STAR WARS:

THE MOZOKU STRIKE BACK

Open on a bleak, snow-covered landscape. A Taun Taun snorts its discontent with the weather. On its back, Gourry Gabriev peers through binoculars at a puff of snow where "something" has landed. His comlink chirps and he answers it (still amazed by the way voices are transmitted in this way):

Gourry: Hello?

Lina: Gourry, you doof! You’re not supposed to answer the comlink like that! You say your name, so I know I really got you and not some jellyfish brain pretending to be you!

Gourry: Sorry. You want to try it again?

Lina: No, we’re already talking now. Just forget it. Anyway, I’m heading back to base. There’s nothing alive out here that I’ve been able to find.

Gourry: Maybe they know it’s you, so they’re hiding.

Lina: Just be glad I’m not there to pound you right now!

Gourry: I am!

Lina: (after a long pause) Gourry?

Gourry: Yeah?

Lina: This is where you tell me if you’ve found anything and if you’re heading back to base, too.

Gourry: Oh, right. I forgot.

Lina: That would never happen…

Gourry: Um…oh yeah! I saw something fall out of the sky a second ago. It could just be a rock or something. Think I should check it out?

Lina: Yes, Gourry, that would probably be a good idea. Why don’t you do that, then head back to base so you can tell the rest of us what fell out of the sky, OK?

Gourry: OK!

The creature Gourry is riding gives a terrified snort, and Gourry tries to comfort it. Just then, a monstrous roar comes from behind him and a furry arm swipes Gourry’s mount right out from under him, leaving Gourry sitting in the snow.

Gourry: Lina, is that you?

Creature: ROAR!

Gourry: Well, that’s definitely not Lina, but he sure has her temper!

Creature: Roar? ROAR!

Gourry reaches backward, oh so casually, and flicks out one of the creature’s giant, deadly-looking fangs. The creature blinks for a moment in confusion, feels around inside its mouth to check the damage, then throws up its arms in disgust.

Creature: Hell with this guy! My contract had better include dental, or Lucas is toast!

Gourry: Wow! And I thought Lina was grouchy!

Creature: Shut up, jellyfish brain! Where can a guy get some coffee on this set?

Gourry: Uh…back at the base?

Creature: Thanks.

The creature slogs off through the snow in the general direction of the base. Gourry continues to sit in the snow, trying to remember what he was going to do before the creature attacked him and killed his mount.

Gourry: Now let’s see…I was talking to Lina on the talkie-thing…then that monster showed up and killed my Taun Taun…hmmm…I was going to check something out…

Back at the base, Lina leaves her mount with the Taun Taun ranglers and heads off to find her partner, Zelgadis, and check on their ship The Millennium Fireball.

Zelgadis is having a rough time with a tangle of wires on top of the ship and is cussing up a storm.

Zelgadis: Damn you, Rezo! If I had my old hands, I’d be able to feel these damn wires and I’d have them fixed by now! OK, so if something blows up, it can’t hurt me. Fine. That’s the only good thing about this monstrous body, but I can’t #$@% feel anything!

Lina: Zel!

Zelgadis: (not hearing her) …and every time I bump into something, it #$% breaks!

Lina: ZEL!

Zelgadis: OK, so Lina can’t pound me like she can that moron Gourry, but…

Lina lobs a screwdriver at Zelgadis’ head.

Lina: ZEL!

Zelgadis: OW! What was that for?

Lina: I’m talking to you! How’re the repairs coming?

Zelgadis: They’re not.

Lina: Well, if we don’t leave here tonight, Martina the Hut will have us both for supper!

Zelgadis: (waves a power tool at Lina) You want this ship fixed? You fix it! I can’t feel a damn thing with this skin! I need some coffee!

Lina: Just stay there! I’ll get us both some coffee and we’ll work on the ship together!

Zelgadis: I’m sure.

Lina ignores him and heads off for the command center to tell Princess Amelia she and Zel are leaving. In the command center, the Princess is standing on top of a tall file cabinet, lecturing the rest of the room on how unjust the Empire is and how the Rebel Alliance is fighting for justice. Nobody’s really listening, but they nod occasionally to make Amelia think they are. Lina snags a senior officer.

