Ten minutes later…

    "The Prosecution may call its first witness!"
    :: Can I call 'em, or what? ::
    Xellos left the Prosecution table, walked a few paces toward the Bench, nodded politely at Judge Joodie, then the Jury, then he turned dramatically to face the audience. He was clearly trying to look serious and respectable with one thumb hooked into his vest pocket and his other hand hanging loose at his side. However, the little smirk on his lips and the merry sparkle in his lavender eyes gave away his enjoyment of the moment as his gaze met Lina's.
    Oh crap…I know that look…
    :: You're toast. ::
    Well, you don't have to sound so happy about it!
    Lina's pals looked worried, but Urlich was the very picture of composure. He knew that look, too, and he wasn't going to let it rattle his cage this time. He met his father's eyes and smiled back at him, patiently awaiting Xellos' first move.
    Xellos turned back to the Judge and jury, and his free hand came up to gesture toward the audience. "Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I call as my first witness…"
    Lina gulped. A bead of sweat trickled down to her neck and under her collar. Oh well, she was having a bad week, anyway. How much worse could it possibly get?
    "…Princess Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova!"
    That backstabbing little witch…
    :: Do you know her? ::
    I sort of accidentally destroyed her kingdom with a Dragon Slave.
    :: Cool! ::
    Martina left her seat and made her way to the witness stand, fixing Lina with a smug pout and toss of her head as she passed, making a point of exaggerating the swing in her hips. She was attired in the same, utterly tasteless and unflattering traveling garb to which Lina was so accustomed, and yet the fashion press just lapped it up.
    "Gods, what an amazing figure!"
    "What a daring top!"
    "And that ornament to draw the eye you-know-where! She's fabulous!"
    "I love that look with two different boots! I smell a new trend, people!"
    Lina rolled her eyes. The gods hate me.
        Martina mounted the witness stand, looking all the more smug in the glow of her fashion triumph. She placed her left hand on the book the Bailiff held out to her and pertly raised her right hand, a wicked smirk plastered across her face.
    "Do you solemnly swear on the Claire Bible to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you gods?"
    Martina nodded. "I do." Then suddenly her eyes bugged and she snatched the book out of the Bailiff's hand with a squeal. "Oh my gods, is this really a copy of the Claire Bible?!" She waved it in the air over her head. "Ha-ha, Miss Lina! At last, I, Princess Martina Zoana Mel Navritolova have the Claire Bible, and you DON'T! OOOHH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!"
    Judge Joodie's bench put her at just the right height to grab the book out of Martina's hand and smack the Princess upside the head with it. "If you pull a stunt like that again, young lady, I will not only charge you with contempt of court, but I will recommend that the City Council of Rratsnek consider it an act of war by the Kingdom of Zoana…if I may dignify that little collection of hastily thrown-together huts and that board-front 'castle' with the title 'Kingdom'."
    Martina's eyes welled up with tears, but Judge Joodie cut off her indignant protest with a narrow-eyed stare.
    "Now sit down and behave yourself!"
    Martina sat.
    Judge Joodie handed the book to the Bailiff, who dusted it off with a mean look for Martina, tucked it into his uniform then took up his place beside the witness stand. Judge Joodie glared at Martina, then glared at Xellos, who kept his composure. A good, long, annoyed glare at the courtroom in general, and Judge Joodie was ready to get back to business. "Mr. Metallium…you may proceed."
    Xellos smiled. "Thank you, Your Honor." He approached the witness stand, casually rested one elbow on the rail and looked to the audience, though his words were for Martina. "State your name for the court, please."
    "Princess Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova."
    "Princess, the Judge indicated that Zoana is being rebuilt. Is it?"
    "Yes, it is."
    "And what happened to Zoana that it needs to be rebuilt?"
    Martina's face turned purple. "It was destroyed by a Dragon Slave!"
    "A…Dragon Slave? Could you explain to the court what that is, please?"
    "It's…" Martina's finger moved to her lips as she thought about it. "Um…well, it's a terrible Black Magic spell that blows up entire cities!"
