Lina Inverse and her companions Gourry, Amelia and Zelgadis are walking down a road in the middle of nowhere on a quest. Zelgadis thinks they’re questing for a cure, a way to turn him back into a human. Lina thinks they’re questing for an all-you-can-eat for a silver piece restaurant. Amelia thinks they’re on a crusade to bring justice to the whole, wide world. Gourry doesn’t actually think, as such, so he’s just tagging along for lack of anything more interesting to do.

Gourry: So, Lina, what’s the plan for today?
Amelia: To seek out evil and destroy it!
Zelgadis: We’re looking for a way to turn me back into a human!
Lina: He wasn’t asking either of you! *ahem* We’re on the road, looking for adventure, treasure and haute cuisine!
Gourry: So, same as yesterday, then?
Lina: Uh…yeah.
Zelgadis: How unimaginative. Don’t you ever think of anything else, Lina? We’re always trying to pad either your pockets, your stomach or both.
Amelia: Yeah, Miss Lina! You’re such a glutton!

Lina stops in the middle of the road and turns to face her critics as music begins in the background (My Favorite Things, from The Sound of Music). Hands on hips, she starts to sing:

Lina: Fireballs and flare arrows burning so brightly!
                Dil brands and diem wings, freeze arrows excite me!
                Dragon Slave, Giga Slave, magical rings!
                These are a few of my favorite things!

                Hot ten-course dinners, deserts by the tonnage!
                Chicken and pot roast and ice cream—so yummy!
                Chowing and scarfing, my face to be stuffing
                These are a few of my favorite things!

                Killing bandits!
                Scoring treasure!
                Getting all you can eat!
                When I imagine my favorite things,
                Then I just feel so neat!

Zelgadis: Well, I’m glad somebody’s happy…
Lina: Aw, Zel, don’t be such a party pooper! While we’re on our usual quest for food, fun and buckets of money, we might just come across your cure! In fact, I can assure you that your predicament is near and dear to my heart, Zelgadis, since our friendship is eternal!
Amelia: Hey! That’s my line!

Lina pulls out the script and flips to the appropriate page, scans it, blushes at Amelia and puts it back into a pocket in her cape.

Lina: Oops. Sorry, Amelia. Won’t happen again.
Gourry: Sure it won’t. You’re always hogging the spotlight, Lina! You’d think this show was the story of the adventures of Lina Inverse, Sorceress Supreme and nobody else!
Lina: It is the story of my adventures. You guys are my supporting players.
Zelgadis: Your story isn’t as interesting as mine. Hmph! My story has emotional conflict, foolish actions punished by dire consequences, and real human drama as I embark on what seems like a hopeless quest, with none but a fireball-happy sorceress, a justice-freak Princess and a mush-for-brains swordsman to help me!
Gourry: Wow! He said that whole thing without taking a breath! That’s amazing, Zel! So, who’s the mush-for-brains swordsman?

Everybody groans.

Amelia: Foolish actions punished by dire consequences…hmmm… In that light, Rezo turning you into a chimera for wanting unlimited power without having to work for it sounds pretty darn just. It serves you right, Mr. Zelgadis. That’ll teach you to be so greedy!
Gourry: Now, if we could just teach Lina…OW!
Lina: That’ll teach you, mush-for-brains!
Zelgadis: ARE YOU GUYS EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!
Gourry: Sure, Zel. You said you deserved what you got. Right?
Zelgadis: Actually, Amelia said that…
Amelia: Well, it’s true, isn’t it?
Zelgadis: I don’t think so! I was just doing my job as Rezo’s apprentice—
Lina: That’s not what you told me.
Zelgadis: Will you please let me finish?!

The music starts (Woodstock, as performed by Crosby, Stills and Nash), and Zel pours out his story in song:

Zelgadis: Well I gave it all to my grampaw
                        He was seeking a cure for blindness, yeah
                        He tried all that black magic, white and shaman
                        He said I need the Philosopher Stone
                        Gonna raise me a scary Dark Lord
                        And if you help me, Zel, I’ll give you power

                        I’m a golem
                        I’m a demon
                        I’ve got skin that’s blue and rocky
                        And I’ve got to get a spell to make me human.

Lina: So, you didn’t ask for the power, he offered it to you, is that what you’re trying to make us believe? C’mon, Zel, you told me it was the other way around! Quit pulling our legs!
Gourry: Yeah, Zel, how dumb do you think we are?
Amelia: Well, if it’s you…pretty doggone…

Music again, this time it’s Do-Re-Mi from The Sound of Music.

Lina:        Dumb!
Amelia:        A swordsman dead of brain!
Zelgadis: Small!
Gourry:        The breasts on Lina’s chest!
Lina:        Dead!
Zelgadis: You’ll be for saying that!
Amelia:        Fried!
Zelgadis: By Lina’s Dragon Slave!
Lina:        Oops!
Gourry:        She burned all of her friends!
Lina:        Crap!
Amelia:        The treasure’s burnt up, too!
Lina:        Shit!
Gourry:        Our dinner’s turned to ash!
Zelgadis: Which brings us back to DUMB!

