Sairogooine. The desert world. Baked in the sizzling rays of twin suns. All beach, no ocean. And, yet, plenty of airhead, valley girl/boy-types to go around. Go figure. Sairogooine is also home to a number of galactic armpits, like Most Greasy Spaceport and the infamous compound of Martina the Hut, scantily-clad Ganster/Loan Shark extraordinaire. It’s a sprawling structure, made of native adobe, which blends into the desert landscape surrounding it. Except for the green toad-creature living on the roof that takes care of any flying pests. Casa Martina is a buzzing hive of bad clothes, worse hair and big rip-offs. Here, the scum of the galaxy come to party it on down in one of Martina’s four, hoppin’ juke joints, lose their money in Martina’s (rigged) casino, and get "right" in any of three bars, two crack dens and at one mother of a hookah. Martina, herself, does not partake; not because she’s into clean living or anything, she just thinks stoners are mighty fine comedy and enjoys them better when she’s sober. Martina lounges languidly on her rhinestone be-spangled, custom-built, cotton candy pink, anti-grav lounging platform, eatin’ a Moon Pie and suckin’ on an RC Cola. Beside her sits her minion of the hour, one Zangulus, who (unbeknownst to the Hut) has infiltrated this pit of infamy as part of Lina Inverse’s clever (depending on your point of view) plan to rescue Gourry, who’s currently employed as decor, being encased in carbonite and hung on a far wall. It takes a real man to wear tights, especially in the metal answer to shrink wrap. Carbonite is doing nothing good for his ‘do, and the look on Gourry’s frozen face isn’t, well, good for the digestion. This is why he’s hung AWAY from the eating areas.

Martina: And he was so cute before he was frozen, too!

She takes another bite of Moon Pie and washes it down with a swig of RC Cola. Zangulus, who from where he’s standing can see from here to Miami, as they say, is digging on Martina’s…uh…wardrobe, and doesn’t immediately notice when Zelgadis enters the room swathed in mysterious-looking black robes and carrying a long, dark-gray, metal staff with a ruby-eyed dragon wrapped around it, worked in what appears to be gold. Zel has Martina’s attention before he even opens his mouth. She sits up, fixes her hair and straightens her outfit, pushing herself up even more than usual. Zangulus chokes and sweats.

Martina: Hi there. Is that real gold?

Zelgadis: It’s whatever you want it to be, O Great and Lovely Hut.

His voice sends shivers down Martina’s spine. Zelgadis tries really hard not to retch. Flattery was Lina’s idea, and Zel is only going along with it because Lina has been dealing with Martina a lot longer than he has. Martina slinks.

Martina: Ohhh! Then I want it to be real gold, and you to be as exciting as your voice, you silver-tongued devil! Come closer. Let’s have a look under that hood!

Zelgadis: Why spoil the surprise? You may call me Rock. I am a gift from His Excellency Lord Xellos Vader, dark lord of the Sith and commander of the entire Imperial Fleet. Your "business" dealings have attracted His Excellency’s attention. You…excite him.

Martina: Then why send a minion?

Zelgadis: As I said: I am a gift. You may do with me whatever you wish. I am at your command, Fabulous One, your slave, if you will. The staff I carry is also a gift, specially designed by His Excellency for your…pleasure.

Martina needs a drool bucket at this point. Zelgadis, on the other hand, needs a Dramamine. Zangulus is having nice fantasies about eliminating the competition, then he remembers this is all just a big act on Zelgadis’ part. Zel doesn’t really seem to like girls. Or boys. We’re not sure what Zel’s into, he plays it even closer to the chest than Xellos does (well, there was that one "girl", but "she" turned out to be "he"). What we do know is Martina ain’t his type, but he’s a damn fine actor when his job’s on the line (and Lina threatens to barnacle him in his sleep again). What Lina’s hang-up is with Blondie the Trained Chimp is way beyond Zelgadis’ ability to comprehend. Then again, so is Lina, so he just goes with this latest fascination of hers, confident that it will soon blow over. Meanwhile, he’s supposed to get Martina all hot and bothered so she’ll take him off to her boudoir, leaving her House of Ill Repute unguarded so Lina can sneak in, lay a sleep spell on everybody else and she and Zangulus can nick off with Gourry. This should be interesting, thinks Zelgadis cynically, wondering how badly and in what way Lina’s plan will screw up, and what affect that will have on his person and future employment. Hopefully, he won’t have to beg Martina for a job. Or, worse, go back to Rezo in the swamp. For his part, once the Hut is seduced into her, uh, lair, Zelgadis is supposed to use his "magic staff" to work some magic violence upon the Hut (who just wants to get some noogies, fer cryin’ out loud! Is that such crime?).

Martina: So, what do we do with it? (slink, purr)

Zelgadis: Whatever you define as "pleasure", my sweet little piece of eye candy.

Martina: Aw, c’mon! Please let me see under your hood! Please?!

Zelgadis: Anticipation can only heighten your experience, luscious one.

Damn! He picked a bad day to quit smoking!

Martina: Are you wearing anything under that cloak?

Zelgadis: Boots.

And a small arsenal of high-powered energy weapons, a couple of vials of poison and a large mace, but Zelgadis keeps that part to himself. Oh, yeah: And gray cotton boxers and a Bulls T-Shirt (da-Bullss). There, Amelia, does that answer your question? BOXERS, DARN IT! BOXERS! Martina looks down at Zelgadis’ black, snakeskin, silver-toed, cockroach killers.

Martina: And a very nice pair of boots they are, too. Pity I’ll have to remove them so soon.

Zelgadis: Not soon enough.

Martina: Shall we try out that staff, my little love toy.

Zelgadis: I am at your command, Mistress.

A raise. A really big raise. And a bigger cabin. Yessir, Lina owes him big time! And the big, blonde doofus will be doing Zel’s laundry till the Banthas come home! Or sitting on Amelia. One or the other. All of this after Zelgadis’ stomach and nerves have recovered from this harrowing experience. Of course, he would shortly have the pleasure of knocking the Hut senseless, ending his torment in a single well-placed stroke. First the Hut, then the nut (job, schmob). So, Zelgadis allows himself to be led to the slaughter—er, Martina’s boudoir, where he wastes no time in wonking the Hut on the head. She passes out instantly. Now all Zel has to do is wait for Lina to show up (and wonk the Hut again if she comes to). Sure, he could’ve put a sleep spell on her, but he and Lina have had enough of Martina’s bullying and owe her a good smacking around (Lina’s reasoning).

