STAR
WARS:
|
| The giant Mazoku
Star Destroyer lumbers over the camera shot, hot on the afterburners of
a fleeing rebel ship. Aboard the rebel ship, Princess Amelia of Seyruunderaan
is perched atop a tall crewman’s shoulders and is issuing what she
fears will be her last pep talk.
Amelia: Loyal soldiers of the Rebel Alliance and citizens of Seyruunderaan! You musn’t loose heart, just because there’s a giant Mozoku Star Destroyer about the latch onto our hull and spew a stream of icky Mozoku Troopers through that gaping maw to slaughter us all! Just remember, the Rebel Alliance is fighting for justice! And with a heart filled with a love for justice, the trip from here to eternity will take no time at all! Ooh…wait…that’s not very encouraging! I mean, with a heart filled with a love for justice, we can kick their icky, Mozoku butts! A cheer goes up from her loyal subjects, just as the afore-mentioned Mozoku Troopers blast their way into the Rebel ship and start sending those same loyal subjects to the afore-mentioned eternity. Seeing doom near at hand, Amelia dashes off to find a nice, quiet spot, where she can get really, really focused and send a message to ANYBODY (with a pure heart and love for justice) through the Force. She finds a gloomy little corner in the Humanoid Ladies’ room and focuses like crazy. Amelia: General Seified, years ago you helped my daddy fight in the Kopii Wars. Now we face our most desperate hour! The evil shadow of Lord Xellos Vader and his Lord Emperor of Nightmares threatens to fall over the hearts of all those who love purity and justice! I’ve hidden the plans for Xellos’ new, evil battle station in the emptiest mind I could find on such short notice! He’ll meet you on my home world of Seyruunderaan! Daddy will know what to do from there. Help me, Seified! You’re my only hope! EEK! Don’t touch me, you icky haters of all that is good, pure and—WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GRABBING, YOU PERVERT! Fire-BALL! Though the princess fireballs valiantly, she doesn’t have the gozers to actually kill anybody, so she gets captured and taken before Lord Xellos Vader, who’s really tweaked because he can’t find the battle station plans he just KNOWS were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. Xellos has snapped more necks in ten minutes looking for those plans than he has in more than a thousand years of being delightfully evil. He looks forward to interrogating Princess Amelia because he’s heard she’s just a little pussycat when you get right down to it. Xellos: Hmmm..let’s see…should I give her my full-throttle evil guy act, or should I play deceptively cute, witty, charming and harmless to put her off her guard, THEN give her the full, Xellos-the Demon experience? Decisions, decisions… Whilst Xellos is deciding which persona to lay on Amelia, he cracks a few more Rebel necks, then polishes up the jewel in his staff. He checks his look in the jewel’s shiny surface, tries out a few fiendish faces, then a few cute ones and finally settles on looking fiendishly cute. Xellos:
Xellos, you handsome devil, you. Fiendishly cute. I love it! Now,where’s
the Princess? The Trooper salutes, spins smartly on his heel and clacks off down the corridor. Xellos:
Hello, Princess. Amelia gives that one a good think and decides that, even though he is utterly evil, Xellos deserves a fair shake. Amelia:
I’m sorry. Go ahead, please. I’m listening. Xellos lays on the evil bad guy thing really thick, and Amelia cowers in abject terror. Amelia:
You—you know, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar! Amelia weeps. The Trooper tosses her over his shoulder and heads back to Xellos’ ship where he will lock Amelia up with a never-ending loop of Barney the purple dinosaur episodes (evil has many faces). Xellos: I love being evil. And cute. Giggle! Fiendishly cute! I love it! On the parched planet Sairogooine in the binary system of the same name, not far from where the Princess’ ship just got blown to smithereens, Gourry Gabriev is cleaning his family’s most prized heirloom: The Sword of Light. Not that swords made of light actually NEED cleaning, mind you. Beyond the hilt, that is. But Gourry’s really, well, thorough. Really. And dumb as a box of rocks. His is the emptiest head Amelia could find on short notice, and boy is he surprised to suddenly discover the complex plans for a giant, moon-sized battle station knocking around his skull. Then suddenly a tiny holographic effigy of Amelia appears at the very tippy-top of the Sword of Light and proceeds to make its plea for help. The last bit of her message leaves Gourry looking around for the pervert in question until the hologram of the Princess disappears, forcing him to go looking for her, too. It is while on this search for the pint-sized Princess-in-peril and the pervert who is persecuting her that he finds himself in a cantina in the most notorious den of people Amelia would never approve of: Most Greasy Spaceport. N’er