MuLina
by Daniel Snyder

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, intelligent, charismatic and charming (in her own mind) young woman named Lina Inverse. Lina was stuck in a backwater berg with her evil scheming older sister Luna. Lina was desperate to get out of town, hook up with a fabulously wealthy and handsome prince and start living the good life, but she wasn't going anywhere as long as Luna had anything to say about it, and as long as Luna's waitressing gig brought home the doubloons to foot the grocery bill. Lina's only hope was to get hitched to someone for money and ride the gravy train somewhere where she could marry for love.
That fateful morning Lina put on her nicest dress, dabbed makeup on her face, sucked in her gut and went to visit Martina the Mad Marriage Broker for the seventh time.

Martina: Next. Ah, Miss Inverse.
Lina: _Miz_ Lina Inverse, thank you.
Martina: Attitude problem, and still no boobs. Well. Thank you very much for stopping by.
Lina: Why, you--FIREBALL!

Twenty minutes later, back at the homestead, Lina had decided that there wouldn't _be_ an eighth time. Fate, dreary though it was, had a point-she wasn't suited to be a nice little marital slave. After sobbing her self-pitying self dopey and then attacking a few handy pieces of furniture, Lina was recovering with a hot fudge sundae and some Cool Ranch Doritos. But Fate, always whimsical, had other plans for Lina...

Front Door: knock knock knock.
Lina: Eh? Oh, fer chrissake, my ice cream's going to melt.

Nonetheless, Lina walked to the door and opened it. Outside was a swordsman, crazy enough to be Martina's husband.

Zangulus: Is this the Inverse residence?
Lina: Yuh...yes.
Zangulus: Is Pop Inverse around?
Lina: No.
Zangulus: Well when he IS around, tell him the Amazonian hordes are attacking and Emperor Philonel is drafting one man from every home to help fight. Here's the papers. I must be off.

He handed a scroll to our fair heroine and then moved on up the street. Lina stayed on the doorstep agog. She knew a good opportunity when she saw one.

Lina: Hee hee hee...all I have to do is impersonate a boy, join the Army, grab some plunder and then move to the big city! Stratosphere, here I come!

Without a second thought, she swung into action. She jotted down a little note for her sister and then raided the family gun closet. She tried on a suit of plate armor and a broadsword for size, and they made a keen ensemble. Lina pocketed "her" orders, hopped onto her faithful steed Chickendinner, and road off into the mountains above the town where she got very, very lost.

In the shrine out behind her home, the spirits of Lina's ancestors were going to pieces.

Negative Inverse: Bugger all. Lina's gone off half-cocked again.
Law of Inverse: She'll bring disgrace and ruin to our family!
Double Inverse: She'll get herself killed in some nasty prolonged fashion, like where things get stabbed into every little bit of her...
Power Inverse: Or maybe she'll blow off her responsibility, and the whole country will be destroyed!

"Quiet, all of you!" boomed a loud voice from out of the ether. It was none other than the legendary head of the clan, the mysterious Trigonometric Inverse.

TI: As I see it, our only recourse is to send Lina a spirit guardian who will tell her where the hell she is, and then see her safely back home.
LoI: Well said. I suggest we send the Golden Dragon of Duty.

On cue, the Golden Dragon herself bustled in with some nice hot mint tea and scones for everyone.

NI: I think we're better off keeping her here! *munch* No, let's send in the One-Eyed Wolf of Fury.

The One-Eyed Wolf, giggling like the maniac he was, bounded into the center of the shrine and proudly detonated all the explosives on his person at once. Though the smoke was captivating and the sound was magnificent, there wasn't much of the wolf left to follow up.

NI: I take that all back.
DI: No, we're looking at this wrong. What we need is to make love, not war. We should send in the Fish of Conviviality to tempt her back, making her think of her home and her family.
Noonza: Oh, thank you for recommending me! *smerp*
PI: Ew.
TI: Hm. It is clear to me that your intentions, at least, are wise. But your thoughts are not grand enough. So we must call...
LoI: Gasp!
NI: You don't mean...
TI: The Great Lion Dragon! For the first time in ten generations, we summon thee, All-Mighty Lion Dragon, to do our bidding!

LD: Oh great Inverse forefathers, and mothers! It is only right and just that you call upon me, the...er...greatest avatar you can summon! And...so what's up?

TI: Your task, Lion-Dragon, is to find our youngest child Lina and deliver her safely to our home.
LD: Uh, that's here, right? This house?
TI: (sweatdrop) Yes.
LD: Right! You got it! Farewell, mighty foreparents! I depart hence!

And with a display of aeronautics that can only be described as slipping off of a high place, plummeting, pulling up at the last second and beating like a bat out of hell, the Lion Dragon set forth on her mission. But once she was safely away from the Inverse compound, the Lion Dragon slowed her speed, exhausted. Unable to keep up the charade, the parts of the dragon costume fell apart revealing a tiny sprite in a snappy uniform and iridescent fairy wings.

Amelia: Oh, NO! What have I gotten myself into? I just wanted to get outside of the stupid shrine for a few minutes...and the real Lion Dragon is hitting the weed killer right now, anyway. So I put on the costume, thinking, maybe they'd send me for a dozen eggs or something. Well, OK, something more adventurous than that. I just wanted to have some fun! I haven't gotten any action or adventure since Positive Inverse got shivved...that wasn't my fault either, it was unjust for him to be cheating at cards with a bunch of drunks twice his size...he should've listened to me. No! I won't take any more of this self-pitying any longer! I have a job to do! I must bring poor Miz Lina home! Unless...maybe if I bring her home as a war heroine, everyone will see that I'm pretty good after all, and Justice will be served! Yes, that's much better! Way to go, girl!