    "And who cast that spell?"
    Martina rose from her seat to point an accusing finger at Lina. "SHE did! LINA INVERSE!"
    The crowd gasped in horror. Lina buried her face in her hands. She was dying to explain that she hadn't Dragon Slaved the kingdom, she'd Dragon Slaved the golem that had gone out of control and would've destroyed the kingdom if she hadn't destroyed it! The golem, that is. The destruction of the kingdom was an accident. But Martina and her father the King had been planning to take over the world and feed everybody to Zomelgustar, Martina's imaginary monster friend, and they'd even taken Princess Amelia hostage, and…and…
    Urlich's hand on her shoulder brought Lina's attention back to reality. "Wait for the cross examination," he whispered.
    Lina nodded. Right.
    The rest of Xellos' questions skillfully glossed over Martina's vendetta against Lina, including the curses she cast on her, and didn't even address Zomulgustar. But Url still had plenty of ammo when it came time for his cross-examination of Martina.
    "Princess Martina," Urlich began, wielding upon the witness his finest Xellos-like smile. She blanched. "Is it true that the Kingdom of Zoana was the custodian of an ancient, giant golem?"
    "Y-yes…"
    "And had that golem been activated at the time of Zoana's destruction, or was it still dormant wherever it was Zoana kept it when not in use?"
    Martina began to sweat. "It…it was…active…"
        "Who activated it?"
"Um…I-I did…" Martina's eyes blazed as she added: "I did it to protect Zoana from Lina's Dragon Slave!"
    "Are sure Lina didn't use her Dragon Slave to destroy the golem because it had gone out of control and was blasting Zoana after falling on top of you and your father the King?" Urlich leaned in close to Martina and raised his voice dramatically. "Are you sure you didn't beg Lina to stop the golem for you?"
    Martina was really sweating now. She appealed to the Judge with her eyes, but Judge Joodie's face remained hard.
    Xellos spoke up. "Objection! Leading the witness!"
    "Sustained. The Jury will disregard that question."
    Urlich was unfazed. His goal had been to rattle Martina, and he was succeeding. "Very well. Was the golum under your control at the time the Dragon Slave spell was cast?"
    Martina looked at Lina, whose eyes promised another Dragon Slave if Martina wasn't honest. She looked at Zangulus, her beloved, ever-supportive husband and was furious to find he'd fallen asleep. Just when she needed him, too! That jerk! And Princess Amelia…another witness to the destruction of Zoana. Damn. If she took the stand…
    "No," Martina finally admitted quietly.
    "What was it doing?"
    "Um…shooting…"
    "At what?"
    "Um…at…um…Zoana."
    "Did you notice where Lina was aiming when she cast the Dragon Slave?"
    Martina looked down at her lap. "Um…yes…"
    "Where was she aiming?"
    "At, um…at the golem."
    "Not at Zoana?"
    Martina looked up with tears in her eyes. "BUT SHE HIT ZOANA! SHE BLEW IT UP! She ruined my life!"
    "Princess, please calm yourself," Urlich cooed. "I know it's horrible to think of all the people of Zoana getting killed like that."
    Martina looked embarrassed as she sat back down. "Well, actually, everybody got out…nobody died."
    "Oh? How did that happen? Do you know?"
    Martina nodded. "Lina's friends…warned them all…then Lina cast the spell."
    "So would you say Lina was trying to destroy Zoana and kill everybody in it?"
    "She was trying to stop the golum."
    "Not destroy Zoana? In your opinion?"
    Martina sobbed into her hands. It wasn't supposed to go like this at all! This was supposed to be her big moment of vengeance against Lina after all these years! It just wasn't fair! Xellos promised!
        "Princess? Please answer the question."
"Just…the golum. But…the Dragon Slave blew up the whole kingdom! She was irresponsible, using it so close to a city!"
    "Was there another way that you knew of to stop the golum?"
    Martina shook her head as tears streamed down her face. "No. I mean, I didn't know of a way, just that it couldn't be stopped by common spells. So Lina said she'd use an uncommon spell. Those were her words, 'uncommon spell'. Then she cast that Dragon Slave thing, and Zoana…Zoana…GOT BLOWN UP!"