Lina: General, I’m leaving.

Philionel: Well, a price on your head is a hard thing to live with. (shakes Lina’s hand) You’re a good pilot, Inverse, we’ll miss you. Good luck.

Lina: Thanks.

Lina looks up to find Amelia has stopped her monologue and is eyeing her with a heartbroken expression. Lina turns and leaves the command center, hoping the Princess doesn’t follow. She does. Amelia catches up to Lina in a tunnel.

Amelia: Miss Lina! Miss Lina, wait!

Disgusted, Lina stops and turns to face Amelia.

Lina: I’m leaving, Princess, you can’t stop me. I have a price on my head and if I don’t pay off Martina the Hut, I’m a dead sorceress.

Amelia: But—but—if you go, then Zelgadis will go with you! Oh, Miss Lina, you can’t take Zelgadis away!

Lina: He doesn’t like you, Amelia. Get over him.

Amelia: (crying) Yes he does! You’re just saying that because you’re jealous! I know you want him for yourself, but you can’t have him!

Lina: I’d rather have a Mozoku!

Amelia: Hmph! I can arrange that! Just wait till Xellos gets here!

Lina: Xellos, huh? Well…he is kind of cute…

Amelia screams and runs back to the command center in tears. Lina is sorry she hurt Amelia’s feelings (not really), but shrugs it off and heads for the galley to get some coffee for herself and Zelgadis. After getting the coffee, on her way back to the ship, Lina remembers Gourry and wonders if he ever found out what fell out of the sky and if he has returned to base yet. She arrives at the ship and levitates Zelgadis one of the mugs of coffee, then tries to contact Gourry on the link.

Lina: Inverse to Gabriev, Inverse to Gabriev. Come in Gourry.

Getting no response, Lina starts to worry.

Lina: Hey, Zel, have you seen Gourry lately?

Zelgadis: No. Maybe he forgot where the base is.

Lina: That wouldn’t surprise me, but I can’t raise him on the link, either. I’m worried.

Zelgadis: He probably forgot how to work the link.

Lina: Well, I better ask around, anyway.

Zelgadis: I’m sure he’s fine. The ship, on the other hand, is not. Are you going to help me with this?

Lina: I’m really worried about him, Zel! Look, I promise I’ll help you with the ship as soon as I find Gourry, OK?

Zelgadis: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Lina: Oh, Amelia says you have to stay here and marry her. I told her you would, since I know you’ve got a huge crush on her. Have a nice day, Zelly!

Lina waves sweetly, feeling extremely smug, and trots off to look for Gourry. Zelgadis seethes with rage for a while, manfully resisting the urge to smash the ship’s topside to a pulp. The screwdriver Lina threw at him isn’t so lucky.

Zelgadis: Witch.

Meanwhile, out in the snow field, Gourry is still trying to remember what he told Lina he was going to do before returning to base. So far, he has determined it had something to do with the sky and, so, is sitting in the snow, staring up at the rapidly darkening heavens. He is oblivious to the fact that his butt is turning to ice. So is the rest of him for that matter. He’s encased in an ice cube, still gazing perplexedly upward, when Lina finds him later that night.

Lina: Just when I think this guy can’t get any dumber…Oh well. FIRE—BALL!

Gourry: Hey, Lina! What are you doing here? I thought you were heading back to base!

Lina: Gourry, what were you doing, just looking up at the sky like that?

Gourry: Ummmm….hmmmm…I don’t remember.

Lina: Did you find out what fell out of the sky?

Gourry: Huh?

Lina: You were going to check out something you said you saw fall out of the sky. Remember now?

Gourry: Oh that! Uh…I forgot to look.

Lina: (sighs) Whatever. I better get you back to the base before we both freeze! I’m sure if it was anything but a meteor, it showed up on the scanners. Let’s go, Gourry. RAYWING!

On the Mozoku flagship, a massive starship, bigger than any Imperial ship ever built, Xellos, Dark Lord of the Sith, paces the deck of the Bridge. Below him, his evil minions monitor their scanners, waiting for one of the probes they sent out to report that it had found signs of a new Rebel base.

Minion #1: Sir! I’ve got something! It’s from the probe we sent to the Sayruun System!