So with a flap and a flutter, Amelia trundled off into the Heavens and in no time at all found her prodigal. Lina and Chickendinner were stranded in a pass in the Protuberant Mountains, a Northeast-Southwest running mountain chain uplifted in the Paleocene when an offshore spreading ridge opened up and became active, forcing--

Peanut Gallery: SHUT UP!

Forcing Lina to get lost in them several tens of millions of years later. And she wasn't happy.

Lina: Oh, my aching tummy...I haven't eaten since before breakfast, and lunch was AGES ago...and all the hills and mountaintops are starting to look the same...I wonder if I could eat that tree...
Amelia: Fear not, Miz Lina Inverse!
Lina: Huh? Who said that? Where are you?
Amelia: I'm over here! On this funky rock!

Which was actually a dioritic xenolith that had been eroded out of its granitic parent body. But back to the story. Lina led her horse over and saw that it was, in fact, a tiny sprite of some kind, staring up at her with wide happy eyes.

Amelia: Well met indeed, youngest of the Inverse line! I am Amelia, Freelance Fairy of the house of Inverse, and ally of all who are true and just! I have come to oversee your safety in these times of trouble!
Lina: Oh. Got any dim sum?
Amelia: Together, we shall bond together under the band of--what was that?
Lina: Or even just a couple of pickles and some crackers?
Amelia: Well, I do have this.

She pulled out a diminutive brown bag lunch with an itty-bitty ham on whole wheat, a microscopic juice in a box and a fraction of a dollop of apple sauce. Lina swallowed it all in one shot.

Amelia: Miz Lina! You--you ate it all? That's so unfair! It's unjust, and just plain-old WRONG! You should have more respect for your allies on the field of battle!
Lina: What gives with you? Did Jimminy Cricket and Sailor Moon have a love child or something?
Amelia: FREEZE ARROW!

And a very tiny portion of Lina's anatomy was turned to ice.

Lina: All right, you've got my attention now.
Amelia: That's better. Now listen. I was sent out here by the spirits of your ancestors to bring you back. The problem is, I've got some troubles with them that I've got to clear up before too much longer. What I'd really like to do is have you make a big splash in this war so that they'd let me back on their good side. So let's make a deal. I'll help you in the war as long as you at least come back home with me when we're all done.
Lina: Gee. I really don't want to have to face my sister. But if it was me being the fairy flunky, I'd want all the help I could get. All right. You've got a deal.
Amelia: Wonderful, Miz Lina! Hear me, world! This unjust invasion of our--and that's another thing, you have to stay here for my little speeches.
Lina: Aw, man.
Amelia: This unjust invasion of our homeland shall be repelled by the furious effort of Lina and Amelia! We're going to kick your big fat butt, world!

But as Lina and Amelia were to discover, it don't pay to tempt fate.

Meanwhile, in Seyruun, the preparations for war were off to a rocky start.

Philonel: Dammit! How could the Amazon hordes just dance across our borders and take over our peace-loving country so easily?
Rezo: Possibly, because we're a peace-loving country. Nobody really wanted to fight back.
Xellos: If we'd all just become hyper-aggressive sadistic maniacs like I keep telling you, none of this would have happened.
Philonel: Silence! Arguing gives me gas. General Rezo, I'm entrusting you and your subordinate to take the best of the best of our land and whip them into a real fighting force. We must repel this invasion and return the blessings of liberty and peace to our land! Is that understood?>br> Rezo and Xellos: Yes, your Highness!
Philonel: God, I love being Emperor.
Rezo and Xellos: And what a great Emperor you are, your Highness.
Philonel: Aw, gee, thanks, you're too kind.
Rezo and Xellos: We treated you to ice cream on Emperor Appreciation Day, didn't we, your Highness?
Philonel: You did. Now, go forth and begin your training. Dismissed.

Rezo and Xellos both bowed and went out into the corridor, walking swiftly out through the palace.

Rezo: Colonel Metallium, I'm counting on you to whip your lads into shape, a tight, firm fighting force. Get them all hot and bothered, ready to wrassle the enemy to the ground, chomping at the bit for a pound of flesh.
Xellos: With all do respect, sir, I think you need to get out more.
Rezo: That'll be enough out of you, Colonel. You know what to do.
Xellos: Yes sir. Just one question.
Rezo: M?
Xellos: Why am I your subordinate when I'm older, stronger, more intelligent, more charismatic, have higher magical aptitude and am all in all more devious than you?
Rezo: 'Cause you're femme, that's why.
Xellos: Oh my God. You are not serious.
Rezo: I am.
Xellos: Puh-leeze! This totally sucks.

For Lina and Amelia, danger was in the air. Things were puttering along perfectly well as they began their final decent into the boot camp:

Amelia: Haircut?
Lina: Check.
Amelia: Tight cloth around chest?
Lina: Check.
Amelia: Sock?
Lina: Check.
Amelia: Vague clueless look? Temporary tattoo? Funky smell?
Lina: Check. Check. Check.
Amelia: I can't think what we're missing, then.

But the effect of being presented with a huge group of unwashed men and a lot of ready weapons made Lina's spirits sink.

Lina: Eep!
Amelia: What is it, Miz Lina?
Lina: I don't know if I can do this. I'm getting a terrible feeling of stage fright, like everyone knows I'm an impostor.
Amelia: There's nothing at all to be worried about. Just try to blend in and find your superior officer.
Lina: Blend in, eh?

