AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I strongly recommend that you have some knowledge about both the anime "Slayers" and the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" before reading this. Also, a caffeine high might help. 8)
Author's notes follow tonight's main feature. This fanfic makes absolutely NO attempt whatsoever to preserve or tie into the continuity established in the Slayers animes or mangas; it takes place after episode one of the first Slayers TV series and goes crazy after that. However, it does try to preserve the characters as much as such a project allows. At no point is this going to be a lemon (or sexually explicit, for those who are not cybergeeks) fanfic; nevertheless, you might want to keep this away from your kid sister since it's so warped. I apologize in advance for all correctly-spelled words and grammatically-correct sentences. I blame society. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is copyright 20th Century Fox. Who'd have thought that the company that brought us the Rocky Horror Picture Show could also bring us "Anastasia"? Try explaining THAT to your kids... All Slayers characters are copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi, with the exception of Aunt Koirry, who is copyrighted by Stefan Gagne. Anything that's left over (with the exception of pop-culture references) is copyrighted by me; in other words, please don't go saying that you wrote this.Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know? Send emails to scottwat@scf.usc.edu.
SCENE 1:
(Lina and Gourry are running from an angry mob of villagers that are menacingly shaking pitchforks, hoes and other gardening utensils of doom)
Lina: (panting occasionally) Jeez, what ingratitude! Not an hour ago, they were begging me to save them from the black dragon, and now it's toast!
Gourry: (catching up with Lina, panting less frequently than Lina) Yeah, but so's their village! (looks back to the mob, eyes widen) Lina! They're catching up and shouting nasty things!
Angry Mob: (slowly catching up to Lina and Gourry) Nasty things! Nasty things!
Lina: (bigsweats, frowns, thought to self) How cliché can you get? Gourry, hang on! (chants a spell) Ray Wing!
(Lina begins to float off the ground. Gourry grabs onto Lina's waist, and the two take to the skies, leaving the angry mob on the ground, shouting thinks like, "And don't ever come back!")
Gourry: (hanging onto Lina's waist, looking towards Lina's face) Hey, Lina. I have something to say...
Lina: (not looking at Gourry) What?
Gourry: (innocent-faced) You don't have any breasts, do you?
(Lina, angry and red faced, kicks Gourry in the face. With a boot-mark on his face, he falls, screaming and panic-stricken)
Lina: (shouting, angry) Will you stop going on about that? (notices that Gourry is falling, bigsweats) I better catch him before... (loud thud. Lina bigsweats and smiles, eyes closed) ...too late.
(On the ground, Gourry is buried into the ground. His legs stick up and twitch occasionally. Lina floats down to Gourry and pulls him out of the ground. Gourry rolls his neck around and spits up a few dirtballs, causing Lina to gag.)
Gourry: (hacks and coughs, then turns to Lina, anger apparent on his face) What was that for?
Lina: (smiling, bigsweatting, fidgeting with her hands) Well, you broke my concentration...
Gourry: (interrupting, flames burning in his eyes, head 3 times larger than normal) And you broke my spine!
(Lina and Gourry begin to bicker. As they do, fade into a well-furnished den with bookshelves filled with thick books and a globe sitting on a newly-polished desk. A man in a grey business suit and a monk's hood sits in a plush chair and reads a book. He turns to the audience, his face expressionless. A hint of a ruby can be seen on his forehead.)
Vrumugun: (closes the book) I would like, if I may, to take you on a journey. It seemed an ordinary night when Gourry Gabriev and his girlfriend, Lina Inverse...
(A bunny slipper, thrown from Vrumugun's right, hits him on the head. Vrumugun rubs his head, an ever-so-slight trace of annoyance visible on his face)
Lina: (from offstage, shouting) WHAT WAS THAT?!?
Vrumugun: (pause, doesn't acknowledge Lina's outburst) ...two young, healthy, yet strange kids...
Lina: (continues to rant from offstage) I AM NOT STRANGE!
Vrumugun: (continuing, his monotone narrative overpowering Lina's rants) ...left the village that they had destroyed in their fight with the black dragon to find a warm bed and an abundant supply of food. It's true that there were dark storm clouds...
(cups hands together and creates a small black cloud which hovers above his open palms. The ruby on his forehead shimmers under his hood) ...black, heavy, pendulous... towards which they were travelling. It's also true that they were badly in need of food and supplies, and Lina gets crabby in the rain...
Lina: (growls offstage)
Vrumugun: ...so the young adventurers sought to find the nearest village before the storm found them. (pause. The cloud in Vrumugun's hands begins to expand and encircle him) On a night out.
(Pause. All that is visible now are the black cloud, and the visible part of the ruby on Vrumugun's forehead)
Vrumugun: It was a night they were to remember for a very long time. (the ruby shimmers, and an ever-so-slight chuckle escapes Vrumugun.)
SCENE 2:
(Back to Lina and Gourry, who are still bickering. They both stop as a few drops of rain land on their faces.)
Lina: (whines, angrily) Look what you did? Now we're stuck out here in the rain!
(Lightning. The rain comes down heavily. Lina tries to cover herself with her cape. Gourry stands there, visibly unfazed by the rain)
Gourry: It's just water, Lina. We'll be okay.
Lina: (incredulously) OKAY?!? (grabs Gourry) We're stuck out here in the rain! Our equipment will get spoiled or rusty, I'm hungry, I'm tired, and we have no place to stay!
Gourry: (points behind Lina) What about that castle up there?
Lina: (confused, turns around) Huh?
(A castle sits atop a cliff as lightning strikes in the background. A dark, rumbling laugh eminates from the castle, followed by what appears to be a brief flash of red eyes. Loud organ music booms from the castle ever-so-briefly. Gourry is shaking in fear.)
Gourry: (gulps, nervously) On second thought, maybe we should goWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!
(Gourry is being pulled by Lina, who is running towards the castle at breakneck speed)
Lina: C'mon! It'll be warm in there! (smiling) And there'll be lots of food! And maybe even a handsome prince who will marry me on the spot! (smiles, laughs inanely)
Gourry: (bigsweats, being dragged by Lina) No! I don't wanna! That castle creeps me out!
(Back to the castle. From one of the windows, a young man in a butler's outfit looks out the window. His hair is light purple and his skin is blue, rough and rocky.)
Zelgadis: I can sense them. They're coming. (determined look on his face) Tonight is it. (disappears as lightning strikes in the background)
(At the front door of the castle. Lina stands tall and firm, while Gourry, hunched over, is panting. Both are soaking wet.)
Gourry: Lina! (pant, pant) I say we go back! (pant, pant) This place is really freaky!
Lina: (sternly) Don't be silly, Gourry! Only the really rich and really noble live in castles! (looks to the door, smiling and wringing her hands) I can just sense it! Something really big is going to happen here! (giggles)
Gourry: (tears flow out his eyes, teeth chatter) That's what I'm afraid of!
Lina: (knocks on the door) Hey! Open up! (pause, then knocks again, angrily) Open up or I'll break this door down!
(The door opens. Zelgadis looks between Lina and Gourry, as if greeting someone else)
Zelgadis: (softly, but meaningfully) Hello.
Lina: (thought to herself) Whoa, whoa, whoa... a monster manservant?
Gourry: (hides behind Lina, screams) WAAAAAAAH! I told you this place is creepy!
Zelgadis: (turns head to side, sternly) Are my looks that monstrous to you?
Lina: (giggles nervously) No, no, that's not it! We were just... (bigsweats) ...running from an angry mob, so we're a bit jumpy. Oh, yeah, and we need a place to stay for the night.
(A pause.)
Zelgadis: (looks at Lina and Gourry) You're wet.