Meanwhile, out in the House of Ill Repute, Lina sneaks in wearing a Jawa outfit and goes to work putting everybody but Zangulus to sleep. That done, she and Zangulus work the mechanism that lowers Gourry-the-haut-decor to the floor and start figuring out how to unfreeze him. Unbeknownst to Lina and Zangulus, they have an audience: Vrumegun the bounty hunter is only pretending to be asleep and is watching them through slitted eyes. When he’s sure they’re too distracted to notice, he slips off to the Hut’s bedroom, certain she’d like to know about this one. Too bad he doesn’t get to deliver his message: Zelgadis whacks him on the head with the dragon staff as soon as he slithers through the door, solving that little problem before it even materializes. Zel resettles himself on the edge of the pink velvet covered, heart-shaped bed, so he can keep an eye on both of his charges, pulls a pack of cigarettes out of an inside pocket in his cape and lights up. People would expect to smell cigarette smoke after what he and Martina were supposed to have been doing in there. Zelgadis just lets it burn, being very determined to stay quit (though Lina really tries his resolve). Of course, a guy with a big ruby stuck to his forehead, like Vrumegun does, must have a pretty hard head…Oh-oh. Hey, Zel! Pay attention!

Back in the main room…

Gourry: Ah! I’m blind! I’m blind!

Lina slaps her hand over his mouth before he wakes anybody up. She hisses in his ear:

Lina: Will you relax! It’s me, Lina. You just have hibernation sickness from being frozen in carbonite so long. Your eyes’ll be ok in a few hours.

Gourry: LINA!

Gourry throws his arms around her and hugs her so hard she fears her ribs’ll break and plants zillions of kisses all over her head. She tries to wriggle out of his grasp, but he holds on tight, tears streaming down his face, and Lina realizes the big dummy was really scared (not that she wouldn’t have been if someone had frozen her in carbonite). Lina hesitantly hugs back (but kissing is absolutely out of the question).

Lina: Hey, it’s ok now. You’re safe. We just have to get you out of here. Do you think you can walk? If you can’t, you can lean on Zangulus, he’s a lot bigger than I am.

Gourry nods, then shakes his head, then shrugs.

Gourry: I’ll try.

And he does, only to lose his footing and be caught by Zangulus who throws one of Gourry’s arms over his shoulder.

Gourry: You really came back for me!

Lina: Yeah, go figure.

Gourry: What about Zel—Zel—um…Zelgadis?

Lina: Hey! You said it right! He’s taking care of Martina, but he’s here, too.

Gourry: Bet you had to really talk him into helping me, huh?

Zangulus: Nah! Zel’s a good guy. Let’s go, OK? Lina’ll get Zelgadis. You just worry about walking for now.

Lina: Right. I won’t be too long.

Lina dashes off to fetch Zel, feeling bad for Gourry, who seems convinced Zelgadis hates his guts. Maybe it isn’t that bad, but it’s kind of hard to really like somebody who can’t say your name right. Wait till she tells Zel Gourry can say his whole name now; the poor guy’ll probably faint from shock. And speaking of shocks, that’s what Vrumegun has in store for Lina as soon as she enters the bedroom. She barely has time to realize Zelgadis is out cold on the floor and Martina is rubbing her head and crying before the bounty hunter zaps her, then everything goes dark.

Not too much later…

Martina: You are so dead, Inverse! You, too, Zelgadis! "Gift from Xellos" my foot! But you’re still gonna be my plaything, you stony jerk! That’ll teach you to mess with Martina the Hut’s feelings!

Lina, Zelgadis (minus cloak, staff and small arsenal) and a rather dazed and confused (more than usual) Gourry stand before the Hut, Gourry supported between Lina and Zel. Zangulus has escaped Martina’s wrath by telling her he had discovered their plot and foiled it since he’s so doggone in love with her (that part’s true).

Martina: Guard! Lock Gourry in the dungeon, throw Lina into the giant slug pit, and put Zelgadis into attire more appropriate for my personal love toy! And a leash! I want him on a leash, too! A pink one! With big, ugly rhinestones! Maximize the humiliation factor! That jerk HIT ME!

Lina: What if I paid you?

Martina: Hmph! Too late now! You should’ve thought of that before you sent your thug to beat me up! I might have been reasonable if you’d have just asked me to free Gourry, you never know!

Lina: Yeah, right. And I’m a Dark Lord. Give me a break!

Martina: Give a girl a break and you get broken!

Lina: What’s that mean?

Martina: I have no idea. Guard! Obey me!

The guard (not Zangulus; he’s in the boudoir) waves to his buddies, two of whom drag Gourry away. Another one throws a kicking, screaming and flare arrow-spitting Lina over his shoulder and heads off in another direction. It takes a full dozen really big guys to haul Zelgadis off to Wardrobe, and twice that many to dress him up (or "down", depending upon your point of view) in something that’s both humiliating and sleezy.

Zelgadis: A bunny suit?

Guard: A Playboy Bunny suit, you idiot.

Zelgadis: I can’t walk in these pumps.

Guard: You don’t need to walk, dope. You just need to strike a pretty pose.

Zelgadis: I don’t DO "pretty".

Guard: Fake it.

Zelgadis: And if I refuse?

Guard: If you have gods, pray to them, for you shall see them soon after.

Zelgadis: I see. A pretty pose, you say?

Guard: That’s the spirit.

Zelgadis: And you’re quite certain the slug pit is absolutely out of the question?

Guard: Lina gets the slugs, you get the stiletto heels. Deal with it. You look good in come-get-me pumps, but that body suit makes you look fat.

Zelgadis: Funny, I always thought black was supposed to be a slimming color.

Guard: Maybe it’s the rhinestone collar and leash.

Zelgadis: They are a bit much.

Guard: Or possibly the handcuffs.

Zelgadis: Definitely overkill.

As they talk, they make their way through the Hut’s House of Ill Repute, back to the main audience chamber, where Martina awaits, smoking with Zangulus. Zelgadis can’t shake the feeling that his guard’s voice sounds eerily familiar, but he figures it’s just a figment of his fervent desire to be rescued. Zangulus has the Sword of Light hanging off his belt, which is the first thing Zelgadis notices. The next thing he notices is a copy of the Karma Sutra laying open in Martina’s lap. Oh to be able to die at will…

Guard: Well, here we are! Your new home! Try to look lovely, kid. Make the girls proud.

Zelgadis: You’re sure about the slugs?

Martina: No slugs for you! Now, come to mamma!

Zelgadis: I hate my life.