Looking for inspiration, Lina's eyes fell on the group of three who were closest to her.

Valgarv: Pull my horn!
Gourry: Okaaaay!
Valgarv's butt: *faaaart*
Valgarv: Ha ha ha ha!
Gourry: Haw haw! That's a riot! God, I wish I had a horn.
Valgarv: Feeling a little limp today?
Gourry: I already peed this morning! Haw haw haw!
Valgarv: Hah ha ha ha!
Zelgadis: If you two idiots don't shut up right now I'm going to kick you in the @$%^&.
Gourry: At least I have a @$%^& to get kicked in.
Zelgadis: Yeah, you're talking out of it.
Gourry: Shut your @$%^&, you @$%^&!
Zelgadis: Why don't you set a good example for me?
Valgarv: Eh, neither of you has any @$%^& in your %^&.
Lina: Uh, excuse me? Guys?
Zelgadis: Yeah? What is it?
Lina: (OK, they don't suspect anything so far) Who's the commander? I need to get registered.
Valgarv: What the @$%^& is your problem?

Unaware that in colloquial Guy Talk this meant, "Thanks for asking", Lina obeyed instinct and resorted to her

Lina: BRAM BLAZER!

and charred all three men, their tent, their neighbors, the cook tent, the Colonel's tent and the company rooster.

Xellos: What the @$%^& was that?
Hell Master: What the @$%^& is your problem? It was that new @$%^& over there.
Xellos: You mean that @$%^&? Hey, you @$%^&?
Lina: Eh?
Amelia: SNAP OUT OF IT QUICK, MIZ LINA! YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE! Hey, that guy over there kind of cute...
Zelgadis: Gourry, are you OK?
Gourry: Thanks, Zel. Oh, I'll be all--ah, $%^&! I bruised my @$%^&!
Xellos: Did you just bruise his @$%^&?
Lina: I--I--I--I dunno...
Gourry: Could you check?

Only Amelia's flying in front of her face to obstruct her view kept Lina from blowing her cover right there. Instead, she was able to keep her composure and announce

Lina: Looks fine to me!
Xellos: What's your name, soldier?
Lina: Inverse, sir! Uh, and here's my papers, sir!
Amelia: Did you catch that stony guy's name, Lina?
Xellos: Got a given name, Inverse?
Lina: His name is Zelgadis.
Xellos: You @$%^&, I didn't ask about his $%^& name, what's yours???
Lina: Um. Square Root Inverse.
Xellos: "Square...Root...Inverse". Is it all right if we call you "Squoot"?
Lina: Heck no.
Xellos, Zelgadis, Hell Master and Gourry: "Squoot" it is, then.
Lina: Did-didn't you guys just hear me?
Xellos: Private Squoot. This is probably your first time away from home, so let me sing you a little song about life in the army...

o/~Kiss my bare behind, Inverse,
Or you get it in the nutsack!!! o/~

"Now I want you to clean up the mess you've made," he said as he walked off towards the cooking tent, "and THEN you're responsible for making up all the training you've missed. After that, report to my tent and we'll talk about punishment."

Lina's heart sank. She realized then that she would have to earn her place on the force. It would not be a simple trip home.

Valgarv: Sucks to be you, Squoot.
Zelgadis: Yes. I would hate to be you right now.
Gourry: Are you sure my @$%^& isn't bruised?
Lina: Er, positive. Now I have to get to work.

On the periphery of the magical land, two disposable members of the cast were in a panic. Out of the morning mist came an undulant horde of Amazon warriors, dressed in atrocious pseudo-SM-Goth garb and cackling like so many crows on Ritalin.

Amazons: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Dilgear: Yoiks!
Phibrizo: We're surrounded!
Naga: Halt!

With many a bounce and jiggle the enormous horde ground (ha-ha-ha) to a stop. Not a quiet one, there was still plenty of cackling from the back.

Naga: Servants of the weak Emperor Philonel! Beware ye! I am Naga the White Serpent, Queen of the Amazonian Horde of Myself, and the greatest sorceress the world has ever seen!
Horde: BUT ONLY JUST BARELY!
Phibrizo: No!
Dilgear: Say it ain't so!
Naga: So it is. Watch.

And she unceremoniously turned Phibrizo into a blue duffel bag filled with gravel.

Horde: Ooo! *clap clap clap*
Naga: Aw, gee, thanks, you're too kind. Ice cream's on me for Horde Appreciation Day.
Dilgear: Yaaa...yaaa...yaaa...
Naga: Now listen to me, you sniveling little toad. Tell your so-called Emperor that it's just a matter of time before his kingdom is trodden under my foot. He'd best come quietly or...excuse me? My eyes are up here.
Dilgear: Eh?
Naga: For Pete's sake, this is getting nowhere. FIREBALL!

Meanwhile, back in camp, Lina's quality of life was steadily shrinking. The rations she was wolfing down were barely enough to keep her going, let alone fill her body. She was being picked on mercilessly by her bootmates, all of whom (it seemed) could do everything better than she. Two full weeks of KP duty was the only thing that kept her temper in check anymore. The final straw came one Thursday night.