Lina: (thought to herself) What's WITH this guy??
Gourry: (steps from behind Lina) Yeah... it's raining outside.
(A pause.)
Zelgadis: Yes. (opens the doors wide, motions for Lina and Gourry to enter) I think you better both come inside.
Lina: (enters, smiling) Lucky!
Gourry: (looks around nervously, then mutters) Thank you.
(Zelgadis does not respond. Iris into Vrumugun's den)
Vrumugun: And so, after braving the inclement weather, and some not-too little time, it seemed that fortune had smiledon Gourry and Lina and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. (pause) Or had they? There was certainly something about this castle, to which an angry mob, a wisecrack about Lina's body and a wet night had brought them, that made Gourry feel apprehensive and uneasy. But, if they were to reach the next village, he would have to ignore such feelings and take advantage of whatever help was offered.
SCENE 3:
(The interior is dimly lit. The castle seems far more roomy from the inside than from the outside. The walls are adorned with paintings of Shabranigdo and other Mazoku. Fancy and unique antiques decorate the room and hallways. Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis are at the foot of a staircase.)
Zelgadis: (walks down the hall) Wait here.
(Zelgadis walks down the hall and vanishes)
Gourry: (whispers to Lina) Let's get out of here! Aunt Koirry always told me to stay away from weird places like this!
Lina: Listen, Gourry, we're tired, wet and hungry! It's gonna take more than a chimera manservant to scare me off! I'm Lina Inverse, sorcery genius, remember?
Gourry: (sighs) So if they try anything funny, you'll do that Dragon Slave thingy?
Lina: (wink and a smile) If I'm in a good mood!
(Gourry bigsweats. Zelgadis reappears.)
Zelgadis: (motions down the hallway) This way.
Gourry: (startled, jumps up) How did you do that?!?
Zelgadis: (ignores the question) You've arrived on a special night. It's one of the master's affairs.
Lina: (wide-eyed) Affairs? That means a party, right?
(giddy, to herself) Yes! There's going to be good food, soft beds, and lots of royalty! Lucky!
(A whooping laugh echoes through the hallway, eminating from the staircase. Lina pales and bigsweats. Gourry, panicked, jumps into Zelgadis's arms. Zelgadis bigsweats, then uncerimoniously dumps Gourry onto the ground)
Lina: (muttered to herself) It can't be...
Naga: (voice heard offstage) You're lucky! I'm lucky! We're ALL lucky!
(Naga, wearing a french maid outfit, slides down the banister, emitting her whooping laugh. Lina facefaults. Naga leaps from the banister and lands on top of Lina)
Naga: Behold Naga, the ultimate and sexiest rival of Lina Inverse!
Zelgadis: (clears throat) Gold fish feces.
Naga: (bigsweats, frowns) Zelgadis!
Gourry: (picks himself up. Faces Naga) So you're Naga.
(faces Zelgadis) And you're Zelidigidas. (smiles) My name's Gourry.
Zelgadis: That's Zelgadis.
Gourry: (confused) No, I'm pretty sure my name is Gourry.
Zelgadis: (A vein is visible from Zelgadis's forehead. Sternly) I'M Zelgadis.
Gourry: (smiles innocently) Nice to meet you, Zeldigas.
(Zelgadis grrs. Naga helps Lina up. Naga and Zelgadis usher Lina and Gourry into what appears to be a dance room. Zelgadis and Naga exchange devious grins to each other. The room is filled with humans and monsters of every shape and size performing dances ranging from the hokey-pokey to the lambada.)
Lina: (bigsweats, grimaces, whispered to Gourry) Looks like a monster mosh.
Gourry: (whispered to Lina) I don't think you'll find any princes in there, Lina.
(Lina nods, subconsciously clinging to Gourry. However, there is another woman clinging to Gourry's other side. She is wearing a gold top-hat and jacket, a white body vest and fishnet stockings.)
Martina: (honeyed voice, to Gourry) Hello, handsome!
Gourry: (panics) WAAAAAAAAAH!
(Gourry leaps up, causing Lina and Martina to fall into each other face-first, then collapse on the ground. Gourry lands behind Zelgadis.)
Gourry: How do you people DO that?
Lina: (rubs her face) Ittai! Now my nose is going to look all smashed in.
Naga: (whooping laugh) Your nose ALWAYS looked like that, Lina Inverse!
(Lina grrs, then lobs a fireball at Naga. She burns up and collapses, covered in ash.)
Lina: (angrily) That's it! (turns to Gourry) You were right! This place is weird! Let's get out of here before...
(Zelgadis, Naga and Martina encircle Lina and Gourry. They proceed to remove Lina's and Gourry's clothes. Though they struggle, Lina and Gourry are left in their underwear.)
Lina: (full body blush) ...something like this happens.
(Both Lina and Gourry try to cover up their bodies by balling up. Zelgadis hands their wet clothes to Naga, who takes them and leaves.)
Lina: (angrily) WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
Zelgadis: (in a "matter-of-fact" tone of voice) Your clothes were wet.
(Lina grrs. Martina is sitting next to Gourry, leaning on him)
Martina: Oooh, you're such a hunk, Gourry-chan.
Gourry: (bigsweats, full-body blush) Oh, please don't look at me...
Lina: (charging up a fireball) Gourry! Grab your sword! We're getting our clothes and getting out of here.
(A booming voice, powerful enough to shake the walls, is heard)
Rezo: My friends, I insist that you stay a while longer.
Lina: (confused, pale, standing up) Was that...
Zelgadis: (nods, arms crosses) ...the Red Priest, Rezo.
Lina: (to herself) Rezo.
Gourry: (stands up, to himself) Rezo.
(A pause. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina are watching Lina and Gourry, who seem lost in thought.)
Gourry: (confused) Who's Rezo?
(Lina, Zelgadis, Naga and Martina facefault.)
Lina: (picking herself up) You don't know who Rezo is?!?
Gourry: (tries to think, rubbing his chin. After a short pause, with a smile) No idea!
Lina: (bonks Gourry on the head with her elbow, then explains) Rezo the Red Priest is one of the five wise men of our age!
Zelgadis: (continuing) Though he is blind, he has performed countless miracles in his travels.
Naga: (continuing) He is also the owner of this castle.
Martina: (dreamily) And he's so handsome!
(Zelgadis and Naga wobble slightly)
Lina: (to Gourry) If Rezo wants to see us, something really important must be happening!
(Lina turns to Gourry, who is playing Tic-Tac-Toe with one of the monsters. Lina walks over and kicks them both.)
Lina: (to Gourry) Gourry! Weren't you even listening??
Gourry: (confused) Listening?
Lina: (grabs her head, bigsweats) Never mind...
Rezo: I bid you welcome, my friends.
(Rezo appears from an antique elevator. As the doors open, Rezo walks out. He is wearing black lipstick, gaudy earrings, fishnet stockings and green lingerie (bra, panties, stockings, garters, etc.). Lina and Gourry facefault. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina lead Rezo to a nearby couch. Rezo lies down on it casually. Zelgadis stands to Rezo's left. Naga stands to Rezo's right. Martina sits on the ground in front of the couch. Lina and Gourry stand up.)
Lina: (clears throat) Most honorable Rezo...
Gourry: (interrupts) What is with those clothes??
(Lina wobbles and bigsweats. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina look shocked and offended. Zelgadis and Naga draw their swords, and Martina begins to chant a spell. Lina and Gourry respond by chanting a spell and drawing a sword, respectively. Rezo smiles kindly and raises his hand.)
Rezo: (joviality in his voice) It's okay, my loyal servants.