a more disgusting den of scum and villainy is to be found in the galaxy (save, perhaps, in baby Valgarv’s nappies). Once Gourry realizes where he is, he decides he just as well have a drink, since searching for teeny-weeny Princesses and invisible perverts is thirsty work. He is approached by the ugliest walrus-looking guy he’s ever seen (not that he’s ever seen any attractive walrus-looking guys…) Walrus guy: Blaperfstgrorp bleck! Gourry, mistaking the man’s language for choking, tries to administer the heimlich maneuver, succeeding only getting the man to ralph his last eight drinks all over the bar and several patrons. Gourry somehow manages to escape being soiled (as heroes often do). He does not, however, escape the wrath of the puked-on patrons, who gang up on him in a snarling mob. Gourry tries to talk his way out of it, then to run, then just gives up and slashes them all to bits with the Sword of Light. He hears a girl’s voice behind him: Lina: That
wasn’t too shabby! EW! Are you wearing tights?! Lina shrieks her rage and punches him in the stomach. Lina: You jerk! Who do you think you are, anyway? Do you have any idea who I am? Huh? Well, answer me, you tights-wearing creepo! Gourry: *gasp* You’re pretty strong for—ha-ha—a little girl! Lina beats the ever-lovin’ snot out of him, then fireballs a few nosey patrons, just for the heck of it and because she’s in a bad mood (oh, that would never happen). Lina: I’m
Lina Inverse! Sorceress supreme and captain of the Millennium Fireball,
the fastest ship in the whole galaxy, you moron! And my "titties"
aren’t "itty-bitty", either! They’re a helluvalot
bigger than your— Lina and Gourry cough up the coinage, then Lina sulks off to her usual corner booth, where her co-pilot Zelgadis Greywers is sucking on a mug of coffee with a disgusted look on his face for Lina and the big blonde following her. Zelgadis:
Who’s your friend? Zelgadis rolls his eyes and loses himself in his coffee. By the end of negotiations, Blondie will be lucky to still have the shirt on his back. Once again, Zel weighs Lina against Rezo and decides, reluctantly, that Lina is a better employer, though not by much. At least Rezo didn’t wear tights. Meanwhile, on the Deathstar, Xellos and Governor Shabranigdo are having a little Union trouble. The President of Evil Minions Local 13 is roundly condemning Lord Xellos Vader’s mixing of religion and engineering when designing the station: President: …and if Lord Xellos hadn’t created the Deathstar plans using this so-called Force-thing, instead of more traditional methods, the Rebels would never have been able to steal the plans so easily! Fer cryin’ out loud! All anybody has to do is THINK about wanting the plans, and badda-bing, badda-boom! They got ‘em! Chuckles all around at that idea. Union guy#1:
So why doesn’t Lord Xellos THINK about wanting the plans to get them
back instead of chasing Princess Amelia around? Chuckle! More laughter. President: *snicker* He’s not man enough for a Princess! But let’s get back to the business at hand, shall we? This use of religion in battle station design is a clear violation of—GACK! The Union Boss pries impotently at Xellos’ fingers, which are wrapped rather tightly about his throat. Xellos:
I find your inability to read the fine print disturbing, Mr. President. Xellos points at the conference table and the Union contract magically appears in its surface. Xellos directs the Union Boss’ attention to the appropriate verbiage by mashing his face into it. Xellos:
That fine print. Xellos snickers wickedly and lets the Union guy go. President: Thank you, m’lord. Hmmm… He massages his neck as he studies the fine print and discovers that it appears the Union no longer has grounds for a grievance. But there are always loopholes. President: Well, m’lords, everything appears to be in order, but I’d like to have our lawyers look it over, just to be—GACK! He chokes, turns blue, croaks. The other Union people get really, really pale as his dead body flops onto the table. Xellos:
Oops! He said the "L" word! Tut-tut! One foolish minion finds the nerve to ask a very stupid question. Minion: Uh, m’lords? Um…just out of curiosity…you know, just as an aside, not really crucial— Xellos & Shab:
GET ON WITH IT! Choke. Blue. Croak. Thunk. Xellos taps his wrist and clicks his tongue. Xellos: Whoa! Will you look at the time! The Governor and I have this room reserved for a private meeting, so you gentlemen will have to hold any other questions till another time. Sorry. And, if you would, please, take those with you. Thanks. He points at the dead bodies, which the living dutifully pick up and hustle out the door with them. Shab: So, HAVE you recovered the plans, my loyal, groveling, boot-licking, butt-kissing minion? Xellos decides this might be a really good time to lay some of that butt-kissing mojo on his boss and proceeds to slather it on nice and thick. Xellos:
…and we have the Princess in custody on this battle station, my Lord.