Martina yanks on the leash and Zelgadis flies onto the dais and falls to his knees in front of the Hut (well, he did say he can’t walk in high heels). This is going to be a loooooong day.

Meanwhile, down in the slug pit, Lina is getting acquainted with her new phobia.

Lina: Gah! Slugs! Ugh! The slime! This is so gross!

Suddenly Lina realizes there’s another Human in the slug pit, hovering a couple of feet over and to the left of her head. The Princess is dressed in a hot, little red number with matching red go-go boots and a red headband with her hair all teased out. If she starts singing Supremes songs, then we worry.

Lina: Amelia! Omigoshamigladtoseeyougetmeoutofhererightnow—

Amelia: Uhhh…

Lina: --theseslugsaretotallygrossingmeoutican’tstanditomigoshyou—

Amelia: Lina…

Lina: -gottagetmeoutofhereAmeliai’llputinagoodwordforyouwithZel—

Amelia: Lina!

Lina: isweari’llgetyouadatewithhimifyou’lljustgetmeoutofthisplace—

Amelia: WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR A SECOND?!

Lina shuts up.

Amelia: Thank you. (she offers Lina her hand) Now lets get out of here, OK?

Lina takes Amelia’s hand and they float out of the pit. On the way up, Amelia asks:

Amelia: Have you seen what that pervert has done to Zelgadis?!

Lina: I just remember her saying something about putting him into attire more appropriate for her personal love slave.

Amelia: He’s a bunny.

Lina: Oookaaay…

Amelia: A Playboy bunny.

Lina: You mean, in a satin leotard and spiky heels?

Amelia: Actually, he looks kind of good in heels, but you should see the collar and leash she’s got on him: TACK-KEE!

Lina: You’re kidding.

Amelia: And handcuffs.

Lina: He’s gonna be in a really bad mood…

They land, and Lina notices Amelia’s outfit for the first time.

Lina: You know, Princess, I don’t think Zel’s going to be in the right frame of mind to appreciate you in a mini skirt.

Amelia: Sigh! I guess you’re right. I mean, what if he looks better as a girl than I do? I’ll be so humiliated!

Lina: You’re really weird, Amelia.

Amelia: Well, I’m not the one dressed up as a Jawa, now am I?

Lina: You were expecting, maybe, a Wookie?

Amelia: Or a slug.

Lina takes a swing at Amelia and misses. She tries a kick but that misses, too. Lina stares really hard at her companion, engages her third eye (for psychic stuff; it’s cool), and, as she suspected…

Lina: Hey! You’re not Amelia! Who are you?!

Amelia: I’m the person who rescued you from the slug pit! Can we just go with it until we get Zelgadis and Gourry rescued, too?

Lina: No! I wanna know—

Amelia: Tough. (smacks her forehead) Almost forgot to ask: Do you want the Hut dead or alive?

Lina: Who’s asking?

Amelia: And that Zangulus guy. Is he on your side, or what?

Lina: Who are you? Where’s Amelia?

Amelia: You’re hopeless! Fine. I’ll wing it. Let’s go.

Lina: HEY! Let go of me!

Amelia grabs Lina by the wrist and drags her through the caverns wherein lies the slug pit, up the stairs to the main house (of ill repute), wherein lie many sleeping Hut minions, and into the main receiving hall, wherein lie many more sleeping minions, a sleeping Hut, a sleeping bounty hunter, a sleeping Hut-lover and one very much awake stone-fleshed, misanthropic Playboy Bunny who can’t figure out just what the bloody hell’s going on THIS TIME! Zelgadis is hanging by collar and leash from Martina’s sleeping hand (rigor mortis in sleep?) and can’t seem to break collar, leash or Hut hand to free himself. He also has one leg hooked behind his head, and Martina has one of his stiletto heels clutched in the hand not holding the leash. That’s the show-stopper that greets Lina and Amelia when they come crashing in. Correction: Lina and XELLOS.

Lina & Zel: XELLOS?!

Xellos: Surprise! Giggle!

Zel: Uh…I’m rescued?

Xellos: You’re so cute! I wish I had a camera right now! Nice pumps!

Zel: Just shut up and cut me loose. NOT YOU! Lina.

Xellos: You wound me, Zelgadis. And after I came all this way to rescue you, my beloved son. Ouch.

Zel: Yeah. Thanks, Dad. Whatever. What about Stupid?

Lina: Gourry. So, where is he, Xellos? We "came all this way" to rescue him, you know.

Lina steals the Sword of Light from Zangulus’ belt and cuts Zelgadis free of collar and leash. He unhooks his leg, rips off the other pump and throws it across the room. He casts about for something other than a leotard to wear, sees Vrumegun lying unconscious behind Martina and decides that jerk owes him a suit of clothes and steals Vrumegun’s outfit. Suited up like a guy again, Zelgadis is ready for action. Even if it does include three of the most annoying people in his life: Lina, Xellos and Gourry. Now all he needs to make his grouchy mood complete is Amelia. Although…he has to admit Amelia looks pretty cute as a red-clad go-go dancer (even if she was Xellos at the time).

Xellos: However did you get your leg up there? Giggle. Better question: why did you get your leg up there?

Zel: Get stuffed, Dad. Where’s Gourry?

Xellos: "Get stuffed"? Such language! I might have to ground you, Son.

Zel: Sorry. I misspoke: Get stuffed now, Dad.

Lina: (in Zel’s ear) He’s rescuing us, you idiot! Save it for later!

Xellos gives Lina a sweet, little peck on the cheek, turning her bright red with embarrassment and Zelgadis bright red with rage.

Zel: Enough! Just get the moron and let’s get out of here!

Xellos: And what shall I do about Zangulus and Martina the Hut?

Lina: Leave ‘em. They’re in love now, anyway, I’d hate to break ‘em up. I guess we can stick a note in Zang’s pocket, or something so he knows we escaped.

Xellos makes a fancy-pants gesture with his hand and a note magically appears in his palm. He tucks the note into Zangulus’ pocket then makes another pretty hand flip, and Gourry appears. He is, as usual, confused, though his vision is almost completely back to normal. Lina doesn’t give him time to ask what’s going on, she just grabs him and tugs him in the direction of the exit.

Lina: C’mon, Gourry, we’re leaving.

Gourry: But that’s that Xellos guy!

Zel: He’s rescuing us for reasons known only to himself but are doubtless of a nefarious nature.

Xellos: You can always stay here and be Martina’s love slave, my son.

Zel: But meanwhile, yes, he’s rescuing us. Go with it.