Minion #2: Show me.

Minion #1 points to his scope, which shows a snowy landscape dotted with small, dark things that look remarkably like…

Minion #1: Those look like the remains of a 10-course chicken dinner, sir.

Minion #2: That could mean anything! We can’t follow every piddly lead…

Xellos: What have you got?

The minions snap to attention. Minion #2 is nervous.

Minion #2: Uh—my Lord! It’s nothing, just—

Xellos: The bones from a 10-course chicken dinner! We’ve found them! The Rebels are there. Set course for the Sayruun System!

Minion #2: My Lord! Yes sir!

Minion #2 gives Minion #1 a dirty look for being such a big smarty pants, then shouts orders to set the course. Xellos grins wickedly and giggles, making all of his minions really uncomfortable.

Xellos: Your butt is mine, Hell Master! Once I’ve gained Lina Inverse’s trust, there’ll be no stopping me from bringing the Lord of Nightmares into this galaxy and blasting you into space dust, you little punk! Tee-hee!

Much later…

Lina Inverse flies the Millennium Fireball out of the docking bay, past Xellos, who merely smiles mischievously after the fleeing ship, then spins around, flinging his dark cape in a dramatic arc, and retreats into the ruined command center. Something tells him the ship won’t get far (it’s a seeeeecret).

Meanwhile, on board the Millennium Fireball:

Amelia: Omigosh, they’re right behind us! Zelgadis, save me!

Amelia throws her arms around Zelgadis and buries her face in his back. Zel roughly shrugs her off.

Zelgadis: I can’t ‘save you’ if you don’t get off of me and let me fly the damn ship!

Lina: Don’t worry, Princess, we’ll lose ‘em! Watch this!

Lina pulls back on the hyperdrive lever. The ship makes an awful whining sound, but continues to be in normal space.

Amelia: Watch what, Miss Lina?

Zelgadis: Oh, great.

Lina: I don’t get it! What’s the deal?

Zelgadis: No hyperdrive?

Lina: It’s not my fault! Yikes!

The ship is hit by a laser blast from one of the pursuit ships and rocks frighteningly, setting off dozens of alarms. Lina smacks the dashboard, and some of the alarms fall silent. Lina cusses.

Amelia: Miss Lina! Such language!

Lina: Shut up, Princess! Zel, take over, I’m going to try and figure out what’s wrong with the hyperdrive! Dammit! I need a ship-demon! CONJURATION!

C3PO: Mistress?

Lina: C’mon, ship demon, I need you to talk to the Fireball and find out what’s wrong with the hyperdrive.

Lina and the ship-demon depart for the back part of the ship, leaving a very uncomfortable Zelgadis alone with a very amorous Amelia.

Amelia: We’re alone…

Zelgadis: So what?

Amelia snuggles up to Zelgadis’ back again and, once again, gets shrugged off.

Zelgadis: I said cut it out!

Amelia: Don’t deny your feelings, Zel! I know you love me, you just feel insecure about your appearance. You think nobody can love you as a chimera, but judging someone based solely upon their looks would be terribly unjust! I love you no matter what your skin is made of!

Zelgadis throws the ship into a tight turn, sending the princess flying across the cabin. She hits her head on a bulkhead and is knocked unconscious. Zelgadis smirks.

Zelgadis: If I’m lucky, she’ll stay that way for the rest of the movie.

Meanwhile, on a swampy planet far, far away, Gourry is using his Sword of Light as a torch as he wades through tangled underbrush on a quest for a decent place to make camp. He’s carrying everything but his X-Wing fighter on his strong back, including the little ship-demon Lina summoned for him to help him navigate (since heaven knows he can’t handle it himself without getting hopelessly lost).

Gourry: Gee, R2, this place stinks! I can’t believe this is the world Lina said that powerful magic master lives on! You’d think he’d have a tower or something like that.

Gourry: You said it!

Gourry finds a nice spot and unceremoniously dumps everything into a pile on the driest piece of ground. R2 sets about organizing everything, while Gourry homes in on the box containing the food rations and proceeds to stuff his face.

Gourry: This place is creepy. It almost feels like—someone is watching me!