She’s just been a peach about gushing lot’s of terror, dread
and despair for the torturers. For a little thing, she can really work
up a good fright-fest— In docking bay 94 in Most Greasy Spaceport, wherein is docked the Millennium Fireball, a group of ruffians is circling the ship, brandishing a variety of weapons, none of which can do any real damage to a space ship’s hull but can wreak all kinds of nasty havoc on a person. A person like: Martina:
Lina Inverse! I know you’re in there! You owe me money, and I want
it—or your hide—or both, right now! Dammit! Come out of that
ship, you skinny, flat-chested little coward! Martina the Hut, scantily-clad gangster/loan shark extrordinaire, spins about to find (much to her embarrassment) that Lina has been standing behind her the whole time. Martina:
Do you have that money you owe me, Inverse? Lina bites her lip and just watches the Hut and her lackeys go. Once Martina is out of earshot, Lina mutters: Lina: Eat Bantha poo-doo, you little hussy! Way later, aboard the Millennium Fireball, after having blasted their way out of Most Greasy Spaceport only to find themselves being chased by two (count ‘em) Imperial Mazoku Star Destroyers, Lina and Zel are discovering just how dense Gourry really is. Gourry:
Ah! They’re shooting at us! Can’t you outrun them, Zagildos?
I thought Lina said this ship was fast! Zel spins his chair around and takes a swing at Gourry, who just ducks out of the way with a really puzzled look on his face. Gourry:
What?! Lina and Zelgadis look at each other, then at Gourry, who has assumed the lotus position in his chair behind them, then back at each other. Lina: Weird. Even later still, on approach to the Deathstar… Gourry:
Hey, Zagster, why are we going to that moon? I thought I told you guys
I needed to go to Sayruunderaan! Lina grabs Gourry by the front of his stretchy shirt and flings him into the back part of the ship, where there’s more room to pummel him, and she pummels him but good. Lina: Let’s go over this again: Seyruunderaan doesn’t exist anymore. It got blown up by something, but we don’t know by what, so don’t ask! We’re not "going to that moon", we’re being sucked in by a tractor beam that’s stronger than the Fireball’s engines! We. Have. No. Choice. No, I don’t know how tractor beams work. No, they won’t turn it off and let us leave if we ask them nicely. They are bad guys, you doof! Evil! Politeness doesn’t work with them! Get it now?! Gourry is little more than a splotch with a sword hilt sticking out of it but he still manages to make an affirmative noise. Lina: Whoops! She zaps him with a healing spell. Gourry:
You’re not a very nice little girl, Lina. Pummel. In the Deathstar docking bay, the Millennium Fireball has just touched down and is being surrounded by Mozoku Troopers. A friendly female voice is making an announcement over the PA system as Lord Xellos Vader sweeps in and approaches the ship’s lowering hatchway. Voice: Thank
you for using the Deathstar tractor beam. Please remain seated until the
Mazoku Troopers have secured your handcuffs. Make sure all items of value
are placed in the bag, which a Trooper will provide for you, and return
all seats and trays to their original, upright position. Have a nice day
and thank you for visiting the Deathstar. A squad of Troopers thumps down the ship’s ramp and comes to a halt in front of Xellos. An officer breaks away from the pack, clicks his heels and salutes. Officer: M’lord! Sir, there’s no one aboard. The ship’s log says the crew abandoned ship shortly after take off. Some of the escape pods are missing. Xellos just grins mischievously and giggles. He knows there are still people on the ship, but it’ll be a lot more fun to see if they can figure out how to turn off the tractor beam and rescue the Princess, all without realizing he will have placed a tracking device on their ship, so they’ll lead him right to their hidden Rebel base. Then he can use the Deathstar’s massive power to blast them all to bits, ending the war in one, fell—waitaminit. Ending the war would be contrary to the Mozoku’s plans for the universe! At the moment, Xellos isn’t entirely sure what to do about it, so he orders a more thorough search of the ship, then leaves to go concoct a suitably dastardly plan that won’t involve ending the war with the Rebels. And to find someone who can tell him if he looks fat in tights. Well, Our Heroes do, indeed manage to escape detection long enough to get into the Command Center, where they fireball the officers working there and stuff their bodies in the closet. Lina is casting nervous glances out the window at her ship, which is still surrounded by guards. Gourry is meditating (soundlessly, on pain of fireball) atop a desk in the middle of the room. Zelgadis is hacking into the Imperial network in an effort to find where the tractor beam lives and how one might get there from where he was. He gets past every level of security without much trouble, then he flubs a key stroke and up pops information on prisoners being held in the detention blocks. Lina looks over his shoulder curiously. Lina: Whatcha