Gourry: Why did he call you "my son"?

Lina: Later! Let’s just get going before he changes his mind about this!

Xellos: Oh, no chance of that. I couldn’t possibly leave my darling Lina Inverse in a slug pit!

All others: "DARLING"?!

Xellos hooks his arm around Lina’s waist, yanks her to him and plants a monstrous kiss full on her lips, then throws her away from him, giggles and leads the way out of Casa Martina into the bright, Sairogooine sunshine. Lina turns red again, tries to say something suitably outraged, fails, gives up. She practically has to be carried out by Zelgadis, she’s so mortified. Gourry fumes with jealousy, but since Lina doesn’t seem to be returning Xellos’ interest, he keeps his mouth shut. Not that Lina has ever actually returned Gourry’s interest, or anything. Yet. He’s working on it, ok? Sort of like how Amelia’s working on it with Zelgadis. Only, Lina actually likes Gourry, whereas Zelgadis’ just sort of puts up with Amelia. Whatever. The upshot is, nobody has any kind of romantic interest in Xellos, since he’s this evil priest-guy who likes to keeps secrets from people and trick them and stuff like that. Though he is rather cute. In an evil, trickster, dark lord-serving, lingerie-free sort of way.

Having escaped Casa Martina with a little help from the guy they figured was their worst enemy, Lina and her chums are back on the Millenium Fireball, headed to the new, spaceship-bound Rebel base where Princess Amelia eagerly awaits news of her big crush, Zelgadis. Though the Blue One doesn’t look nearly as silly in Vrumegun’s robes as he did in a Playboy Bunny leotard, he still looks a tad femme (except for those really cool snakeskin boots). Like Amelia cares. Contacted by com, the Princess just gushes about how happy she is that Zelgadis is safe, only belatedly remembering to say she’s happy everybody else is safe, too—and, oh, by the way, where’s Zangulus?

Lina: Probably getting married to Martina by now.

Zelgadis: He has the worst taste in women.

Gourry: Yeah! She is not a nice girl! She threw Lina into a slug pit!

Amelia: EW!

Lina: And made Zelgadis wear—

Zelgadis smacks a hand over Lina’s mouth to stop her, but she gets free and finishes her sentence anyway at high speed.

Lina: --a Playboy Bunny outfit with spiky heels and pink rhinestone collar and leash! He was her personal love slave! Giggle!

Amelia: No way! That slut!

Gourry: Yeah (ha-ha) he did look kinda sleezy!

Zelgadis: Not me, mush-for-brains, Martina!

Gourry: Heh. Her, too.

Amelia: A little leotard, huh? Hmmm…

Amelia slips off into her own, warm and fuzzy, little lustful dimension and the others just roll their eyes.

Lina: Oh! Hey! You’ll never guess who rescued us!

Long pause.

Lina: SNAP OUT OF IT, PRINCESS!

Amelia: Huh? What?!

Lina: I said, "you’ll never guess who rescued us".

Amelia: Xellos?

Blink. Blink.

Gourry: She guessed.

Amelia: No way! Xellos? Really? You’re kidding! I was right?!

Others: Uh-uh.

Amelia: Why would he rescue you? I thought he was the bad guy!

Lina: So did I, but he is kind of a fruitcake. Maybe he’s finally gone over the edge and can’t remember who’s playing for which team.

Gourry: He should start wearing underwear. It’ll keep his brains from rolling around.

Pause.

Zelgadis: Well, that explains a lot.

Lina: No kidding. I always thought that’s where guys kept their brains.

Amelia: Wow…yeah. Me, too.

Zelgadis: I keep my brain in my skull, you perverts.

Lina and Gourry look at Zel’s lap, Amelia does the same from the com screen. Zelgadis quickly slaps his hands over himself (even though he’s fully dressed) and turns bright red.

Zelgadis: You people are sick, you know that? Sick!

Amelia: Well, we don’t know! I mean, you’re our first chimera! And you do seem REAL determined to get your old body back…for all we know something might have gotten, you know, lost in the transition when Rezo changed you into a—

Zelgadis: ENOUGH!

Zel spins his chair around and stalks off the bridge in a supernova of a rage.

Amelia: *GASP*! It is missing! Oh, poor Zelgadis! This could put a real kink in our relationship.

Lina: Oh, put a sock in it, Amelia! Of course it’s not missing— I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. Bye, Princess.

Lina shuts down the com, throws the ship into autopilot and goes back to console her partner. Or possibly to get to the bottom of this little debate. She can’t believe she’s even thinking about that! Gah! Amelia’s starting to rub off on her! Gourry sits in the navigator’s chair in a state of mild shock for a moment at the idea of girls actually discussing THAT, then realizes where Lina has gone and runs to catch up with her. This is not the sort of thing a girl should be consoling a man about, he thinks; girls just don’t understand. Not that he wants to know, or anything. I mean, Gourry’s a MAN’S man. Likes girls. A lot. Really. He catches up to Lina and, after winning an argument over who Zelgadis would least like to talk to just then, finds Zel for a man-to-man talk. He makes a point of using Zelgadis’ full, correct, name straight away. This tactic startles Zelgadis so much that he lets Gourry engage him in a conversation he wouldn’t ordinarily have with anybody. Not even his mother. After about ten minutes, Gourry returns to the bridge and a waiting Lina, all smiles.

Lina: So, is Amelia toast?

Gourry: Yep.

Lina: And…um…how is Zel?

Gourry: A man.

Lina: That’s not what I meant…

Gourry: He’s really mad at Amelia, but he’ll be ok. He’s just kind of shy around girls, and Amelia’s really outgoing, if you know what I mean.

Lina: Yep.

Pause.

Lina: He’s not mad at me, is he?

Gourry: What did you do?

Lina: I’ll take that as a "no".

Gourry: He’s not mad at me about his name anymore, either. I said it right. He liked that.

Lina: Well, a name’s kind of important to a person. It’s who they are.

Gourry: Anyway, he’s ok now. Amelia’s dead, though.

Lina: Sucks to be her!

Gourry: You said it!

Much later, the Rebels are hatching a clever plan to blow up the Empire’s new Deathstar. Ok, so it’s the same stupid plan as before, only this time they plan to send in somebody who actually knows what he’s doing: Zangulus Calrisian. Then they discover Zangulus didn’t return with the others from Sairogooine, so they ask Lina if she’ll do it, but Lina’s already going downworld with Zelgadis, Gourry and Amelia to sabotage the power generator that’s controlling the energy shield around the Deathstar. Right. They ask Gourry, but he’s determined to go with Lina. A room full of experienced pilots, and the Rebel leaders just keep asking the new kids. (Well, they can’t very well send in a character we’ve never heard of, now can they?!) But wait! Here’s somebody so green and clueless about flying spaceships, she’s perfect for the job!

