsnek would surely be big news and reach the ears of Prince Phil in no time. Ah yes, life was good. Why did he even bother to get up in the morning? He pushed Amelia off of him and handed her over to Lita to finish her cry. Then he straightened his coat and went to find Lina’s missing side kicks.

        "Whoa, Naga! You can really put ‘em away!" Gourry hiccuped as Naga slammed down mug number eight with a loud belch. Gourry giggled his admiration of her burping prowess. "Good one!" He had just seven mugs in front of him, so he chugged the remaining contents of number eight and slammed it down to join its empty brethren.
        The little drinking contest had drawn a bit of a crowd, and people were taking bets on who would win. At the moment, Gourry was garnering the lion’s share of the bets by virtue of his manhood and the Rratsnekians apparent inability to imagine a woman could outdrink a man. Naga was determined to prove them all wrong—and collect a tidy sum while she was at it. She’d managed to arrange for the winner to get a cut of the take.
        "Barkeep! Bring us another round!" She shouted, and the crowd cheered her bravado.
        Six more mugs of ale were brought out, divided in half and placed before the contestants. Naga and Gourry each grabbed one, threw it back, then slammed down the empty. They repeated the process through all three mugs in rapid succession and finished off the last with loud, crowd-pleasing belches.

        "Barkeep!" Naga slurred and wavered a bit as she held up a hand to get the bartender’s attention. "Bring uz annudder round!"
        "Hear! Hear!" Gourry agreed with another burp.
        Urlich showed up in time to see Gourry faceplant into the table, while Naga stayed upright just long enough to win the contest before joining him in oblivion. Lucky thing he was there, because the good townsfolk had decided unconscious winners wouldn’t notice they’d been ripped off until those who’d gypped them were long gone. Url wasn’t sure if Naga got the right amount of her winnings, but at least she got something, which was more than she would’ve gotten had he not arrived when he did. That didn’t mean he was of a mind to forgive either her or Gourry for being this stupid.
        He grinned a truly evil grin at his unconscious audience and told them: "I can’t even begin to describe how delighted I am that you’ll both have raging hangovers when I’m screaming at you for this later." That said, Urlich pulled out his crystal ball and called his sister. "Zhara, we’ve had a problem. I need backup as fast as you can get it here."

        In Lina’s cell…
        ::Lina Inverse…wimpshit::
        "Will you give it a rest, already?"
        ::The mighty dragon spooker and bandit killer. Ooh, I’m scared."
        "Bite me."
        ::If you insist::
        "OW!"
        ::Wimp. So what if you lose your appendages! Make ‘em pay for locking you up!::
        Lina sighed and shook her head. "Easy for you to say, you don’t have any appendages."
        ::Aw, poor baby. You don’t really think Urlich can get you off the hook, do you? He’s all talk and no action. Full of hot air::
        The sorceress smirked. "Wouldn’t give you a second look, would he?"
        ::Bitch::
        "Thought so," Lina snickered. "So Dolgen was your second choice, eh?"
        ::No, he wasn’t my second choice:: Icedrake snapped back. ::Urlich was. Have you ever tried to get an aesthetic to notice you?::
        "Can’t say as I have," Lina told her honestly, "but I thought the problem was who you guys served."
        ::That, too::
        "How in the world did you two ever get together, anyway?" Lina pressed. Talking to her Mazoku-possessed sword-cum-headgear was better than chatting it up with the guards. At least Icedrake didn’t make lewd comments at her whenever she said she had to go to the bathroom.
        ::Mind your own business, mortal::
        "Touchy, touchy, touchy," Lina clucked back. "Not that I care, of course."
        ::Then why’d you ask?::
        "I’m bored."
        ::So amuse yourself by figuring out how you’re gonna escape, moron!::
        "What do you think I’m doing?" Lina hissed into the crack between her knees. "It’d go a lot better, if you would shut up once in a while!"
        ::Oh well, excuuuuuse me!::
        Sometime later…
        ::Got anything yet?::
        "What part of ‘shut up’ didn’t you understand?"
        ::Bitch::