Rezo appears in the middle of the road, brining our heroes up short. He jingles his staff to make sure they’re listening, then with a little smirk, he declares:

Rezo: I’m afraid Zelgadis has the story all wrong, just as you surmised, Lina Inverse. You see, like Zelgadis, I’m a much deeper character than you, filled with conflict and needs that bring drama and pathos to the story in ways your shallow gluttony never could.
Lina: What is this? Dis Lina Day? If you have a point to make, Red Boy, make it fast. I’m hungry, tired and cranky!
Zelgadis: Gee, that would never happen…
Lina: Whose side are you on?!
Rezo: Lina, what color am I wearing?
Lina: Duh! Red! That’s why they call you the Red Priest. Why?
Rezo: I can’t see what color I’m wearing. I used to wake up every morning worrying that my servants might have switched my usual garb for something…green, or purple. So I killed them all…all but Zelgadis. I could always count on Zel not to dress me funny.

Everybody looks at Zelgadis, whose face is exactly the shade in question.

Amelia: You dressed him?
Lina: Ew!
Gourry: I had no idea you were like that, Zel.
Zelgadis: I’m not ‘like that’, you moron! He’s my grandfather, and I was just being a dutiful grandson—and see where it got me!
Rezo: Ah, but I can’t see where it got you, Zelgadis. That’s my point.

Music again: Sammy Hagar’s "Red" (apropos, yes?) Rezo keeps time by jingling his staff.

Rezo: I’d see the world but I’m too blind
                The specturm maybe I would like
                Shabranigdo failed me
                That copy, he did, too

                I wear RED! RED!
                Robes of red!
                Green ain’t mean compared to red!
                RED! Wearin’ red!
                Some opt for black
                But I prefer red!

Lina: I thought you were going to sing us your side of Zel’s story! Who cares what color you like to wear? It’s obvious you love red like Amelia loves to make dorky speeches and fall out of trees!
Amelia: I don’t actually like to fall out of trees, Miss Lina, it just sort of happens.
Rezo: Hey, I’m just following the script, ok? I’m lucky to have a part, since you killed me back in episode seven!
Lina: Geez! You’re still sore about that?
Rezo: I’M DEAD!
Gourry: Dead! Dead! He’s so dead!
                While we’re still alive
                He’s so dead!

Gourry gets beat up by Rezo and Lina.

Zelgadis: I don’t what your gripe is, Rezo. Seems to me you could see just fine! You were able to study all those magic books and hit moving targets like us with no trouble at all.
Rezo: I could feel you, ok? Like using The Force. But I couldn’t see with my eyes. That’s what I was after. You wouldn’t understand.
Amelia: Boy, you sure are hard to please, Rezo.

Rezo glares her into silence, then changes the subject.

Rezo: So! What are you guys questing for this time?
Lina: An all-you-can-eat diner!
Zelgadis: A cure for my chimera-ness!
Amelia: Justice for all people!
Gourry: Another segue for a musical number! When do I get a turn?
Rezo: You just got finished singing, give somebody else a turn!
Gourry: That wasn’t my real musical number, I was just making fun of you! It was improv! I’m allowed to do improv from time to time, right?
Lina: Not when it’s stupid.
Gourry: Well, I thought it was funny.
Zelgadis: So did I.
Amelia: Excuse me! I think I’m next…

She pulls out the script, and they all gather ‘round for a look.

Amelia: Yup! I’m next! How cool! I get to sing about my favorite thing in the whole, wide world!
Gourry: Zelgadis?
Amelia: No!
Lina: Making stupid speeches at the worst possible moment?
Amelia: Uh…hmmm…

She thinks about it.

Amelia: Nope! Not that, either!
Zelgadis: My turn: Justice, perhaps?
Amelia: YOU GOT IT! Music, Maestro!

The Rascals appear out of nowhere and start playing Good Lovin’, while Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Rezo do groovy dance moves and back up the Princess as she sings:

Amelia: Good law!
                *guitar riff*
                Good justice!
                *guitar riff*
                Good law!

                *brief guitar solo*

                I was seein’ lots of bad
                I jumped into a tree and here’s what I said
                I said "Bad guys!"
All:        BAD GUYS!
Amelia: "Doin’ evil to me!"
All:        BAD GUYS!
Amelia: "Now let me tell you how it’s gonna be!"
All:        BAD GUYS!
Amelia: I said "nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!"
All:        NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH!
Amelia: Now you’ll see!
                How fruitless evil can be!
All:        Good law!
Amelia: C’mon, gimme good justice!
All:        Good law!
Amelia: Man, I love that justice!
All:        Good law!
Amelia: Good justice, baby!

The Rascals go nuts on the jam until Lina Dragon Slaves them into oblivion.