Lina: No, no, no, no, no. I am NOT GOING TO PEE OUT ANY DAMNED CAMPFIRE! I have had it with this craziness.
Amelia: Miz Lina, hang in there. Have I told you yet how much I admire you? You've been in boot camp over a month, and you've still got your secret, you're stronger than you've ever been.
Lina: Whatever. Erg! I am SO wound up. I'm going to take a bath in the creek. Can you tell me if anyone gets close?
Amelia: Miz Lina...
Lina: Oh, and hide these clothes. Honestly, Amelia, it's not that much to ask. People think I'm crazy as it is because I'm always saying, "No, Mr. Zelgadis likes his privacy" and "No, leaving valentines for Mr. Zelgadis out of season isn't kosher". OOOOOWeee, is that cold!
Amelia: Miz Lina..
Lina: I'll be fine. Amelia, you've helped me get through a lot here at camp, but right now I just need a little, straightforward advice. So. Just give me the word if someone comes over...
Amelia: BUT WHAT IF THERE'S ALREADY SOMEONE IN THE CREEK!
Gourry: Oh, hi there, Squoot.

Lina froze on the outside and grew very, very hot on the inside.

Gourry: Hey, do you mind not crowding me and my rubber ducky here? I finally found a place that was out of the current and...waitaminnit...
Lina: Eep.
Gourry: Squoot, you...you haven't got a pee-pee.
Lina: Eep.
Gourry: Let me think here. If you haven't got a pee-pee...then that means...oh my gosh, you're a boy without a pee-pee! Oh, Squoot, that explains everything! Why you run so funny! Why you don't give guys wedgies! Man alive, Squoot, high school must have been hell, with the whole locker room thing.
Lina: Eh. Yeah. Yeah. Gourry, you know, you don't have to give me a reassurance hug, I'm used to it by now.
Gourry: Oh. Sorry.

They both sat down very quickly in the waist-deep water.

Gourry: It's just that, well, I feel your pain. I have a little bit of a secret.

Lina: Eh?
Gourry: I...gosh, this is hard to admit...I'm a virgin.
Lina: Eh?
Amelia: And what's so bad about being a virgin, eh?
Lina: (Uh, right! Thanks) And what's so bad about being a virgin, eh?
Gourry: Oh, you know. I guess it isn't so bad, but all the guys who've found out--but you--have given me a bad time. See, my problem is, I try and get close to a girl, and then I say something stupid, and she won't have anything to do with me. Doggonit! What can I do about being stupid? Just wish myself smarter? It's a curse.
Zelgadis: I feel your pain.

Sometime while Gourry was telling his tale of woe, Zelgadis had joined them unawares.

Zelgadis: I have a little bit of a secret. You see my skin? It's actually made of stone. Observe.

He picked up a sandstone rock from the streambed and idly crushed it in one hand.

Gourry: Oo.
Zelgadis: Yes, well...I'm now so powerful. But I can't feel anything with this skin. I do not know touch, I do not know warmth. I stand in a fire and it takes me minutes before I can feel the heat. I once played the guitar to amuse myself, and now I can barely feel the strings and frets.
Lina: How did that happen?
Zelgadis: I was taken advantage of...a cruel man promised me power. And giving me a body part golem and part demon was his gift. Now, I travel the lands looking for a cure.
Valgarv: At least you have a chance to be cured. My curse is my birthright.

Sometime while Zelgadis was telling his tale of woe, Valgarv had joined them unawares.

Valgarv: You see this horn on my head?
Zelgadis: Yes.
Gourry: No.
Valgarv: This horn, dimwit.
Gourry: Oh, THAT horn. I thought that was your hair.
Valgarv: I'll get you for that. You see, this horn is a mark I made with my former master. I have a little bit of a secret. I was, and am, a member of a race of dragons who were almost totally killed off by a rival race. To live, I pledged my allegiance to a man named Garv...and now, I have this horn as a mark of who I am and what I have become.
Xellos: Still, it could be worse, couldn't it?

Sometime while Valgarv was telling his tale of woe, Xellos had joined them unawares.

Xellos: I have a little bit of a secret.
Zelgadis: And what might that be, sir?
Xellos: It's a secret!
Valgarv: Sir, with all due respect, you're a bit of a fruitcake.
Xellos: So it has been remarked. How did this dish session begin, anyway?
Gourry: Oh, I know that! Squoot told me this terrible secret about himself.
Valgarv: What might that be?
Gourry: I forget. Anyone see my rubber ducky?

Lina and Amelia had long since made their escape and were crawling through the grass away from the river. Well, technically, it was a kind of rush. The way you can tell a grass from a rush and a rush from a sedge in an estuarine environment is--

Peanut Gallery: SHUT UP!

Is tricky. Which is how Amelia and Lina might describe their escape.

Amelia: Oh, thank our ancestors for buttheads.
Lina: Better start by thanking HIS ancestors. Gods! I thought I was going to DIE of embarrassment, or worse!
Amelia: Well, you're back, safe and sound now, Miz Lina. Nothing to be worried about.
Lina: Yeah. But THAT was too much. I am NEVER taking a bath AGAIN, not until we're out of camp. I don't want to see another naked body any time soon, thank you very much.
Amelia: Miz Lina? You're smirking.
Lina: I am not!
Amelia: Are too!
Lina: Am not!
Amelia: Are so!

And it went back and forth like that for some time.

That next morning, Colonel Xellos had an important announcement for the company.

Xellos: Yo!
Everyone else: Good Morning, Colonel Xellos.
Xellos: (I wish these guys would hang loose a little more.) Trouble on the horizon, everyone. I've just been told that the Amazonian Hordes are knocking at the door a small town over yon mountain range. We set forth this afternoon for the frontier.
Everyone else: Mumble grumble whisper gossip.
Xellos: Silence! Between now and then I want your fires extinguished, your tents and arms packed up, the cook's tent and latrines loaded and the spittoons emptied into the river. By gum, if we can't be having fun with this war, nobody can.
Everyone else: Yes sir!
Xellos: God, I love being Colonel around here.
Everyone else: Figures.
Xellos: And so much for that running gag. Dismissed.