Firia: Oh no! Me?! But, I don’t know how to fly a spaceship!

Amelia: I thought your kind hated Mozoku.

Firia: We do, but—

Amelia: This is your big chance to kill hundreds of them, AND the Lord Emporer of Nightmares, all at once! You’ll chalk up a big one for all dragonkind for what those Mozoku did to you! It’s your big chance to strike a blow for justice, Firia! You have to help us!

Firia finds that idea supremely appealing, but refuses to fly all by herself. So they send this nice, shy, princess named Sylfiel with her. The girls hit it off immediately and happily go together for a crash course in flying a spaceship and blowing up big battle stations (ooh, I used the words "crash" and "spaceship" in the same sentence). That little problem solved, the Rebels pack Lina, Zelgadis, Gourry and Amelia off on a stolen Imperial shuttle, complete with stolen passwords to get through the energy shield. Zelgadis refuses to speak to Amelia, even when she takes to pounding on him with her fists and yelling in his ear. Lina finally smacks her with a sleep spell, so she can concentrate on flying and tricking the Mozoku into thinking she’s one of them. Little does Lina know that she sort of IS one of them by virtue of having channeled the Lord Emporer of Nightmares when she blasted the other Deathstar to bits with a Gigaslave, so tricking them should be a snap. That, and Xellos is on the Deathstar and makes them let Lina through. You know, he’s turning out to be pretty handy for a kinky, little fruitcake who won’t wear undergarments.

On the planet…

Lina: Ok, troops! Let’s split up and find the power generator!

Guard 1: Look! Rebels! You go warn the C.O. and I’ll shoot at them uselessly to give you time to get away!

Guard 2: Right! Don’t forget, you’re not allowed to actually kill any of the main characters! Just the "spare" Rebels on the away team!

Guard 1: Righto! See you in the afterlife!

He starts blasting away at the Rebels, who just stand there, having read the script and being very familiar with the basic law of action/adventure dramas. The other Rebels get blasted, but Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia are just fine. That is, they think Amelia’s fine. She seems to have disappeared. Then Zel notices the other speeder bike is missing.

Zel: Twit.

Lina: What was she thinking?

Gourry: Oh, great. Good one, Zelgadis! You hurt her feelings, now she’s gone off somewhere to cry or something. Girls!

Lina: I think she’s just trying to keep that other Mozoku guy from warning anybody about us, Gourry. I’m sure this has nothing to do with Zel.

Zel: Wanna bet? She’s just weird enough to think I’d actually get all worried about her and go rushing after her on that other speeder bike over there.

Long, uncomfortable pause. Lina and Gourry stare at Zelgadis.

Zel: Don’t look at me like that. I’m not getting myself killed to keep that little hero-worshipping dimwit happy!

Stare.

Zel: I’m not going.

Stare. Zelgadis puts his hands on his hips.

Zel: No! She’ll get the wrong idea, and I’ll never be rid of her! I’m not going after her. I’m not, I’m not, I’m—

Later, on a speeder bike, zooming through the trees…

Zel: Damn women! There go my gozers! On a plate. With Tobasco sauce and a side of fries. That’s it! After this, I quit and go back to studying magic in the swamp! Barnacles can’t possibly be worse than taking orders from All Purpose Psycho Girl Lina! My cure might be found in one of Rezo’s old books! Maybe I don’t have to go cruising around the galaxy with a psychopath to find it! Damn you, Rezo! You just had to get killed, didn’t you? Oh, nice timing, grampaw! Thanks a lot!

Zoom--zoom—dodge tree—zoom! Fume. Rage. Complain. Cuss. Zooooom!

However, Zelgadis (and shortly thereafter, Lina and Gourry) discover his mission was in vain. They find Amelia’s helmet, but no Amelia. Anywhere. Zelgadis is in no mood to be forgiving.

Zelgadis: So, Lina, tell me again why my chasing after Amelia was such a great idea.

Lina: Well, if you’d just done it when I asked you to in the first place instead of getting your shorts all in a knot over it, maybe you would’ve caught up to her before she disappeared, or got killed or captured, or whatever has happened to her! And we’d know what’s happened to her, too!

Zelgadis huffs, refusing to allow Lina or Gourry to see that he really is very worried about Amelia, but only because she’s the Princess and leader of the Rebel Alliance (who likes her a lot, by the way). Without her, the Alliance would probably lose heart and crumble. So, even if he doesn’t need her, the galaxy does. (That’s good, Zel. You just keep telling yourself that. )

Lina: It’s all your fault she’s gone, Zel. If you’d’ve just gone after her when I asked you to—

Zel: Ah. Guilt. Nice. May I remind you, no one forced Amelia to go off without telling any of us? I think that would make this NOT my fault.

Gourry, meanwhile, has been poking about in the shrubbery. Thinking he was just looking for a nice, private place in which to relieve himself, Lina and Zelgadis politely ignore his activities. He’s not looking for a place to potty.

Gourry: Hey, you guys! Come over here and look at these! They’re so tiny!

Lina and Zelgadis, still believing Gourry was using the bushes to relieve himself in, exchange nauseated looks.

Gourry: They’re tracks! Lots of ‘em! C’mere!

Oh! Tracks! Not—Nevermind. Lina and Zelgadis go look at what Gourry has found, and they are the oddest set of footie prints any of them has ever seen: Itty-bitty little boot prints too small even for Amelia to have made them.

Lina: Huh! What do you make of that?

Zel: Elves?

Gourry: Hey! Maybe they’ll give us some of those cookies they make in that hollow tree of theirs! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m hungry!

Blink. Lina and Zelgadis shake their heads, baffled.

Zelgadis: You are so bizarre…

Gourry: What? Just ‘cause you don’t get hungry as often as normal people do, doesn’t mean I’m "bizarre" for wanting a snack!

Zel: Did you just say "normal people"?

Lina: Uh…we really don’t have time for this, guys! Let’s see if these tracks’ll lead us to Amelia, ok?

Gourry: She’s little, Lina, but she’s not that little!

SMACK!

Lina: I mean, let’s see if the little people who made these tracks have Amelia, or if they’ve at least seen her or know what’s happened to her!

Zel: Pull up your briefs, Gourry, you’re brains are coming loose.

Gourry: Oh! Yeah.