got there, Zel? That gets a raised eyebrow from Zelgadis but Lina’s frown and Gourry’s red face tell him all he needs to know about that little inside joke. A wonder Blondie’s still alive. Zelgadis scans the prisoner list and, lo, there is, indeed a princess. Zel: Guess
it’s your lucky day, Gravy. Gourry jumps off the table, rushes over to the computer and shoves Zelgadis aside. Zel shoves back, reestablishing his position as Alpha Hacker. Gourry: We have to rescue her, you guys! She’s the one from my sword! She put some plans in my head! Lina: I
guess that’s about the only way a plan could get into your head. Gourry freaks out. He slaps his "borrowed" Trooper helmet on his head, barely remembering to tuck his hair up under it, runs from the Command Center, over Lina and Zel’s protests, and is all the way to the lifts before they catch up to him. Fortunately, Lina also remembers to put her helmet on as she runs. Zel-the-brain decides to pretend he’s their prisoner, since he’s the only one without a Trooper suit. The fact that the Empire doesn’t hire females as Mozoku Troopers is one of those important little details none of them were aware of but would very shortly come home to roost. Not with Our Heroes, oh no, with the poor, unsuspecting (CHAUVINIST) Mozoku prison guards at the other end of the lift ride who must deal with Lina Inverse. And Gourry for one knows how precious Lina’s womanhood is to her. Another interesting detail is the fact that, although Zelgadis noted the number of the Princess’ cell block, he didn’t have the time to get directions to the detention area before Gourry flipped his lid. For once, Gourry knows exactly where he’s going and exactly what he’s doing, much to Lina’s and Zelgadis’ surprise. There’s nothing quite as scary as an airhead on a mission. Except, perhaps, Lina Inverse faced with a bunch of male, chauvinist creeps who are holding another woman prisoner with plans to kill her. So, basically, between Gourry and Lina, the Mozoku in the detention area are so doomed. Officer: Where are you taking this…thing? OK, now we can count Zelgadis in on the impending slaughter. He’s insecure enough about his body without some low-life Mozoku referring to him as a "thing". A quick curse on Rezo’s name, and Zelgadis starts throwing the flare arrows. That’s Lina’s cue to roast every Mazoku in the room with a few well-placed fireballs. Gourry dives through the smoke, down the corridor, finds the Princess’ cell, hits the door switch, eagerly anticipating a glamorous Royal (with HOOTERS). He holds his breath, the door shoots up and— Gourry:
Aw, man! I am just not scoring today! He takes off his helmet, and the rest of his hair comes flopping out, but Gourry doesn’t stop there, no siree. He works his way down his body, peeling off Trooper armor and tossing it back into the corridor behind him, revealing his usual blue outfit, minus the weird wing things on the shoulders and hips and that bra thing. Breastplate. Whatever. Amelia frowns. Amelia: Darn! I’m not scoring today, either! No fair having more clothes under your armor! Gourry blushes. Amelia:
So, have you come to execute me, or what? Gourry holds up his hands about four inches apart to illustrate the Lilliputian Princess’ true size. Amelia’s short, but she’s not that short. She just sort of blinks at him for a second. Amelia: Wow, you really are an airhead! I sent you a holographic message through the Force. That wasn’t really me. I’m really me. Princess Amelia Wil Tesla de Seyruunderaan! She jumps up on the sleeping ledge, all fired up to make a big speech, but Gourry beats her to it. Gourry: What’s a hologra—holo—what did you call it? Amelia does a face fault. Amelia: You’re joking, right? Lina and Zelgadis appear behind Gourry. Lina: No,
Your Highness, he really is that dumb. Laser fire shoots past Lina and Zelgadis. Zel: Correction:
Reinforcements are here. Goury grabs Amelia by the hand and together they charge through Lina and Zelgadis, down the corridor, right into the source of the laser fire. Lina and Zel just watch them go, shaking their heads. A laser nicks off one of Zel’s chunks of stone hair, sending his mood right off the rage-o-meter. With a furious roar, Zel hauls back, ready to launch a fireball Mozoko-ward, but Lina quickly stops him. Lina: No!