(Reluctantly, Zelgadis and Naga sheathe their swords and Martina breaks her spell)
Rezo: (to Lina and Gourry) Please forgive them. They are very protective of me.
Lina: (nervously, smirking) It's okay. (points to Gourry) And please forgive him. He's a moron.
Gourry: (offended, to Lina) HEY!
Rezo: (chuckles) No offense taken. (faces Lina) Why don't you stay for the night?
Lina and Gourry: (together) Night?
Rezo: Or a bite?
(Zelgadis snarls)
Rezo: I could show you... (pause) ...my favorite obsession.
Gourry: (picks up and fireman-carries Lina) We're out of here!
(Gourry tries to run, but finds that he's running in place.)
Rezo: (with some authority) I insist that you stay. It's not decent to run around in your underwear like that.
(Gourry sighs.)
Lina: Gourry...
Gourry: Yes?
Lina: (clobbers Gourry) PUT ME DOWN!
(Gourry lies on the floor, a beaten-up heap. Lina, blushing, brushes herself off.)
Rezo: (smiles) You're blushing.
Lina: (angrily) Am not!
Rezo: (motions towards the elevator) Why don't you two come up to my lab?
Lina: (thinks to herself) Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is creepy... and I feel so NAKED! But any magician worth their salt would give their left arm for a chance to see Rezo's research! What do I do?
(Rezo walks to the elevator, flanked by his servants)
Rezo: (enters the elevator) Come, Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev.
Gourry: (picks himself up) I don't want to!
Lina: (pulls Gourry down. To Rezo, honeyed voice) One moment please! (whispered to Gourry) Gourry, listen up! I know this is freaky, and I don't like being in my underwear any more than you do, but I'd never forgive myself if he wanted to teach me a new spell and I passed it up! Understand?
Gourry: (in a defeated tone) I only understand one thing.
Lina: (sighs) What's that?
Gourry: You look good in your undies.
Lina: (grrs) Why you... (realizes what Gourry said, then
blushes slightly) ...I mean... (grrs again) ...stop goofing off!
(Lina and Gourry stand tall and face Rezo and his party. They head to the elevator.)
Martina: (addressing Gourry) You're very lucky, Gourry-chan. (leans on Gourry's shoulder) A lot of people would give their right arm for the priveledge. (purrs in Gourry's ear)
Gourry: (red-faced, nervous) People like you, maybe...
Martina: (harumphs, shoves Gourry into the elevator, speaks indignantly) I've SEEN it!
Gourry: (looks around the elevator) Huh? I thought I saw that cross-dressing priest enter here...
Lina: (confused by Martina's display) Are you and Rezo... (pause, bigsweats) ...you know?
Martina: (sighs dreamily, blushes) If only... isn't he handsome?
Zelgadis: (bigsweats) The master is not married, nor do I ever think he will be. We are all merely his servants.
Lina: (turns to Naga) I didn't think you'd ever be anybody's Servant, Naga.
(Naga chuckles, then gently pushes Lina into the elevator. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina enter the elevator last.)
Naga: (pulls a lever) Shift it!
(Martina starts dancing erratically. Lina, Gourry and Zelgadis facefault. Naga holds up a card which reads, "8.7".)
Naga: Martina-chan, you must learn how to shake your booty better.
Martina: (embarassed) Sorry.
(The elevator lurches into action, slowly lifting the party up. Lina and Gourry back away from Zelgadis, Naga and Martina.)
Gourry: (taps Lina on the shoulder) Hey, Lina.
Lina: (turns to Gourry) What?
Gourry: You've got some master plan or something to get our clothes back and get out, right?
Lina: (juts forward as if choking on a bone, confesses meekly) Um... er... not really. Do you?
Gourry: (smiles innocently) Come on, Lina. If I thought of a plan like that, I would have forgotten it already.
Lina: (sighs) Oh, boy.
SCENE 4:
(The elevator comes to a stop in a brightly-lit laboratory. Bubbling tubes, numerous switches and devices, and an observatory are present. Lina is in awe; Gourry is distracted by an odd-colored cockroach. Naga pulls the elevator's lever and the doors open up. Zelgadis walks to a nearby machine and begins to operate it.)
(Rezo, now wearing his priestly robes, walks towards the elevator.)
Rezo: Naga.
(Naga steps out of the elevator and stands on the right.)
Rezo: Martina.
(Martina steps out of the elevator and stands on the left.)
Rezo: Go and assist Zelgadis. I will entertain... (turns to Lina and Gourry, chuckling.)
(Naga and Martina walk over to Zelgadis and assist him in manipulating the machine. Lina and Gourry meekly exit the elevator. It vanishes, startling Lina and Gourry.)
Rezo: (smirks) How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have.
(Lina and Gourry do a full-body blush.)
Gourry: (confused) Excuse me, Mr. Rezo... but if you can't open your eyes, how do you know if our underclothes look good?
Rezo: (snickers) Let's just say... (pause) ...I can feel it.
(A bunny slipper and a stone fly by Rezo's face.)
Lina and Gourry: PERVERT!
(Rezo bigsweats, then tosses some labcoats at Lina and Gourry. On them are text that reads, "I saw Rezo's laboratory, and all I got was this lousy lab coat.")
Rezo: Put these on. They'll make you feel less... (pause)...vulnerable.
(Lina and Gourry hurriedly put their lab coats on. Gourry's lab coat is on backwards. Lina grrs and spins Gourry violently. When he is finished spinning, his lab coat is on correctly, but he is swirly-eyed.)
Rezo: It's not often that we receive guests... let alone offer them... hospitality.
Lina: (grumbled, to herself) You call this hospitality? You took my clothes and haven't offered me a meal!
Rezo: (confused, stern) What was that?
Lina: (panicked, nervous) Nothing!
Rezo: (hmmms)
(In the background, the infamous "Windows Start Sound" plays)
Zelgadis: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your...
(A pause. Naga whispers something in Zelgadis's ear. He nods)
Zelgadis: ...word.
Rezo: (smiles, nods to Zelgadis) Very good.
(Rezo walks to a podium which is set on a stage. Shabranidgo's image is the background. As Rezo stands behind the podium, he equips himself with green rubber gloves. The monsters and humans watching from above fall silent.)
Rezo: Tonight, dear friends, you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biomagical research!
(All except Lina and Gourry cheer. To avoid looking out of place, they clap politely.)
Rezo: It was strange, the way it happened...
(Gourry starts to clap again. All eyes fall on Gourry, who bigsweats.)
Gourry: Sorry...
(Gourry stands behind Lina, who gets right behind Gourry again.)
Lina: Gourry! You're supposed to be my bodyguard, remember?
Gourry: (bigsweats) You're supposed to be a great sorceress!
Rezo: Ahem.
(Lina and Gourry fall silent)
Rezo: It was strange, the way it happened... suddenly, you get a break. Whole pieces seem to fit into place.
(motions with his hands) The answer was there all the time!
Gourry: (whispered, to Lina) Where's there?
Lina: (whispered, shrugs) Dunno.
Rezo: It took an accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT!
(The crowd cheers again. Some shout, "Yay, accidents!")
Rezo: (smiling, looking frenzied and fanatical) Yes, dear friends! That is how I discovered the secret... that elusive ingredient, that SPARK (as Rezo shouts that word, sparks shoot from the machine Zelgadis, Naga and Martina are tending to) that is the breath of life!
(More cheering. Gourry is shaking.)
Lina: (thought to herself) So he's doing the horror-movie cliché?
Rezo: (continuing his frenzied speech) YES! I have that knowledge! I hold the secret... to life... ITSELF! (laughs heartily)
(Rezo points at Lina and Gourry, who flinches.)