With that, Amelia and Lina went back to their tent. Lina made fast work of breaking down her tent and loading up Chickendinner's saddle bags.

Amelia: Well, here it is, Miz Lina! The beginning of our real adventure.
Lina: Yes, but...I don't know. I've got butterflies in my stomach.
Amelia: That's what you get for eating camp food after dark...
Lina: No, I mean, I'm nervous. This a real life-threatening situation here, and...I don't know. I'm worried that all the training hasn't been enough. I could get hurt. I could die.
Xellos: Talking to yourself again, Squoot?
Lina: Uh, yes! Yes, sir, Colonel! Just trying to steady my nerves, sir!
Xellos: Well, don't worry, soldier.

He gave her an affectionate pat on the shoulder.

Xellos: I've been impressed with your turnaround, Inverse. When you showed up, you were as green as they come. Now, through your hard work and diligence, you've become one of the strongest, fastest, most efficient men in the company. You should be damn proud of yourself.
Lina: Oh, my...th-thank you very much, sir!
Xellos: And, since you seem to be ready before everyone else, would you help Gabriev? He seems to have got his bow stuck up his nose again.
Lina: Again? Heck.

By mid-afternoon they were out of camp and climbing through the mountains. The air became thin and crisp, and people bundled up for the cold. The settlements became fewer and far between. Lina grew more and more irate.

Zelgadis: Squoot, are you all right? You're grinding your teeth like I've never seen anyone do before.
Lina: I've...just...got...a...very...annoying...song...running...through...my... head...that's...all.

Which was easier than saying, "The pixie on my saddlebag that only I can see won't shut up."

Amelia: "Country roads, take me home, to the place, I belong! West Virginia! Mountain mama!"
Lina: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Xellos: Halt!

He glanced around at the hills around the pass, then levitated up above the line to speak.

Xellos: Something's wrong. There should have been a messenger from the army here to meet us. We'll proceed carefully on foot now.
Shabranigdo: Wouldn't it make more sense to levitate us up over the ridge to a safe uphill location?
Xellos: Never question a plot device. *zap*
Zelgadis: So much for another expendable cast member.

They crossed over the hill, and were presented with a truly horrific sight. The tents of the army that had been there the day before were all burned. The bodies of the dead lay strewn about with ghastly looks on their faces. Loot had been pillaged and food squirreled away.

Valgarv: Oh, my @$%^&. Look, General Rezo's body is all over the place here.
Lina: And here.
Zelgadis: And here. And over there, too.
Gourry: Ouch! That must have been some @$%^& accident.
Xellos: No, there really are about seven or eight copies of him.
Zelgadis: Half a moment here! If an army lead by eight copies of our greatest military mind got wiped across the field of battle...
Xellos: ...then what happened to the town they were defending?
Lina: Come on! Come on!

The vanguard ran as quickly as their legs could propel them. Too early for the shock, they saw the black smoke billowing up into the midday sky.

Zelgadis: ...Gods.

The town was in an utter shambles. Nothing on the entire plain rose over knee height, the snow's depth. The war party fanned out to look for clues, survivors...anything. Anything to help them get their minds back in order again.

Amelia: Miz Lina...this is terrible!
Lina: Terrible doesn't even begin to describe it. Look. Look at this! This is all ash and building stone. It's like the whole house was caved in and then burned.
Amelia: And look at that. I can't even tell if that's a doghouse, or a person's body, or what. It's just a solid block of ash.
Lina: This horde is horrible. How will we ever--eh?

A man's scream had carried through the air. Lina saw that it was Gourry, only a little down the street from where she stood. Gourry's eyes were fastened on something in one of the ruined buildings.

Lina: Gourry! Gourry, what's the matter?
Gourry: That...that...

He pointed, and Lina followed his finger. In one corner of the building, scorched but recognizable, was a young girl's rag doll.

Gourry: There were real people in this village, weren't there, Squoot? Real people...real little girls...who played with dolls, played games...oh--

He slumped onto her shoulder and began crying openly. Lina was struck dumb.

Amelia: Miz Lina...
Lina: Shush.

She gently put an arm, as best as she could, across his broad shoulders.

Lina: There, there, Gourry. There's nothing we can do to bring these people back to life. All we can do now is keep their memories. Right?
Gourry: *sniffle*
Lina: You've got to be brave. There are people out there who want us to see this, and be scared. We can't let them do that to these people. We can't let them be used. We need to avenge their deaths and save everyone who we _can_ save. Right?
Gourry: Yeah. *sniffle* You're right. @$%^&, Squoot. You're the best friend a guy could ever have.
Lina: Thanks, Gourry.
Gourry: Squoot...
Lina: Yeah?
Gourry: I'm getting chubby. I'm not gay, am I?
Lina: WHAT? YOU @$%^&! You &%$*, )*$#*!

And she unceremoniously pounded him into a pulp.

Zelgadis: I've never heard Squoot use language like that before.
Amelia: She's really become a man, hasn't she?
Zelgadis: Eh?
Amelia: Uh, nothing.
Zelgadis: I could swear that I'm losing my mind here...
Xellos: Company! FALL IN!

In the space of a few seconds the members of the party had come together before the Colonel.