Gourry spins around, Sword of Light still in one hand and active, and almost chops the knees off the tall, red-clad man who has seemingly materialized out of nowhere.

Rezo: Swamps can be such a nuisance, can’t they?

He points at the food cache and a granola bar floats into his hand and magically unwraps itself. Gourry watches in fascination.

Gourry: That’s really cool! Can you catch fish with your hair, too?

Rezo: Excuse me?

Gourry: Lina catches fish with her hair. It’s the other thing she does, aside from that overkill Dragonslave thing.

Rezo: I’ll take your word for it.

He bites into the granola bar, chews once, makes a face, then tosses the rest of the granola bar into the jungle.

Rezo: No wonder the Rebel Alliance isn’t winning the war: Who can fight eating stuff like that?

Gourry: I think it’s yummy!

Rezo: You would.

Long pause. Rezo taps his foot.

Rezo: So! Why are you here, my friend?

Gourry: I’m looking for Rezo, the famous magic master of—of—something I can’t remember. Farce? Fists? Food?

Rezo: Force. Master of The Force. You’ve found him.

Gourry: I have? Where?

Rezo sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose as he tries to resist frying Gourry on the spot.

Rezo: Me, you twit. I’m Rezo, Blind-eye master of The Force.

Gourry: Oh! I’m Gourry, a travelling mercenary! But I only kill people who are really evil.

Rezo: That's nice. And that would be your sword?

Gourry: Oh, yeah! The Sword of Light! It’s a family treasure, so you can’t have it.

Rezo: Uh…as you say…

Gourry jumps up, suddenly brimming with enthusiasm, and sheaths his sword. He grabs Rezo’s hand and shakes it happily.

Gourry: Great! Let’s learn some magic, OK? I’m ready for anything!

Rezo: Actually, I was expecting someone a little more…magical. Are you sure you’re Zolf’s pupil?

Gourry scratches his head in puzzlement.

Gourry: Um, Zolf’s dead.

Rezo: Yes, I know. So am I, but who’s counting?

Gourry: Oh! Well, Zolf wasn’t teaching me anything—

Rezo: I see. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave, then.

Gourry bites his lip and looks worriedly over his shoulder to where his X-Wing fighter has by now sunk completely into the muck.

Gourry: I can’t do that. You see, my ship crashed in the swamp, and I can’t get it out.

Rezo rubs the bridge of his nose again.

Rezo: Always with you mortals everything is impossible. Have you tried to get your ship out of the swamp?

Gourry: Well, no, but…it’s kind of sunk, and—

Rezo: Fine. If I get your ship out of the swamp, will you leave?

Gourry: Sure, but—

Rezo: Thank you.

Rezo snaps his fingers, and the X-Wing magically lifts out of the swamp, sets itself delicately on the shore and sheds all of the swamp muck that was sticking to it.

Gourry: Now, that’s cool.

Rezo: Yes, that’s what they sometimes say about me.

Gourry: What do they say about you the rest of the time?

Rezo: You may leave now.

Gourry: That’s a funny thing to say about somebody—

Rezo: They don’t say that about me! I’m telling you to get into your ship and fly the hell away from my planet, you dimwit! Just go! Now! Leave! And may the Force be with you!

Gourry: The what?

Rezo: LEAVE!

Gourry climbs into his X-Wing and the ship-demon floats himself into his slot behind the cockpit. The ship lifts off and zooms out of the atmosphere.

Gourry: Geez! What a grouch! Magic sure makes people cranky!

Meanwhile, aboard the Millennium Fireball, Zelgadis has zapped Amelia with sleep spell number four, the only way he can keep his sanity (and his dignity). Lina and the ship-demon have figured out what gives with the hyperdrive and have enlisted Zelgadis’ aid in fixing it while they all hide inside an asteroid cave.

Lina is in the equipment pit, out of sight.

Lina: Spanners!

Zelgadis: Spanners.

He tosses them at the pit. The spanners hit an invisible barrier, then drop straight down.

Lina: Cable!

Zelgadis: Cable.

Toss. Stop. Drop.

Lina: Shit!

Zelgadis: Not in the equipment pit, please.

Lina: That wasn’t an order, you simp!

Lina’s head appears and she props her oil-stained self on the edge of the pit.