Rezo: You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my first beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!
Lina: (looking a bit worried) Creature?
Rezo: (points to Zelgadis, Naga and Martina) Up now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...and step the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS!
Zelgadis: (gasps) THREE POINTS?!?
Naga: (gasps) THREE POINTS!!!
Martina: (gasps) But the machine can't hold...
Rezo: DO IT!
(Zelgadis, Naga and Martina reluctantly make the modifications. The whole lab blacks out. Amidst the buzzing of machinery and the crackling of electricity, Rezo's maniacal laugh is heard. Lina stands close to Gourry.)
Gourry: (tries to draw his sword) What's going on?
Lina: I don't know, but I hate it!
(The noise from the machinery and electricity cresendos, then stops abruptly. Slowly, the lights rise. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina have fallen down, twitching with electricity. Lina, who was holding Gourry's arm, lets go and slaps him once for good measure. Rezo, who is still laughing, is now holding a large fish with human arms and legs, as well as a blonde wig on his head.)
Rezo: Arise, Noonsa!
Lina and Gourry: Noonsa?
(Noonsa opens his eyes, looks around, then leaps out of Rezo's arms. He starts running around, screaming, knocking his way through the Mazoku and the humans that watched from above.)
Lina: (makes a bitter face) Yuck! I hate fish!
(Noonsa, who hears Lina, grrs and charges, arms waving, at Lina.)
Gourry: (stands in front of Lina, sword drawn) Stay back!
(Noonsa continues charging. As he is about to ram into Gourry, who has his sword raised to strike, a ball of magic energy strikes Noonsa and pulls him back to Rezo.)
Rezo: (angrily) That is no way to behave on your first day out, Noonsa.
Noonsa: (looks down) I'm sorry.
Rezo: (smiles) But since you're so important, I'm prepared to forgive you.
(The observers cheer. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina look, analytically, at Noonsa.)
Rezo: (to Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Naga and Martina) So, what do you think?
(Silence. The five look back and forth to each other.)
Zelgadis: He's quite a specimen, master.
Naga: A triumph of your will.
Martina: (pause, bigsweats) Interesting fish.
Gourry: (adds) Goofy fish.
Lina: (gags) Ugh, the smell... I hate fish!
(Rezo trembles with anger.)
Rezo: Interesting? Goofy? FISH?!?
(The observers from above gasp. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Naga and Martina fall silent quickly.)
Rezo: (turned away from the party, facing Noonsa) A three-pound fish... will get caught and eaten... but with the right training... and the right diet... (points to a red circle on Noonsa's forehead) ...and one of the seven pieces of Shabranidgo...
(Lina gasps.)
Rezo: ...in just seven days, Noonsa, I'll make you... a Devil Fish!
(Noonsa hops up and down with joy.)
Lina: (muttered to self) Shabranidgo...
Gourry: (hands Lina a handkerchief) Bless you.
Lina: (grrs) I didn't sneeze! Shabranidgo is the king of all monsters! And Rezo's using the pieces of Shabranidgo's body to... to... (confused) ...make fish? That makes no sense...
(A muffled voice comes from a nearby large freezer.)
Voice: Did someone say fish?
Martina: (smiles, gasps) Zangulus!
Voice: HOWLING SWORD!
(The door of the large freezer blasts off its hinges, knocking Rezo into a nearby wall. As Zelgadis and Naga tend to their injured master, Zangulus, in Hell's Angel garb, storms out on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. He looks like he has sustained some sort of head injury, and he is half-covered with frost.)
Martina: (leaps into Zangulus, who catches her) Zangulus!
(kisses him profusely.)
Lina: (blinks) WHAT?!?
Gourry: (slams his fist into his open palm) I get it! Those two were lovers, but that weird priest locked him in the freezer! And by the looks of his head, he was some sort of failed experiment!
Lina: (facefaults) WHAT?!? (to Gourry) How does somebody who can't even put on his own lab coat figure things out like that?!?
Gourry: (turns to Lina) Well, to be perfectly honest... (bigsweats)...I made a wild guess!
Lina: (sighs, bigsweats, holds her head) I want this nightmare to end.
(Zangulus points his sword at Noonsa, who is shaking.)
Zangulus: Noonsa! I challenge you!
(Zangulus rides after Noonsa, sending shockwaves shooting around Rezo's lab. The stray shockwaves damage some machinery and some observers, but Noonsa is able to dodge the attacks. Martina watches, starry-eyed.)
Martina: Isn't he great?
Lina: (gets an idea) Say, Martina, why does Rezo want to put parts of Shabranidgo in fish?
Martina: (still in her smitten state) He had tried human experiments, like (deep sigh) Zangulus-kun... (giggles) ...but human subjects didn't obey him.
Lina: (shocked) So he thinks that giving Shabranidgo fragments to fish will allow him to control them?!? He's mad!
Martina: (watches Zangulus as he accidentally beheads a troll) Isn't he dreamy?
Gourry: He's quite a good swordsman...
Lina: (holds her head again) This doesn't make any sense...
(Rezo finally comes to. He faces Zangulus, whose bike stops. Zangulus looks at Rezo.)
Zangulus: (bigsweats) Uh oh...
(Rezo backs Zangulus into the freezer. Flashes of magic can be seen; banging and clashing echo through the lab. Martina shrieks and cries on Noonsa's back. Zelgadis and Naga watch, exchanging occasional glances. Rezo walks out, his priest's robes a bit bloody. Noonsa runs up to him, causing Martina to fall to the ground face-first.)
Rezo: Don't worry about that creature, Noonsa. It was a mercy killing... he had a certain naive charm, but no discipline.
(Rezo notices that Lina and Gourry are just staring at him. He tosses off his bloody priest's robes, which disappear. Rezo stands before everyone in his green lingerie ensemble.)
Rezo: Come, Noonsa! In just seven days, I will make you a Devil Fish!
(Rezo laughs, and darts into a secret corridor. Noonsa follows.)
Lina: (bluntly) What was that all about?!?
(Zelgadis and Naga help up a weeping Martina.)
Zelgadis: (to Lina and Gourry) It could be worse.
Lina: (frustratedly) It could be worse?!? He's going to revive the Dark Lord in a bunch of fish, and you're telling me it could be worse?!?
Gourry: (nods) That's right. He could be using chicken.
Zelgadis: Exactly.
(Lina, Naga and Martina facefault.)
(Blackout. Lights on in Vrumugun's den.)
Vrumugun: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Gourry and Lina are quite safe, however, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his sombre training chambers had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.
SCENE 5:
(Naga throws Lina into a bedroom filled with stuffies, a vanity mirror, and other assorted girly things. Lina's lab coat is gone.)
Lina: (angrily) I'm NOT sleeping in this room!
Naga: (arms crossed) You have no choice! The master wills it!
(Lina grrs and flares up with magical energy.)
Lina: All right, that's it! I don't care if I AM in my underwear! I'm getting out of here! FLARE...
(Naga punches Lina in the face. She hums and slumps down.)
Naga: Pleasant dreams, Lina. (closes the door)
(Lina comes to a few moments later. Her room is pitch-black.)
Lina: (rubs her nose) ITTAI! Oh, now I'm REALLY pissed off! GAV FLARE!
(Lina unleashes her magical energies on the door, which does not budge.)
Lina: (angrily) What?!? (slumps down on the bed) This doesn't make any sense! One minute, we were running from ungrateful villagers, now I'm stripped to my skivvies while some mad priest is making evil fish... (sigh) I wonder how Gourry is doing...
(A knock on the door.)
Lina: (testily) What?
Voice: It's me. Gourry. Can I come in?