He does, causing Lina to blush madly and putting an amused smirk on Zelgadis’ face. That’s for sending him after Amelia then blaming him for whatever’s happened to her! Ha!

Lina: Have you no shame, you big, stupid pervert?!

Gourry: WHAT?! What is your problem?! Oh, I get it, you’re one of those girls who likes girls, aren’t you? No wonder you don’t want to talk about guys. Uh-huh. I see!

Lina: Ex-SKUZE me?! Just because I’m not a twisted sex fiend like you doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian!

Zel: She likes you, and you’re a man.

Lina: SHUT UP!

Gourry: Really?

He looks from Zelgadis’ innocent expression to Lina’s blushing face and gets rather depressed.

Gourry: Oh. You’re just teasing me again.

His shoulders droop as he starts off unhappily through the foliage, following the miniscule tracks and leaving Lina to sear Zelgadis with a scathingly reprimanding glare. She hisses at him:

Lina: You are such a jerk! You hurt his feelings!

Zel: I was being perfectly honest, he just took it wrong. That’s not my fault. Would you like me to tell him I meant it? I can do that if it’ll make you happy, Captain.

Lina: Oh, it’s "Captain" now!

Zel: Look: If you like him so much, why don’t you tell him? He’s obviously crazy about you. What could possibly be so difficult about being honest with each other and getting on with your lives?

Lina: You mean, like the way you’re honest with Amelia?

Zel: I am honest with Amelia. You just have a vivid imagination.

Lina: Of course.

Stare.

Lina: No, I don’t want you to tell him you meant it.

Zel: Chicken.

Lina: Not!

Zel: Bwaaaaahk! Bwahk-bwahk-bwahk-bwahk!

Lina: BARNACLES!

Zel: Don’t even think about—AW, HELL! You remove these barnacles this instant, you little witch!

Lina: Or you’ll what?

Zel: GOURRY! Wait up! I have something important to tell you!

Lina: You wouldn’t!

Zelgadis catches up to Gourry, leaving a very scared Lina to blush herself silly in his wake.

Zel: I wasn’t teasing you. She really likes you. Really.

Gourry: You’re just saying that to get back at her for giving you barnacles.

Zel: No I’m not.

Gourry: Really?

Zel: Really.

Gourry looks back at Lina, who has collapsed to her knees in utter mortification, then returns his attention to Zelgadis (who’s looks a lot like a blue Dalmatian).

Gourry: No way.

Zel: She wants you. I swear.

Gourry: Her? Lina? I don’t think she even knows what that is. I mean, she is kind of young…and really naïve. I don’t think she knows about that stuff.

Zel: "Naïve"?

Gourry shrugs and takes a quick look back at Lina, who is now following the men at a safe distance but is still blushing and looking really uncomfortable.

Gourry: About—you know—love and stuff like that. Romance.

Zel: I see. Guess you know all about it, huh?

Gourry: You don’t?! Geez, Zel, girls love you! You’re this tragic figure, a man under a curse, desperately seeking a cure—a man of few words, smart, deep voice—chicks really dig guys like that! They like mysterious guys.

Zel: I’m "mysterious"?

Gourry: Well, yeah. Sure. It’s that curse thing. It makes girls get all maternal and want to "save" you. You know, be the one that finds the cure, so you’ll marry them out of gratitude, or something. Like in fairy tales. I’m just this big, dumb, sword-slinging, blonde guy.

Zel: Don’t underrate yourself. You’re a nice guy. And heroic. You were the one who insisted we had to rescue Princess Amelia when we got stuck on the first Deathstar. People know they can count on you. Even if you do have trouble remembering their names.

Gourry: Hey! I can say your name now! That was low.

Having established sensitive male bonding, which utterly excludes insensitive girls (like the embarrassed one tagging along behind them), the boys move on to more manly topics like how they plan to take out the power generator and maybe even rescue Amelia and punish her kidnappers (or murderers, but they’re not gonna go there right now). Lina can’t hear any of their conversation, but assumes they’re making fun of her, since they’re chuckling way too much for her comfort. After a while, she gets curious and moves to within hearing distance. And what an earful she gets:

Zel: …you should go for it, Gourry! It’s a sure thing.

Gourry: She’ll fireball me, or worse. If I even look at her funny she freaks out and beats me up!

Zel: Do you like being beaten up?

Gourry: No!

Zel: Have you told her you don’t like being beaten up?

Gourry: Well…no…

Zel: Or what you’d prefer she do to you, instead of beating you up?

Gourry: ZEL?! What if she can hear you?!

Zel: What’s she gonna do? Put more barnacles on me? I don’t think I have any more skin space.

Gourry: You?! Who’s talking about you? She’ll put barnacles on ME!

Zel: Look. Gourry. Just tell her you’re in love with her. What’ve you got to lose? So maybe she’ll pound you for it, but it’s not like she’ll kill you. For all you know, she might make you the happiest big, dumb, sword-slinging, blonde hero-type in the galaxy. You won’t know unless you try.

Gourry: Why do I have to be the one to try?

Zel: Because Lina’s a big chicken and won’t ever tell you how she really feels unless she’s mad at you. Or hungry. You always know when she’s hungry.

Gourry: I always know when she’s mad, too.

Zel: Point.

Gourry: Bet she pounds me.

Zel: You’re a big boy, Gourry, you can take it. And if she wigs out on you, I’ll put a sleep spell on her, give you time to escape.

Gourry: Nah. A man can handle female anger. Even Lina’s. After all, she’s been beating me up ever since we first met. Of course, the first thing I did was tell her her chest was tiny…

Zel: That would set her off, yes. And it wasn’t a very nice thing to say.

Gourry: I was just teasing! She has a really cute figure. I think she’s pretty.

Zel: So tell her.

Gourry: Maybe she’ll get into serious danger, and I can rescue her, so she’ll be grateful—

Zel: Lina never needs rescuing. Trust me. Just tell her, you big coward!

That stops Gourry in his tracks. Hands on hips, he turns to snarl at Zelgadis:

Gourry: I’m a lot of things, but I am NOT a coward! You take that back!

Zel: Geez, sorry! I take it back, ok?

Lina has been walking with her eyes fixed on the ground in front of her and doesn’t realize the guys have stopped until she smacks into Gourry. When she realizes who she’s bumped into, she turns an even deeper shade of red, gets a horribly panicked look on her face and goes completely into shock. Can’t move, can’t speak, can’t think. For his part, Gourry is in exactly the same condition. Their shyness, awkwardness and desire to reveal their true feelings, coupled with their absolute terror about doing so, achieve critical mass. Lina and Gourry go into complete sensory overload and simultaneously faint.

