Lina Inverse Takes the Queen of Swords to Task

        "Ok, Queen, I’ve about had it with your Urlich fetish!" Lina Inverse declared, pointing an angry finger at the writer, who was distinctly unintimidated. "Sure you’re not!"
        The writer started to get up.
        "Don’t go for a soda when I’m talking to you!"
        She sat back down.
        "That’s better. Here’s the deal: I know this story is called ‘Zelgadis On The Road’, meaning it’s main character is Zelgadis. However, I, Lina Inverse am the de facto star of any Slayers story I’m in! Slayers is all about my adventures!" She paced in cyberspace and continued to rant. "And Zel’s hardly had any lines in the last three chapters of a story that’s supposed to be about him! What’s up with that?"
        The writer realized she was actually expected to answer that one and gave it a think. "Well," she said slowly, "I’ve written a bit about what Zel’s thinking and feeling. Being Zelgadis, he doesn’t vocalize those things as you, Gourry or Amelia do. Zel’s an introvert, you’re an extrovert. He keeps his thoughts to himself, you share them with whoever’s in range."
        Lina frowned. "I guess that’s a good reason. Sort of. What about Urlich upstaging me?"
        "He isn’t upstaging you. Where do you get that he’s upstaging you?"
        The miffed sorceress tapped her boot impatiently. "If he’s not upstaging me, why did he win the duel over his stupid scarf? Huh? How come I got dumped into a fountain and caught a cold, while he only lost a scarf he paid way too much for in the first place? And another thing: When do I get my gold piece back? And why would you have me give up an entire gold piece to a guy I don’t really even like very much to pay for his stupid scarf?!"
        "Cravat."
        "WHATEVER! I want my money back!"
        Shrug. "So figure out a way to make him give you back your gold piece. Come on, you’re Lina Inverse, I’m sure you’ll think of something."
        "Don’t patronize me…"
        The writer smirked. "Wouldn’t dream of it," then she frowned. "Hey, what do you mean you don’t really even like Url? He’s an ok guy. He was being such a gent, carrying you back to the palace, then putting his coat over you to keep you warm and stoking up the fire—"
        "He just felt guilty because it was his fault I caught a cold!" Lina huffed. "You’re giving him too much attention in this story—attention better spent on the lovely and talented star: Me!"
        "I thought Zelgadis was the ‘lovely and talented’ star of this story…"
        "And he’s not getting enough attention, either!" Lina pointed her finger at the writer again with an angry snarl. "Listen, either Zel and I get more page time, or I send a fireball into a sensitive part your computer, get it?"
        "I’m running Windows 95, a fireball might actually help."
        Lina pulled back to cast said fireball, then had to concede the point. "Gee, Windows 95, huh? At least it’s not Windows 98. It’d take a Giga Slave to fix that baby. Why are you wasting your money on Microsoft, anyway?" Suddenly, she smacked her fist into her palm and exclaimed: "Ah-ha! Now I begin to understand! Windows 95, FrontPage 98, Microsoft Word 7.0… You’ll just throw money at anything, won’t you? No wonder you could write me so casually tossing my hard-earned gold at Urlich for a damn scarf!"
        The writer did not find that line of prattle amusing. "Hmmm…maybe I should have Xellos take Gourry’s form and shag you," she mused. "I could go into great detail…post it on my Yaoi/Lemon page… Wouldn’t that make the ‘Lina belongs with Xellos’ camp happy?"
        Gulp. "You wouldn’t…"
        The writer yawned and finished off her Diet Pepsi. "I haven’t written a lemon in simply ages. I think I feel inspired."
        Glare.
        Glare.
        "Ok," Lina grumbled, "name your price."
        "No nasty spells in my computer," the writer grumbled back, "and no more whining about page time—or my OS."
        "You really are giving Urlich too much attention," Lina complained, determined to get in one last lick. "You like him better than us, don’t you?"
        The writer smirked. "Don’t be silly. You’re still the brains in this outfit, as far as I’m concerned, even if Zel seems to be a frickin’ Renaissance Man in Try."
        Lina giggled. "You noticed that, too? Geez, what couldn’t he do? Zel knows guitar, Zel knows guns, Zel knows cartography, Zel knows navigation, Zel knows sailing, Zel knows safe cracking—"
        "Zel should know better than to take a cannonball to the head."
        "No kidding! But he was saving me, so it’s ok."
        The writer rolled her eyes. "Sure, sure. It’s all about you, isn’t it, Lina?"
        Lina’s eyes lit up and she clasped her hands with delight. "That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! It’s my show, so it’s all about me! You’re a little slow sometimes—"
        "Lemon…yeah, I should really write a Slayers lemon…"
        "Genius! You’re a genius! That’s what I tell all the Otaku! Read the Queen of Swords Slayers fanfiction, it’s like buttah!"
        "Don’t patronize me."
        "Eh-hehheh. Sorry." Lina sweatdropped, then brightened. "So! What’s on tap for chapter nine? Any more insights into what the hell Xellos is up to this time? I know! You’ll finally tell us how many Lara copies there are! Or who killed Lara! Oooh! Or Urlich will give me back my gold piece with interest because he just feels soooo guilty for making me catch a cold!"
        "I plan a few paragraphs devoted completely to your musings, howzat?"
        Lina grinned. "I knew you’d see things my way."
        "Ha-ha." The writer shook her empty soda can and started to get up to get a fresh one. Then she paused to scratch her head and frown at the sorceress. "You don’t think Url’s even a little bit sexy?"
        "He looks like Xellos with longer hair and a better wardrobe," Lina growled in disgust. "No, I don’t think he’s even a little bit sexy. He’s a character in a couple of your stories, Queen, snap out of it! It’s not like he’s real, or anything."
        "Xellos assumed the countenance of Gourry Gabriev and giggled darkly as he contemplated Lina’s despair when he revealed himself to her after a night of passionate—"
        "OK! OK!" Lina waved her hands in surrender. "You can write Urlich doing anything you want, even getting the hots for a snotty—er, heheh," Lina changed her tune very quickly as the Queen moved the curser toward the "new page" icon at the upper left of the screen. "I mean, of course he’d get all hot and bothered over a genius babe like you, Queen! Yessiree! A real blonde bombshell! Marilyn Monroe, move over! Lana Turner, forget about it!"
        "Lina?"
        "Yeah?"
        "I’ll see what I can do about that gold piece with interest."
        Lina grinned, the writer winked, and both women left the conversation happy. However, as she opened the fridge and pulled out another Diet Pepsi, the writer had herself a thought: "Xellos taking Gourry’s form to seduce Lina…I can work with that…"

ZOTR Menu / Chapter Nine