Xellos: It's no good. There's nothing that can be done here until our reconnaissance has told us where the hordes have got to. Until then, I suggest we head up to Sudden Death Pass, just east of Precarious Mountain, and camp beneath Sitting Duck Snowfield.
Lina: Uh...
Xellos: Yes, Inverse?
Valgarv: Remember the disposable members of the cast, Squoot.
Lina: Nothing. I was about to sneeze, sir.
Xellos: All righty, then. Let's go.

They turned their backs on the dead and blasted city and climbed up the mountainside to a flat space suspiciously below a massive snowbank. There they made camp for the night. Fires were started, and the company to a man (and woman) huddled around them for warmth. The twin demons of cold and death had killed their spirits. Morale was low. Nobody cooked S'mores. Knock-knock jokes were few and far between. Colonel Xellos wandered from campfire to campfire, encouraging the soldiers with brave words, but it did little to liven the mood.

The next morning rose under an overcast sky. Lina shuddered and shivered under a thin blanket; Chickendinner, her stalwart animal companion, deserved the bigger one, she had decided.

Amelia: Have a little more tea, Miz Lina.
Lina: Thanks, Amelia. You've been a real friend to me these past few weeks.
Amelia: Eh, it's nothing. You're the one doing all the work.
Lina: All the work? Who kept me awake all night so I wouldn't slack off on detail?

Amelia laughed; but then she pricked up her ears and looked nervously up at the horizon.

Amelia: Miz Lina...there's someone coming. A...a lot of someones.
Lina: What? Where?
Amelia: It sounds like they're about a kilometer away.
Lina: Omigosh. This could be dangerous. Colonel! Colonel Xellos, sir!
Xellos: Right here, Inverse. What's gotten into you?
Lina: Sir, a little bird told me...
Amelia: Hmph!
Lina:...that there's someone about a kilometer away from here. A lot of someones.
Xellos: (giggle) You can't be serious, Inverse.
Lina: All right. I'll make you a bet. Get the rest of the troops to an ambush point, and leave just a few fighters here to wait. I'll bet you that they'll show up within fifteen minutes, or I'll cook breakfast for everyone. Everyone.
Xellos: Everyone, eh? Well, I hope you have the rations to cover your rear end. Valgarv, Greywers and Gabriev will stay here...and I will too.
Lina: Deal.

They shook on it; and then Colonel Xellos gave orders to march to Wouldn't This Be A Great Ambush Point Point. Lina, Valgarv, Zelgadis, Gourry and Xellos himself remained.

Zelgadis: Are you sure about this, Squoot?
Lina: I'm positive.
Valgarv: He's gone off his rocker.
Gourry: Eh, I believe ol' Squoot.
Xellos: (giggle)

And at that very instant, the author ran out of plot devices.

Amelia: Look there!
Zelgadis: I am going crazy--Oh, @$%^&!!!!!

The Amazonian horde came into view on top of the snowfield. The flash of their swords was blinding. The flutter of their cackling war whoop was massive. The undulation of their bosoms was baffling to describe.

Horde: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

An instant of terror passed through the small group. And then.

Xellos: For General Rezo!
Gourry: For that little girl!
Zelgadis: For the safety of our nation!
Valgarv: For the glory of the ages!
Lina: For my ass! Darkness beyond twilight...
Zelgadis, Xellos and Valgarv: AUUUGH!
Gourry: Uh...what's the panic?
Zelgadis: JUSTDUCKANDCOVERANDI'LLEXPLAINITLATER!

By the time Lina mumbled the final syllables of her spell, the hordes had charged; and it was far too late. The magical pulse of the Dragon Slave flew into the snowbank. The force of the spell threw 90 percent of the horde into the air, never to be seen again. Many were boiled alive as snow melted into steam. And many were enveloped in the avalanche that followed...

Lina: There! What did I tell ya, sir?
Zelgadis: RUN! RUN! RUN!
Gourry: Yipe!
Xellos: Faster, faster, faster...
Valgarv: Book book book book!
Lina: Eh, is there something wrong? Hello? Um...

And she looked behind her just in time to be hit by the snow/slush concoction that washed down from the mountaintops above. Lina fought her way to the surface, gasping for breath--the force of the wave, and the terror of the loss of herself, had knocked the wind out of her. She came up crying in fear.

Amelia: Miz Lina! SWIM ELEVEN O'CLOCK!
Lina: Ah...ah...ah...

In her innermost heart, where she thought she hadn't a drop more strength to carry her, Lina found the drive to take control. Riding with the current, she swam slightly to her left. But her eyes were closed with tears and stinging snow, and before she knew it...

Lina: AAAAAAA!
Amelia: Miz Lina! Are you OK?
Lina: Ah...ah...my shoulder...
Amelia: Miz Lina, you're bleeding, are you all right?
Lina: What...where am I?
Amelia: You're on top of a tree. I saw a dead tree up ahead of you, and I hoped it would hold. I guess it did.
Lina: I'm...*sob* I'm safe. Amelia, I could hug you, you just saved my life. *Sob* I don't think I'll be able to thank you enough, ever.
Amelia: Gee...

"Inverse! To your right!" someone shouted. Lina blindly stuck out her arm; a moment later, a hand clasped her on her wrist. Lina pulled as hard as she was able. She could barely keep her grip on the dead tree. Then she felt Xellos' arm on her elbow. She forced her eyes open as he clamped onto her shoulder. The look on his face was one of the sheer animal desire to live. Lina slipped her arm under his right arm and pulled him around. There was Zelgadis, with that same drive painted on his face; and Gourry, and Valgarv, all linked arm to arm. She pulled, and she pulled, and then all five were clutching the driftwood for dear life.

