Fishin' With Lina and Chichiri
Author's note: Watch for innuendo and a gratuitous reference to my home State of Missouri! Best catfish on the planet (ducks as lots of people from Louisiana start throwing gumbo at her)! This story was inspired by the two pictures you see above and those annoying fishing shows I used to have to play every Saturday when I worked in small-town radio. Dues, baby, dues.
Lina: We’re on the Yangtse River today, fishing for Chinese river bass! Mmm…mmmm! I’m getting hungry just thinking about it! Hi, folks, I’m Lina Inverse, sorceress supreme—
Chichiri: And I’m Suzako Seishi Chichiri, no da! Welcome to Fishin’ with Lina and Chichiri, no da!
(Theme music, some bluegrass tune or another, played on a Chinese mandolin, maybe with a little touch of ska to make it really modern-sounding)
Announcer: (over music) Fishin’ With Lina and Chichiri…brought to you today by Mandarin Wiggle-Worms™ "life-like swimming action no bass can resist"! By Fu Long’s line of Professional bass fishing accessories! By the Ministry of Environment of the People’s Republic of China! And by Moo Shoo Marine, makers of the industry’s finest outboard motors and boats!
Chichiri: It is good fishing weather today, Lina, no da!
Lina: Any weather’s good fishin’ weather far as I’m concerned! And Yangtse River bass is a challenging fish to catch!
Chichiri: Da! It hides in the reeds and puts up a good fight, no da! I can’t wait, no da!
Lina: You said it! Folks, today we’re using Mandarin Wiggle-Worms™, with life-like swimming action no bass can resist! I’ve strung an enchanted strand of my hair on a bamboo pole, and Chichiri’s using the latest in fiberglass casting rod technology from Fu Long’s line of Professional bass fishing accessories! ‘Chiri, that’s a good-lookin’ rod you got there. How’s it’s performance.
Chichiri: This rod is the best, no da! I have been using Fu Long’s products for years, no da, and must say I’m a big fan, no da! For reliability, durability and reasonable price, it’s Fu Long’s Professional line of bass fishing products for me, no da! But fans of the show know you always use the same bamboo pole and enchanted hair, Lina, no da, but for those joining us for the first time, tell us about it, no da!
Lina: Well, Chiri-chan, I’m a sorceress with a reputation to uphold. I’ve worked with Fu Long’s products before and, like you, I’d recommend them to any non-magic-user out there—they’re the best on the market! But there’s something about using hair, bamboo, a little magic and a Mandarin Wiggle-Worm™ that makes me nostalgic for my wandering days with Gourry—he was impressed by everything I did! *Ha-ha-ha*! Guess I’m just a big show-off!
Chichiri: *Ha-ha* Well, Lina, it impresses me, no da! Let’s get fishing, no da!
Lina: While we get started, let’s break for this message from Moo Shoo Marine, the industry’s finest outboard motors and boats!
*Comercial Break*
Off camera…
Lina: You’re doing that "no da" thing, again. I told you I hate that!
Chichiri: To bad, no da! I can’t help it, no da!
Lina: Hmph! No DUH!
Chichiri: At least I am not making innuendoes about my "rod", no da!
Lina: What are you talking about, you pervert? I didn’t make any innuendoes!
Chichiri: "That’s a good-looking rod you have there. How’s its performance"? This is not innuendo, no da?
Lina: *blush* No, of course not! We were talking about fishing rods!
Chichiri: It really is the best, no da…
Lina: *blush* You perv---
Back on camera…
Lina: --fect day! Yessiree! Couldn’t ask for better! Chichiri, I think those bass are in pretty deep water.
Chichiri: They must be intimidated by my rod, no da! The Bass Bane 400, part of Fu Long’s line of Professional bass fishing accessories, no da!
Lina: *Ha-ha* Yeah, Chiri-chan, must be your…rod.
Chichiri: It’s a big rod, Lina, for the farthest cast, no matter how long the channel, no da!
Lina: HO! I think I’ve got one!
Chichiri: Looks like a big bass, Lina, no da! Don’t let him get away, no da!
Lina: Get the net! *grunt*
Chichiri: DA! That one’s a beauty, no da!
Lina: Woo-hoo! Just look at that baby! That’s good eatin’ tonight! Those bass can’t resist a Mandarin Wiggle-Worm™!
Chichiri: DA! Lina! My rod is jerking, no da! I’ve got one on the line, no da!
Lina: Looks like another big one! Hold on, Chiri-chan!
Chichiri: *grunt* DAAAAA! Whoa, no da! Look at that beautiful fish, no da!
Lina: We’ll be back with more Fishin’ With Lina and Chichiri after this message from Fu Long’s!
*commercial break*
Off camera…
Chichiri: Da, Lina! Enough innuendo!
Lina: Me, innuendo! "My rod is jerking"?! "The farthest cast, no matter how long the channel"?! Geez, ‘Chiri, get a girlfriend!
Chichiri: Will you share these beautiful fish with me tonight, Lina, no da? It would be romantic, no da! *wink* Under the stars, an open fire, good food, good company, no da! I promise to keep my rod in its case, no da!
Lina: Pervert.
Chichiri: It was a serious invitation, no da.
Lina: I don’t know…
Chichiri: I am an excellent cook, no da…
Lina: Well, ok.
On camera again…
Chichiri: We’re back, no da! It has been a great day of fishing for Yangtse Bass, no da!
Lina: It sure has! I can’t wait to cook these babies up and eat ‘em! I’m starved! See ya next time, everybody!
Chichiri: Next week on Fishin’ With Lina and Chichiri, we travel to the United States of America for Missouri Catfish, no da! Until next week, I’m Chichiri—
Lina: And I’m Lina! So long and…
Both: Good Fishing!
Chichiri: DA!
(Theme music kicks in, announcer recaps the sponsors)
Off camera…
Lina: *Heh-heh* Big rod, huh?
Chichiri: Casts the full channel, no da…
Lina: Pervert.