Lina: I don’t know how we’re gonna get out of this one, Zel.

Zelgadis: We can’t hide in here forever.

Lina: I know, I know! I just don’t know what to do!

Zelgadis: I guess this would be a bad time to tell you we’re out of food…

Lina facefaults, gulps, then leaps out of the pit and runs for the cockpit.

Lina: Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! There’s gotta be a restaurant somewhere near this system! I need FOOD!

Zelgadis smirks a self-satisfied smirk. The cupboard in question is actually far from bare, but nothing motivates Lina quite as effectively as her stomach. He heads for the cockpit at a leisurely pace. In the cockpit, Lina has fired up the ship’s engines in preparation for lift off. Amelia is sleeping soundly in the navigator’s chair, blowing snot bubbles and snoring softly. With a wave of her hand, Lina dematerializes the ship-demon, as Zelgadis takes his place in the co-pilot’s chair.

Lina: Zel?! Why is Amelia sleeping at a time like this?!

Zelgadis: She was getting on my nerves.

Lina: You, too?

Zelgadis: Watch out! The cave mouth is collapsing!

Lina: This isn’t a cave! It’s a monster!

Zelgadis: Figures.

Lina expertly flies the ship between two of the monster’s fangs and straight at one of the giant Imperial Mozoku Star Destroyers, which, of course, starts shooting at them.

Zelgadis: Good one, Lina. Out of the monster into the fireball.

Lina: If you have a better idea, I’d love to hear it! If you don’t, just shut up!

Zelgadis: Actually, I do have an idea: Attach the ship to the back of the Star Destroyer’s Bridge projection with the manual grappling hooks. We’ll drop off their scanners, so they’ll think we jumped into hyperspace, and go after us. When they do, per usual Mozoku procedure, they’ll dump their garbage before jumping, and we can just float away—

Lina: With the rest of the garbage. Great idea! Glad I thought of it!

Zelgadis rolls his eyes. Behind him, Amelia makes waking up noises, so he quickly throws another sleep spell on her. Meanwhile, Lina executes "her" brilliant plan, which works like a charm. Except for the fact that a bounty hunter has thought of the same thing, and when the Millennium Fireball zips away, the bounty hunter follows at a discreet distance.

In an X-Wing fighter, en route to Cloud City:

Gourry: Boy was that a waste of time. If I’d have known he was gonna throw me out like that, I would’ve gone with Lina and Zel! I wish I knew where they were right now, so I could tell Lina what a stupid idea it was to send me to that Blind-eye master guy! I can’t do magic! I don’t know what she was thinking! I’ll bet she just wanted to get rid of me.

R2: Beepy-beep! Beeeeep!

Gourry: Don’t say stuff like that about Lina! I’m sure she had a perfectly good reason for sending me to Rezo! She always knows what she’s doing! I wish I was with her now…

R2: Beep beep beep. Boop.

Gourry: Really? You can track Lina using your magic? Wow! That’s great! So, where is she?

R2: Beeeeep! Boopy beep!

Gourry: Where’s Cloud City? I’ve never heard of it.

R2: Beep. Beep-beep.

Gourry: Oooooh! It’s a suburb of Sayruun! I wonder if they have any good restaurants there?

R2: Beep.

Gourry: I don’t think I like your language, R2!

In Cloud City, Lina’s really jazzed about the prospect of a big dinner, which their host, Zangulus Calrissian has promised them. She paces the floor of the room she shares with Zelgadis and Amelia, the latter being allowed to remain awake so she can join them for dinner and not starve to death. Things are quiet now, since Amelia has finished screaming at Lina and weeping at Zelgadis. The Princess is sitting on a chair, in a corner, stubbornly ignoring both of her roommates. Not that they mind. Or notice. Zangulus has loaned everybody some really snazzy outfits: A tuxedo for Zel, prom dress for Amelia and a slinky Chinese-looking number with a big slit up the leg for Lina. She blushed at first, but now she’s really digging the looks she gets from Zelgadis whenever her leg shows. Or, rather, the looks she imagines Zelgadis is giving her. He seems distracted.

Zelgadis: I don’t trust Zangulus, Lina. I know he’s your friend, but he acts like he’s hiding something.