Zelgadis: That was weird…

Amelia, on the other hand, has absolutely no problem whatsoever telling Zelgadis exactly how she feels about him. Or showing him. In front of Gourry and Lina and the really little people (all women), dressed in tiny bikini’s and boots and who all have this really spine tingling, wicked laugh. There are hundreds of them living in the trees (but not baking cookies), loudly declaring their magical supremacy to all and sundry and wearing next to nothing. As soon as his mouth is free, Zelgadis has a few, choice adjectives he wants to impart to his companions:

Zel: They’re a bunch of pint-sized sluts! It’s Martina all over again!

Amelia: Hey! Don’t talk about my sisters like that!

Others: YOUR SISTERS?!

Amelia: Yeah! My sisters! Her Royal Highness, Crown Princess Naga of Seyruunderaan! (blushes) Well, ok, copies of Naga. But they’re still my sisters! And I won’t hear any unjust, unflattering, uncharitable things being said about them! So you apologize this instant, Zelgadis Greywers, or me and my sisters will fireball you all the way back to Sairogooine!

Lina: Oh dear…

Gourry: Not. Good.

Zel: Bye!

Zel tries to run, but Amelia’s "sisters" mob him, swarming all over him like a cloud of locusts. The cloud cackles over a broad tree trunk, to a spit that’s hung over a fire. When the cloud disperses, Zelgadis is tied to the spit and a dozen Nagas are turning him over the fire while three more baste him. He’s butt naked (except for the rather strategically-placed vine being used to tie him to the spit). The remaining Nagas are whacking up his clothes and using the pieces to make tiny capes for themselves (since wearing black capes after Memorial Day is such a faux pas). Two of them make cute, little houses out of his very expensive snakeskin boots. All this in a matter of seconds. These scantily-clad copies of princesses are fast. Suddenly, a red glow appears over Zelgadis and his, uh, chefs, and the fire magically extinguishes itself. The Nagas shriek and hide in the tree trunks. The vines disappear just as Zel’s clothes magically reconstruct themselves and reappear on his body, boots and all (minus Naga-sized furnishings). Zel floats back to where Lina, Gourry and Amelia watch in amazement and is set down on his own two feet. The red glow follows him, gets more solid, takes on a man-shape, then becomes a man. A really tall man. With very bad hair.

Rezo: Tsk! This is what happens when primitive societies gain access to advanced technology. Sigh! Well, easily remedied.

Lina: Wait! What are you going to do to them?

Rezo: They’re only clones, Lina Inverse.

Lina: You mean, you’re gonna kill them all?

Amelia: You can’t do that!

Gourry: Yeah! We won’t let you!

Gourry fires up the sword of light. Amelia leaps to his side, fireball at the ready. Lina and Zelgadis gear up to fling some serious magic. Rezo raises a curious eyebrow, sensing the beginnings of attack spells in his general vicinity.

Rezo: Sigh. As you wish. I shall spare the clones.

Everybody powers down in relief. The Nagas cackle and dance for joy, singing an annoying little song in a language only they understand.

Rezo: You’re all quite certain I should spare them?

Lina: Well, in light of this current development—

Amelia: Don’t you dare!

Later, they have a pow-wow around the fire, listening to the Nagas all try to tell them where the power generator is and how to get into it, at the same time. Loudly. In the middle of it all, Gourry gets in a mood and leaves the party to take a quiet walk along the big tree branches. Deep are his thoughts about the little red-haired girl (Peanuts reference, sorry), and deeper still are his thoughts about his lack of medical insurance to pay to fix the damage she is sure to do to his person if he ever gets up the nerve to reveal unto her his true feelings. Those are pretty deep, too, and if he thinks about them for too long he finds he needs a cold shower very badly. Who knew love could be so bad for your health? Ok, Zelgadis knows, since he has to deal with Amelia’s hyperactive pubescent libido and utter lack of decorum whenever he’s anywhere near her. But we’re talking about Gourry right now, and the poor guy is feeling pretty low. How sweet of Lina to follow him out there to console him, eh?

Lina: You ok?

Gourry: Not really.

Lina: So…what’s wrong? You look depressed.

Gourry: I am.

Lina: It’s me, isn’t it? I heard what you and Zelgadis were talking about before. Am I really that mean?

Gourry: Can I answer that question without getting hit?

Lina: I guess that answers my question.

Uncomfortable silence. Lina twists a strand of her hair around her finger.

Lina: Did you mean what you said? To Zel. About me. And you. And…um…love and stuff.

Gourry: Uh-huh.

Gulp.

Lina: So, um, what would you rather have me do to you than hit you?

Gourry: What? (panic)

Lina: Zelgadis said you should tell me what you’d rather have me do to you than hit you. I heard him. He didn’t mean…anything perverted, did he?

Gourry: What’s so perverted about getting romantic? You shouldn’t be so uptight about it, Lina. When are you gonna grow up? Don’t you want to be loved?

Lina: (blush) I—I really should get back to the meeting, I—

Gourry impetuously decides to risk his life: He grabs Lina’s head in both hands, and kisses her passionately. Lina starts to fight it, then gives in. That’s how Zelgadis and Amelia find them a few minutes later. Amelia decides, what the hell, it’s in the air, and plants one on Zel, who DOES fight it and eventually wins. He dashes back into the meeting tree, suddenly sure he prefers the company of Rezo and the Nagas. Amelia pursues him in tears. Lina and Gourry remain oblivious through it all. That is, until Gourry gets a little too brave.

Lina: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BUTT, YOU BIG PERVERT!

Pummel.

Later…

Rezo: That is the power generator.

Zel: Duh.

Lina: Say, why are you helping us, anyway? I thought I killed you.

Rezo clears his throat but says nothing.

Lina: You’re a copy, too, aren’t you? Just like the Nagas!

Amelia: And you were gonna kill my sisters! You total jerk!

Zel: Again I say: duh.

Gourry: Guys, we’re kind of on a schedule…

Lina: Oh, listen to Mr. In Charge! Feeling pretty brave, huh? (wink)

Gourry turns redder than Rezo’s outfit. Amelia starts to move in for the kiss…

Zel: Don’t even think about it.

Amelia: Awww…

A bunch of Nagas excitedly tug on Lina’s cloak, cackle a lot and point at the power generator.

Lina: Back door, huh? Good idea. Let’s go.