You’ll hit Gourry and the Princess! Gourry and Amelia wipe out, try to get back on their feet, fall down again and settle for crawling back to Lina and Zelgadis. Gourry:
They’re trying to kill us! Amelia points at a grate in wall that’s big enough for them to get through once Gourry kicks it in. He dives in, followed by Amelia, then Lina. Zelgadis hesitates, having a really bad feeling about this, but given a choice between lasers and smelly holes in the wall, he chooses the stench. Zelgadis levitates himself gently down into the chamber, to a point about two inches above the water and just hovers there. (Hey, he’s wearing white, ok? He doesn’t want to get it icky!) Zel: Oh,
the trash compactor was a wonderful idea, Princess. SPLASH! Gourry gets pulled under water by the whatsit living in the trash compactor. The others frantically push flotsam aside in a vain effort to find where the creature took him. Suddenly, Gourry pops up out of the water. There’s a pair of hands wrapped around his wrist. At the other end is…a giant fish?! Gourry:
Kill it! Kill it! Amelia rejects the uncharitable adjectives she was thinking of using. After all, the fish-man’s only crime is living in a trash compactor and liking blondes. She quickly comes up with something more politically correct. Amelia: Adorable! Isn’t he, you guys? Gourry? Isn’t he just the coolest thing you’ve ever seen? Gourry, as usual, misses the hint entirely, along with his chance for freedom. Gourry:
Yuck! No! He’s a slimy, grody, scaly mutant! Noonza starts to pull Gourry under the water again, but just then a loud, metallic clunk echoes through the chamber, freezing the fish-man in mid-tug. Noonza: Uh…I forgive you. Gotta go! Bye! With that, Noonza lets go of Gourry and ducks back underwater and swims away. Amelia:
How rude! With a terrifying rumble, the walls start closing in on them from either side. Lina screams for them to try to brace the walls, but none of the sorcerers knows a spell that’ll do that. Then mush-for-brains gets an idea. Gourry:
Hey, guys, try this big, metal rod-thing! Gourry tries it and, just as Zelgadis predicted, the rod snaps like a toothpick. Lina: Well,
it’s been nice knowing you guys. Lina and "Zarubabul" exchange looks of extreme duh. Lina smacks her forehead. Zelgadis just shakes his head. Amelia decides this is a great time for a speech. She climbs onto Gourry’s shoulders, balances precariously on her feet and starts schpeeling. Amelia:
This is a fine example of the injustice of the evil Mozoku Empire! Only
a hater of justice would imprison a poor, helpless fish-man in a trash
compactor that squooshes innocent people like us! And in all this muck
that’s leaving an awful stain on Gourry’s tights! Foil
their dastardly plan, Miss Lina! Blow up that door which blocks our path
to freedom, Zarubable! The fireball smacks impotently against the door, which remains stubbornly sealed. Lina: Well,
I gave it my best shot. Zel? Lina ducks under water, and Amelia dives off Gourry’s shoulders only to land face down on a floating board. She slides off just as Lina yanks Gourry under the muck. Zelgadis does the Ra Tilt (similar to the Hokey Pokey, but more deadly). They wait. And wait. Then: Door: Thank you for visiting the trash compactor. Please be sure to brush all debris off of your clothing before exiting the chamber. Have a nice day, and thank you for choosing the Deathstar for your harrowing adventure. The door slides open onto an empty corridor, and Lina wastes no time jumping through it, dragging Amelia and Gourry by their feet behind her. Zelgadis floats after them at leisurely pace. Door: Please
brush all debris off of your clothing! This is your final warning. Our Heroes obediently rid themselves of goo, shaking it back into the trash compactor (except for Zel, who rather cleverly remained out of the garbage). Apparently satisfied, the door slides shut. Gourry:
But I still can’t get this stain off my tights! I look stupid! Zelgadis fumes in angry silence as he brushes roughly past Lina and Amelia and heads off down the corridor. Lina: Jellyfish