Lina: Duh! He’s running a semi-legal mining operation! Of course he’s hiding something!

Zelgadis: Besides that.

Lina: Like…?

Before Zel can answer, Zangulus Calrissian shows up to escort them to dinner and is immediately all over Lina and Amelia.

Zangulus: I’m flattered, being able to escort two such lovely ladies to dinner! And one of them the Sayruun Princess!

Zelgadis: Weasel. That’s the word I was looking for.

Zangulus: I’m sorry, did you say something?

Zelgadis shakes his head, no. Lina gives him a stern look as she and Amelia smugly brush past him on Zangulus’ arms. Zelgadis takes a deep breath to master his frustration, then follows. If he wasn’t hungry for once, he’d have gladly bowed out of this little party. Now, not only did Amelia think he had the hots for her, Lina thought he was checking out her gams! Great. For this, he betrayed Rezo. Women! The group makes its way to the dining hall, Zangulus playing tour guide as they pass windows showing an absolutely awe inspiring view of the sunset-tinged clouds in which the city floats. Lina and Amelia ooh and ah enthusiastically, Zelgadis remains lost in his own little world of severe depression, self-pity, skepticism and overall disgust with the universe (per usual) and fails to be in the least bit impressed by the glorious vistas beyond the safety glass. Furthermore, he hates black tie affairs, even though he looks tremendous in black (even he must admit that).

Lina: Oooh! I can’t wait for dinner! I’m soooo hungry! I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, and that’s been hours ago! Dodging Imperial Star Destroyers really works up an appetite!

Zel: Your appetite doesn’t need any help getting worked up.

Lina sticks out her tongue at him over her shoulder.

Zel: How mature.

Amelia: Gosh, Zel! What’s your problem all the time? We’re in a beautiful city, being treated to a feast by a generous host—

They arrive at the dining hall and the doors swoosh open to reveal a long table laden with food and drink, and Xellos standing at the far end of it. Beside him is a bounty hunter with a big ruby stuck to his forehead.

Amelia: --and the evil dark lord of the Sith Xellos Vader! Oh no! Miss Lina what do we do?

Lina: How ‘bout a fire-BALL!

She lobs a fireball at Xellos, who calmly holds up his hand. The fireball fizzles out into nothing. Zelgadis buries his face in his hands.

Zel: I told you I didn’t trust him.

Zangulus: I’m sorry. They got here right before you did. I had no choice.

Lina: Oh, like we’re supposed to believe that!

Amelia: Yeah! You always have a choice! It’s only fair!

Zangulous: OK, I chose to have a guarantee that the Empire will ignore my little operation here and give me a big kick back if I spy for them. And I chose to screw you over, old friend, because I haven’t forgotten how you screwed me over to get the Fireball for yourself!

Lina: Hey! I won that ship fair and square! You’re just a lousy card player!

Zangulus: You cheated!

Lina: Did not!

Zel: Oh, like you’ve never done that before.

Lina: Who asked you? And whose side are you on, anyway?

Xellos: While this bickering is all very amusing, I have a sinister plan to implement right after dinner, so if you would all please take your seats…?

They all sit down, Zelgadis careful to sit nowhere near Amelia and Zangulus careful to sit nowhere near Lina, since he can’t fizzle out her fireballs like Xellos can.

Lina: What sort of plan?

Xellos: It’s a secret.

Zel: Of course. Did the Lord Emperor of Nightmares send you?

Xellos: It’s a secret.

Amelia: (in Lina’s ear) Why is he grinning like that?

Xellos: That, too, is a secret!

All: Well, what the #$%@ isn’t a secret?!

Xellos: I’m not wearing any underwear.

Zel: Oh, that’s enlightening.

Later…

Lina staggers into the room she shares with Amelia and Zelgadis. Zelgadis is already there, sitting in the middle of the floor, apparently meditating. Amelia staggers in through another door and she and Lina collapse on the floor next to Zelgadis. He acknowledges their presence by opening one eye curiously, then closing it again.

Lina: Hey, Zel, how come they aren’t torturing you?

Amelia: Yeah! It’s not fair!

Zel: Do you mind?! I’m concentrating.