    She was inconsolable after that, but Urlich had gotten everything he needed out of her. "No further questions, Your Honor."
        Judge Joodie looked to Xellos. "Does the Prosecution have any more questions for this witness?"
    Xellos didn't seem in the least bit dismayed over the dissembling of his first witness. "No, Your Honor."
    "Then call your next witness."

    After Princess Martina, Xellos called the sorcerer Vrumugun...
    Mr. Vrumugun," the Trickster Priest began once the sorcerer was sworn in, "please tell the Jury how you know the Defendant, Lina Inverse."
    Vrumugun turned a deadpan expression on Lina. "Approximately four years ago, I was sent to kill her and her party by Eris, servant of Rezo the Red Priest and expert in Copy Magic."
    Xellos raised an eyebrow. "Could you explain to the Jury what 'Copy Magic' is?"
    "Yes."
    Long pause.
    "Well?" Xellos prodded.
    "You asked if I could explain what 'Copy Magic' is," Vrumugun replied coolly, "and I answered that I can."
    Xellos' jaw tightened. "Fair enough. Thank you for that. Now please go ahead and explain it."
    Vrumugun's mouth may have curled into a little smirk, but if it did, his emotionless expression returned too quickly for anyone to be sure. "It's the magical science of creating an exact duplicate of a living organism, or combination of organisms, including memories and skills. I, for example, am a copy. So was the version of Rezo the Red Priest whom Eris and I served."
    Xellos smiled at the Jury, then at Lina with a twinkle in his eye, just to watch that look of sickening horror creep onto her face, while all the color drained out of it. He always found that so entertaining. "And what generation of Vrumugun copy are you?" He asked the witness.
    "I've lost count. Twenty-five? Thirty?"
    "What happened to the other Vrumuguns?"
    "Lina Inverse killed most of them," Vrumugun replied. "Her allies killed some of the others."
    "Which allies, specifically? Are any of them here in the courtoom?"
Vrumugun pointed at Gourry. "Gourry Gabriev, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, and Sylphiel Nels Lahda are present. The other, Zelgadis Greywers, a former servant of the original Rezo, is not in this courtroom."
    "So, Lina Inverse and her allies have killed you many times over?"
    "Yes."
    "Any property damage associated with these killings?"
    "Naturally," Vrumugun told him, "that is usually the case in battles between powerful sorcerers like Lina Inverse and myself."
    You idiot, you're not supposed to make it sound normal! "I...see. And is Lina Inverse still killing you, Vrumugun?"
    "No. We have had no quarrel with one another since the death of Kopii Rezo."
    "You don't hold any sort of grudge against Lina for killing so many versions of you?"
    "I was paid to eliminate her," Vrumugun explained, staring darkly into Xellos' eyes, "she naturally wished to prevent me from succeeding."
    Xellos nodded, as if thinking about his next question. What he was really thinking was how there would be no more Vrumuguns after the trial, since he planned to kill this one, and there was now no one left to create a copy of him. "No further questions."
    Judge Joodie glared at Urlich. "Your witness, Mr. Metallium."
    Urlich stood. "No questions, Your Honor."

    After Vrumugun, Xellos called a bandit boss…
    "State your name, please."
     big, mustachioed bandit boss was clad only in bikini briefs and leather straps that crossed over his chest. He flexed his muscles and wiggled his pecs at the courtroom. The audience ooh'd and ahh'd appreciatively. "I'm the Boss of the Fighting Dragon's Blood Macho Men!" He stood up and flexed everything from his ears to his ankles, including his dimpled butt. The crowed sighed appreciatively again, and a few of the women in the house swooned. Lina thought she was going to be sick.
    Gourry tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey, that's pretty cool!     Think I could do that?"
    Lina twitched. "Not now, Gourry!"
    "Later, then! Maybe he'll teach me!"
Lina instinctively moved to hit him only to be stopped by the chains that held her to the table. "Dammit, Gourry, shut up!"