Amelia: Miss Lina! I didn’t interrupt your big musical number!
Gourry: Yeah, Lina! They rocked! No offense, Zel.
Zelgadis: Whatever.
Rezo: Lina, if you can’t play nice with the other children, we’re simply going to have to ask you to leave the show.
Lina: Who asked you?! DRAGON SLAVE!

Rezo is reduced to red ashes. Lina brushes her hands off on her cloak and favors her stunned companions with a maniacal grin.

Gourry: Wow…two Dragon Slaves back-to-back! I think that’s a record!
Amelia: And the only things she obliterated were a 60’s pop band and Rezo!
Zelgadis: You’ve been practicing, haven’t you?

Lina fluffs her hair and sends him an air kiss.

Lina: Well…yes, now that you mention it. How sweet of you to notice, Zelgadis!

She flutters her eyelashes at him flirtatiously. Everybody looks from her to Zel and back again in utter confusion, then Amelia figures it out.

Amelia: Oh yeah. This is where we titillate the "Lina belongs with Zel" camp. I keep forgetting we have to do that at least once or twice a season.
Zelgadis: And since the Queen of Swords is firmly in the "Lina belongs with Gourry" camp, this is as close as I’ll get to scoring with Lina in one of her fanfics.
Lina: Yeah, if you want to see me and Zel as a couple, you’ll have to read Silent Steel’s fics, ‘cause it ain’t gonna happen on this website!
Gourry: Excuse me! You two sound like you want to be a couple!

Lina and Zelgadis shrug.

Zelgadis: I’m pretty neutral, actually.
Amelia: You just like all those fan-girls drooling over you…
Zelgadis: Well…

Xellos appears on a tree limb over their heads and giggles.

Xellos: What about me, Zelgadis? I can’t even begin to count the number of yaoi and lemon fics pairing up the two of us! I’m hurt that you’re abandoning me in favor of Lina!
Lina: Hey! There are more people who want you and me together than you and Zelgadis! How come you’re flirting with him?!
Xellos: You’re so cute when you’re confused. I live for that, you know…

Heart’s "Magic Man" kicks in. As he sings, Xellos floats off the branch to flit amongst the gang, placing little butterfly kisses on each cheek he passes.

Xellos: Mess your mind
                How I love to   
                Play with pawns just like you
                You thought that you knew me
                Could see right through me
                Yeah

                It’s a secret
                I say with a smile
                You don’t have to worry
                I’ll just be gone a while
                But try to understand
                Try to understand
                Try, try, try to understand
                Oh, who am I trying to kid, people?
                You can never understand!

Zelgadis: That’s because you’re a fruitcake.
Amelia: A weirdo!
Gourry: A freak!
Lina: A creep!
Xellos: I love you, too! Tootle-loo!

He disappears, much to the relief of our heroes, but just so they don’t get too complacent, his grin appears and floats in mid air as Xellos delivers one, last bit of fruity wisdom.

Xellos: Will Lina hook up with me? Or with Zelgadis? Or Gourry? Or Naga? Or Amelia? It’s a secret!

The floating cheshire grin disappears.

Lina: I really can’t stand him.
Gourry: You guys? When do I get to sing?!
Amelia: Didn’t you read the script?

She hands him hers, and Gourry skims it cover to cover, looking for his big musical number, only to come up dry. He sniffles as he returns the script to Amelia. A teardrop falls from his eye, then tears spew like fountains as he plops down on the ground and wails like a baby.

Lina: Don’t cry, Gourry! You’re so big on improv, why don’t you just improvise something?
Zelgadis: Yeah, who cares what the script says! If you feel like singing, sing!
Amelia: They’re absolutely right, Mr. Gourry! It’s not fair that the rest of us get to sing, but you don’t!
Lina: Hell, even Rezo and Xellos got to sing! And if those creeps get to do it, I think you should be allowed to sing, too!
Amelia: Go for it, Mr. Gourry!

Gourry dries up in a snap.

Gourry: Do you really mean it, you guys? You’ll let me sing? Really?
Lina: Sure, Gourry, knock yourself out!

Gourry opens his mouth to sing, then changes his mind. He thinks about it for a while, cupping his chin in his hand and looking very, very serious. Minutes pass…

Zelgadis: Any time you’re ready, Gourry.

More minutes pass…

Amelia: Um, Mr. Gourry, if you’re not going to sing any time soon, could we maybe go get something to eat? Maybe you’ll feel more inspired on a full stomach.
Lina: A capital idea, Amelia! How ‘bout it, Gourry? Eat first, sing later?
Zelgadis: Even I’m hungry for once.
Gourry: Well, it is kind of hard to belt one out when your stomach’s growling. Ok! Let’s get some chow, then I’ll do my big song and dance number! Believe you me, it’ll be worth the wait! I’ll even hire dancing girls and a band and back-up singers! And we’ll have these couples in formal dress dancing onto tables and fountains and stuff—like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers! It’ll be so cool!

The End