Lina: On what? There’s nothing in here to concentrate on! It’s an empty, boring, badly-decorated room! What are you trying to do, conjure café curtains?

Zel: I’m getting a message through the Force. It’s Gourry. He’ll arrive in Cloud City at any moment. He’s probably looking for you, Lina.

Lina: (gasps) Oh no! He can’t! Tell him to leave! That’s why we’re being tortured! Xellos wants to draw Gourry to Cloud City so he can steal the Sword of Light, open a vortex in the fabric of the Universe and bring the Lord Emperor of Nightmares through it!

Zelgadis opens his eyes and raises an eyebrow.

Zel: Why would he want to do that?

Lina: I don’t know. He said its—

All together: --a secret!

Amelia: He needs a better script writer!

Zel: Look who’s talking.

Lina: Will you just tell Gourry to leave! Tell him we’ll meet him later!

Amelia: But, Lina, Xellos said we could never leave Cloud City! How can we meet Gourry later?

Lina: Get a clue, Princess. It doesn’t matter if we really can meet him or not. If he thinks we will, then he’ll fly away, out of the danger! Zel?!

Zel: Too late. He’s landed.

Lina: Well tell him to take off again!

Zel: Now he’s entered the city.

Lina: Well tell him to leave the city!

Zel: He’s in the lift.

Lina: Well tell him to get out of the lift!

Zel: He’s –

The door swishes open.

Gourry: Hi, guys! Have you seen all the Imperial Mozoku Troopers running around this place? They’re everywhere! I must’ve killed hundreds of them on my way here!

Gourry sheaths the Sword of Light and walks over to sit with the others on the floor. He looks around with a thoughtful expression on his face.

Gourry: Gee, they need a better decorator!

He looks at Lina and Amelia as if seeing them for the first time.

Gourry: What happened to you guys? Have you been fighting Mozoku Troopers, too? Nice tux, Zel.

Zel: Thanks.

Lina: Well, it would’ve been nice if we’d been able to fight them, but they sort of had us strapped to tables and were zapping us with really powerful lasers!

Gourry: Why would they do that?

Amelia: Xellos says it’s a secret, but Lina thinks they want to steal your sword and use it to bring the Lord Emperor of Nightmares into our galaxy through a vortex. Other details are a secret.

Gourry: Oh! Ummm…what’s a vortex?

Lina proceeds to bludgeon the ever-loving snot out of Gourry, explaining what a vortex is and what it does and why bringing the Lord Emperor of Nightmares through a vortex into their galaxy would be a really bad thing. She tosses him around the room and jumps up and down on him until there’s nothing left but a twisted up wad of flesh and blue cloth. Amelia and Zelgadis watch the whole thing with gigantic, saucer eyes.

Gourry: That’s gonna leave a mark…(groan)

Much later, on a catwalk over a seemingly bottomless pit, Lina is clinging desperately to a mast as the gale force winds whip her hair and cape all over the place. Zelgadis is levitating over the pit, holding his hand out to Lina and encouraging her to take it so they can escape. Xellos is on the catwalk, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, as if he knows a helluva lot more than they do (as usual). He, too, beckons to Lina.

Xellos: Join me, Lina! You don’t know your own power! Only you can channel the Lord Emperor of Nightmares and live, just as you did when you Gigaslaved Governer Shabrinigdo and the Death Star! You’ll be more powerful than you ever dreamed possible! Just take my hand, and start a new life as the host body for the Lord Emperor of Nightmares! People will worship you! I’ll worship you!

Zelgadis: Yes, but will you wear underwear for her?

Xellos giggles, winks and waggles a finger at Zelgadis.

Xellos: Now, is that any way to talk to your father?

Lina: What did you say?!

Xellos: I said, I’m Zelgadis’ father!

Zel: Get in line.

Xellos: And you’re his sister! And Princess Amelia isn’t really a Princess, she’s a retired Sailor Scout! And Zangulus is—

Zel: That’s it! That’s the answer!

Xellos: Exactly what I’m trying to tell you—

Zel: No, you idiot! That’s how I can get Amelia off my back! I’ll tell her you revealed to me that she’s really my sister! Yeah! That’s it! Her mother had an affair with you before she married Philionel! Amelia will be so grossed out by the idea of having those kinds of feelings for her brother, she’ll leave me alone forever! Yes! Xellos, you’re a genius!