Xellos: Inverse...
Lina: Yuh...yes, sir?
Xellos: You...just saved my life...and all of ours. In one effort. I just...I don't even have the words. You're our hero, through and through.

The words made no sense in her clouded mind.

Lina: Sir...
Xellos: Yes, Inverse?
Lina: I'm blacking out, sir.

When she came to, she felt warmer, though still clammy. There was no wind, and the sky above her was dark. She felt alone, though she couldn't see well enough to be sure.

Lina: Where am I?

She struggled upright and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She was in some kind of a tent. A medical tent, by the bandages and salves in the corner. Lina touched her shoulder. She could feel some bandages and a compress on the top of her ribcage.

Lina: Huh. They must not have been able to cast a healing spell. Well, I'll do it here in a minute.
Xellos: Inverse? Is that you?
Lina: Eh?

Xellos burst into the tent uninvited.

Xellos: Ah, Inverse! I'm glad to see you're awake now. Every soldier in our...eh? Inverse, why are you holding that blanket over your nipples?
Lina: Eep.
Xellos: Wait. You can't be ashamed of your nipples. Unless...
Lina: Eep!
Xellos: You're actually a girl! Inverse, who the hell are you?
Lina: Wait! Wait! I can explain. I really am from the Inverse clan, my name's Lina. I just wanted to get outside my home...
Xellos: Inverse...HOW COULD YOU BETRAY US? How could you knowingly sneak into my army, impersonate a man, and go waltzing around the countryside? Get out! Get out of this tent, and get out of this regiment!
Lina: But I'm as strong as any man! And I just saved...
Xellos: That doesn't matter! Out! Out!

Lina was thrust out into the settling snowfield, clutching at the blanket for what little warmth and modesty it offered. All around her, once kind eyes were becoming hostile.

Valgarv: What nerve!
Zelgadis: What an embarrassment.
Gourry: What's going on again?
Zelgadis and Valgarv: WHAT THE @$%^& IS YOUR PROBLEM???/p>

The stalwart fairy had led Chickendinner through the ever-more-unmerciful crowd. Lina could barely hold back her tears as she mounted and rode off into the hills.

Amelia: There, there, Miz Lina.
Lina: How could they do that to me? How could they make fun of me because I'm a woman, even though I'm the one who just saved their lives? It isn't right! It isn't fair! It isn't...it isn't...
Amelia: Just? It isn't just?
Lina: It ISN'T! And just when I thought I would be able to hold my head up high and tell the Emperor that the Empire was safe, it all gets stolen from me! This whole story has been way too serious since the Amazonian hordes showed up.
Amelia: Well...you did your best. And even if they're ungrateful, you did save the necks of your fellow soldiers. You can go home with your head held high.
Lina: Yeah. I suppose. Home. Boy, I'd like to be home right now. With a nice bubbly bed and a nice soft bath.
Amelia: It's decided then! Here we come, oh earnest forefathers of the--MMMph!
Lina: shhshhshhbeverrrryverrryquietlookitoverthere...

Across the valley, opposite from where Lina and Amelia sat, could be seen a solitary figure fuming on an irate horse. Lina recognized her immediately.

Lina: That's none other than Naga the White Serpent! Leader of the Amazonian horde! She must've survived somehow! Holy kermolie, the whole empire is still in danger!
Amelia: But Miz Lina...what can only you do?
Lina: I'm going to try telling the boys. If that doesn't work, I'll tell Emperor Philonel himself. If that doesn't work, then I've done my best and we'll go home. And to ppth with this place.
Amelia: All right, girlfriend! Let's rock the house!

As Amelia gave a speech for their benefit, Lina and Chickendinner picked their way down the mountainside towards the Royal City, where a parade was held for the victors. But arriving in safety and delivering the message were two very different things indeed.

Lina: Colonel Xellos! Listen to me! There's an emergency!
Xellos: Hmph!
Lina: Fine, be that way. Zelgadis! We're in trouble!
Zelgadis: Don't bother me. I don't want to hear about it from you.
Lina: OK. Um, Valgarv, listen to me! The Amazonian hordes are still a threat!
Valgarv: Lina, if that really is your name...I just can't trust you any more.
Lina: Hell! Gourry, listen! Gourry!
Gourry: Dammit, what is with this cheese? I paid good money for it, and it's got holes in it! I'm not paying for any stupid holes in my cheese. To heck with it.

Lina froze in her tracks, watching hope slip away and failure wax in its place.

Lina: Aw...comic relief, right now...how could he do that to me...*sniff* I want some dim sum. I'm hungry. NO, now I'm doing the comic relief! *sniffle*
Amelia: Come now, Miz Lina! It's not over yet! Emperor Philonel will listen to you!
Lina: *gulp* Yeah. Yeah! I've come all this way, I can't get hungry just yet.

o/~Kiss my bare behind, Stomach,
Or you get it in the nutsack!!! o/~

So Amelia and Lina slipped into the royal palace through the Western Conveniently Unguarded Gate. From the standing room, they watched the drama of the Presentation of Honors taking place before them:

Philonel: Come forward General Xellos! Or, in this case, a specific Xellos.
Xellos: You're too funny, sir!
Philonel: General Xellos, are the Amazonian hordes wiped off the face of the Earth?
Xellos: Ya sure you betcha, sir!
Philonel: And who among your number do we have to thank for this great fortune?
Xellos: Well...that's a secret, sir!
Philonel: Tell me, or I'll have you in thumbscrews before you can say the word "pacifism".
Xellos: Er, well, that is...it's like this.
Voice from Afar: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO!