Lina: (Almost says yes, but pauses) You pervert! I'm in my Underwear!
Voice: (sighs) Okay.
Lina: No, wait... you can come in, but be careful. That door's real...
(The door opens. A figure walks in. Lina bigsweats.)
Lina: ...tough?
(The figure sits next to Lina)
Voice: Are you okay, Lina?
(The figure starts giving Lina a gentle backrub. Lina sighs and relaxes.)
Lina: Thanks, Gourry. You're not such a moron after all.
(Lina playfully whacks the figure in the head. She feels a wig come off. She turns and faces the figure.)
Lina: REZO!
Rezo: (laughs) I'm afraid so, Lina, but wasn't it nice?
Lina: (angrily, holding a glowing ball in her hand) What do you want?
Rezo: Hmmm... what indeed? I know... how about that gem in your top?
Lina: YOU PERVERT! (leaps off the bed and volleys a fireball at Rezo!) Pushy guys don't get the girls!
(Rezo is unfazed by the fireball)
Rezo: You misunderstand me. I don't want you... merely that gem in your top. But if you will not willingly give it to me, I will have to... (pause) ... do something drastic.
(Lina charges up a second spell.)
Lina: Forget it! DAMU BRAS!
(The magical daggers fail to pierce Rezo, who grabs Lina by the waist. She gasps.)
Rezo: You leave me no choice.
(Rezo proceeds to tickle Lina. She chortles at first, but soon she is laughing so hard, tears are running down her cheeks.)
Lina: (between laughs) Re... zo... you... bastard...
(Lina collapses from lack of air. Rezo takes the gem from Lina's top while she gasps for air.)
Rezo: Admit it... you liked it, didn't you? (chuckles) There's nothing wrong to giving yourself over to pleasure, Lina Inverse.
(Rezo tickles Lina for three seconds more, then leaves, closing the door behind him. Lina lies on the floor trying to catch her breath.)
Lina: (gasping) The bastard... he fights dirty...
SCENE 6:
(Gourry is shoved into his quarters, forcefully, by Zelgadis. His room is plain, but the bed is large and plush. Gourry's lab coat is gone.)
Gourry: You can't keep me here! And what did you do to Lina?
Zelgadis: (chuckles) Yes, I can. And your girlfriend is fine.
Gourry: (blushes) She's not my girlfriend. I'm her bodyguard!
Zelgadis: Your girlfriend is fine... and worrying about her will do no good anyway. This door is thick orihalcon. I advise you to sleep well.
(Zelgadis gives Gourry a cruel smile, then closes a heavy door, trapping Gourry in the room. The room falls pitch black. He tries to look around it. When he's finished, he sits on the bed, arms crossed.)
Gourry: I told Lina we shouldn't have come in here! Now we're trapped and in our underwear and... (stops, a concerned look on his face) ...Lina...
(A voice comes from behind the door.)
Voice: Gourry, it's Lina. Can I come in?
Gourry: (smiles) Sure! Come on in!
( A figure enters Gourry's room, closing the door behind it.)
Gourry: I was just thinking about you, Lina! I'm glad you're safe. Let's get out of here before... wait a minute...
Voice: What?
Gourry: How come you're not insulting or hitting me?
(reaches out to feel her forehead) Are you feeling well?
(Gourry feels a wig come off in his hands)
Gourry: (confused) Since when did you start wearing a wig, Lina?
Rezo: (bigsweats) I'm not Lina.
Gourry: (scratches his head) Aunt Koirry?
Rezo: (wobbles) No.
Gourry: (sits and thinks) Julia Roberts?
Rezo: (angrily) It's me, Rezo the Red Priest, you dolt!
Gourry: (confused) No, I'm pretty sure my name is Gourry. (turns to the figure) So then, who are you?
(Rezo, flustered, just walks up to Gourry and hits him in the head with a stick. Gourry takes the blow uncharacteristically gracefully and faces Rezo.)
Gourry: (leaps back and draws his sword) Rezo! What do you want?
Rezo: Hmmm... what indeed? I know... how about your Sword of Light?
Gourry: I'm not giving it to you or anybody! It's a family heirloom!
Rezo: (approaches Gourry without fear) You leave me no choice.
(Gourry swings at Rezo, who effortlessly blocks the sword. He grabs Gourry's sides and proceeds to tickle him. Gourry is laughing in no time. As he grasps his sides, Rezo takes the sword.)
Gourry: (gasping for breath) Give... that... back...
Rezo: You liked it didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure - is there?
(Zelgadis's voice comes up over the intercom)
Zelgadis: Master, Noonsa has broken his chains and vanished. The new Devil Fish is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Naga has just released.. the Lesser Demons.
(Rezo's expression is of annoyance.)
Rezo: I understand.
(Rezo leaves Gourry's room, closing the door behind him. Gourry is still gasping for air.)
SCENE 7:
(Back at the laboratory. Lina, panting and angry, storms in via a door she destroyed with a fireball.)
Lina: (angrily) Where did that kinky priest go? (grrs, then Punches a nearby wall, hurting her hand.) OUCH! (shakes her hand, then pouts) I never thought I'd say this, but... (sighs) ...Gourry was right. We shouldn't have come to this castle. We shouldn't have stayed when they ripped our clothes off. (angrily) I should have just Dragon Slaved everybody into next Thursday! (sighs) Gourry...
(Noonsa bursts into the lab, startling Lina. Several Lesser Demons follow, hurling dark energies at the fish.)
Lina: (sly grin) All right! A chance to cut loose! ELEMEKIA
LANCE!
(Lina hurls a shaft of magical energy at the lesser demons, piercing two of them. The other three turn their focus from Noonsa to Lina.)
Lina: You picked the wring time to mess with me! BLAST ASH!
(The remaining three demons are incinerated. The demons vanish. Lina turns to Noonsa, prepared to blast him.)
Lina: And as for you...
(Noonsa gazes, lovingly, at Lina. He is blushing.)
Noonsa: I love you.
Lina: (turns blue, gags) WHAT?!?
Noonsa: (shouts) I LOVE YOU! (charges at Lina)
Lina: (thought to herself) Damn! I don't have enough time to finish the spell!
(Noonsa chases Lina around the lab for a minute. In a last-ditch effort to lose Noonsa, she leaps into a nearby chamber and tries to close the door. Noonsa struggles with all his might to keep the door open.)
Lina: Leave me alone!
Noonsa: I LOVE YOU!
Lina: (thought to herself) Why me?!?
(Naga and Martina, who were watching the chase from a different chamber, are laughing hysterically, unseen by Lina and Noonsa. Zelgadis's body is thrown into the lab with violent force.)
Zelgadis: (trying to stand) Master, have mercy!
(Rezo barges in, flooding Zelgadis's body with electricity)
Rezo: I gave you power beyond your imagining, and this is how you repay me? How did this happen? I understood you were to be watching!
Zelgadis: (voice strained by Rezo's punishment) I was only away...for a moment.
Rezo: I will accept no more failures! FIND HIM!
(Rezo withdraws his attack, and Zelgadis falls to his knees. He pulls himself towards one of the undamaged machine and starts to utilize it. Gourry charges into the lab, still in his underwear.)
Gourry: (angrily, armed with one of the bedposts) Rezo! Return my sword and let Lina go!
(Rezo grabs Gourry and attempts to tickle Gourry into submission for a second time.)
Zelgadis: Master, we have a visitor.
(An image of Xelloss in a wheelchair appears before Rezo. He is at the castle's front door.)
Gourry: (confused) Who's that guy? He has the same color hair as you do...