Xellos: I know. So, Lina, will you channel the Emperor?

Lina: Uhhh…

Zel: Lina! Levitate out of there! Zangulus is brining the Mellinnium Fireball around to pick us up! Just step of the catwalk and float!

Lina: I—I can’t!

Pause.

Xellos & Zelgadis: Oh. It’s that time of the month.

Zel: I should keep a calendar.

Lina: Will you guys just lay off?! OK. Fine! Be that way! I’ll just jump off this catwalk and plunge to my death at the bottom of this pit! I hope you’re both happy now! Creeps!

Lina steps off the catwalk, but Zelgadis catches her and they raywing down the pit to where the ship awaits.

Zel: Drama Queen.

Lina: I said ‘lay off’!

They’re picked up by the Millennium Fireball, Zelgadis still ragging Lina for being so melodramatic, and Lina still screaming at him for it. Zangulus hauls them into the ship and wisely tries to stay out of the argument (he’s seen what she can do to a man she’s angry with). Lina stalks to the cockpit with Zangulus hot on her heels and Zelgadis following at a much more relaxed pace. That is, until Lina pops the question of the day:

Lina: Where’s Gourry? I thought he was with you!

Zangulus: With me? I thought he was with you guys!

Zel: Great. He’s probably still in Cloud City, killing Mozoku Troopers.

Lina: Or looking for us.

Zel: (sigh) I guess we should go back for him.

Zangulus: Hey, he’s a big boy! He can take care of himself. Let’s just get out of here—

Lina grabs him roughly by the scruff and drags him down to her eye level so she can snarl at him more effectively.

Lina: We’re not leaving Gourry behind, get it? Zelgadis, turn this ship around! We’re going back for Gourry.

She gives Zangulus one, last, evil glare before shoving him into the navigator’s chair. He lands in the lap of the sleeping Princess Amelia, who doesn’t so much as twitch. Lina waves her hand, and the seat belt latches itself around Zangulus and Amelia, over Zangulus’ protests.

Zangulus: Lina! Let me out of this thing! I think she’s dead!

Lina: She’s just under my sleep spell. It’s the best way to deal with Amelia, trust me. Zel?

Zel: Fine. We’ll go back, but Mr. Big and Dumb owes me for this.

Just then, the comlink beeps. Lina and Zel exchange cautious glances. Zel shrugs, and Lina answers the com.

Lina: This is the Millennium Fireball. Go ahead.

Vrumegun: I have something that belongs to you. Something of value.

Zel: A tampon?

Lina smacks him and winds up hurting herself more than him. She shakes the pain out of her hand and sucks on her fingers. Over her fingers, she replies:

Lina: You better not have hurt Gourry, you rock-headed creep! Sorry, Zel.

Zel: Whatever.

Vrumegun: He’s encased in carbonite, so, by strictest definition, I have not harmed him. He is in perfect hibernation.

Lina: Give him back!

Vrumegun: Come and get him. I will meet you on Sairaag-ooine, at the headquarters of Martina the Hut. I believe you owe her money.

Lina: Everybody owes her money!

Vrumegun: Bring what you owe the Hut, and we discuss an exchange.

The com clicks off. Lina slumps in her chair and tries to pretend she’s not crying, which she is. Zelgadis looks thoughtful.

Zel: So, do you have the money you owe the Hut?

Lina: (sniffle) No. I spent it on groceries.

Zel: Then we will have to either raise the necessary funds, or come up with a plan to trick the Hut into giving us Gourry.

Lina: Or kill the Hut!

Zel: Haven’t we had enough killing already? Let’s see if she’ll accept Amelia or Zangulus instead of cash. Zangulus looks pretty strong, and he’s an able swordsman. And Amelia is a princess. She could be traded for two, maybe three times what you owe the Hut.

Zangulus: You can’t be serious! Are you crazy?

Lina slaps a sleep spell on him, too, so she and Zelgadis can continue to scheme. What will the plan entail? Well, you’ll just have to read the next installment—Star Wars: Return of the Blind-eye!