brain. Lina turns around to find Gourry has already ripped off his boots and shed his tights and is just sitting there on the floor in all his half-naked Gourry-ness, big ol’ long, hairy legs and big, smelly feet just a-hangin’ on out. He gets up and tucks his boots and tights under his arm. Ready for action! His shirt covers…almost everything. Lina: (blushing
furiously) I was just kidding, you pervert! Zelgadis is back, having realized no one was following him. His eyes bug at Gourry’s state of undress, then he just spins around and heads back the way he came. No comment. Lina, still blushing madly, hurries after him, followed by Amelia and a rather confused Gourry. Gourry: Geez, Lina, I’d think a tough starship captain like would’ve seen a guy before! Man! She IS a little girl, eh, Zippity-do-dah?! The Blue One has finally had enough and for once beats Lina to, well, a beating. He grabs Gourry’s boots and tights and stuffs them one after the other down Gourry’s throat. Zel: MY.
NAME. IS. ZELGADIS! Lina pounds Gourry, then heads off after Zelgadis in a serious huff, leaving Amelia looking from them to Gourry with big, scared saucer eyes. Over cloth and leather, Gourry mumbles feebly: Gourry: They really need to relax. Later (having recovered from his, er, "snack"), Gourry and Amelia are trapped on a ledge over an immense, seemingly bottomless pit, with Troopers blasting their way through the door behind them and shooting at them from the other side of the pit, as well. They’d extend the bridge, but Brainiac melted the controls with the Sword of Light. Oddly, none of the laser fire comes anywhere near hitting Gourry and Amelia, who still make a show of trying to shelter against the walls. This is an example of one of the basic laws of action/adventure dramas. To fill us in, here’s our resident know-it-all, Lina Inverse. Lina? Lina: Thank you. It’s really pretty simple: Bad guys never score when shooting at good guys, however, good guys always score when shooting at bad guys. This principle goes all the way back to Ancient Greek and Roman theatre, in which the bad guys never got an arrow or spear into one of the good guys. So, Ares always lost and Athena always won, since Ares was the incarnation of everything BAD about war and Athena was the incarnation of honorable Victory. However, this principle became more obvious with the invention of motion pictures and the advancement of stunt and special effects techniques. Let’s consider that silent movie heartthrob Rudolph Valentino: Nary a bullet struck the Sheik, but Rudy never missed! Even with a sword! And John Wayne, The Duke, the ultimate cowboy movie good guy! Always in a white hat! Never misses a shot! Never gets killed by a bad guy! Lina suddenly realizes Gourry, Amelia and the Troopers are all sound asleep. Lina: DON’T
FALL ALSEEP WHEN I’M BEING INTELLECTUAL! In another part of the Deathstar, Zelgadis is wondering where the bloody hell Lina has got to and why she chose this particular moment to disappear. One minute, she’s standing next to him, facing the flock of heavily-armed Mozoku Troopers preparing to shoot at them, the next, she’s gone. Great. Zel and the Troopers face off for a few seconds before the Troopers realize Zelgadis is one of those people they’re supposed to be trying to kill. There they are, two dozen of the Empire’s Finest, armed with the latest in lethal weaponry and laser-resistant armor, faced with just this one, blue, ill-tempered guy. And with the basic law of action/adventure dramas working against them. Why even bother to shoot? Even if the white they’re wearing is whiter than the white Zelgadis is wearing. They open fire, zapping away at Zel until he’s enveloped in a cloud of smoke. When the smoke clears, he’s still standing there, unharmed, looking a tad bemused. Zel: I assume all of this has a point. The Troopers exchange sheepish looks, then one of them appoints himself the spokesman for the group and steps forward. From the back of his tool belt he produces a worn sheaf of papers and holds them so he and Zel can read them at the same time. Trooper:
We’re just following the script. See? Right here. It says we’re