(Rezo glares hatefully at the image of Xelloss. Gourry realizes that Rezo is distracted and makes a grab for his sword. Rezo knocks Gourry aside and turns to him.)
Rezo: (angrily) So... this wasn't a chance meeting, was it?
Gourry: (confused) Huh?
Rezo: This priest is not unknown to me. He investigates Mazoku activity, doesn't he, Gourry?
Gourry: (surprised) He does? How did you know that?
Zelgadis: (monitoring Xelloss) Master, the intruder is entering the building!
Rezo: (sternly) Bring him to me!
(Zelgadis nods, then vanishes. Rezo continues his relentless tickling of Gourry. Xelloss, in a wheelchair, enters the room at great velocity. Xelloss skids to a stop, then faces Rezo. Rezo stops tickling Gourry and apporaches Xelloss.)
Xelloss: (smiles) Is this any way to treat a crippled priest?
Rezo: (sternly) Don't play games with me, Xelloss. I know you sent the male and female humans to check the layout for you. But now, all your plans are going to be changed.
Xelloss: (nods nonchalantly) Sure, sure... (turns to Gourry) Who's that?
Gourry: (waves) Hello! (pause) Hey! How did you keep from getting your clothes ripped off?
Xelloss: (smiles) It's a secret.
Rezo: (angrily) Trickster priest, you are not welcome here.
Xelloss: (smiles to Rezo) Okay... I'll be going, then. After all, I'm just looking for Zangulus.
Gourry: Oh! I remember him! He was killed by (points to Rezo) him an hour ago!
(Xelloss and Rezo face each other, anger seething from their faces. Gourry watches both of them.)
Gourry: Um... excuse me... Xelloss? Rezo?
(Lina rushes in, chased by an infatuated Noonsa. She leaps behind Gourry.)
Gourry: Lina!
Lina: Gourry!
Xelloss: (faces Lina) Lina!
Lina: (confused) Xelloss?
Rezo: (turns to Noonsa) NOONSA!
Noonsa: Yikes!
Gourry: Lina!
Lina: Gourry!
Xelloss: Lina!
Lina: Xelloss?
Rezo: NOONSA!
Noonsa: Yikes!
Gourry: Lina!
Lina: Gourry!
Xelloss: Lina!
Lina: Xelloss?
Rezo: NOONSA!
Noonsa: Yikes!
Gourry: Lina!
Lina: (shouts at the top of her lungs) KNOCK IT OFF!
(Gourry and Noonsa facefault. Xellos and Rezo are taken aback, but quicky resume staring hatefully at each other.)
Xelloss: So, you killed Zangulus?
Rezo: (angrily) I do as I please, trickster priest! (turns to Noonsa) And don't you forget that I made you, and I can break you just as easily!
(Noonsa whimpers.)
Rezo: Though it comes as no surprise to you, trickster priest, your agent's weapon was one of two weapons that could derail my research. He had to be eliminated.
(Xelloss snickers.)
Xelloss: Fair enough. So give back the Howling Sword, and I'll Forgive you.
(Rezo laughs, drawing the Howling Sword and the Sword of Light.)
Rezo: You don't get it, do you? With these weapons in my possession, no force on Earth can withstand my Devil Fish!
Xelloss: (snickers) Shows how much you know...
Lina: Wait... time out. The swords I can understand, but why did you say you needed the gem in my top?
(Rezo pretends not to hear.)
Lina: (approaches Rezo) I said, why did you need the gem in my top?
Rezo: (softly) I don't... I was just trying to feel you up.
(Rezo bigsweats. Gourry, Xelloss and Noonsa facefault. Zelgadis, Naga and Martina, watching from a distant corner of the lab, also facefault. Lina turns red with rage.)
Lina: WHY YOU...!
(Lina and Gourry advance towards Rezo.)
Rezo: (calls to Zelgadis) Throw the switch!
(Zelgadis leaps up to the observatory and uses his weight to throw a gigantic switch. The floor crackles with magical energy, holding Lina, Gourry and Xelloss.)
Lina: (pulling up on her legs) Damn! I can't move my feet!
Xelloss: (straining on his wheelchair) I can't move my wheels!
Gourry: (watching a moth fly by) Look! A moth!
Lina: (tosses a bunny slipper at Gourry, which hits him on the head) Now's no time to space out!
Xelloss: (snickers while Lina and Gourry bicker) You seem to be doing well so far, Rezo. Your little plan to conquer the world with Devil Fish is... (taps his chin as if in thought) ...unique, but do you really think you'll be able to sustain this castle in OUTER SPACE?
Lina and Gourry: (gasp) OUTER SPACE?
Rezo: (taken aback) How did you know?
Xelloss: (smiles smugly) It's a secret.
Rezo: (regains his composure, smiles) Well done, trickster priest. (to Lina and Gourry) It is exactly as he says. My plan is to create Devil Fish like... no, make that superior to Noonsa. While they ravage the land, my own stronghold will be safe beyond their reach. However, you must be dealt with. Now that you know this, I can't let you run free and try to oppose me. (pause, thinks, chuckles) You will be my guinea pigs for my newest torture device... the sonic anime transducer!
(Lina, Gourry and Xelloss gasp. Rezo laughs maniacally, then recomposes himself.)
Rezo: (to Xelloss) But tell me, "priest", why did you oppose us?
Xelloss: (smiles) It's a secret.
Rezo: (enraged) You have invoked my fury! I'll make you and your human pawns pay dearly for your interference! Zelgadis!
(Zelgadis darts to Rezo's side with a strange gun-like device. He points it at Lina.)
Lina: (nervously) Wait a minute... can't we talk this out?
(Rezo nods to Zelgadis, who zaps Lina. Lina is turned to stone. Zelgadis points the gun at Gourry.)
Gourry: Don't torture Lina! Take me instead!
(Rezo nods to Zelgadis, who zaps Gourry. Gourry is turned to stone. Zelgadis points the gun at Xelloss.)
Xelloss: (smiles) I'll see you later, Rezo.
(Rezo nods to Zelgadis, who zaps Xelloss. Xelloss is turned to stone. Rezo and Zelgadis notice Noonsa trying to sneak out of the lab. Zelgadis zaps Noonsa, who turns to stone. Martina, angry, stomps her way towards Rezo.)
Martina: My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you try to put a piece of Shabranidgo in the man I love, and when he didn't behave the way you wanted, you tossed him aside like an old coat for that walking filet, Noonsa! (teary-eyed) I loved you... but you just take and take and take like a sponge! You're going to have to choose between me and that good-for-nothing Noonsa!
(Rezo lowers his head in thought)
Rezo: (quietly) I see... (pause) I choose neither of you.
(Rezo nods to Zelgadis, who zaps Martina. She is turned to stone. Rezo leans on a nearby wall, looking forlorn and tired.)
Rezo: (sighs) It's not easy trying to resurrect the Dark Lord Shabranidgo. Even smiling makes my face ache.
(Zelgadis and Naga exchange glances. Naga walks up to Rezo.)
Naga: AUGH! When do I get that sake you promised, huh? I grow weary of this madness.
Rezo: Naga... Zelgadis... I am indeed grateful to both of you. You have served me well. Loyalty such as yours must be rewarded, and you will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.
Zelgadis: (sternly, angrily) I ask for nothing!
Naga: And I want my sake!
Rezo: (authoritative, determined) And you shall receive both inabundance! (glances at the stone statues) Come! We are ready for the floor show! (walks off)
(Zelgadis and Naga glance at each other, exchanging menacing smirks and a slight giggle. Fade into Vrumugun's den.)