They follow the Nagas to the back door only to find a young boy and a big, muscular red-haired guy waiting for them. The boy is perched atop the power generator building. His lackey grins wickedly and launches a magical attack against Our Heroes that sends them diving for cover. Too late, Amelia takes a hit and goes down with a bloody hole in her side. (E gad! A bad guy shot a good guy!) Zelgadis is there in a flash to zap her with a healing spell while Lina throws a fireball at the big guy. The next shot hits Rezo, who explodes. A second later another Rezo appears in his place.

Rezo: I’m back.

Zap. Explode.

Rezo: Hi there!

Zap. Explode.

Rezo: Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-NYEH-nyeh! Thbbbfffsss! You can’t kill me!

Zap. Explode.

Rezo: The Man! Ah-ha-haaa! Zap all you want, we’ll make more!

Zap. Explode.

Rezo: Ah! You’re such a dork! Dorkie-orkie-orkie!

Garv: Will you just shut up and stay dead, you big, red fruitcake!

Xellos: You rang?

Xellos throws some potent magic at Garv, who just teleports himself out of danger, appears behind Xellos, who teleports away and reappears behind Garv. This goes on for some time, while the other magic users try to hit Garv with some kind of spell. ANY kind of spell. Gourry whips out the Sword of Light and tries slashing Garv but never hits. The little boy on the roof giggles.

Hell Master: You, I like. Tee-hee!

The boy and Gourry disappear, followed by Garv, then Xellos. Lina’s so mad, she Dragonslaves the door to the power generator and winds up blowing up the whole thing.

Lina: Mission accomplished. Now where’s that brat who kidnapped my boyfr—fr—freh—

Zel: "Boyfriend". You’re trying to say "boyfriend". It’s not that hard.

Amelia: Giggle! Oh, but YOU are, my adorable, little granite god!

Zelgadis books out of there at lightspeed.

Lina: Wait! How are we gonna find Gourry?! Zelgadis! Wait up!

Lina runs after Zel. Amelia pouts, but eventually follows them. Xellos reappears once they’re out of sight and admires Lina’s handiwork.

Xellos: What a woman!

Pop. He’s gone again.

Meanwhile, out in space, Firia and Sylfiel are having way too much fun with their first foray into spaceship piloting. They’ve done some serious girl-bonding and are singing a down and dirty song describing what they’re gonna do to the Deathstar and the Mozoku therein. Then the Deathstar starts shooting at them.

Firia: How dare they?! I thought that thing wasn’t supposed to be able to do that yet!

Sylfiel: Let’s get ‘em, Girl! They can’t do this to us! We’re WOMEN!

Firia: Right!

Sylfiel: On a mission!

Firia: Yes!

Pause.

Sylfiel: Well, you’re the one they taught how to work the guns! Shoot them!

Firia: RIGHT! Eat hot lasers, you filthy garbage Mozoku scum!

Oh, like the Millennium Fireball has anywhere near the firepower to so much as dent the Deathstar. But, doggone it! It feels good to shoot at it, anyway, so Firia pumps as much laser fire into the Deathstar as she can while Sylfiel flies the ship through the flak and into the Deathstar’s infrastructure, skillfully evading all pursuit, until at last they come out into the core. Firia lines up the shot, then lets ‘er rip! She nails it!

Firia: Now get us out of here!

Sylfiel: Right!

On the Deathstar, meanwhile, Gourry has been given a quickie-download into his brain by the Hell Master to make him think he’s Lina’s enemy and is sent back to the planet to hunt her down and kill her. Unbeknownst to the little hell punk, the Lord Emperor of Nightmares is in a nearby chamber, trying to convert some guy named Luke to the Dark Side of the Force without much success. The Emperor overhears what’s going on next door, realizes it’s that creep he’s being trying to keep from taking over the galaxy, nicks over there, blows Hell Master to smithereens, then returns to further persecute that Luke guy. That’s about when the Deathstar goes nova. (But Luke escapes, remember? It’s ok. I wouldn’t kill off Luke Skywalker, even in a spoof.) Firia and Sylfiel fly triumphantly away from the destruction, their little pep song having evolved into a true, sisterhood rap, which they see fit to broadcast to the entire galaxy. Girls galaxy-wide bond in one, potent moment of action, and pound the snot out of any Mozoku (CHEUVENIST) they can find, then march on the Capital, demanding equal rights for all female life forms. They have sit-ins, love-ins, Tupperware-ins! They burn their bras and whatever other equivalent undergarment they can find (except for those females who really need the support, I mean—geez, where’s Gourry when he’d really enjoy something?). Books are written, speeches are made, and some guy named Valgarv finds the woman trapped within in him in an exploding nirvana of self-awareness—then gets reincarnated as an egg. But Xellos, always on the look-out for a good marketing opportunity, hops on the bandwagon and champions the females’ cause in the halls of government and justice! The fruitcake makes all kinds of liberating things happen for the women of the galaxy, until his galaxy is the most progressive, egalitarian, touchy-feelie, up-with-people kind of place in the whole universe! Xellos feels a song coming on! He also feels a Nehru suit and love beads coming on! It’s party time! Xellos zaps Amelia, Firia and Sylfiel into go-go outfits so he can have back-up singers, and…

On the planet of the Nagas (there’s a scary thought for you)…

Xellos: I was feelin’…sorta bad! I ask my family doctor just what I had! I said "doctor"

Girls: Doc-tor!

Xellos: Mr. M-D

Girls: Doc-tor!

Xellos: Now can you tell me…what’s ailin’ me?

Girls: Doc-tor!

Xellos: He said:

All: Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-YEAH!

Girls: Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

Xellos: He said, "please! All I—I really need is…

Girls: Good lovin’!

Xellos: C’mon, gimme that lovin’!

Girls: Good lovin’!

Xellos: WHHAAAAAA!

Zelgadis rocks out on the guitar riffs, cigarette hanging out of his face, another tucked into his guitar strings and yet a third resting atop an amp. Is this guy Keith Richards, or what? Except, Keith looks embalmed. And has had his blood replaced. Of course, Zel had his entire body replaced. (He wins.) Lina’s jammin’ on the Hammond Organ, and Gourry’s busy proving he knows a lot of stuff about drums (and wearing Nehru jackets and love beads and looking goooood while doing it). The back up singers (Amelia, Firia and Sylfiel, the Uber Chicks) are doing those 60’s dances like there’s no tomorrow. The Nagas shriek and cackle a lot in a very Naga fashion.

Well, we’ll leave this little Austin Powers moment for now, I think. Until the next Star Wars film is released—bye!

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