    Judge Joodie pounded her gavel. "Order! Order, or I'll throw you out of this courtroom, Mister!"
    Gourry gulped. "Yes, Your Honor. I'm sorry."
    The Judge turned to the witness. "State your actual name for the court, please, not your job title."
    The bandit boss flexed his biceps at her. Judge Joodie was not impressed, but the bandit boss didn't seem to notice. "My name is…(flex-flex-flex)…ULTRA MACHO GREAT MANLY DRAGON!" He turned around and flexed his back muscles, especially those in his butt. More ladies swooned, others fanned themselves, many of the men in room turned green with envy. Again, Judge Joodie failed to be impressed.
    "Shall we just call you 'Dragon' for short, then?"
    Flex. "Sure!"
    "Please take your seat."
    Flexity-flex-flex. "OK!" He squeezed his substantial self onto the witness chair, which groaned beneath his muscular weight. He flexed his neck muscles and wiggled his pecks a few more times, then settled down.
    "Now, then…Dragon…" Xellos began, "you called yourself the leader of the Fighting Dragon's Blood Macho Men, but I haven't heard of that gang in a long time."
    "Well, we've sort of been in a re-recruitment phase for the past couple of years."
    "Oh? Why is that?"
    "Well, you see, we got attacked by the Bandit Killer Lina Inverse a few years back…destroyed the hideout, decimated our forces. I was surprised to see how tiny she is, what with her big reputation for bandit killing and all."
    "How did Lina Inverse do all this?"
    "She came looking for my Claire Bible manuscript, but I'd been warned by an informant that she was coming, so instead of giving it to her, I told my men to seize her and her pretty blonde friend (shame to waste such a sexy babe, but business is business, and--)"
    Gourry jumped up out of his seat, red-faced with rage. "'Sexy babe'?! I'M A GUY, YOU IDIOT!"
    "A guy?! Well, you're awfully pretty for a guy…kind of skinny, too…"
    "Who're you calling 'skinny'?!"
    Judge Joodie's gavel came down. "Bailiff, eject that man! You, Sir, will be charged with contempt of court!"
    "I'm sorry, Your Honor!" Gourry protested as the Bailiff bodily dragged him out of his seat and down the aisle toward the big double doors at the far end of the courtroom. "I'll behave! Really! Linaaaaaaaa!"
    Lina once again buried her face in her hands. "Idiot…"
    Beside her, Urlich sighed. "I knew we shouldn't have let that moron watch the trial."
    Beast Master giggled.
    The Judge glared as the Bailiff returned from his mission, brushing off his hands with a self-satisfied smirk. "Would anyone else like to try the patience of this court?" Asked the Judge.
    All together now, with feeling: "No, Your Honor!"
    "Good. Stenographer, read back the last question and response before the outburst."
    The stenographer nodded and rolled back her scroll to the appropriate point. In a completely emotionless voice, she read: "Prosecutor: 'How did Lina Inverse do all this?' Witness: 'She came looking for my piece of the Claire Bible manuscript, but I'd been warned by an informant that she was coming, so instead of giving it to her, I told my men to seize her and her pretty blonde friend (shame to waste such a sexy babe, but business is business, and--)'. Then there was the outburst, Your Honor."
    Judge Joodie turned to Xellos. "Proceed, Mr. Metallium."
    Xellos smiled. "Thank you, Your Honor. Mr. Dragon, after you told your men to seize Lina Inverse and her companion, what did you do?"
    "I ran for the treasure room to get my manuscript before she could! She was blowing the place to bits!"
    Xellos raised an eyebrow, as if this was all news to him, even though had been present for the events being described and was, in fact, the afore-mentioned informant. "You mean she was trying to destroy your hideout?"
    "Objection!" Urlich slammed his hand down onto the Defense table. "Leading the witness!"
    "Sustained. Mr. Metallium, rephrase your question."
    "Of course. Why do you think she was trying to blow your hideout to bits, as you put it?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Xellos realized he should've phrased it differently…and he got exactly the answer he didn't want.