Vrumugun: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, Lina and Gourry would find themselves battling the hordes of evil again. But, it was to be in a situation in which they couldn't have forseen. And, just a few hours after destryoing a black dragon, they had both been reduced to their underwear and mercilessly... (strains to say this word, bigsweats)...tickled... by their host, a mad man of little morals and some persuasion.
(Slow fade to black)
Vrumugun: What further indignities were they to be subjected to... ? And what of the sonic anime transducer and the floorshow that had been spoken of? What indeed? From what had gone before it was clear that this was to be no picnic.
(INTERMISSION while the fanfic author beats back the demons of lemonness and hentainess back with whips and chains, ignoring the irony of employing such weapons. The demons' advance is halted, but not before giving the fanfic author a merciless wedgie.)
Author: (in a high-pitched voice) And now...
(The fanfic author gets blinsided by Prince Philoneil.)
Philoneil: Even a pacifist like I can't forgive a fanfic like this! PACIFIST CRUSH!
(Prince Philoneil beats up the fanfic author in a scene which he DEFINITELY is not going to write.)
SCENE 8:
(A large, ornate theatre. The statues of Lina, Gourry, Martina and Noonsa are onstage, dressed in black stockings, black high-heel shoes, suspenders and black underwear. Rezo is sitting in the front row of the otherwise-empty audience seating area. He is wearing similar attire to the statues.)
Rezo: (smiling) Let the floor show begin!
(The stone spell on Lina is lifted. She looks around, a bit dazed.)
Lina: What happened? (notices what she's wearing) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(full-body blush, turns to Rezo) I'm going to get you for this!
(The stone spell on Gourry is lifted. His eyes fall on Lina. His eyes are as wide as saucers, and a trickle of blood escapes his nose.)
Gourry: Augh! Lina! You... you...
Lina: (balls up, shouts irately while blushing) I know! And so are you!
(Gourry looks confused, but then looks at himself. His face turns beet red, and he tries to hide behind the Martina statue. The stone spell on Martina is lifted. She embraces Gourry.)
Martina: Oh, my dear Gourry! You'll save me from the bad priest, won't you?
(Lina stomps up to Martina and Gourry and kicks both of them.)
Lina: (angrily) Now's no time for this!
(The stone spell on Noonsa is lifted. He sees Lina, blushes, and runs after her.)
Noonsa: (shouting) I LOVE YOU! Come give me a kiss!
Lina: ACK! I hate fish!
(Noonsa chases Lina around stage, while Gourry tries to pry Martina off of him.)
Gourry: (straining) Let me go! I have to save Lina!
Martina: (whiny) Save me first!
Noonsa: (panting) Just one kiss! (puckers up)
Lina: (panicking) NEVER!
Rezo: (laughs from the audience seating) Very amusing, dear friends. Now if you'll allow me to... (pulls out a stone tablet) ...try my new invention...
(Rezo starts to chant. Lina freezes in place. Noonsa runs into her and is thrown back. A flash of light surrounds Lina. When it subsides, she has oni's horns on her head, and her outfit is now tiger-striped. She turns to Gourry and starts to fly towards him.)
Lina: Dar-ling! Daaaar-ling!
(A flash of light surrounds Gourry. When it subsides, his hair is brown, and he has a bokken in his hands. He embraces Martina.)
Gourry: (deep voice) Curly-haired girl... (shouted) I will date you!
(Martina swoons. Lina gets angry.)
Lina: You're cheating on me again, Dar-ling!
Gourry: (sees Lina and smiles widely) Ah! My pigtailed goddess!
(Lina sends electrical energy towards Gourry and Martina. They are electrified. When Lina stops her attack, both are smoldering. A flash of light surrounds Martina. When it subsides, her hair is short, straight and brown. She is wearing a brown miniskirt and a clean-pressed button down shirt. She glares hatefully at Gourry, flinging him off of her.)
Martina: (indignantly) CAPTAIN! How dare you do that while on duty!
Gourry: (comes to, sees Martina) AH! Akane Tendo!
(Lina chases Gourry, who is chasing Martina. A flash of light surrounds Noonsa. When it subsides, his blond hair wig now has long ponytails. He is also wearing a sailor fuku.)
Noonsa: (triumphantly) In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!
(Noonsa chases after the group on stage. Rezo is laughing hysterically. Offstage, Xelloss, sitting in his wheelchair and covered by a blanket, undoes the stone spell cast on him.)
Xelloss: (sighs in relief, smiles) Thank goodness that's done...
(looks at the pandemonium on stage, bigsweats) Oh my...I had better do something about this before...
(A flash of light surrounds Xelloss. When it subsides, his hair is long and silvery-gray. Anger is apparent on his face.)
Xelloss: (determinedly) ...before that bitch, A-ko, steals C-ko away from me again!
(Xelloss rolls on stage and joins the chase. Pandemonium on stage ensues while Rezo shakes with laughter.)
Martina: (fleeing blindly) CAPTAIN!
Gourry: (swinging his bokken at Martina) Akane Tendo, I will date you!
Lina: (firing electricity at Gourry) You won't date anyone but me, Darling!
Noonsa: In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!
Xelloss: (chasing Noonsa) C-ko! Come back!
Rezo: (triumphantly holds up his stone tablet) It works! The sonic anime transducer works! With this, and my legion of Devil Fish, the world will be MINE!
(Rezo laughs hysterically while the madness onstage continues. Everything stops when the stone tablet in Rezo's hand is struck by magical energy, causing it to shatter into hundreds of pieces. Lina, Gourry, Martina, Noonsa and Xelloss are freed from their enchantments, but are still clad in the black underwear, stockings, suspenders and high-heel shoes.)
Rezo: (startled) What...?
(All eyes fall to the back of the theatre. Zelgadis and Naga, in their normal attire, stand in front of one of the exits. Zelgadis, sword drawn, and Naga, suspending a Freeze Arrow in front of her,advance to the stage.)
Gourry: Who's that?
(Gourry tries to lean forward, but accidentally puts his hand on Lina's breasts. She is enraged.)
Lina: (shouts) Don't touch me there! DIEM WING!
(Lina sends Gourry hurtling towards the ceiling! He hits the ceiling with a loud crash, then falls back on to the stage with a dull thud. Zelgadis and Naga continue their advance.)
Zelgadis: Rezo! It's all over!
Naga: Your mission is a failure!
Zelgadis: You are now our prisoner!
Naga: And we have activated the transit beam! (whooping laugh)
Rezo: (enraged) WHAT? How dare you?
Zelgadis: (angrily) How dare I? You were the one who gave me this accursed body! I never wanted to be a monster!
Naga: And did you honestly think I'd betray Lina Inverse, the sidekick chick?
Lina: (angrily) Who's the sidekick chick?!?
Xelloss: (sitting atop Noonsa) I believe she was referring to you.
Lina: (angrily, to Xelloss) I KNEW THAT!
(Zelgadis and Naga surround Rezo. Zelgadis concentrates on a spell.)
Zelgadis: Now, Rezo, say good bye to all of this... and hello to oblivion!
Rezo: Zelgadis, don't...
(Martina comes to and sees Zelgadis and Naga about to attack Rezo. She screams, attracting Naga's attention.)
Naga: ICICLE LANCE!
(Naga hurls an ice shaft at Martina. It hits her right in the gut, and she is sent flying back off stage. Zelgadis charges at Rezo, swinging the Howling Sword at him. Rezo barely manages to deflect his attacks.)
Rezo: Fool! Do you think you can use that against me?
Zelgadis: (throws a sword at Gourry) Catch!
Gourry: Huh?
(The hilt of the sword hits Gourry on the head. He rubs his head, then stands up, holding the sword.)
Gourry: Oh! This is my sword! LIGHT, COME FORTH!