Hearts all through the palace leaped in terror, and eyes turned towards the front gate. Standing on its apex was a woman so horribly over-reacting, it could only be...

Philonel: Naga the White Serpent!
Xellos: Ooh, bother.
Naga: You are doomed, doomed, Philonel! I shall seize your power with the help of my all-powerful magics, and kill you all in the process! And maybe even myself, too, 'cause that's the kind of diabolical nuthatch I am! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Amelia: No! We're too late!
Lina: Heh heh heh...not while I've still got boy's clothing on we're not.

In a flash, she had leapt up to the front gate. Calmly, she stepped in front of Naga and raised her voice to say:

Lina: Nothing to see here, folks. It's just a hysterical woman. Crowd: Oh.
Philonel: Why, so it is.
Naga: Wait! How dare you!
Lina: You know how screwy chicks can be, folks.
Crowd: Uh-huh.
Valgarv: Probably _that_ time of the month.
Naga: Shut up! Shut up! I am woman! Here me roar! Look! I've brought along a horrendous amount of weapons! I've got long and complex battle plans drawn up! I've even brought a few dozen signed copies of my forthcoming book, "How I Sacked the Empire by Naga the White Serpent". See? So you see, Philonel, I am very much a threat to your empire and your bodily health!!!
Philonel: In that case, arrest her at once!
Naga: Oh, crap.

Before she could say, "Waiter, check please," she was tied up in the stoutest rope with a blindfold over her eyes and an apple in her mouth.

Lina: Wow, did she walk into that one.
Philonel: Indeed she did! And what might your name be, my lady?
Lina: Inverse, your Excellency. Lina Inverse.
Philonel: Well, I should say we've all learned a lesson today. Women's rights will never be achieved by hostility. It's only when men and women work together that we will achieve equality.
Lina: Damn straight!
Crowd: Hurrah!
Philonel: Lina Inverse, you have the thanks and the gratitude of a nation. Let me add to that a fat monetary reward and free bowling for life at my Royal Bowl-o-Rama.
Lina: Thank you very much, your Excellency...but I must go now. I--I ran away from home and my big sister to join the army without so much as a goodbye, and I need to let her know what's become of me.
Philonel: Then go in peace then! And Inverse!
Lina: Yes, your Excellency!
Philonel: I'll be looking out for you!

And she rode out of the Royal Palace to the cheering of the grateful crowds.

Philonel: Inverse, eh? Hm. *ahem* Boy, I wish I was about thirty years younger and a commoner...that's the kind of girl I could fall head over heels in love with.
Gourry, Zelgadis, Valgarv and Xellos: Hm...

An hour later, Lina, Amelia and Chickendinner arrived back at Chez Inverse, the most famous inverse product of them all. While Lina parked Chickendinner in the barn, Amelia checked in at the shrine.

Trigonometric Inverse: OK. So you trampled the rules, flaunted your authority, damn near got our daughter killed and you've come back for your reward?
Amelia: Yep! Am I good or what?
Law of Inverse: Well, she has a point.
Negative Inverse: After all, we can't have this fanfic have an unhappy ending.
Double Inverse: Maybe we could grant her a wish?
Amelia: Sounds good to me! I wish...for two wishes!
TI: Hey, didn't you see Aladdin? That's not how it works!
Amelia: Lemme 'splain...

Meanwhile, Lina trundled in the front door, hung up her armor in the front closet and shouted:

Lina: Sis! I'm home! Eh, what's this? A note. "Dear Lina--I heard you saved all our lives and the emperor rewarded you handsomely, so I'm not worried about your putting the ice cream away next time you go off to war. Good job. Luna. PS--I hope you found a boyfriend." Oh, no! How is it that every time I screw up even the teensiest bit she manages to get my goat!!!
Front door: Knock knock knock.
Lina: Be there in a minute! (let me put this bathrobe on so I look presentable) Hello?
Xellos: Is...er...
Valgarv: Is this the...
Zelgadis: Is this the...ah...Inverse residence?
Gourry: Does Lina live here?

"Ah-ha!" thought Lina. "They're not used to seeing me out of uniform, so they don't recognize me! Well, I'll find out what this is all about soon enough!"

Lina: Yes...can I help you with something?
Xellos: Ulp. Never mind.
Valgarv: Forget about it.
Zelgadis: I never should have come.

However, if, as they say, discretion is the better part of valor, then stupidity must be the better part of courage.

Gourry: Well, I wanted to congratulate her, and I was hoping she'd have lunch with me. I brought a deep-dish pizza.
Lina's Stomach: *groooooowl*
Lina: Ah! A deep dish pizza, you say! Well, step inside, I'll see if I can find her! *yank*
Gourry: Whoa!
Front door: *SLAM!*
Xellos: Wait a minute.
Valgarv: That was...her?
Zelgadis: I'm such an IDIOT!

And he tried to vent his frustration by slamming his forehead into a convenient tree. But he was so used to his chimeral body that he didn't notice its sudden disappearance.

Little birds around Zelgadis' head: Tweet-tweet-tweety-twee.
Zelgadis: Oy. Nighty-night.

In that precious moment before he could collapse unconscious, he was snatched to safety by a much larger, much much more visible young fairy whose hormones had suddenly kicked in.

Amelia: I got one! I got one! Wa-hooo!

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