supposed to shoot at you. I think "at" is the operative term,
here. The script doesn’t say we’re supposed to actually hit
you, right? Just shoot "at" you. So, we’re just following
the script. You? He heads off, away from the Troopers, and waves amiably. Zel: Carry on. They fill the corridor with laser fire once again, careful, per the script, not to actually hit Zelgadis, who eventually disappears around a corner. Zel: Huh. Friendly natives. Who knew? Xellos giggles wickedly as the Millennium Fireball easily destroys four sentry ships and disappears into hyperspace, oblivious to the tracking device he planted. Soon, the Mozoku would know the location of the hidden Rebel base and could just cruise on in with their terrifying Deathstar and blast the beejeebies out of those goodie two shoes! Shab: Tracking
device, huh? As Xellos listens to this little speech, his jaw slowly drops and look of utter dread and disbelief takes over his face. Shab: What? Back at the formerly hidden Rebel base, Lina and Zelgadis are astonished to discover Gourry really has been lugging the plans for the Deathstar between his ears, and, even more surprising, hasn’t lost any of the data. That calls for a couple of good, stiff mugs of coffee, and Lina and Zel throw those down fast enough to roast their throats. They try to talk the Rebel leaders out of letting Gourry fly an X-Wing fighter against the Deathstar, seeing as he’s never flown anything in his life, but since Gourry’s so cute and amiable and Lina and Zel are, well, a bit on the disgruntled side, nobody pays any attention to their advice. So, with a happy bounce in his step, Gourry prances up the ladder to the cockpit of his very own, extremely complex, difficult-to-operate-without-years-of-training, flying implement of destruction. Which he’s never seen before that very moment. Fortunately, the fighter requires a ‘droid to ride shotgun in order to make it go, so there’s some hope of Gourry coming out of the battle in one piece. Just before he hops into the cockpit, Zelgadis stops him with a shouted question: Zelgadis: What’s my name, Gourry? Gourry pauses, looks worried, then laughs self-consciously. Gourry:
Uh…is it ok if I just call you "Z" for short? Gourry hems and haws, chews on his lower lip thoughtfully, scratches his head and starts to sweat. Then suddenly his face brightens. Gourry: Is it…RUMPLESTILTSKIN?! SPROING! Lina and Zelgadis are so completely stunned by this response that neither of them can come up with anything witty and scathing to say. They just blink at him in absolute bewilderment for a few seconds, then shrug at each other. Meanwhile, Gourry has leapt into the fighter’s cockpit, smacked his helmet on his head and is guiding the X-Wing out of the hangar. As he passes Lina and Zelgadis, he waves happily. Too freaked out to do anything else, they wave back. Amelia:
Miss Lina! Zelgadis! Wait! Amelia giggles at that, then impulsively throws her arms around Zelgadis in a great, big (for a little thing) bear hug and plants a sloppy, wet smoochie on his startled (grossed out?) face. Though Lina braces herself, Amelia doesn’t have similar plans for her (whew). Amelia: Oh, Zelgadis! I’ve been meaning to tell you this all along, but we were so busy escaping, I never got to, so I’ll tell you now, since I don’t know if or when I’ll ever see you again! Zelgadis’ stomach goes cold and he starts to sweat. Girls give him the willies. Amelia: I think you’re just the cutest, little stone guy in the whole universe! You’re so strong and brave and smart and har--*ahem*--did I mention "strong"? Really strong! And your magic is sooo powerful! I think—I—I think I love you! Amelia dives in for another hug, but Zelgadis and Lina tear out of there in a cloud of dust. They even leave skid marks. Amelia: Oh, poo-doo! I’ll bet he’s just shy! She watches the Millennium Fireball leave, thinking dreamily to herself: Amelia: Sigh! He has the sexiest voice! Really bad hair, though. Well, maybe he was in bed, lying on his back, when he got ensorcelled and that’s why his hair flips out like that. Hmm…in bed…on his back…sigh! I wonder if he’s a boxers man or a briefs man? She heads for