(Gourry's sword erupts in light. He begins to attack Rezo. Noonsa charges Naga.)
Naga: AUGH! I hate fish!
(Noonsa chases Naga around. Lina is stunned from having seen the Sword of Light.)
Lina: The Sword of Light? Gourry had it all along? (cheers
Gourry on) Go get him, Gourry! I'll go change into Something more decent!
Gourry: Hey! Wait a minute! (deflects a blow from Rezo) Whoa!
(Zelgadis and Gourry continue their assault on Rezo, but the warring parties are evenly matched. Lina tries to slip off stage, but is stopped by Xelloss.)
Lina: Hey! What's the big idea?
Xelloss: You should help out, you know.
Lina: (angrily) I will, as soon as I change!
Xelloss: Oh, I see... you're far more patient than I, Lina... if someone kidnapped me... (Lina balls up her left fist)...and felt me up... (Lina balls up her right fist)...and changed my clothing... (Lina turns red with anger)...after turning me to stone... (steam bursts from Lina's ears) ...I'd want to get revenge right...
(Lina storms past Xelloss.)
Lina: Rezo! I'm going to blow you away!
Gourry: (panicks) She's going to use the Dragon Slave!
Lina: You bet! Don't move, Gourry!
Gourry: (bigsweats) WHAT?!?
Lina: (wink and a smile) Trust me!
(Zelgadis grabs Naga and leaves the auditorium.)
Lina: Darkness from twilight, Crimson from blood that flows...Buried in the flow of time... In thy great name, I pledge myself to thee. Let the fools that stand before us be destroyed By the power that you and I possess. GOURRY! Attack him now! (Gourry nods and leaps to strike.) DRAGON SLAAAVE!!!!
(Lina aims the destructive magical energy at Gourry's sword of light. The Sword of Light absorbs the energy. Gourry strikes Rezo, who splits in half and disappears in a flash of light. Noonsa rams Gourry and kneels where Rezo last stood.)
Noonsa: (crying) Master! You killed the master! (angrily)
I will kill you both! Prepare to face the wrath of...
Zelgadis: (from outside) Ra-Tilt!
(Zelgadis's spell absorbs and consumes Noonsa. He is gone. An agitated Zelgadis re-enters, followed by Naga.)
Naga: (whooping laugh) That was too easy!
Zelgadis: (without looking back) You didn't do anything.
Naga: (bigsweats) You just didn't see it.
Zelgadis: Gold fish feces.
(Naga wobbles.)
Gourry: (nervous giggle) Thanks for helping us, but why did
you do it? I thought that you liked him and he liked you and stuff...
Zelgadis: (shouting angrily) They didn't like me! HE NEVER LIKED ME!
Lina: (muttered to self) Okay, Mr. Touchy...
Xelloss: (smiles, to Zelgadis) You did good. It had to be done.
Zelgadis: (looks away, speaking to Xelloss) I'm sorry about your...henchman.
Xelloss: (smirks) Perhaps it's for the best, right?
(Zelgadis does not respond.)
Lina: Well, all's well that ends well, right? Now I'm going to go find my clothes before...
(The whole castle shakes and rumbles. Zelgadis and Naga address the party.)
Lina: (whines, teary-eyed) I've got to stop saying things like that!
Naga: We should leave while we still can.
Zelgadis: This whole castle is going to be launched into outer space!
(All panic and run. They dart through the castle and escape just as the castle leaves the ground. They stand together and watch as the castle disappears into space.)
Zelgadis: And so end the mad plans of Rezo the Red Priest.
Naga: A fitting end for one so warped and perverted.
(A pause. Lina walks over to Gourry and gives him a hug.)
Lina: (softly) Gourry...
Gourry: (returns the hug, nods) It's over...
Lina: (looks up to his face, smiling) Can I have your Sword of Light?
Gourry: (lets go) WHAT?
Lina: (tries to grab the Sword of Light) C'mon! Gimme gimme gimme!
Gourry: (trying to hold onto the sword) I can't just give it away. It's a family heirloom!
(Lina and Gourry continue to bicker. Zelgadis and Naga watch.)
Zelgadis: So immature.
Naga: (nods) Yes, they are. But I think we should give them their clothes back now.
Zelgadis: (bigsweats) I thought that YOU had the clothes...
Naga: (bigsweats) We agreed that YOU were supposed to bring them...
(Lina and Gourry stop bickering. They face Zelgadis and Naga.)
Gourry: You mean...
Lina: (panicked) ...our clothes are (points to the sky) up there?!?
(Gourry and Lina fall to their knees, tears shooting from their eyes like sprinklers.)
Lina and Gourry: No way!
(Xelloss, who is now in his normal priest's robes, and standing, clears his throat.)
Xelloss: Maybe those people have an outfit they could lend you.
(Lina and Gourry turn around. The angry mob from the destroyed village are charging up the hill.)
Zelgadis: (looks at the mob) I'm guessing they're not friends of yours...
Naga: (sternly) What did you do this time, Lina?
Lina: (nervous chuckle) Oh, nothing really... just accidentally destroyed a village.
(Xelloss calls down to the mob.)
Xelloss: Excuse me! Do you have any spare clothing that we could borrow for a few days? (A bottle smashes into his face) Was that a yes?
Lina: (whines) I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm scantily clad, and now I have to run again! (leaps onto Gourry's back) Carry me, Gourry. I'll fight them off with the Sword of Light!
(Before Gourry has time to respond to that, the angry mob advances on the group. Gourry (carrying Lina), Zelgadis, Naga, and Xelloss turn and run. The mob chases them. Fade into Vrumugun's den.)
Vrumugun: And crawling on the planet's face some insects, called the human race... lost in time, and lost in space, and meaning.
(Vrumugun closes his book and gently places it on his desk. He stands to leave. A nearby wall is blown away. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Naga and Xelloss run through it.)
Lina: (while running) Sorry about that!
Gourry: (while running) Nice den by the way!
Zelgadis: (while running) You might want to start running, too.
(As the group runs by, Vrumugun looks through the hole in the wall. He sees the angry mob approaching. A slight trace of worry is on his face.)
Vrumugun: Oh, no.
(Vrumugun follows Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Naga and Xelloss. The angry mob chases after all of them.)
THE END
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
8/5/98
First and foremost, yes, I am a sick puppy. But for the record, I did keep my promise to not make this into lemony, pulpy smut. Just imagine how proud I was when I saw my work posted on Cosmo's factory! (The URL is http://www.cosmosfactory.org/) However, in my writing, I made the fatal mistake of enclosing stage descriptions and blocking in pointy brackets. I did Anime Facefault #317 when I saw what I had done. Sheepishly, I admit to having said, in my workplace, "My stage directions! My lovely stage directions! Gone! (whimper)" Hopefully, this version won't hide the blocking and stage descriptions like its predecesor. Many thanks to Cosmo for posting my script. It's nice to know that this isn't merely a misguided expression induced by RHPS withdrawal. 8)
I also extend thanks to Stefan Gagne for his helpful suggestions and appreciated support. He's got some commendable Slayers stories; check them out at www.pixelscapes.com/slayers, and tell him that Scott sent you. 8)
I apologize if the script method of writing was annoying. I have found that it is difficult for me to write in a novel format since I picture the scenes and images in my mind much like a viewer watches scenes in a television show. I just find it easier to write stage/screen directions than to write a paragraph in which "her ruby red tresses swayed in the smooth summer wind as she slowly paced to her beloved..." and whatnot. Whether they be compliments or condemnations, friendly or flames, it would be nice to know if somebody actually read this. So if you have a moment, drop me a line at woofersan@home.com.
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