        "They’re drunk?!" Princess Amelia wailed in despair when Gourry and Naga hauled into the room they all shared by a very unhappy Urlich. The two sidekicks were sort of conscious, enough to make walking motions when Urlich dragged them across the floor, then wave their arms around as if to break their falls when he threw them in the general direction of the bed. "Zhara’s sending help. I have research that has to be done if we’re going to do a decent job of defending Lina," he said for the benefit of the guard outside the door. After he slammed the door behind him, he gathered Amelia and Lita close and added: "If we can’t spring her first."
        "Who’s Zhara sending?" Amelia asked in a whisper.
        "No idea," Url replied at normal volume. "I just asked for help. We’ll see who turns up. I hate to tear Jessica away from the paintings, but I think we might need her. I gave her the latest."
        Lita and Amelia both drooped at that. Naga and Gourry…snored. "I guess she’ll tell Daddy, huh?" Amelia sulked.
        "Probably," Url told her sourly, "if he hasn’t heard it through the rumor mill by the time Jessica gets to him. This isn’t going to be pretty, Princess. I hope you’re all very pleased with yourselves!" He took off his coat and threw it over a chair, then did the same with his cravat and cane, then unbuttoned his shirt a bit. "I can’t believe anybody in this world can be as unlucky as you people! I thought it was just Zelgadis, you know?" He griped as he flopped onto another chair and lit up a cigarette. Amelia felt this wasn’t the right moment to give him a hard time about his smoking habit and went to tend to Naga and Gourry, instead. "But I was wrong, wasn’t I?" Urlich continued to complain, waving the cigarette around dramatically. "It’s all of you! Your rotten luck has even rubbed off on me—and Sylph and Lita and everybody else who gets anywhere near you! How can anybody be that unlucky?! No wait! Wait! I know what it is!" Url sat up with a look of purest enlightenment on his face. "It’s not bad luck—you’re just stupid, and the rest of us just happen to get its way!" He sat back with a bitter snort and took a pull off his smoke. "Well, I just feel so much better now that I’ve solved that little mystery!"
        "Urlich," Lita began, "that’s a little harsh…"
        Gourry belched. Naga farted. They both snored.
        Urlich sighed. "I rest my case."
        Amelia waved her hand in front of her face to block the smell but finally gave up and retreated to the dressing table, Lita not far behind her. "Look at it this way, Mr. Urlich," Amelia ventured weakly and wrinkled her nose, "it can’t get any worse, right?"
        "Good one, Princess," Url grumbled, "challenge the Universe to outdo itself."
        "Why are you always such a jerk?" Amelia demanded angrily. "I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation, and you just want to make it worse! I don’t understand how anybody can be so mean all the time!"
        "I’m half-Mazoku, remember?" Url shot back over a stream of smoke. "It’s in my blood."
        "So’s being nice, like a dragon," Amelia argued, though she knew that wasn’t the most accurate of generalizations. She’d seen how cold and cruel dragons could be, even lying to cover their own wickedness, as the gold dragons had done after exterminating the Ancient Dragons. Maybe Url’s meanness came from both sides of his family, she thought unhappily.
        Urlich frowned deeply. "We are not having this conversation."
        The Princess strode over to where Urlich sat smoking, put her hands on the arms of his chair and got right in his face to growl: "You better not screw up rescuing Miss Lina, or I’ll make sure Daddy doesn’t give you a single copper piece for any of this!"
        Url blew smoke over her head. "Whatever."
        "Then I’ll burn all of your cravats!"
        He raised an eyebrow and scowled at her. "I dare you to try it, Princess."
        "Then I’ll tell everybody about those goofy underwear with the smiley faces and—MRF! MFF!"
        Urlich dug his claws into the side of her head just enough to shut her up but not enough to actually draw blood. He laughed self-consciously at Lita, who looked a bit too curious for his liking. "She’s making that up. Ignore her."
        "I didn’t say anything…" Lita blushed.

Chapter 27