    Dragon looked a little sheepish. "Well, my men were attacking her and all. I guess it was self-defense…but then her blonde friend handled my men while Lina chased after me."
    "Did she do anything other than chase you?"
    "No, she just ran after me, but I must've lost her on the way to the treasure room because she wasn't behind me anymore when I got there. There was just this blue guy with stone skin and a sword. I still have a scar from where he got me! I thought I was dead!" He got up and pulled down the back of his bikini briefs to reveal a long, red scar across his lower back. More women swooned and fainted.
    "Let's stick to Lina, shall we?" Said Xellos at the same time Judge Joodie said:
    "Will the Defendant please refrain from exposing himself to the court?"
    ...and Naga was heard to whistle appreciatively and say: "Bet you could bounce a gold piece off that ass!"
    Dragon blushed. "Why thank you, miss-" Then he saw her, a vision bursting out of tight, black leather. Her long, lean arms sculpting her clothing in the way only a swordswoman's muscles could. Her shining black hair curling about her enormous, sumptuous breasts. The saucy sparkle in her eyes…the lascivious curve of her ruby red lips… He had to sit down before his legs gave out on him altogether, but he couldn't tear his eyes from her, couldn't see anything but that vision of perfect womanhood. Why hadn't he seen her before? How could he have missed such a goddess! "By the gods, Lady…your body…it's…it's…PERFECT!"
    "Eh?" Said everyone else in the courtroom as all eyes snapped to Naga.
    Naga, batted her eyelashes at the bandit boss and twirled a lock of hair around her finger. Dragon winked at her. She winked back. He grinned broadly and tugged on his briefs. She ran a finger down the middle of her cleavage and her tongue over her lips. He wiggled his pecs, she wiggled her breasts. Birds sang, sakura petals fluttered down out of nowhere, the crowd said "Awwwwwwww!" It was love.
    :: Shabranigdo's nuts, I think I'm gonna be sick. ::
    Shabranigdo has nuts? Lina shook her head to snap herself out of that mental picture. "Hello? I'm on trial here! Can we get back to…me?"
    Judge Joodie decided this would be a good time for a brief recess to attend to the fainting victims, lock up the lovebirds, clean up the sakura petals, and have herself a good, stiff drink.

    An hour later, court was back in session, and Xellos called his next witness.
    "The Prosecution calls Saman, Elder of-" He turned to the old man who was seating himself carefully in the witness stand, mindful of his arthritic joints. "What was the name of your village again, Elder?"
    The old man looked up with a scowl. "What the hell does it matter, anyway? It doesn't exist anymore, thanks to that damned Dragon Spooker girl!" He pointed his cane at Lina, who missed it because she had her head on her arms and was trying very hard to keep from sobbing.
    :: Bad news? ::
    I blew up this guy's village with a Dragon Slave, too. But I killed the dragon! You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?
    :: You're preaching to the choir, Sister. ::
    Judge Joodie rolled her eyes. "For the record, Elder…the name of your village?"
    He scratched his beard, then his rump, looked thoughtful, then grumpy, then shrugged and blushed. "I, er, don't rightly remember. Getting a bit senile, you see. Eheheh."
    Xellos' smile actually dipped. His unimpeachable witness had just rendered himself impeachable. Oh well, the show must go on as they say.
    A vein on Judge Joodie's temple throbbed as she struggled for control. "Where was the village, then? Can you remember that?"
    "Oh yes!" Saman perked up. "I think…it was at the foot of a mountain where this bandit gang…er…oh, what was their name? Something Dragon Gang. Anyways, they had this big, black dragon that was the boss' pet-That was the name of 'em! The Black Dragons! After the dragon, you see…"
    "The location of this mountain?" The Judge prodded.
    "Hmmm…about three weeks journey north of here. That's how long it took me to get here by cart, anyway."
    That vein on the Judge's temple was starting to look mighty painful from where Xellos stood. She took a deep breath. "It will have to do. Mr. Metallium…proceed."
    Xellos straightened his jacket, which didn't need it, and smiled at Saman, who recoiled just like every other mortal who'd ever been subjected to that smile (except, perhaps, Martina.) "Elder, what happened to your village?"