the Command Center, still pondering that deeply meaningful question, forgetting, for the moment, that she and the base could become so much space dust in the next hour. Puberty sucks, don’t it? As the Deathstar rounds the planet, lining up the shot at the moon wherein lies the Rebel base, the Rebel forces make a good show of shooting at it and destroying the TIE fighters it sends against them. Even though the basic law of action/adventure dramas prevents the Imperial forces from doing any real damage to the Rebel offensive, the Rebels (being good guys) generously allow some of their fighters to get blown up so the Mozoku won’t feel so bad about losing. Finally, it’s time to get serious about blowing up the Deathstar, so the Rebels send in The New Guy, the one person out there with absolutely no clue whatsoever how to fly an X-Wing, much less operate its weapons systems with the sort of accuracy needed to send an itty-bitty bomb down an itty-bitty hole to blow up the Deathstar’s reactor core. Hell, he can’t even work the stupid targeting computer right, gets fed up with trying, and switches it off. This really freaks out the folks back at the base, but Gourry reassures them that he knows what he’s doing. When Princess Amelia suggests that he might be using the Force to hit the target, Gourry just goes along with it; sounds like a good excuse to him. Now, if he can just figure out what this Force thing is. Gourry lines up the shot, presses what he hopes is the right button—it is!--and launches the bomb. It impacts on the side of the hole. Lucky for Gourry, he has some unexpected back-up. Lina: You
moron! Can’t you hit ANYTHING?! THIS is how you blow up a monster
battle station! Giga-SLAVE! Zel dives under the dashboard just as the black light of the gigaslave shoots out from the Millennium Fireball’s cockpit and into the Deathstar, starting the chain reaction that blows it to bits. The Rebel forces just barely have time to run for it before the Deathstar goes nova. Gourry: Ooooh! Pretty lights! Over their intercoms comes a soothing, female voice: Voice: Thank you for attacking the Deathstar. We hope you enjoyed the battle and had many casualties. Have a nice day and thank you for destroying the Deathstar! Then the voice of Shabranigdo: Shab: Xellos, you twisted fruitcake! I still have six more pieces left and they all want to kick your fruity a— Xellos’ TIE fighter spins off into space, out of control. He giggles at Shabranigdo’s last words. As if. He works for the Lord Emperor of Nightmares, who isn’t all that fond of Shabranigdo, anyway. Neener-neener! Furthermore, Xellos is feeling more confident in his tights than he ever has now that he has transcended the need for undergarments! He feels so good, he bursts into song! Xellos: …you make me feel! You make me feel! You make me feel like a natural demon! Demon! He sings his way into hyperspace, not caring that now even the Rebels are sure he’s a total fruitcake. At least that Gourry guy doesn’t play on the Mozoku team! Now, he DOES look fat in tights (thinks Xellos triumphantly)! In the Royal reception hall, a very embarrassed Lina, very disgusted Zelgadis and way-too-happy Gourry stand before Princess Amelia to receive their medals for saving the Rebel base from the (icky, justice-hating, tights-wearing) Mozoku. Not that Gourry really had much to do with it, but he’s really gung-ho on this whole medal concept and bows really, really low so Amelia can get his over his neck. Then he just sort of plays with his new toy while Lina gets her medal and Amelia tries to give Zelgadis another smoochie while hanging a medal around his neck. Gourry even misses the fun as Amelia chases Zelgadis around the room, pleading with him to: Amelia:
Let go of your insecurity about your stone body, my big, strong, blue
cutie! It’s ok to by shy, but isn’t this going a little too
far? And so, Our Heroes bask in their great victory against the evil Mozoku Empire, certain that the galaxy is now Mozoku-free and safe for justice-loving citizens of all races! Xellos: First I get a new Deathstar! Then I find that Lina Inverse chick! They would be wrong. |