    "I told you!" Saman pointed his cane at Lina again. "That little witch blew it up! We hired her to destroy the dragon…JUST THE DRAGON! But she took out the whole village! And she thought we'd pay her after that! We chased her out of town! Er…where the town used to be, I mean. But we chased her and that pretty blonde friend of hers until we could run no more!"
    Xellos cast a glance in Lina's direction to see how she was taking all of this. She had her elbow on the table and her chin cupped in one hand. Her face wore a sort of dazed expression, and she had a vein just like Judge Joodie's twitching on her forehead. He smiled at her. Even cross-examination couldn't save her from this one.
    "Was anyone in your village killed? Aside from the dragon, of course." According to Xellos' research, Saman and a handful of other villagers were just about all that had survived Lina's Dragon Slave. He decided to watch Lina as the Elder answered the question in order to get the most pleasure from her reaction.
    Saman thought about it. "Don't think so. Nope."
    Xellos' head jerked around, and he gaped at Saman in disbelief. "Nobody?"
    "Nope. Just the dragon. And the village, of course. It was a big crater when she got done with it, but the funny thing was nobody got killed. Couldn't believe it. A miracle from the gods, if you ask me."
    :: Yeah, you'd think the gods would want to punish them for being stupid enough to hire you to handle their dragon problem. ::
    Eggs…omelet…Like the world…fried egg on a stick…sunny side up…
    :: You're starting to freak me out. ::
    I'm hungry.
    Xellos was nodding in response to Saman's testimony but looked like he really wanted wrap things up with the old man. "So, Lina Inverse blew up your village-"
    "In the course of killing the dragon, which had been plaguing us for years! The bandits used it to scare us into giving them all our valuables! But we just wanted to get rid of the dragon! And the gang, which she'd already done, but the important thing is, she blew up our village! She's worse than the dragon AND the gang put together!"
    Xellos smiled. "No further questions, Your Honor." Never trust a human to do a Mazoku's job…Nobody died. Oy. And Lina usually shows so much more promise.
    Urlich declined to cross-examine, so the old coot was allowed to leave the courtroom…until he decided this was a good time to get off his chest all those curses he'd been meaning to rain down upon Lina Inverse's head ever since she blew up his village. Judge Joodie didn't agree, and had him tossed into the clink with Gourry, Naga and Dragon.
    "If this keeps up, there won't be anybody left in the courtroom!" Amelia whispered to Lita.
    Judge Joodie glared at her.
    Amelia shrank into her seat with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry."
    "Good." Judge Joodie paused a moment to make sure no one else planned to act up, then, satisfied that there would be order in her courtroom (at least for now), she instructed Xellos to call his next witness.
    He turned to the courtroom with a twinkle in his eyes and a happy smirk on his lips, which made the blood of everyone present who knew him run ice cold. All of his other witnesses had just been for fun, a little warm up as it were, pre-game entertainment. Now it was time for the main event. He looked straight at Lina and was thrilled to see delicious panic in her eyes. "Your Honor, the Prosecution calls..."
    Lina's stomach clenched. Oh, dear gods, please tell me isn't going to call--
    "LINA INVERSE!"
    I should've killed him years ago.
    :: Yay! This is gonna be great! ::

    Meanwhile, down in the clink…

    "Naga the Serpent…what a strong name!"
    "Didn't I tell you? I'm the most powerful sorceress in the world!"
    "More powerful than Lina Inverse?!"
    "Lina is my sidekick! I'm the most beautiful and powerful sorceress in the world! Me! Naga the Serpent!"
    Dragon jumped up and posed. "And I am the most powerful bandit boss in the world! This is destiny!"
    Naga posed with him, one hand on her hip, the back of the other hand over her mouth. "OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!"
    He threw back his head, put his hands on his hips and joined in with a hearty: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
    On the other side of the cell, Gourry and Saman clung to each other and wept. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"
    And the sakura petals rained down as loved bloomed.
    Loudly.

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